Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 12:38:35 -0700
From: Steve Thomas <s4d@hotmail.com>
Subject: Rob-Chapter 1

This is a fictional story. It is based on the few experiences and many
fantasies of the author. If you are really into graphic sex, it may not
satisfy your purpose for coming here. If you like to hear of real love
and real teen angst, with a little sex thrown in, you are in the right
place. There may be some amount of graphic sex between males. If this is
objectionable to you, or you are legally too young to be here, you are
cordially invited to press your back button.

Chapter 1

My name is Robert E. Lee Balser. I was born and raised in Southern
California. But my parents came out here from Louisiana. I wanted to
write down a few highlights of my life, since there are others who have
included me in theirs - and their life stories.

My parents came to California with nothing in the mid 70's. My dad got a
job as a laborer with a small company in Los Angeles. He commuted there
from Orange County every day, because it was too expensive to live in the
city. Now it's too expensive for most people to live in Orange County!

Dad worked hard and his bosses noticed that he had a good rapport with
customers, so he was promoted quickly, until he was made a sales rep.
This was not high-pressure door to door sales, it was a do-your-homework
and make an educated, no-nonsense proposal type sales job. Dad did very
well, and gained a reputation for honesty and integrity

By the time I was in my teens, Dad was vice president of the company, and
we were doing quite well. I didn't see him enough, because he was so
busy doing business, but he believed in quality time when we did have it.
Each year we took a very nice vacation as a family. It was just the three
of us. After losing 2 pregnancies before me and one more after as well as
a 6-week crib death 2 years after I was born, my mom had enough.

The grief of losing so many children took its toll on Mom. She was a very
resilient woman, but there is a limit.

When I was 13, she started going to a psychologist for therapy. Some
others wouldn't have taken that step, but they had plenty of money, and
Dad wanted her to be happy. After 4 years of therapy, she concluded that
she was just going to have to live with the grief all her life.

Then, not knowing about my mom's therapy, my Uncle Jeff from Louisiana
(Jefferson Davis Balser. See a pattern here?) told my dad about a self
realization program he and his family went through.

At first my dad blew it off as another expensive waste of time. But when
my uncle persisted, Dad asked Mom if she wanted to do it. She thought he
meant it as an idea for the two of them, and she agreed. When she
understood that he just wanted HER to go, she balked. No way!

There was a guest presentation for it in our area, and so they decided to
go. They asked me to go with them. I was 17 at the time and being rather
backward socially, I welcomed a reason to get out of the house, yet be in
the protective care of my parents. I was 6'-2" tall -- taller than most
of my school mates.

Because I was tall, I was thought to automatically be good at basketball.
I wasn't. I wrestled a little, but wasn't really good at that either. I
took boxing and also karate as a youth, so I could defend myself. But at
my height, there was seldom any reason to use it. At 17, I weighed in at
170. Most of my friends were in the band, and a couple of them were gay.
I was not attracted to them, or anyone else for that mater -- not even
the girls.

I suppose I gravitated toward the band geeks because I was ridiculed so
much by jocks, who expected me to be sports-coordinated. Then since I was
associated with some gay friends, and I was too shy to date girls much, I
was often branded as a fag myself. I told myself I didn't care. Problem
was, I cared deeply. In P.E. classes -- in the locker room -- I enjoyed
the view. I noticed that all the guys were always checking out the others
in the showers. So I was not alone there, and didn't think I was weird
to be as interested as I was.

I was fairly well endowed myself, and though I felt a tingle occasionally
in the shower, looking at other guys, I never was embarrassed by it with
an "outward manifestation" of my interest, so I just thought it was
totally normal. After all, they were all looking at my considerable
package too!

I guess you could say I was somewhat of a nerd by the time I was 17 -- by
the time I decided to go to that guest presentation. At the presentation,
they told us how their "experiential" training would bring "value" to our
lives, and that we needed to "risk" in order to attain "success". These
were all power-words in their circle. Even at 17 I could recognize this,
as others who had already gone through the experience seems to oooh and
aaaah whenever one of those words was mentioned.

At first I was put off by this, but then we broke into pairs. We had to
choose someone we didn't know to pair off with. What usually happened
was that people who were "graduates" of the program, being emboldened by
their newfound realization, were quick to grab one of us who were guests.
We had badges on that easily differentiated us.

The guy who grabbed me was a smallish boy a half year younger than I was.
I had never seen him before. HE just walked up and said, "I want you!" He
boldly grabbed my hand and pulled me to a pair of chairs. We were
instructed to turn them toward each other.

Paired up as we were, the facilitator had us do some stretching
activities, often reminding us that risk equals value. I found out the
facilitator was right. We were asked to share something with this
stranger that we never told anyone else. He was to do the same. He
whispered to me that he wet his bed until he was 13 years old. That was
only 3 years before for him. I was impressed that he would share this
with me, so I shared something personal with him. To this day, I cannot
remember what it was, but I know that at the time I was very intimidated
to tell him, and after I did tell him, I waited for him to laugh!

He didn't laugh. He looked deep into my eyes and a tear formed in one of
his eyes. He asked me if I ever told anyone else this secret. I said no.
He said he felt privileged that I shared this with him. I felt so
validated! I felt like this little person sitting in front of me, who I
had never seen before, loved me. I liked that concept.

At the end, the facilitator told us to acknowledge each other in whatever
way we chose. The liitel pecker stood up and spread out his arms, hands
open. He wanted me to hug him! That was foreign to me, but I saw others
doing it. Then I looked over at my dad. He was hugging this guy, his eyes
were closed and he looked somewhere close to in heaven. So I followed
suit. This boy hugged me closer than anyone -- including my mom -- had
ever hugged me, and I let it happen.

His feet were in between mine, and our whole bodies were touching. He was
in his tiptoes, and even his face was next to my own! I could feel his
tight little package right next to my own, and I willed mine to stay put
-- or else I was too embarrassed for anything to happen! I was still
ready for more, when the kid loosened his grip on me. I looked into his
eyes and there was such peace and love in them! Never had I ever seen
this -- and certainly not from someone my own age!

My dad had a similar experience as my own, in that we both wanted to do
this seminar as soon as the next one was scheduled. Not my mom. She liked
it, but wanted to think about it. My dad said, "Okay. You think about it
and Robbie and I will go next week. If we like it -- and if you then
decide you want to go too, you can be in the next group.

She thought about it exactly one day. She wanted to be with her family.
So we went into the "training" as a family. Mom was a nurse and she had
to get others to cover for her when she was gone from work. It was always
hard for her to ask anyone for a favor, but she did it, and got the time
off she needed.

Most at the training were there by themselves, but there were two other
couples. There were a couple other young people like myself. At the end
of 4 days, we all felt -- clean -- is the only thing I can express to
you. The training taught us how we handled the world outside ourselves
and how that world perceived us. I was quite surprised to find out that
most people felt I thought I was better than they were. I didn't feel
this way, but I could see now how others thought that.

There was a lesbian there, and she tried to make an issue of that. They
told her that whether she preferred males or females was of no
consequence to them. They encouraged her to embrace her femininity as a
God given gift, instead of trying to hide it. (She was quite butch). She
found out that as she did this, much of her anger went away. She also
found that when her anger went away, there was a vacuum to fill. Most of
her adult life was operated out of anger. She had to learn how to operate
from love instead of anger. She started to see that by the end of our
four days.

The good news -- for her and for us all -- was that those 4 days were
only the start. There was another 4 day seminar, as well as a 6 week
program to teach us to deal with and use our newly learned skills. This
was the highlight of my life up until this point. In there, we learned
that no matter how our parents abused us, they didn't really want to
hurt us. But for most, this was the only way they knew. It was how they
were raised, so they thought it was normal.

We learned that western European -- especially England and Germany -- and
U.S. custom taught men that it was wrong to hug another man. We learned
how WRONG that was. We learned that hugging brought about a closeness
that nothing else could accomplish. Also that much energy could be
exchanged in a hug. It's amazing how a person can generate so much
energy to another person, without losing any himself!

I came out of that 10 weeks a new boy -- or young man! I was still shy,
but I knew it now, knew why, and actually embraced it. I was easily
embarrassed, and that didn't change, but I learned that it was not
something to be ashamed of.

And - - - I loved to hug! I met a girl there, and we really hit it off,
but the leaders made us promise not to get entangled in any kind of love
relationship until 90 days after the training. This was because so many
come into it severely needful. It is easy to mistake the closeness and
familiarity found there -- actually fostered there -- as more than it is.
I kept in contact with Cathy for awhile, but it went no further.

I graduated high in my class. In more ways than one! In the first place,
during my senior year, I grew three more inches, to the height of 6'-5"
tall. I also got very good grades. My parents were wealthy enough that I
didn't really need it, but I got a full scholarship to the University of
California at Berkeley. Dad got me a car for graduation -- a '97 (new!)
Honda Accord. After visiting the campus, I decided to leave the car at
home.

The summer after I graduated and before going to UCB, my dad convinced me
that I would be working hard starting in September, so he said to take
the summer off. I almost did. I got a job as a lifeguard at Huntington
State Beach. There were a few girls, but most of the lifeguards were
guys. We all worked out, so all of us looked pretty good in the lifeguard
surfer shorts that they issued to us. Underneath we each wore a skimpy
Speedo. It was very easy and quick to drop the heavier surfer shorts, if
we had to do a rescue.

I met a girl, Nancy, and a guy, Gary, there -- both lifeguards -- who I
had a particularly good rapport with. I now realize that I was actually
more attracted to Gary than I realized -- or admitted -- at the time. We
double dated all summer long. I was with Nancy and Gary was with his own
girlfriend.

That kind of closeness with Gary was enough for me at the time. As I
said, I didn't even realize that he was anything more than just a friend
at the time. I had really never had an actual close friend. He was as
close as I came to achieving that. He was straight as an arrow, or I may
have found out a bit earlier my own deeply buried feelings toward guys.

I had also never had a girlfriend. I was really taken with Nancy. Nancy
learned early-on that I was committed to not have sexual intercourse
until I was married. She made it her goal to break down my defenses and
get me to give up that idea. I prided myself on my tremendous willpower.
I think I hid my true feelings from them, as well as I did from myself.
It wasn't willpower. I was just not attracted enough to her -- or any
girl -- to lose my "cool".

I remember one particular date -- a double date with Gary and Tanya, and
our last date -- where I almost cracked. It was in a cave at Corona Del
Mar. We were there after dark, and on our blankets. The moon was low
enough in the south-western sky that it was shining directly into the
cave. Our blankets were side by side. We were all four lying there,
getting heavily into kissing. Yes, I liked kissing her. I then heard some
mumbling coming from Gary's blanket. I was facing it, whereas they were
at Nancy's back. I glanced over and there was some repositioning going
on. In the moonlight it was just light enough to see outlines. I could
easily see Gary's face. I was close enough to smell his odor.

Then I heard huffing and puffing. I glanced over and I first saw Gary's
hips gyrating in a thrusting motion. I then looked at his face. He was
sweating and when he caught my eye -- saw I was watching, he gave me that
most delicious smile! I immediately smelled his sweet breath and I just
about creamed in my swimsuit! It didn't occur to me that it was he that
was turning me on and not Tanya or their act. I finally looked away. It
was the first time that I ever had the feeling of being "caught" in my
feelings. I quickly put that out of my mind.

In the mean time, Nancy was rubbing my chest, and kissing my neck. She
worked her way down to my nipples, and was sucking and teasing them. I
was actually getting pretty hot! I was hard as a rock, and especially
after seeing Gary humping and that wonderful smile. Nancy pulled me on
top of her, and my hips seemed to start a thrusting motion on their own.
I was embarrassed, but I learned in the training that it was okay to be
embarrassed.

I kept up the thrusting, turning my attention back to Gary and Tanya. The
whole time I was dry-humping (well maybe not TOO dry!) I was watching
Gary and Tanya. Gary kept looking at me, smiling, and he even winked
once! HE seemed to be timing his motions with mine -- or maybe it was I
who was doing that. Anyway we were in synch. He made so much noise as he
went off that I was certain Nancy didn't notice that I blew mine at the
same time -- inside my swimsuit!

I quickly jumped up and ran to the water, which was just outside the
cave, and plunged in. Gary and Tanya ran to join me, followed by Nancy,
looking bewildered.

After that night, I never again saw Nancy or Gary.

I had some dreams of Gary that I pushed out of my memory.

Two weeks later I found myself sitting in my new dorm room at UCB, all my
stuff stashed in my drawers, wondering what my new roommates would be
like.