Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2010 18:36:51 -0400
From: Jeffrey Fletcher <jeffyrks@gmail.com>
Subject: Peter Broad's Story chapter 8

This is a story that involves a little sex between males.  If such a story
is offensive, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not
continue, go and surf elsewhere.

This is a work of fiction and in no way draws on the lives of any specific
person or persons.  If there is any similarity to any real persons or
events it is entirely coincidental.

The work is copyrighted (c) by the author and may not be reproduced in any
form without the specific written permission of the author.  It is assigned
to the Nifty Archives under the terms of their submission agreement but it
may not be copied or archived on any other site without the written
permission of the author.

My thanks to Brian who has read this through and made a number of
corrections and suggestions.  Any remaining errors, grammatical, spelling
historical or whatever are entirely my fault.

Thank you to those who have commented on my stories.  If you want to
comment on the story then do contact me on Jeffyrks@hotmail.com. but
please, after 8th May 2010 I am away until then. I aim to reply to all
messages eventually.

If you wish to be added to or removed from a chapter post notification
list, please send an email with your request to jeffyrks@gmail.com


Peter Broad's Story



43.

Interview with Charles Turner.


The new factor in the start of his second year at University was living out
at Chilwell, and sharing a small house with two others.  The house
consisted of two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, and a front sitting room
and living room with kitchen downstairs.  They had got to know each other
quite well during their time in hall together during their first year.
Brian was reading chemistry and Robert was reading theology.  Brian had the
front room downstairs, Robert the back room upstairs and Peter the front
room upstairs.


It was on the third evening after arriving back in Nottingham that Peter
had his appointment to see Charles Turner.  He made his way into town
hoping that he did not run into Anton.  Straightahead's premises were
situated in a terrace of small shops.  Peter walked along slowly.  Between
many shops there was a door giving access to the stories above.  117 had a
green door, with the number in large numerals, and in much smaller letters,
Straightahead.  As there was no knocker or bell he tried the door.  It
opened.  Inside he was confronted by another door, this time with push
button and intercom.  He pressed the button, and when asked he gave his
name.  The door buzzed, and he pushed it open.  This time he was confronted
by a flight of stairs, as he made his way up a man appeared at the top.

"Welcome, Peter.  I'm Charles Turner."

They shook hands and Peter was shown into an office with a desk and a
couple of easy chairs.  Charles Turner was a man in his mid fifties.  He
was slightly overweight, and had thick grey hair.  He was smartly dressed
in a suit.

Over a cup of coffee they talked.  Or rather Charles talked, at least to
begin with; Peter just nodded at appropriate intervals.

"I am so glad of this opportunity to meet you.  Before you tell me
something about yourself, let me tell you about Straightahead, and myself.
Straightahead is a Christian organisation funded largely by individual and
church donations.  "It is a national organisation with its work based in
several centres in the UK.  These premises are rented for us by a group of
like minded churches in Nottingham, a couple Anglican, the others free or
charismatic churches.  I am the local organiser. I am a retired business
man.  I had my own business up until two years ago, for which I had an
irresistible offer.  I work here part time, and I get a little towards my
expenses. The others, who do the counselling and group work, are all
volunteers.  "You will be pleased to know that we do not do any aversion
therapy.  I say that very quickly because it is often a fear that new men
like yourself often seem to have. We don't do it, for the simple reason it
does not work.

"Our work is prayer based.  The supporting churches give us much prayer
support. Some of the Lord's greatest prayer warriors are the elderly, who
have discovered in a deep way the power of intercessory prayer.

"There are two parts to our work.  There is the group work.  Each week you
will meet with others like yourself.  You will be encouraged to talk and
share together.  There can be a lot of mutual help given.  This usually
lasts something just under an hour.  It involves sharing, helping and
praying with others like yourself.  I expect you will find it very helpful.

"You will be allotted a companion. We use that word rather than the formal
word counselor.  He will be someone who has been trained to help: but more
important, he will have had, to a greater or lesser extent, experiences
similar to your own.  He will be someone, probably slightly older than you,
specially selected by me, because I think he is the one you can relate to.
You will have time each week with him.  You will be able to talk with him,
and ask for help.  He will also be helping you to relate with men in a
non-sexual way.

"The aim of Straightahead is to cure you of your homosexual attractions,
and enable you to relate to both men and women in a normal and natural way.

"Do you have any questions?

Peter was slightly bemused by all that had been said, and just shook his
head.

"Now I want you to tell me your story.  I want to hear it, so that I can
fix you up with a compatible companion.  If for any reason at any stage you
feel that you are not compatible, or there are any serious problems with
your companion you are to tell me, and I will find you someone else.  It
does happen from time to time that I get it wrong.  Now tell me your
story."

Peter told his story.

"Now I would like to ask you some questions about your back ground.  There
are several theories around why certain men are homosexual.  It may be that
we can get a clue as to why you are.  If we do that may help us to focus on
a way by which you can be healed, or set free from the trap you now find
yourself in.  First, I want to ask you about your parents.  Your father,
what does he do?"

"He is a solicitor."

"How did you get on with him as a small child?"  So the questions went on.
"What are your memories of your father?  How do you get on with him now?
Would you describe your father as dominating?  Strict? Easy going?  Loving?
Is he generous?  How were you punished by him as a child?"  Then there was
a similar range of questions about his mother, and the relationship between
his parents.  "How do they get on?  Do they ever disagree?  Publicly?  In
front of the children?  Do they sleep in the same bed?"

Peter began to think the questions intrusive.  He continued to answer
because he knew that his parents wanted him to go through with this.  One
question he found difficult to answer was whether he was closer to his
mother or his father.

Then the questioning moved to his brother and sister.  Was there any
physical or sexual abuse in the family?

It seemed to Peter that his answers showed nothing particularly
significant.  They were the answers that would be given by anyone brought
up in a loving and supportive middle class home at the end of the twentieth
century.

When Peter came to leave, he looked at his watch and found that he had
spent nearly two hours with Charles Turner.  He felt, so far, so good.

-0---0---0-

44.

The First Straightahead Meeting

It was with a mixture of anticipation and reluctance that Peter made his
way to the Straightahead rooms in Radford Street.  Charles Turner was there
to meet him.  He was shown into Charles' office.  There was another man
seated in the room.  He got up when Peter and Charles entered.

"Let me introduce you to Chris Sunley.  He will be your companion at
Straightahead."

They shook hands.  Chris was a young man in his early thirties.  He had a
lot of light brown hair.  He looked fairly bronzed and very fit.

"Chris is just back from holiday.  I have told him the barest outline of
your story.  I suggest you both go off to Chris' room and get acquainted."

Chris led the way, up a second flight of stairs, and into a small room on
the next floor.  The room was neatly furnished.  There were three
comfortable chairs, a small table, and tea and coffee making facilities set
out on a tray on a shelf in a corner.  There were some pleasant landscape
photographs on the wall.

Chris started to prepare a cup of coffee for them both.  While the kettle
came to the boil he started talking.  "Let me tell you something about
myself.  I am 33, and I work in a bank in the centre of town.  I am a
member of a Baptist church about six miles out of Nottingham.  I live in
Stapleford, where I have got a small flat of my own.  I first came in
contact with Straightahead some five years ago.  The minister at my local
church recommended me to Straightahead, as I had confessed to him about my
homosexual activities as the result of attending an Alpha course.
Straightahead helped me to break with my past."

"How long did that take?"

"About three years.  Then I received some training to become a companion.
I have been a companion for about a year.  You will be the third person I
have been a companion to."

"Were you very active, Chris?"

"Yes, very.  I was active on the scene.  Several relationships lasting
various lengths of time.  Frequently cruising.  Once a week was a little
for me."

"When did your church connection start?"

"I have always been involved with church.  My parents took me from my
earliest days.  I went through Sunday school, youth group, and into adult
membership.  It was only when the Lord convicted me of the double life I
was leading that I realised that I was in need of help.  It was then I went
and told my minister what I was up to.  He was surprised; but once he got
over his shock, was helpful."

"My story is somewhat different when it comes to activity, though similar
in church background."  Peter went on to tell his story.  Chris listened
carefully.  He asked just one or two questions to get things clear.

"How has it gone with you since your parents discovered the letter?"

"It has been up and down.  Guilt, shame and anger initially.  While I was
working in Hitchin things were not too bad.  This last week has been hell.
I was hoping to do a lot of reading.  But I cannot concentrate.  I find my
mind wanders.  I start thinking about Anton and my time with him.  On my
last night at home I had another startling sexy dream.  I hadn't had one
for several months.  But now I am trying to go straight I have a strong
one."

"We must not expect to get out of homosexual bondage easily. The powers of
darkness want to keep hold of us.  It is with much prayer and perseverance
that we escape.  My own struggle had a great many downs as well as ups.
Several times I felt like giving it up, and to stop trying to reform."

"Did you make a clean break with all your sexual activity?"

"No.  For most people it does not work like that.  Though it may for you,
with your story.  Straightahead encourages us to set a target for each
week.  An attainable target.  My first target was to only go out cruising
once a week."

"Did you achieve it?"

"Not first of all.  But when I had succeeded in keeping to that target for
a few weeks, I was encouraged to set another target.  Once a fortnight.
Then it became once a month.  Then beating my previous best length of time
without any sex.  The targets are often discussed with your companion, and
then with the group.  The group is a great help, because there are others
also struggling with their targets.  There is sympathy and understanding
when you fail, and encouragement and praise when you succeed.  Some very
good friendships are formed in the groups.  I still see a couple from my
early days.  One of them is now married with a kid."

"In half an hour we will go down, and I will introduce you to the group.  I
don't think we need to try and set you any targets for this coming week, as
it is your first time.  I think you need to see how it all works at first.
You will probably say very little this first week, and that is okay.  You
don't have to say anything.  That is up to you.  I shall be with the group
this week.  There is always one companion present.  But it will not be me
every week.  Before we go down you will need this."  Chris handed Peter a
tag with his name on it.

When they went down stairs Chris showed Peter into a large room at the
front of the premises.  There was quite a bit of noise from the street
outside. In the room were seven men.  The oldest was in his forties, most
were in their late teens or twenties.  There was quite a lot of talking and
laughter.  They obviously all knew each other, and were relaxed together.
They were all wearing name tags, which made life easier.  As soon as Peter
entered the room one of the men came across and introduced himself and
welcomed Peter.

Chris took charge.  "I think we can get started as we are all here."  They
all sat down in the various comfortable chairs that were arranged in a
large circle.  "First, good to see you all.  Second, we welcome Peter who
is joining us.  Peter is a student from the University."  This was greeted
with groans from several, but one chap looked up and gave Peter a broad
grin, and said, "Take no notice of them.  They are actually human when you
get to know them."

Chris continued, "As it is Peter's first time I remind you of the rules.
He need not say anything.  We don't interrupt when others are telling how
things have gone, until they have finished, and given us permission to
comment.  Who is going to start this evening?"

"I will," said the older man.  "I have had a mixed week.  I have not done
anything, but it was touch and go.  I had to be in town on Friday evening,
which was the time when I often used to go to Rutters and pick someone up.
The temptation to go back there was so strong.  I even found myself walking
past it.  I glanced in, but then thought of what I would have to tell you
chaps."

"But you did resist," said one of the others.  "Well done."  There were
other sounds of approval.

"I have had a bad week," said a man in his twenties.  Very quietly and
slowly he went on, "I was just settling down for an evening doing various
jobs like the washing and some household repairs, when an old friend named
Sam called round.  He has been abroad for a year, he did not know what has
been happening to me here.  I had to invite him in.  He gave me one of his
wonderful kisses.  I am afraid he stayed the night."  This man's account
also included a history of his relationship with Sam, all expressed in some
detail and taking quite a time.

"Sounds as though you were swept off your feet."  "You had little choice."
"Have you repented and know forgiveness?"  "How do you feel now?"  These
were some of the comments made.

So it went round the group.  It was a mixture of successes and failures.
There was no harsh judgement on those who had failed.  They all seemed to
know a lot about each other's experiences and past.  The last part of the
group time was spent in open prayer.  One or two found praying aloud very
difficult, and were slightly embarrassed.  Those prayers were often simple,
and Peter thought the most genuine.  A couple of the men present were used
to praying aloud in an evangelical prayer meeting way.  Peter's academic
mind noticed the jargon, and the frequency of the words, `really' and
`just'.

The group meeting lasted just over an hour.  They then stood around talking
for a further twenty minutes.  Peter was drawn into a smaller group, he was
asked where he came from, his accent gave his origins away.  He was asked
what he was studying.  The other student came across, introduced himself as
John, reading English, and they then chatted about University life.

Peter left the meeting in a positive frame of mind.  He thought he could
get on all right with Chris.  The group was friendly and welcoming.
Perhaps all things would be well.

-0---0---0-

45.

Dealing with Ben, and more about Straightahead.

Living away from the University campus, and in a small house with two other
men, brought about a number of changes in Peter's way of life.  One
immediate difference was that the three who shared the house had all the
difficulties and fun of living together.  Peter found that he got on
particularly well with Robert, who was reading theology, and hoping to be
ordained into the Church of England ministry.  They were often to be found
talking together over endless cups of coffee, or cans of beer.  There was
no doubt about Robert's sexual orientation.  He had had several girl
friends during his first year in Hall, and this term one particular girl
Katie was a frequent visitor to the house in Chilwell.  Sometimes she would
stay the night, especially over weekends.

Robert was of different churchmanship to Peter.  Peter's was conservative
evangelical, very traditional in doctrine, strict in its ethical teaching,
emphasising personal morality, simple in its worship, with a touch of
charismatic worship.  Robert was a liberal Catholic, fairly orthodox in
doctrine, not quite so strict in ethical teaching, with more of an emphasis
on issues of justice and peace.  The church he attended was well known for
its elaborate ceremonial, `smells and bells'.  Whereas Peter's vicar,
Bruce, was a member of Reform, and was against the ordination of women to
the priesthood, and totally against any expression of homosexuality,
Robert's vicar was a member of Affirming Catholicism, supporting the
ordination of women, and far more understanding of homosexual activity.

Their disagreements led to some lively discussions, sometimes heated, often
hilarious.  Underlying their differences was a basic agreement on the
essentials, for both of them Jesus was the key to so much in their lives.
Though they prayed and expressed their faith in very different ways they
both accepted that they loved and served the same Lord, and that there was
an essential oneness in Him.

It may seem strange, but they had never discussed homosexuality.  Peter had
never raised it, and diverted it if the discussion seemed to be going in
that direction.  The result was that Peter's homosexual problems were
totally unknown and unsuspected by Robert.

The term was just over a week old, when Peter arrived back in Chilwell to
find a letter addressed to him on the door mat.  The writing told him who
it was from.  He took it upstairs before opening it.  My dear Peter, I
failed to get your new address at the end of last term, so I have had to
obtain it from the administrative bureaucracy.  I hope that your long vac
went well.  Clive has told me all about you and Anton.  I was delighted to
hear it.  I have only met Anton a few times, and thought him a good lad.
Clive speaks extremely highly of him, both professionally and personally.
He says you could not have linked up with a better bloke however much you
had tried.  I do hope that you find much joy and happiness together.  We
had a wonderful holiday together.  Touring with a man like Clive makes you
realise how much racial prejudice there is around in some people; though
thankfully not in all.  I am writing to invite you round for a meal so that
we can catch up on news.  Give me a ring, and we will fix a time when the
three of us [or four - Anton?] can get together.  Clive sends his love.
Much love Ben.

Peter sat on his bed.  His feelings for Ben and Clive came to the fore.  He
remembered Bruce's words saying that he should not see them, certainly not
go to their house.  Then he remembered Anton, the ease of their
relationship, the warmth of his body, the ecstasy of their sex together.
Before he knew it he was thoroughly aroused.  With difficulty he pulled his
mind away. He tried to pray for help, but found little help.  He heard
someone come in downstairs, so he went down to make himself a drink, and to
get talking to who ever had returned home.

He knew that he had to respond to the letter.  He wondered whether to leave
it until he saw Chris, so that he could talk it over with him.  Was this
not the sort thing a companion was there to help you with?  After some
thought he decided to reply as soon as possible.  It was another difficult
letter to write.  Again there were several drafts before he began to be
satisfied.

Dear Ben, Thank you for your letter and for the invitation to a meal.
Things changed a great deal for me during the second half of the long vac.
My parents discovered my relationship with Anton.  It is a long story, but
with their help and advice, I have committed myself to go no further down a
gay path, but to seek healing and strength to follow the natural path.  In
these circumstances I know it would be best if I did not meet up with you
and Clive, Yours sincerely Peter.

The letter left him in turmoil.  He felt bad about the letter.  Everything
kept coming into his mind during the following week.  When he had his
session with Chris, he showed him the letter, and a copy of his reply.
Chris approved of what he had done.  The second part of the session
together was spent with Chris explaining how important it was to be able to
relate to men in a totally non-sexual way.  They looked at men to whom
Peter had been attracted.  Raymond was discussed in detail, and also the
relationship with Ben and Clive.

In the group Peter told them about the letter, and his reply.  His response
met with approval.  It was the older man, who asked a question.

"What effect did that letter have on you?  What has been your reaction?"

"Well.  It stirred everything up.  I have been thinking a lot about Ben and
Clive.  I like them both very much. I think I would do anything for Ben.
There has never been anything sexual between us.  I felt terrible writing
and posting that letter.  I felt I was kicking a good friend in the face."
There were nods of sympathy from other members of the group.  "It brought
everything in my relationship with Anton back into the fore.  I think I am
making one step forwards, and then something like this happens and I seem
to be three steps back.  What do I do about it?"

"It is the way it usually goes," said John, the student.  "I think you just
have to press on through, trying with help from all quarters, from God,
from this group, to make up those three steps and more.  Remember Pete,
there are many praying for you."

"And I must not let them down."

In the prayer meeting time Peter was prayed for three or four times.  When
the meeting broke up, several spoke encouragingly to him.  A couple put
their arms round him and gave him a quick hug.  John, the other student,
hung back, so that they left together.  They walked back to the University
Campus together; Peter got a bus for the rest of the way back to Chilwell.

-0---0---0-

46.

The Autumn Term

That autumn term was a difficult one for Peter.  For the first time since
his early school days he found that he was not enjoying his work.  A new
essay provided no challenge, it was just something to be done.  A new book
was never interesting. He would try to read, but found concentration
difficult.  Sessions with his tutor, which he had found stimulating during
his first year, and enjoyable with the cut and thrust of discussion, were
now difficult hours, when he found he had little to say.  In his first year
he had played quite a lot of hockey, but that was dropped.  As the term
progressed he frequently got up in the morning and faced the day as just
something to be got through.  He had lost his enthusiasm for life.

He remembered how he had run into Ben at the University during his first
term, he feared meeting him face to face again.  He avoided the place where
they had first met, and as much as possible never went near the English
Department.  He knew that his letter must have been hurtful to Ben, and Ben
was the last person he had wanted to hurt.  The very thought of Ben and
Clive, their friendship, hospitality and fun, caused him sadness.

Then there was Anton.  Often two or three times a day he would think of
Anton.  Sometimes he succeeded in pushing his memories out of his mind.
But often when he was alone, and especially last thing at night, the
picture of Anton's body would be especially strong.  The more he tried to
push it from him, the more potent it was.  He tried to pray, but that did
not work.  He tried reading various sorts of books, but none would hold his
attention for long.  All too soon he would be back thinking and wanting
Anton.

The friendship with Raymond was still there, but because neither of them
was living on campus, they no longer met as frequently as during their
first year.  They tried to meet on a Sunday afternoon.  Unless the weather
made it totally out of the question they would walk in either the
University Park, or Wollaton Park.  Peter did not tell Raymond what had
happened at the end of the previous term and during the vac.  The
friendship that was significant in the earlier part of the year, now became
static, it no longer grew.

Peter saw nothing of George Riley.  This was one of the few good things of
his second autumn term.

He continued to attend the Straightahead meetings each week.  Chris
listened with understanding to accounts of his ups and downs.  Chris said
it was important that Peter began to explore relating to men in a non
sexual way.  He said that this was done by `safe' physical contact.  To
demonstrate he gave Peter a quick hug round the shoulders.  The next week
it was a face to face hug.  Peter felt himself begin to respond.  He pulled
away.

"Were you beginning to get a hard on?" asked Chris.

"Yes," said Peter with some embarrassment.

"That's all right.  There is no way we are going to go any further.  Come
on, hold me too."

They hugged each other.  "I can only do it without getting an erection if I
think of some issue in economics"

Chris laughed. "See how you get on next week."

So week by week they progressed.  From hugging, they went on to Peter
sitting on Chris' knee.  Always Peter was honest and open about his
response.  There was only a slight attraction towards Chris, but the
physical contact with Chris stirred memories of Anton, and these caused the
sexual arousal.

Towards the end of term Chris invited Peter to come round to his flat in
Stapleford for a meal.

The group time was always interesting and sometimes helpful.  The small
group of men shared their lives.  Peter quickly felt one of the group.
Often after the meeting time they would stand for a while talking.
Occasionally they would adjourn to a nearby pub.  This was always pleasant.
They could never go into a gay pub together because of their involvement
with Straightahead, though sometimes one of them told how he had slipped
into one during the week.  In a straight pub they could never talk openly
about what they had in common.  Almost every week Peter would walk back to
the University with John.  They took to going back to John's room for a
drink and further chat, before Peter made his way out to Chilwell.

Often they would discuss the evening at Straightahead.  It was John who one
evening suggested that two men at Straightahead were more than just
friends.

"What are you suggesting?  That they are having it off together?" asked a
rather surprised Peter.

"Yes, just that.  You watch them.  See how they look at each other."

The next Wednesday evening Peter kept an eye on the two concerned.  As he
walked back with John he said, "I think you may be right.  I think there is
something between those two.  I am surprised."

"I am not," said John very firmly.  "I would not be surprised if there was
more going on than just those two.  Last term there was something between
one of the clients and his companion.  They both stopped coming at the same
time, and I was just beginning to wonder about them.  Charles was very
evasive when I asked a few questions about them.  I am beginning to think
Straightahead just suppresses our sexuality. If you suppress it for long it
will find a way out in some form or another."

The days grew shorter and cooler.  The damp mists of the Trent valley
frequently pervaded the lower parts of Nottingham, Beeston and Chilwell.
There were several nights when the University campus had clear skies, but
as Peter went down into Beeston the mists closed around.  There seemed to
him to be some symbolism in that experience.  Slowly the University term
drew towards its end, and into the final ten days.

-0---0---0-

47.

An Evening with Chris.

The autumn term that year ended on Wednesday 9th December.  It was the last
ten days that were to prove eventful.

Chris's invitation to a meal was for Saturday, 28th November.  Chilwell and
Stapleford are not very far apart, so Peter decided to walk the couple of
miles.  He found the flat easily.

It was an upstairs flat consisting of bedroom, living room, kitchen and
bathroom.  Chris had obviously spent time and money in decorating and
furnishing it.  It was no bleak bachelor pad.

Over sherry Peter sat on the settee, and Chris on an armchair.  Chris kept
jumping up to attend to culinary matters.  The table was attractively laid
and the food and wine excellent.

"I like entertaining," said Chris.  "It gives me an excuse to cook a proper
meal."

Their conversation over the meal was mainly about University life, and the
economics of banking.  They both found the discussion stimulating.  When
they had finished nibbling at biscuits and cheese, Peter helped Chris clear
the table.  Offers to help with the washing up were firmly refused.  Chris
pointed to a dishwasher.  Eventually they returned to the other room, with
the coffee.  Peter again sat on the settee, and this time Chris joined him.

Peter took the opportunity to find out more about Chris.  He asked about
his active gay past. Chris proceeded to tell of various episodes.  He was
very frank.  One or two of the stories were amusing, and they both had a
good laugh.

"With the end of term in sight, you will soon be having a break from
Straightahead.  How do you think this term has gone for you?  Do you think
you have made any progress?"

"Yes and no.  Yes, I think I have profited by being able to be open with
you and the group.  The chaps at Straightahead are all very supportive and
encouraging.  On the other hand I don't think I have made much progress.
As I have told you, I often find myself thinking of Anton, and wanting him.
I think that if I met him in the street and he asked me back to his flat, I
would go with him like a shot.  I would not want to leave him until he
threw me out."

"You not only enjoyed the sex with him, you fell in love with him, didn't
you?"

"I suppose I did. Strangely enough I have never put that into words.  Yes,
I fell in love with Anton.  I suppose I love him still."

"That is possibly the root of your difficulty.  If you had played the field
like most of us at Straightahead have done, liking some of your lovers more
than others, I think breaking with it might have been easier.  You could
have worked to some tangible goals. But for you it is centred on your
experience with just one man, who you fell in love with."

"What can I do about it?"

"I think we need to think carefully about that one."  Chris paused.  "Would
you like some more coffee, by the way?"

Peter nodded.  "Yes please."

Chris refilled the two coffee cups, and again sat back.  This time he put
his arm along the back of the settee, behind Peter's head.

"To get back to your question.  You could just carry on along your present
path.  You could carry on trying to get the memories of Anton out of your
system.  Another way, perhaps, would be to make Anton one among several.
Then the memory of him would not continue to be so compelling.  I am not
suggesting a wild life of profligacy."  He just let his fingers lightly
touch the back of Peter's neck as he withdrew his arm.  It almost seemed an
accidental touch.

"I don't know.  It seems to me a course with a certain amount of risks.
One of the strengths of my present position is that I have not had a lot of
sexual experience; and that was with one man, not many."  He looked at
Chris.

"Yes.  It would have to be carefully controlled."  He tapped Peter's knee
with his forefinger, to emphasise his words.

Peter sat thinking.  Chris then moved closer, and put his arm round Peter,
and gave him a gentle hug.

Peter looked at him, and grinned.  "Is this one of your exercises in self
restraint?"  He gave a slight movement towards Chris.

"It could be."  There was a silence for a moment.  "Or it could be
something more."

"In what way?"

"We know each other.  We trust each other.  I can help give you that
further experience.  Would it not be better for us to enjoy each other, in
a safe, knowing way, than for you to have some casual pick-ups?"  He put
his hand lightly on Peter's thigh.  "You are very attractive, Peter."

Peter put his hand on Chris's, and gave it a gentle squeeze.  Chris took
that as an encouragement, so he lent closer and gave Peter a kiss on his
cheek.  He kept his face close.  Peter turned, and smiled, and they gave
each other a proper kiss.  They smiled at each other, and then gave each
other a long and deep kiss.  They moved closer, and made themselves more
comfortable.  Chris hand moved slightly higher.

Peter was only too well aware that he was fully aroused.  He wondered about
Chris, so he put his hand on Chris's thigh.  They continued to kiss, and
Chris moved his hand so that he could feel the outline of Peter's hardened
cock.  This was the first time he had felt it with his hand.  He then took
Peter's hand and placed it on his own hardened cock.

Chris broke the kiss.  "Can you stay the night?"

Those words broke the spell.  Peter remembered another evening.  It was not
a cold and damp November evening, but a hot, thundery summer evening, with
another man.  He knew he still in some way loved Anton.  To have sex with
Chris would be enjoyable, and though he saw that it would be a betrayal of
his present involvement with Straightahead, he felt that it would be an
even greater betrayal of Anton.

Peter pulled away.  "I don't think so."  He did not want to hurt Chris,
more than necessary.  "I would not be happy about it.  I am sorry."  He
lent forward and gave Chris a formal peck kiss on his cheek.  "I like you
Chris.  But I don't want to go that far.  At least, not at the moment."

Peter stood up.  "Thank you Chris for a lovely evening.  I enjoyed the
meal.  It was great talking and getting to know you better.  Thank you for
that time," he nodded towards the settee.  "I enjoyed that too.  I hope you
don't feel too hurt that I could not take it any further.  I must be
going."

Chris got Peter's jacket and helped him put it on.  Peter gave Chris a hug
and a kiss.  "Thank you."  He opened the door leading down the stairs "See
you on Wednesday" He made his way out into the November night.

Peter was glad that he had the walk back to Chilwell.  It gave him an
opportunity to do some serious thinking.  He felt confused by the evening's
events.  He felt somewhat betrayed by Chris.  He had trusted him, and saw
him as someone who would help him escape from his homosexuality.  Surely
the attempted seduction was totally against the principles of
Straightahead.  He wondered what Charles Turner would say, if he knew.  His
relationship and belief in Straightahead was now shaken.  It was not a
perfect organisation, it was no better than those who were involved in
working for it.  He should not have expected otherwise. There was never
such a thing as a perfect organisation.  He remembered the old adage about
searching for the perfect church, and it ceasing to be perfect the moment
you joined it.

He thought about his own reaction.  He had very nearly stayed the night
with Chris.  There was now, as he walked under a dripping tree, even a
slight regret that he had not agreed to a night of warmth, affection and
sex.  What caused him most thought was the reason why he had said, `no'.
He still wanted Anton.  He ruminated for a while on how much he must have
hurt Anton.  What was Anton doing now?  At work?  In his flat?  Alone?

Then he pushed Anton away.  Though his confidence in Straightahead had been
severely tested, he resolved to continue with the programme, at least for
the time being.  He decided he would not tell Charles Turner what had
happened; unless Chris made further advances, or made problems in some way.
He began to look forward to the end of the term, and getting home.
Nottingham was creating its problems as Whitgest had in the summer.

When he arrived back at the house in Chilwell he found Robert sitting alone
drinking coffee.

"Want some coffee?  Katie's upstairs having a bath."  He got up to get
Peter a coffee.  "What have you been doing this evening you look very
serious."

"Do I?  It has been a funny sort of evening."  He wondered whether to tell
Robert about himself.  It would be good to talk it all over with someone
who was a friend who stood outside the whole issue.  "There is something I
have been thinking of telling you for some time."

He got no further.  Katie, flushed and fragrant from her bath, returned to
the room.  The couple obviously wanted to be alone, so Peter retired alone
to his room with his cup of coffee.