Date: Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:36:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: Zare Scott <raspucin70@yahoo.com>
Subject: Rip Tide chapter 20

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction.  It depicts a romance between
two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act
between two consenting adult males.  If you are not of legal age to read
this kind of story, please leave now.  If you reside in area where reading
stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males
are illegal, please leave now.  This story is for entertainment purposes
only.  Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a
coincidence.  The author retains all rights to this story.  It cannot be
reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the
author(me).  Please contact the author for any requests at
raspucin70@yahoo.com.


Copyright Zare Scott 2009


 Ch 20: Lessons in French

(Matt's point of view)


"Oh my...Why?" Nicki's eyes widened in a surprise, after he open the door
for me.

"It was too long," I replied, stepping in, being really confused with his
reaction. He reached out, his eyes following his hand, as he stroked the
back of my head, now covered only in short hair.

"Yes but...why all of it?" he pleaded, with almost desperation in his
voice. I looked at him -- he was really upset with me having a haircut?
That didn't make any sense whatsoever.

"I'm sorry -- I didn't think it would bother you that much," I replied as
he let me in. I couldn't help noticing that he didn't plant a kiss on me,
the first kiss of the day, the one I was longing for. He closed the door
behind me, still looking at me with that odd mixture of surprise and
regret.

"No, it doesn't matter, I guess...it's just..." now he came closer, tracing
his hand again behind my neck: "You look different."

I didn't respond to him immediately. The touch of his hand on my neck made
me close my eyes. Warmth spread into my shoulders and down my back as I
leaned slightly into his hand. Second later, his lips found mine. I almost
twitched, reacting to that feeling. It bothered me that I still couldn't
fully control my own body whenever he touched me, as if some of my inner
circuits would get overloaded with his touch.

"Sorry...I forgot my manners," he whispered into my mouth, not breaking
contact.

I sighed in content, grabbing his face with both of my hands in the
return. He was right -- I began to expect this as part of his regular
welcome, and missing it would feel very, very odd.

I didn't even know how I could manage to make myself break those kisses
that he would greet me with every day. Those wet, sensual kisses that would
seemingly last forever, as we would usually end up making out in the
hallway for several long minutes. Sometimes Hayden would be more inpatient,
pulling me inside and slamming the door behind, and sometimes I would be
the one who would push him inside and against the wall, kicking the door
shut behind me. First time when that happened, I realized how hasty and
pushy I was, only when Nicki's lips parted underneath mine with a smile:

"Wow...where's the fire?"

I still remember how I blushed, realizing that such a daring move was
really uncharacteristic for me. But my need to feel his lips had pushed all
the rules and restraints away, somewhere far away from the thick blanket of
norms that I was abiding by all my life. And it felt good to have those
rules tossed out of the window, for a change. I had been kissed before in
my life, at the time when I tried to date girls, but somehow, this was a
completely different feeling. Kissing became my daily drug. I didn't even
know when exactly I realized that I loved it so much. And kissing Hayden
was...different, very different. His kisses always seemed unreal for the
amount of sensation that I would go trough every time our lips would
touch. It was just an outstanding experience, which would electrify my
whole body, energizing every nerve ending and filling me with weird tingles
from head to toe. And that first kiss of the day was always the explosive,
unyielding
 one, the one that I would impatiently wait all day to happen. The moment
when he would open the door and hungrily plant his lips on mine, following
with always ever so gentle, voiceless request of his tongue, moving across
my lips. I would almost shudder when his tongue would lightly touch mine,
as if he was asking for permission to part my lips further.  And the
exquisite feel of his tongue, probing my mouth, would send my taste buds on
override. I would remember almost every second of every part of that kiss
throughout the whole next day, feeling tactile hallucinations of that
specific incredible taste, as if his mouth was still on mine, hours after
it was all over.

That's why I felt a little pang of fear when that first kiss didn't
happen. Even now, when I was thirstily kissing Hayden back, it still echoed
warningly in my brain not to let that happen again.

"I will grow it again...if you want me to," I gasped into his mouth. He
broke our kiss and looked at me, surprise reflecting in his eyes:

"Oh, don't do it for me...If you like it short, leave it like that. You
don't have to ask for my permission," he finished, pressing his lips on
mine again. But I noticed that his right hand made that slight motion, as
if he was trying to move strands of now non-existing hair off of my cheek
out of habit. I was positive that he didn't even notice that, but traces
that his fingers left behind felt as if they were imprinted on my temple.


(Hayden's point f view)

	I had just opened my notebook reviewing the notes from my previous
Physics II class, when someone abruptly sat in the seat next to mine,
dropping his backpack on the ground. I looked up. Scott was leaning over,
digging out his own notebook.

"Can I see what you did last time?" he asked. His voice did not reveal any
emotions.

I wasn't sure what to think. It has been almost a week since the four of us
had lunch at that Mexican restaurant, and since then there was absolute
zero communications in between Scott and me. That is, until now, when he
asked for my notes in his usual manner. If this was his way of trying to
smooth things over, I had to approach it gently. I knew that he could get
the notes from other people in the class, and yet, he was asking me for
them, telling me in his own way that he was trying to establish a
contact. I decided to play it safe.

"Sure, here you go." I slid the notebook to him. He scanned it trough, not
even bothering to actually copy any of the notes down. Now I was certain
that he was trying to talk to me, and him being Scott, he was totally new
to the territory of being careful and gentle.

"Um...listen, about the other day..." He started, fidgeting with corner of
the notebook. "I might have overreacted a bit. I still think that you are
full of bullshit trying to sell the story that you are..." he lowered his
voice, looking nervously around, and than continued. "I mean, you are still
my buddy, and...you know -- it's kind of hard for me to digest something
like that." He scratched back of his head nervously. For Scott to be this
apologetic, it meant a lot of self control and careful word choosing. I
nodded, acknowledging his apology.

"So...I still want to hang with you and Courtney...um, with you guys in
cafeteria, but...give me some time. Ok?" he turned to me, with a smile
forming on his face.

I couldn't be mad at Scott. He was genuinely a nice guy, just a little
rough around the edges. I smiled back at him, but suddenly, I realized that
my answer to him changed in a split of a second. Normally, I would say
something like: "Whatever, it's okay" or something similar, because I
really did not care about trivial things like holding a grudge if there was
no real damage in question. But in a fraction of a moment, I realized that
it is not just me who I need to think for. There was another person who I
felt strongly about, and I couldn't have his feelings being left
unprotected in this case. It felt as if I have responsibility from my side,
to keep those feelings unscathed. The sudden inner outburst of
protectiveness surprised even me:

"If you will behave," I growled, still managing my words to sound light
enough...but not too light for him to take it lightheartedly.

Scott grinned in his trade-mark smile, and than nodded and bolted out of
his seat. I didn't bother to see where he went. I realized that there was a
strange feeling present inside of me, like there was a part of another
person nested comfortably in a portion of my soul. I realized that at that
moment, I've considered Matt as integral part of my being, almost as a part
of my family.

No. Closer than that.

I realized that for me, Matt was unconditionally part of me, part of my
being, a part of my life.



(Matt's point of view)

"It's my fault - entirely. I cannot even say it enough. Please forgive me,"

I was sitting in my Biology lab, waiting for the lab assistant to start the
lecture, trying to pass the time by deleting some of the old messages from
my phone. And I stumbled on this one. Needles to say, it stirred a lot of
uncomfortable memories in me.

That night, I got back home from Hayden's place, shivering a bit. I was not
that cold, even though the night air was really chilly. I know why I was
trembling. It had nothing to do with the temperature. It was the emotional
rollercoaster that I was still on, despite the fact that I left Hayden's
house almost half an hour ago. Strangely enough, I did not feel any
apprehension, which would stem or explain the anxiety. I texted him,
letting him know that I got home, while still trying to collect my
thoughts. All I could think of was that I made another embarrassing
scene. It made me feel really guilty, regretful, and above all, I was
feeling that I had let Hayden down, once again. Anger started to mix with
the guilt in my mind. Why was I so fearful about what he was asking me? Why
is my brain so fucked up about it, that I cannot let the things be? I felt
flawed and inferior, not worthy of all the attention that Nicki was giving
to me. I cringed,
 remembering the shock in his eyes when I told him about my
inexperience. And him being so understanding almost made it worse. Maybe if
he was just a bit more assertive, maybe if I pushed myself beyond my
internal blockade, maybe...

I clenched my teeth. "Maybe if you weren't such a screw-up, maybe this
would not be such a big of a deal," I growled in my head. Hayden would
never do such a thing, even if he assumed that was possibly the push I
needed. But I knew that there was no way for Nicki to act that way. He did
absolutely nothing but being himself, considerate and understanding. It was
me who ruined everything. I felt so guilty, but it was too late now. I
disappointed him, once again. Quickly, I typed another message, but that
did not bring any peace to me. I had a feeling that what happened tonight
will haunt me for a while.

I sighed, remembering how I got another unpleasant reminder that night,
when I opened my backpack to get my books put. As soon as I opened it up, I
saw the carefully packed lasagna that he gave to me before I left. Guilt
surged up in me even more, stabbing me somehow from the inside of my gut. I
almost went back to his house at that moment.

"He deserves someone better than me," I mused, disheartened. The notion of
what seemed endless selflessness on his behalf, made me grab my phone
again, hesitantly punching the letters in the message. Halfway through it,
my fingers slowed down to a stop. No matter what I say, it's not going to
change anything tonight. Even if...even if I go back there tonight,
maybe...

I started to bite my lip. Confusing thoughts were buzzing trough my
head. Now that Hayden knows, would it be different if I go back to his
place tonight? Now, that I know what I would happen if I go there, maybe I
would not be so stressed out as I am right now. I contemplated it for one
long minute, nervously playing with the phone in my hand, when it chimed
with a message. My eyes opened wide in a surprise when I read it.


What the hell is he talking about? His fault?  I was really stunned with
his response, when another message arrived: "If you want to talk, I will be
online for a while."

I couldn't wait for my slow laptop to get online fast enough, for me to
type my response to him. For some reason, I found that it was much easier
to talk to him online than in person. "I'm such a nerd," I shook my head in
disbelief, sending my message.

Someone nudged me on my shoulder so suddenly that I jumped up in my
seat. Aaron was looking at me intently, his blue eyes focused on mine, and
than he chuckled, his freckled cheeks wrinkling in joy.

"Rêveur," he said, giving me the lab handout.

Embarrassed, I looked around, closing my cell phone. I was so engrossed in
my reflections that the real-life surrounding of the Biology lab seemed
strangely unreal for couple moments. The lab assistant was passing the lab
handouts to the table behind us. I didn't even notice that she arrived and
started the lab. I pulled my notebook out, realizing that Aaron was still
looking at me. I glanced at him, feeling his gaze. He immediately shied his
eyes away from mine, far too quickly. The word that he uttered moment ago
came into my mind, spiking curiosity in me:

"Ronnie?"

He turned his eyes to me again. For a second I noticed a remarkable mixture
of embarrassment and eagerness in his eyes, as if he couldn't keep his
emotions in check for that brief moment. It lasted only for a second, and
than he smiled.

"Oui?" Eagerness returned to his eyes, confusing me even more about its
origin. And again, the word rolled of his tongue in the same soft voice,
encouraging my question.

"You have an accent...Are you from Europe?"

He chuckled, blushing and hiding his eyes from me now.

"Canada," he murmured, in half voice, glancing shyly at me now.

"Oh, okay," I said, realizing that his accent was coming from the French
cadence, which wasn't even that hard to notice. I continued:

"Can I ask you something?"

The change in his expression was instantaneous; he lifted his head,
focusing his blue eyes on me, too keenly for my comfort.

"You see...I don't know French at all...so when you say something in
French, I have no clue what you meant."

"Oh." Disappointment flashed briefly across his face, and than he smiled
and nodded.

"No problem. No more of the `Eh' stuff," he said, making me laugh silently.

The lab assistant started the lecture, so I turned to the blackboard,
listening to the lecture. But, with the corner of my eye, I caught that
Aaron still had his eyes on me. I glanced at him, but this time he did not
shy his eyes away. Only his smile, still lingering on his lips, was looking
strained for some reason.


(Hayden's point of view)

	Courtney, Matt and I were sitting at the cafeteria, chatting about
upcoming movies, when Courtney nudged to me to take a look over my
shoulder. Scott was at the front counter, paying for his sandwich. Our eyes
met. I nodded to him, and for a second he looked at us, hesitating, but
than he grabbed his sandwich and took off.

"I guess he is still irked," Courtney said smirking to us.

Neither Matt nor I laughed. I noticed that Matt gave me a quick glance, but
I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Eh. It's his move. If he cannot work it out for himself, I can't help
him,"

Courtney agreed, continuing to compare latest superhero movie with its
original comic-book editions, which until minute ago had all three of us
involved in rather heated discussion. Matt joined in, but somehow the
conversation became strained. I leaned over the table, taking another
French fry, listening to their conversation of who would win the battle in
between Green Lantern, Batman and Iron Man. I had to smirk at their
debate. Matt was obviously as knowledgably as Courtney was, so the
discussion took off in mingled opinionated direction.

"Hey, isn't it time to go, Super- hero nerds?" I called out, just to be
hushed in unison from both ends of the table:

"Oh, shut up, Hayden!"

Both Courtney and Matt burst in laughter. I started to shake my head,
feeling as if I'm in pre-school. They both pushed me out of the door,
laughing as we left the cafeteria. Their enthusiasm was contagious, but
something was darkening my mood.

I remembered way to vividly how troubled Scott's eyes were, when he was
looking at me the second before he left.


(Matt's point of view)

	As soon as I stepped into the Biology lab, my nose wrinkled up. The
girl behind me was even more expressive than me:

"Eeeew!" she exclaimed, waving her hand in front of her face. The smell was
really strong, reminding me of the fish shops on the ocean shore. As we all
took our seats, I found out why the whole lab permeated with a strong sea
odor. At the each work station, there was a tray with the dead squid and
some dissecting instruments. I was watching it, just mildly amused. Cutting
up some gelatinous creature in the name of the science was not my idea of
fun.

"Oh Mon Dieu," I heard a familiar soft voice behind be. I turned
around. Aaron was looking at the tray, with a horrified look on his face,
his hand covering his mouth. His shocked eyes were zeroed on the squid, and
then he turned them to me, with a pleading look. I took pity on him. There
was only one dissecting tray for two of us, indicating that we would split
the work.

"Ronnie, I can do most of this. You just keep the notes going, and we will
get this done. Okay?"

He shook his head, agreeing with my suggestion. His hand did not leave his
mouth, as he was pulling the lab notebook out. After the intro, lab
assistant gave us necessary pointers, and drew a sketch of internal
structure of the squid, and what we were supposed to look for, and label in
out notebooks. I started to work, trying not to gag while the scalpel was
cutting into the wobbly mass in the tray. I decided to skip the labeling,
so I can keep the jelly-like mess confined in the dissecting tray, and not
all over my notebook. Soon I was done, and turned to Aaron, who was keeping
the tabs on my work from the far edge of the table.

"Do you want to see it?" I asked him, feeling proud of my newfound surgical
skills.

He came one step closer, and as soon as he took a look inside of the tray,
I saw his pale face going ghostly white as he wavered a bit on his feet. He
caught himself at the edge of the table, looking as if he was getting sick
to his stomach. I could see that he was fighting with the nausea,
swallowing hard and breading deeply, and than he bolted out of the
classroom, holding his hand on his face.

The lab assistant came to over, with concern in her eyes: "Is he okay?" she
asked me.  "I think he got sick...I better go and check on him," I said,
and she nodded.

Sure enough, as soon as I walked in the bathroom, I heard a familiar
sound. I came to a stall where Aaron was hunched over, heaving.

"Hey man...are you alright?" I realized how stupid that statement must
sound, with him doubled over the toilet.

I stepped into the stall, placing my hand on his back. Another violent
shudder shook his body. I grabbed his forehead, as he was still hurling
over and over. Finally, he gradually stopped heaving and managed to stand
up. I helped him to get to the sink. His hair was disheveled mess, and I
could see that he was still shaking as he splashed water on his face. He
turned to me, with his eyes still glazed over, and took one unsteady
step. I managed to get to him just in time before he collapsed.

"I think you better sit down," I said to him. He nodded, and slid down on
the floor. The color was returning to his face, but his hands were still
shaking. He looked at me, his blue eyes looking very tired, and than forged
a smile.

"Merci," he croaked. My eyebrows must have creased, since he corrected
himself instantly: "Thank you."

I smiled back at him, as he extended his hand. It was a weird motion, as if
he was reaching for my face. I grabbed his hand in mine, and I helped him
to stand back up. He looked better, but I could see that he was still
shaken with all that he had been trough. I placed my hand on his shoulder,
looking worryingly at him:

"Are you ok now?"

He didn't answer immediately. He was still looking at me, with his eyes
locked with mine, and than he said something else in his soft voice,
extending his hand again to side of my face:

"Vos yeux... ils sont enchantants,"

"What? Dude, you have to stop speaking French to me," I smiled at him, not
quite sure what exactly was going on. The whole situation was getting a
little too uncomfortable to me, him looking at me that intently. I glanced
over to his hand that was frozen in space next to my face. He saw my
glance, and instantly withdrew his hand, way too quickly.

"I better go," he didn't even finish that sentence, as he turned around and
left, leaving me really puzzled. The whole situation was a bit too surreal
for my taste, but what made a lasting impression was not another French
sentence from him; it was the look that he gave to me, seconds before he
bolted from the bathroom.

It was the same look Nicki would have when he would look at me.

I shook my head, and decided to return to the lab. I didn't want to place
too much thought into it, with him being so shaken up. And I was sure that
he will make another joke out of it. But when I came back, I found his seat
empty. Laboratory assistant informed me that she gave Aaron permission to
leave. I frowned about that, since I had to finish everything myself, but
than I discovered that he had left me his notebook, with a clearly marked
diagram of that day's lab. I cleared the dissecting tray and washed up, and
than I sat down to copy his diagram. It didn't take me long, since he did a
good job of labeling everything, so I was soon ready to go. I was already
putting all of my stuff away, along with his notebook, when it opened up in
my hands, revealing writing on its last page. I glanced at it, curiously.

"Of course it is in French," I frowned. As I was about to stow it in my
backpack, something caught my eye. I yanked his notebook back out, finding
the last page again, and looking at the writing more carefully. I guess I
shouldn't think of finding my name in his notebook odd, but the whole image
held more than that.

"Un amour est venu à moi avec les yeux bleus comme le saphir foudre chez
moi Matthew à côté de moi"

I didn't know French at all, but it was odd to find my name written in what
looked like... a poem? This was getting weird. I looked around, with
curiosity pushing me to ask around the lab if anyone knew French, but I
decided against it. This was not my notebook. And for all I knew, this
could be a part of his lab notes. Something about keeping his privacy
crossed my mind, but than a new thought overshadowed it, totally overtaking
the previous one: Mary knew French -- she was always reading books in the
bookstore where she worked, claiming how French is so much more gentle than
English. I debated about it for another moment, and than curiosity took
better of me. I pulled out my cell phone and carefully entered the text,
with my request. After a moment of thinking, I replaced my name in it. "A
`Claire' instead of `Matthew', so nobody would get suspicious," I grinned
to myself, sending the message.

Not even five minutes later, I got a snide remark back from her: "Do your
own homework."

I laughed silently and typed back more explanation. Several minutes later,
my phone chimed back. I opened up the message:

"A love came to me with eyes blue as sapphires lightning within me Claire
next to me"

I stared at the phone, shocked. That was a love poem!

My phone chimed once again, but I ignored that second message from
Mary. This day was getting weird at an exponential rate. Suddenly, many
things made sense. Ronnie's constant staring when he would think that I am
not looking. Him being so flustered when I would ask him for something. And
the moment in the bathroom...I shook my head, almost smiling despite the
uneasiness. It felt really weird to find out that someone has a crush on
me...well, except for Hayden.

Hayden.

My forehead creased. I am sure he would have a good laugh about this, but
does he needs to know about this whole ordeal? I start chewing on my lip,
thinking about it. On one hand, I felt as if this should not concern
him. And on the other, I felt that I should share all of my daily life with
him. After all, we are as close to a couple as we could get, so...

Except...

I bit my lip again. The situation with Aaron faded quickly in the
background, as my daily worry started to emerge again. Or more precisely,
my nightly worry.

Even Hayden was very nonchalant about the whole issue about sex, I knew
that he was being patient beyond what I could ask from him to be. In the
past few days, he would escort me without hesitation when I would say that
it was getting late, kiss me goodbye at the doorstep, and that would be
it. But I knew how much he is actually shoving under the carpet. I knew it,
because more and more I would catch myself thinking about the same
thing. About us...being together. About taking our usual making-out routine
one step further...and than couple of steps more. About what I would do,
and what he would do. Yes, those thoughts have been buzzing through my head
as well, very vividly, disrupting my concentration in most inconvenient
manner and my daily routine. They would wake me up in the morning,
demanding attention, and when I would go to sleep they would be still be
present. In all honesty, I hated the fact that I was cowardly avoiding the
subject, as if it was
 some monster that was lurking in the proverbial closet. And I had to admit
that I realized that I begun hating sleeping alone, with my bed feeling
more and more desolate each and every night. I sighed, deciding that
despite the fact that climbing over that one step was still very, very
frightening to me, I need to do something about that. If not because of me,
than because of Hayden. It just didn't seem fair to him.

"Tonight, I will talk about it with Nicki. And see what will happen. Nicki
is not going to eat you," I thought to myself, and than a sly smile came
across my face:

"Maybe that is exactly what you want, after all."


(Hayden's point of view)

	The rain was drumming on the windows outside, somehow making the
whole evening even cozier. Matt and I were curled together on the couch,
covered with a blanket. Both of us were reading our textbooks, trying to
catch up with our material, and spend some time together as well. It wasn't
really working well, since we would interrupt each other several times an
hour with some study - spoiling making out. And yet, I would never complain
about the interruptions, even if that meant indeed that my pace was really
slowed down, since it was difficult for me to remained focused, when I had
Matt right there next to me. Once again, my mind wandered off, as I was
recollecting the scene from the cafeteria from this morning. I had some
vague feeling that was lingering in the back of my head that Scott would
never get over his prejudices. I really hated the fact that I was forced to
choose in between friends. On the other hand, it was not me who made that
choice,
 which should made me to feel better, but somehow it did not. It still did
not sit well in my stomach, and it actually hurt me to see Scott not
joining us, as if we became mortal enemies, meeting on some neutral
ground. Thankfully, Courtney was keeping the good mood, and I was grateful
her for that. However, at the same time, I begun to realize that how uneasy
that might be for her, to hang with us. Being around me, and knowing that I
am not interested in her anymore, was not an easy thing to do. She acted as
if everything was alright, but I decided to keep a better eye on her. If
her feelings were getting hurt, maybe it would be better not to have the
cafeteria meetings for a while. Or maybe I should talk to her, before Scott
makes another scene and -

A hand gently ruffled my hair, bringing me back to the couch, in my softly
lighted living room, and to the more important issues than Scott's
rudeness. Matt leaned into me, resting his back on my chest. I buried my
face in his hair, inhaling his scent. Things like that were indescribable
and timeless to me. The soft scent of his hair, the closeness of his body
leaned on my chest, his left hand, which was bent somewhat awkwardly so he
could tousle my hair -- all that I was unable to put in a sentence. It just
felt so right, so perfect. He remained quiet for a moment, and than he
moved his hand back over mine, which was folded across his chest. Somehow,
he did not seem relaxed as usual. I kissed him on the nape of the neck, but
that didn't provoke the usual tickle-laughing outbreak from him.

"Are you okay?" I asked him softly.

He sighed a bit, squeezing my hand, but not really answering me. I remained
motionless, knowing that something was bothering him. It was hanging in the
air, like the smoke after the cigarette was already put out. Indeed, he
sighed again, and started, hesitantly:

"Hayden...about..."

I waited in tensed silence, but he did not finish his sentence. I knew what
he was fretting about. I could feel it in the air for a long time now,
almost every time we would be alone at late night hour such as this one. I
could feel that he was tensing up, that he was trying to get it out of him,
but there were just too many things in him that were not meshing up just
yet.

"Its okay," I whispered in his neck, rubbing his chest gently. "You are not
ready, so don't worry about it." I emphasized my words with a gentle hug.

"I want to be," he said, in barely audible voice.

"Shhh...." I whispered to his hair.

"But...its not fair...to you," he was really struggling to keep up the
conversation going, pushing the words out of him with a great effort.

"I'm not that fragile," I murmured in his neck. Indeed, at that moment, I
was feeling more than content, just having him in my arms. The decision of
waiting with the physical part of our relationship was a difficult one, but
I was happy to follow up on that notion. The realization of his
self-doubting anxiety was enough for me to decide to wait, rather than to
be hasty. And despite reactions of my body and the yearning that I was
feeling daily, I was more than happy to sacrifice that little, instead of
losing a lot. Unlike me, Matt had yet to cover a lot of ground, and I was
determined to let him do that in his own pace. Despite what I would have to
go through every day, several times. I wanted him, but I was not going to
make the same mistake as I did two nights ago. In the light of harming him,
my lust would always retreat, ashamed of those carnal thoughts, as some
animal that would retreat back into its cave.

"I am not that fragile," I repeated the words, this time more to myself,
hugging him even tighter.



  (Matt's point of view)

I got to Hayden's place just in time to see him arriving on his bike. Even
before he took his helmet off, I saw that he was grinning from ear to
ear. I watched as he shut the bike off and took off his helmet, still
smiling at me.

"Hey," he called to me, waking me up from my stare. He was wearing a pair
of jeans and a leather motorcycle jacket, which had stripes running down
the sleeves. Even zipped all the way up, made him look sexy as hell. It was
just something about the whole look -- him in plain faded jeans and that
jacket, which was accenting his broad shoulders, left me seeking for
words. He dismounted the bike as I came over to him.

"Hey there yourself, biker-boy," I replied, coming closer. "That is one
sexy machine," I grinned at him, realizing that my comment was not just on
the bike. He just smiled at me, retrieving the garage door opener from his
pocket.

"Maybe one day I can persuade you to take me for a ride," I said, gazing
lustfully over the shiny paint.

"Mmmm," he wiggled his eyebrows at me, lowering his head to give me a look
underneath his eyelashes, with his lips breaking into that lopsided
smile. The one that would give him the wolf-like appearance, making my legs
quiver and turning my stomach into a mush. I stepped closer to him, with
his bike now in between us.

I hesitated for a second, taking a hold of his arm that he was holding the
bike with. It was difficult for me to be so close to him, and yet so far
away. Under my fingers I could feel edge of his jacket sleeve, but what
made me smile, was that I felt the familiar sensation of the bracelet on
his wrist. Despite the fact that I couldn't do what I wanted to at this
moment, it warmed my heart to feel recognizable sensation of links of the
bracelet under my fingers.  He understood my dithering, and his eyes became
serious. Making out in the middle of the street was not really advisable,
no matter how quiet the neighborhood might appear. His smile returned,
brightening his face.

"Let me put my bike away, Mister I-cannot-wait-for-my-kiss," he smirked.

I feigned an offended expression, which made him chuckle. I followed him up
into the garage, thinking impatiently about those couple long minutes that
I have to endure before we get into the house. And yet, he was the one who
couldn't wait until garage door closed completely behind us, as he left his
bike awkwardly parked in the walkway, far away from the spot where it
usually sat.

"Mmmm," I murmured, relaxing in his arms, and than smiled underneath his
lips.

"What?" he looked at me in a surprise.

"Your jacket...it smells so good," I answered, returning my lips to his.

"Silly boy," he muttered, and than sighed satisfyingly himself when I slid
my hands underneath his jacket, encompassing his body closer to mine.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

"Starving. I went on a ride before I ate," he admitted, opening the door to
the house.

"I made something for us," I proudly shook my backpack, heavy with its
content.

The look of disbelief on his face was almost comical.

"I can cook!" I said in mock offended tone. He laughed, turning palms of
his hands towards me in surrendering motion.

"Okay, okay! I am actually glad that you did, since it is getting late, and
I'm really hungry," he admitted.

It turned out that he really liked one of few meals that I can cook
myself. As we were cleaning the kitchen table, I told him about
Aaron. Nicki's reaction was exactly what I anticipated: he laughed his head
off. I was glad that he wasn't jealous, and he made that very clear. I was
very relieved to see that. Deep inside of me, I knew that I wouldn't be
that easy-going if situation was other way around, but Hayden was totally
relaxed and joked more about it, as the night went on and we moved to our
usual spot in his living room. We both broke out our books, but the
cuddling in front of the TV took precedence for that evening. Both of us
got engrossed in one of the detective shows, enjoying the evening too much
for it to get spoiled by studying.

That evening, it was very hard for me to leave. I wanted to stay, but I was
really unsure how Nicki would read into such a request. And for me to ask
just to sleep over, sounded shallow and small-minded. I really didn't want
to give him false hope, so halfheartedly, I left.

 (Hayden's point of view)

	I stepped out to my car, and than looked at the sky. It was a
pleasant and crisp morning, with only few clouds in sight, promising even
nicer day. I changed my mind about taking the car to school in a second,
and got back inside to grab my bike gear.  As soon as I hit the first
corner with the bike, I smiled in my helmet. "This was a right decision," I
thought to myself, twisting the throttle even more and listening to the
engine growl underneath me. I loved the fact that it was warm enough for me
to ride the bike again, for the second time in just few days.

"Having the car is a necessity, but having a bike is pure fun," I smiled in
my helmet, twisting the throttle even more on one of the straight ways, and
enjoying how the bike eagerly lurched forward.

I got to school in no time, still grinning. Some times it doesn't take that
much to jumpstart the day in the best way possible. I locked my helmet onto
the bike and I started to walk toward the science building complex, putting
my gloves in my backpack. But than, I noticed that my wrist seemed oddly
bare. I dropped the backpack, in haste to unzip bottom of my jacket sleeve.

The bracelet that Matt gave to me, was gone.

I coursed out loud, and started to look frantically around the parking lot,
backtracking my steps to the parked bike. Nothing. For the next fifteen
minutes I was looking around the parking lot, mimicking my path as I rode
into the school. I was hoping that the heavy bracelet would be easy to spot
on the black asphalt, but my search proved unsuccessful. I knew what
happened. My hand was grabbing the handlebar in such a manner that the
wrist was placing a lot of strain on already tight bracelet. In the heat of
riding, I didn't even notice that it broke and fell off. For all I knew, it
might had have fallen off in the middle of the forest road, miles away from
here. I sighed angrily, making one last sweep across the parking lot. Now I
was even running late for the class. I grabbed my backpack and ran to the
class, cursing all the way. I guess I could find a similar bracelet, but
what bothered me was the fact that Matt had have put so much thought into
 that gift, and now I've lost it. Not mentioning how expensive it was.

"Real nice, Hayden," I growled to myself, running upstairs to my lecture
hall.

(Matt's point of view)

	I bit into my sandwich, realizing that I was really hungry. I was
sitting in front of my advisor's office, waiting for her to call me in. Her
office was on the second floor of the administration building, facing the
small courtyard that was empty at this time of the morning. I had to miss a
class to get this done, but I needed to see the advisor regarding my
schedule for the next semester. I was actually grateful for it today since
it was really nice outside, and it felt good to feel a fresh breeze while I
was sitting on the bench outside of advisor's office. My thoughts started
to drift as I was absentmindedly munching on my sandwich. I had two lab
reports that were due soon, calculus test tomorrow, and a major exam next
week, for which I haven't yet started to study for. Despite all those
obligations, I smiled silently. All of those were not even fazing me one
bit, since my life had a new meaning to it. I had someone; I had a reason
to look
 forward to every moment that I would spend with him. The moments that I
was away from Hayden seemed endless, and the mornings seemed to drag
unfairly slow. But every afternoon would be glorious, filled with nothing
but utter feeling of total bliss and happiness. The time that Hayden and I
would spend together seemed as if it belonged in some other, enchanted
place, far away from daily mundane routines and boring tasks. Smiling, I
took another bite of my sandwich when I heard a not-so muffled shriek that
came from ground floor.

"Hayden!"

My ears perked up. Not many people carried that name around here. And what
caught my attention was that the voice was unmistakably female. I craned my
whole body in attempt to look on the floor underneath me. Unfortunately,
the walkway was completely covering what was happening on the floor
below. I could only catch a reflection of what was going on in the window
from the office across the courtyard. There was a blur of long blond hair
as the girl jumped into the guy's arms, and he twirled her several times
around him before settling her down on the ground. She hugged him again,
giving me a chance to get more details. The office window was distorting
the images a bit, but I saw that the guy had jacket that I would recognize
from a mile away. It was the same motorcycle leather jacket as Nicki had,
the one with white stripes running down the sleeves.

"Gabrielle! What's up, sexy?"

That was Hayden's voice. Now there was no doubt in my mind that it was him
on the floor below me. Now I was really curious, with my eyes glued to the
window that was reflecting what was going on underneath.

"Not much, classes as usual...I haven't seen you in ages! You forgot all
about me!" The blond playfully smacked Nicki on the shoulder.

"Yeah, we should get together sometimes," I heard Nicki's response.

"No. Not: `Sometimes'. I want to get with you sooner that that. I need my
cardio. It's not the same with my boyfriend. Ian is good, but he cannot
keep up with me. Half an hour, and he is done! You are the only one that
can really wear me out. Last time I could barely walk for three days!"

My jaw went slack from the conversation that I was overhearing. The blonde
was describing what apparently was rather involved and spicy thing that
they had had sometimes in the past -- and she was not even trying to be
quiet and discrete about it!

My lips curled a bit. Hayden's past was definitively colorful, and
apparently this was one of his former flings that he had had good time with
once. Or, more than once.

"Okay, but you have to be quiet. Last time the people were complaining
about the noise, and the place was booked under my name."

Did Hayden said that? I felt a chilling sensation coursing trough me,
almost making me miss the answer from the blonde.

"How about this Friday?" she asked. My ears were humming with the blood
that was flowing trough them, as I was straining to hear the rest of the
conversation.

"Yeah, Friday is fine. But it has to be around noon, I'm busy with
something after that," Hayden replied.

"Sweet! I cannot wait...save yourself for me than, stud! Love you!" The
blonde trotted away.

I collapsed in my seat staring at the wall in front of me. It can't be. It
simply can't. Nicki wouldn't do something like that to me. We are
together. We are...

"Matthew?" I heard advisor's voice calling me as she perked her head from
her office.

I went in there, and after half an hour I was out, not remembering a single
thing what she discussed with me. I was still clutching a bunch of papers
that she gave me, coming down the stairs, one heavy step at the time, when
it hit me again. I felt nauseated and weak. I grabbed the rail and sat
down.

All the insecurities, all the things that I doubted, came back to me like
an avalanche. It was not anymore a taunting feeling that would bother me
from the background of my mind. Like a puzzle, pieces came together. Small
stuff, little things that peaked here and there came to me as an angry mob,
providing explanations in blizzard of clarity.

The moment on the airplane, when Hayden was flirting with the
stewardess. The scene at the restaurant, Scott screaming at Hayden, saying
how he known him better than to be with a guy. The fact that suddenly, he
didn't mind waiting for me anymore. The whole bunch of unnamed, little
things that were bothering me and I didn't even knew why, gnawing me from
the inside, emerged out of the blue, rearing their ugly heads.

And now...and now...

Hayden, readily agreeing to have sex with that blonde, almost under my
nose. What was her name? Gabrielle?

My fists clenched in bitter-tasting rage, which seemed as if it was
fiercely biting every cell in my body from the inside, unfocused and
blind. My eyes filled with angry tears. I felt nothing but blind hate for
her at that moment, a hate that was making my teeth to grind, and my face
to feel as if it was on fire. But most of all, I felt betrayed, mislead,
cheated on. How could he? I clenched my fists so tightly that my knuckles
were turning white, and yet I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. I still
couldn't phantom what happened. Not my Nicki. Not him.

I remained on the stairs for almost half an hour. I completely forgot that
I had my Sociology class that I was supposed to go, but at that moment, I
couldn't even think clear enough to remember where the classroom was. Now
my mind had have settled down a bit, I tried to rationalize with what I
heard. In spite of all reasoning, I was still seething inside, while I was
trying to place a different angle on the picture. I still couldn't forget
myself for bolting on Hayden week before Christmas, just because I was so
rash with my conclusions, and even worse about my decisions. I knew that I
need to at least try to think it through, to make some sense out of it. But
the more I was thinking, the more sense it did started to make. And the
trouble was, it was only the wrong kind of sense, the reasoning that was
making the stone in my stomach only to grow bigger and colder.

Out of million things that were circling in my head at that moment, one of
them was simply too loud to ignore.

"What makes you think that Hayden still doesn't want girls in his life?"

No matter how I would rearrange the facts in my head, that one was still
sitting in front of the heard, smiling condescendingly at me, singeing a
hole in my chest.

Hayden wants a girl in his life.

No matter how much I tried to alter things to my advantage, that one was
still falling face up, like in some Devil's card game.

That's why he wants me to have longer hair. His surprise when I was being
little more dominant. And that also gave me explanation why he doesn't mind
me being so persistent in my avoidance of sleeping with him.

"I have been such an idiot," I thought to myself. He doesn't need me. He
had found the way around me, other way to...how did that girl put it? "Do
cardio?" Her smug euphemism made my stomach turn in disgust.

For the up tenth time, my teeth grinded as the scene replayed in my head,
as if it was stuck on a loop.

"Only you could wear me out...I couldn't walk for three days after last
time...It's not the same with my boyfriend..." I made the replay in my head
stop, because I was getting mad all over again.

"How could he?" I asked myself, shutting my eyelids firmly, fighting tears.

The most logical answer came to me, without me even trying to think it
trough. A sexual being like Hayden couldn't wait for me to make up my
mind. For weeks I was watching him being more and more upfront with his
advances, and I turned him down every time. It was only natural that he
would seek for it somewhere else. And I couldn't blame him. He was just
being a normal young human being, just like myself. But while I was trying
to prepare my incisive brain to catch up with my body, he moved on.

"And was this the first time?" a thought stabbed me, viciously enough to
make me physically cringe.

It still hurt, no matter how much spin of reality I would add to it. It
still felt as I was stabbed million times, from every possible angle, for
every time when were together. Every kiss, every touch was just emphasizing
the intensity of betrayal that I was feeling.  And for him to say "I'm busy
with something after that."

Was I just "something" to him? An experiment? Something to have just to
pass the time, or a phase in his life?

I stood up, still not ready to get on with the rest of my day. I just
couldn't be here anymore. The view of the courtyard was taunting me,
despite being filled with usual crowd of students. I felt fragile and open
to everything, just like someone had have skinned me completely, leaving me
exposed even to the slightest harm. I sighed in a long-drawn-out breath,
getting down the rest of the stairs, one heavy step at the time. Without
even thinking, I realized that I am going towards the parking lot,
unmistakably on my way home. I knew that I was in no mood or capability of
socializing at that moment, so I decided meekly to follow my un-voted
decision.

As I was going across the courtyard towards the parking, I heard someone
calling my name. I knew who it was. Even at the distance, I could recognize
his voice. I stubbornly continued on, pretending that I haven't heard him,
hoping that no one noticed that I almost twitched as I heard him calling
me.

"Matt!" This time it was much closer. I realized that he was trying to
catch up with me. I sighed and stopped, gathering myself before I turned
around. I knew that this was going to take a lot of strength that I didn't
know if I had in me at that moment.

Hayden jogged to me, smiling. I had to swallow a lump that was lodged in my
throat. I wanted to leave that image burned in my mind. He was still
excruciatingly beautiful in every aspect, a gorgeous specimen of human
beauty, looking masculine without flaunting it, or being aware of his
influence to me. I studied his gracious light jog until he stopped in front
of me. He was indeed wearing his motorcycle jacket, with the unzipped
sleeves revealing his forearms, looking sexy as hell. His eyes were as warm
as ever, sending melting feelings trough my body. I bit my lip. It took a
lot of effort not to hug him right there, letting all the Gabrielles in the
world disappear, at least for that moment. To have him for me, once
again. To let him have his fun, turning a blind eye and keeping him,
despite the lies.

"Hey, I was just about to text you. Aren't you supposed to be in class?"
his voice interrupted my strained thinking. There was absolutely no
difference in his voice, or his demeanor. He was looking as relaxed as
always.

"How can he be so composed? After what he arranged with that blonde, not
even an hour ago?" an angry thought ran trough my head, but my voice was
calm when I responded to him:

"No. I'm ditching classes for the rest of the day."

His eyes widened a bit: "Oh...okay. I guess I will see you later than."

"I am not sure. I have some stuff to do." My mind was remarkably calm,
almost icy as I was replying to him.

"No?" He cocked his head a bit, surprised, and than looked at me more
seriously: "Is everything okay?"

"Yes. I just need some time alone." My shield was cracking a bit under his
gaze. I had to hurry up.

"Matt." His eyes were flowing with concern, as he reached for my elbow. He
was gentle as always, but I wiggled it from his grasp. His look became
bewildered: "Matt, what is going on?"

"Look, I just need some time alone. That is all." I couldn't look at him
anymore. I felt as if my shield was made of ice, which was thinning and
cracking left and right under his stare.

He went silent. I looked at him briefly, just in time to see a look of
shock disappearing from his eyes. I more felt than saw that he stepped away
from me.

"Hm. Okay. If you wish so..." his voice trailed off, but it seemed as if he
left a lot more that he wanted to say, hanging in the air. The silence was
heavy as I was looking down the parking lot. His eyes were still on me, but
I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I knew that if I did, my shield
would be gone completely. And again, I was on the verge to let everything
go, and to live in a beautiful farce instead tolerating this excruciating
silence.  At that moment, the image of that blonde in his arms came back to
me, and a devious idea came to my head.

"I'm not going to my lab on Friday. Do you want to go somewhere for the
whole day?" I almost choked at my own words, and how poisonous they felt on
my tongue.

He looked at me for a second, than he answered slowly:

"I can't. I made plans with Scott to go to the gym. But I can call him and
cancel --"

"Don't bother," I interrupted him. My Machiavellian plan worked, in the
most shameful way. Now I was positive that he was lying to me. If he
mentioned anyone else but Scott, it would be different. But picking Scott
as an excuse was a slip that told me everything that I needed to know. I
hated the fact that my suspicions got confirmed, and in such transparent,
unashamed way. My shield was back around me, ice layer thicker than before,
and now it was flowing into my words.

"And don't bother calling me either. One thing I cannot stand, are lies."

"What? Matt..." his voice was full of disbelief, as he was slowly reaching
out toward me with his right hand. I look at it, as he was holding a weapon
in it. The jacket sleeve opened even more, revealing his forearm. Something
caught my eye...something that was actually missing from that picture. I
grabbed his wrist and lifted it up.

My shield was holding, but my eyes were filling with treacherous tears.

"You are not even wearing the bracelet I gave to you..." my voice finally
cracked.

"Matt, let me --"

I didn't let him finish. I turned around and walked away, while world was
turning into watery blur around me.


End of ch 20


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