Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2006 21:25:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Zare Scott <raspucin70@yahoo.com>
Subject: Rip Tide Chapter 10

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction.  It depicts a romance between
two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act
between two consenting adult males.  If you are not of legal age to read
this kind of story, please leave now.  If you reside in area where reading
stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males
are illegal, please leave now.  This story is for entertainment purposes
only.  Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a
coincidence.  The author retains all rights to this story.  It cannot be
reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author
(me).  Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com.
Copyright 2006


Rip Tide Chapter 10: The Moviegoers II


(Hayden's point of view)

I was crossing the campus park, looking for Matt We didn't specify at which
bench to meet, and I was cursing myself not being more careful about that.
Matt has not been around here long enough to know that there is actually
two parts of the campus park, divided by Physical Ed complex.  Luckily,
when I turned around the corner, I spotted him. He was engulfed in
conversation on his cell phone, walking back and forth as people usually do
when they are on the phone. On the bench next to him was my jacket, neatly
folded. I slowed down, approaching him. I didn't want to intrude in his
conversation, so I stayed on the other side of concrete slab where the
benches were located. He turned around and spotted me, stopping short in
the middle of the sentence. With the corner of his mouth he smiled at me
and his eyes went wide, like he was glad to see me. He immediately tried to
finish the conversation, but I signaled him that its all right and I have
plenty of time. This was my usual time after the Chem class when I go out
to get something to eat; today I grabbed a sandwich from cafeteria and
gulped it down on my way here, almost in a rush. As I was standing there, I
overheard him finishing his phone conversation.

"...Aha...love you too. Bye"

That simple sentence stung me like knife. So it is true - I was right about
him having a girlfriend. Matt finished his phone conversation and turned to
me, with a smile on his face. I tried my best to hide my disappointment.

" 'Sup, man." I greeted him.

"Hi Hayden...um, Nicky." he responded, still smiling.

I returned the smile. He looked different this morning. It was not just the
sun being too bright. He was looking more pale than usual.

"You look tired," I continued.

"Yeah...from the party last night." he sighed.

"It looks like you had good time."

He smiled again, but faintly. Something was not adding up in this picture.

"No, its not like that...the party was in my quad downstairs. I didn't go."
He looked away, like he was embarrassed with that statement.

"Oh. Not your crowd?" I looked at him.

"Not really...it was the wrestling team celebrating. I don't know anybody
there," he continued.

"Yeah, it can be boring if you are alone in a crowd." He glanced at me,
looking like he was surprised with my comment.

"My girlfriend thinks that I should go. She said that this is a chance for
me to experience all this 'college life style' and all the jazz," he
sparkled his answer with animation of quotation marks in the air. I almost
smiled at his sarcasm, but something clouded that sensation.

Girlfriend. There, he said it. Now I know for sure. The sinking feeling
that I had earlier just got worse. I had to use a lot of mental strength to
shove it deeper in my mind, since I couldn't deal with something like that
right now.

"Well, she is right...its now or never to get that behind you. College
parties are something that you will remember later."

He glanced at me again, this time little longer.

"It sounds like you know a thing or two about those."

"Yeah...been to couple of them...long time ago." I smiled, not even looking
at him. Some memories came back to me. It seemed now that it was a very
long time ago. Different time, and a different lifestyle. I got lost in my
thoughts for a second. Back then, life seemed less complicated. Partying,
drinking, doing stupid stuff - it was all in the name of a good time. It
seemed so distant and insignificant now. Now I had whole different set of
worries.

And most of them are right in front of me, dressed in faded jeans and gray
sweatshirt.

I snapped back to reality, to find that Matt is looking at me. But he
wasn't just looking. He was devouring me with his gaze. Our eyes locked.

Time stood still. Neither of us moved, nor said anything. It was
amazing. The total lost of control, the feeling of the world disappearing
around me, the incredible depth of Matt's eyes - it all become one in that
moment. I couldn't move. It was like he captured me with his gaze,
penetrating to the core of my being. I become aware of every little detail
in his eyes, every shape change in his irises that he was piercing me
with. My chest started to ache. I wanted to get close to him, to touch him,
to...

I realized that ache in my chest is coming from lack of oxygen. I inhaled
raggedly, breaking the silence. The moment of silence between us became
awkward. I decided to break it up, masking my still ragged breathing.

" Well, I better be off now. I still have some stuff that I need to go over
before my class."  I leaned back, reaching for my backpack. Matt was not
looking at me anymore. I could swear that he was embarrassed with what
happened.

"Yeah, um...let me get your jacket." He stood up and turned around rather
quickly, like he was trying to hide something. He grabbed my jacket and
turned around, facing me again.

"Um, thanks again for the jacket...it was really cold last night," he said,
offering it back to me.

"No problem, I'm glad that you got home back ok," I responded. The awkward
moment has passed, and I was hoping that normal conversation was settling
back in. I took the jacket from him, accidentally wrapping my hand around
his fingers. I could swear that his hand twitched. He looked me in obvious
surprise, but I decided not to show any knowledge of it. I could feel that
I was getting lightheaded, and I needed to get away, to clear my thoughts.

But Matt was still looking at me. I could feel his gaze as I was placing my
jacket under the flap in the backpack and securing it with a strap. I
didn't want to look at him again. I realized that something was happening,
something that was out of my control. It was again that feeling of distant
train that was coming in a hurry, like an avalanche. My chest started to
feel cramped again. I stalled as long as I could, buying several seconds
that didn't get me anywhere close to stop feeling anxious. Then I had to
look at him again.

He was still looking at me in the same state of surprise, almost
shocked. His blue eyes were making very slight motions, like he was
studying something very carefully on my face. I had to say something. This
was getting too odd. I manage to compose myself enough for a civilized
sentence.

"Ok, I'll be off now."

He was still looking at me, but I could see a change in his eyes. They
become darker, like there was overcast of clouds. This was too much for me.

"Matt, are you ok?"

Like he was waking from a dream, he slowly regained his senses. Something
was definitively wrong here. You don't need to be an expert to see that
something was bothering him. Was it something that I said? Anxiety surged
in me again. Just when I was about to open my mouth again, he replied.

"Yeah....sorry. I just...I..." his voice trailed off. He sighed, snapped
his eyesight from me, and grabbed his backpack.

I couldn't let him leave like that. I wanted to know was it something that
I said or did that set him off. It was tearing me inside that I got him
upset. Without thinking, I extended my hand to his shoulder. It was
spontaneous motion that caught even me by surprise.

"Matt...if something is bothering you...you can always count on me for a
help." I didn't know what else to say.

He looked back at me, with strange mixture of unease and relief. I could
feel that he is relaxing under my hand.

"Thanks, Hayden. I'm fine, really. Its just I had lot on my mind lately,
that's all."

I took my hand off his shoulder, and smiled at him. I knew he was not
telling me everything, but I was not about to press the issue. I was
burning inside from worry that it was me who set him off, but there was
nothing that I could do right now regarding that. It would only make things
worse if I start to scratch below that surface.

"Cool. If you need anything, call me, okay?" I managed to give him
encouraging smile that actually made him smile back

"Okay."

I gave him quick pat on the back and walked away. My emotions were started
to ripple inside me again, and this time I decided to split before I do
something impulsive again. I realized that when I placed my hand on his
shoulder I was only step away of hugging him. To hold him close to me, to
run my fingers though his hair, and to look into those incredible eyes up
close.

The thought of that made me shudder. As much as I wanted to hug Matt at
that moment, it would probably scare him away. I realized that I am not
able to control myself when I'm in his presence anymore. That thought made
me so uncomfortable that I had to physically shake my head and actually
break into the light run. Jogging made me feel a little better, but I knew
what I was doing.

I was running away.


(Matt's point of view)


This time I couldn't suppress tears anymore. They flowed freely from my
eyes. I quickly wiped them away, but next ones followed, rolling down my
cheeks. I angrily rubbed my eyes with sleeve of my sweatshirt, and
defiantly looked in the distance, in opposite direction where Hayden has
disappeared. I could feel the desperation overtaking me. At the same time I
felt lonely and empty like I never felt before.

When I was coming here at the beginning of the semester, I felt that I was
alone, but this was different. This was feeling that I had no one to turn
to and no one to confide in. In middle of campus full of life and other
students walking around, I felt like I was on deserted island.

I reached behind me, not even realizing what I was looking for. I thought
that I was searching for my backpack, but than I realized that I am
actually looking for Hayden's jacket. Tears started to well in my eyes
again. Last night when I was snuggling with Hayden's jacket I felt
connected to him, as almost as he was there with me. I knew it was just a
fantasy, and that it was pure fiction, but it made me feel good. Now that
was gone. I felt so stupid looking for it, like a child that was looking
for a pacifier. I immediately though of Linus' obsession with his blanket,
but I didn't laugh. I felt I like I was loosing it.

I sat on the bench for the next half an hour. Earlier I was planning to get
something to eat, but I wasn't hungry anymore. This whole morning came back
to me like ton of bricks.

Earlier I called Hayden and we talked briefly, mostly about school
stuff. He suggested a meeting place and the time that worked for both of
us. After my first period class, I hurried to where we were to meet. I was
anxious to see him again. Previous night had left me exhausted. The party
was going on well into the early morning, and despite trying to drown the
noise my listening to my MP3 player, I still couldn't go to sleep.

I woke up late for class and with headache, and had to rush to the morning
class. So afterward when I arrived at our meeting place, I was actually
hoping for some peace and quiet. Than, my mom called and I got entangled in
conversation with her.

She noticed that I sounded tired. I told her that the dorm life was not all
it should be. She would talk to dad about me getting a room off the campus.

That gave me hope that I might have a somewhat normal life here. Of course,
she was all concern about me living alone; both of us knew that there would
be no more "Little Mathew" in the family. It was time for me to move
on. And than she asked me about my all-important social life...I hinted
that I made some friends and quickly changed the subject back to renting a
room. We were still talking about that when I noticed that Hayden is
standing several feet away, leaning on one of park tables.

I turned away from him, closing my eyes. I had to concentrate hard on my
phone conversation with mom. The image of him, leaning on the table with
his long legs crossed, and arms folded in front of his chest was
distracting me. While I was trying to finish conversation with my mom, a
picture of his face, basking in the sun, was imprinted on the inside of my
eyelids. I finished conversation rather quickly and we said our byes.

In the first minute of conversation he noticed that I was exhausted. I made
some remarks about dorm life and constant parties, and than I noticed that
he kinda drifted away. He was looking somewhere in the distance, with that
expression on his face that people would have when they are deep into their
thoughts. It only lasted for brief moment or two, but it moved something in
me.

It was like a tidal wave, rushing from somewhere inside me, wanting to
burst out. I found myself being captivated with his face, studying the
profile of his nose, his jaw line and the beautiful tan of his skin. I was
taking in every little detail on him. His full lips were slightly open,
only adding to their appeal. Refined line of the eyebrows, which made his
eyes look deep and dark. The line of his jaw, that was so masculine and
straight, framing his face so perfectly. There was a slight trace of a scar
alongside his left cheek that I had never noticed before. I was so engulfed
in his features that when he turned around and looked me again, I couldn't
look away. His eyes pierced me. It was like he had fire inside of them, a
blaze that was burning right into my core.

All that existed in that moment was Hayden's presence, right there in front
of me. Not his jacked or the smell of his cologne. It was no a fantasy. It
was very real, physical presence that I could touch, that I could embrace,
and that I could be the part of. And my whole body was opening up to him.

The sensation of falling came over me. Like I was standing on the edge, and
being drawn to him. It was so strong that I realized that I am actually
getting close to him. I couldn't look away. I couldn't breathe. I felt the
heat coming into my cheeks.

He took a breath and pulled himself away. In an instant, the whole moment
shattered. I felt physical pain in my chest. It felt like he was pulling a
part of me away with him, ripping something out of my body.

I realized that tears are welling in my eyes, so I jumped on my feet and
turned away from him. I cannot let this happen. I just can't. I cannot
break down right there in front of him.

I quickly wiped my eyes, concealing that motion by reaching for his jacket
that still lay on the bench behind me. I started to yell in my head:

"STOP IT! You cannot have him! Pull yourself together! Stop it, stop it,
stop it!"

I turned around, giving him the jacket. I managed to mumble something, not
even hearing his response. My ears were ringing and I could feel beating of
my heart all the way in my temples. I didn't dare to look straight at him
anymore. I just wanted to give him his jacket and run away. Anxiety was
almost making me nauseous. I just wanted to leave. I cannot be here
anymore. Not next to him. I cannot have him.

He reached for his jacket and touched my hand with his. It felt like
electric shock, overloading my senses in a whole new direction. Like in
some primal response, my mind started screaming warning messages:

"You cannot touch him! You cannot have him! Run! You need to get away from
him. Touching him will only bring trouble. You cannot have him."

If I could move, I would probably run. Instead, I was standing there,
watching him carefully packing his jacket in his backpack. I couldn't tear
my eyesight from display of his muscular forearms and lats that were
protruding through his white t-shirt while he was closing the backpack. It
was mesmerizing, and I could only stand there, enchanted.

Then he stood up and looked at me. I was still feeling lightheaded, with my
brain still sending me warning messages.

"You cannot have him."

He said something, but it took me a second to take that in.

"Matt, are you okay?"

I looked at him, realizing that he figured that something is going on with
me. I forgot how perceptive Hayden was. My mind raced to find a way to
conceal as best as possible the nervous breakdown that I almost had.

 I managed to sputter some lame excuse about having lot on my mind. In an
essence that was true, so I didn't feel like I was lying to him. He cannot
find out. I don't want him to find out. I cannot lay this burden on his
shoulders. This is something that I will figure out on my own. I cannot
have him and I will found a way to get over it.

I finally managed to move, so I grabbed my backpack from the ground and
swung it on my shoulder. He was still looking at me, with such a concern in
his eyes that I could only steal glances in his direction. I knew it that
if I look at him again, I would break down.

But than he leaned closer, and very gently placed his left hand on my
shoulder. Looking me straight into the eyes, he said:

"Matt, if something is bothering you, you can always count on me for help."

I could feel my heart melting. This cannot be happening.

He said the perfect words at perfect time. I felt like I was an open book
for him. The only thing that was wrong with this picture was that support
that I needed was not the support that I could get from him. That was the
messed up part. He was willing to help me in any way that he can, but I
couldn't let him. And it was tearing me apart.

"You cannot have him."

Another warning came from my brain, this time in the right moment. I
managed to get a grip on myself to give some meaningful answer to
Hayden. He gave me another long, steady look, and then he split.

When he left I more collapsed than sat on the bench. It felt like I had
been run over by a steamroller. I was so exhausted that I started to
shake. It was warm and sunny day, but I was still shaking like I was
cold. I buried my eyesight in the concrete in front of me and clasped my
hands together, holding them in between my knees. I had a strange sensation
of emptiness in my head. Like I have been drained of all emotions and
energy that I had in me.

"This is not good, Matthew" I said to myself. There are only two things
that I could do to try to fix this problem.

I could either make myself be in more control, or...


Or tell Hayden how I really felt about him.



(Hayden's point of view)


"C'mon Hayden, focus!" I said to myself. I was trying to reach over into
engine compartment of my '95 Fleetwood to plug back in one of vacuum hoses
and in doing that I skinned the back of my hand. The car used to belong to
the owner of the house, and I made a deal with him when I started to rent
the house so I bought the Cadillac from him as well. The car has been a
constant project for me for the previous two years. I was pleased with
luxury and feel of the big car, and soon enough I made some modification to
the engine to make it really fast. The only problem is I had to constantly
maintain this or that, making this my favorite pastime. Or in this case,
least favorite. Thankfully I had my white Golf as reliable vehicle for
school. And when I wanted to go really fast I had my bike parked next to
the Caddy.

I came to garage this afternoon to get my mind in check. Sometime messing
with mechanical things can do wonders for your mind. It was almost like
session with psychiatrist, only much cheaper. And a shrink would have a
field day with me. I smiled silently, as I was comparing mechanical stuff
with psychology. I imagined fictional conversation with a shrink-mechanic:

"...First thing that we are going to do, Mr. Faulkner, is to take your
brain apart and to figure out which part is messing up the whole body. Then
we are going to replace it, re-assemble everything back together, fine tune
it and let it test run before you are released back to the public. You can
get off the work bench now."

I sighed. I wish it was that easy. Then, at least I would know what to do,
instead letting this situation run havoc over me. Meeting with Matt
confirmed my suspicion. I am not able to get myself in check to act normal
when I'm near him.

Matt.

I leaned on the bumper and let my mind wander. After hours of working in
the garage this afternoon, I was still unsure of what I am feeling for
him. And even worse, what should I do about it.

I knew that I have strong emotions for that boy. Only an idiot wouldn't
recognize that. But am I fooling myself and letting something that is only
affection leading me on? Is this just some brotherly love that I have never
experienced? I was the only child: I do have a stepbrother, but he was in
Wisconsin with his real mom, and we barely have met twice. Maybe I'm having
some strange form of mid-life crisis?

I sighed again and wiped grease off my hands, realizing that it was almost
time for me to get ready. Courtney and I were going to the movies tonight,
and I was sure that she wouldn't appreciate to have engine grease on her
clothes. And I guess I should dress up a little. Girls appreciate things
like that. I hit the shower and got ready.

Couple hours later, Courtney and I met in front of the theater. She was in
very good mood, constantly cracking jokes on which I couldn't suppress the
laughter. She didn't have any problem telling me the raunchiest blonde
jokes that I have ever heard; even people around us were laughing. We had
to wait outside for a while to get the tickets; she wanted to see "the Da
Vinci Code". There was a line for that one. It was getting cold, and she
snuggled next to me. I embraced her in a hug, feeling strangely odd about
it. Soon we were inside, snuggling next to each other while walking and
sharing the popcorns. She was still chatting and telling me some dirty
stories about one of our professors. I didn't know where she got all the
information, but it was juicy stuff involving the town mayor and a pair of
handcuffs. As we were walking down the theater's hall, with Courtney
chatting in my ear, I looked a side and almost choked on popcorn.

Matt was standing on the side of the hallway, with some newspapers in his
hand. But that was not what stopped me. He looked...horrified. His blue
eyes were wide open, and his handsome mouth was hanging half open. He
collected himself in instant; his eyes blinked and he waved to me, as he
hurried himself down the corridor. I was looking after him, still in awe,
not even knowing what happened. Courtney noticed that something happened.

"Do you know him?"

"Yeah...he goes to our school..." I answered, still looking down the hall.

"He looked like someone who has seen a ghost." Courtney commented.

I nodded with my head, agreeing with her. Matt had disappeared from my
view, but I was still totally confused with his reaction. What a hell made
him look like that? I was musing over that for several minutes, not finding
an answer to that puzzle.

After the movie was over, we walked in silence towards her car. I didn't
know why she was insisting on driving when theater was only ten minutes
away from her place, but she commented that she felt more secured that
way. I felt obligated to offer to pick her up next time, and she gladly
agreed. Only than I realized that I was setting another date with her. I
realized that too late, and she was already making plans for the next
Friday. We stood next to her car, and she hugged me, reaching her hands
under my jacket and placing the palms of her hands on my back. For some
reason that didn't feel right. I begun to feel trapped, and I started to
feel uncomfortable. I managed to stay calm, but a feeling of uneasiness
intensified inside me.

"Hayden, you are so warm," she murmured, with her head buried against my
chest. I keep her embraced in my arms, but I realized something. Despite
that I had numerous girls in my arms like that in the past years, this time
it was making me restless. Normally I would quickly put a move on a girl in
this moment: it was a perfect time for the first kiss. We were alone, and I
knew that she would welcome an advance from me. But her hands around my
body were stirring an uncertainty that I never felt before. I felt
claustrophobic and apprehensive. I wanted to leave. Now.

What is wrong with me?

"Courtney, I have to leave."

"What?" She was genuinely surprised. She looked up to me, with question on
her face. I looked down to her, stroking her hair. She needed an
explanation, but I couldn't give one to her.

"I just need more time for this," I said finally.

She tightened her lips a bit, than looked away.

"Please tell me that you are not dating some other girl," she said with
hurt in her voice.

I sighed. This is so complicated that even I cannot explain to myself, let
alone to her.

"No, Courtney, I am not seeing any other girl. I told you that right now I
am not willing to get involved with anybody. It has nothing to do with
you. I like you a lot, but I need time to fix myself. All right?"

She looked at me, with mixture of relief and puzzle. This is the second
person in two days that is giving me this look. What is going on?

"Ok, I understand. I guess I should appreciate your honesty about how are
you feeling, but you are confusing the heck out of me."

"I know...believe me, confusion is only thicker on my side."

"Wow, whatever happened to you must really messed you up," she said with
question on her face.

"No, it's not that bad, really. I just want some time on my own, that's
it." I replied smiling down at her. She smiled back.

"Ok, but I have to tell you that you better make up your mind. Girl can
only wait for so long." she said with a smile, and then swiftly kissed me
on the lips. It happened so fast that I didn't have a chance to react. She
was already pulling her hands out of my jacket when I summon my response.

"Whoa...how I'm supposed to sleep quietly now?" I said with a smirk.

"You are not...that's the whole point," she said and than opened her car
and jumped in. I shook my head in mock disbelief. She started the engine
and gave me the devilish grin before she drove away.

I zipped my jacket and started to walk back towards my car. After a second,
I decided to take a quick walk. I was not in the mood to go back home
yet. There were still some things that I needed to clear in my mind, so I
crossed the street and turned towards the park. Although it was dark
already, the park had lights and some vendors at the entrance. I could go
for some popcorn right now, I thought.

As I was walking on one of paths winding around neatly trimmed bushes, I
saw a silhouette of a person sitting on one of the benches. The outline
suggested it was a man straddling the bench, since the shoulders were broad
and he look tall. I didn't feel particularly in any danger, but you never
know. This is still a lonely place at dark, despite that it was only 8:30
pm. As I approached, I realized that the person is much younger than your
average bum; he was holding his face propped with his fists, keeping his
elbows on his knees. He looked like he is deep in his thoughts. I decided
not to pay attention. He obviously came in here for the same reason as I
was. As I was almost next to him, I stole the last glance at his face.

It was Matt!

After my initial shock, I quickly weighed my options. Should I just
continue to walk pass him? He must have heard that someone is walking
towards him. If I don't continue, he will look up and he will recognize
me. If I just keep on walking, he probably won't recognize me. Maybe that
will be better, since he is obviously seeking solitude. My mind was racing
with options.


(Matt's point of view)

It was happening again. It was Friday night, and despite being only 5 pm,
the music was already thumping through thin dorm walls. I closed my Bio lab
manual. This is pointless. I need to concentrate in order to finish this
paper, and it is due Monday morning. And being Friday, the library is
already closed. Pissed, I grabbed my cell phone. My parents should be the
first one to endure my rage. Besides, both of them had their own rooms
while they were in college; concept of the dorm life was not familiar to
them.

Impatiently, I waited for one of them to pickup the phone. It was my dad
who got it first.

"Dad, this is unbearable! There is another party, and it is starting right
now! It's not even 6 pm!"

"Well, good evening to you too, Matt. I am glad that you are calling to see
how are we're doing," although he smirked, he was serious. I toned down my
voice immediately.

"Sorry, but this is getting out of hand. I cannot get any sleep anymore! I
got to find a room somewhere else. Far, far away, somewhere else." I
shouted.

"Ok, I talked to your mom. You do understand that we have limited funds for
all of this. Had you picked a local University like we discussed..." I
didn't let him finish.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all about your alumni connections back home. But
I told you, I would rather go somewhere where I can actually learn
something." I poked at him. University in my hometown was not the greatest,
and it was geared towards athletes and their sport achievements, not the
academics. But thinking of it now, it seems that my current University is
no different than one back home.

"Let me finish! Your mother and I have discussed the plan of you renting a
place of your own. We figured out that if you can keep your expenses below
$500 a month for boarding, we could swing the rest."

"Really? Dad, that's great news! Oh, thank you so much, guys! I'm gonna
start searching tomorrow! Holly cow, this is gonna be great! A place of my
own!"

"Hey, hey, hey, settle down young man. That comes with some
responsibilities. We want to see good grades, not constant parties."

"Dad, the parties are something that I'm trying to get away from...let me
worry about the grades."

We talked some more, and than I hung up. I was ecstatic!  I will have my
own place! I quickly got dressed and got out. I had to get a paper or a
renter's guide.

On the corner of the main street I found a newsstand that had what I was
looking for. The clerk was helpful. He gave me bunch of fliers that also
had rooms and apartments for rent. I thumbed through them quickly, and my
initial enthusiasm quickly disappeared. All of the prices were too much for
my parents to afford. Rent and the food would be well over my spending
limit. I was already budgeting a lot of my expenses, but this was too
much. I sighed.

"Now what?" I asked myself. It looked like I would have to deal with the
dorm life for a long time. I stood up and started to walk down the main
street. My stroll lead me to the movie theater, the same one that Hayden
and I went to couple nights ago.

"Well, I got couple hours to kill, and sure as hell I cannot study back in
my room, so why not," I said to myself as I entered. I got the ticket and
got in among first group of people. That gave me a chance to pick a seat
that was on the side of auditorium. That way I won't feel as crowded as
usual. But I didn't count on the fact that I forgot to go to the restroom
before I set down.

"Oh well, I guess better now then when movie starts," I said to myself.

Exiting the restroom, I placed all my newspapers with adds in one neat
fold. I didn't wanted to lose any so I can comb through them later. Just I
finished and moved back to the theater, I spotted Hayden.

My heart started racing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see Hayden
here; it was a small town after all. But holding him around his waist was
really pretty blond girl. I felt my chest cramping again, just as two days
ago when we met in school's park. Just when I thought that I couldn't get
more hurt, it happened.

Hayden spotted me. His face fell for a brief moment; it was barely
noticeable, but the movement was there. I managed to wave him as I almost
ran in the opposite direction.

I entered another theater without even realizing that it was not the same
one where I was minutes ago. I had to get away. I found an empty seat and
collapsed in it.

My vision became blurry again. Why did I even think that he wouldn't have a
girlfriend? Just because he never mentioned one, doesn't mean that he is
single. Or gay. And on top of that, it sure as heck doesn't mean that he is
interested in me. I forgot how private Hayden is; even after seeing him on
several occasions, I really don't know much about his personal life. So
where did I get this idea about him being interested in me at all?

"Stupid, stupid, stupid." I repeated to myself angrily. I did it again. I
let my imagination play games with me. When I will learn? Didn't Mary say
the same thing? Did I listen?

"Stupid...stupid...SO damn stupid!" I couldn't stop repeating myself. The
movie started, but I couldn't concentrate. I didn't even know which movie
was it that I was watching. It just became a blur of colors on front of
me. I realized that I'm getting teary again, for the third time in the last
week or so. This was really getting me upset - I am not a crybaby and I
haven't cried in years, and all of the sudden it was like someone turned
the faucet on. In frustration, I left the theater.

I walked around the block for several minutes to clear my thoughts when I
spotted the park across the street. Mindlessly I wandered into it. It was
peaceful and calm in there. The paths were covered with leaves and sunset
was painting everything orange. I sat on one of the benches.

The image of Hayden hugging that blonde girl came back to my head. My fists
clenched, involuntarily. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I still was. For
a moment I didn't knew where the anger was coming from, but than it came
upon me. I was feeling strong antagonism towards that blonde. I realized
that it was jealousy that was making me jaded. Despite the fact that I knew
that it was childish and immature, I hated that girl in that moment. I also
hated to admit something else to myself. The picture of her hand around
Hayden's waist, her head leaned on his shoulder as they walked slowly down
the theater's hall...it was idyllic. I couldn't think of it otherwise.

I knew what I wanted to be different in that scene. I wanted Hayden to be
like that with me. To feel his strong hand around my shoulder, and my hand
around his waist. Except that was fantasy, nothing but fiction. I knew that
I was wrong. Hayden belonged in that setting. Gorgeous boy with a pretty
girl - isn't it the way it supposed to be?

"They make such a beautiful couple." I mused, disheartened. The image of
two of them was so perfect. There was no place for me in that scene.

The more I was thinking about it, the more I become frustrated. I knew it
was very stupid of me to even have hope of getting somewhere with Hayden,
and now I was getting burned. And it hurt.

"Stupid...so stupid." I repeated to myself again, feeling tears coming back
on me.  Mary was right, damnit. My lacks of experience lead me into this
mess. I tried to reason with my emotions, but I was getting nowhere. It
still felt as a painful cramp in my chest that made by breathing
difficult. And at the same time it felt like something was missing in
there.

I sighed and looked up. It was dark already. The bench that I was sitting
under had a light above it, so it made a circle of light around me in stark
contrast with dark sky. I must have been sitting here for good hour or
so. The trouble is I didn't want to go back to my dorm. I knew that noisy
environment would only add to my aggravation now. The park was tranquil and
it was perfect place for me right now, and I felt strange exhaustion that
was holding me still. I leaned forward and I saw that I still have all the
newspapers in front of me.

"I guess I should read through these," I pondered and opened one of
them. But my mind wandered again before I even got to the end of the first
page. The image of Hayden from the movie hall came to my mind again. This
time I remembered seeing that underneath his jacket he had a dressy shirt,
nicely buttoned and tucked in, making him look classy. The jealousy in me
gave another sting.

He dressed up this time...for her.

Then I heard footsteps behind me. I didn't even realized what felt strange
about it, until they got close, when it dawned on me that nobody actually
passed by me all this time while I was sitting here. In an instant I
realized that it is very late, in part of the town that I don't know
nothing about. The anxiety upsurge in me. I didn't have much money on me,
and a though of running away crossed my mind. But I was glued to the bench
like all the energy was drained from me. With all that, I could hear that
footsteps are slowing down, and than stopped, right next to me.

I lifted my head. A familiar, warming sense came upon me.

"Nicky." I whispered, without turning.



(Hayden's point of view)


"May I sit next to you?" I asked Matt.

"Sure," he whispered. His voice was crackly, like he just woke up. I
straddled the bench sitting opposite from him. For a moment neither of us
spoke. It was clear to me that this moment carried more than usual
socializing. It hung in the air, like heavy curtain above us. I was looking
at him, but his eyesight was buried in newspapers in front of him. I
couldn't see his eyes. I knew something was going on. His whole posture
spelled worry and concern. I wanted to help him out, but at the same time I
knew that I have to be careful with this boy. Our previous meeting in the
park left me thinking that it is me who made him uncomfortable, and that
was tearing me inside. I wanted to find out what was it that I said or did
to make him upset and hurt.

"Looking for a place to rent?" I asked, as gently as I could. He nodded his
head, still not looking at me.

"Anything interesting yet?" I continued. I felt like I was pressuring him,
the second sentence in the conversation. All of the sudden, I felt like I'm
prying into his privacy. What a hell I'm doing? Maybe he wants to be left
alone here. Why else he would be sitting here if not wanting to be left
alone? I was already about to tell him that I'll leave him alone, when he
answered back, almost in a whisper:

"No, not really. Its...Places that I see here are too expensive for me."

His answer made me settle back on the bench. It made a world of difference
- he does want to talk to me after all.

"Yeah, the rooms in the town are pricey."

We sat in silence for another moment, and than he lifted his head. He
didn't look at me, he just look around. I looked at him, worried. I was
dying to ask him what was wrong, but I knew that wouldn't be best way to
communicate with him right now.

"Another party at the quad?" I asked.

His eyes snapped at me in a surprise.

"How did you know?" he was looking at me, interested.

"Well, its Friday; generally every Friday someone is targeting your dorm
for a party. Then there's you, looking for a place to rent, since you
cannot get any sleep at your dorm. And my ex roommate is going to a dorm
party tonight, so it was easy to draw conclusion." I finished.

He smiled at me. I couldn't believe my luck! I made him smile - that was a
huge positive reinforcement for me at this moment.

"Well, you got me. I am looking for a room, but it seems that I am doomed
to live in a party town for a while. I spoke with my parents and all the
rooms around here are just too much." he finished.

"Let me guess...you only looked in local newspapers." I asked him. He
looked me with a question in his eyes. I continued on:

"All the rooms and apartments in downtown area are too expensive. The trick
is to look in suburbs. Often you will find families that are renting spare
rooms for half of the price that you will find down here."

He looked like I just gave him the key to treasure chest. His eyes went
wide, and his whole face lit up with interest.

"Really? Wow, that is great news! Thank you so much, man! You just made a
world of difference to me! I already gave up on idea that I would ever have
a civilized life here."

"No problem. The only thing is you have to have a car, since all of the
suburbs are several miles away from campus."

"Yeah, I have a car...it's nothing special, but it will get me there," he
nodded his head.

"What you need to do is go north. You can either take highway 16 or state
road 80; both of them have developments along side of them. Then pick up
local ads in a local store or coffee shop, and go from there."

"Wow...that never crossed my mind," he said, looking at me. I raised my
finger to my mouth.

"Yeah but shhhh...it has to be our secret." He chuckled at that. It made me
smile too. The feeling of heaviness that was hanging in the air earlier was
gone now, and it was getting replaced with relaxed sensation of autumn
evening.

"Feel better now?" I asked. He looked at me with compassion before he
answered.

"Yes, a bunch. I... I owe you an apology for my behavior earlier." He
continued, turning his eyes towards his hands again.

I remained silent. I didn't know where he is actually going with
this. Apology? An apology for...what?

He looked at me again, seeing me giving him a puzzled look. That seemed to
confused him even more, and he stumbled:

"Yeah, I mean...um...for..." his voice gave up on him and he buried his
eyesight in front of him again.

I paused briefly before I answered.

"Matt, you don't have to apologize...everybody has it rough first couple
weeks here."

He was still looking at his hands. This time he was shuffling them, like he
was getting more and more nervous. For a moment I thought that he will stop
talking to me again, but then he lifted his head and looked at me straight
in the eyes.

"It seems that you are always magically here to come to my aid every time I
need help. And somehow I manage to be a jerk to you on every single
occasion." He finished and lowered his eyes again.

"Matt, honestly...I haven't noticed any of those situations, if you want to
call them like that. I think that you are a great person, and I have hard
time seeing you as being a jerk. Besides, if you would pull something like
that on me, I'll be the first one to tell you that." I finished, somewhat
confused.

What a hell is he talking about? Being a jerk? I don't understand. Several
times he expressed insecurity around me; is that what he is referring to? I
become puzzled and interested at the same time.

He was still looking at his hands when he responded, this time little
louder.  "Its just that...I...somehow I always manage to say or do
something stupid when I'm around you. Just like that time I knocked you
over at the school."

"Wow, you still remember that? I mean, I didn't forget it, but that is
so...not important." I finished. He didn't respond, so I continued:

"Matt...you have a lot of things happened to you lately. We have all been
through it. You left home, left everyone you care for behind, and came to
strange place filled with strangers. Plus you started new school, which is
the most important thing that you'll do for yourself in the next couple
years. That is a huge responsibility. That takes courage. It is not easy,
and it always takes time to get used to it and to get over initial
stress. It will become much easier...especially when you get to know folks
that you can share the stress with. Right now you might not know too many
of them, but you will meet people around here and it will become easier," I
finished.

There was a pause where he lifted his eyesight towards me for a moment and
lowered it down again.

"I met you..." his voice was whisper again.

My heart went to him. I was the only one who he can think of, and that
filled me with strange mixture of satisfaction and unease.

"Um...I hope that's a good thing." I said, kinda confused.

He laughed silently for a second; it was more of gesture of his shoulders
than actual laugh, but it made me feel better. He continued:

"Yes...I am very grateful that I can call you my friend. It is definitively
much easier to be around here and knowing that I know someone."

He shot me a brief smile and than he continued: " Its just that ever since
I came here something has changed in my life, and I cannot figure out what
to do. It is messing me up to that point that I do not know what to do
anymore. Its like my mind is not listening to me at all anymore."

He paused, than spoke again: "When I was back home, a lot of things were
kinda set in their place. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like
it was always like that, and it will never change...nor it should
change. It was comforting. Now I came here, and all of the sudden I have
this thing in me," - he placed his hand on his chest- "...that I never knew
it was there before. And it scares me, since all of the sudden I do things
that I never dreamed of doing and I'm feeling all messed up inside."

I was looking at him, not making a sound. He sighed and continued.

"And that is what is scaring me. I feel all fucked up inside, since I don't
know what to do or where this whole situation is going to take me. Back
home I never had that problem. Here, its like different planet and I cannot
get the grip on how to do normal things anymore."

I remained silent. He lifted his head again, but he was looking somewhere
aside, into the darkness.

" I met someone, and it kinda changed a lot of things for me."

Now I was totally confused. I couldn't see where is he going with all
this. Has he fall in love with different girl, and don't know how to break
up with the one back home? It sounded like the most reasonable
description. I felt that I need something to say:

"This person...is it someone that you care about a lot?"

He nodded his head, and quickly continued "Yeah, but the problem is I
cannot...we cannot be together. That is what is tearing me apart. It is
kinda one of those 'Romeo and Juliet' kinda things, except it goes only
one-way. My 'Juliet'," - he made those phony quotation marks with his
fingers- "doesn't know about me and my feelings. And that has to remain
that way."

I nodded. It become a little clearer, even if he didn't disclosed too much
information. I knew that he wouldn't tell me anything more than that, but
that was enough for me. Now it became clear to me why he had those "dark
cloud" moments. He did have a chip on his shoulder.

I bit my lip for a second. This was a serious and sensitive issue. He
needed support, and I was not sure that I could give a valuable piece of
advice to him. Things like that are not in any manuals, books nor handouts.

"That's...messed up. I'm sorry."

He shrugged his shoulders silently again, looking like someone who gave
up. I couldn't leave him hanging like that. I felt too strongly for him,
and it was upsetting me to see him being hurt like that.

"Dude, life is a bitch on wheels...you must always be prepared for bad
stuff to happens, and enjoy the good ones."

He lifted his head and looked at me. I could see surprise and curiosity
brewing in his eyes.

I continued: "And it will only get worse as you go on. You might gain
experience with shit that you go through right now to help you out with
later ones, but exploring the entire life intricacies can be...no, it is
very painful. Getting mental scars from something like that is...uh, to be
expected, I guess."

He was still looking at me, stunned at my little outburst.  "Wow, that is a
very negative attitude. You always look so calm and composed, and
definitively don't look like someone who paints picture black," he said
with surprise in his voice.

I smirked at his remark, but second later it was my turn to shift myself
uncomfortably. The feeling of the heavy curtain hanging above us was
back. He was touching a subject that was buried too shallow in me. I felt
that I have a lump in my throat that was preventing me from speaking. I
inhaled, wondering if he knew that he opened a floodgate of memories in
me. I become aware of the sound of wind in the trees around us before I
continued.

"I guess it is right for you to see that as a surprise...but Hayden that
I'm today is very different from Hayden that I was five years ago." I
stopped.

He continued looking at me, but it was me who was looking aside in the
darkness this time. The roles changed so slightly that neither of us
noticed the shift.

"I was pretty wild child until several years ago. I was always a smart kid
who didn't want to listen. I didn't take crap from anyone. It got gradually
worse and worse, but I really hit it when I got into the college. I started
to hang around the crowd that was..." I paused, searching for
words. Digging through the past was difficult, especially if you need to
explain all the shit that I did to myself in civilized words.

"...different from the usual college crowd. I neglected the school totally,
I was constantly out with rest of my buddies, getting in trouble or
planning to get into trouble. My parents were trying very hard to get me
out of those surroundings, but I was only getting more and more
stubborn. It came to the point that I was just resentful, hateful teenager,
destructive to everybody around me. I was getting into lot of fights,
almost daily. Even my buddies would describe me as 'volatile'. It wouldn't
take much to set me off. At that time it almost seemed like trouble was
seeking me, not other way around. I didn't give a shit about what my mom or
dad were thinking about me. I had different priorities. It was all about
who rode the longer wheelie on our bikes, or which girl are you were
banging that night, not what your parents are thinking about you. They send
me to four different counselors within three months. Last time I had to do
it to avoid going to jail because my buddies and I broke into liquor store
and got so drunk in there that I don't even remember police coming in and
dragging us to jail. My dad bailed me out, but that didn't stopped me from
getting into shit."

I stopped there. It took a lot of energy from me to get to that place in my
life story. I even forgot that Matt was there, listening carefully. I was
looking into dark trees on the side of the path. Gradually, the sounds that
were present in the park become deafening to me. This time it was Matt who
broke the silence.

"And what...what made you change?"

I sighed. Memories hung around me like heavy cloud.

"Three years ago, I was at this college party on the other side of the
town. There was whole bunch of us, and we all got very drunk. I was going
to take home this girl that I met there, but when we got to my car she
refused to get in. She had a thing against Mustangs for whatever stupid
reason, so she refused to go home with me in it. Couple miles from my home
I apparently lost control and smashed the car into the tree. That is what
police record states. I don't remember a single thing about it. There was
no skid marks, or oil on the road or any other reason for me not to make
that turn. But I didn't, and I woke up in the hospital. I had a concussion,
broke several ribs and left clavicle, but I was fine otherwise. I got very
lucky."

I hesitate briefly. All of the sudden I was getting cold.

"If that girl got into my car that nigh, she would be dead. I would have
killed her on the spot. My Mustang hit that tree so hard on the passenger
side that it was crushed...bent almost in half. There was no chance that
anybody would lived if they were in that car with me."

I stopped for a second. The lump in my throat felt almost palpable.

"But what completely shattered me mentally, was when I woke up I saw my dad
crying. My dad is ex-marine. You will never see him cry. I saw him at the
funeral when my uncle died. He buried his own brother - he didn't shed one
tear. But that night, next to my bed, he was crying. I could see that tears
rolling down his face. That broke something in me. Then I realized how much
pain I was inflicting on my parents, and how much they loved me. When he
saw that I'm awake, he came next to my bed. Neither of us said one word. He
squeezed my hand and ruffled my hair like he used to do when I was a kid,
and then he left the room, sending my mother in."

I cleared my throat. I was aware of Matt's presence, but I still couldn't
look at him when I continued:

"Later, when I got out of the hospital, I had to go to insurance parking
lot to get my things from the car. When I saw what was left of my Mustang,
I started to shake. It was the most sobering experience that I had to that
moment. That was when I realized that I nearly took someone'sl life because
my irresponsibility. My dad was with me, and he didn't say one word. He
didn't have to. I just stood there, looking at my pride and joy that was
reduced to pile of mangled junk. That incident started the change, but it
took me more than two years to get where I am right now."

That was it. I felt drained. I tried to smile at Matt, but I could only
muster half of it, that almost instantly dropped from my lips.  This was
something that I never actually shared with anybody. My family and I never
discussed the incident in details. It was always referred to as "Hayden's
accident" or similar euphemism.

Matt shifted himself, collecting his jacket. His eyesight was circling, as
almost as he was avoiding eye contact with me while he was processing all
the stuff that I dumped on him. Finally he looked at me.

"Wow...that must have been horrifying."

I nodded my head. I felt odd, like a strange relief came over me. It was a
peaceful, calming sensation. I never had talked to anyone about my
accident. I refused to talk about it with anybody, even the therapist; at
that time I knew that I had to deal with all the stuff that I had in my
head myself. With a sigh, I continued:

"Yeah, it was. I guess it took something that brutal to get the message
across. Soon after the accident we moved; I am not sure if my dad asked for
the transfer or it was just a coincidence, but I guess it doesn't
matter. After about half a year I went back to school and finished it. I
definitively become different person since than. I applied to several
undergrad schools, got accepted here and last year I moved. Now I'm at the
point that I can say that I can look at myself in the mirror and not to be
ashamed. I haven't got all the crap sorted out yet, but it is definitively
better than it used to be. So....sometimes you have to take several steps
back in your life in order to gain one valuable step forward." I finished.

Matt was still looking at me, with his eyes full of compassion. We remain
silent for a while, each of us adrift in our thoughts. I noticed that he is
shivering.

" We better leave. It's getting cold here" I suggested, not wanting him to
know that I noticed that he is cold. He nodded his head, still looking like
he was musing over my spill out. Truth was that I felt embarrassed with all
that I dumped on him. Stuff like that I usually keep buried deep inside
where no one could touch them, and now I let myself open to this boy that I
hardly know. I stood up, followed by him. He started to collect all of his
newspapers, when I noticed that on top of the pile there was a movie
stub. Then it dawned on me that he was at the theater too, this evening.

"How did you liked the 'DaVinci Code'?" I asked him.

"I...didn't go." He said, simply.

I looked him briefly, mystified. "The Da Vinci Code" was just out, and it
was hard to get a ticket for it; and yet he didn't go? Instantly I realized
that at that time something else was going on in his head.

"I understand."

He stopped in his track, looking at me with his eyes wide open.

"Do you always know what is on my mind? It seems like you can read me like
open book! What, do you have six sense or something like that?"

He was being overly talkative, obviously trying to cover up uneasiness of
the events from previous half hour that we were both feeling.

"No...I just listen and read people very carefully." I replied seriously,
and than smiled at him. He continued to walk along, shaking his head in
mock disbelief. I could almost physically sense relief was coming upon both
of us. We walked back towards the park exit, with leaves shuffling under
our feet. The park was still empty, but it didn't felt desolated
anymore. It felt completely different from the moment when I walked in,
confused and fighting with my own emotions. It felt good.

"You wanna ride with me to the dorm? I offered to Matt.

"Sure... I would like that," he agreed. I shot him a smile, and he smiled
back. The moment was just perfect.  Then I remembered something, which made
me stop in the middle of our walk.

"Wait a minute...you knew that it was me coming to you even before you saw
me! I distinctively remember that you called my name even before you turn
your head. Do YOU have a six sense or what? How did you know it was me that
came to your bench?"

He gave me the most adorable smirk that I have seen him so far. He only
turned his head slightly, so I could only see a part of his face when his
lips broke in sly smile, accompanied with impish look in his eyes:

"Your cologne," he said.


End of chapter ten

Huh, that was a long one. Again, thank you everyone that have wrote to me
in the mean time, kicking my @$$ in gear to finish this one. You can still
email me @ raspucin70@yahoo.com, but I also added discussion group on Yahoo
Groups:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/rip_tide/

so you guys can talk behind my back freely LOL