Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 21:08:07 -0800 (PST)
From: Zare Scott <raspucin70@yahoo.com>
Subject: Rip Tide Chapter 11

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction.  It depicts a romance between
two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act
between two consenting adult males.  If you are not of legal age to read
this kind of story, please leave now.  If you reside in area where reading
stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males
are illegal, please leave now.  This story is for entertainment purposes
only.  Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a
coincidence.  The author retains all rights to this story.  It cannot be
reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author
(me).  Please contact the author for any requests.  Copyright 2006.

RIP TIDE

Chapter 11: The cold front

(Hayden's point of view)

"Matt."

This time I reached to touch Matt's face. He was looking at me, his blue
eyes getting wide with emotions that were coursing between us. My other
hand followed the one that was already resting on side of his neck,
caressing his cheek. My head was spinning, and I felt enormous tension
somewhere in my abdomen. This time I was not letting any doubts blocking my
desire. His eyes were fixed on mine, his mouth was slightly open, his lips
so inviting. I leaned into him, and he gave me that adorable smirk of his,
and than he pulled himself slightly away. The knot in my abdomen tightened
another notch. I leaned more into him, but he was just pulling away even
more, as I was...

Abruptly, I sit up in my bed, gasping heavily. The image of Matt was still
lingering in my mind. It dissipated slowly in the gray light of the dawn
coming in through the window.  I had to blink several times to get that
picture washed away to colorless shadows in my room.

The dawn light was barely visible, making only traces of light coming
trough the window. Propped on my elbows, still breathing coarsely, I looked
at the clock - it was just before 5 am. Exasperated, I fell back onto the
bed, and then I realized that tension in my abdomen was still present, like
a stone placed on my stomach. It dawned on me that it was not just an image
of Matt lasting in front of my eyes something that I carried over from my
dream.

I was painfully hard.

My penis was throbbing so much that it ached as it pushed against the
sheets. This was not usual morning erection. This was something different,
like my whole body was concentrating its energy into my straining
organ. Almost angrily, I tossed bed covers away from me and sat up in bed,
bracing my knees with my hands.

I just had wet dream. Well, almost. It didn't go all the way, but it might
as well have. And it was happening while I was...

While I was dreaming about kissing Matt.

I stared at the dark wall across my room. I could feel my hard on still
relentlessly throbbing against my abs. It felt like hot steel, burning
against my skin, stubbornly not letting go. I could feel every beat of my
heart in its silky head, pressed against my abdomen. It was too much of a
physical presence to be ignored. It was craving for attention, for
relief. It felt like it was a focal point of my whole body at that
moment. As it was expressing desire that was coursing trough my whole body,
aching.

It was aching...for Matt.

I jumped out of my bed, and walked to the bathroom, with my rigid organ
straining in front of me, bobbing in the rhythm of my walk.  I got into the
shower and let the hot water beat on my shoulders while I was leaning on
the wall. I was deliberately avoiding touching my cock. With my hands
propped against the tiles, I let the water run down my body, in futile
attempt to wash away feeling of confusion that was coursing try
me. Moreover, it was the uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment and
awkwardness that was making the stone in my stomach even heavier.

I was ready to shoot while dreaming about another guy.

That was too much for me to comprehend, but that was a fact - I was close
to jerking off thinking about making out with another guy. Precisely,
thinking about Matt. That was just too sketchy.

I knew that I couldn't do something like that by looking at naked pictures
of other guys in magazines or on the net. No, this was something different,
like it was completely separate set of rules that my mind had set and it
was making my body react in manner that I was definitively not ready to
embrace. I was always suppressing that part of me, a part that I have
buried consciously very deep within me.

And, now that part had emerged.

 In the past, even when I would realize that I was getting attracted to
guys that I would meet, I would always manage to get that train of thought
redirected back onto so-called "straight" track. More or less, that would
work and I would never get too involved into thoughts about me and other
guys.

Until now.

My mind, and my body, wanted Matt so much that it was impossible for me to
ignore.

With a sigh, I shut the water off. My erection had faded away, but the
urgency was still there, hanging in my whole abdomen like effervescent
presence that was still remaining me how much turmoil and confusion my mind
was dealing with.

After the shower, I headed downstairs to the kitchen. The sleep was
completely gone from me. There was no way that I could return to bed in
this jumbled state of mind. The dawn was letting more light into the house,
slowly replacing the darkness. It reminded me in same situation that was
going on in my head. The revelation of physical desire towards Matt was
making its way to recognition, to realization that I cannot suppress it
anymore. My body was betraying me in that matter, and I knew I was losing
that battle.

Rubbing my face absentmindedly, I started my morning routine. I knew that
it would be better to get on with my day, even it was whole hour early. On
Sundays I didn't go to the gym, but I was still running in the morning. It
was still dark when I left the house, and it was so cold that I immediately
had to go back for sweatshirt: the cold front that was announced for this
week was already starting to make morning temperatures too harsh for
running in just t-shirt.


(Matt's point of view)

82. That was my latest Biology exam score. The exam was on Monday, two days
ago. It was still a good score, but I was disappointed. I knew exactly
while I botched it: I spend weekend driving around, looking for place to
rent, instead of studying. It was a very exhausting hunt that took a lot of
time. Practically, I spent both Saturday and Sunday driving around suburbs
that were alongside highway heading north from our town. I did get
somewhere, since I did notice that more I went north, the more acceptable
prices were. Sunday night I collected all the leads that I had so far, and
called my parents. They were pleased that I was making progress, even if an
immediate solution had not occurred. At least I was seeing light at the end
of the tunnel. And that was thanks to Hayden and his insight.

Hayden.

I knew that I shouldn't be unfair to admit that he was the second reason
for my poor Biology exam score. I couldn't stop thinking about him in the
past few days.  Even on the weekend evenings that I was in my room, I spend
mostly on my bed, with Bio book next to me, unopened.



He had nothing to do with me spending hours looking at the ceiling,
thinking about all of the time that we spend together Friday, instead
studying. Only after I had time to think over our conversation, I started
to grasp all the details of Friday evening.

Hayden had opened to me, just a bit, but it was a very insightful image. It
was like he let me look through the crack in his armor, and I got blinded
by the light that came from the gap.

At least I was right about something: he was definitively more complex
person than he appeared to be. It only made him more desirable in my
eyes. I guess that I was not surprised about his wild years; he did exuded
vibe that was in sync with his story. But I was still taken aback with
intensity of his lifestyle, the events that he had been through, and how
much energy was involved to make him assured, composed and mature Hayden
that he was today. Even I had butterflies almost the whole conversation
while we were sitting on the bench, he managed to calm me down to the point
that when he dropped me off in front of my dorm, I was in far better mood
than at the beginning of the evening. I realized that I must to grow out my
fascinations and dreams.  "Life doesn't always present you with answers,
even if does present you with problems." I mused philosophically. I needed
to shake this off.

Yeah, easier said than done.

Saturday afternoon I caught myself daydreaming about moment that we were
sitting on the park bench. I remembered the intense concentration on his
face, as he was telling me about his crash. It was obvious that speaking
about incident was very difficult for Hayden, and it took a lot of energy
from him to do it. His handsome face was tightened into a mask while he was
telling me about his former lifestyle. It was as he placed himself into
auto pilot mode, setting his emotions aside so he can convey his story to
me.

It maybe made me calmer at that moment, but later during that weekend and
next week, it stirred even more emotions in me. It only made feeling of
closeness and connection between Hayden and me stronger, precisely what I
was trying to avoid.

My brain was telling me that I must to grow out of my fantasy.

The rest of me was doing quite the opposite.

On Wednesday, I called my parents. I told them about my continuing search
for a room and my findings so far, carefully avoiding any mention of school
issues. My dad was sounded nonchalant about my whole quest, not realizing
how much I invested in it. I told him that there was one more distant part
of the city that I was going to check on Friday. I was not going to give up
that easily. I spoke with my mom briefly after that, and at least she was
more sympathetic to my troubles. I finished that conversation as quickly
and politely as I could. Why is nobody seeing this important except me?

Frustrated, I flipped my phone open again. I had to make another
call. There were still too many things in my life that I needed advice
on. Mary was entitled to hear about my weekend, especially about Friday and
stuff that happened on that evening.

After couple minutes that she was filing me with latest stuff that was
going on back home, the conversation slowly shifted towards my news. I was
fidgeting with some papers on my desk, nervous to start. She was very
careful not ask me directly about Hayden, but I couldn't hold it
anymore. The sentence burst out of me, with all jealousy and bitterness
that I couldn't hide anymore:

"Hayden is straight, I saw him with his girlfriend in the movie theater."

Mary recognized both the resentment and resignation in my voice. Only thing
she said was: "Sorry kiddo, I was hoping that something was brewing for you
on that horizon."

I sighed, and remained silent for a moment. I felt sorry for being short
with her, but I knew that she understood what emotional trouble I was
in. There was no point of hiding it, or calling it different that what it
was. I had fallen in love with Hayden, head-on, no brakes, no caution, no
warning. And now I was dealing with bitterness of consequences, just like
she said that I would.

But Mary didn't say a word about that. She was far too sensitive to mention
that. She was not kind of person to rub it in - for which I was eternally
grateful. Instead, she gently nudged the conversation towards my room
renting issues, which in return brought up the Friday evening and our
encounter at the park. Without getting into the details about Hayden's
accident, I told her about closeness of the moment that Hayden and I
had. That confused her, opening whole different level of uncertainty in me.

"Matt...he is obviously opening up to you. That doesn't sound like
something that you would tell everyone. I am sorry, but it looks like he
wants you to be his friend. Does he have other friends?"

"Oh, yes, a ton. I saw him greeting and joking around with a whole bunch of
people around the campus. He hangs with couple other guys in the cafeteria
all of the time. Cool people. Popular people. Why me? Why am I on his list
of people that he wants to hang around with? What he finds in me? I am not
like his other friends. I am not a jock; I don't go to the games or hang
around talking about girls and cars. Why is he taunting me?" I cried in
despair.

"He is not taunting you, Matt. You have to realize that you have plenty of
qualities. Maybe he wants someone to talk about different things, not just
girls, beer, and cars," Mary replied.

"...or bikes." I finished her sentence, bitterly. Sometimes sarcasm is my
favorite weapon. Bikes? I don't know squat about those, either. In my mind,
there was nothing that I could offer to Hayden as a friend. Then why he was
still hanging around me? I couldn't figure that out.

We ended up talking for more than two hours. That was nothing strange for
us, except the fact that all we did was talk about my problems. It was easy
to converse with Mary, even about stuff that was so complicated, since she
had a way to put me back in the line.

"Look, Matt, you cannot be sitting on two chairs like that. You need to
cool yourself off, otherwise you are gonna do something stupid. I don't
want to see another Aaron episode with you."

Oh, she didn't even bother to sugarcoat this one at all. Aaron Grey was a
quarterback at my high school. He was a typical All-American jock: tall,
muscular, with surfer-type dirty blond hair and blue eyes. He knew that he
was good looking, and he was using that to allow himself a lot. Arrogant
and full of himself, he was center of attention of his teammates and
peers. That did not stop most of the girls to be swept away by his good
looks and confidence. Half of the girls were in love with him. Half of the
girls...and me

It really hit me in my last year of high school. I was so infatuated with
his character that I was even going to football games so I could see him
play. It became on obsession, and I liked every minute of it. I even had
couple pictures of him in my room: one in his football jersey, kneeling
with one hand holding the football. Other one was of him posing for the
camera, showing his round biceps flexed and flashing that devilish smile
that was driving girls crazy. I never had courage to speak to him; he was
not in any of my classes, so the only time I could see him was in the
cafeteria or on the field. Unfortunately, all that fantasy started to show:
my grades started to slip, and in three months I lost so much weight that
my parents almost send me to a doctor. Luckily, Aaron's family moved to
California, so I managed to get back to normal life. But that still left
plenty of opportunity for Mary to remind me what kind of sucker I am. And
today was one of those days

"I would still tell Hayden about how you feel, and let the ball roll from
there." she suggested.

"Its easy for you to say that...I can't. I rather be around him and live a
lie, than risk-"

"Risk what? You think that he will go and tell everybody about you? He
doesn't sound like that kind a person," Mary snapped at me.

"No, not that...its more like...more like that if I tell him...he will
withdraw from me." I finished.

At that moment, before Mary actually said anything, I knew what she was
thinking and what she was going to say to me.

"Maybe that would be better for you at this moment."

Even I knew that sentence was coming, it still stung. I clenched my jaw,
refusing to let her know how much I wanted her not to say what I knew it
was true. Bitterness was pooling in my mouth, making talking even more
difficult.

"You do understand why I'm saying this to you?" Mary pressed on.

I knew. I knew, because she was not telling me anything that I haven't
thought about before, or at least not anything new. She was just making it
official.

I need to cool off - to get away from Hayden.

"You can't have him." The sentence echoed in my brain again.

"Yes...I know." I whispered into the phone. I could hear her sigh on the
other side. As much as I was in need of her shoulder to lean on right now,
I wasn't going to dump my problems on her. I tried to sound more cheerful:

"But hey, at least I can go on with my life now."

She chuckled. I knew that she was trying to make the whole situation
lighter for both of us.

"You need to learn to lie better, kiddo."

"Well you need to be a better teacher then," I replied, smiling as
well. The tension was going away, letting us talk more relaxed now. We
finished our conversation on more comfortable note.

I closed my phone, but I was still feeling terribly empty inside. I knew
she was right. The friendship with Hayden was totally screwing me up,
making even every day task difficult to focus on. It was definitively
unhealthy way to live your life, and definitively not good for focusing on
studying.

I made conscious decision to cut off Hayden from my life as much as
possible.


(Hayden's point of view)

Grunting, I finished last set of exercises on the cable fly machine. I
waved to one of guys that was just coming into the gym as I headed to the
locker room. After I took a shower and changed to clean clothes, life
seemed more pleasant. I got back into my car and started driving back home,
stretching my sore muscles along the way. This week has been grueling for
me: two midterm exams and several papers. The past few days were a
bitch. Luckily, on Thursdays I only had a couple of easy classes and then
the evening off, so I was definitively looking forward for some relaxation
tonight. Driving back home, my mind drifted towards the fact that I haven't
heard from Matt in almost a week. With all the homework that I had in
beginning of the week, I made myself not to think about him. Now, I started
to be increasingly worried. I realized that last time that we spoke was in
the park, and that was Friday, six days ago. Since than, he hasn't called
me, and I haven't seen him on campus either. Of course, explanation might
be as simple as the fact that he had midterms as well; after all, the
schedule was the same for him and me. And yet, anxious ideas started to
course trough my head. The more I pondered about it, the more it troubled
me. Why did I have the compulsive need to tell him all that stuff about me?
I must have scared him away. Or at least now he thinks that I'm a freak who
is medicated just enough to appears to be normal on the surface, while
waiting to have something to set him off and start to break stuff around
him.

"Nice work, Hayden," I said out loud to myself. The silence from Matt's end
was confirming that theory. Now I didn't know at all should I call him or
not. Drumming with my fingers on the steering wheel, I mused about that
idea for couple seconds, and that I reached for my cell. Keeping one eye on
the road, I quickly dialed the number. Watching the road, I listened
nervously as I waited for the phone to start to ring on the other side. It
rung couple times, and than my eyes glanced at the clock on the
dashboard. It was only 8:15 am! I quickly closed my phone, ending the
call. As nervous as I was, I had to laugh at my stupidity.

"Not everybody is awake at this hour, you idiot." I scolded myself.

Well, I guess I'll have to wait. I assumed that Matt had classes today, but
I didn't know his Thursday schedule. Oh well, I guess I will have to be
patient with that.

Trouble is, patience was never one of my virtues, and now it was wearing
thin. Plus, I was getting pissed at myself for being impulsive and reaching
for the cell phone, just like some spoiled brat who is used to have every
wish granted immediately. I knew better than that. And on top of that, the
presence of some annoying feeling that I couldn't quite understand was
still pestering me. It was like feeling that I need to do or finish
something, like something is been missing from my life. It was a pesky
thing that was sitting in the back of my brain and didn't want to emerge
fully so I could deal with it.

When I got back home, I just had enough time to change and to grab my
backpack. On my way out I changed my mind about taking the car to go back
to school; I was itching for a ride, and what better way to cure that
problem than nice, fast ride to school and back. In no time at all, I was
out on my bike, carefully warming up engine and tires. I decided not to
take highway to school in favor of my favorite road that was carving some
nice twisty curves try one of the local forest. It was little longer than
taking the highway, but it was much more interesting and less crowded. In
couple minutes I exited the subdivision and got my bike up to speed. As I
leaned the bike in the first corner, I felt the familiar rush of adrenaline
as I twisted the throttle, and a smile came across my face. This
definitively beats droning on the boring highway.

I got to school with ten minutes to spare. As I was walking towards my
lecture building, I realized that I left my cell phone in my car. I
remember that I tossed it in one of the cubbyholes in the dashboard, and
never bothered to take it out. It wasn't a big deal, but I was really
wanted to call Matt this morning. Secretly, I was hoping that he would be
able to meet me somewhere on campus. I knew I didn't have any valid reason
to see him nor to call him, but I didn't care. Well, I guess that will have
to wait until I go back home. Again, situation was required patience that I
had very little of. A wave of completely irrational ideas came upon me:

"What if something happened to him? Or, if he decided to drop out and go
back home? I will never be able to track him down or to see him again. What
if..."

I caught myself working out possible scenarios why is Matt not calling
me. I almost slapped myself. Maybe he is just been busy like you have
been. Maybe he lost your number. Maybe he just doesn't want to call you.

That was it.

I realized where all the apprehension is coming from. I was afraid that
Matt doesn't want talk to me anymore.

As I was climbing the hall stairs, I was finding more and more reasons to
support that theory. It did make sense: we had some kind of a friendship
going on until I found him almost hiding on the park bench, and started
telling him things about my past that no one had heard from me before. He
has a right to feel stalked, freaked, and maybe even scared.

I need to call him, as soon as possible.

(Matt's point of view)

I clenched the phone in my fist. It was a hard decision, but I managed not
to answer. Besides, it only rang two times, then he hung up. Now the
phone's screen was illuminating silently, like it was mocking me with its
"Missed call" message. Indeed, I missed that call, in more ways than just
that one.

Past few days has been hard on me. Besides midterm exams, I had whole bunch
of stuff that was coursing through my head. Exams took a lot of my time,
plus I was still preoccupied with idea about renting my own place. And on
top of that, my decision to try to forget Hayden as much as possible, it
wasn't going as planned. Despite the fact that I was true to my promise not
to call him or contact him otherwise, it did nothing about clearing my head
from thoughts of him. It had reached steady stage of yearning, where I
would catch myself daydreaming of him. And it wasn't just that I would
visualize Hayden alone. My thoughts were about us doing stuff
together. Like that time when we studied in his kitchen, or sitting on the
park bench, or just hanging out. But in those moments, in my thoughts and
daydreams, Hayden would be more involved with me... just like that time
when he was hugging that blond girl at the movies.

Thoughts of Hayden being physical like that with me would fill my whole
body with strange mixture of both desire and fright at the same time. I
knew that thinking of something like that would only cause more turmoil in
my poor head, but I just couldn't stop. Visions of Hayden's strong hands on
me and his arms around me, embracing my body, would make me shudder with
unease. And after that, my body would be filled with a cold emptiness
instead of warmth. And that feeling of emptiness was getting worse and
worse as time went by.  It was like picking an old scab - you knew it was
bad, but you just couldn't help it or stop yourself from doing it.

The following several days went by quickly; I was deliberately staying out
of my dorm as much as possible, realizing that if I keep myself busy with
something, I was thinking less of my quandary. Trouble is, as much as I
wanted to stay out of Hayden's life, he wasn't going to let me go that
easily. I completely forgot that there are two players in this equation,
and he wasn't following the plan that I intended for myself.

Hayden called me again on Friday evening, then again on Sunday
afternoon. And again on Wednesday morning while I was in class. This time
he left me a message:

"Hi Matt, it's Hayden. Um, I didn't hear from you for a long time, I was
just wondering if everything all right with you. If you want to, just gimme
a call back whenever you can. Bye."

I replayed it again and again, enjoying tone of his message and kept it as
"Saved", so I could torment myself some more. I simply loved just to listen
to his voice, day in and day out. That voice would send a tingle down my
spine, and cause shivers in my hands. I memorized the whole sentence, even
the slight hesitation that he placed in it, along with very polite request
for a call back. I couldn't help but notice the civility of his sentence,
and the way he left completely up to me if I wanted to call him at all or
not.

Things like that mean a lot to me, speaking volumes about person's
character and ability to avoid self-centrism, which is so common these
days. Even without him contacting me directly, Hayden was making more and
more of an impact on me. But what really set me in motion was the urgency
and worry that was evident in his voice, although he was sounding calm and
reassured. It was there, just barely, just enough to be missed if you are
not listening carefully. Worrying tone in his voice was just too much for
me to handle.

I paced my room for several minutes, until Steven yelled at me to quit or
get out. I grabbed my jacket and simply flew downstairs to the park next to
my quad. I forced myself to calm my breathing enough so I could talk
normally, but my hands were still shaky when I dialed him back. It rang
couple times, making me think that he won't answer, but I was wrong.

"Hello?"

"Hi Hayden, it's Matt."

"Matt? Hey, whatsup man! Haven't heard from you in so long, I was afraid
that you went back home or something." He sounded cheerful and worried at
the same time.

"No, I was just busy." Busy? Even that sounded hollow as an excuse. How can
I be that busy not to pick up the phone? I was dipping into shady stories
again, and I didn't like one bit.

"I mean, I was busy, but didn't get a chance to call you...I mean
didn't..." my brain betrayed me. How is that that I have no problem saying
shady stuff directly to his face, and yet when I want to tell the truth, my
tongue just quit working?

"Nah, its ok, man. I've been slammed with all my midterms, so I totally
understand when you are not in the mood to talk to anybody." He saved me
from future stuttering, which only led to my next blunder:

"No, I wanted to call you to talk, but..."

Oh crap. This "tell the truth" deal is really not working out for me. Dig
yourself out from this one, Matt!

"...but...I..." Despite temperature in mid-fifties that day, I started to
sweat. I forgot how it is difficult for me to talk to him, how I start
babbling incoherently so easily and yet stuff that I want to say simply
don't leave my mouth. The moment started to be too prolonged and I was
becoming aware of that fact all too clearly. This time he was also
hesitating, leaving me with half of my sentences still hanging. I inhaled
and just when I was going to say something, he said:

"Can I see you?"

If I was a stuttering mess a second ago, now I was stumped. With my mouth
still open, I started to shiver, still trying to say something.

"...I mean, if you want to...and if you are here on campus." he finished.

" Um...yes, sure. I can meet you." I managed to croak.

" Same bench, near Phys Ed complex?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Ok, see you then in a few."

"Ok...bye"

I closed my phone. Now what! All the previous days, almost two weeks I had
been trying so hard to avoid this from happening, and one phone call and
I'm back at zero. Staring at the ground, I could sense my mind racing,
searching for possibilities for an answer. The easiest thing to do was to
just go, and enjoy seeing Hayden. Just let go of all worries and go with
the flow in this current

Trouble is, such easygoingness and worry-free moment was not something that
I could do. There was too much going on to even try something like that. I
knew that chance of me spilling my guts to him about everything that's been
bothering me would be hitting too close to home. Or, should I just go with
it and just deal with consequences later?

This sucks.

 I jumped on my feet - I had to get going. I almost broke into a run- I was
going to see him again!


(Hayden's Point of view)

This time I had advantage of seeing Matt arriving. From across the grass
field in between football and lacrosse field, I could see him, walking
briskly toward the benches. I could not look away as he was approaching me,
taking in his every detail.

It was funny how I even liked the way he was walking. He held his head
straight up and his shoulders squared, as almost as he was on the
runway. Far from the over-exaggerated unnatural walking that models are
actually displaying, he managed to look graceful, yet masculine,
and...simply stylish. His aristocratic facial features on his slender
figure only further complemented the whole picture. He was wearing a pair
of faded jeans paired with just a t-shirt and a jacket. Nothing that would
evoke elegance or style, and yet the impression remained.

As he came closer, I noticed that his hair was a tad longer; he used to
have it smoothed forward with bangs sprouting upwards from his forehead,
much like my style; but now it was longer so it was forming bangs left and
right on his forehead. It made him look so...sexy!

Butterflies in my stomach churned again, just like when he called me back
fifteen minutes ago. When he called me I had to calm myself down by
breathing in and out a couple times. It has been almost two weeks since we
spoken last, and the sudden phone call from him threw me off balance.

As he came closer I saw that his eyes looked sunken and darker, like
someone who had a lot on their mind... and he looked tired.

"Hey Matt." I greeted him, hoping that he won't notice my nervousness. The
situation was awkward enough.

"Hi Nicky." He replied, smiling. God, I loved his smile! The look of
tiredness disappeared from his face in an instant. His eyes were sparkling
again, and his whole appearance was so full of life that he was simply
radiating youthful happiness.

"You look better than last time we met." I continued. The moment I said
that, I regretted it. Last thing I want to do at this moment was to open
the conversation with thing that brought me here today.

"Oh, thanks. You look good too." he replied. I waved towards the bench,
where we sat down.

"You done with your midterms?" I continued. I needed some more mindless
chitchat before I get to what brought me here.

"I dunno...I guess I'll find out next week. I know I did good on Biology,
but I kinda messed with Chem."

We sat in silence for couple moments. I noticed that he was studying me,
but I didn't want to turn and face him. Not yet. One more moment. Just so I
can recoup enough to sound intelligent.

Aw, screw it; I need to get this done. I took deep breath and made myself
look up to him.

"Matt, I owe you an apology...I don't know what happened to me and why I
had the need to unload myself with all my crap on you that Friday...it's
not something that I normally do, and it just doesn't feel right to me
to...um, tax you with all the stuff that I did in the past. Ever since then
I felt like an idiot...and I was afraid that I might have scared you
away. That is the last thing that I want to do. I...I don't know what got
into me to tell you all that. I mean, that is stuff that I don't like to
discuss with my own family, and yet, it didn't bother me one bit to impart
on you, when you have all your own stuff and problems going on. I am sorry
that I put you through that." I finally finished my chatter and looked back
at him. To my surprise, he had a bewildered look on his face.

"You...you want to...apologize to... ME?" he stuttered after couple very
long moments of uncomfortable silence. His eyes remained locked on mine,
his brows displaying that uncomfortable mixture of anxiety. Before I could
even say something, he added hastily: "It is me who needs to apologize!
I...I've been ignoring you for...no real good reason, and you are the last
person to deserve that! Sometimes I really wonder how I have any friends at
all the way I'm acting sometimes. I hate myself for the fact that I
couldn't find two minutes to call you, and I know you've been calling
me. It's not fair to you, and I'm really sorry for treating you like
that. Its just...I'm still trying to figure something out in my life, and I
cannot get to -"

"Matt." I said quietly. I had to stop him, it was obvious to me that he has
lot on his mind that he is trying to deal with and that this issue was
stressing him out. He stopped in mid-sentence, resting his eyes on
me. Instantly he calmed down. I could see his shoulder relaxing and his
face losing the tension that was present only a minute ago.

"It's ok dude. I was just afraid that I freaked you out that night and
scared you away. I really don't want to do such a thing."

 "Oh Hayden...you didn't do nothing of the sort. I cannot believe that you
could think that this is your fault! I'm such an idiot for not calling you!
I shoulda...Oh, I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry." He finished, burying his
eyesight somewhere at the concrete walkway between us.


Feeling somewhat confused, I remained silent for couple moments, just
looking at him. He shifted uncomfortably, and then sat up, looking me
straight into the eyes:

"Hayden, I won't let this happen again. I'm sorry."

I hardly heard his last sentence. Again, I was riveted by his gaze that he
shot across the bench that I barely comprehend what he said. He was looking
at me with such a determination that I knew he meant every word he
said. But I just couldn't open my mouth to respond to him. He was looking
at me for a full second, and then he tilted his head. There was a slight
change in his expression as his emotions had changed.

"Hayden?" His look shifted slightly from anxiety to question.

I gave him a smile. I felt enormous relief, since all the things that I
have been worried about weren't real. But I was still nervous about
something that I couldn't quite place my finger on. I decided to be open
with him:

"Don't beat yourself about it, man. I just hate being intrusive towards
people, and since I don't know you that well, I started to think that you
don't want to be treated like that. I hate pushy people, and I felt like I
was one of those, and I was pressuring you."

"No, no...I...it wasn't that! It's just that I still have to deal with a
lot of crap in my life right now, so I decided to figure out where I am and
go from there. I don't want to be someone who constantly needs help to
figure things out." He finished.

"Matt, I don't mind helping you out. I already told you so. I really like
you and I don't see you as burden as long as I don't have to physically
carry your ass around." I smiled.

He laughed at my joke, dissipating tension that was built between us. I
loved him in that moment: relaxed, smiling, and easy going. I wish I could
make him act like that all of the time. But in an instant that moment was
gone, like he pulled up a curtain or a wall around himself.

"Thanx, man... I really like to hang around you." He became quiet again. I
sensed that there is a lot more to him than he is ready to disclose, and I
didn't wanted to pressure him.

He broke the silence with a question that sounded like it took a lot of
effort for him to say: "Do you...wanna go to see a movie or
something...this Friday?" he looked at me tentatively.

I was half way to agree, when I remember that I promised Courtney that
we'll go out on the same night.

"I can't...I already made some plans." I replied.

"Oh, okay then." He tried to hide his disappointment but did poor job at
it. His eyes went dark again and he sunk his gaze to the ground. I just
couldn't let him hang like that:

"But you can call me on Saturday morning, or I'll call you if you prefer it
that way. Maybe we can grab a pizza or something together."

"Yeah, that sounds okay, I guess."  He was still looking at the ground, and
then he looked around like he remembered that he has something else to do.

"Um, I gotta go. I have an afternoon class to go to, I don't want to be
late."

"Ok, man, no problem" I replied as he stood up. I got up too, and we were
facing each other again. I looked at him, as he was gawking around acting
as he had something else to say. He jammed his hands in his jeans pockets
and said quietly:

"I...I appreciate you being so thoughtful, Hayden. Not many people that I
know would be as considerate as you are. I wish that there is was a way
to...-" his voice trailed off as he looked away again, like he was seeking
the proper word. Feelings started to churn in me again. He looked so
insecure, so vulnerable that I was on the verge of embracing him in the
hug. I felt my abs tightening from desire for physical contact. As if
something from inside of my body wanted to come out to him and comfort his
apprehension.

He looked back at me and smiled, like he brushed away some thought that was
clouding his mind. "I'm glad that I know you, Nicky," he said simply.

I almost gulped. He was being so sincere that I couldn't just speak clearly
after that.

"Um, thanks... so...just give me a call so maybe we can meet. Or call me
even if you just want to talk, ok?" I shot him a smile back.

"Okay." This time he was grinning. We bumped our fist against each other
and then he took off.

I started to walk towards parking lot, feeling a lot better. So, I was
wrong. He wasn't being freaked out; he just has a lot on his mind. That was
a relief - at least I didn't scare him away. I placed a lot at stake when I
asked him to meet me today, and in such rude manner. But I simply had to
get it out of my system. The thought of him fading from my life was too
disturbing.

And again, I acted hastily. This time it turned to be a good thing, since
it gave me a chance to talk to him, but I knew that I was getting too
impulsive again, and only when I'm next to him. In the rest of my life, I
was as composed as always. But Matt was obviously pushing a lot of my
buttons that I thought I was in control of. And there was more than that. I
still had that nagging feeling that there is more to that story than he is
telling me. It was bothering me, but I was not about to ask Matt about
it. He has a right to his privacy. And I knew better than to pry - I hated
whenever people were trying to dig stuff out of me, so I would never do
that to someone else. No matter how much I would love to find out what was
bothering him, that was none of my business.

I got into my car and grinned silently. It is good to be wrong from time to
time.


(Matt's point of view)

I finished conversation with one of landlords from the newspaper that I was
holding in front of me. I was sitting in coffee shop inside a local strip
mall, about 10 miles from campus. I was still trying to find decent place
to live. I had couple interesting places that I visited; one of them was
almost perfect, but family's son was returning from Navy in two months,
which would force me to look for room again two weeks before semester would
end, and that was not acceptable. But this next lead was promising: it was
just two more miles away, but price was tempting and landlord had the place
recently remodeled. The only thing that was confusing me was that she was
describing a ride through the forest to get there, which I was getting a
little worried about. But hey, it was third of a price than rooms'
downtown, so I was willing to give it a try. We agreed that I could come
and take look at the room this afternoon, which would still leave me time
to go back to the dorm and maybe get some homework done. Than I remembered
it was Friday: "What a hell I was thinking about? Friday is spelled 'Party'
around here for sure." I mused. Last Friday I went to local bookstore that
was open late and stayed there until 11pm, and then went back to the dorm,
so that I wouldn't have to deal with loud music for so long. When I got
into the room, only thing that was louder than music thumping downstairs
was Steven's snoring. He had headphones connected to his laptop and he was
sleeping through the whole ordeal without even bothering to take his shoes
off. I must admit that I envied him: I could never fall asleep in noisy
surroundings.

I spend another hour strolling try the mall, than I got into my car and
start driving all the way through suburbs along the highway. According to
the lady that I spoke to, couple miles ahead there was an exit for the road
that would lead me trough forest to the town where her house was. It took
me almost an hour to get to it; the afternoon rush hour was hard to
negotiate as people were pouring into subdivisions along the highway. I
made mental note to myself to avoid traveling here at this hour. Finally I
got to the country road that she had described and I was pleasantly
surprised by lack of traffic. The road entered the forest and became twisty
combination of hills and dips, leading me through it. It was a very scenic
route and I began to enjoy the scenery, with all the fall colors of the
trees

I was humming along with the stereo when the car engine suddenly quit. I
panicked a little bit since there was no warning, but I managed to pull off
onto the shoulder and stop the car safely. I tried to start the engine over
several times, but without success. I got out of the car and lifted the
hood, looking for something obviously wrong there.  "Who are you fooling
Matt? You don't even know how to check the oil in there." I pondered to
myself. I closed the hood and returned to the car. Outside was getting
considerably colder and windy, and I only had my sweatshirt on. Back in the
car, I reached for my cell phone, but there was no signal. Besides, whom
would I call? I didn't have AAA or a number to any of the towing companies
around here. I mused over my situation for several minutes. If I stay here,
I could count on someone passing by and maybe giving me a ride. Or I can
start going on foot, doubling my chances by getting to a gas station or
somewhere that I could use the phone, plus I could hitchhike along the
way. That sounded like valid plan. After all, I had years of hiking behind
me, so I wasn't afraid walking several miles on the paved road. I tried
again to start the engine several times without success, so I gathered my
stuff and got out of my car.

The sunlight was fading on the horizon, so I locked the car and set a brisk
pace. I started to take pleasure in my little misfortune: this was an
adventure! The air was crisp and filled with smell of autumn trees and
shrubbery, and I was enjoying site of fantastic fall colors of the
forest. The wind has started to pick up a little, but I wasn't worried,
since I was warm enough with my sweatshirt and fast walking.


(Hayden's point of view)

"Well I'm glad that it wasn't me who choose this garbage." I thought,
trying to pay attention to action on the screen. Or lack of it. It was
Courtney's choice to see this movie, and one thing was certain: it was a
chick-flick all the way. Not that I am against romantic movies, but this
was so watered down and drawn out that I was barely stifling my yawning. I
don't think that Courtney was having a good time either. We both just sat
silently in half-empty theater. Finally, the movie finished and both of us
got out of our seats. I could sense tension building between us, I just
couldn't figure out exactly why. We got out in the parking lot, and I
placed my arm around her shoulder as we walked slowly towards my car; our
breaths visible like clouds of steam. I decided to take Caddy since it was
more luxurious than my sporty Golf, but Courtney turned her nose up at it
in mock snobbishness when I was picking her up earlier that evening:

"I cannot believe that you are driving this...this old geezer's car! Where
on earth did you get it? Retirement home?" she giggled as she walked around
it to get inside.

"Hey, this car is faster than your Honda...as a matter of fact, it is
faster than a LOT of cars out there. And it's funeral home, not retirement
home where I got it." I played along, pretending that I'm offended. She
made a show getting along side of the passenger side, pretending that she
has a walker. It cracked me up. I laughed and we both got in.

But now, she was quiet as I opened the door for her. She barely said a word
on the way back to her home. It started to rain, making the streets shiny
with lights reflecting off the wet pavement.

The silence in the car seemed only emphasized with very quiet stereo that I
left on low volume. When I stopped the car in front of her apartment
building, she looked at me and spoke:

"Hayden. I'm sorry that you had such crappy time tonight."

I looked at her in surprise.

"Hey, no need to apologize. Its not your fault that movie wasn't what I
usually go to see. Chick flicks are not my cup of tea - it doesn't mean
that it was a bad movie."

"Yeah, it was. But there is something else that is bothering me." She was
biting her lip now. Wow, something was really bothering her.

"Hayden, I'm getting mixed signals from you. You are very nice guy, and I
like to be with you, but you...you seem distant. Like there is someone else
in your life besides me. Maybe it's just me getting inpatient. Maybe I'm
just paranoid or stupidly jealous over nothing, but that is how I feel. I
guess this insecurity is there because I never had been with a guy who
wants to be with me, and at the same time...is so far-away."

I sighed.

She was right. And there was no good explanation for me to give to her. I
didn't know myself where I am with my feelings toward her or...I shook my
head. This is getting complicated.

"Well to tell you that I know what is going on in my head won't be true. I
don't want to be dishonest to anybody...and I certainly don't want to lie
to you. Truth is...I don't know where I am right now. You are right - I
haven't sorted out all the shit in my head. Ever since the divorce I've
been off from the dating scene - and by choice. And I've been perfectly
fine with that until a month ago. And then -" I didn't finished. Courtney
interrupted me, almost in bewilderment:

"You've been married? When?"

"Until one year ago. I was married for two years, and I'm still in process
of divorcing Melissa - and it is not going easy. And that is very condensed
version." I finished, looking at the steering wheel.

Courtney remained silent for couple moments, and spoke again:

"Wow, I guess I didn't see that coming. Are you still in love with her?"

"No, no I'm not! 'It's not going easy' is referred to trouble that I have
over the paperwork and correspondence that I have to deal with the lawyer -
not over any remaining feelings."

"Oh, I see. Sorry...I guess that is why you are so reluctant to get into
any relationship right now, " she nodded her head.

"Well...I guess so. At least you know why I'm so...distant. I really hate
to be that way, but I don't want to fake any feelings. I was never good at
lying - and I'm not going to start it with you either. I - I'm sorry for
the shitty situation that I'm placing you in because of that." I looked at
her, and for a change she smiled.

"Its all right, Hayden. I guess that now I know about this I should be
relieved it's not some other girl."

I shot her half smile, and then she leaned over and gave me quick peck on
the cheek.

"Thanks for telling me that. I guess I'll should take this slower than I
planned." She winked at me and exited the car.

I started to drive back home. I felt relief for giving her somewhat valid
explanation why I want to keep my distance, and at the same time I felt
like crap for not able to tell her the whole truth. But on the other side,
I didn't know Courtney that well. I wasn't afraid that she would tell the
whole school that I'm gay or something like that. It was just something
that it was too personal to share with...anyone.

Immersed in my thoughts, I didn't even notice that it started to rain very
hard. Only when I tried to stop abruptly at the traffic light and car
started to slide sideways, I realized that street is really slippery. I
snapped from my thoughts and started to pay attention to road. Soon I was
on highway, but shortly I realized that there was an accident somewhere
ahead, jamming all the lanes with cars so I decided to take different
route. With rain turning into thunderstorm I had to slow down.  After
twenty minutes of crawling through the suburbs, I got onto road back
home. The rain and wind were beating on the car so hard that it was making
it shake and wobble so I was driving with caution. Now I was regretting
decision to take Caddy tonight; with its rear-wheel drive it wasn't best of
the choice for slippery roads. I passed one car that was parked on the
shoulder; it was barely visible in pouring rain. I turned the radio down,
truing to concentrate on the road while bands of rain where dancing on the
hood. Several miles of crawling try the storm passed while I was carefully
negotiating the road watching rain being picked by the wind flailing over
the pavement.

As I was descending through one of sweeping curves, I noticed something
moving on the side of the road. It took a double take to recognize that it
was a person walking, hunched over with hands stuffed deep into his
pockets.  "What a shitty day for a walk" I thought. I slowly passed the
guy, debating should I stop or not. After all, it was late at night and
people don't' usually go for a walk around here. I decided to stop, making
sure that the doors are locked and then I rolled the passenger window
down. You never know what you might encounter on conditions like this. Rain
and wind started to rush inside while the guy made his way to the car. I
saw two white hands gripping the door as he leaned in. I could see that his
sweatshirt is soaked so badly that it was hanging from his body like a
rag. His head was covered with hoodie, equally drenched with water,
preventing me from seeing his face. He started to lift his hand to get
soaked hood from his face.

"Bad day for a walk, huh b- ?" I started to say and than I froze in mid
sentence. I could swear that my heart stopped beating for a moment. Like in
a horror movie, guy slowly lifted his hood, revealing ghostly pale face,
framed with hair glued to his forehead and pair of blue eyes.

Eyes that I knew too well.

Eyes that were looking at me feebly while he was trying to utter something:

"H...Ha...Hayd-en..."

I was still frozen, with my mouth half open in shock. It took me almost
half of minute to grasp the concept of Matt's presence outside in this
storm, holding to the door of my car. I lounged outside, running around the
car toward him. He was just standing there, waiting for me to get to him,
shivering in the downpour. I swung the passenger door open and helped him
to sit down in the seat. He resembled a doll, not capable of moving on his
own. I had to help him to get his feet inside of the car. He was just
sitting there, incapable of speaking, except still trying to say my name
with trembling lips.

The only thing that it was racing trough my mind was how cold he was. His
hands were like blocks of ice; sweatshirt was dripping ice-cold rainwater
over my hands, telling me that he was walking in this storm for a while.

"Jesus...Matt...we need to get you out of these clothes...and fast"

I started to work to get his sweatshirt off, but it wasn't easy. His hands
were so stiff that it took considerable effort to get his clothes off
him. Luckily I had my gym bag in the trunk, so I rushed to get it. I knew I
had an old sweatshirt along some t-shirts in there; I also found a towel,
but I didn't have any sweat pants. "I guess that will have to
wait... hopefully it shouldn't matter that much," I thought, as I was
rummaging through the bag.  I grabbed the towel and clothes and rushed to
his side, where he was trying to get his soaked sneakers off his feet. I
handed him a towel and grabbed his sneakers. Both shoelaces, soaked with
rain snapped off in my hands as I was rushing to get them off. I helped to
dry him off and to put dry clothes on, noticing worryingly how pale his
whole body had become. He was so ghostlike that I was seriously worried
about him. While I was rubbing his hands in mine to warm them up, I looked
up to him, meeting his shaky gaze.

"You gonna be ok, buddy...just hang in there. We'll fix this up in no
time. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you."

It was more encouragement to me than to him, as he was looking at me, with
his colorless lips trembling.

"Ha-...Hayden..." It was more of whisper than a voice. I had to hurry up.

I closed his door and then I rushed back in the driver's seat. Turning on
the heater to max, I shifted the car into gear and slammed on the gas in
haste. The heavy Cadillac swayed left and right, trying to find enough grip
on slippery road. I eased off the throttle and car finally swayed onto the
right path.

I looked over to him, getting increasingly worried. I was wondering that
maybe I should turn around and take him to the hospital instead. I decided
to keep a close eye on him for next couple minutes and then decide what to
do. I was wondering if hypothermia has set in already. It was encouraging
that he wasn't sleepy - that was good sign; but his whole upper body looked
like it was completely drained of blood.

I tried to start the conversation:

"Dude...what a hell where you doing out there?" I glanced towards him. He
had his eyes riveted on me, still too shaky to talk. Slowly, he lifted his
hands in front of the heater vent and started to rub them together. I had
to keep my eyes on the road, but every once in a while I would glance at
him. Slowly, very slowly he started to form words:

"My car...broke...down...back t-there."

"That was your car? Holy cow, that was miles away from where I picked you
up! How long you have been in that rain?"

" I...I dun-no..." he replied, gazing out the windshield into the night.

We drove in silence for several minutes. I noticed that he was moving a
little more, trying to rub his shoulders.

"This is...a...good...s-song," he stuttered pointing towards the stereo.

"Huh? Oh, yeah - 'Hoobastank'. They are ok." I replied, taking another
glimpse at him. It was hard for me to see how he was doing in the dimly lit
conditions inside of the car.

We were entering town. My place was only minutes away, but I decided to
slow down. There was no reason to get into the accident now, when we were
so close to home. After few more turns, I pulled into the driveway and
opened the garage to get the car in. Matt managed to get out on his own,
but he was still walking like robot up to the house, leaving wet footprints
of his bare feet on the floor behind him. His jeans were still dripping
water as I led him to the bathroom.

"Matt, I want you to get into the shower and don't get out until you are
thawed. Do you understand me?"

He nodded his head and a trace of smile came upon his face for my joke
attempt, and then he got in there and turned the water on. Before I exited
the bathroom, I looked at him one more time. His face was still ashen
white, but color was coming back into his lips.

"I'll get you some dry clothes...I'll toss it on the floor inside. You can
pull the shower curtain behind you so you can have some privacy. Ok?"

"O...Ok," he replied, and than turned to me and locked his feverish eyes
onto mine.

"Nic-ky...Thank...you."

This time I didn't even think twice. I hugged him, feeling his cold face on
the side of my neck. He barely reacted, but for that brief second as I was
holding him, I could feel him relaxing.

"Its all right buddy...now get in there," I patted his shoulder.

He dutifully turned away and got into the bathtub. I climbed upstairs and
got some of my clothes that would fit him. Luckily, he was about my height;
so most of my clothes should do fine for this occasion. I grabbed a
sweatshirt and sweatpants, along with a t-shirt, boxer shorts and pair of
socks.

Descending the stairs, I could hear water in the shower. I knocked on the
door, and without peeking in, I dropped the clothes on the floor. Then I
went in to the kitchen and pulled some stuff together for both of us to
eat.

Several minutes later, Matt emerged from the shower. He looked better; he
wasn't as pale as he was before, but I could still see that he was shaken
by this night's events.

I led him to the couch in the living room and gave him soup that I heated
in the microwave. Both of us sat down, not saying anything. He was
occasionally sipping his soup and watching TV; I had "Die Hard with
Vengeance" on, and Bruce Willis was racing behind the ambulance in
taxicab. Ordinary that chase would have my attention, but not tonight. My
attention and thoughts were affixed on pale, half-frozen boy sitting next
to me. I noticed that his hair was still wet; droplets of water were
glistening in the room's light. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a new
towel.

Matt was looking in the direction where I had disappeared, craning his head
so much that he was threatening to spill his soup. I came behind him,
wrapped the towel around his neck and gently started to dry his hair. At
first he tried to protest, but I gently shushed him. He relaxed, accepting
the attention I was giving to him. I could see that he had closed his eyes,
now relaxing and enjoying the warmth and rubbing that he was receiving. The
thought flashed through my head that this was something I had wanted to do
for a very long time - to touch him, to take care of him. However, at this
moment, there was no sexual connotation. I felt nothing but concern for
him. It felt just likeI would drying a hair of my younger brother, if I had
one. I finished with the towel and tossed it in the bathroom, and then
returned to the couch.

"You want a blanket?" I asked. He shook his head, silently, and then
changed his mind and actually spoke: "No, no thank you."

We sat quietly for the rest of the movie, and then I went upstairs to spare
bedroom. I had to clear bunch of crap that I had there, since it was
serving as closet and utility room at the same time. After clearing some
space, I made up bed for Matt. I tossed extra blanket on it and left the
floor lamp on. When I came downstairs, he was already nodding his head. I
took the empty soup bowl that was sitting on the coffee table in front of
him to the kitchen. When I came back, he was awake, but barely.

"I made you a bed in the spare bedroom. It's upstairs and than to the
left. Or, if you want you can stay here as well, but downstairs gets cold
during the night." He nodded his head, and then stood up. He looked like
someone who had run a marathon. Very slowly, he went upstairs. I stay up
for another hour, finishing some stuff and then I went upstairs too. He
left the door to the room slightly open: I could hear his even breathing in
the dark. I paused in the hallway for a minute or so, listening to his
breathing, and then I went to my room. This night was too stressful for
both of us and I needed rest as well.


(Matt's point of view)

I was trying to run, but it was like I was moving through molasses. My
hands and feet were weighing a ton each, and despite the fact that I was
pushing and pulling with all my strength, I wasn't moving at all. I felt
cold water rushing over me and I knew I'd drown if I don't do something. I
could feel it climbing up my torso and taking a hold of my neck with its
deadly grip. I opened my mouth but nothing was coming out as I was still
trying to swim away with my hands and feet that were not listening.


(Hayden's point of view)

There was a noise somewhere in the house. It woke me up but not enough to
open my eyes. I remained silent, still with eyes defiantly closed, but now
I was listening carefully. The sound didn't repeated itself, and it was
hard to recognize anything over the storm that was still going on. Sleep
started to lull me in over, when I heard it again. This time I was sure
that it was coming from inside of the house. I started to listen, this time
more awake.

Once more I heard strange clatter.

I couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought that it must be that the
storm had knocked off a rain gutter or something. But it sounded more like
it was inside, almost in the hallway in front of my room. I sat quietly in
my bed, listening.

Again, this time longer. And louder. It sounded like a sigh, and this time
I could recognize the sound of shuffling, like when clothes are being
shuffled during a walk. Or a heist.

  I jumped from the bed softly, grabbing my home defense weapon: aluminum
baseball bat that I had next to my bed. With that in my hand, I inched
forward toward hallway door, that I left half-open. I could see light from
hallway nightlight that I had there for midnight excursion to the
bathroom. I slowly nudged the door open, but the hallway was empty. My
heart was beating high in my throat as I glanced down the staircase. It was
dark and shadowy, so I started to advance slowly. My feet almost reached
first step when I heard the noise again, this time somewhere behind me.

It was coming from the room that Matt was sleeping in.

I turned around and swiftly got to the doorway. The room was dark, but my
eyes were adjusting so I could make out shapes in it. I advanced forward,
as I figured out where the stuff inside is. To the left was walk-in closet,
and on the right was a bookshelf and a floor lamp; next to it was my
snowboard that I didn't bother to find a place to put away last night. That
was how far I got before I realized what was happening.

It almost looked like Matt was fighting with somebody in the bed. His arms
were flailing and his whole body was struggling with sheets and
comforters. And there was muffled moaning coming from him. I dropped my bat
and in two steps I crossed the room and jumped on the bed.

"Matt." I tried to grab his hands, but it was hard for me to find them in
all that commotion that was going on.

"Matt!" I said louder this time. He stopped flailing with his arms, but his
body was still wrestling with covers underneath me.

"Matt!" I said again, this time finding his shoulders and gripping them
firmly. He pushed up against me, almost lifting himself off the bed, still
not fully awake. I had to yell his name again, and only then he finally
stopped fighting with me. I could see that his eyes opened, circling
wildly, and than he took in a deep, ragged breath. It took him several
moments to regain his senses and to begin to relax. I took my hands from
his shoulders, feeling relief myself. In the dark room I couldn't make out
his facial features clearly, but it looked like he had his eyesight firmly
on me. I remained sitting on the bed for another minute or so, making sure
that he had awaken fully from his dream. He was breathing almost normally
again, so I moved from the bed where I was sitting next to him.

Suddenly, a hand gripped my left wrist, stopping me in mid-motion. It was
so fast that it startled me, even if I knew that it was Matt who grabbed my
hand. I looked at him in surprise. His head was lifted from the pillow, and
even in the darkness of the room, with rain still beating hard on the
window, I could see that his eyes were riveted on me. I knew in an instant
what was wrong.

He was too scared to be left alone.

Without giving it one moment to think about it, I lifted the covers from
the side of the bed and slid next to him. He moved a little to give me more
space, and I put my arm around him. It was an impulsive move, that seemed
completely natural and innocent. Matt seemed to share the same thought with
me, and he nestled in my armpit quietly. A minute later, he was fast
asleep.

Staring at the ceiling, I was listening to his even breathing. I could feel
his breath on my arm every time he exhaled. While he was calm and peaceful,
I was a different story. Instead settling down, my mind started to race in
different directions, but one though was predominant.

I am sleeping with Matt in my arms.

The thought of it was so unreal and far-fetched that I had to re-assure
myself several times that it was true.

I am sleeping with Matt in my arms.

In me, concern was growing at an alarming pace. This is it. This is what I
wanted from the moment that I saw him the first time. For the first time in
my life, I am sleeping next to a guy. A male. A boy.

A beautiful blue-eyed boy.

Feelings started to churn in me again. Matt had caused so much commotion in
my life that it was hard to believe that he was laying next to me now.

And yet, the conflict in me was growing into the battle of emotions that
were forcefully colliding in me. I shouldn't be here. This is wrong. This
should not be happening.

This was meant to be just a fantasy, something that should never happen in
real life. Fantasies are not supposed to live up so you can feel their
heart beat on the palm of your hand underneath the covers next to you. And
it wasn't just the fact that it felt odd and strange. That was not
it. There was something else than just prosaic and simple notion of being
in the same bed with a guy. This was deeper and more profound.

In an instant, I realized where the apprehension and mixed emotions are
coming from.

Laying in bed with Matt snuggled next to me was feeling...just right. Just
like it is supposed to be.

That was it.

Whether I wanted to admit this to myself or not, the feeling of peace and
harmony started to fill my whole body, bringing me incredible tranquility.

I realized that the feeling that I had in the last couple months have
finally emerged. Like a train emerging suddenly from the tunnel at full
speed, a single feeling came upon me and took over, muffling all ambiguity
and uneasiness that was coursing through me moments ago.

With Matt in my arms, breathing softly next to me, I felt complete.


End of chapter 11


I do apologize to all of you guys who had been waiting impatiently for all
this time. I knew that I will be off from writing for a while when I
announced it, but this was far beyond my expectations. Good thing is that
now you have ch 11 to read and (hopefully) enjoy, while I struggle with
ch. 12 (in the making as we speak) and my chronic lack of time and sleep.

HF

P.S. Rip_Tide on Yahoo groups is always open for you to post questions and
comments.