Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 00:37:51 -0400
From: W. E. <wereallmadhere@hotmail.com>
Subject: That's Life Chaper 16

Author's Note:

IMPORTANT: Please read my endnote...there's news.

Sorry about the delay (once again)...was out of town for a while and also
some personal probs. Everything cool now (fingers crossed).

Thanks to all those who wrote in (the regulars...can't forget u all) and
also to those who continue to stick with the story.

Write to me: wereallmadhere@hotmail.com

I love hearing from the readers.

Jay Alexander, once again, thank you. You're the best. THANK YOU! Can't say
this to you enough.

If you are under age or it is illegal for you to be reading such "filth",
please leave. This material contains crude language (gosh!), and
homosexuality (oh my!), so if you are offended, then, yes....goodbye!

This story is purely fictional. So, any similarity to anyone or anything is
purely coincidental. If you want to put this story somewhere else,
distribute it, whatever, please ask me first. Thanks!

And on and on...

CHAPTER 16

I was mad at the callous way Thane acted at the club, and how he risked our
lives. It was like he was a stranger. Can you say Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
He wasn't the calm, cool, responsible, caring guy who was my boyfriend. He
was like Kenny. No, that's offending Kenny. Actually worse. Kenny never
pushed me into anything. But, today, Thane pushing his finger in my
asshole, in public, I was so fucking mad. All I saw was red. I wanted to
fucking erupt. I was not his personal fucking whore. It made me doubt if
Thane actually respected me or thought me to be...what Reuben had said...a
twink.  I was so hurt and confused and most of all, MAD.

Thane was sitting down on the sofa, chewing gum and gulping down water.
Serves him right for dropping E. I did it once or twice, but, I was never
like this. I knew my limits when it came to shit like E.

I went into the bathroom, cleaned myself up, and saw that I was going to
have a black eye in the morning. Great, just great. My first time at a gay
club, and I'm kicked out, AND I payed $20.00 extra just to end up with a
black eye! FUCK!! I went into the guestroom to sleep. I locked the door for
good measure. My last thought before closing my eyes, "Happy Birthday,
Kenny."


                                          ***

I acted very aloof with Thane in the morning. I felt bad. He seemed to be
in pain. But, I wouldn't budge. I was still mad.

I saw him peeking at me every so often. I lost my coldness a few times. He
looked so vulnerable. His hair was a mess and there was a big bruise on his
cheek and his lips were swollen. He looked like a little kid. I willed
myself not to rush up to him.  Not until he apologized.

"Galen...?" Thane squeaked, uncertainty clearly etched in his voice. My
heart flip- flopped. Damn the dude!

"What?" I didn't turn around. You don't know how hard that was.

"Please forgive me. I'm so sorry." His voice came out as a quiver. I felt
as if I was causing him the pain, not his hangover.

I went over to the freezer and wrapped some ice cubes in a kitchen towel
and handed it to him. With a sigh, I asked, "Why were you such an ass last
night?"

He took the towel and placed it on his bruised cheek, looking at me
gratefully. "It's too easy to say that it was the drug and the alcohol, but
I dunno...it was the scene. It brought back memories. I swore to myself I
would never be like that, but I guess...I was wrong. I am so sorry." He was
pleading now.

I couldn't take it anymore. I sat down beside him and turned his chair so
that he could meet my eyes. Something was bothering him. I also had many
questions of my own. I needed it all out in the open if I was ever to
forgive him.

"Who is Reuben?"

I saw him flinch at my question. Come on Thane: don't shut me out
now. We've come this far. "My past...," he sighed, "Remember how I said
that I came out to my father and then when I ran away from home, I got into
drugs and sex and shit?"

I nodded.

"Well, ya, drugs and sex and shit...shit like Reuben. He was my dealer, my
lover." Thane snorted. "No, what he was to me was not a lover. He fucked
me. He took my cherry. I was a confused 16 year-old. Abandoned by my
family. He took advantage of that. I thought he was my saviour. I couldn't
say "no" to him, in fear that he would reject me too. That's all there is
to it, really. I was his whore. When I didn't have money for the drugs, I
gave myself to him. He introduced me to some friends...same deal.  You get
the picture." Thane looked at the lines on his hands the whole time. He
couldn't even look up at me.

I didn't know what to think. I know the right thing would be to support
him, console him.  That was his past, he had come a long way. This was
now. But, I couldn't let it go. I knew vaguely about this part of his past,
but I was never faced with it like I was just now.  I never knew the whole
story like now. I couldn't get used to the idea that the lips that I kiss
have kissed and sucked others. Men like Reuben.

I hated Reuben for what he did. If he was in front of me, I would have
boxed him out, straight up. I hated him for taking advantage of Thane, I
hated him - because of him, Thane had to expose his past to me, which I
couldn't accept. I hated him because it was so much easier than hating my
own hypocritical self. I shuddered.

"Galen?" Thane had fear in his eyes. "Galen, please don't hate me. Please."

I smiled at him. It was forced. I smoothened out his hair and kissed his
forehead. I wanted him to know that I didn't want to think badly of him,
but still.  "I don't.  You have your past. I have mine. All that has made
you who you are today. I could never hate you." Ok, that was the truth. I
didn't hate him, but...

DAMMIT! I didn't want to be a hypocritical, insensitive asshole, but...

"I need to... um...go to the University for...um...bye." I left him,
sitting at the dining table. I felt worse than slime.

                                       ***

I would love to say that I accepted his past, but, I came from a very
conservative family.  We weren't allowed to have pre-marital sex. Not that
it stopped any of my siblings, but still, we lived a pretty straight-edged
life. You saw how freaked out I got about the whole gay club scene, so, let
alone me trying to grasp the mind-fuck of a past that was Thane's.

Trust me, I tried. But, I couldn't feel totally honest around Thane. It was
unfair of me to judge him. People could judge me too. He has been there,
been patient with me in my discovering my sexuality, supporting me with my
problems. He never once complained. I should have reciprocated, but it
itched at me.

If I was in Thane's position, I know I wouldn't have done that. I know
it. I couldn't do that to myself. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I
couldn't whore myself.  And him taking his Dad's money. Why couldn't he
work for the money? Sure he wouldn't have riches galore, but, he would live
with a clear conscience and his pride, right? I know, I would. He went on
and on about how proud he was to be gay and that he would never let anyone
jeopardize that, but it seemed, that taking his father's money, he sold his
own soul and everything he said he stood for.

These things never bothered me before about Thane. Maybe it would have if I
had actually sat down and thought about it. But, I was too overwhelmed by
the idea of my first boyfriend, older, handsome and rich, and I let all
else slide.

Oh well, one truly gets to know someone when they live with them. It had
been three months, and I started to see cracks in the perfection that was
Thane. Trust me, I was not a happy camper. My rose-coloured glasses were
slipping down the bridge of my nose, and fast. I fucking got the vibe that
my life was about to go awry again. I just wish I fucking knew what and
when, so I could control it, somehow.

                                         ***

There was one more month left of school. Exams were fast approaching. I had
many projects to hand in. Thane and I were doing ok, I guess, but as I
said, after that night, I kept him at a distance.

My mother called to let me know that I had to come home at the end of
school. At the beginning of May, my brother Owen would get married to
Candie. The date was set. My mom went on and on about how nice the wedding
would be in a Roman Catholic Church, blah, blah, blah. Apparently, if both
the people are not Catholic, they cannot marry in a Catholic Church. She
was sooo happy that Candie was Catholic. So hypocritical, the whole
situation, made me want to vomit. I'm sure Candie is your regular Virgin
Mary.

HA!

I was the best man (no one asked me...they just assumed I would do
it). Owen didn't have many friends, only dealers. So, I got the honours.

Bowwowwowyippyyoyippyyay! Woof motha, woof motha, the dogs came out to
play.

Our family reunion.

How nice.

I got a position working at the local art gallery near campus and I thanked
the Lord again, because now I had a reason to stay here for the summer,
rather than go home.  I would stay with Thane of course. I wondered why I
wasn't as happy with the idea as I should have been.

Miraculously, I still had not run into Kenny. I suspected that he was
trying just as hard to avoid me as I him. With our combined efforts, we
succeeded. We always did.  The great duo. Ya, I missed the bastard. I
wished I was A REAL FAIRY with a magic wand and I could turn back time. Oh
well, not happening any time soon.

                                        ***

I was going psycho over a final project for my Composition class. I
couldn't work in the studio at the University and come home at night. It
was too stressful on top of my other exams. So, I decided to transform my
room a.k.a. the guestroom, into an arts studio. I moved some of the
furniture into the storage space downstairs in the apartment complex.

Thane was away for a week to a History Conference. I didn't think he would
mind. After all, it would make my life a LOT easier rather than traveling
back and forth from school just to finish ONE project.

Well, yes, as you have guessed, I was WRONG. Was I wrong!

Thane came home looking handsome as ever. He put all his stuff away in his
room and came back barefoot in his black dress pants and his crisp white
shirt, all the buttons opened, revealing his perfect chest. He looked tired
and worn-out, but still so fucking SEXY!

I was coming out of the guestroom and when I went to kiss him, he looked
behind me to take in the state of the room.

Thane erupted when he saw what I did. I thought he would hit me or
something. I'm serious. The man had rage. AND I MEAN RAGE!!! Once in a long
while, he would go into these bouts of rage and his face would turn
red. Like it did when he saw Reuben that night at the club. Like now.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!! DIDN'T I FUCKING TELL YOU THAT I DON'T LIKE MY SHIT
MESSED WITH?!!!" He shot daggers at me.

"Thane...but, let me..."

"Shut up! Fucking SHUT UP! Where the fuck did you put my stuff, you fucking
piece of shit?!"

I was trying to be calm. I knew he had issues with his anger. He was a
verrrrrrrrry calm and collected person. It took him a lot to explode, but
once he did, it was bad...and I mean, BAD! I was scared. Thane had a few
inches on me and more body weight.  He could do some major damage to me,
plus he had "anger" on his side. It would not be cool to lose my anger.

"Thane...baby..."

"Don't fucking 'baby' me! I fucking let your ungrateful ass into MY home
and I specifically tell you that I DO NOT FUCKING LIKE CHANGE, especially
with MY possessions, and what the fuck do you do?!"

I blinked at him. Yes, genius.

He cupped his ears and his eyes got wide, "I can't hear you Galen, what did
you do after I told you not to?!"

Ok, this sounded like a speech I got from my dad when I was, what, EIGHT?!

"Thane, please don't talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot. I'm sorry. I will
change it. I just needed it for convenience. Or else I had to keep going
back and forth to school to finish my project...since we don't use the room
anyway...I thought."

"You thought wrong."

"Sorry. The stuff is in your storage space downstairs."

Thane looked at me, eyes bloodshot red, chest heaving, and punched the wall
beside him.  "FUCK!!!"

I jumped. There was a dent in the wall.

He went into his room and slammed the door. The pictures on the wall
actually shook, and something fell to the floor. It was the sign from my
hometown that I gave him as a present. After much of my ridicule, he still
wanted to put up the damn sign up on the wall. It didn't go with the decor
at all. Now it was lying on the floor.

My air came out of my lungs in a rush. I didn't know I was holding my
breath.

                                      ***

Thane didn't come out of his room that night. Since the bed from "my" room
was moved downstairs, I slept on the couch. But, I couldn't sleep. I
suddenly felt like this was Thane's apartment and that I was wearing out my
stay. I had paid him to live here, but not nearly enough to equal half of
the rent. Shit, I should have never agreed.

Independence is the best way to go.

I went out to the balcony for a smoke. Thane didn't like smoking inside the
apartment. I wasn't going to push any more buttons today.

I started thinking.

What else is new?!

I had never provoked him. Now I knew the repercussions and it left an
unsettling feeling in my stomach. The more I learnt about Thane, the more I
wished for blissful ignorance. I started to have doubts about him, about
us. He never had flaws before. Or maybe I was trying to blind myself,
convince myself to not see them before.

We all had anger and when we erupted, it was bad. But, Thane, no, it was
not normal. I wasn't that clued out. What he did today was not normal. It
shook me up pretty bad, ya, I must admit, I was kinda scared of him. I
don't think that's how a relationship should be.  He needed to go to some
anger management classes or something. He had problems and I knew they
stemmed from his past. I couldn't help. Hell, I needed my own shrink. I
wondered if we would be able to survive all of our faults.

My thoughts inevitably wandered over to Kenny. They always did when I
needed reassurance, when I needed comfort. He was familiar. I could draw
him with my eyes closed. I could draw his mind, his personality. He was
that familiar to me.  I pictured him now. Where would he be?  Sleeping with
a hot babe who was hugging herself to him.

I went into the guestroom and pulled out the drawing I did of Kenny that
night. There he was, naked, vulnerable and beautiful. I loved him once. I
was IN LOVE with him once. I let the latter go a long time ago, but I had
held on to our friendship. He destroyed it. My fingers went to tear the
paper. The tear was reaching Kenny's face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't rip
it apart. I closed the sketchbook and threw it against the wall and slumped
to the floor, refusing to cry for him. I hugged myself and fell into a
restless sleep, on the bare, hard floor.

                                       ***

Exams were nearly over and although I was sad to leave Thane to go back to
my parents' home, there was also a sense of relief, of freedom.

The morning after Thane's explosion, I woke up early and turned the room
back to the way it was. Thane woke up, and as usual, apologized profusely
for his behaviour. I told him it was ok. He was really stressed after the
conference. It didn't go too well and they had organized it. He had just
wanted to come home to me and rest and relax.  When he saw the room, he
just couldn't take it. I understood. Not really, but, I guess we all have
our mood swings and our own way of dealing with stress.

Thane had asked me, first subtlety, then outright, if he could come to the
wedding with me. I was allowed to bring one guest, but I didn't want to.

"Why not?" He asked for the hundredth time.

I sighed, "Because I can't just TAKE my boyfriend to my family. Especially
not MY family."

"Fuck, I won't even act like your boyfriend. How would they know? Plus,
Galen, don't you get tired of hiding yourself? Are you that ashamed of
being gay?!" Thane had really started to get on my case about coming out,
he thought that I was ashamed and didn't like that one bit, being the
epitome of gay advocacy himself, that is.

I didn't want to deal with that issue now. We've had enough fights about
that, this was a whole new issue. "Why do you want to go so bad?" I asked.

"Are you serious? You don't think it is a natural progression in a
relationship to get to know more and more about each other? Get more
exposed to each other's life?  That place, those people, they've made you
who you are. I want to know where it all began. I love you. I want to know
everything about you. I missed so much. It's not fair."

I kissed him. "I know, babe, but, I care about you so much that I know
something will happen. I will let something slip. I just don't want to feel
uncomfortable because you are around and I'm watching my every
move...besides, Kenny will be there." I didn't want to say the last part,
but I should not keep it from Thane.

"I see. That's it then, eh? It's about Kenny. As always." Ya, so Thane has
stopped being considerate and he was way more open with his thoughts. I
didn't know whether that was good or not. He was not as adamant about
hiding his displeasure with me, as he was before. He lost his patience with
me easier and showed more frustration at my naivete and my closeted life.

I guess he was opening up to me, but I wanted the old Thane back, selfish
bastard that I am. I had more in common with Kenny than I thought. I guess
I also wanted to avoid talking about and bringing up "problems". It left an
unsettling feeling in my stomach.  Thane was right. Fuck, everything always
came back to Kenny.

"No, Thane, really. I could care less. I will be too busy helping my family
with the wedding. Plus, I have to deal with him one day. I don't want to
estrange myself from Mama Brien because of him. I won't let him do THAT to
me."

"See? I could be there to help you. Give you support."

No, bringing Thane would definitely not be a good idea. I had a feeling
that a fight would break out. With Kenny's quick temper and Thane's
outrageous temper...definitely not a good combo.

"I'm sorry." I had to distract him. We were going round and round in
circles. I looked into his jade eyes. They were the colour of a new-born
leaf. I traced his long, black eyelashes my fingertips and saw them flutter
at my touch. His olive skin glowed with a hint of blush, as he got
aroused. His lips parted, and moistened.

Thane was truly beautiful. I caressed his hair, feeling the locks between
my fingers, they were so strikingly black against my pale skin. The
feathers of a raven. I know I got lucky with Thane. He was beautiful inside
and out, so what if he had minor imperfections? He was mine, and I was his,
along with each others' shortcomings. That's what a relationship is all
about.

I hugged him and started kissing him. My dick started to rise, and I felt
him too, pressing into my abdomen. I ground into him as he led us to the
bedroom, while pressed firmly to my lips.

Clothes flew everywhere, and hands groped every exposed bit of flesh. The
music at the moment was our animal groans and moans, as we bit, sucked and
attacked one another.

We proceeded to explore each other's bodies with our mouths and hands.

As I lay in the afterglow of our lovemaking, I looked over at Thane, who
was sleeping peacefully. There was no denying it; I was definitely bonded
to Thane. He was my first in so many ways. As much as I didn't like to
think about the future, I knew that whatever happened, I would always
remember Thane. I don't know if I could see us yet sitting on rocking
chairs when we're 80, but I did see long-term with him. Yes, even with his
faults.  I wasn't perfectly happy with Thane. But, I've matured enough to
realize that perfection was very overrated and it was naive of me, being a
first timer at this, to think that I would get Paradise. It didn't exist. I
wasn't searching for it anymore.

                                        ***

Author's Endnote:

Guys and gals...thank you all so much for writing in after the virus
incident. I was just as devastated, if not more.

As the ones who wrote to me know, the story will continue.

The stuff has been recovered and is a big mess right now...needs major
reformatting. We are going to work hard to get the whole story out, so bear
with us if it takes a bit more time. Have no fear, the story will continue
until the end...Chapter 25...unless another...never mind...knock on wood.

Thank you all for your helpful words and encouragement. They make me want
to continue on.

Peace!