Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:53:19 -0400
From: Jeffrey Fletcher <jeffyrks@gmail.com>
Subject: Peter Broad's Story chapter 9

This is a story that involves a little sex between males.  If such a story
is offensive, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not
continue, go and surf elsewhere.

This is a work of fiction and in no way draws on the lives of any specific
person or persons.  If there is any similarity to any real persons or
events it is entirely coincidental.

The work is copyrighted (c) by the author and may not be reproduced in any
form without the specific written permission of the author.  It is assigned
to the Nifty Archives under the terms of their submission agreement but it
may not be copied or archived on any other site without the written
permission of the author.

My thanks to Brian who has read this through and made a number of
corrections and suggestions.  Any remaining errors, grammatical, spelling
historical or whatever are entirely my fault.

Thank you to those who have commented on my stories.  If you want to
comment on the story then do contact me on Jeffyrks@hotmail.com. but
please, after 8th May 2010 I am away until then. I aim to reply to all
messages eventually.

If you wish to be added to or removed from a chapter post notification
list, please send an email with your request to jeffyrks@gmail.com

Peter Broad's Story



48.

Straightahead.

When Peter arrived at Straightahead on the following Wednesday evening,
Charles Turner greeted him with the news that Chris was unwell and unable
to be present.  They stood in conversation for a few minutes.  Chris's
absence meant that he had just over an hour to wait for the group meeting.
He made himself a coffee, and glanced through some Christian literature
that was on a table.

After three quarters of an hour John arrived, the first of the group.  He
made himself a cup of coffee, and sat down with Peter.  They chatted about
University life, and Peter noticed that John was restless and distracted.
Then other members of the group began to arrive, and they were joined by
two others who had been seeing their companions before the group meeting.

At the group meeting Peter told them about what had happened on Saturday
evening.  He did this without revealing who was the other person involved.
He was open about the extent of the mixed feelings he had when he walked
back to Chilwell, that he had not accepted the offer of sex.  He told them
that the basic reason for saying `no', was that he still felt a lot for
Anton.

One after another the members of the group spoke about the previous
week. It was the usual mixture of successes and failures.  The last person
to contribute was Peter's fellow student, John.

"I have deliberately waited so that I would be the last one to speak
tonight.  I have something special to say.  This will be the last time that
I come to Straightahead."  Everybody looked at him intently.  "I have been
coming to this group for about a year.  I have found every help and
encouragement from you all. That I am not coming again is not due to you.
Don't add that to the burden of guilt that so many of you already have.  I
can honestly say that I have tried hard.  This last few weeks things have
been coming to a head.  There has been no sense of progress in my attempts
to deal with my sexual orientation."

"How can you say that?" asked one member.  "You have told us many times of
your overcoming temptations to read gay porn, to go cruising and so on."

"Yes.  And in one sense I have not lied.  What I have not said, is the cost
that this has been to myself.  I think I can say it; the cost to my own
inner integrity.  Over the last few weeks I have come painfully to the
conclusion that I am gay.  Definitely gay.  I can't change from being gay.
I have fought against this.  I think I can say that I have reached this
conclusion with a certain amount of reluctance.  I am gay.  I cannot any
longer go against what I am.  I find I am increasingly facing a cost in
trying to suppress it.  Suppression of something in our lives is always
dangerous.  My religion is just giving me a load of guilt, and shame.  I
can no longer deny what I am.  I have tried to work at my sexuality in the
light of my faith, and I have failed.  Now perhaps I have to work at my
religion in the light of my sexuality.  Though I must say at the moment I
don't know that I have the will power to do so.  Or even if I want to.  The
Church is at its core homophobic.  I don't want to go through life carrying
the load of guilt, which so many of its followers seem to see is a mark of
true discipleship.  I don't blame any of you.  Thank you all.  You have all
tried to help.  If anyone has failed it is not you, it is me."

There was a silence in the group.  Some just stared at John.  Others looked
away, not knowing where to put their eyes.

"I think I had better be going.  I don't think it would be right to stay
for the prayer time.  I don't know what to think about praying now."

John got up and walked across towards the door.

"You don't have to go.  Have you really thought through what you are
doing?" asked Charles, who was the member of the Straightahead team present
that evening.

John turned towards him.  "Charles, I have thought long and hard about what
I am doing.  When I joined Straightahead nearly a year ago, you yourself
said that I could leave at any time.  That is what I am doing now.  I have
told you all why I am leaving.  Let me now leave without any hassle or
acrimony.  Goodbye all."  John took the further steps towards the door, and
left the room.

There was a moment of stunned silence in the room, but before there could
be any discussion about what had happened, Charles spoke.  "We really must
pray for John, that he really sees the error of his ways and the dangerous
slope he is on.  Perhaps the best thing would be for us all to be in
silence, and just hold him up to the Lord."

The prayer time that evening never took off.  It was much shorter than
usual, and far fewer of the men joined in the open prayer.  When they
finished Charles tried to have a cheery word with everyone, for he could
detect that John's words had come as a bomb shell.  The group quickly
dispersed.  It seemed to Peter that some were angry with John for rocking
the boat in the way he had; others were thoughtful and wondering about
themselves.

Peter took the opportunity when speaking to Charles, "Does that sort of
thing often happen?"

"Most men just drop out; stop coming.  One or two have written letters to
say why.  I have never known anyone to be audacious enough to come and say
that to us face to face."

"I would have used the word `courageous'," muttered Peter.

It was a very thoughtful Peter that made his way back to Chilwell.
Straightahead obviously did not have a 100% success rate.  Chris and John
in their different ways showed that.  Was he going to be reckoned a success
or a failure? For the first time he was tempted to turn round and to call
on Anton, or possibly go to Rutters.  But he was too near to Chilwell to
turn back.  He was thankful that there did not seem to be any of the other
lads around when he got back.  He quickly got himself a drink and retired
to his room.  He did not sleep well, thoughts about the evening, and sexual
images chased around in his mind.

-0---0---0-

49.

Peter's end of Term Meeting with his Tutor

Peter was early at the University the next morning.  He had been summoned
to see his tutor.  This had come as a surprise.  As he walked up the hill
towards the Economics Department he wondered why.

His tutor's room was the usual chaos of books and papers everywhere.  A
pile of papers was removed from one of the several chairs and placed with
several other heaps on the floor.

"Sit down, Peter."

His tutor pulled his own chair round from behind the desk, so that he was
not facing Peter so formally.  Peter had never known him to do this before.

"How do you think the term has gone for you?"

"Oh.  All right.  I think."

"Are you sure?  Has anything happened?  Is anything going wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let me put it this way.  Last year your work was excellent.  If I
were a betting man, I would have put some money on you getting a first.
This term your work is totally different.  Judging by what you have given
in this term you will be lucky to scrape by with a third.  At tutorials and
seminars last year you were a lively and positive contributor, nearly
always with something worthwhile to say.  This term you have hardly said a
thing.  What has happened Peter?"

Peter gave no answer.

"There must be a reason.  Have you fallen in love?  ...  Have you got
financial problems?  ... I am sure you do not have a drink problem.  Surely
you have not got caught up with drugs?  ....  What is the problem, Peter?
Something has happened to you this term.  What is it?"

"It is certainly not drugs.  I do drink a little.  I have never been drunk.
I don't think I have ever had more than three pints in an evening."

"It must be something.  There must be a reason for a very bright student
becoming less than mediocre almost overnight.  What is it, Peter?  I am not
here as a judge, but as your tutor to help.  If it is a financial mess tell
me, and we will see if we can get it sorted out.  You are not running up
gambling debts are you?"

Peter laughed at the suggestion.  "No way."

"Do you know I think that is the first time I have seen you laugh this
term.  You used to be such a cheerful person."

"I think I do know the reason."

"What is it?"

"I don't want to say."

"Have you got a girl pregnant or something?"

"You've got a fertile imagination, they are all wide of the mark."

"They are all ones that I have come across.  I bet your reason is not new
to me."

"Last year was a journey of self discovery for me.  Just before coming up,
a girl friend said she thought I might be gay.  I firmly resisted the idea.
But slowly over the year I came, I suppose reluctantly, to realise that she
was right.  Right at the end of the summer term I met someone.  Another
man."  Peter opened his hands and shrugged his shoulders.

"Well you win the bet.  That is a first time with me.  So you discovered
yourself, and met another man.  So what?  There are a lot of gay men in
this University, staff and students.  Some are good academically, some not
so good.  Discovering you are gay does not explain why your work so
suddenly went all to pot.  You have not got AIDS have you?"

"No, I am pretty sure I have not."

"What then?  What fully explains what has happened with you?"

"During the vac my parents discovered what had happened with this man
friend.  They were shocked.  Terribly shocked.  You see, I come from a
religious, a conservative evangelical family.  To be gay is to have your
soul in perpetual danger, to engage in gay sex is far far worse that
straight adultery or fornication.  They pointed out to me the danger I was
in, both in this life and the life to come.  They arranged for me to see
the vicar. He is a man I would call a friend, I know him well.  He arranged
for me to go along to a Christian group here in Nottingham.  They are
helping me to break with, or at least overcome my sexual orientation."

"Bloody hell!  Is this still the Middle Ages? How old are you, Peter?"

"Getting on for twenty."

"I am a straight man.  I am married with three kids.  I am not an expert on
homosexuality; but one thing I do know is that a person's sexual
orientation can never really be changed.  A bisexual's inclinations can be
pushed in a more hetero direction.  But if a man is gay, he is gay.  It can
be suppressed, but always at great cost to the individual.  You are caught
between the proverbial rock and hard place; between your brand of religion
and your own sexuality.  It is a case of an irresistible force meeting the
immovable object.  No wonder your work has all gone to pot."

"What can I do about it?"

"How have you been in yourself this term?  Has it been a happy, positive,
good term?"

"No.  I must confess I no longer enjoy my work.  I have given up playing
hockey, which I used to enjoy."

"It seems to me that you have had a term trying to make your sexuality give
way to your religion.  The result has been that you are not the cheerful,
hard working, hockey playing man that you were last year.  The spark has
gone out of you, Peter.  What would happen if you tried to adjust your
religion somewhat?"

"My faith means a lot to me.  I could not just throw it overboard."

"But there are other brands of Christianity, are there not?  I don't know
much about these things.  I am not a Christian.  Christians always seem to
be arguing with each other.  I am sure there must be some somewhere who are
gay friendly."

Their discussion went on for some time.  When Peter left, he was thoughtful
about his academic work.  He determined to think things through over the
Christmas vac.

-0---0---0-

50.

Talk with Robert.

It was Saturday afternoon when Peter was next alone in the house with
Robert.

They were sitting, elbows on the kitchen table, drinking tea, and working
steadily through a packet of chocolate biscuits.

"There was something you were thinking of telling me a week ago, when we
last talked," said Robert initiating the conversation.

"Yes, something about myself.  You may be able to help."

"Well, spill the beans, friend.  Father Robert will grant you absolution,
especially if it is a nice spicy sin."

"Stop fooling.  I am serious.  I have got problems."

"Who hasn't?  No, I will shut up.  What is the trouble?"

"Can I trust you not to shout what I am going to tell you from housetops?"

"Yes.  It will be good practice, I will regard what you tell me as under
the seal of the confessional."

"Last year I came to realise that I was gay.  Right at the end of last term
I met this guy.  My parents found out, and the balloon went up.  I have
been undergoing a sort of counseling, and group therapy process, to heal
me."

"My God!  I had no idea.  That will be under the seal of the confessional,
I promise,... locked, barred and bolted as well.  You are not the usual
sort of gay man.  How's the therapy going?"

"Badly.  Last Saturday evening someone tried to seduce me, and I nearly
fell.  But I realised that in any case I did not want him, I still wanted
the chap I met at the end of the summer term.  That's why I was serious
when I got back, you remember?  Earlier this week one of the chaps at
Straightahead, that's the group I go to, backed out.  He said the therapy
was creating more problems than it was solving.  That shook me.  It made me
see that it is creating problems, big problems, for me too. Then my tutor
asked to see me, and told me my work had gone to pot this term.  He wanted
to know the reason why."

"Did you tell him?"

"Yes.  He suggested I adjust my religion."

"I suppose this Straightahead thing, is one of your fundamentalist groups?"
Peter nodded.  Robert went on, "How is it going for you?  How do you think
you are getting on?  Are you being healed, or cured, or straightened out,
whatever term they use?"

Peter looked Robert fully in the eye, "No, I don't think I am.  In many
ways it seems to be screwing me up.  I am in a worse state now at the end
of term than I was at the beginning.  I still want Anton, that was the
man's name.  I want him as much now as I did after being with him."

"Well, you will have to become more catholic", said Robert, with a broad
grin.  "There are plenty of gay men, priests even, in my part of the dear
old Church of England.  I suspect that there are some at your
fundamentalist end, but they remain more firmly in the closet."

"It is not as simple as that, and you know it."

"You have told me what has happened.  More important, is how do you put
into words your exact problem?"

"I believe my religion, what the Bible says, that homosexual activity is
definitely wrong.  I suppose that is what my mind says.  The other side of
me, the feeling, the heart part of me, wants it very, very strongly.  The
more I try to control my sexual desires, the more uncontrollable they seem
to be."

"Yes.  That's it.  Your religion and your sexuality seem incompatible."

"Well they are, aren't they?"

"Are they?  I know a couple of your sort of Christians have written books
that disagree with the party line.  I could find out the details and let
you have them."

"Thanks.  That might help.  But what am I to do with me now?"

Robert sat and looked at him for a moment.  "Well my friend, it is almost
the end of term.  Give yourself this Christmas vac. to decide.  You have
either to go along with your fundamentalist tyranny, and try to find some
mythical cure; or else you have to be what you really are, a gay man.  I
know which one I would prefer you to be."

"Which?"

"The gay man, of course.  You would be happier and more fulfilled in
yourself. If you remain in the closet, holding on to your fundamentalist
views, you will become a narrow minded intolerant bigot.  As a catholic
member of the Church of England I would much prefer you as a gay friend,
than a fundamentalist acquaintance.  Besides, you might become a catholic
like me."

Robert ducked as Peter gave a swipe with his arm.  They laughed at each
other.

"Seriously.  You must be true to your faith and to your own inner
integrity.  I will pray for you over the vac."

"Thanks again."

"Of course, it will be prayers to the Virgin Mary."  He just managed to get
through the door ahead of the cushion that Peter hurled at him.

-0---0---0-

51.

Peter comes out.

Because the Christmas vac was so short, and because he was now living in
the house at Chilwell, and there would be no one coming into his room over
the Christmas period, Peter went home by public transport.

His mother welcomed him home. He noticed that the meal that evening was all
his favourites, steak and kidney pie, followed by queen of puddings.  Apart
from that it was an ordinary home-coming.  There was no inquisition that
evening, though he was sure that he would be asked a number of questions
about the term at some stage.

Preparations for Christmas soon dominated life in the Broad
household. Cards were in-coming and out-going.  Presents were to be wrapped
when the recipients were not around.  Everyone seemed preoccupied.  This
suited Peter well.  He spent a lot of time ostensibly working, but in fact
thinking. He tried whenever the weather was reasonable to go out walking
for an hour or two.  This gave him a further opportunity to think.  He was
again churning over in his mind his present situation.  He soon decided he
could not go on as he had over the previous term.  Straightahead was not
working.  In many ways it was just screwing him up more and more.  His
tutor's words showed him the disastrous effect on his work.

A few days before Christmas Peter received the couple of books from Robert.
He read them through carefully in his room.  He found them helpful because
they were both written from his own theological perspective.

He then made a number of decisions.  He would apologise to Ben and Clive
for what he had written.  He would ask for Anton's forgiveness, and he
hoped that they could pick up from where he had broken things off.  He
would write withdrawing from Straightahead.  They were the easy decisions.
The more difficult ones were the more immediate.  He believed he owed it to
his parents to tell them, what had happened over the last term.  He knew,
too, that he should tell Bruce.  He decided that he would do both those
things after Christmas and New Year.

On Christmas Eve he received a card addressed in the distinctive hand
writing.  Inside the small card were the words, "Miss you. Love Ben and
Clive."  He put the card safely away in a drawer of his desk.  He felt
guilty about the letter that he had sent to them, and that he had not even
bothered to send them a Christmas card.

Christmas came and went.  As the end of the year approached Peter realised
that soon he would have to have a talk with his parents, and tell them what
had happened and of his decision.  The resolution to tell them after the
festivities had seemed relatively easy to make in the middle of December,
but now seemed to be a much more difficult proposition.

New Years day was on a Friday that year.  On the next day Peter's parents,
Mary and Peter had settled down to watch something they all particularly
wanted to see on the television.  Andrew was out with Penny, his latest
girl friend.  The presence of Mary meant that Peter could put off saying
anything to his parents for another evening.

It was nearly nine o'clock when there was a ring at the door.  Anne Broad
got up to go to the front door.  A few minutes later Stanley Menzies
entered the room.  Peter's stomach gave a turn. The television was turned
off, and Peter's father offered Stan a drink.

"I just called in to wish you all a happy New Year.  I am glad I have done
so."  He stood in the middle of the room and turned towards Peter, "I have
got a bone to pick with you, young man.  I find you have been interfering
yet again in the affairs of my family."

He turned towards Peter's parents, "Let me tell you what has happened. I am
sure this will shock you.  I went up to Leicester to spend the New Year
with Matthew and Linda.  One of the first things that young Thomas told me
was, `Grandpa, we have got a new uncle.'  `Oh, have you', I said, `and who
is that?'.  I expected it to be a friend of the family.  But no!  Thomas
told me that it was his daddy's new brother, uncle Ben.  Then he went on,
this uncle has got a special friend called Clive.  Clive is a big black
man, and he chases and tickles them if they call him `auntie Clive'."

He turned back to Peter.  "When I got out of Matthew what had happened I
find that you told Matthew about Ben, and gave him Ben's address and phone
number.  You are responsible for bringing my innocent little grandchildren
into contact with a couple of homosexuals, who live in sin together.  My
grandchildren are in moral danger.  It was bad enough what you did with
Benjamin when dear Dorothy passed away.  But you continue to stick your
nose in, and the filthiness, that I thought I had cut out of my family, is
back infecting a part of it afresh.  And all because of you."

Peter stood up.  "Yes, I did.  I told Matthew about Ben.  I would do so
again.  Yes, and I did come down with Ben to his mother's funeral.  Someone
had to be with him.  I would do that again."

"So you saw him despoil dear Dorothy's grave with his terrible message,
`All is forgiven.'  It was he who should have been seeking forgiveness from
her.  What had he to forgive?"

"A lot," said Peter.  "Parents who had thrown him out of his home when he
was still a teenager.  Parents who had almost nothing to do with him for
over ten years."

"Almost?  Almost?  What do you mean by almost?  There was no contact
between Dorothy and I and that creature," shouted Stan Menzies.

"That just shows what little you know.  Ben and his mother exchanged
Christmas cards with a short message each year."

"Did you know this?" questioned Stan to Anne and David Broad.

They both nodded.  "Yes, Peter told us at Easter."

"There is something else you probably don't know," added Peter.  "Ben came
down and spent several hours with his mother, when she was ill in hospital
in Hitchin."

"What?"

"I spoke to Mrs Menzies during last Christmas vac.  I told her that I had
met Ben at University.  She gave me a message for him.  She asked him to
come down quickly if she sent for him.  It was while she was in hospital
that she asked for Ben.  He came down and spent some time with her.  I
think she said that she was sorry for all that had happened with Ben."

"It seems you have been spending all your time at University interfering in
the affairs of my family.  I always thought you were a nasty devious piece
of work.  All you have done has caused untold trouble."

"Trouble to you, Mr Menzies, maybe.  I think I was right in what I did.  I
think it was a Christian act to assist in reconciling Ben with his mother.
I think it was right to be with Ben at his mother's funeral.  I believe it
was right to put two brothers in contact with each other.  They are both
adults.  They both wanted it.  I am not ashamed of anything I have done."

"But you don't see the consequences of what you were doing.  You have put
my little grandson Thomas in contact with two depraved homosexuals.  You
know what they are like?"

"They are like what, Mr Menzies?"

"With children, young boys in particular."

"Mr Menzies, that is tabloid fiction.  Gay men are no more child molesters
than straight men are.  Your young grandson is absolutely safe.  Ben and
Clive are committed to each other.  Neither of them would dream of doing
anything untoward with your grandson.  They are happy and fulfilled with
each other"

"You seem to know a lot about these things, young man.  I am beginning to
wonder.  Are you gay too?"

There was the barest pause.  Then very quietly Peter said, "Yes I am.  I am
gay."

There was a shocked silence in the room.  David Broad exclaimed quietly,
"Peter!".  His mother, "Oh, no!"  and his sister Mary, just put her hand to
her mouth.

Stan Menzies looked round the room.  A leer spread across his face.  "It
seems that I have flushed another homosexual out into the open.  Well, Anne
and David, I will leave you with this gay brat that you have been
nourishing in the bosom of your family.  As for you young man, just keep
yourself from now on out of my family.  In my eyes you are nothing but a
little immoral lout.

Peter drew himself up to his full height so that he looked down on Stan
Menzies.  "And in my eyes, Mr Menzies, you are nothing but a common little
bully!"

They glared at each other for a moment, and then Stan Menzies strode from
the room.  David Broad followed, to see him out of the house.  Peter
collapsed back into his chair.  He heard his mother sob quietly in her
chair.  After a couple of minutes David Broad returned.

"Well Peter I admire your guts in standing up to Stan Menzies.  He is a
bully.  But it was not the best way to drop that bomb shell on your mother
and me."  He went and sat with his wife, and held her hand.

"I know.  I am sorry that it came out that way.  I was going to tell you
before I went back to Nottingham.  But somehow that man got under my skin.
When he challenged me, I had to speak the truth."

"Shall I leave the three of you?" asked Mary, rising to her feet.  "It
seems that you have got some serious talking to do."

"No don't go," said Peter.  "You might just as well hear it all straight
from me."  Mary sat down again.

"Peter, I thought you were receiving Christian help to overcome your
problem," said his mother.

"Yes.  I went along to Straightahead every week for the whole term.  It was
not really helping me.  I was not overcoming my sexual desires. The more I
tried to overcome them, the stronger they seemed to be.  Then several
things happened towards the end of term, that have made me do some serious
thinking."

"But you have only given it one term. Ten weeks.  Bruce told us that it
often takes many months, a year or two even, before a man is finally cured.
Don't you think you should persevere with Straightahead?"

"No.  Four things happened that have made me want no more to do with
Straightahead."  He told them about the evening with Chris.

"You mean that your counselor tried to seduce you at his home?" asked his
horrified father.

"Yes.  He wanted me to stay the night with him.  I very nearly accepted,
but I did not fancy him.  I still wanted Anton.  It was made more confusing
by the way he justified what he wanted to do."  They discussed for several
minutes what had happened.

"Peter, you said there were four things.  What were the other three?" asked
his father.

"There was another student attending Straightahead."  He went on to tell
them about John's last meeting.  "What he said gave me an added spur to
think things through for myself.  John put into words what I was
increasingly feeling myself."

"And the third thing?"

"I think that Straightahead is intrusive in its methods.  They asked a
whole lot of personal questions about this family, that I thought were
uncalled for."

"Such as?", asked Peter's mother.

They wanted to know a lot about the personal relationships within the
family.  How we all get on.  How you two get on," Peter said, looking at
his parents.  "They wanted to know if you were sleeping together.  I
thought that intrusive."

"I agree" said his father.  "What did you say?"

"I told them you slept in the same bed.  I thought you would want me to go
along with it, and tell the truth."

"And the final thing?" asked his father.

"My tutor sent for me.  He said that in my first year my work was showing
that I would probably get a first class degree.  Then he said that from my
work over the last term I would be lucky to scrape by with a third.  He
then asked me what could have caused the change.  The only thing it could
possibly be was the turmoil that I have been in since August.  Ever since
it came out into the open I know I have not been able to concentrate.  I
open my books, I read the words, but little or nothing goes in.  I don't
enjoy the cut and thrusts of tutorial groups any more.  Put frankly, my
work has gone to pot."

"I had no idea that you were having work problems," said his father.

"Can't you just try to knuckle down to your studies, and try to concentrate
more?" asked his mother.

"Mum, don't you think I have tried?  I have kept on trying to do just that.
I have tried this healing business with Straightahead.  It just is not
working.  There is no release, no victory for me.  I feel I am being forced
to deny a truth about myself.  I feel I am forcing myself into a dark
dungeon.  It is no tunnel because there is no light at the end of it."

"But to say openly that you are gay!" exclaimed his mother.  "And to say it
to a man like Stan Menzies.  It will be round the village in no time.  How
can you be so sure?"

"It has been a long journey of self discovery.  I think I told you in the
summer about Janet's words.  They came as a shock.  I was quite angry with
her.  Since what happened in August, I have been going in for quite a bit
of self examination.  I think there were signs of my sexual orientation
early on."

"What do you mean?" asked his mother.

"Do you remember those New Year parties that the Robinson family used to
lay on for all of us children?"

"I remember those," chimed in Mary.  "We used to play postman's knock, and
you had to kiss a boy under the mistletoe.  I always hoped for the boy I
fancied."

"Yes.  Exactly!  I too always wanted to be kissed by one of the big boys.
I never wanted to be kissed by a girl."

"But surely that is normal for a boy at that age," said his father.

"Maybe not to want to kiss with a girl.  I don't think wanting to be kissed
by an older boy is normal for the majority of boys of that young age."

"I am not so sure.  Anyway that is a debatable point.  That is not
substantial evidence."

"Maybe not.  But there is something else.  Ever since I reached puberty I
have from time to time had dreams.  They have come every two or three
months.  They have always been strong vivid sexual dreams, that have
remained powerfully with me afterwards.  Some I can still remember now.
These dreams always involved sex with a male.  Is that normal for a
heterosexual male?"

"Perhaps not," said his father.

"Dad.  When you were an adolescent did you have any sexy dreams?"

His father was slightly embarrassed by the question.  "Yes, I seem to
remember that I did."

"Did they involve sex with a man or with a woman?"

"It is all a very long time ago."

"Come on, Dad.  Try to remember."

"I certainly never remember any dreams about having sex with a man, and I
know I did have some sexy dreams.  So they must have been with a woman."

"There you are.  You are heterosexual and in your youth had heterosexual
dreams.  I in my youth have homosexual dreams.  I think that is a pointer
to the fact that I may well be gay."

"You argue from that evidence well.  Perhaps you should take up law.  But
seriously, what are you really saying, Peter?"

"I have come to the conclusion that I am gay.  On the surface everything in
my involvement with Straightahead was in favour with my breaking with
homosexuality, if that is ever possible.  I had only had a very limited
sexual experience.  It was with just one man.  I could see the conflict
between my faith and my sexuality.  If my sexuality was wrong, and if it
could be changed, then I wanted to be healed, or changed. I was not like
some of the other blokes there.  They had much experience of gay sex with
many men.  They were trying to break with a long established way of life.
With me it was different.  I went into Straightahead honestly and
sincerely.  Not just with an open mind, but committed, hoping it would
work.  The picture of what might happen to me, that you drew in the summer
Dad, was not an attractive one.  Yes, I wanted to be able to get married.
I wanted to have children.  I wanted to be normal, like the majority of
men.  I have given Straightahead a chance.  I have tried.  I have sought
for a cure.  But it just was not working."

"What I am afraid of, Peter," said his father, "Is that you are rejecting
Straightahead because of what happened with your counselor on that last
Saturday evening."

"No, Dad.  I don't think so.  There is more than that.  I don't think
Straightahead was working for several of the lads there.  I am pretty sure
that at least two of them are in an intimate relationship together.
Reading between the lines I don't think Straightahead has a very high
success rate.  Some are like me give it a whirl, and then give it up
because it is not working.  Some are like the couple I have just mentioned.
Others suppress their sexuality so as to be able to conform to the dicta of
their particular church.  What little I know about psychology tells me that
suppression is a dangerous procedure."

"Does this all mean that you are giving up your faith?" asked his mother.

"I don't know at the moment, Mum.  I don't want to.  In some ways I don't
know that I can.  If I am gay then whatever happens, whether I am having
sex, or whether I am celibate, I will always feel out of step in a church
like ours.  I could never be open about an important side of my being. If I
am active I don't think Bruce will want me around.  Robert, the theolog who
lives in the same house in Chilwell...  [He is definitely and actively
straight by the way, in case you started thinking.]  He says there are such
things as gay friendly churches, with gay friendly vicars.  In fact there
are some gay vicars."

"How awful.  I could never receive communion from a man who has had sex
with a man.  The thought of it is revolting."

"You may have done so all ready, Mum.  Quite a lot of gay men end up
married, and there must be some married gay men among the clergy of the
Church of England."

His father interjected, "Peter, you are pulling the conversation away from
yourself.  You only half answered your mother."

"Sorry.  I don't think there will be a place for a person like me in any
church like St Sebastian's here.  But there are other churches.  My faith,
at the end of the day, is not church centred, but Christ centred.  I am
hoping that there is somewhere a church where there will be room for me.
Where I can be accepted."

"But such a church will not be a true Gospel, Bible believing church,
Peter," cried his mother.

"Perhaps it will.  Jesus received the outcasts and rejects of society.  He
had a place for them.  Perhaps there will be a corner for me."

"But a church that accepts gay men, and what they do, is an apostate
church.  It is rejecting Biblical teaching," stated his father.

"But Bruce does not accept all Bible teaching."

"What?" said his parents in astonished unison.

"Let me give you two examples.  What about money lent for interest in the
Bible, it is called usury.  It is prohibited.  There are twenty verses in
the Bible forbidding it.  There are only seven that have anything to say
about gay sex. How many people in St Sebastians have mortgages; that
involves lending money for interest.  Those twenty verses in the Bible are
just not heeded.  Or take divorce, Jesus himself said whoever divorces his
wife, and takes another, commits adultery.  That is set aside."

"Yes, Peter, you can quote these examples; but we need to came back to the
main point, which is you.  For me there are several matters that worry me.
One, have you given Straightahead a fair trial?  You have given your
reasons for not going again.  I am just not sure.  I think you should give
it a much longer chance to help you.  Second, I am worried about your
spiritual welfare.  I can just, with difficulty, see that it might be
possible for someone who has these gay inclinations, to keep them under
control, to abstain from any sexual activity, and so remain a member of the
Christian church.  In fact membership of the church may well help you.
But, if I understand you correctly, you do not intend to be celibate.  I
think you are contemplating leading a life that it is in flagrant
disagreement with fundamental Christian doctrine.  Thirdly, I am concerned
about the effect of your decision on relationships within this family.
Your mother and I, Mary too, though perhaps not so much Andrew, are
committed Christians.  We hold to basic Christian ethical teaching.  What
will be the relationship between us all if you go ahead with what you
propose?"

"We have already discussed your first two difficulties, Dad.  I hear what
you are saying.  I have thought long and hard about them over the last two
or three weeks.  None of my decisions have been easy.  I have not made them
quickly or lightly.  I can understand your last concern.  From my point of
view, you will always be my parents, and you, Mary, my sister.  I love you
all very dearly.  I have not decided on this with any pleasure.  I don't
want to hurt any of you.  I hope, desperately hope, that you will not do a
Stanley Menzies on me, and send me packing into some outer darkness.  My
family means much to me.  You have all given me so much.  I know you love
me.  I know you want the best for me.  But I have also to be true to
myself.  I have to maintain my own inner integrity.  I have tried since
August either to deny what I am, or suppress what I am.  It has been hell."

"Peter, your mother and I have no intention of doing a Stanley Menzies on
you.  This will always be your home.  You will always be welcome; but you
know the house rules."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know what is the acceptable code of conduct in this household.  You
have not given us any cause for concern until these last few months.  I
hope you can see our difficulty.  Your mother and I would be unable to
welcome any male friend, or partner, of yours."

"You would have difficulty if I brought home a boy friend, but no
difficulty with a girl friend?"

"Yes."

"Even if I had lived with that boy friend for several years, like Ben and
Clive?"

"Homosexual sexual activity is wrong.  It would be a sinful compromise for
your mother or I to give any countenance to it within these walls."

"I see.  I can accept that.  Though, if I find the right man, I will find
it hard that I cannot introduce him to you."

"We will continue to pray for your change of heart," said his mother.  She
began to sob. "Peter, we had such high hopes for you.  You were so
promising, not just with your studies, but as a person, so kind and
likeable, so strong and yet so gentle.  But above all you seemed to have
such a love for the Lord.  That you can put all that into jeopardy in order
to follow the lusts of the flesh.  Well!  It just breaks my heart."

Mr Broad puts his arm round his wife.  "I think we have said enough
tonight, Peter."

Peter stood up, and went across to his mother.  He knelt down in front of
her, and put his hands on her arms.  "Mum, you are the last person I want
to hurt.  I am sorry; but I don't want to live a lie with you and Dad."

She looked up at him.  "Yes, I know that."  She gave him a weak smile.  He
then rose to his feet and left the room.

Later that evening he popped out of his room to go to the bathroom.  The
door to Mary's room was open.  She called to him, "Peter, can you come in
here for a moment."

He went in and shut the door behind him.  Mary had been sitting on the bed,
she came and stood in front of him.  "Peter, I have always loved you.  You
are, and always will be, special to me.  Young brother and all that.
Looking after you as a kid.  I don't think I have ever admired you as much
as I have done this evening.  You were very brave.  You dropped a bombshell
on the parents.  They will come round, given time.  They have got a lot of
thinking, and praying to do.  Mum will come round first, I think. I will
work on them both for you."  They stood for a while hugging each other.

"Thank you, Sis.  Thank you for your support."

He turned to leave.  As he opened the door, Mary called after him.  "And I
would not have missed seeing you deal with that toad, Stanley Menzies for
the world."

"Thanks."  He gave a smile, and went off to his room.

-0---0---0-

52.

Seeing the Vicar

It was just before 10.00 in the morning when Peter went round to the
vicarage. He did so, dreading what was likely to happen.  Bruce had helped
him in the early days of his Christian life.  He had prepared him for
confirmation.  He had always given him time.  They had talked, Bruce had
listened, encouraged and supported.  Even in the crisis of August when he
had spoken with Bruce he had been conscious of his love and support.  But
now it was going to be different.  He was going to disagree with Bruce.  In
breaking with Straightahead, and taking the action he intended, he was
going to be disobeying Bruce.  He knew Bruce.  He knew that Bruce was
assured of the rightness of his beliefs and the correctness of his moral
standards.  He knew that Bruce would not take it easily.

He rang at the vicarage door.  Bruce welcomed him in.  He was ushered into
the study.  He sat down, while Bruce went off to make some coffee.  He
returned with two steaming mugs of coffee and a plate loaded with mince
pies.  "These are some of Helen's best productions."

He sat down in the chair the other side of the gas fire.  "Well, tell
me. What sort of term have you had?"

"An interesting one."

"Yes.  I expect it has been; what with your studies and your involvement
with Straightahead."  Bruce chuckled happily.

"It has not been as easy as that."

"What do you mean?"

"I am not going to Straightahead any more.  I am chucking it in."

"Peter!  Whatever for?"

Peter gave him a full account of all the events of the term. Bruce
listened, but with growing agitation as the story went on.

"Peter, how can you give it all up?  You must persevere with Straightahead.
They are wise and experienced people in dealing with homosexuality.  They
will help you. They can cure you."

"I have tried it.  Honestly I have.  I have tried it sincerely.  But it is
making it worse.  To put it crudely, it is screwing me up.  I am now sure,
far far more than I was in the summer, that I am gay.  I don't think I can
be changed."

"Peter, do you want to be changed?"

He thought for a moment before replying.  "No.  I don't know that I do want
to be changed any more."

"Peter, how can you, as a sincerely committed Christian, say that?"

"I have come to realise that my sexual orientation is an essential part of
me.  There are things about me that I don't like.  I know that in several
areas I am proud.  I am proud of my academic ability.  I am proud of my
cricketing skill.  I know that I can get very angry, and I don't like that.
I know I am jealous of certain people.  Those and other things about me I
don't like.  But if they were changed, if I was cured of them, it would be
wonderful.  But it would still be me, the essential Peter Broad that was
left.  But if my sexual orientation was changed it would not be me.  I
would be an essentially different person.  I am happy to be me changed in
those other areas, but not changed in my sexuality.  That is a part of what
makes me me.  I don't think I have put that very clearly.  Do you in any
way understand?"

"I think I do", said Bruce.  "But I disagree with what you are saying.
Surely as a Christian anything that makes you fall short of the glory of
God is something you want to change?"

"I believe integrity is important."

"I agree."

"But I am a gay man.  I have to maintain my deep, inner, personal
integrity.  I must not deny or suppress my sexual orientation.  Christ came
that we should have freedom, that we should be free indeed."

"But that does not mean a freedom to wallow in sin as you seem keen to do."

"I believe that in this respect that is the way I was made.  I believe God
made me gay."

"Peter, that is blasphemy!"

"I don't believe it is an illness to be cured, or a deformity to be
corrected.  My experience with Straightahead has shown me that I don't want
to go along that path.  I have grown up.  I am no longer prepared to be the
compliant child.  I suppose in some ways I have started thinking for
myself."

"You have started to think dangerously.  You are putting your eternal
destiny in jeopardy."

"Are you saying, Bruce, that there is no salvation for an active
homosexual?"

"I think you are contemplating a very serious step, Peter.  You are a
Christian.  You know right from wrong.  You know that gay sex is wrong.
You are not just neglecting a great salvation.  The Bible says that
everyone who hopes in Christ purifies himself as he is pure.  You are
contemplating doing the very opposite of purifying yourself.  You are
contemplating contaminating yourself.  No one born of God commits sin.
Having sex with another man is sin, Peter.  You must surely know that."

"But those texts don't just refer to gay sex, do they?"

"No."

"Well then.  They apply to all sorts of sin.  Are you completely without
sin then, Bruce?"

"No.  You know that I can't say that I am.  The difference between us, is
that you are contemplating deliberate sin.  I sin, yes.  But I do not
deliberately set out to sin.  I can repent, and find forgiveness.  How can
you repent when you are living and sleeping with your boyfriend?"

Peter smiled.  "So it would be wrong to have a steady boyfriend, but it
would be all right to have a series of one night stands because I could
repent and receive forgiveness after each episode.  Then I would just be
sinning like you."

"Peter, if I did not know you better I would say that you were being
insolent," said Bruce firmly.  "You know quite well that it is not as
simple as that.  Sexual sins are very serious.  You are a Christian and
your body is the dwelling place of God's Spirit, it is a member of Christ.
But if you have sex with a man, it is a sin with your body, it is like sex
with a prostitute, about which Paul says every other sin which a man
commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own
body."

"Why this majoring on sexual sin?  You seem to see sexual sins as the most
serious.  What about murder, wife beating, child beating and abuse, slavery
even? Are not those every bit as serious? Are they not all more serious
than two men who like each other getting into bed together?"

"The Bible says it is an abomination.  And for me that is that," said
Bruce.

"For me it is no longer as simple as that.  The Bible says a lot of things
that neither of us holds to."

"But you cannot just push the Bible off one side."

"I don't want to push the Bible off one side. I want to take it seriously.
I want to take it for what it is.  A vitally important collection of
writings, written over a long period of time.  But it is not a code of
rules for all time.  It cannot be.  You can argue for slavery, ethnic
cleansing, polygamy and much else from the Bible.  We have to look at it
from the position where the world is now.  It took Christianity far too
long to come round to seeing that slavery is wrong."

"Peter, you have changed.  You have changed a great deal over this last
term.  You have become very liberal and woolly in your thinking.  You are
in a perilous state."

"That is how you see it.  I feel that I have grown up.  I believe that I
have really started to think on religious matters for myself.  I shall
return to Nottingham and ask for Ben Menzies forgiveness for the way I have
treated him.  I hope to meet up with Anton again.  I hope to find a gay
friendly church."

"Do your parents know all this?"

"Yes, I told them last night."

"How did they take it?"

"They were very shocked and upset."

"I am sure they were.  I am too.  You were such a promising lad.  I had
high hopes for you as a faithful soldier and servant of Christ.  But now."
Bruce shook his head sadly.

"I want to say thank you for your help in the past.  I owe a lot to you,
Bruce.  But I see your brand of Christianity as a sort of scaffolding.  It
had an essential part to play in the erection of the building, but now it
must come down.  It is too restrictive for me.  I have grown up."

"You are nothing more than a typical rebellious adolescent.  I shall pray
that you come through it quickly, and without too much damage."

They sat and looked at each other.  "I don't think there is anything more
to say," said Peter.  "I expect I will see you at Easter."

"If you come to communion on Easter Day I will want an assurance from you
that you are not sexually active," said Bruce.

"You mean you would refuse me communion if I was?"

"Yes."

"But you gave communion to Christine at Christmas" said Peter, remembering
the conversation the previous Christmas about the woman, whose first
husband had left her, and was now to marry again just before Easter.

"Yes, why?"

"You did that in spite of Jesus's words, `Whoever divorces his wife and
marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her
husband and marries another, she commits adultery'."  They are Jesus's own
words.  They are plain, clear words.  They are not obscure texts from
complicated, outdated Old Testament laws or ambiguous New Testament
letters."

"But that is different."

"In what way?"

"The law of the land allows remarriage after divorce, gay sex is forbidden
in the Bible."

"I am sorry Bruce, I do not see the difference.  If you were consistent in
your use of the Bible, then both are forbidden in the Bible, and remarriage
after divorce is prohibited by Jesus himself.  Sex in private between two
consenting adult men is no longer a crime in the eyes of the state."

"I do not think we have anything further to say to each other."

They both stood up.  Peter turned towards Bruce, with a broad grin on his
face.  "What about a pact.  I will abstain from all sexual activity until
Easter, it you out of sympathy and love for me do the same."

"I can't say that!  What about Helen?"

"No, of course you can't.  You ask me to lead, not a mere ten weeks of
abstinence, but a lifetime of sexual inactivity because I am gay; while
you, because you are straight and married, can have as much sex as you
like.  You cannot face just three months of sexual inaction."

"I think you have said enough."  Bruce led the way to the front door.  "I
shall be praying for you, Peter," were his final words.