Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2007 22:04:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Zare Scott <raspucin70@yahoo.com>
Subject: Rip Tide, Ch 12

Rip Tide chapter 12: The morning after


Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction.  It depicts a romance between
two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act
between two consenting adult males.  If you are not of legal age to read
this kind of story, please leave now.  If you reside in area where reading
stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males
are illegal, please leave now.  This story is for entertainment purposes
only.  Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a
coincidence.  The author retains all rights to this story.  It cannot be
reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author
(me).  Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com.
Copyright 2007


(Matt's point of view)



The room was quiet. It was so strange that I laid quietly for couple
moments, thinking about it. The dorm was never quiet. There was always some
noise: people walking by our room, talking too loud on their cell phones or
with each others, or running being late for classes. This was too
quiet. Even Steve would make some commotion, trying to be gentle in the
morning knowing how light of a sleeper I am. I opened my eyes.

The window was on the side of the room, instead above my head. Vaulted
ceiling. The absence of my desk, next to my bed. This is not my room! I lay
still for couple moments, trying to figure this out. This must be the room
that I was going to rent from Ms....whatshernameagain? I spoke with so many
people recently that I couldn't remember the name of the lady that I spoke
with yesterday. That piece of information didn't bother me at this moment
at all. I stretched myself in quiet pleasure, savoring my little
victory. Finally, a good night's sleep! This is what I was craving in the
past few months. With arms underneath my head, I was looking at the
ceiling, enjoying the quietness. I could remember that I had a dream doing
something with Nicky, but with not many details to remember: except him
smiling at me...and holding my hands, looking intensely at me with those
dark eyes of his. A smile broke to my lips. Not the first time I dreamed
about Hayden.

With that, more recollections started coming to me. Why did my legs hurt
like I just ran a mile? I couldn't figure that one out. I lazily rubbed my
eyes with the sleeve of blue t-shirt I was wearing, trying to get last bits
of sleep out of them.

Wait a minute...I don't own a blue, long-sleeved t-shirt with Nike logo on
it. I looked at it, in confusion. Then I looked around me more
carefully. This is the room that I rented last night? How come I don't
remember more details then? Actually...I don't remember any details about
it. There was a stack of magazines on the floor next to the door. A walk in
closet on my right. And a snowboard, leaning next to a bookshelf on the
left side. All of this was totally new to me. I propped myself in the bed,
looking around, and getting more and more baffled. On the wall next to me
was a big poster of a race bike, propped on its rear wheel while rider was
waving to the crowd.

A race bike.

Like a hurricane, pieces of last night events started to hit me from left
and right, pummeling my brain like it was a boxer's punching bag.

I am not in some room that I rented last night. I'm in Hayden's place! I am
here because he picked me last night when my car broke down.

Details about last night started to emerge, crowding my brain with images
that were surfacing too fast for me to process them. Before I managed to
put it all together, bits and pieces of last night flashed in my mind.

Hayden, sitting with me on the couch. Hayden taking wet clothes off me in
the storm. Hayden talking to me, with concern in his dark eyes. Me going
upstairs to bed.

Then I felt a chill gripping me, just like last night. The thought was so
unreal, that I wasn't sure did it happen or not. I sat in the bed in a
sudden flare of anxiety.

Did Hayden...sleep in the same bed with me? My mind was racing, and my eyes
were darting back and forward across the room. It can't be. That would mean
that...

I looked at the side of the bed next to me. The covers next to me were
moved, in distinctive way as someone had pushed them aside to get up. I
stared at the bare spot in the bed, realizing that nothing from last night
was product of my imagination.

Oh shit.

I fell back into bed in confusion. In a split second, the whole of last
night came together. My decision to walk to find help, the violent storm
that came down hard on the forest, the freezing rain that coupled with
flailing wind sucked all the warmth from me, and long black Cadillac that
pulled along side me when I thought that I was done for. I remembered the
drive, the feeling of safety and shelter that I had while riding in
Hayden's car. Then a hot shower and warm soup at his place, that felt so
warm and cozy after all the coldness and rain that I have been
through. Then the dream of drowning, and being awakened by Hayden shouting
my name. And then...

I buried my face in my hands. I couldn't believe what must have
happened. Details emerged from fogginess of my brain, still appearing
muddled as it was still a dream. I grabbed his hand, in that delirious
moment of just being awake from my nightmare, when all my inhibitions were
gone. In that moment, all I wanted was him by my side, and no conscious
thoughts was attempted from my part whatsoever to even think through any
consequences.

What have I done!

I made...I made him sleep with me. Just like I was a three year old who was
crying for his mommy in the middle of the night. I slid my hands through my
hair in an uneasiness that was running through me. I still couldn't believe
what I did. Shit. A grown man asking another grown man to hold his hand
during the thunderstorm. And of course, Hayden was not the kind of a person
to deny my cry for help. No. He complied, knowing how much I needed him at
that moment, and slid next to me. I distinctively remembered how warm his
whole body was next to mine, and how the awareness of his presence next to
me brought peace into me. And...and he...hugged me. At that time I wasn't
even thinking about how awkward that would seem in the morning. Now I was
cringing inside as I remembered everything.

A small cry escaped my lips. This was way beyond embarrassing. This was
horrifying. And there no way in hell I can fix the damage that I have done.

Possibilities were coursing through my head. No doubt that I can safely say
that my friendship with Hayden is over. I am lucky that he hasn't thrown me
out already. By now he is probably suspecting that I'm gay as well. Nice,
real nice, Matthew. You have done it this time for real. This is by far the
biggest fuck up that you have ever made in your life. Single-handedly I
managed to destroy everything that was done by Hayden and me in the past
couple months. Well, mostly by Hayden, that is. My work was mostly
destructive anyways. If we have something that was shaping up to be a
friendship, now it was gone - and all thanks to me, and that bonehead move
that I pulled. I let another moan of despair.

I sat in up the bed, still not sure what to do next. Try to sneak out? That
sounded so good at this moment! Maybe just call him later to apologize, or
even better, send him a letter or email. Whatever will be better than
trying to explain this behavior and ask for forgiveness. I just wanted to
disappear. A minute ago this was such a pleasant place, and now I was
feeling trapped.

I looked around: There was a pair of sweatpants and socks next to the bed;
neither of them was mine. I got out of the bed and put them on, quietly as
possible. Right now I was willing to sacrifice finding my clothes in order
to get out of here. I couldn't locate my sneakers, or for that matter, any
shoes that I could wear. Maybe I could find some downstairs.

With that, I got out of the room. Just as I got into the hall, my body
reminded me that I need to make a pit stop. To my left was a bathroom, so I
took care of business. As I exited the bathroom, I become aware of the
smell that was coming from downstairs. You can recognize that smell
anywhere in the world - it was the smell of fresh toast. I cursed in my
head; that blew away my plan of hushed departure. That means that Hayden is
downstairs, and I will have to face him. Instead of a cowardly escape that
would give me a chance to get my thoughts together for the best
explanation, now I'll have to get through this right now. I felt like
teenager again, coming down from my room to be scolded by my parents for
some mischief that I have done.

Descending the stairs, I tried to come up with some sort of explanation for
last night. Or at least a neutral initial subject. My brain was drawing
blanks - all I could think of was how he probably thinks of me with disgust
and repulsion, as a freak and oddball. Walking down the corridor towards
the kitchen, my legs felt like they were made of lead. I got almost into
the kitchen doorway, but I couldn't make one more step. My heart was
beating so hard that I could feel it in my throat. The kitchen was looking
just like the last time I was here: a simple furnished, and yet
well-organized and stylish space. Just like rest of the house. Just like
Hayden.

He was in there, with his back to me. Despite all my distress, I had to
admire his figure as he was waiting for the toast to be done, leaning with
one hand on the counter and letting the other one relaxed next to his
body. I couldn't tear my sight from curvature of his back, and broad
shoulders that were tilted in such a manner that they were only emphasizing
muscularity of his backside. I admit that I riveted, sinfully, my gaze on
his ass, which was looking so round and firm under his sleep pants while he
was standing there.

Suddenly, he turned around his head and looked straight at me over his
shoulder. I literary jumped from the wall that I was leaning on. How on
earth did he know that I was there? My mouth became dry as if I have chewed
on paper, while I felt a cold sweat running down my back.

"'Morning," he said, and then turned back again to the toaster in front of
him.

 "Gg-ood morning," I replied. Was that really my voice? It sounded like my
I was talking over sand paper in my throat.

"You're just in time for breakfast," he continued, not turning around.

I didn't reply. I couldn't. That was the "neutral initial subject" that I
was trying so hard to come up with coming down stairs. I could feel that my
palms were getting sweaty as well.

In the silence that was dominating the kitchen, the sound of the toaster
ejecting the toast seemed like gun blast. It startled me, but I still
couldn't move or speak.

Looking casual as usual, Hayden placed toast on the plate and turned
around.

"Well, are you gonna come in or you are going to stand there forever?"

I moved like robot. He sat down at the table, leaving me other chair to sit
on. Only then it dawned on me that table is already set for breakfast for
two people. There were couple plates of scrambled eggs with ham and cheese
on the side, a plate of fresh toast with some yummy looking jam and butter,
and two glasses of orange juice. I was just looking at this feast, not
knowing what to think about it. My apprehension had erased all appetite
from my body. I sat down quietly, not knowing how to act. Hayden got up
again and went to the coffee maker, a shiny piece of chromed industrial art
that was sitting next to the toaster on the counter.

"Do you drink coffee?" he asked, pouring himself a cup.

Well Matt, you are going to have to answer to this man sooner or later.

"Yes...I do." I replied, timidly. Right now, last thing on my mind was
coffee and eating. All I wanted was for Hayden to yell at me, to finally
tell me in my face all that he thinks about me, and to say that he never
wants to have anything to do with me again.

"Cream? Sugar?" he continued to ask me questions that felt like daggers.

"Yes, please." I replied automatically. He fixed two cups and placing one
in front of me, the other on his side, he sat down, grabbed his fork and
dug into his food. I watched, as hypnotized somewhere above my plate. Not
even half a minute later, I saw his fork stopping in mid air.

"You are not eating."

"I'm not...really hungry." I replied. I was still waiting for lashing that
was coming.

The silence felt like heavy blanket. I could feel his gaze. Slowly, I
looked at him.

There was nothing in his eyes that would even remotely resemble anger or
resentment. Only thing that I saw in his eyes was...worry. I couldn't stand
that look, so I lowered my eyes and stared back at the wood grain of the
kitchen table.

"What..."- he hesitated. " What's wrong?"

 Everything. Everything is wrong. I fucked up the only good thing that I
had in months. I messed up something beautiful that I had in my life, and
it serves me right. Now I will have to walk away from it. That's what's
wrong.

"I..." it was hard to speak over the lump in my throat. "I wanted to
say...that I'm sorry for...last night." I croaked.

He sighed, but it was more of surprised inhale.

"Wow, where'd that come from all of the sudden?"

I looked at him. He looked genuinely surprised, holding his back straight
and looking me, his eyes wide open.

Something is not right here. This doesn't fit in reaction that I was
expecting and embracing myself for. My stuttering became even worse.

"Did you...aren't you...mad at me?"

His eyes went wide: "Good God, what for?"

"For...the stuff from last night. I...don't know what came over me to...to
grab you like that." I managed to finish, still looking at my plate.

There was a distinctive pause that made my heartbeats sound like thunder in
my chest. Then I heard a soft clatter. Hayden has placed his fork on his
plate and I could feel that he was moving...he was moving towards me. It
was just a corner of my eye that caught that movement, but I still cringed,
bracing for...I didn't even know why I felt the need to brace for
anything. The only thing that I felt was Hayden's hand very gently touching
my shoulder.

"Matt, look at me."

I slowly lifted my eyes. For some reason, I was already starting to feel
much better. This gentle touch did not correlate to any bad stuff what I
thought was coming.

"You had a nightmare. It could happen to anybody. I really don't understand
why you're beating yourself up over little things like that. You have been
through a lot last night, and I don't see any reason for feeling so guilty
over that now." His voice was calm and reassuring, bringing that familiar
sensation of vibrations in my chest.

"But...I made you sleep next..." I couldn't finish; my cheeks were burning
in embarrassment.

"So?"

The tone of his voice was very casual, but I still couldn't respond to
him. He continued on his own.

"Dude...you are too much! What, you don't think I ever slept in the same
bed with a guy before? I cannot count the number of times when I wake up
after getting wasted, with some guy hugging me, while another one is
drooling on the other side! It is not that big of a deal, I'm telling you."
He finished and sat back in his chair.

"Yeah but this is...different." I still could look straight at him. Instead
I was just stealing glances, which was progress compared to staring at the
kitchen table.

He grabbed his fork and looked me sternly.

"I will not let you do this to yourself. You are overanalyzing something
that was not that important. Now eat." With that, he started with his
breakfast again.

I was just looking at him. He was right. I am beating myself up over
this. But he was not right regarding that this was not a big deal. It
was...to me. Still, as so many times before, he managed to rationalize
stuff in the way that made things much better. And yet, I was not
convinced. He might think that this was simple issue, but I knew better.

The cramping in my stomach remanded me that I was actually starving. I
picked up my fork and started to eat. Even though the food was simple, it
was tasty, and soon I found myself munching with pleasure on buttered toast
and jam. But when I took a sip of coffee, I choked. The coffee was so
strong that it almost made me cough. Hayden glanced at me with guilt on his
face.

"Sorry...I forgot that most people don't drink sludge like I do."

"Y..yeah..its..." I was still trying to speak over burning sensation in my
throat. He stood up and grabbed my cup, dumped half of the coffee and
filled with rest with milk.

"Here...try it now."

I tried it carefully. The bitter taste was still there, but now it was
tolerable. He sat back down and we finished our breakfast, and then I
helped him clean up. In a strange way, it made me calmer. My nervousness
toned down significantly, or at least to the point that I wasn't afraid
that I'd drop a plate or something because my hands are shaking. It was the
whole feeling of calmness and serenity that was taking over. I guess it had
something to do with simple task of putting the breakfast dishes away,
something that you don't do with a stranger, but only with family or with
someone you know very well. That was the feeling that I had in that moment,
but it had a twist to it. And I knew what it was.

You don't have breakfast with a member of your family that you just spend
the night with cuddled in the same bed.

You do that with...your lover.

My cheeks started to burn with embarrassment once again. I couldn't believe
that I had such thoughts...again. It didn't help one bit that even in this
laid-back situation I was still painfully aware of his presence. He was
wearing a plain white tee, and yet that was just accentuating his
masculinity. I was stealing glances at his muscular arms, captivated with
his smooth skin and veins that were running underneath. In one moment our
arms almost brushed together as we were cleaning the table. My skin
instantly felt like it got charged with electricity as goose bumps took
over. Then I felt familiar twitch in my pants... Get your mind out of the
gutter, Matt!

As I was placing dishes on the counter, I found a piece of paper, which was
addressed to me. Surprised, I showed it to Hayden.

"Um...this was for me?"

He glanced over: "Yeah, I went out this morning and I didn't wanted for you
to wake up in the empty house with no explanation; plus I didn't know if
you had to go somewhere, so I left you a note with Caddy keys."

"You...already went out?"

"Yeah, to the gym. I just got back minutes before you got up."

"And you left me your car? Wow." I was stunned. Not just because of the
gesture and trust that he had in me, but also for amount of consideration
that always seemed to amaze me.

We sat back down at the table with our cups in front of us.

"So, what do you want to do today?" Hayden asked.

"Dunno...I guess I need to call a cab...and then a tow truck when I get
back to the dorm...and then find a mechanic, I guess." I replied, sipping
my now mocha latte.

Hayden remained silent for a second, and then he said: "I have better
idea. Why don't we bring your car here, and I can take a look at it and go
from there," he suggested.

"No, no, I'll be fine. I just need to get back and then I'll figure stuff
out." I was still trying halfheartedly to get out of his house as soon as
possible.

"You don't give up, do you? God help me with you!" he exclaimed, shaking
his head in mock disbelief.

I still didn't want to give up, but his suggestion seemed to make sense. At
the dorm I had no means to fix my car. I had to find a tow truck, then a
mechanic, then to call my parents for the repair money. It sounded
complicated and troublesome. And I didn't want to leave Hayden's
place. Right now, I felt calm. We were sitting in his kitchen, with sun
coming through the window and warming up the whole space and making every
detail bright and pleasant. I realized that it wasn't just the Hayden's
presence that was so inviting. It was the comfortable hominess that this
place was exuding, and that was precisely what I had been craving for the
past several weeks. There were no noisy people running down the corridor,
talking loud as they pass my dorm room. There was no feeling of boot-camp
style breakfast that you eat over your work desk, unwrapping some old
sandwich that you saved from last night and drinking juice or water
straight from the bottle. There was no stale odor of your roommate's
clothes piled up in his hamper.

No, I don't want to leave.

Still, my brain was searching for excuses to leave, rationalizing far more
than I wanted to.

"Yeah, but...at the dorm...I have all my stuff...and I'll be on campus for
classes on Monday," I still stubbornly tried, but without any conviction in
my voice.

Hayden smirked. He was obviously enjoying my futile attempts to defy his
logic.  " Hey, whatever you want to do, man...I won't twist your arm," he
finished, looking at me over the edge of his coffee cup.

To say that he was looking at me seductively would be an
understatement. His dark eyes started a heat wave in my head. I shoulda
look away, but I couldn't. It lasted for just a moment, while he took that
sip and placed the cup back on the table, but that was enough. I become a
speechless, stuttering idiot once again. And I realized that now I'm
staring back at him, unable to talk. He gave me another long look, waiting
for my response.

"I...don't want... I cannot let you do that...it's already too much..."
Again, I couldn't get my mouth to work. I diverted my eyes, looking at my
clasped hands in order to get my brain to focus better, and finally I
managed to find the words to respond to him properly.

"I am already feeling that I owe you so much...and I feel like I'm constant
burden to you. Like every time you see me, I need some help like I'm an
invalid or something. And I'm not! I can...or at least I thought that I can
take care of myself. This is getting...frustrating" I finished and looked
back at him. To my surprise, he looked perplexed. He remained silent for a
moment, biting his lip, looking like someone who is having internal
debate. Finally he released his lip with a sigh.

"Matt, you are confusing me. I already told you...I don't look at my
friendships like that...and I know that you feel obligated to me, but I'm
telling you - there's no reason for it! I don't do anything unless I want
to; there is no 'debt' in my book. I help whomever I can help and its
worthy of my time - and you belong in that circle. I don't expect any
favors in return. And I don't know why you are so reluctant to accept it."

I could only stare at him, unable to respond. I realized that it was
bothering him by me being so difficult. And yet, I felt...ashamed. He was
getting upset over this, and I didn't know how to respond.

"Ok." I replied, after a brief pause. I was still feeling guilty.

He looked at me, cocking his head like he was trying to take a better look
on something. I looked back at him in query.

"Where is the smile?" he asked, being mockingly serious.

My lips broke up with a grin. And it was the one that comes from deep in
you, accompanied with a chuckle. In an instant, relief washed away anxiety
that I was feeling. Now I could see that he was smiling back. God, how I
loved the way his cheeks would wrinkle, revealing his white teeth!

"That's much better," he smiled back at me. "Now let's go get your car," he
said, standing up. I remained in my chair for one more moment, with my head
leaned against the wall behind me, looking through the window outside. It
was shaping up to be a beautiful day.


(Hayden's point of view)


The tow truck finally arrived. Matt and I were sitting in my car for almost
an hour after I placed a call. Apparently Matt was not the only one who had
problems last night; due to heavy rain, there was more accidents and
stranded motorists than usual. I gave driver directions how to get to my
place as he was loading Matt's green Saturn onto the truck's bed, and we
started to drive back. The forest road was still wet from rain last night
so I choose to drive slowly. Matt was sitting in the passenger seat,
looking around.

"It's very nice out here. But how come there is no more traffic? We hardly
saw a couple cars passed in past hour," he asked.

"Because this is about three miles longer to get back to the town; highway
is much quicker and safer," I replied.

"Oh, okay. So how come you choose to go back this way last night?" he
turned to me.

"There was an accident on highway, so I decided to go this way. And besides
that, I often preferred to go this way versus the boring highway," I
finished, glancing at him occasionally.

It was strange feeling that I was having with him in my car again, on the
same road, but this time was completely different. This time I didn't have
to worry about him; he wasn't looking like ghost that materialized inside
of my car. Last night seemed so surreal at the time.

Now, in the daylight, events from yesterday were fading into a blur, yet
this morning unfolded even more odd and confusing. I realized that I have
consciously suppressed thoughts about those old events for all this
time. It was almost a defense mechanism. I refused to call it 'shoved under
the carpet', but in essence that is exactly what it was. I knew why I was
refusing to deal with it right now. With Matt next to me, the chances of me
screwing something up are far greater. And I knew myself well enough that I
could tell that something like that would happen. Precisely, it already
did.

I hugged him last night.

Then I got into bed with him, embracing him again.

And this morning I found myself gently stroking his hair, even before I
knew I was awake. It wasn't even a full touch; it was more a small movement
of my wrist, making his hair glide against palm of my hand. It took me
several seconds to become aware of my surroundings and what I was
doing. Silently, I drew my hand back and remained motionless, listening to
his soft breathing. Questions were running trough my head.

Now what.

The thought of staying in bed with Mat and wait for him to wake up was
frightening. I realized that I was scared to admit to myself that
revelation from last night was overwhelming.  I wanted to stay next to
him. I wanted to feel his body next to mine, just like last night. And at
the same time, I was sure that if Matt woke up and found me sprawled next
to him, he would feel uncomfortable.

Plus, I was sporting another hard-on.

As quietly as I could, I got out of bed and walked out of room. Just before
I was about to close the door, I looked back. Matt was still sound asleep,
curled on his right side with one arm underneath the pillow. I couldn't
tear my eyes from him. He looked so peaceful, so beautiful. My eyes were
caressing the refined features of his nose and jaw line, tracing down to
his lips. I didn't want to close the door and leave that site. I wanted to
go back to bed and feel him next to me again. Then I realized that I'm
standing in the doorway looking at him, with my cock obscenely tenting my
underwear. Ashamed at myself, I closed the door. Only thing I need is for
him to wake up and see me watching him with a hard-on.

I went to the kitchen, musing over something. On Saturdays I usually go to
the gym; I was tossing the idea of staying or going. If I go, I won't be
back until 10 or so; Matt might be awake by then, wondering where I am. I
glanced at the clock: almost 7 am. I decided to go. I hated to change my
routine, and this would be a prefect excuse. I jotted down a quick note for
him and left it on the kitchen table.

When I came back, few hours later, the house was still as quiet as it was
when I left. For the moment I was afraid that he did wake up and decided to
leave without saying goodbye, but nothing in the kitchen has been moved, so
I concluded that he was still asleep. I started to make a breakfast for me,
when I heard door close upstairs. Well, I guess I should set table for two,
then.

As I was pulling another set of dishes out, the thought ran trough my head
that it has been a while since I have done something like this - preparing
the breakfast for someone who had spent the night. Strangely, as much as I
wanted to remain single at this time, this morning I didn't have that
feeling of bothersome presence of another person in my house. I mused over
that for a second. So, Matt's presence is not a problem then. Now this was
getting confusing. Without a chance to think that one over, I caught a
movement behind me in the shiny surface of the coffee maker; I turned
around, still feeling a bit startled even though my brain was telling him
that could only be Matt.

It was Matt, leaning on the wall, but he looked...strange. His hair was
disheveled, but it was his eyes that were telling me that something was
going on. I turned away, not wanting to stare. The butterflies in my
stomach were starting to churn. And a minute later, when I turned around
with his portion of toast on the plate, he was still standing n the
doorway, looking...confused. I tried to make a joke inviting him to the
table, but he didn't respond. I was cringing inside.

We sat down and started to eat. More accurately, I started to eat; he was
just staring at his plate. Something is wrong here. And then out of the
blue he broke into stuttered apology about last night, revealing the source
of his anxiety.

So he is uncomfortable just as I am, possibly even more, but from a whole
different angle. Apparently he took the whole "sleep-together" issue very
seriously, and he was obviously embarrassed. I was wondering that maybe he
is not that comfortable around other people. I was never a touchy-feely
kind a guy myself: hugs and holding hands in the sunset was never my deal.

And yet, I did spend the night with him in my arms, without feeling cramped
or claustrophobic. But at the same time, I realized that Matt must be
battling with the same problem in his head. Not everyone would be at ease
after spending the night in bed with another guy. I decided to ease his
anxiety and turn the whole issue on the lighter note, which I believe
worked, since he had visibly relaxed in matter of minutes. That made me
feel better, too, but I was still confused about ambiguity of my own
personality. So he is not okay with another guy sleeping next to him. How
come I am, all of the sudden?

And then I remembered one more thing. I lied to him. It was an innocent
little white lie, about me being wasted and waking up next to another
guy. It was intended to ease his nervousness, which worked, but the fact
that I lied to him remained. And I started to feel really shitty about
it. Part of it was true; on numerous occasions in my past something like
that would occur, but the way I described it was not the way it usually
happened. It never involved sleeping in an actual bed; more likely whole
bunch of us would wake up in a pile on the beach or on the floor of some
house, depending which location we were for the final binging. I hate
lying; sooner or later you start doing it more and more frequently, until
it becomes a part of you. I know it, because I was no stranger to it
several years ago.

And it started to emerge again. And I hated it.

Before I could decide what I should do about it, I realized that we were
already pulling up in front of my house. I spend the whole trip back home
musing over that morning, totally neglecting Matt who was sitting next to
me.

"I'm sorry man, didn't mean to ignore you." I apologized to him.

"Oh, its fine; I was listening to music - and I didn't want to distract you
while you're driving," he replied.

I shot him a smile and got out of the car. The tow truck was just coming
down the street. Soon we had the Saturn in the garage, and I went into the
house to change. When I got back, Matt was on his phone, talking to someone
about his car. I assumed that he was talking to his parents, so I returned
to the house. None of my business to eves drops on his conversation, but I
still heard him saying:

"Mom, it's the same guy who helped me with Biology...he is not just some
stranger that picked me up. Yes, he goes to my school-"

I went to living room. I wish that I didn't hear that conversation. I guess
it was perfectly normal for a parent to ask those questions, but it still
worried in me. Now his parents might think that I was some predator or
something like that, who is using Matt's misfortune to lure him into my
house. Well, not much I can do about that. Moment later, I heard garage
door open, and Matt tentatively calling me.

"Um, Nicky? My mom wants to talk to you," he said, giving me his phone. Oh
well, here we go.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello Hayden, this is Donna, Mattie's mom. I just want to say that we
really appreciate you helping him. It is awfully nice of you, and I wish
that there is something that we could do to help from our side. His dad is
at work now, but we will cover any expense and your time, you just let us
know. Please, don't hesitate to call us on that." She finished.

"M'am, there is no need for that...I still don't know if I'll be able to
figure what's wrong with his car. He still might need a real mechanic to
take a look." I replied.

"Hayden, you do whatever you find necessary, and we'll cover the rest. I am
so glad that he has someone to look out for him. I wish that I known you
earlier, I would send you guys some homemade cookies or something like
that. But I guess since I'm talking to you now for the first time, we will
have to follow-up on that later." She laughed in the phone. I begin to like
her from the get-go. She sounded non-complicated. Then it dawned on me:
that was not the first time for me to talk to Matt's mom. I answered his
phone when I picked it up by mistake at the beginning of the semester. I
decided not to disclose that detail; that would go too perfectly in the
whole idea about me as a stalker.

"Ah, that can always be arranged. Let's just see where we are with Matt's
car, and we can figure the rest later." We exchanged couple more
pleasantries, then I returned the phone to Matt so he could finish the
conversation.

"My mom thinks that you are the bomb," he said, with smirk.

"Well, let's just wait and see. I still don't know what is wrong here, so
let's not celebrate yet." I replied to him, and then I proceeded to examine
his car.

The next couple hours went by quickly, while I was trying to figure out
what was wrong. Matt was looking around, being careful not to touch
anything. He looked more like a visitor in a museum, with his hand stuffed
deep into his pockets. I was glancing at him, talking to him as I was
working and answering his questions. It turned that we have more and more
in common: we both touched the same favorite movies, and he really liked my
choice of music that was playing on the garage stereo. I was glad that he
wasn't bored, since it was clear to me that he is not too interested in the
car mechanics. That was until he discovered roaming through the garage, my
bike that was under the cover.

"You have a motorcycle too?" he looked at me astonished.

"Aha...it's when I want to go fast." I shot him a devilish grin. He
continued to look at me across the garage, and theen he turned to the bike
again.

"Can I see it?"

"Sure - just pull the cover off." I told him, diving back into Saturn's
engine compartment, but I was still looking through the gap in between
lifted hood and fender at him. I completely forgot what I was doing there,
watching him taking very slowly cover off my bike, like he was revealing a
work of art. He stood back, looking at the bike, and then he did something
that did not fit his previous behavior: very gently, he reached over and
touched the bike's tank, and then he started to trace lines of the fairing
and body work with his fingers. I could feel my abs tightening, almost like
he was touching my own body instead my bike. I realized that once again, my
body was reacting to him. And again, I reacted without thinking. I left the
Saturn and came close to him. He turned to me, with excitement in his eyes.

"It looks...sexy," he commented. That threw me off a little bit; girls
would consider my bike "sexy"; typical guy would say "tight", "mean",
"bitching" or something similar. I had to chuckle at his choice of words.

"Wow, I didn't know my bike can be that too," I continued to laugh.

"Well, I guess...and it looks really fast." He replied, still gazing over
shiny plastic.

"Yes it is...and all this time I tought that you are not into cars and
bikes." I chuckled again.

"I'm not! I wouldn't be able to tell you where the spark plugs are! I am
totally mechanically challenged...your bike just looks...nice! I would like
to see you on it sometime." He finished, looking back at me, almost asking
me to sit on it. I had to smile back at him.

"Well, its little cold for a ride now. Maybe in a couple weeks or so." I
replied to him and immediately an image of him and me on the bike shot
through my head. Him holding onto me, leaning into me while we are blazing
through the woods. I gave him another look, trying to remember the way he
was looking at me at that moment. Wide eyed, his blue eyes sparkling with
excitement. I was getting enchanted, again. And there was something else in
his eyes. I turned away, confused.

I could swear that I could see lust in his eyes. I returned to the Saturn,
still trying to figure out why my imagination is playing games with
me. Matt was excited to see my bike: so how come all of the sudden I see
sexual desire in his eyes? I shook my head. I need to get a grip on myself.

We continued our casual conversation, when he jumped from chair where he
was sitting:

"I completely forgot: I need to call that lady that I was supposed to see
about the room yesterday! What an idiot I am! She is probably wondering
what has happened to me." With that he pulled out his phone and started to
scroll through it. I had to smile at his hastiness. He talked to her for a
little while, and then he closed his phone with relief spreading across his
face.

"Phew...room is still available. She though that something happened to me,"
he finished.

"Well, I guess that explains what you were doing on this side of the town."
I said.

"Oh, yes. I guess I do owe you explanation what a hell was I doing in the
woods last night," he said, somewhat awkwardly.

"Oh, Matt - you don't have to explain or justify anything. None of my
business in the first place...but I must say that I'm glad that I was there
last night."

"Yeah...me too," he said, looking at me with smile.

I smiled back at him, and decided that it will be better if I get on with
trying to figure out what was wrong with his car than to get into more
trouble.

It was almost two in the afternoon when I finally I pulled out defective
fuel pump and placed it on the workbench. Matt came closer, examining the
greasy part.

"That looks complicated. What the hell is this thing?"

"It's the fuel pump. I hope that is what's wrong with your car," I replied,
wiping my grimy hands. "Now let's try to see if we can find a new one."

We jumped into my car and soon we were back on the road, on the way to one
of parts store. The clerk recognized me, and he was little taken aback with
my request for a Saturn part.

"Wow, I thought you were Cadillac man," he smirked at me. I knew that soon
there would be some snooty remark coming from him, so I hurried to pay and
to get out of there. I knew that Matt would get embarrassed with usual
punting that I would exchange with store clerk. The clerk had a Honda, so
the usual jokes about slow-poke imports were part of our normal routine,
but I wasn't in the mood for it today. Soon we were back home, and I
installed the pump in the car. In matter of minutes, I had Saturn running
again, to Matt's delight.

"Wow! She is back! Cool! And you fixed her! You-are-the-boss,
you-are-the-boss." Matt was almost dancing around me. I just loved it! He
was again the Matt that I loved to see: relaxed and full of life.

"Well, we got lucky that it was just a fuel pump. And I don't know about
you, but I'm starving. I'll get something going for two of us, and if you
want, you can get your car out of garage." I finished.

"Okay. Do you want me to help you with anything? I am not much of a cook,
but if it has instructions for microwave, I'll be set!" he filled in. I
smiled at his joke and went in to the house to clean up.

After putting a quick meal together, Matt announced that he wanted to go
and check out the room. When he described how to get there, I realized that
it is only several blocks away.

"Dude...that's like twenty minutes on foot from here! You don't even have
to drive. It's in nice neighborhood, really quiet."

"That's what I'm hoping for...I need some sleep, so I can study." He
replied.

"Yeah, right, study. Who you're kidding? You just need a place so you can
start partying and corralling girls over there!"  I started laughing. He
joined in, but he sounded kinda hollow.

"Yeah, riiiight. Like I couldn't do that at the dorm already."

"True, true. But still, now you can be more...ahm, private with your
company." I was still egging him on, but he was not responding the way I
anticipated, so I stopped.  "Sorry man, I didn't mean to be harsh. I know
how the life in the dorm can hinder every aspect of your life. So you gonna
go and check it out?"

"Yeah, as soon as I get my stuff together," he replied, looking kinda
embarrassed. Only then it dawned on me that he is still wearing my
sweatpants and sweatshirt, and that his clothes were still in the dryer
from last night. I jumped on my feet.

"I'm sorry, I forgot your clothes. I'll be right back." I went to laundry
room and grabbed his stuff from the dryer. His jeans and sweatshirt were a
little wrinkled, but fine otherwise. But shoelaces on his sneakers were
still torn, so I grabbed a pair off of my old sneakers from the shelf and
started to unlace them, when I noticed that he is standing behind me,
watching what I was doing with interest. I could see that his eyes were
burning with curiosity as I was now re-lacing one of his sneakers. When I
finished with that, I handed him his clothes.

"There you go - you're all set."

He was still looking at me. There was strange expression that clouded his
vision, almost like sadness. I couldn't quite figure it out. It lasted only
a brief moment, then he grabbed his clothes from me.  "Thanks...can I use
your bathroom to change?"

"Sure man - it's right down the hall."

Several minutes later, he returned. He looked different, not just because
his clothes. There was determination in his appearance, like he made up his
mind about something. There was a moment of awkward silence between us, and
it seemed that neither of us knew what to say next. He broke the silence
first.

"Well...I guess I should be on my way."

I sighed, for no reason that would be obvious to me.

"Ok...good luck with the room. Hopefully it will turn ok for you."

He nodded his head and headed towards the door. We exchanged good-byes and
then he took off. I closed the door behind him. All of the sudden my house
seemed deserted and empty. In an instant, I didn't want to be alone any
more. The abruptness of the feeling surprised me. For years I have been
working hard to achieve independency and seclusion, and now I feel lonely
only seconds after Matt left.

"Wow." I actually said out loud. Moments after Matt has left my house, I
was already missing him.


(Matt's point of view)

Ms. Lancing appeared from her kitchen carrying tray with cookies, and what
appeared to be a teapot. I almost chuckled. In any other occasion, that
would look odd, but not in here. She was in her 70-ties, and her house was
orderly and neat; somehow tea with cookies on Saturday afternoon fit
perfectly in the whole picture.

We chatted for almost half an hour, and I did my best to suppress my
impatience. Finally, she stood up, and we walked to the other side of the
house, where she had separate unit that she was renting. It was not just a
room; it was more of an apartment with small kitchen, bathroom and large
living room that also served as bedroom. It even had separate entrance from
the side of the house. It was perfect! I instantly agreed that I will take
it and we went back to finish the agreement. As I was finishing one of the
excellent cookies, she warned me:

"Now Matthew, I do not want any parties here! I am too old to deal with
late night visitors and loud music. If you want to have someone here it is
fine, but I what I do not want to see is endless parade of girls through my
house. You are good looking boy and I do know a thing or two about you
college boys!" I knew that she wasn't being too serious; there was a
sparkle in her eye telling me that I'm OK.

Well, there's a thing or two that you don't know about me, I though to
myself.

"You won't have to worry about that, Ms. Lancing...if I needed loud parties
in my life, I would stay in the dorm." I replied with a smile.

We agreed that I could move in tonight, but I decided to postpone it until
Sunday, since it was getting late. With that, I left. On my way back, I
called my parents; my mom was home so I told her that I finally found the
room. She was relieved as much as I was, but she surprised me by being
almost abrupt to ask me about Hayden.

"So...are you going to see him again?" she asked

"Mom! What are you talking about? We are...barely friends. He just happened
to be there when my car broke down, that's it," I replied, with a little
too much haste in my voice.

"Oh...okay. It just sounded like you two are hanging together more than
that, so I assumed that there was something going on. Don't blame your poor
mother for drawing conclusions."

"Well you know what they say when you 'assume'," I said, but without
laughing. Somehow this conversation was starting to bother me.

"And what was the outcome with your car? Did you get it towed to mechanic?"

"No, Hayden fixed it! It was something with fuel thingymagiggy whatnot. It
took him a couple hours, but he fixed it."

"Awesome! Did you give him some money for the repair?"

Only then did it dawn on me that not just the fact that Hayden paid for the
part, but I didn't even offered him anything for his time. Stupid, stupid,
stupid!

 "Um...well..." I was seriously blushing now, even without anyone to see
me.

"You did't? Matthew Hartwell! You better call him right this minute and
apologize! I cannot believe that you let this guy spend all his Saturday
helping YOU with YOUR car and you don't even bother to offer him anything!
Do I need to call him for you?" My mom was seriously pissed at me, and she
had a good reason. I was getting pissed at myself too. How could I forget?

"I...I don't know that happened...I simply forgot...I don't know why." I
stuttered.

I could hear her sigh on the other end. I knew that she was angry at me.

"It must be that you had a reason," she mused for a moment, then she
stabbed me with another question:

"So, is he good looking? Do you like him?"

God, will this women ever quit?

"Mom, he is someone that I met here. Yes, he helped me...a lot. Yes, I do
want him as a friend. No, he doesn't know about me. No, I won't tell him,
at least for now. And yes, he is straight. Got any more questions,
Ms. Grand Inquisitor?" I asked, feeling a bit irritated.

"No, no, I'm fine," my mom chuckled, obviously enjoying my
discomfort. "It's just the fact that you are normally clamped like shell,
and now I'm hearing about this 'Hayden' guy. Can't you mother be a little
concerned?"

"Yes, I guess..." I replied. I knew that she is just being worried about
me. And she did hit a nerve with "clamped like shell" comment.

The highway was approaching the town, so I didn't want to be on the phone
while negotiating the heavy traffic.  "I'm gonna have to let you go, the
traffic is getting worse here."

"Well, are you gonna answer me?"  She was not going to let me off the hook
that easily.

"About what?" I was trying to remember the question.

"Do you like him?" I could tell that she was smiling on the other end.

"Urgh! Goodbye, mom!" I made sure that she hears fake aggravation in my
voice before I hung up. I was still upset for a bit, but then I
relaxed. She is right: being shy as I am, she is probably wondering about
Nicky's appearance in my life all of the sudden.

God how stupid of me to not even offer anything to him? I shook my head in
disbelief. I was feeling so relaxed at his place that I completely forgot!
I need to call him, as soon as I get back to the dorm.

As I was getting close to campus, I realized that living at Ms. Lancing's
place is actually not far at all from campus; it took me less than 15
minutes to get here. Another plus for my choice. I started to feel very
positive about the whole thing. Finally a place of my own. I couldn't wait!
And on top of that, Ms. Lancing seemed like she is going to be OK as a
landlord. I had to chuckle, thinking about her statement of "endless parade
of girls." Well, she can rest at ease, since this boy doesn't play that
game. Now, endless parade of boys, that is a different story. A sly smile
came to my lips, but it faded quickly. No, I do not want a "parade of boys"
coming to my place.

Only one.

I sighed. I guess life would be simpler if I was straight, but I guess I
will never know. Sometimes I did wonder about that: What if? I still
couldn't picture myself dating a girl.

But what about dating...Hayden? I let my imagination run wild for a little
while. Two of us as a couple. Two of us, going to the movies, or dinner, or
just staying at home...Okay, that's enough Matt.

...cuddled in front of the TV, under one blanket...

That's enough!

...or in the same bed, just like last night...

STOP IT! I almost had to yell at myself. This is going nowhere! I gripped
the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. God, why I must torment
myself like this? What an idiot I am. Even after what I pulled at Hayden's
place, I still haven't learned my lesson. I need to stay away from him. Get
it once for all. I sighed, from deep within, as I was trying to exhale all
of my fantasies out of my mind. You cannot have him. That is reality, so
you better learn to live with it. And then, out of nowhere, something
flashed back into my head.

When Hayden picked me up in the storm that night...he said something. It
was so weird that it took me several moments to re-assure myself that his
sentence was something that he really said.

"I wouldn't forgive myself if anything happened to you."

It took me several moments to realize that I'm not even paying attention to
the highway, or that my mouth is hanging open. Again, my brain was turning
into mush trying to figure out the meaning of those words. And no matter
which context I placed them in, it was still a very clear message.

Hayden...cares about me.

I felt as my lungs are shrinking at the same time as the feeling of warmth
filling my heart. There was no other way to interpret those words. And then
other things started to bring in their share of confusion.

That whole evening, Hayden was being more than attentive to me. It didn't
even settled in until now that he was being by my side the whole time,
leaving me only to grab something from the kitchen or bathroom.

My eyes went wide. Holly cow, how could I forget! The moment when he came
into the living room with a towel and start to dry my hair. I sunk in my
seat remembering the feeling of soft warm towel and his incredible gentle
hands as he was drying my hair. That was so simple, and yet so soothing
that I almost fell asleep while he was doing that. I snapped back to
reality when I realized that "Little Matt" was filling my jeans too
rapidly. I shifted in my seat, getting more and more confused. If he cares
about me...

No, I shouldn't think about that. I will send myself into another turmoil
of "what ifs", and I am having difficulties getting out from the previous
one. I do not need more chaos in my head. Besides, all that happened before
the...um, incident. I felt my cheeks flaring up again from
embarrassment. Still, I was baffled with the details of the whole picture
that were started to emerge.

I got into campus parking lot, but I remained in the car, and started
frantically to dial the number.  I wasn't sure if Steven was in our room or
not, and I needed privacy for this call. Luckily, she answered.

"Hey Matty, how's it hanging?" she was her usual cheerful self.

"Hey Mary...I need to talk to you, like right now."

"Okay..."she drawled, in her best Kansas-city-girl accent. She was good at
it, but now I did not have patience for it.

"Its about you-know-whom." I pressed on.

"Oh, I knew it," she remained casual, and then she quickly turned the pace
several notches up: "Don't tell me! Him and you! Seriously?" she got all
excited, and I couldn't tell was she messing with me or not.

"Listen! It's nothing like that...well, sorta." I stopped, not knowing
where to begin. I decided to go from last night, all of the events,
including dreaded sleepover and the events from today. It took e almost
twenty minutes to convey the whole story, during which Mary did not say
much.

"Wow...that's quite an adventure there, kiddo," she replied, then remained
silent for a while. I was anxiously waiting for her answer.

"Well, now you got me confused. If everything is the way you described to
me, you are lucky to be alive, to start with. And I don't really know what
to say about the whole "sleeping in the same bed" situation. You said he
hugged you?"

"Aha..."

She remained silent for a moment.

"Well, either you are wrong about him being straight, or he is just one of
those guys that is casual about those things. You know, hugging and
touching. It is not that uncommon, you know. Football players are like that
with each other all of the time. He probably has a younger brother that he
treats like that all of the time and he is used to it, while you are
freaking out about it. I still think you need to stay cool and not get your
head stuck in the clouds." She finished.

"I am not! Believe me, in the morning I wanted to disappear from his place
as fast as I could! But he insisted on helping me with the car, so...you
know the rest."

"Hmm. As much as I want to say 'Stay away', my curiosity is dying to find
out what the hell is actually going on over there." She remained silent,
but there was something else hanging in that silence.

"So...you are telling me to...go on?"

"No, no...not at all, how could I...." She laughed." Matt, I must say that
this Hayden is not fitting in the normal patterns. You got me curious about
him now."

"So, you would like to see me as your Guinea pig, wouldn't you?"

She got serious all of the sudden.  "No, I still have to tell you not to
get close, if you can. If it was me, I might do something regarding that,
but I cannot let you play with your emotions. You are a mess as is right
now. No. I still say 'stay away'." she concluded.

"Ok..." I sighed, and we finished our conversation shortly after that. But
as I closed the phone, I decided to be disobedient child for a
change. Where is adventurous Matt from six months ago? I need to stop
living in the bubble. Almost twenty-one, without any experience? That's
gotta change. So what if I crash and burn with Hayden? It will be worth
it. Totally. I wanted to have some story about broken heart, a story that I
could tell later on to whomever I will be with later in my life. About my
first real love, a crush that I had on a hot guy named Nicky in my college
years. Not a fantasy like Aaron Gray. No, a real guy, who is more than a
distant character from a football field.

With that, I flipped my phone open and with determination that was
surprising even me, I dialed the number. I might not be prepared as of yet
to tell Hayden how I feel about him, but that is not going to stop me from
being with him from time to time.



End of ch 12

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