Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 10:58:28 -0600
From: Kevin Mac <farscape20@hotmail.com>
Subject: RA Adventures, Chapter 18
RA Adventures
(C) KV 2003
If you're offended by sexual activities between men, or if you're younger
than 18, you're not supposed to be here. If you're over 18 and meant to be
here, please, kick back, relax and enjoy! The author reserves all rights.
Individual copies of this story may be downloaded for personal use, but may
not be reproduced without the author's express consent.
Also, this story is rather void of gratuitous sex, so if you're looking for
a quick wank, you'd probably be more satisfied reading elsewhere -- just as
a warning.
-----------------------------
Chapter 18
Clint decided that a nap was in order after all the festivities. He
was right. Having so many people around is fun, but can be to tally
draining. There are just too many emotions usually crammed into not enough
time to process them all.
Still in my clean-up mode, I decided to tackle the kitchen, which was
suffering from a case of leftovers and take-out containers with a weekend
of neglect to top it all off. I consolidated, re-containerized and threw
away. Our refrigerator looked positively pathetic once I had finished with
it. I then managed to get my hands completely soapy in dishwater when I
heard my cell phone's shrill beeping coming from my room, on the opposite
end of the apartment. I knew Clint hadn't closed the door to his room, so
I grabbed the dish towel and dried my hands quickly as I sprinted back to
my room.
"Hello," I answered a little breathlessly.
"Just run a marathon, or am I interrupting something?" came back
Matt's familiar voice.
"Hey man! I was actually going to call you today."
"Right. Anyway, who are you doing tonight?"
"You'll have to do, I guess," I said, smiling into the phone.
"Cool. How about dinner?" he asked.
"Dude, I've eaten enough the past couple of days to feed a small
country," I said, "but I'll go with you if you want to eat."
"Nah, I'll just make myself a sandwich. How about Fenian's?"
Fenian's was our local "Irish" pub. The music was always too loud,
but we enjoyed it. Matt had introduced me to it shortly after we had met,
and I hadn't been in quite some time.
"Works for me. Want me to meet you there?"
"I'll swing by your place around eight," he said.
"Great. See you then."
"Later, bro."
I hung up and finished up before deciding in favor of a nap of my own.
-----------------------------
I slept much longer than I intended, and getting up felt like trying
to pull myself out of another dimension. The house was completely dark and
quiet as a tomb, which didn't help matters either. I stumbled into the
kitchen, flipping on lights along the way. I poured myself a glass of
water in an attempt to wake myself up.
As I shut the fridge, our little dry erase board caught my attention.
Kev, Have a good nap?
Went out for a while. Be back
Later. Call if you need me.
C
"Went out," it read. Hmmmph. I shrugged and wandered back to my
room.
A shower it was going to have to be if I had any hope of properly
rejoining the land of the here and now. I shut the door to my room and
turned on some music before stepping into the bathroom.
I walked back out to Foo Fighters. It was a compilation CD I had
pulled together from songs off the internet. It made me smile and I sang
along as I got dressed. I did manage to catch myself carrying on in the
mirror and burst into hysterics. I felt so incredibly stupid. I vowed to
never sing in public again unless accompanied or quite drunk.
There was a knock at the front door and I ran down the hall in socks
and boxers and opened the door without thinking.
"Hope you're not planning on going out like that," Matt said, smiling.
The cold wind whipped through the door and assaulted my bare skin. My
nipples hardened instantly. I ushered him in quickly and shut the door.
Matt tweaked one of my nips on the way by and we both laughed.
I hugged him and the outside of his clothes was cool to the touch.
"What time is it?" I asked as I walked back to my room. Matt pulled
off his coat and followed me back.
"Seven o'clock," he said, sitting down in front of my computer.
"Did we say seven?" I asked. I was fairly sure we hadn't, but I had
been rather out-of- it.
"No, but I got tired of waiting," he said, grinning up at me.
"That's cool. I just woke up a little while ago and I feel like I
tried to dig myself out of a grave."
He laughed. "Where's Clint?"
"Out, or so the note said. I'm not sure. His parents and family were
here all weekend."
"For graduation, I assume?"
"Yeah. It was crazy, but we had a good time," I said.
"So I guess you guys are getting along okay, then, huh?"
"Very well," I said, and it struck me as an odd question.
Realization, though, quickly rained down on me and I was rather struck by
the thought. "Tell me we've talked since that night."
He shook his head. "Aw dude!" I said, "I'm so sorry!"
"Don't be. I am too. We both just got busy. It's the time of the
year."
I pulled on a black sweater and I was ready.
"Shall we?" I asked.
"Let's," he said. "You look nice."
"Thanks man."
-----------------------------
Fenian's was pretty empty. Then again, it was early and a weeknight. Matt
and I were the youngest by a good twenty years. We sat down at a corner
table and ordered drinks.
"No ciggies?" Matt asked after a few minutes, noticing I hadn't lit up.
I had never been a heavy smoker, but a bar was one place that usually
brought it out in me.
"I pretty much quit before Thanksgiving," I said. "Got tired of
waking up tasting them."
He smiled. "Good for you."
I took a second and looked him over. His red curls were gelled to
perfection and the green in his eyes stood out sharply against his skin.
He looked edible, as always.
"You look really good," I said finally.
"Thanks!"
"So catch me up. What's been going on? What's new? How'd your
internship at the hospital go?"
"Good. The internship was good. I learned a ton of stuff. It made
me feel kinda stupid," he said.
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Oh yeah. It's for sure what I want to do."
"That's reassuring. So how's Michelle?"
"Well, **that's* a whole other story."
I finished my beer and ordered us both another round. Matt and
Michelle didn't have the perfect relationship, but they had been together
for a long time and had been through a lot. The very fact that he even
mentioned trouble in paradise was serious.
"Spill it," I said.
"You remember the Mainz program?" he asked. I, of course, did. Mainz
was a little city in western Germany where our college had an exchange
program. Matt and I had taken German together in college. It came easy
for us both, but he had gone the extra mile with it.
"You got it?" I asked. Only one student per year got accepted.
He nodded. "Yeah, but she's not as thrilled as I am."
"Congratulations!" I said. "You've been wanting it since you heard
about it freshman year. And sure she's not happy. You'll be gone for a
year."
"Thanks bro," he said, flashing me his pearly whites. "It's not just
that. She wants to settle down here, close to her mom and dad. She
**maybe* wants to travel a little, but she definitely doesn't want to live
anywhere else.
Matt was always talking about travel and Europe. For as long as I had
known him, he watched only the Travel Channel on TV. In fact, we had met
when he chatted me up in my dorm one day after finding out I had lived
overseas for several years. He had wanted to know everything about it.
"And what do you want?" I asked. I knew, but I wanted to play it
easy.
"What do you think? Kev, I've been dreaming about this forever and
I'm sorry, but I don't want to live here for the rest of my life."
"So you're going," I confirmed.
"In September. You know it."
"That's fine and good, but it sounds like a deal breaker, bud."
"I'm starting to think so, too," he said. "I mean, I love her to
death, but I'm starting to think we want different things."
"That's valid. I'm sorry, though. I know it's got to be tough."
"We've been at it a lot lately, it seems like."
"Why didn't you call?" I asked.
"I did," he said and smiled. Our second round was long gone and we
ordered a third. I was going to have to move this party back to the house
before too long, or I'd drink my checkbook away.
"So are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he said. "How about you?"
"I've just been busy. I'm all right."
"So I take it you're not moving out?"
"Oh gosh. I guess I do need to fill you in."
I went over my conversation with Clint from when I'd gotten back to
the house that night and what he'd said about our friendship.
"So he asked you to stay?"
"Yeah. I kept saying no. Then he kissed me."
Matt choked on his Bailey's and spent the next minute coughing and
trying to clear his throat.
"So he's gay?!" he asked a little too loudly.
"Geezus. Think you could say that any louder? The guy in the next
room didn't hear you."
"Sorry," he asked, his eyes still red and watery from coughing. He
called the water over and asked for a glass of water.
"Anyway, I don't think he is," I said. "We've been pretty much normal
since then."
"Why would he kiss you?" he asked, almost appalled sounding.
"Oh c'mon, I'm not **that* bad of a kisser."
I actually succeeded in making him blush. I ate it up.
"He said he just had to know," I said.
"But that's it?"
"Sort of. He said it wasn't totally out of the question but that he
wasn't ready to make any commitments of affection."
"English?" he asked, eyebrows raised.
"We haven't said anything else about it and we've sort of just gone on
like normal."
"Like nothing happened?" he asked.
"Well, I'm not sure. We've definitely been getting along well. Like
nothing happened only in the sense that our relationship for sure isn't
romantic right now. We've gotten closer, but it hasn't been like that."
He thought about this for a while. I could tell the drinks were
starting to get to me. We'd switched to hard stuff after the first round,
and I, in typical fashion, was getting loose in the tongue.
"Do you have any clue what you're doing?" he asked.
"His mom wants me to go down to Florida after Christmas to be with
them. I haven't talked to my parents about it yet."
"Kevin, do you know what you're doing?"
I felt a little queasy. That was the big question I'd been trying to
avoid asking myself. I had managed to forget that it was unusual, that
there was anything that needed to be thought about.
"I know I'm just taking it one day at a time, Matthew," I said.
"I don't want you to get hurt," he said, putting his hand over mine.
"I know. I'm trying to be smart with my emotions, but I can't dwell
on it. I just have to take it easy."
"What if he never changes? How long are you going to wait around to
see that nothing's happening?"
Hurt flooded through me. Matt knew me too well to be pushing buttons
like that. I don't think he knew or realized what he was saying. I stayed
quiet as I fished out my wallet.
"It's a risk. Always is, but I'm willing to take it," I said and got
up and walked over to the bar and paid the tab. I put on my coat and
walked outside. Matt followed me a couple of minutes later.
"I'm sorry," he said after a minute.
"For what, Matt?"
"For hurting you. I didn't realize..." he trailed off.
"I'm sorry for being so dramatic," I said. "You know what hurt? It
wasn't that you nipped it in the bud. That was probably smart. It was
that you didn't want to risk it. It made me feel like I wasn't worth it."
"I'd have risked anything for you, Kevin. It was never that you
weren't good enough, and you know that."
"What then?" I asked. I was making him go through the whole spiel
again and I hated it.
"It's that having a romance with you wasn't worth the possibility of
losing you. Neither one of us was in a position to make it work, and
that's never been the nature of our relationship."
"I'm sorry. I know that and you are right. Take me home, bud," I
said, handing him my car keys. He put his hand on the back of my neck and
looked into my eyes. I was immediately sorry I'd made a fuss about it. I
hated doing that. He slowly grinned at shoved me a little.
"What?" I asked.
"You're an ass."
"I know," I said.
"It's okay. I've known for a while."
"Thank God!" We were both smiling by this point.
We pulled into my parking lot and I searched around for his Trans Am.
"Hey, where's your car?"
A shit-eating grin plastered itself on his face and gave him away.
"You've been waiting all night for this, haven't you?" I asked.
"Uh huh."
"What'd you get?" I asked, trying hard not to smile.
"Come see," he said getting out and tossing me my keys. We walked
over to a shiny new silver Nissan Xterra. It was perfect. He opened the
doors and I slid in.
"You do this?" I asked.
"No. Mom and Bill's congrats for Germany."
"Oh right, so you can leave it in mothballs for a year."
He grinned. "Yeah, I don't think they thought about that part."
"She's gorgeous, dude," I said, clapping him on the shoulder.
"You like it, huh?"
"Oh yeah. Let me take her for a spin?"
"When you're sober?" he asked, teasing me.
"Of course."
"Of course," he echoed.
"Oh!" I said, "That reminds me. Can you take me and Christi to the
airport on Tuesday morning?"
"Going to Boston?" he asked.
"Nope. Just leaving at the same time."
"Sure, be glad to."
"You're the best," I said.
"I know," he grinned smugly, making me laugh.
"Night, bud," I said.
"Enjoyed it. A lot," he said.
"Me too. Let's do something after Christmas," I said.
"Assuming you're not in Florida, sure," he said, knowing look and grin
firmly in place. "Call me tomorrow and remind me about Tuesday."
"Great. Night."
"Night, Kev."
-----------------------------
When I woke up Monday morning, Clint was already up and at 'em,
grabbing things from around the house.
"Top 'o the morning to ya," he said, when he spotted me.
"Hey," was the most I could manage. I grabbed a glass from the
cabinet and poured myself some orange juice. Coffee and I didn't mix well
in general, much less in the mornings. As such, there was nothing like a
little citrus to get my brain moving.
I followed Clint back to his room and sat down on the bed next to his
suitcase.
"What time is your flight again?" I asked, desperately trying to clear
the cobwebs from my consciousness.
"Two o'clock," he said, folding a shirt and cramming it into his
already full suitcase.
"How early do you want to be there?"
"I figured we could leave here at a quarter to one in case there's any
traffic."
"If there is, we'll be cutting it kind of close, don't you think?" I
asked. Sure, it shouldn't be bad, but it was a Monday, and the one before
Christmas and around lunch time, to top it off. It had potential to be
slow.
"Maybe so. Twelve thirty?"
"Cool."
That gave me a few hours yet. For whatever reason, I was nervous for
Clint. Either that or the OJ wasn't settling too well. I was betting on
the former. At least I wasn't goin to be sitting around our apartment
alone. Of course, if Martina had it her way, I'd be lounging in
Ft. Lauderdale with the rest of them. I wanted to go rather badly, but I
felt so selfish for even seriously considering it. And yet...
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
"Nothing. Just waking up." I rubbed my eyes and ruffled my hair.
"I'm gonna go shower."
"Kay," he said. "Hey! Have you seen that American Eagle bag
anywhere?" he asked.
I turned around in the doorway fingering the waistband on my boxers.
"The last place I remember seeing it was in the hall closet next to
the hot water heater."
"Hall closet. That's right! Thanks."
"Sure," I called from the bathroom before I shut the door. I hadn't
planned for that day at all. Everything had revolved around holiday
activities with so little thought about what it was all for. Christmas had
always been my favorite holiday. It was the perfect time to take stock of
the previous year and think about what's really important. Christmas was
about people, and one of my most important people was about to leave and I
hadn't prepared. Sure, his gift was in the closet ready for him, but I
hadn't had time to appreciate or assimilate everything that had happened
over the previous several months. Usually I had Christmas cards for all my
closest friends telling them the things you get away with at Christmas
because cheesy is just part of it. This year they were all still blank and
accumulating dust on my desk. I thought about trying to write one for
Clint before we left, but the more I tried to visualize what it would say,
the less I wanted to rush the process. Choosing my words carefully was my
trademark, and I had too much to say to mess it all up with a rush job,
even if the words were few. I'd just have to mail it.
As I got dressed I ran through a dozen potential scenarios in my head
for how to say goodbye and still let him know that he meant a lot to me. I
was like some stupid computer running simulations. In the end, I decided
to live in the moment and just go with my feelings.
I finished getting ready and glanced at my alarm clock. Still one
hour left to go. I couldn't' decide what to do with myself. I popped a
Christmas music compilation CD I had picked up and decided to try to relax
a little and get a grip on emotions that were welling up inside me. Every
son g made me smile as I thought of home, of being with my parents and
sister, but nothing quite got rid of that little something that bit at my
throat. Maybe over Christmas I could talk to my sister, Cindy, and sort
through it all. She was always such a good listener with a keen intuition.
Maybe I could find my legs to stand on again.
Clint's cologne tickled my nose and I turned around to see him in a
black turtleneck and jeans.
"Knock, knock," he said as he leaned against the door frame.
"C'mon in," I said. He did and sat neatly on the corner of my bed.
"Got it all packed?" I asked.
"Yup. Just barely. I couldn't' decide what to pack. It's the first
time we've actually spent Christmas in Florida. I have no clue how hot or
cold it gets."
"Well, there are always stores there if you really don't have
something you need," I said and smiled.
"Yeah, I guess it's not like I'm going to some third world country.
What's up with you?" he asked.
"Nothing. Just kind of taking a minute. I haven't really thought
about Christmas at all and it's like three days away. I feel sort of
unprepared."
"You prepare for Christmas?!"
"You know what I mean. I gear up for it, think about things, about
people. I haven't done any of that this year."
"Yeah," he said, "it's been crazy busy since before Thanksgiving. We
haven't really had much of a chance to talk in a while."
"I know." Some other day I would have probably tried to make it
easier on him by offering some explanation about how we were both busy --
something he could just agree with. As I sat there looking at him that
afternoon, though, I just wanted to see what he had to say. I wanted his
unprompted thoughts.
"Anyway," he continued, "I guess...I don't know." He looked down at
his knees.
"What?" I asked.
"I just... Thanks. For everything."
"Clint," I said, "it's not like you held a gun to my head or anything.
I help out when I can because I want to."
"I know. That's what I'm thankful for. I see the way you do little
things. It's not so much the huge things; it's more how you act in the
little situations."
"That's what friends are for, right? To be there when it counts and
not just out of a sense of obligation."
"Yeah. You take the friendship thing seriously, don't you?"
I grinned. "You could say that."
He reached into the coat he had lain on my bed and fished out a box,
neatly wrapped in silver paper. I felt my face flushing in spite of
myself.
"Look, I just wanted to get you something. I don't know if it's you
or not."
I took it from his outstretched hand and just looked at the box. I
didn't know whether to unwrap it in front of him then or not.
"C'mon, open it," he said, smiling. I could see the twinkle of
anticipation in his eyes. I couldn't help but smile back. I decided that
if I was going to unwrap a gift, I wasn't going to be the only one. I got
up and slid open the closet door and reached in to where I knew the little
box was wrapped in metallic blue and handed it to him.
The Christmas bonus had been nice that year and I hadn't been able to
pass up his gift when I had seen it walking through campus one day. I
watched his expression and the smile curl his lips.
"You first," he said. I grinned and rolled my eyes before unwrapping
the box. Inside was a sweet-looking Seiko watch. I hadn't ever seen this
particular one before. It was a titanium band and consequently very light.
"It's one of those kinetic powered deals," he said.
"Dude! It's awesome. I've been wanting one forever."
"Glad you like."
"Yup. Perfect. Anyway, your turn."
He looked down at the box and managed to remove all the paper in one
swift motion. I was impressed. From the plain white box he removed a
velvet covered black box. He quickly cut his eyes to mine...the typical
'what-did-you-get-me' look. He opened it and pulled out the solid gold
class ring.
"Kev -- dude! These things cost a mint!"
"See if it fits," I said.
He slid it on, and as luck would have it, it was perfect.
"What'd you steal a ring to size it with?" he asked.
"Nah, just measured one."
"I can't believe you got this."
"Well, it seemed appropriate for a graduation slash Christmas
present."
He stood up and pulled me into a firm hug. He smelled intoxicatingly
good and felt so warm against me. He let me go and we locked eyes. I
wanted so badly to kiss him, but I just couldn't make myself. Clint's hand
had never left my side.
"I'm glad you didn't move out," he said.
"Me too."
He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "Ready to go?" he asked.
"Yeah." My heart was pounding and I wanted the moment to last so
much.
It seemed like we were forever jumping from one fleeting moment to
another. At least that's how it felt to me. For a split second my heart
would open and then the void left after it was over would leave me aching
and empty, like some gaping hole in my soul. The thing of it was that the
more I knew Clint, and each progressive time that happened, the more
convinced I became that he was the exact shape that fit that void. The
more convinced I became, the more each moment was like the last breath I'd
ever breathe. I didn't want to miss any detail, any nuance. If for the
rest of my life nobody ever filled that gap, then I wanted to remember what
it had felt like. Throughout my life I knew how to store the important
moments away in my memory so that I could think about them in the future.
This one was no exception.
Clint must have seen a change in the expression on my face, and he
paused when he did.
"Whatcha thinking about?" he asked.
I shook my head and gave him a half grin. "Nothing. C'mon, we'd
better get out of here or you'll be late."
"Kay. Let me grab my stuff."
"Need a hand?" I asked.
"Since you're offering..."
I smiled and followed him back into his room. He had a large
suitcase, a gym bag, and one of those pilot bag things, with the obligatory
back-pack. I grabbed as much as I could carry and Clint picked up the
rest. Between the two of us, we only needed one trip.
Traffic was about what I had expected for a Monday -- busy. I was
glad we'd given ourselves enough time. I knew Clint had connections in
Atlanta, so I wanted him to have every chance of making our leg of the trip
on time. It wasn't that there was so much traffic all over, but there were
just areas one could get stuck in for any quantity of time. As luck would
have it, we never had the horrible stop-and-go stuff that can sometimes
accompany a lunch-hour-ish drive across town.
We found surprisingly good parking in the airport, which meant that we
didn't have far to walk. Once we were inside, I helped Clint get all his
gear up to the counter so he could check in. Everything went perfectly
smoothly. No delays, no unusual questions, no forgotten tickets. Of
course, it wasn't like he was flying across the world. Different culture
notwithstanding, New England wasn't another country.
"That's the sucky thing about airports now," he said after we'd left
the check-in counter.
"What's that?"
"Well, you get here early **in case* anything happens. If anything
does, you're glad you had a little time to play with. But, if everything
is slick, then you have time to kill and it's not like your friends can go
sit with you at the gate anymore."
I laughed. "Yeah, I know what you mean," I said. "Look, we'll just
sit over in the waiting area for a while. It's not like I've got to be
home in half an hour or anything."
"No hot date tonight?" he asked smiling.
"Actually, no," I said, and we both laughed. "I'm having dinner with
Christi, and then Matt's taking us to the airport in the morning. So,
other than packing and eating, I'm good to go."
"Oh cool. Tell Chris I said hello."
"I will," I said. "Oh! I almost forgot. When are you flying back
in?"
"Duh! I guess that would have been good information to give you.
Hold up, I think I have my itinerary in here somewhere."
He fished through his backpack and leafed through some papers before
finally producing the one he was looking for.
"I get back at nine o'clock on Tuesday the seventh."
"Can you call and remind me?" I asked. "I'm never going to remember
that."
"Sure," Clint smiled as he put the paper back in its place. "Hey, why
don't you go on home. I'll be fine here. I can always buy a paper or
something."
"Should have grabbed a book from home, dude. It's not like we don't
have any."
"Yeah, yeah. Go on."
I smiled back at him. "Have a great time, bro. Get some rest, chill
with the fam, think about anything but here."
"Sounds awesome. Merry Christmas, Kev."
"Merry Christmas, Clint. Tell your family 'hey' for me.""
"Will do. You do the same."
"All right. See you on the ninth, then," I said as I pulled my car
keys out of my pocket. I always did that when I needed something to do
with my hands, and always felt stupid when I walked **all* the way through
the parking lot with them out.
"The seventh," he said.
"Whenever."
"C'mere," he said and pulled me into a tight hug. I immediately
thought about the people around us before I decided they could all go screw
themselves and hugged him back. I hugged him like I meant it, and of
course, I did. I clapped him on the side lightly before he let me go.
I grinned, I imagine, like I had just found a piece of my favorite
candy. "Have a safe flight," I said.
"You too. I'll call you tomorrow night."
"Sweet. Later," I said.
"Bye."
-----------------------------
Over the course of the weekend I didn't have as much free time as even
my most conservative estimates had allowed, so Christi and I ended up
having to settle for a quick dinner before she flew out again for Boston
and before I left for home.
I picked her up at her hotel early that evening and we quickly decided
on our old fall- back: Little Tokyo - the most authentic Japanese in town.
The hostess sat us immediately and handed us the sushi cards and menus. We
quietly sat, filling out our cards. I didn't know how to break the ice
that seemed to have formed or exactly what I wanted to discuss.
"Okay, this is stupid," she finally said. "Who goes first?"
"After you," I said. "Tell me about Boston, what have you been doing?
Or better yet, who?"
"Wouldn't you like to know." She winked at me as the waitress
returned and took our orders.
"Boston's fine. It's cold, like I said, and it's big."
"Tell me you're not complaining."
"About the cold? Yes. I love being back in a city, though," she said.
"That's my girl. At least you went ahead and got out of here."
"I'm sure you're turn is coming. Besides, you're the one who took a
job here."
"Comfort of the familiar?"
She smiled. "And as for who..." My eyes snapped up. "His name is
Matthew."
"Matthew. Okay. What's he like?"
"He's great, of course. He's very sweet and knows just how to talk to
me. He reminds me a lot of you, actually."
"Really?" I asked. "That's kinda weird. Kind of cool, but kind of
weird."
"Yes. We met through some friends in New York. I had gone up to see
a show and he was in the group of people I went with."
"Cute?"
"Precious," she beamed. I had never heard her call a guy precious and
I couldn't decide what that meant in terms of his looks. **I*, for one,
wouldn't ever choose 'precious' as my descriptive word of choice for
myself. I doubted Matthew would either.
"How long have you been together?" I asked.
"A month."
I did the math. "Wow, that was fast."
"Yeah, it happened all of a sudden," she said.
"Guess so. So you like him?"
"A lot. I mean, as much as you can like someone in a month."
"So should I expect a ring in your near future?" I teased.
"Fortunately in Boston time tables slow down on the marriage front."
"So he's from Boston?" I asked.
"No, he's from Orlando, too."
"Seriously? That's bizarre. Did you know him?"
"No. We went to different schools. His parents live on the opposite
side of town from mine."
"Speaking of marriages, though," I changed the subject back, "Did you
know Darren is getting married next month?" 'D' as we called him, and I
had grown up together with Ryan and Keith.
"Seriously? That's insane. Who's he marrying?" she asked.
"Elizabeth."
"Our Elizabeth? How long have they been dating?"
"A couple of years," I said.
"Crazy. How about this? I found out on Friday night that two of my
girlfriends are getting married this summer."
"What's with people?" I asked, grinning.
"I don't know. I think it's in the water, though. You should get a
filter. I'm surprised **you're* not already hitched."
I laughed. "Nah, couldn't get over you," I said.
"Glad I'm heading back to Boston!"
"Which brings me to my next question: when are you coming to visit
again?" I asked.
"Definitely in the summer, if not sooner. I'll be here for Kim's
wedding. Carrie is getting married in Baton Rouge."
"We'll at least have to do dinner again."
"At least," she emphasized. The waitress brought our food and we made
fun of each other as we set up our sushi. Each of us had our own special
recipe for mixing the soy sauce, wassabi and whatever other 'secret'
ingredient we thought made our version better than anybody else's. I
always passed on the wassabi and specially orderd my sushi without it.
"Still don't eat the green stuff?" Chris asked.
"Nope. Horseradish and me don't mix too well," I said, grinning.
"Glad to know **some* things never change."
"Here's to that," I said as we toasted with our water glasses.
We finished our dinner and, despite the cold, decided to visit another
of our old haunts - the Marble Slab Creamery. It was fairly close by and,
luckily, they had indoor seating. We picked our cones and flavors and ate
as slowly as our frozen tongues would allow.
"So really, Kev. What's the love life situation?" Christi finally
asked. She had let me sidestep the issue at dinner, but evidently thought
I might have missed her subtle question, so she decided to be more
straightforward. She also knew my reactions terribly well, and the longer
I delayed, the more explaining I was going to have to do. I just hadn't
told Chris anything about me liking guys, much less her ex-boyfriend.
"Guess I'm going to get more of an answer than I bargained for," she
said, noting my hesitant silence.
"Well, that all depends."
"On what?" she asked.
"On how much detail you want to get into."
"You're so mysterious, Kevin. Okay, cut the smoke and tell me what's
up."
"You're sure?"
"Good grief. Yes, positive."
"In a nutshell, it's non-existent."
"It took you that long to tell me there's nothing going on?!
Whatever," she said, brushing me aside, "I'm not buying. Who is she?"
I laughed. "Well, see, that's just it."
Her face suddenly grew serious. "What is?" she asked.
"Okay. Well, if I'm going to be completely honest, it isn't a she."
"Oh phew! I thought you were going to say you were really still in
love with me! I had laughed about it at dinner and I never thought you
could really be serious." She was stalling. I knew her pretty well, too.
"What do you mean it's not a she?" she finally ended her rambling.
"I like guys, Chris. I thought you might have figured that out
already."
"What do you mean? You can't be gay. What about us?" she asked,
pointing from me to her and back several times.
"When I was in love with you, it was all the way: mind, body and
soul."
"So see, you aren't gay. You were in love with a girl."
I smiled. "Don't look at it so black and white," I started to say.
"Here we go with the analogies," she grinned, "I must be acting daft."
"Shut up. You know you want to hear it."
"That's the sick part. I actually do. Go ahead."
"I look at sexuality as a spectrum. On one end you have completely
straight and on the other completely gay. Everything else is just
somewhere along the spectrum...shades and variations. You follow?"
"So far..." she said.
"Okay. I think **very* few people are actually at one of the poles.
Most people tend to gravitate toward one or the other, but I'd say most of
us float a little throughout our lives."
She thought about this for a moment; I could see the wheels turning.
"I mean, tell me honestly you've never even wondered what it would
feel like to be with a girl. Not if you would or wouldn't do it, but tell
me you've never even entertained the thought."
"Okay, I agree," she said. "So where are you on the line, then?"
"I'd say I fluctuate somewhat. I'm close to the middle, but I lean a
little toward guys."
She nodded and I guessed she was just trying to let it all sink in.
Most people think back and filter through everything they know about the
person and try to connect the dots.
"Just think about it," I said. "I don't expect you to be perfect with
it and I don't expect you to understand overnight."
"Kevin, here's the point," she said. "Sure it's new and I Jus need to
process it, but I can tell you a couple of things now.
"First, I love you. You are one of the most spectacular humans I
know, and that includes every bit of you. Secondly, I want you to be
happy. If being with a guy makes you happy, then you being with a guy
makes me happy. Just let me get used to the idea."
I smiled. "Thanks. That went better than I ever could have hoped."
She leaned over and kissed me. When she pulled back she left her hand
on my cheek and just tried to read everything in my eyes. In days past we
had been able to read each other so well we wondered if we couldn't
actually read each other's minds.
"You should have told me sooner," she finally said.
"Everybody says that."
"Everybody?!" she asked. "How many people have you told?"
I blushed. "Not that many." She giggled and ruffled my hair.
"Okay, your turn," I said.
"Oh Lord. I thought I just had a turn."
"What? C'mon, fair is fair," I said.
"What do you want to know?"
"You and Clint, the end, start talking."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"If I did the math right and you've been dating Matthew right at a
month, then you pretty much started seeing him..."
"Two weeks after I got there," she finished for me.
"Right. So what's the deal with Clint? He seemed a lot more broken
up about it than that, and I never really got him to talk about it," I
said.
"Why wouldn't he talk about it?"
"I don't know. I mean, you heard what happened when we at the beach."
"You mean him getting sliced up on the rock thing?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with it?"
"Have I not told you that whole story?" I asked.
"No, I don't think we've actually ever really talked about it. What
happened?"
"He and I were sort of arguing."
"About what?!" she asked.
"You," I said. "I just couldn't understand how you were both just
leaving it. You're both incredible people. Plus, he said you weren't
having problems. I was just majorly confused. Hell, I'm still confused."
"We weren't having problems, exactly."
"What then?" I asked.
"I don't know how to describe it, really. It just felt like we were
just going through the motions after a while."
"All the time?"
"No, not **all* the time," she said. "But even emotionally, we didn't
really establish a big connection. It felt like we were just doing what we
thought we were supposed to do. It was more an, 'okay, we're dating; we
know the drill' kind of thing. He's charming and great, don't get me
wrong, but I just didn't feel it."
"I guess I was just totally on another planet. He was upset when he
came down to Destin that weekend." Destin was the city in Florida that
housed Elizabeth's condo.
"I'm not saying we didn't get attached at all or didn't feel for each
other. We just weren't made for the long haul," she said. "When I applied
to Boston, I didn't tell anybody, and I knew what I'd be leaving behind.
My relationship with Clint was one of those things."
"Wow," was all I could say.
I got up and ordered us a couple of soft drinks and brought them back.
I giggled as I sat down.
"What's funny?" Christi asked.
"Oh nothing. Just wondering how much the staff overheard."
"Oh gosh!" she said, grinning. "I can only imagine."
"Hey, at least we gave them something to talk about."
We kept the conversation on the light side for both our benefits. I
think we'd had enough big revelations for one night.
"He thinks you're awesome, you know?" she said.
"Who's that?" I asked, looking around at the ice cream guys. Christi
laughed.
"Clint. When you first started rooming together he'd always talk
about how cool or smart you were and how he could just tell you were going
to be best friends."
I smiled. "We have gotten pretty close, I guess," I said.
"See, he was different with you. He'd brighten up. You bring out
something else in him."
"That's high praise about anyone."
"Anyway babe, I think they're trying to close and we both have flights
in the morning."
I looked around and half the lights were off and the floor was being
mopped. We muttered an embarrassed apology and got in the car.
"I do love you, Kev," she said before hugging me tight once I'd pulled
into her hotel parking lot.
"We have to keep in touch better," I said. "I miss you too much."
"Definitely."
"Moose and I will pick you up in the morning," I said.
"I'll see you then."
"Night, Princess."
"Good night." -----------------------------
I fished out the cell phone as I was driving and punched in Matt's
number.
"Two days in a row. We're going for a record," he said when he picked
up.
"Yeah, well, don't get used to it, carrot-head."
"Don't worry, I won't," he said, and I could hear the smile in his
voice.
"You still gonna be able to pick us up in the morning?" I asked.
"You'd be kinda screwed if not, huh?"
"Wouldn't' be the first time," I said, grinning.
"Whore."
"Asshole."
"Yeah, I'll be there. What time do I need to pick you up?"
"Well, Chris' flight is at ten and mine's at eleven, so pick me up at
8:30 and we'll get Chris and then head on out.
"8:30?! Jesus!" he said.
"Oh please. Just because you're out of school for two weeks."
"You know I'm allergic to early mornings."
I laughed. "Quit your bitching or I'll get anal and want to be there
extra early."
"Extra early, my ass! Anyway, that's cool. You packed yet?"
"Mostly. Just have to do the last minute stuff that..."
"Takes forever," Matt interrupted. "Yeah, I know. Where are you
now?"
"Driving home. Just dropped Christi off after supper," I said.
"Cool. How is she?"
"She's fine. She's pretty serious about some guy up in Boston, I
think."
"He's a yankee?" he asked, disgust touching his voice. Old habits die
hard, I guess. I decided not to point out that Clint was also a yankee.
"Nah. He's from Florida. He's just working up there."
"Get out!" he said. "So how long they been datin'?"
"Almost since she got there, so like a month or so."
"Crazy. Anyway, I'll get the scoop in the morning. Get packed and
get some sleep. Oh, and Kev?"
"Yeah?"
"Pack some stuff for warmer weather too, just in case."
"Night bud."
"Night."
-----------------------------
Waking up the next morning felt like I was trying to come out of a
coma. I **always* underestimate how long it's going to take me to pack.
So, needless to say, I'd been burning the midnight oil and hadn't gotten to
bed until too late. I had decided to get all the packing done and not
leave any to the last minute like I usually did.
Christi called me not two minutes after I'd gotten out of bed to make
sure I was awake. I told her what time we were picking her up as I rubbed
the sleep from my eyes. I then called Matt and woke him up.
"Hello?" was what he said, and I knew this only because I'd been
around him long enough to know what that sleepy mumble meant.
"Wake up. Go shower. C'mon over. I'll make coffee or something for
you."
"Mmm Hmmm."
"See ya in a few," I said.
"Mmmm Hmmm."
I laughed as I hung up and reluctantly sat up and abandoned the
comfortable warmth of my bed. A shower and shave later, and I felt almost
human. I finished getting dressed, grabbed a bowl of cereal, gathered my
bags and still had enough time to make coffee and look nervously at the
parking lot and my watch. Before I had time to get wigged out, I grabbed
the cell phone and dialed Matt up.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm on my way," he said as he answered.
I laughed. "Just making sure you didn't have an accident or
something."
"No. Just couldn't get out of bed. I'm almost there."
"Cool," I said. "I'll see you downstairs."
Matt pulled into the parking lot as I was dragging my suitcase along.
"See, perfect timing!" he said, grinning as he popped my bags into the
back of the truck.
"Sure. Whatever you say," I said and handed him his coffee.
"You're the best. So where is Christi staying?" Matt asked as we got
in.
"She's over at the Holiday Inn Express."
"Christi Benchman?! At the Holiday Inn?!"
I giggled. "Guess she was on a tighter budget this year. Who knows."
"Heh. Yeah, well, I'm 'bout to find out."
The Holiday Inn was, fortunately, only about five minutes from my
apartment, so we pulled into the entrance a few minutes later. I jumped
out to help Chris with her bags. Thankfully, she had packed light, so we
were loaded and on our way a couple moments later.
"So Chris," Matt said.
"G'morning, Moose. How are you?"
"Huh? Oh, good. How about you?"
"Just fine. Thanks for picking us up this morning," she said.
"Oh sure," Matt said. "How're ya liking Boston?"
"It's cold but okay."
"Cool. So what gives?"
"Excuse me?" she said.
"You know, the Holiday Inn..."
"And just what is wrong with the Holiday Inn?"
Matt chuckled. "Oh nothing. Guess the rent's a little steeper in
Bos-tohn."
"Oh shut up. Everything else was full," she said. Matt and I both
laughed while Chris smacked us both.
We laughed and teased each other all the way to the airport. It
reminded me of the days when we used to all hang out in little Mexican
restaurants studying psychology over pitchers of Bud Light and relentless
bantering. It's a wonder we ever stayed awake. We'd go in cycles.
'Studying' every night at El Ranchero for about a month at which point we'd
swear it all off in favor of sleep and less cash drain until the next round
of tests. How many times had we started and quit smoking in that little
restaurant. I swear the strip joints in town saw less action than the same
little joint that fed us a couple dozen tons of chips and salsa. I
couldn't help but laugh as I remembered how many times we'd sat there, on
eye on the door for the random cop that might come in.
"Whatcha thinking about?" Matt asked. I could always count on him to
read my moods.
"El Ranchero. Just remembering." I said.
"Seriously!" Chris said. "We kept them in business."
"No doubt," Matt agreed. "Shit, I can't even remember all the stuff
that went down there."
"Yeah, me either," I said and we all laughed.
"Did you guys ever drive by during the day?" Chris asked.
"I think I did a couple of times," I said. "Didn't really recognize
it."
"It was a total dump. Looked like a shithole in daylight," said Matt.
"I don't know how it never got shut down," said Chris.
"Me either. Not that we ever really noticed," I added.
"Except for the rat," said Matt. "Were y'all there that night?"
"Ooh yeah," I said. We shook our heads and laughed. The stupid rat
had to have been a foot long, not counting the tail. We had been sitting
outside toward the end of summer. We had all stared dumbfounded as it
rooted around in the flower bed looking for only God knows what. I don't
think any of us breathed a word about it except to the occasional newcomer
that pissed us off or was otherwise interested.
"Those were the days," I said.
"Not really," said Chris.
I laughed. "Yeah, seriously. Too poor to afford food **and* beer,
and too young to drink."
"And yet, which one did we end up with every time?" Matt asked.
"The damn pitcher! We got the chips for free," said Chris.
"Damn straight," said Matt as we pulled up to the curbside checkins
which were, of course, vacant.
Matt hopped out and helped unload the bags. Chris kissed him on the
cheek and went on inside with her suitcase.
"Thanks for the lift, bud," I said.
"Sure. Sorry I was late."
I couldn't help but smile. "All's well that ends well, right?"
"That's it!" he said. "Listen, have a great Christmas."
"You too. Love you, man."
"You too," he said and we hugged before I grabbed my bags and walked
toward the terminal.
"Hey Kev," Matt called after me.
"Yeah," I said.
"Gimme a call when you get back from Florida."
I just smiled and winked at him before turning around and rushing to
meet up with Chris, who had informed me earlier that we were on the same
airline. She had saved me a spot in the line and she was only second from
the counter, so I wanted to make sure I got to her before she was at the
front.
"It's about time," she said as I scooted in next to her, much to the
annoyance of the other people waiting in line. I just ignored them.
"Oh please. Like you were here more than a minute in front of me."
"No, just that people started coming in right behind me."
"Well, thanks for your patience."
She clapped me on the back. "Sure thing, buck-o."
After we got our boarding passes, we walked back and went through the
security check. I ran through a checklist in my head of things I had
packed in my carry-on luggage to make sure I hadn't included anything that
might be perceived as dangerous. I couldn't' come up with anything, so I
just shrugged and put my bag through the x-ray machine. Everything went
through without a hitch for both of us.
I walked Chris to her gate since I had a little over an hour to kill
before my flight. She, on the other hand, only had about fifteen minutes
before boarding, by my estimations. People were already getting in line.
"Okay eager beavers," she said, eyebrow cocked.
I laughed. "You'd think they didn't have assigned seats."
"This **ain't* Southwest, people," she said, and it sounded so comical
coming from her.
"Not that there's anything wrong with Southwest, of course."
"Of course," she echoed and winked at me.
"So, I have to wait until this summer before I get to see you again,
huh?"
"It's looking that way, unless I suddenly become independently
wealthy."
"I won't hold my breath," I said, grinning.
"Good thing, too. Especially since you have the lung capacity of a
cockroach."
"What?! Do cockroaches even have lungs?" I laughed.
"I dunno. Anyway, Merry Christmas, handsome."
"Merry Christmas to you too, babe," I said and gave her a big hug and
a quick peck.
"Call me when you get back," she said.
"Sure thing. Bye, beautiful."
"Bye."
Chris always had one of the most ravishing smiles. She was just
always so perfect. Hair always in place, eyes just so. It was one of the
reasons she was so unique. Christi was a flower that you never really got
tired of smelling or looking at.
I walked down to my gate and settled down into my seat. Judging from
the crowd at the gate, the flight was going to be packed. Of course, that
was to be expected the day before Christmas Eve. I pulled out my Discman
and a book. One of my biggest pet peeves is a chatty fellow passenger that
is full of uninteresting conversation and doesn't know how to take a hint.
Oh sure, there were plenty of genuinely cool people to talk to, but that
day I wasn't much in the mood to risk it. The company of my own thoughts
was just going to have to do.
I finally had a moment to myself to think about everything that had
gone on the past few weeks. It felt like too much had been going on
emotionally for the time that had actually elapsed. What I most wanted was
a couple of days to decompress, unplug and just let myself unwind. As soon
as the door closed on the plane, my eyes shut and I didn't wake up until
the landing gear touched the runway pavement a few hours later.
-----------------------------
My sister, Cindy, was waiting for me when I got down to the baggage
claim. She had highlighted her long brown hair, and she had it pulled back
in a twist and clipped to the back of her head. She ran up and greeted me
with a warm hug.
"Hey Bubba!"
"You look great!"
"Thanks. You like the hair?" She undid the clip and shook it out.
It looked very professional and made her look older than she really was.
Her silky tresses had been the same brown as mine the last time I saw her.
"Looks good. Did you come by yourself?"
"Yeah," she said. "Mom's shopping for tomorrow and Dad's wrapping his
presents."
"Ooh. I need to do that."
"You'll never learn, will you?"
"And ruin your fun? Never."
"Dork," she said and smiled. Her eyes were a deep blue to my green
ones. In all other respects we were as good as twins.
"I can't believe Mom waited until now to finish up her shopping.
She's usually way done before now."
"No, dumb butt. She's just getting groceries that she needs for
Christmas dinner and she didn't think there'd be too many people at the
store right now."
"Heh. Oh right."
"So, how've you been?" she asked once we had loaded up the car and
were on the interstate headed home.
"Just busy. I've been goin really hard lately."
"Doing what?"
"Working, traveling, Clint's graduation...I'm just ready to relax a
couple of days and not have to think about anything."
"I know what you mean. I'm just glad school's out."
"I'm sure. How'd you do this semester?" I asked.
"Okay. Had better; had worse."
"Did you already take your SATs?" I asked.
"Kev, hello?"
"What?"
"It's almost Christmas," she said. "College applications are in. All
we have to do now is wait." Open mouth, insert foot. It was my specialty.
"Oh Kevin, you do need to relax. Well, just chill. We have a lot of
catching up to do."
"It's nice to be home," I said and smiled.
"Nice to have you home."
-----------------------------
Midnight on Christmas Eve found me getting into bed, stomach full and
decently happy. Christmas gifts lined my room. As I lay down, though, my
thoughts began taking shape and picking up speed. I sat back up and walked
over to the window in my room. A very light snow had begun to fall, quiet
and unannounced. I leaned closer to the window and puffed out a breath of
warm air, making the glass fog up. I watched as it slowly receded back
until it was the transparent perfection it had been before. I felt much
more at ease. I had finally relaxed muscles I had even forgotten were
tense. With peace of body came much peace of mind, for me, but that night,
as I watched everything being dusted with white, my thoughts turned to
Clint. I hadn't thought too much of him the past two days, and then I
wondered suddenly what he was doing, who he was with, what he had done. I
realized that we had been together for most of one another's big events
over the past several months, and I missed his company. I gave into the
whim and fetched my cell phone and punched in the number to his cell phone.
Thank God neither of us had roaming charges. His phone rang and rang, and
I had just resigned myself to leaving a message when Clint picked up.
"Hey bro!" he said groggily.
"You weren't already asleep, were you?" I asked, chiding myself for
not remembering to calculate the time difference before I called. It was
three in the morning there.
"Sort of," he said.
"My bad, dude. I forgot about the time difference."
"No big. I'm glad you called. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you, too. How are you doing? Other than sleepy,
that is."
"Pretty good," he said and laughed. "How about you? How's the fam?"
"I'm good, they're fine. We all just lovely."
He laughed again. "Cool."
"How about you? How's Florida?"
"It's okay. It's kinda warm, so that's a little weird, but it's cool.
We went down to Miami yesterday and today."
"Not much to do in Lauderdale?" I asked. My parents had lived there
for ten years before I was born, and I didn't' remember them talking about
a shortage of things to do.
"No, it's not that. Dan just found some places down there, so we
went."
"Sweet. You'll have to fill me in when we get home."
"Definitely."
"I'll let you get back to sleep," I said. "I was just calling to say
hey and Merry Christmas."
"Thanks. Be careful, okay?"
"I will. You too. And tell everybody I said hello."
"Will do. Night, Kev."
"Night."
I had just hung up when I heard my door quietly open. Cindy walked in
wearing pajama pants, a coat, sweatshirt and a very mischievous smile.
"Don't let that canary you ate give you indigestion," I said.
She giggled. "I was hoping you were still up."
"I take it Mom and Dad aren't."
"Nope."
"You gonna clue me in or do I have to guess?"
She pulled outthe keys to Dad's Grand Cherokee and dangled them in
front of me. "Wanna go for a little ride?"
"Now?!"
"Yeah. You know, look at some lights, watch the snow, talk."
I grabbed my coat and smiled back at her. "We'd better be quiet."
"As a mouse," she said, pulling an imaginary zipper across her lips.
We snuck down to the garage and Cindy tossed me the keys. We got in
the car and pulled the doors closed as quietly as we could. The house was
on a hill, so I just put the car in neutral, and with a little help, we
rolled down out of earshot before I cranked the engine. All the cloak and
dagger wasn't really necessary, but we both new Mom, and Mom would worry if
she knew we weren't there.
"Where to, shorty?" I asked.
"Let's go to the neighborhood where Johnny Norris used to live. I
heard they have great lights around there this year."
I managed to get there drawing from memories and using Cindy to
supplement. Johnny hadn't been a close friend. I could count on one hand
the number of times I had been to his house, and still have some fingers
left over.
I slowed down as we got closer. Cindy had been right. The houses
were decked out in beautiful decorations and lights. It was a little
ritzier neighborhood, so the plastic Santa's and snowmen were nowhere to be
found. The white lights looked so pristine against the white of the fresh
snow and the green of the scattered holly bushes. It was postcard
material.
"We should have brought a camera," I said as we drove along.
"Did you forget about the last time we tired to do that?"
I laughed and blushed as I remembered our first Christmas after we had
moved back from Argentina. Christmas being in the summer and not being
exposed to snow, I had no idea hot to take, or **not* take a picture in the
snow. I had managed to capture some beautiful scenes, but they were all
dotted with large white spots, since I hadn't bothered to take the picture
from under the shelter of an umbrella.
"Yeah, yeah. Like you knew any better."
"I was thirteen!"
"Minor details." We both laughed as we remembered how initially
excited and subsequently disappointed we had been when we got the film
developed.
"Good times," she said.
"Yup. I still miss the Christmases when we were little."
"We would always get to swim that afternoon."
"And poor Mom would melt in the kitchen, trying to cook all that
stuff."
"All right for her keeping tradition alive," said Cindy.
"No kidding. Remember that all four of us used to have to sleep
together in the living room because that was the only air conditioner in
the house?"
"Oh my gosh! Yeah, and it would always blow and mess up the little
angel's hair on top of the tree."
I smiled. "I miss that. A lot."
"Me too. We need to go back," she said.
"Definitely."
"You okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, just sentimental. I miss talking with you in person."
"I know. Me too," she said. "So are you going to tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"Who it is you're in love with."
"Why would you think that?" I asked.
"Don't avoid me, Kevin McReardon. I know you better than that.
Jesus, give me some credit," she said, rolling her eyes at me.
"Seriously, I'm not pining after anybody."
"Splitting hairs, Kev. You know what I mean."
"Is it obvious?" I asked.
"Not at all. I'm sure Mom doesn't have a clue. She still asks me
about Christi."
"Oh God! Speaking of whom, I saw her the other day."
"And we'll talk all about it. Later."
"Dang. Down girl!"
She finally cracked a smile. She was always so dramatic.
"C'mon, Kev. I just noticed that every now and then you look off and
think."
"Like that's new."
"No, but you look more like you're remembering someone than thinking.
It's like you're missing somebody."
"I think you've been trying to read too much into things," I said.
"So there's nobody?" she asked.
"Sneaky bitch!" I said and smiled. Cindy was the only person I new
who was as manipulative as I was. Of course, we had learned from each
other. "That was smooth, though. I'll give you that."
"Thanks. I thought so."
"I dunno, sis. It's weird."
"See! Trying to make me feel stupid..."
I laughed. "Yeah, whatever."
"Who is it?"
"Clint," I said.
"As in, Clint, your roommate? The one you spent Thanksgiving with?
The one you've been like joined at the hip with?" I nodded. "Yeah, I
could see that," she said. "So he's gay?! Wow, he didn't seem like it at
all."
I didn't say anything.
"Oh you're kidding me."
I shook my head.
"Wow, that's um...yeah."
"I know," I said.
"Does he know?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah he know s you're gay or yeah he knows how you feel?" she asked.
"Both," I said.
"And?"
I told her about the big blowup we'd had ending with the kiss followed
by the normal seeming friendship.
"Oh geez. It's never simple, is it?"
"You know me," I said.
"I do. And I know how your mind works. I just don't want to see you
get your hopes up for nothing."
"I know, I know."
"What do you want?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she said and knitted her brow, "what are you trying to get
out of this? Where do you think this is going to go?"
I was quiet for a few blocks. "I guess I just want to see where it
goes. I want to be with Clint however that happens, be it friends or
whatever."
"Hmmm."
"What?" I asked.
"I think you're more attached than that."
"Maybe so. Sis, when we're together, I don't' know ...he just makes
me feel so good. Ya know?"
"Like buddies."
"Yeah, sort of. I've thought and overthought everything. He knows
how I feel and he's still how he is. I mean, he kissed me."
"Once," she said.
"Yeah, but he's different. He's warm."
"He cares."
"Exactly," I agreed.
"Kev, I don't doubt that, but I just can't help but wonder if that's
going to be enough. I'd hate for you to tie up your emotions and have him
be totally on a different page."
"I know, Cindy. I know I'm probably going to get hurt."
"So why not just move on?"
"I can't. I'll always wonder what would have happened and I'm not
going to wonder. Even if it kills me, sis, I'm trying to be as careful as
I can be, and I know he hasn't made any promises and there aren't any
guarantees."
"Yes, an it's important you remember that. Please just promise me
something."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Promise me you'll be honest with yourself, first of all. Listen to
your heart and go for it. If you fly, you fly, and if you fall, you'll
fall. Second, be honest with him. Don't play games trying to figure things
out. Go with your gut, have fun, but when the time comes, you take care of
yourself."
"I love you, Cindy," I said and smiled. We had made it back into our
garage with no discovery.
"I love you too, ya big dummy," she said and hugged me.
-----------------------------
Happy New Year to you all! I hope 2003 finds you all well. One more
chapter through for our characters and their journey. Big thanks goes out
to the other redheaded Matt in my life -- you're a trip!! And to Chris:
What can I say, bud? You're one in a billion. As always, I love feedback.
Be well and be safe!
Kevin
Farscape20@hotmail.com