Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 23:25:29 PST
From: anony mike <anonymike21@hotmail.com>
Subject: Student-Government-more-than-work-3

This story is meant to follow the Student-Government-more-than-work-2
story.  I would like to thank everyone for their responses and ideas
about the first two stories.  If you aren't allowed to read this, then
don't.  Be good.  You are on the honor system.  Send comments to
anonymike21@hotmail.com  flames will be ignored.


	Time seemed to slow down at that moment.  I couldn't think of a word to
say to explain what had just happened.  My mind was working at a
frighteningly quick speed to think of some way to rationalize what I had
just done and Jenny and Paul had seen.  I watched in slow motion as each
of Paul's eyebrows raised in a questioning, shocked
expression.  I looked back into Thierry's face.  He had the most
curious, knowing expression across his face, like a child who discovered
where his Christmas presents were hidden.  In my head I was running
through the myriad of excuses, no, explanations for the situation.  It
was just a mistake.  We both went to kiss eachother on the cheeks and
ended up bumping like that.  Would he believe that?

"We were just trying to uhh....and..and then..." I stuttered.  The
watery look in Paul's blue eyes told me that it was too late.  There
never was a chance for me to explain the situation after what they had
just seen.

"Mike you have been busy haven't you!  Wow, and all this time we didn't
even know!  You really can keep secrets can't you Mike?" Jenny asked
enthusiastically as she turned to Paul for his take on the situation.

	He didn't even respond.  Well, he didn't say anything.  With a hurt
look and a huff he turned and began walking quickly away.  I wanted to
run to him right then and tell him how sorry I was, how stupid it was of
me, how I would do anything to take back what he
just saw, but I couldn't.  Thierry was still holding my arm as I pulled
away from him.  I walked towards Paul, hoping that he would stop and
give me a chance to do something, anything.  But Jenny intercepted me.

"Mike, how long have you and Thierry well, been like this?  Why didn't
you tell me sooner, I wouldn't have flirted with him so much.  I guess
Paul needs some time to figure this out.  But don't worry, you're his
best friend and he's always been open-minded about these things.  I'm
sure he'll be ok.  So tell me about" I interrupted her before she could
finish.

"Listen Jenny, I should really talk to Paul.  I just need to talk to
him.  I'll explain things later ok?  And keep this quiet allright?" I
told her.  "Thierry, I'll talk to you later too" I said as I rushed
towards the quad in pursuit of my beloved.

Paul was moving quickly, not that I can blame him after what he saw.  I
called to him but he kept walking.  Running, I caught up to him and
grabbed his shoulder to stop him.  "Paul, let me explain.  Thierry and I
were jus...." I didn't realize what had happened as I fell back on the
ground.  I just felt a sharp pain and then a numbness in my upper cheek
area.  Paul stood over me, the sun shining down now on his blond hair.
His eyes were unfamiliar to me now.  They always seemed loving, sweet,
mysterious, or just then sad, but now there was a new emotion, hate.

"How could you do this to me?!  I trusted you, you were the most
important person in this world to me!  You!  You!  I don't ever want to
talk to, no, see you again.  Stay out of my life" he shouted as he stood
over me.    Having said that, he turned a walked away.
	
	I remained sitting on the ground, finally realizing the truth of the
situation.  Paul had hit me, but more than that, I caused the end of our
relationship.  Some people had obviously seen what had just happened,
including Jenny and Thierry.  They rushed over to me where I sat
motionless on the ground, crying inside but too proud to let it show.

"O my God Mike, are you allright?" Jenny questioned me seriously.  It
was the first time in a while I had heard that tone of genuine concern
in her voice.  "Why the hell did he do that?  I'll go talk to him" but I
grabbed her arm and wouldn't let her go.

"Jenny wait, he just needs some time like you said earlier.  I shouldn't
have forced him.  He needs some time to deal, I think we all just need
some time with this" I said as reassuringly as I could.

	Thierry grabbed me from behind and lifted me off the ground.  Great,
how was I going to explain this to him?  Was I about to hurt another
great guy?  He held me a bit too long to him as he stood me up.  I
couldn't do this now.  This was all too much.  It took every ounce off
will I posessed to keep from breaking down right there, and I was
determined not to let anyone see me cry.

"I'm going home.  Yeah, I think I'm gonna call it a day.  I'll talk to
you, both, later ok?" I said as I walked away, not turning to face them
lest they see the pain I was in.  The physical pain I could handle, the
emotional pain that came with the situation was new to
me.

"Mike, maybe I should walk with you?  We need to put ice on your face
before it gets bigger and makes a bruise" Thierry said helpfully.

The last thing I needed was to be alone with an attractive French man
who made a move on me.  "No Thierry, just go home.  I'll call you later.
Jenny, I'll call later too.  Just, just, forget this until I call and
explain ok" saying this I walked away quickly.

My mind was blank, empty.  I arrived at my apartment without even
knowing it.  I hope I didn't hit anyone on my way back, I wouldn't have
even noticed in my state.  I couldn't get his face out of my mind.  His
eyes, the anger.  I couldn't remember him this way. No, he
was always tender with me, loving, sweet, everything was precious
between us.  I wouldn't let my last memory of him drive the good
memories from my mind.  He loves me, I love him, that's all.  That
wasn't him.  It didn't happen at all.  None of it did.  I laid back on
my sofa, trying to watch some TV and lose myself therein.  Why wasn't
there ever anything worth watching on?!  Damn these stupid talk shows,
stupid soap operas, stupid infomercials!  I went to my kitchen, grabbed
my half bottle of vodka and the quarter carton left of OJ.  A nice mixer
would calm me down right?  I sat around watching TV without actually
seeing anything.  My mind would not let go of my situation.  Where did
that OJ go?  O well vodkas fine.  Eventually I fell to sleep on my
couch.

	I woke up later that night for some quality vomiting.  I don't remember
the time, just the darkness as I stumbled my way to the bathroom.  When
I woke up the next morning, I was in no better shape.  I skipped class
that day.  Physically I was in no condition.  I looked in the mirror, I
looked like shit.   If the bags under my eyes and sallow complexion
weren't enough, there was a big purple puffiness across my cheek that
would certainly stand out.  Damn it, why didn't I remember to ice it?
How stupid can I be?  How could I do this?!  I got a few calls that day,
but I couldn't answer the phone.  Just a few messages on the machine,
Thierry and Jenny a few times each.  Someone
came knocking on my door, it wasn't Paul though.  I could tell by the
knock so I didn't even bother answering.  I finally called him, but
nobody answered.  I hate answering machines so just hung up and called
back a half hour later.  After the sixth time of not getting an answer I
decided to leave a message; it was better than nothing.

"Paul, listen, we need to talk.  Please just talk to me ok.  I know it
looks bad but you have to believe me, trust me, there's no reason to be
upset about this.  Its just a big misunderstanding.  Please, don't shut
me out.  I'll be waiting at home.  Call ok, allright, bye" I said as
sincerely as I could.

	I didn't go to classes the next day either.  Waiting all evening as it
turned into night the previous day for Paul to return my call left me
exhausted.  I just wanted to sit and wallow in self pity, in the mess I
had created.  I built up my resolve and gave Thierry a
call.  If anyone else deserved an explanation, he did.

"Hello" he answered.

"Hi Thierry, it's Mike."

"Mike, where are you?  I tried calling but there was no answer and
nobody answered your door yesterday" he sounded concerned.

"Listen Thierry, I'm ok.  I just need to talk to you about the other
day.  Just let me talk ok.  See, I think you are a great guy, but I
can't do this with you.  I mean, I really like hanging out with you and
talking to you, but well, we can't, well, we can't be more than friends.
Do you understand what I am trying to say?" I asked confusedly.  Why was
this so hard to say?

"Mike, its ok.  I know.  We can be friends.  I would like that.  You are
in love with Paul" he said matteroffactly.

"What?!  What do you mean Thierry?  Paul's my best friend, we're
friends.  I mean, why would you think that?" I worried.

"I see how you look at him.  I didn't see it before because I was only
there with you both once in the cafe and I was interested in you.  But
now I can see it.  He knows?  Is that why he was angry at you?" Thierry
asked.

"That's part of the reason" I lied.  Well, it was part of the reason.
Paul knew I was in love with him.  Thierry didn't need to know that he
felt the same back.  "Well, I just wanted to call and explain things I
guess, but it seems you already know everything.  We'll hang out later
this week ok?  I just don't feel up to it today" and with that I excused
myself.

Next I called Jenny.  "Hi Jenny it's Mike" I said.

"Mike I tried calling you yesterday.  Not answering your phone I guess
huh?  Well, so have you talked to Paul yet?  I tried calling him
yesterday but the dork wouldn't answer his phone either.  You are both
so stubborn sometimes.  Did you talk to Thierry today?" she chirped.

"Listen Jenny, I haven't talked to Paul.  I don't think we're gonna talk
for a while you know?  I mean, he's just not cool with this situation.
I guess he's not who I thought he was.  And anyway, Thierry and I are
just friends.  We talked and we prefer it that way so don't mention it
around Paul ok?  I mean, I don't want to remind him of it ok?  Anyway,
I'll see you tomorrow lunch right?  Same bat place, same bat time?" I
asked.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow then.  Don't worry, everything will be cool
tomorrow.  You'll see" Jenny said trying to cheer me up.

	The next day I was determined to get Paul back.  I had to talk to him.
I loved him, he loved me.  Nothing could change that right?  We couldn't
let a stupid incident come between destiny.  He would see, he'd
understand.  We were meant to be, there could be no other way.  I had
found my one, the other part of me, my completion and I wasn't going to
let him go that easily.  I dressed in his favorite outfit.  Jenny and I
sat waiting for him in the Quad.  Finally we saw him.  He walked
directly to us.  I'd forgotten how cute he was.  His golden hair, deep
blue eyes, confident stride, everything about him made me adore him
more.  Finally he stopped next to us.

"Hey Jenny, I can't do lunch today.  Why don't we do lunch, you know the
two of us?  Call me later ok?" and with that he continued on his way.
Not even a "Hi" or a nod or even a look in my direction.  He completely
ignored me, like I wasn't even there.  I don't know if
Jenny and Paul met for dinner.  I didn't bother to ask.

	The next day was the same.  Paul came, Paul left, I didn't exist.  Why
couldn't he just talk to me?  Look at me?  Yell at me?  Anything would
have been better than to be completely nonexistent.  Of all things, I
hate being ignored.  I hate when people don't acknowledge my presence or
ideas.  Having lived my life in the closet for so long, I was tired of
being unnoticed, a secret.  And finally the one person who had tapped
into me, who knew everything, anything, who finally knew the real me,
ceased to exist to me.  He voluntarily removed himself from my life, and
I was the only one left inside.  Loneliness is a miserable feeling.  It
is especially painful when one knows the comfort of true love, only to
have it slip from your grasp before you can hold it so deeply it could
never leave.  But I
was too foolish, I held on too loosely, too foolishly, and the most
precious thing to me slid through my fingers and out of my life.

	Thierry was great to me.  He was always there for me when I needed to
talk to somebody the next few weeks.  I hated this feeling.  I felt so
needy, so weak, so helpless, me, I felt like nothing.  I began to let
things go.  It hadn't been that long, but already my
professors and Grad students could tell that I was not together.  My
contribution to discussions was lacking, my mind seemed elsewhere, was I
feeling ok; you can imagine all the questions and comments.  I didn't
need it.  I would be ok, really.  Something would fill the void in me,
something.  Sometimes I wished that Thierry was more to me.  I
wanted him to touch me, hold me, do anything to me just so that I could
remember what it was like to be with someone special.  But he was a
gentleman, damn.  It was better this way though.

	I saw Paul regularly.  I knew his schedule, knew where he was, what he
was doing, who he was with.  Maybe I was stalking him, I don't know.  He
had to notice me, he had to, but if he did he never said.  He grew a
goatee.  I hated it.  He knew I hated facial hair, especially on his
boyishly cute face.  He started hanging around new people too.  He still
hung around Jenny, just never when I was around I guess.  Then one I day
I broke.  I saw my love, Paul, with the slut.  The very same girl who he
was with that night at our first party together.  What the hell was he
doing?  He wasn't straight so why did he have his arm around her?  Why
is her hand so close to his ass?  That's my ass!  Then it happened, he
finally noticed me.  I saw him look up, focus those now-unfamiliar eyes
on me as he leaned over and kissed her.  It wasn't just a kiss, a peck,
it was a lingering kiss.  One that even I felt watching.  It burned,
hurt, numbed my soul.

	I guess you can say I was down.  Ok, so maybe I was fighting
depression.  Well, there was no fight really.  I had nothing left to
fight for.  Everything was pointless, nothing made sense, somebody had
left me like this.  Jenny and Thierry were great to me.  They kept my
spirits up or at least tried to.  But only I could get through this and
I was going to do it alone.  Paul had made his choice, he was going on
with his life.  Personally I found it completely ludicrous that he
thought he could suddenly be straight, but if that made him
happy then I had no right to fight him.  Then one day I realized the
truth.  The same truth I learned when dealing with my sexuality as a
teenager in high-school.  No matter what happens, I will always remain.
And as long as I am true to myself, then that's at least one
person I can count on so I'll never be alone.  I decided that I had made
it this far in my life, I was not about to shatter because of one
person.  Nothing, nobody, never would I let something so completely
destroy me beyond recovery.  I will always remain.  I guess its
a preservation mechanism, but unknowingly I developed a shell.  Ok, so I
didn't mutate or anything, I meant an emotional shell.  I was never
completely open with anyone besides Paul anyway, but Jenny and Thierry
noticed.  One day I was an emotional mess and the next I was completely
cured.  Jenny couldn't understand the change.

"Ok, so who is it?" she pried.

"What are you talking about?" I beamed.

"You met somebody.  Why else would you be in such a good mood?  Does
Thierry know?  Is he cool with this?  I don't want another friend to be
upset." she said.

"Listen Jenny, I have no idea what you are getting at.  Serious.  I
didn't meet anyone, I just needed some time and well, I got it so now
I'm all better, ok?" I replied shortly.

"Hmpf, ok so what kind of drugs are you on?  Don't you remember your
Sesame Street?  Share with your friends" she kidded me.

"I am not on anything, I just feel better, that's all.  Nothings
changed.  Paul still won't talk to me, I'm over it.  The end." I
commented.

"Ok, well, does this mean we are allowed to mention his name around you
now?  Not that we have been avoiding the subject all along or anything.
Well anyway, I can't stand his new girlfriend.  She thinks she's all
that.  I heard that she's done half the soccer team!  But don't tell
Paul I said that!" she said without thinking.

I just smirked, knowing that there was no chance of me telling him since
he wouldn't say a word to me.  "I don't know.  If he's happy with her
whatever.  I don't care" I answered.

The next week went by as normal.  I saw less and less of Jenny though.
She was spending more time with Paul, she told me off hand one day.  I
didn't care though.  It wasn't right of me to expect her to stop being
his friend.  The funny thing was that I didn't see him around campus
later that week.  Normally I would see him in the quad with the
little slut girlfriend of his, not that I was consciously looking for
him.  Finally I asked Jenny.

"Hey Jenny, where's Paul been?  I haven't seen him around the last few
days.  That little skank keeping him busy or something?" I nosily asked.

"Oh no, you didn't hear?  They broke up two days ago.  Paul's been sorta
sick and well, she's not very sympathetic.  She found some other guy to
party with." Jenny clued me in.

Firstly, I couldn't believe that Paul, a beautiful Adonis, was dumped by
some tramp.  I almost felt sad for him.  "What's wrong with him?"

"He's got the flu pretty bad.  I guess he should have gotten his vaccine
when we got ours.  I guess he's regretting it now. Anyway, I usually
bring him lunch and dinner cause he's stuck up in his room.  I don't
know why I bother though cause he can never keep anything from the
cafeteria down" she said.  "I was supposed to go home this weekend cause
some friends from high-school are gonna be home this weekend too, but
well, I'm stuck taking care of his butt.  He's lucky to have a great
friend like me" she said modestly.

"Well, if you want I can bring him his food.  I mean, its no big deal
for me cause I'll be here all weekend." I said.

"Um, no, I think I'll just stick around and do it.  I mean, well, he's
not exactly been knocking down your door wanting to see you, you know."
Jenny commented.

"Jenny go home.  I'll just knock on his door and leave the food in front
of the door.  Besides, what's he gonna do, chase me away with a broom?"
I faked a laugh.

"Well, ok, that sounds like it would work.  Thanks." Jenny answered.

The next afternoon I brought a thermos of chicken soup.  Ok, so it
wasn't home made unless my name is Cambells, but well, it was better
than cafeteria food.  I intended to just knock and leave it by the
doorstep like I'd said.  He didn't want to see me, I didn't want to
upset him, but when I heard his voice for the first time in weeks
address me, my mind changed.

"Come in" Paul said weakly.

	Maybe it would have been more polite to leave the food by the door.  I
knew he expected Jenny but I took it as my invitation to enter.  I saw
him lying flat in his bed, his head turned towards the door.  He didn't
even react when he saw me, well, at least no visible reaction.  He
looked pale, unhealthy, not the Paul I remembered.  What happened to the
vibrant young lover of mine?  The flu couldn't have done this alone.
Maybe he was still dealing with being dumped.  That was it, I assumed.
His eyes stared blankly at me for a minute before he turned his head
away from me without a word.

"Where's Jenny?" was all he said.

"She's out of town for the weekend, I'll be bringing by your food if
that's ok." I curtly replied.  I wanted to be equally cold to him, to
show that I could be as uncaring as he.  So far it was working.  My
shell was intact, no emotion, nothing would show.

"Just leave it.  Don't worry about coming by again, I can take care of
myself." he told me over his shoulder.  Why wouldn't he face me?  Didn't
I deserve a face to face conversation at the least?

Immediately I went on guard "Don't be stupid.  You look like you're on
your deathbed as it is.  Here, its chicken soup.  The kind with the
stars, your favorite.  Eat it if you want to get better."  I took out
the thermos and poured some soup in a bowl.  "Here it's still hot.
Why are you so stubborn?  Just eat the stupid soup!" I said setting it
down on his nightstand.  We both stood our ground.  I wasn't going to
leave until he ate the soup but he wasn't moving to eat it.

"Fine, be a baby.  It's your body, you wanna be sick, I don't care
anymore" I said.

"Like you ever did" Paul commented.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I responded.  "Nevermind, I
told Jenny I'd bring you food and there it is so eat it."

"I don't want anything from you!  Just leave now or else!" he shouted.

"What?  When did you get to be such an ungrateful asshole?  What are you
gonna do, hit me?" he flinched at that comment  "Fine then, if you wanna
stay sick, that's fine by me. I'll just take the soup and leave.
Satisfied?" I angrily said.

"Why did you even come here?  Just to be cold?  Remind me of old times
and depress me while I'm down?  Throw some salt in my wounds?  Is this
revenge for you?  Ha ha his girl left him and now he's all alone, sick
in bed.  You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself anyway, just
leave" he turned away.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?  We meant something.  I loved
you, I would have given anything for you.  You're the one who left me
remember?  I didn't go anywhere.  I waited for you, thought you would
realize what we meant, what I thought we meant to eachother.  You didn't
even give me a chance.  I loved you, at the least I deserved that.  But
you shut me out of your life, not the other way around.  You're the
asshole here, not me.  I didn't stop caring just because you ignored me.
I wanted to help you, but you never let me near.  So don't blame me now
if I'm not gonna jump at your every wish.  I came here to help an old
friend because my best friend asked me to.  That's all.  Eat your soup,
and I'll leave.  After this weekend you can go back on with your life
like you have been, ignoring me.  So just eat your soup so I can leave."
I said coldly.

"But I can't to eat the soup" he said softly.

"Paul, what is it?  What's wrong with it?  I made the soup the same as
always.  Why can't you eat the fucking soup?!" I said very frustratedly.

"because then you'll leave" he turned and looked at me this time.

"Why the hel...what?" the realization of what he had said hit me.  "What
are you talking about?  You want me to stay?" I asked, completely
puzzled.

"Don't leave me Mike, I don't wanna be alone anymore" Paul said with his
eyes on the floor.  Eventually he looked into my eyes and I could see
that he was brimming with unshed tears.  Why were we both so stubborn,
afraid to give in first?  The shell I had built was not going to give.
I wanted to hold him, touch him, comfort him, kiss him, but the fear of
being hurt again kept me away.  "Mike, please, I still...care, for you"
he pleaded with me.

	I still couldn't break my shell even though I knew I should.  I should
have said something, something sweet, something tender, something to
make him smile again.  But I just stood there staring into him.  Would
he hurt me again?  Was it worth it?  Could we be good again?  His eyes
pleaded with me, I forgot how expressive and cute he
could be.  Then I remembered what someone had once told me: if you don't
give love a chance, you'll never get a chance to experience it.  To reap
rewards you have to take risks.  Logic told me that I shouldn't, he was
deliriously sick, he didn't mean what he was
saying, but my heart won over my mind.  I inched forward and reached for
his hand.  We just stood staring into eachother for several minutes.
There was nothing sexual about it, just re-uniting love pure and simple.

	I sat next to his bed helping him eat the soup.  He probably could have
done it himself, but he only had use of one hand with me holding the
other.  I stayed with him the whole night.  He fell asleep in bed with
me watching over him as we watched some late shows silently together.  I
sat leaning against his bed and woke up slumped over a pillow in the
morning.  I was up before him, I guess he needed to sleep more being so
sick.  I went to the cafeteria to pick up some breakfast for the both of
us.  Maybe there was something edible afterall.  Finding some cereals
and juice, I returned to his room.  He
was up waiting for me.

"I was wondering when you'd be back" he said with a slight smile.

"I told you I'd be back.  I'm like your own personal flu.  You think
you're rid of me but I keep coming back" I said as I brought him the
food.  "How are you feeling?"

"A lot better.  I'm pretty hungry.  What do we have here?" he inquired.

"Cereals and juice.  You're call, you want Apple Jacks, Cocoa Puffs,
Corn Flakes or Froot Loops?" I asked.  He had the Cocoa Puffs while I
settled down with a bowl of Apple Jacks.  We sat around watching morning
cartoons on TV with our cereal.  For serious students we sure were
easily entertained.

"O shoot" Paul suddenly said.

"What's wrong?" I began to worry.

"I spilled my juice" he said with a cute frown.  He had spilled his
juice down his shirt while lying in bed.

"O well, you needed to change those sheets anyway.  And no offense, but
spilling juice on you won't make you smell any worse.  You're stink" I
commented.

"Gee, that's nice.  What a sweet boyfriend you are" Paul said before
catching himself.  We both just looked at eachother and then smiled in
acceptance.

"Come on, let's get you a shower" I said pulling him out of bed and into
the bathroom.  Locking the other door I began to help him undress and
get into the shower.  Soon he was naked and standing in the tub
showering.  He wasn't embarrassed around me, I was meanwhile standing
outside the tub trying to help.  Then he got a grin across his face.
Suddenly he angled the showerhead, soaking me.  I leaned in to take
control of the showerhead while he just giggled and continued getting me
wet.  "hey, you are the one needing the shower not me!" I laughed.
Finally he let go of the showerhead and grabbed my head.  I'd forgotten
his kisses.  Sick or no, there was a passion an energy in
that kiss I'd long missed.

"There, now get in here and help me shower, but no monkey business ok
kid?" Paul jokingly told me.  I needed no encouragement.  Soon I was
washing his hair for him.  Then I lathered up his shoulders, arms,
chest, legs in soap.  Finally I reached in front of him to help wash
other areas.  I gently tugged on him and soaped him up.  "Uhh, Mike,
how am I supposed to get clean if you keep being so dirty?" he coyly
asked.

"Let me show you.  You just need to lather the soap up really well" I
said as I continued stroking him.  By now I was getting hard and rested
between his smooth cheeks.  He leaned back into me and our tongues
danced together over his shoulder.  We continued kissing for several
minutes as I continued working his body with my hands.  Soon I could
feel his chest rising and falling quickly, he was obviously worked up.
With a long moan he shot against the shower wall as I continued to pump
him and rub against him.  Then he turned around and kissed me deeply and
moved his hands over my body before helping me achieve heights.  He held
his hands stroking me and allowing me to thrust into them.  Soon it was
too much and I released weeks of energy onto his stomach.

"Hey, we just washed that!" he said faking anger.  I didn't mind at all
helping him finish showering.

"And now for that stuff growing on your face..." I said pulling out the
electric razor.  Soon I'd have my dear sweet Paul back.

___________________________________________________________________
Ok, so I hope you enjoyed that.  Sorry it took a while for that part to
come about.  Again, there may be another part sometime in the future,
allowing for replenishment of my creative juices in between.