Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 01:59:12 -0500
From: W. E. <wereallmadhere@hotmail.com>
Subject: That's Life (Chapter 18)

Author's Note:

Mad apologies going out to everyone for the "slight" delay of Chapter 18.
First semester was drawing near: exams, proposals to hand in, time running
out to get in as much lab time as possible, projects due, frustration, etc,
etc,....and then Winter holidays (went away for a week to snowboard and ski
and procastinate with this story - yes, I admit it and I loved every damn
second of it). :o) Finally, here I am again.

But, hey, this chapter is really, really, really long, just like the coming
chapters from now on. A lot of questions or things that were left
ambiguious in previous chapters will finally move towards a resolution so
bear with me.

Thanks again to everyone who wrote in.

I am not kidding, I sincerely love hearing your opinion about the story. I
would very much appreciate feedback: good, bad, whatever. It's my only
expectation from this story.

My email: wereallmadhere@hotmail.com

Jay Alexander, thank you so very much for all the editorial help - with
this chapter especially.  It took us a while, and thanks for all your
patience. Much appreciated.

If you are under age or it is illegal for you to be reading such "filth",
please leave. This material contains crude language (gosh!), and
homosexuality (oh my!), so if you are offended, then, yes...goodbye!

This story is purely fictional. So, any similarity to anyone or anything is
purely coincidental. If you want to put this story somewhere else,
distribute it, whatever, please ask me first. Thanks!

I used a song in this part, and I will in later chapters as well. Using the
song does not in any way suggest that I asked permission or that the band
may or may not support the views of my story. Since I am not getting any
financial benefit or otherwise from using the song, I hope that it is ok.

Still rolling...

CHAPTER 18


I just sat there and watched them. This was not unusual for Mr. O'Brien. He
did it often, especially around us kids, mostly Kenny, cause Kenny
complained incessently that he was getting embarrassed. But, me? Every time
I watched them, I just got a lump in my throat.

I sighed.

Mr. O'Brien was the best father. He always had encouraging words to say for
Kenny and me while we were growing up. He always told us he was proud of
us, no matter what. I felt compelled to burst out that I was gay. I knew
they would be nothing short of supportive.

I was home.

Looking at Mr. O'Brien and Mama Brien, I knew...I was finally home.

                                             ***

Weddings are a pain in the ASS!!! The whole idea of a wedding is a set-up
by the bullshit patriarchal society we live in, conning us to believe in
its worth...playing with our sentiments. Why the fuck do two people
supposedly in love need a ceremony to acknowledge the validity of their
relationship, to themselves and to others?? Are they not confident enough
in themselves to remain true, to know that they love and are loved? If you
ask me, it seems like a wedding is a gimic, that, if closely observed,
holds a subliminal fear that is projected on the couple. The fear that from
then on, because of a ring on a damn finger, all of a sudden, the rules of
monogamy are to be taken seriously - finally. Sleep with a man who is
taken.bad, bad.sleep with a married man??  HORRIBLE!! And the worst example
of this hypocrisy...Owen's wedding.

Cat and I decided to get away from it all, even if for just a moment. We
escaped to the park by our house. It was deserted and she sat on the swing
while I pushed her. Like old times.

"Remember, Galen?"

I smiled, "Yeah. You were always so damn bossy! You always screamed: Higher
Galen, Higher. I want to fly!!"

She laughed, remembering, "Your patent answer: You're not the boss of me,
Cat. I'm the boss of me. But...you still pushed me."

"I was such an idiot."

We were quiet, sharing the memory, remembering the days when our life was
so much more simple.

Cat spoke, I think more to herself than to me, "Don't you wish for that
sometimes? To just grow wings and fly away, from all the bullshit, and look
at all those people you loathe, look down at them, while they are forced to
look up at you. They can't chase you.  They can't catch you. The sky is
endless...no obstruction. Leave everything behind. You could go anywhere."

"Where would you go?"

She looked up at the sky and kept swinging back and forth, and then
whispered, smiling, "To my baby."

Tears escaped from my eyes, and she was crying too. I reached over and took
her hands in mine and squeezed tight, failing to come up with the
appropriate words. I don't think any words would have sufficed.

We stayed that way for some time.

It was healing.

I don't think she had properly mourned for her baby yet. Each tear was
meant to let the little one know that we remember him...we miss him.

She was getting better, and I didn't want her to feel morose again. So, on
a happier note...

I spoke with all the cheer I could muster. "Thane is so wonderful. I love
living with him."

She turned her head back and smiled, "Do you? Is it for the sex?"

My face was burning, "Cat!! I can't believe...eww...you're my sister. You
can't just ask that!!"

She burst out laughing.

Phew! She was laughing. I continued, "Ok...that's good too. Damn good. But,
there's more. Really, there's more. He makes me feel good, you know? He has
a temper sometimes, well...um...rarely, and other past issues and
shit...but overall, he's a really nice guy. I'm glad to be with him."

"Do you love him?"

"Not yet, but we've only really known each other for such a short time,
eight months...and I just started to live with him. I still have to get to
really know him. But, I like him...a whole lot."

"Do you want to love him?"

I stopped pushing her, "What does that mean?"

"Never mind. Keep pushing, slave. I didn't tell you to stop!"

I relented and pushed her again, "Ok, ok...but really Cat, Thane is what I
need in my life.  Like, one day, I came home and he surprised me by
lighting candles, music, the whole deal. He is quite the romantic. He's
great."

"Nice. I'm sure he will give Hallmark a run for their money."

I don't know why I felt that she meant that comment as an insult. "Why do I
get the feeling that you are humouring me?"

This time she stopped the swing and turned around to face me, "I don't
know.  It's just that...you keep going on and on about Thane...as if you
fear that if you don't say enough 'nice' things about him, it won't be
true. Are you trying to convince yourself that there's a relationship or
me?"

I turned away and looked up at the sky. It was an endless sheet of blue.

"Cat, let's head home."

And we left.

                                                                ***

It was the day of the wedding. As the best man I had to make sure that I
had the groom to the church on time. The groom, who had been out last night
to a strip club, wasn't looking too well. He had met a "friend" there and
him and her had retired for the night to an alleyway for some fun, or so
his friends bragged. Jeez!!! Drugs and alcohol can do that to a
person. Fuck me! I didn't need this.

Liam was going to be the ring-bearer and I had mistakenly given him the box
with the rings that morning. Big mistake. Now he couldn't find the
box. Fuck me again!

I couldn't even tell my dad anything. Him, my uncles and Grandpa were in
the adjoining room helping the little kids get ready and getting ready
themselves. I refused to go in to that room. I had already bribed Liam with
$10.00 if he would keep his mouth shut about the rings to the adults, until
I could figure something out. If my dad found out, he would flip. He would
find a way to blame it ALL on me.

Stress!! And I didn't even care about A WEDDING, MUCH LESS THIS ONE!! No
one even asked me if I WANTED to be the best man!!!! Fuck all this shit!!!

I was trying to get Owen looking at least presentable in the suit when
Kenny walked into the room.

This was the first time in almost five months that I'd laid eyes on him. I
had never been apart from him for so long. The longest was two months when
their family went for a vacation to Italy.

In today's wedding, he was one of the groomsmen.

I swear to God, my breath caught in my throat. My nerves were anything but
calm, and my knees were wobbly. I was speechless. I tried to keep back the
tears that threatened to spill over my eyes. Barely. He was so beautiful,
it hurt. It tore at my heart. I never knew he cleaned up so well!

He was clean-shaven, for once. All other times, he would have that light
stubble growing.  Made him look a little gruff. Now, he looked like the
epiphany of perfection. GQ'd to the max! The highlights were gone from his
hair, leaving it thick and rich chestnut-brown. It glistened fiery red in
the sunlight. His eyes were crystal clear, matching the sky outside.  They
were so warm, so open, I couldn't believe they belonged to someone like
Kenny.

He had on a tailored suit.

OH MY FUCKING LORD, I almost creamed right then and there.

Kenny dressed in a suit.

There should be laws against looking that good. It fit him like a second
skin. His broad chest filled out the top very, very nicely. The silk green
tie (Luck o' the Irish...need the green) looked perfectly set. I had yet to
master the art of tying ties.  Don't ask.

Someone please help me get out of this. I was so rooted to the spot, to the
vision of Kenny. He was the devil himself. "That boy could charm a nun out
of her habit." My Nana would say about him. I agreed with her completely.

He looked at me. No expression on his face. He knew I was staring. Oh, come
the fuck on, a blind man could even sense my gaze on Kenny, I stared at him
that hard. I was surprised I hadn't burnt a hole through him yet.

The moment was broken by Liam.

Liam, who was already set to go, had come into our room. He saw Kenny and
rushed up to him. "Kenny, Galen made me lose the rings!" Fucker couldn't
keep his mouth shut, could he??

My head swerved towards the little bugger. That's right you bastard, blame
me. I just lost the rings AND $10.00. I was going to kill him!! I charged
at him, and screeched through gritted teeth, "Liam, you little fuck, I am
going to kick your ass!!!"

He laughed and hid behind Kenny, and stuck his tongue out at me while
giving me the finger, "You only said that I couldn't tell grown-ups!!"

Owen was suddenly out of his slurred stage, "What? Galen!! You lost the
rings??? Damn you, fucking find them!!!!"

He had no right. Just look at him. Hangover of the worst kind.  I turned to
him, very frustrated, "Ok Owen, just because you asked nicely.  Let me just
pop the fucking shit out of my fucking ass 'cause I'm fucking Houdini!!
Fucking fucker."

"You better be wishing your name was fucking Houdini."

"Or what?? What will you do, Owen??? Kick my ass cuz you won't be able to
put that damn ring on a whore's finger??? So that you can't rip Dad and Mom
off??? So that you can't get your fucking money?? We all know your sick
scam!!!"

Owen stood up, still wobbly. His chair fell back.

He wants a fight? He got it, "Come at me, fucker. I've been waiting a long
time for this!!  Come, Owen!!!"

The tension rose to new heights. My fists were already clenched at my
sides.  I could take the fucker on. He was only an inch taller, 5'8 ... and
plus, I was sober.

"Lookie here. Squirt is getting balls cuz his pimp daddy is here to protect
his faggedy ass." He looked over at Kenny and smirked, "Once again."

Kenny's jaw was set and a muscle in his cheek twitched. He would blow.

Liam had stopped laughing. Owen's friends looked on, urging him to hit me.

The tension and stress in the room was really unbearable now. I wanted to
leave all this bullshit behind.

Owen stepped closer and so did I.

Kenny walked up and got between us. He was taller than both of us, and
therefore, pretty much seperated us completely. I couldn't see enough of
Owen to punch him.  Kenny put his hand on my chest and looked at me. Just
looking at his eyes made some of my anger melt. He shook his head and
gently pushed me away. His eyes told me that he wanted to hurt Owen just as
much as me, but now was not the time.

He turned so that we were on either side of him and looked back and forth
between us both, "Guys, calm down. Owen, man, chill. Liam's in the damn
room. Chill out. You're gonna get married in a little while and you don't
look too good. I have the rings. I found the box, aight? Chill, guys...just
chill. Relax."

Kenny fished something out of his pocket and showed it to Liam, and smiled.
"Found it, buddy. I'll hold on to it until the ceremony."

I sighed a visible sigh of relief. Kenny smiled, his dimples showed.
Oie...someone hold me up, because I just might keel over.

SuperKenny to the RESCUE! What else is new?

I gave Kenny the best look of loathing that I could muster and turned away.
He might have looked hurt, but I didn't really ponder on his reaction
much. I still wanted to hurt Owen.

But, the bastard was getting married in a while. So I let it pass. Owen and
I gave each other a withering stare and ignored one another. I hope he
finds the douchebag of a wife of his in bed with another WOMAN on their
wedding night. Never mind, he would probably want to join them.

Kenny and I both helped all the rest of the people (Owen's friends...all
suffering from hangovers) get ready. We hadn't yet spoken a word directly
to each other.

My dad came in, to inspect, no doubt. He grunted because everything was set
and he couldn't complain about anything. Then he left. I had been tense
seeing my father in the room. I always tense up, especially today. I knew
he thought I was somehow jealous of Owen and would do something to fuck it
up. How wrong he was...but it still hurt knowing he thought like that. I
felt Kenny looking at me. I turned to him sharply. He had a look of
sympathy on his face. But, when he saw me staring, his face quickly became
expressionless.

                                        ***

The wedding was...well, a wedding, to say the least. I don't know. Candie
looked like a two-bit whore in a wedding dress. Her boobs were popping out
and I saw her step-father, who walked her down the aisle, peek a glance at
her cleavage. Sick!

Unfortunately, she did not burst into flames. Shame.

But, there were high-points in the wedding. My sisters.

I never knew Elfi was a woman until today. She was always my skinny little
sis. But, today, I saw her walking down the aisle on Kenny's arm in an
atrocious green dress, matching our ties...but she actually made it look
good. She looked gorgeous, but, looking at her stupid grin 'cause Kenny was
walking with her, I felt better. I bit my tongue from laughing at her
facial expression. She wasn't totally grown up yet. But, I was still
overcome with sadness. My baby sister was growing up. She no longer liked
me calling her 'Elfi' in public.

Cat was glowing too. Her doses for her medication had recently been
lowered.  She was getting better.

Everything was changing.

We were all standing in line at the altar. Kenny was standing behind
me. His presence completely enveloped me. I was on overdrive from his
cologne, his fresh soapy scent, that damn lingering of peppermint, and just
him in general. I could sense every movement of his, every rustle of his
garment, every time he sighed. I was that in-tuned to him. I didn't even
focus on the wedding.

When Candie walked down the aisle towards us, I heard Kenny comment, "A
white dress?" I held back a laugh. I could feel him smile. He knew I had
heard him and was trying not to laugh. We were communicating with one
another. Like old times.  It boggled me to know that I could sense him so
much.

I always could, but I thought I was getting over Kenny, over our
friendship.  I never knew I would miss him this much; that we would still
be so familiar with one another's thought. Fourteen years now held a whole
new meaning. It wasn't just long.  It was my whole life. I'm eighteen. That
means that ever since I could play on my own, learn what a friend was,
Kenny had been there.

                                                                     ***

He and his family moved in when I started pre-school. He had started junior
kindergarten.  After his school, he would be sent to our
pre-school/daycare. We had been friends ever since. I remember him walking
up to me the first day, don't ask how I remember, but I do, "I want that
block."

He just demanded it. He knew I was younger, and even back then, he used to
boss me around. He had that arrogance about him even then. Somehow, he knew
that the world would be at his command. I refused to give it to him. He
threatened to beat me up. I told him I had two older brothers AND a sister
(if you knew Cat back then, you would understand, Owen was even scared of
her). He was in awe, being an only child. He asked if he could share them
with me. I told him "yes". But, I never did share Kenny with anyone. Sure,
we had friends, but everyone knew somehow, that no one would come between
us. Us against the world. Until now.

                                  ***

I felt Kenny's eyes on the back of my head. What was he thinking? Was he
disgusted to be so close to me? Was he disgusted knowing that I was
completely floored looking at him today? Dammit! I had to be on guard. I
couldn't be that vulnerable to him again. It would lead to more pain on my
part. Plus, I felt somewhat guilty, knowing that Thane was right. I was
thinking of Kenny.

The priest declared, "If anyone knows any reason why these two should not
be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." Kenny and I
both coughed simultaneously.  I almost turned to look at him. The priest
looked our way. Paused. Owen shot daggers at me. Candie scowled. I dared
not even look at my father. Then he continued.  Dang it, but it felt good,
because I had done it with Kenny. I had voiced my displeasure about such a
scam marriage, even if in such a small way. Yeah, I felt good.

                                   ***

They were married. Nothing more I could do. During the photographs
afterwards, Owen looked like the cat who just ate the canary. I practically
saw the dollar signs popping out of his head. Candie was nowhere to be
seen. I then spotted a flash of white so I went to investigate.

My dear sister-in-law (eww...full body shudder) was feeling Kenny up! What
the fuck?  Kenny tried desperately to shove her away, while trying to
remain polite.

"Candie!" I yelled.

Candie almost toppled over. She turned red, being caught in the act. She
bellowed at me, "Fuck you, cocksucker!!"

"I think you're confusing me with yourself."

She shot me with a look of pure malice and walked away.

Damn disease collector! Damn motherfucking, bitch-assed, skanked-up,
hood-sucking whore!

If Owen had already convinced her that I'm a fag, who am I to try convince
her otherwise?

I looked over at Kenny. He was looking at me. Again, no expression, but
holding my gaze. I tore myself from his gaze and walked away.

                                    ***

It was the evening and everyone was getting ready to go to the reception. I
saw Elfi getting ready in the washroom, whining about something or other
that went wrong with her hair. It looked fine to me.

"Hey Elfi."

"Oh God, Galen! My hair! I can't go to the reception like this. I hate my
hair. It's frizzy.  Cat like gets the curly gene and I get frizzy. It's not
fair!!"

"Err...ok...but, it looks fine to me. Actually, better than fine. It looks
great."

"You're totally lying!"

"Honest to God! I wanted to tell you...you looked damn good at the wedding
today."

She paused all her fussing, and turned to me, and a smile burst out, toothy
grin and all, "You really think so?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

She was blushing, as she lowered her eyes, "Kenny told me before we walked
down the aisle that, like, I was the prettiest girl in church."

I smiled at her, "So what am I, chopped liver?? I don't count??"

She elbowed me, "No, you're my brother."

I huffed, "Fine then. I take it back. You're ugly as hell, FIONA." I
pretended to be hurt as I turned and started walking away.

She rushed out of the washroom and grabbed my hand, "Galen, um...like, you
could still call me Elfi at home and stuff, ok?"

I looked at her, skeptical.

She started blushing again, "I kinda like it." Then she turned away and was
gone.

I shook my head. That girl was impossible, and completely lovable.

Ok, so everyone was going to go to the reception, where I would have to
toast the damn couple...and there was no way I was going to do that. No
way.

I really didn't want to go. I needed time alone, to think. I was so
confused after seeing Kenny. I know I should be mad at him, but after
seeing him today, my emotions were all over the place. Plus, that short,
but powerful, conversation about Thane that I had with Cat.

I sneaked up to the tree-house with my pack of smokes and just watched the
moon come up. It was full like that night with Kenny when I tried smoking
for the first time.

Seeing Kenny again opened up a whole flood of feelings, hurt and
memories. I unconsciously rubbed my tongue over the little bump on my lip
from his punch. I knew I had to let him go, but I couldn't, I fucking
couldn't. Everything was about Kenny.  Everything. Even if I tried, it all
came back to Kenny. He would haunt me until I breathed my last breath. I
had to accept the fact.

He was the biggest schemer ever.

When we were kids, every second, he would be spinning tales about his life.
Most, if not all, were lies. Big fat lies. But, as we were growing up, I
believed him. I was in awe of him. When I had confided in Kenny about the
secret joys of masturbation at the age of 11, thinking that I had one-up on
him, he had nonchalantly pointed out that it was no big deal and that he
had been doing it, AND, unlike me, spewing cum too, for about five years
now..which would have made him 7 when he started. YEAH RIGHT!! I was later
told the truth by Owen and my Sex-ed class. But, back then, I swallowed it
all.

His grandfather's uncle, still living in Italy, was apparently a mafia
leader, and since Mama Brien married an Irishman, she was cut off from the
family and if I asked her to confirm the story (cuz he knew I would ask
her), she would deny because she was so torn up about it. I later confirmed
that his great-uncle was far from a Don, he had run a bakery shop.

Idiot that I am...I did believe him at the time. Every last word.

He was not the most reliable of friends. He was very self-centered, and at
times, controlling, and always needed to get his way. He never apologized
for any of his wrongs. He was plain rude to people sometimes. Could he be a
bastard? HELL YEAH!

But...

There would be these rare moments, when he would do something that was so
subtle, that went unnoticed, but in the root of it all, there was a feeling
that he cared. He was human.  Like coming to the same University as me. He
would never admit that he did it, he wouldn't want me to know that he did
something for me. He just did it, not thinking of getting recognition.

Or, other times, when I was upset or angry over something and I came to him
- to bitch and whine, he would just sit and listen. He would bitch and cuss
along with me. I would complain how the world was unfair and blame everyone
from my family to God to just life...everyone but me.  "Yeah, what the fuck
is up with God?? Why is he shitting with you, Galen??  That's whack!!!!
Trust me, bro, you don't deserve this."

He wouldn't tell me what we both knew to be the truth - that I brought it
all on myself.  Instead, he would take my side, right or wrong, because he
knew that at that moment, I didn't need preaching, or him to get all
high-and-mighty...but just to know that he was there. That SOMEONE was
there for me, as horrible a person as I might be.

Yeah, these moments, if seen carefully enough, they held tenderness.

And then, the other side of the coin - Thane.

I didn't even want to call Thane. I was so upset with him because of Mama
Brien and her phone calls. We were going to have to have a talk when I got
back. About a lot of things.  I couldn't take it anymore. He was not who I
thought him to be. Maybe, that was always him, always there. I just didn't
notice. He was a romantic, no doubt. He did things that were nice, that
were sweet - that were completely blatant. As if he wanted me to notice how
sweet he was...Hmm...Hallmark a run for their money.

Thane - He was like a fallen angel to me now. I guess I was wrong to put
him on the pedestal in the first place, but it was too late. I did, and he
fell.

I sat there contemplating my life. It was funny how things changed so fast.
How we went on such a trip, such a ride called 'life' and there were hardly
any moments in there that we could control, that we could foresee. Things
just happened. One after the other.  Everything was a domino effect. Life
is a domino effect. The first chip to fall was when I came out of my
mother's womb. I wondered where the last chip would land. I hoped somewhere
where I was happy, where I loved, and was loved back.

                                   ***

I heard the familiar, yet, new, creaks made by the stairs leading up to the
tree-house. The gait on the steps were much heavier. But, I knew who it was
nonetheless.

He had to crouch when he reached the door.  The boy was 6'2 and then some!
He was still wearing the suit and looking as gorgeous as ever. I took in a
surge of breath. He could break my heart with just a stare. I wondered if
he knew that.

He was on his hands and knees. I almost felt bad that he had to be so tall
and broad. He looked like a clown, trying to contort his body to fit into
the clown car.

I chuckled.

"I guess I do look funny. Damn these strong, yet beautiful legs of mine."
He was smiling as he wiggled his eyebrows.

I snorted. Leave it to him to redefine "narcissistic". Boi had too much
pride.

We sat in silence for a long time. I still had not looked him in the eye. I
couldn't bring myself to. We were in too close a proximity. I didn't trust
myself. We were pretty much squished together.

Damn the tree-house had shrunk.

"Look how much we've grown." Kenny finally commented.

We were always on the same page.

Another stretch of silence. The silence catches me off-guard. Like meeting
an old friend after a long time, in a completely unexpected and random
place. I am not prepared, not at all prepared to meet him again.

"What do you want?" I was tired. I didn't care anymore. He could beat me up
and I wouldn't resist. I would lay there and take it.

He chose to ignore my question by asking one of his own. "Why aren't you at
the reception?"

Two can play at this game. After all, I learnt from the best. "Why aren't
you?"

"My dance partner went missing." He snorted.

I looked at him. He smiled. Damn those dimples, again and again.

We were quiet again. It was uncomfortable. There was so much hanging in the
space between us. Waiting to bury us.

He tried again. "I still can't get over the wedding. What a scam. Cat
filled me in. Too bad Aidan wasn't here."

"He wouldn't want to be, not with people like that." I took a puff from my
cig and watched as the smoke slowly made its way out the window. I wanted
to escape just like the smoke.

"True say. Hey, you never did speak to him after that day. If you want. I
know where he is. They had babies. Him and Ana. Twins. A boy and a
girl. They're now...um...three, I think."

I looked at him. What?? How??

I couldn't help the tears from slipping. I was an uncle.

He smiled a sad smile and shrugged, "What can you do...that's life."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He wouldn't look me in the eye, "Um...this was not my idea.
Um...well...he'll kill me...but fuck it. He's been in contact with us for a
while. Well, a year after he left your house. He called Ma up. He wanted to
keep in touch. Asked about you all.  That was his way of still keeping
contact, I guess. He calls every so often."

"WHAT??!! Four years...he's been in touch with you??? And not us?? His own
fucking family??" I looked at him, anger in my eyes, "How could you not
tell me??"  I felt betrayed.

Kenny looked guilty, "He made us promise not to. Not until he felt that you
all were ready to see him again.  He didn't want to create conflict with
you guys and your folks, have you all sneak around to see him behind your
parents' backs. You guys were still not of age, he didn't want you all to
go through all that bullshit...besides, he knew how mad you all were at
him."

"Of course we were upset. Him and Cat were so close. She had to go through
the abortion alone. She needed him. I...I had shit to deal with...I...I
needed him!"

"I'm not saying what he did was right, Galen. Hell, I wouldn't even talk to
him when he called the house. Only Ma. I was mad at him for you...but,
well, sometimes, it's hard to live up to expectations...especially yours."

"What the fuck does that mean? I'm sorry if us wanting our eldest brother
to be a part of our lives is an unreasonable expectation."

"He had it pretty hard, Galen. His parents disowned him."

"We didn't."

"He knows that. He cares, man. That's why he kept in touch with us. He was
so happy when he heard you got into the Arts program. He gloated that he
always knew you could."

I half-smiled, remembering, "He bought me my first sketchpad and colouring
pencils."

Kenny smiled, "You were such a nerd. You showed them off like they was gold
or something. Trust me, as much as you thought it at the time, I was not
jealous."

I returned his smile, "Sure...sure..."

Kenny frowned, "When he told us that Ana was gonna have babies, I wanted
him to tell you all. He wouldn't. We argued. I was so pissed at him. I
think he's scared to be rejected by you all too, like he was by your
folks."

I didn't respond.

Aidan. I missed him so fucking much. Especially in these times, at family
gatherings...surrounded by my relatives, self-righteous relatives. All
hypocrites...all fake happiness.

I had made up my mind. I could care less what my parents thought. Plus, I
was tired of holding on to my resentment towards Aidan. I would also tell
Elfi and Cat. I knew they would want to go too.

"Kenny, I want to go see him."

Kenny smiled and nodded, happy at my choice, "For sure. I'll give you the
info. He would be happy."

I would finally see Aidan. And Ana...and my new nephew and niece. What a
mind- fuck...

We were silent again. He seemed hesitant to get into the fact that we
hadn't spoken for five months now. And I didn't know if I wanted him to. I
didn't think I could stand to hear him spell it out that he was disgusted
that I turned out to be gay.  Those words would hurt more than his punch
ever did.

Again...long stretch of silence.

I heard the crickets. I took another drag from my cigarette, noticing the
little orange glow at its tip. The gentle breeze, so familiar.

Deja vu.

I shuddered.

I guess he saw me shudder. "It does get cold here...hope you actually got
some sleep."  Kenny said.

I swiveled my head towards him. His blue eyes were sparkling with the
truth.  He knew I slept here.

"How...?" Oh, never mind. It wasn't important.

"So..."

"So, where did you find the rings?"

"Oh, the box was left beside a half-eaten bowl of Fruit Loops. Found it
this morning on the dining room table. What were you thinking giving it to
him? He's only 10, you loser."

"I dunno...thanks."

"Yeah well..."

We were quiet again. Awkward. We knew we needed to talk, but we were now
making small talk...hoping that somehow the bigger issue would be
resolved. Fat chance.

Not again. But, Kenny still tried, "Elfi looked good. I was like,
"Wha...?""

I smiled, "I know. She's not chicken-legs no more."

He laughed, "She used to cry every time we made fun of her."

I shook my head, remembering, "She didn't care if I called her that. Only
you. You called her flatbread. I remember she stuffed her bra once after
you started to tease her. We kept badgering her that day, sneezing and then
asking her for tissues. She bawled. She has the maddest crush on you, eh."

Kenny half-smiled, his dimples appearing.

It all clicked. Kenny's comment to Elfi before the wedding. So, that's why
she had that stupid grin on her face.

I looked over at Kenny and smiled in gratitude.

Fiona, I think, always felt a little neglected. I tried extra hard to pay
attention to her.  That's why she was the closest to me. Dad didn't think
much of her because she could be a little flaky at times. But, she was the
most lovable and caring out of us all. She's the only one who would throw
parties for birthdays and make cake for whomever.  Poor chick had to take
the burden of looking after the house with Ma, 'cause Cat got sick and
everyone assumed that she be treated like she had leprosy. I left for
University and Owen was as helpful as a pet rock. Liam was too young. So,
Fiona had to do it all. Also, my relatives always commented that Cat was
beautiful but said nothing about Fiona. Another reason why I hated my
relatives. She was always seen as the one who was skinny, knobby-kneed,
freckles. I think she grew up feeling bad about herself.

I wanted to reach out and hug Kenny. "Thanks, bro."

See...see what I mean about these rare moments of kindness?? I didn't know
how I could hate him. I was trying, really, but then he would turn around
and do something so...  damn...I dunno...DAMN HIM!!

He shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing, "I wasn't lying." He paused
and then laughed, "She turned to me and I swear, chick looked broke, yo. I
thought I did something wrong. In all seriousness, she told me that I was
too late. She already had a boyfriend that she loved "like totally". I told
her that I would be very disapointed but would try to get over it."

We both laughed. Then I realized. "What?? She has a boyfriend?? She's only
fifteen!!!  Who??"

"I know. I was ready to find the l'il shit and kick his ass. He's in her
class. Whoever he is...I think we need to 'visit' him soon."

A moment of comfort, of friendship...of familiarity...

I snickered and turned to him. Both of ours eyes were gleaming as I
whispered, "Hell yeah, dude."

Another stretch of silence as time moved on. This one was long...much too
long...I was squirming in anticipation.

And back to square one.

Who the fuck am I? I am not worth noting. Time isn't standing still for me.

A whisper is heard from Kenny, "I am sorry."

Unless...someone decreed it so.

I can only blink and ask, "Come again?"

Kenny! Kenny! MY KENNY could not have just apologized. THE BOY HAS NEVER,
and I mean, NEVER, EVER, APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE FOR ANYTHING IN HIS
LIFE. Even when I broke my leg when he dared me to jump. He was apologizing
to me today?

I looked up at the sky to see if the sky was falling.

"I am sorry for punching you out that day. I am sorry that I turned on you
when you told me you...um...that you were...gay."

My head was spinning. I tried to make some sense, but couldn't find none.

More silence.

Finally...

I broke in, "What do you want me to say, Kenny?" I looked at him, hopeless,
as I threw the smoke out the window.

He shrugged his shoulders and looked at his hands like a lost little boy.
"It's not much, I guess...but...that day...you...never mind...it's not
important."

I've come this far, might as well hit the nail on the head. "Why don't you
like talking about problems? Why do you avoid it? Are you afraid? Is the
almighty Kenneth O'Brien afraid of something in his life?"

"Yes." He looked up and held my gaze. His breath came out haggard. I had
never in my life seen him so confused, so lost, so vulnerable. He was
always so self-assured. I could hear his heart pounding, thump, thump,
thumpety-thump, thump, or was it mine? He took in a surge of breath, but he
wouldn't let me leave. Those blue jewels held me to the spot.  I saw his
lips form the word as he spoke, "You."

For another time today, he had left me completely speechless.

When I didn't say anything he continued, raw emotion vibrating along with
his voice.  "Um...ok...you want to talk? Hm...topics of discussion...let's
see."

He counted off each reason with his finger, "you drawing a picture of me
naked, that day with the doobie and the supa in my washroom, always
checking me out when you don't think I am looking, touching me way more
than necessary when we play b-ball, you didn't just guard me, you were more
involved in copping a feel, looking at my cock whenever I was naked in
front of you, me being the only one who talked about girls as we were
growing up. What else?? Oh...that day we tried smoking for the first
time..dude, you were sporting a boner as I massaged your back..."

He was running out of fingers, I was running out of oxygen.

I know I was completely red. My ears were burning. He was more perceptive
than I gave him credit for. Half the things he mentioned...I didn't even
think I did...but now that I reminisce...oh crap!!!

HE KNEW!!! KENNY KNEW!! HE HAD ALWAYS KNOWN!! HOLY FUCK!!!!

I wanted to disapear. I was so fucking embarrassed. Oh God!! Please, oh
please, let a Boeing 747 make a detour and head right towards me. Please
let the earth swallow me whole. I was so humiliated. Was I always that
transparent? Kenny had always known about me?? And all that time, I thought
I was fooling him? Pretending to date Hannah?  He must think I'm the
biggest dope. Going out with Thane?? OH GOD!!!!

And today...I couldn't believe he just let it all out. All of it. Out
there.  He said it.  Boy had more guts than I gave him credit for.

"Oh." To say that I was surprised would be a gross understatement.

I guess he saw the disbelief plastered all over my face. He smiled a bitter
smile, eyes half closed, "Dude, give me some credit. We've been best
friends for almost fifteen years now."

Shit! I wanted it. He gave it. Now it was my turn. I couldn't meet his
eyes.  I didn't know whether to laugh at the absurdity of the whole
situation or cry because he knew the biggest secret of my life that I tried
SO hard to keep from him. So, all I could say was, "And...?" Ok, so I
wasn't the best.

What the fuck could I have said in response???? My head was spinning.

"Why." He and I both knew it wasn't a question. He didn't ask it as a
question. We both knew why - because I had been madly and hopelessly in
love with him for all that time.

I decided to steer the topic another way. "Are you disgusted that I turned
out to be gay?  Do you hate me?"

He looked at me like he couldn't believe I had just said that. It was a
look of pure disbelief. "No!!! You trippin'?!"

"Then why would you hit me?"

Checkmate!

He looked me square in the eye, "You really have no clue, do you?"

I must have had the most blankest expression on my face, "Huh?"

Call me 'confused'! What the fuck was he talking about???!!!

I saw him loosen his tie and then he ran his long, strong fingers through
that mass of hair.  I wanted to be those fingers. I wanted to touch that
hair, feel it between my fingers.

Kenny was clearly frustrated over something. I tried to get some
understanding into my head. What did he mean? Because he was blaming Thane
for making me act out my homosexuality? Was he ok with me being gay as long
as I didn't play the part? Out of sight, out of mind?

He looked at me and with a slow jerk of his head, he whispered, more to
himself, than me, "Aw...fuck it."

That's when I felt him moving closer to me. Everything quieted down. I
didn't ever hear the crickets. I guess, like me, everyone held their
breath, even time.  Nothing of his moved, except his face as it got closer
and closer to mine. I was too stunned to do anything but sit there. This
could not be happening. It was a dream, a cruel dream. Kenny was not
gay. He hasn't been gay for the nine years that I've been in love with him,
he cannot be...

His eyes flickered back and forth from between my eyes, searching for any
signs from me, any hesitation, any resistance. I could only look into his
eyes. I was lost there, hopelessly lost and I could've cared less. I felt
his breath on my lips. It smelled like peppermint. It smelled like
Kenny. He surrounded me. His whole fucking being just covered me like a
blanket. I had never in my life felt so safe, so warm, so right.

A dream...a fucking dream...wake up Galen...wake up...but, I sure as hell
didn't want to wake up, ever.

Slowly, but surely, his lips brushed mine. It was a light brush. So tender,
so unsure, so innocent. I thought it was my imagination. I kept looking
into his eyes.  They told stories of us. They reflected the memories of us,
of that night, here in the tree-house all those years ago.

I let out a sigh...one that I'm sure I had held since my childhood. I can't
tell you, it was a relief of the most intense kind.

I felt them again.

His lips. There was no denying it this time. It was no dream. It was warm,
and wet and tasted like a bit of heaven. I was on over-drive. His tongue
ventured out and I gladly opened my mouth for it. It took a tentative step
into my hot mouth, unsure.  It licked my wound on my lip, my
stitches. Kenny knew it was from his punch. It was his way of saying
sorry. He was licking my wounds. The bittersweet moment was too deep for
tears.

I forgave him the only way I knew. I sucked in his tongue.

He understood as well.

He got more daring and ran his tongue along the back of my bottom gum. I
had had stitches there when I fell from the tree-house. I guess when they
stitched me up some nerves got mixed, because every time I run my tongue
over it, it's like an electric shock. I had told Kenny that. We thought it
was "cool" then. Now it took on a whole new meaning. So long, so long
ago... motherfucker remembered.

Holy shit!!! His tongue, his gentleness, his familiarity, him...Kenny. I
couldn't control myself. My dick was hard instantly. Shivers ran through my
body. I feared that I might be having a seizure. I think if we continued
more, I would have come with just the kiss.

He moved away. I moaned. I moved my lips towards him again, already feeling
the loss, the absence of his lips. I kept on moving my face, my lips
searching for salvation, for Kenny. I couldn't find him. A fear crept into
me. Please don't let me dream this. Please.

I opened my eyes. Kenny was sitting back again, against the opposite wall.
He was smiling. Not smirking, not a smart-ass look on his face. It was a
look of openness, of happiness, of purity. It was a genuine smile...just
for me.

He spoke first, "When you're with that someone, dude, you just know."

I was thoroughly confused, "Wha...?"

He smiled, "How to kiss."

The memory coursed through my brain, and I felt a pang of sadness. When
Kenny first came to me, afraid of how to kiss, in this same tree-house, I
had told him that. He remembered. I can't believe he remembered such a
miniscule thing. My heart jumped a beat at the realization.

I had to be stupid. "So...um...are you...gay?"

Kenny looked at me to see if I was kidding. He gave a second's pause and
then cracked up laughing. Tears running down his face. He laughed that
hard. Ok, ok...I have to stop being so DUMB! It was pretty funny. I started
cracking up too.

We were back. I thought there would be awkward tension after the kiss (damn
I love saying that) but we were back, Kenny and I, laughing like old times.

Finally, after he calmed down, I tried again. I needed answers. I was
slowly floating down to earth. Realizations were setting in. I raked my
hair with my hands, "Seriously, dude...what the hell was THAT?!"

He grinned, "Daym!! Was I that good???!!! Did I just re-invent the kiss??"

I wanted to tell him that he was so good that I didn't have words to
explain it. But...his head was already big enough, no need to contribute
more to it.

"Shut up, you know what I'm talking about."

Kenny shrugged and looked out the window, at the moon. The man on the moon
must be pretty vain, we stared at him so much. "I dunno...but, I'm sure not
as straight as we both thought, eh?"

"Bi?"

His right hand rubbed the back of his neck. He was nervous. "Bi,
tri...fuck...I dunno...does it matter? Do I need to be labelled? I kissed
you. Period."  Leave it to Kenny to jump to the nitty-gritty. He never
dilly-dallied.

"Um..." One thought kept bombarding me, like a bullet: Thane, Thane, Thane.
I didn't want to think about him. I wanted to enjoy the moment, be selfish
and enjoy the kiss, my fantasy for so long. But, I guess I should expect
it. God always gave me things when I didn't want them. Where were you when
the confused boy prayed to you every night to grant this wish? Where the
hell were you then?

"Galen, I don't know what the hell I want. Hell, that was the first time I
ever kissed a guy! I wanted to...for a while. You, I mean. Not just any
dude. I finally got frustrated...wanted to see what the big deal was." He
smirked.

"And...?"

"If you pay me enough, I think I could manage it again."

"Fuck you." I don't know why that line made me catch my breath. I looked at
him. I know I was clearly blushing. Oh fuck me! I mean, no...no...aw hell!

It was awkward. We both were thinking the same thing. I tried to look
anywhere but at him, finally settling on the moon again.

Another period of silence.

He shifted himself, getting ready to go down. I wanted to stay up here.

He slowly made his way down. I watched as more and more of him disappeared
down below.

Finally, when I could only see his blue eyes, "Maybe."

I knew the bastard was smiling. He didn't wait for an answer. He was gone.

                                     ***

I called Thane the next day. It was partly due to my guilt, but also to
tell him how the wedding went. He asked me about Kenny. I balked. Could he
sense something?  No, I was being a moron.

I assured him everything was fine and that Kenny and I "talked" things over
and we were on good terms again. He started making a big fuss about me
forgiving Kenny so fast. I wanted to end the call. Tomorrow I would be
going back to Thane anyway. I promised him we could talk then. Oh boy, did
we need to talk. My work at the art gallery started in a week. I wanted to
go and get settled in. Plus, my family was still here...some lingering
relatives. I didn't like being around them.

Confused again. Yep, that's me. I hadn't the slightest clue what to do. Who
did I want?  Kenny or Thane? Thane was my first for so many things. I owed
him so much.  He gave me stability when I had none. He was and still is
constant. Kenny...well...I don't know what the deal with him was. I could
never see him being as loving nor as caring as Thane.  Kenny snickered
during romantic dialogue in movies. He didn't have a romantic bone in his
body. But...he is my first love...was...is...

OH DAMN!!!

Before I left, I had to talk to Kenny. A little voice inside of me, from
way back when, kept hoping that Kenny would beg me to stay. I knew if he
asked, just once even, I would drop everything and be here.

But...we're talking about Kenny. Mr. Macho Man. Pussy magnet! Don Juan! Why
would he settle for me? He didn't even know how to spell "monogamy". I bet
the kiss was just out of impulse. He never mentioned commitment. He,
himself, said that he was unsure of what to do now.

Kenny left me with too many doubts. I didn't know how things would be. Was
I willing to risk Thane to take a chance on Kenny? Knowing him? Call me
humble, but I do not think I could make Kenny change, nor did I want him to
change...but...I couldn't have a relationship with him seeing others. I
couldn't. It would break me in two.

Yup, there were too many insecurities and uncertainties...I definitely
needed to speak with Kenny.

                                     ***

When I got to Kenny's place the next morning, Mama Brien was watching TV in
the living room. "Galen...where were you? We missed you at the reception."

"Didn't feel like going." Ya, my parents gave me hell for not showing up. I
did what I usually do when I feel like telling them off. I shut up and took
in all their bullshit and apologized. One day, I promise, I will grow
balls.

"I see...well, neither did Kenny. I'm guessing you boys sorted yourself out
last night?"  She was smiling sheepishly.

"Yeah." I started blushing, remembering last night.

She winked at me. I almost fainted. She couldn't have known! "Good, go on,
he's upstairs."

I tried to refrain myself from bounding up the stairs like a kid waiting to
open his Christmas presents.

Kenny was just lying on his bed, listening to music. It was a slow
jam...reggae. Foxy Brown.

"Hey baby, even though you break my heart, I still love you and I always
will. 'Sorry' is all that you can say...years gone by and still...the words
don't come easily...like 'sorry'...like 'sorry'... 'forgive me'... is all
that you can say...years gone by and still...and you can say, 'baby...and
my baby can I hold you tonight?'...And maybe, if I told you the right
words, ooh, at the right time...you'd be mine. 'I love you' is all that you
can say...years gone by and still...the words don't come easily."

He looked off-da-hook as always - in his mesh basketball shorts and a
wifebeater. White bandana on his head. He was totally thuggin! What! White
wifebeater with black shorts against his tan skin. His tattoo just screamed
to be licked. It was so fucking awsome. It was my design. He had a part of
me eternally etched on him. Who could resist? I popped a woodie right
there. Did he do this on purpose, every time?

Kenny spoke first, " 'Sup, dawg?"

Our right fists clashed in greeting. But, I was silent...actually, I was
too busy checking him out. He seemed new to me...finally, an attainable
Kenny. This, to me, was a whole new feeling.

He was waiting for my move.

I moved to "my" spot, plopping down on the beanbag, right beside his bed.

I started blushing like crazy. Should I go and hug him? Kiss him? Fuck him?
Suck him?  What?

We kissed last night but this morning seemed to bring about this unease. I
don't know why. I felt something was amiss. Finally, when I couldn't come
up with a single thing to do, other than shove my hands deep into the
pockets of my cargo pants, I just settled for, "Hi."

I kept on checking him out, lying there on that bed, looking way better
than any human had a right to.

"Galen?? Yo??!! You gonna gawk all day or what?"

"Shut up..."

Kenny snickered when he caught my admiring glances and winked at me, "You
wanting to see me nekkid, eih boi?"

His comment brought my wandering eyes back up from his crotch to his
face. I was buring with embarrassement.

OH SHIT! This was too weird. He was joking with me, but there was a
definite flirting undertone. I swear I felt it. Never before.  "N-o-o..."

He raised one of his eyebrow in answer.

I was so fucking nervous. This was the beginning of us. Kenny and Galen. I
didn't know how to start, what to say...and there was always
Thane...but...Kenny was here...and I wanted him. I just realized: I wanted
Kenny. I've always loved him. Now, after last night, I finally got my
wish. He wanted me too.

Or...I hoped so.

That's why I was here, right? To find out.

But, stupid, pathetic idiot that I am, I couldn't utter a single word about
'us', "Kenny, I start work soon and I have to go back. I don't want
to...but..." Do you want to come with me??

IDIOT!! I WAS A BONAFIDE IDIOT!!! Why couldn't I ask him???

My stomach was in so many knots...DAMN EVERYTHING TO HELL!!!!!!

What's the worst that could happen?? He could laugh in my face and break my
heart into a thousand and one pieces. Not bad at all.

Kenny turned away from me, "Yeah, yeah, right...and back to
what's-his-queer-face."

"His queer face has a name. It's Thane, but...I've been thinking about
that..." And I want to be with you.

GALEN: STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF!! KENNY CAN'T READ YOUR MIND, YOU LOSER!!!

His head started bopping to the music. He spoke off-handedly, "Yeah.
Well...bye dude. I heard about the Art Gallery job. Tight! Good luck with
that."

I cleared my throat, "Thanks. Kenny...about...um...you know...last
night...and..."

His face was a look of nonchalance, "And...?"

"Dammit, don't play dumb." I raked my hair, a nervous habit, "The kiss."

He was going to make me say it. His eyes told me so. The determination set
in his face told me so, "And...?"

"What game are you playing with me, Kenny? Don't you?...I mean...I just
thought...that...you and I...and well...after the kiss...you
are...and...well..."

Kenny's voice interrupted my grand speech, taking on a demeaning tone,
"Bro, here's a hint: stick with ONE thought and finish it until you reach
its end.  Now...GO!" At his last word, he pointed both his index fingers at
me and raised his eyebrows expectantly. The smile on his lips was fake and
cold.

What was going on??? Why was he being a jackass?

We just stared at one another, in a sort of challenge. But, I didn't know
what the challenge was.

It felt like Kenny and I were having two totally different conversations. I
had no idea what he was talking about, why he seemed mad at ME??!!

Time moved on, slow...real slow...maddeningly slow...and we both just
stared at one another.  Me: trying to read in his eyes that which he seemed
unwilling to say.  Him: trying to cover the truth with a facade of apathy.

Finally, I got the nerve, recalling the kiss, seeing the openness in
Kenny's eyes, the love.  I couldn't understand why he pretended that he
didn't care. There was no doubt, he had wanted that. I know he did. I KNOW!
I felt it. "Ok, Kenny, come back with me. You know, we could be together."

I would technically be going back to stay at Thane's apartment, my
apartment, and I didn't think Kenny would be too welcomed. But, right
now...I was not thinking...I was acting on emotion...on impulse...following
my heart.

So there.

I said it. I couldn't have said it any clearer.

But...but...

He didn't respond.

This was not good at all.

KENNY FUCKING DIDN'T RESOND!!!

This was not good, not good at all...my whole body was on the edge with
anticipation.

I heard the clock ticking, even through the music. It was excruciatingly
annoying. It zeroed into my range of hearing, blocking out everything. The
sound seemed to get louder and louder, like a fly buzzing right before you
are dozing off to sleep. It intensified. I felt myself becoming the
screamer from Munch's painting.  Nothing was right. Nothing felt right.

Kenny didn't respond. He kept looking at the wall opposite to him.

Oh shit! SAY SOMETHING!!!!

Doubts set in to help me lose track - of the silence, of the time, that was
wasting away.

Why wasn't he speaking?? Saying something?? Did I put him on the spot??

Or...

He regretted it. He regretted kissing me last night!

That's it!!

And why shouldn't he? I'm just stupid Galen. More than available for Kenny,
at his every beck and call. His little puppy dog. Just waiting for his
master's voice.

Fuck!

I finally got it! Bastard! The kiss, last night...it was one of his
mind-games, power plays.  He kissed me so that I would cheat on Thane. He
doesn't want me. He just wants to fuck up my life, my happiness with Thane,
which he didn't have any control over for once.  FUCKING BASTARD!

Was I mad? Hell yeah!

My voice was calm but there was no mistaking the venom dripping with each
word, "You sick fuck! How dare you kiss me last night knowing that I was
with Thane?"

This time, I did get a reaction from Mr. Stone Cold, "Wha...? Come again?"

"You wanted me to fuck up my relationship with Thane. You forced me to kiss
you. That was your plan all along!!!"

Kenny started laughing like it was the funniest thing he's ever heard.
"Wow....hahaha...wait, hold up...hahahaha...lemme get this straight, queer
boy- wonder...I forced you??? I forced you??!! This is classic. This is
really rich! Yes, Galen, of course. My bad. Now I remember: I tripped you
and you landed on my fucking lips."

My mouth hung open. The nerve of the conceited bastard bitch. I wanted to
punch him so bad and wipe that stupid smirk off his face, "You find
everything funny. You want to take everything as a joke. Fuck you!
I...I...I...no...it's...FUCK YOU, Kenny!"

"I...I...I...nice try, Galen! If I recall, after I moved away, you were
leaning towards me, begging me, pleading with me to kiss you again. Listen,
if you want to ease your own guilt by putting the blame on me, go ahead, by
all means, keep on frontin'.  I don't mind.  Really."

I couldn't control myself.

THE NERVE!!!  Begging??? Pleading???

Turning all this on ME??!!! My life was going fine, ignoring him, living in
almost-bliss with Thane, a good job, a nice apartment...very nice...and he
comes and shakes it up...makes me doubt myself, gives me false hope...

I jumped off the couch and lunged at him, lying so fucking chilaxed on the
damn bed, "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!"

In a blind flurry of movement, I straddled him and punched him in the
stomach. He barely flinched. I knotted my hand into a fist, ready to zero
in on his face, that fucking face of his, that would haunt me every night
of my life.

My right fist swung, for his face, but his hand caught my wrist. My left
one, in reflex, tried to gut him again, but he caught that one too.

I was so trapped...SO FUCKING TRAPPED!!

I was yelling and cussing as I struggled to break free, but his hold on me
was solid. He was way stronger than me. Who was I kidding? "I hate you,
Kenny. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!"

I refused to cry in front of the bastard. I was so mad at him. So fucking
mad.

I started kicking my legs, hoping to connect with his balls...

"FUCK, GALEN!! You freakin' psycho!! Stop this shit!!" He flipped me on my
back and hovered over me, pinning my legs with his and trapping my arms
over my head.

I was still struggling, but to no avail.

He jerked me, letting me know that I was immobile, under his control. DAMN
HIM!! I WAS ALWAYS UNDER HIS CONTROL!!!

First he leads me on, then he rejects me, then he drives me to insanity,
humiliates me by overpowering me...and then leaves me to feel the
repercussions of it all.

I looked him in the eye. Mine's held anger, his held nonchalance.

FUCKING NONCHALANCE!!!

I did the only thing I could.

I spit in his face. He was over me, and I forgot about this damn thing
called...gravity. My spit landed back on my face. Jesus.

I didn't know how much more I could humiliate myself.

I wanted to break down and cry...plead with Kenny to care...to return my
love.

But, he wouldn't. I wanted to hate him so much, with every fiber of my
being...but I couldn't get beyond the pain, the hurt, the humiliation of it
all.

"Kenny, hit me. Bastard! Hit me. DO IT!! FUCKING DO IT!!!"

So that I could blame you...and let you go...fourteen years I gave to
you...don't make me waste more...hit me...OH GOD!!!

Kenny's eyes were not angry. I wanted him to be angry. I was desperately
losing the battle with myself. I would not cry. I would not. I bit my lip
'till I felt the coppery taste of my own blood. I made a horrible mistake
thinking that Kenny was ready to start something with me, that his kiss
meant that he was ready to be with me...but I was wrong..

"HIT ME!! YOU DID IT ONCE. DO IT AGAIN!!! HIT ME!!! PUNCH THE FUCK OUT OF
ME!!!" Cuz you certainly don't love the fuck out of me...

His eyes were now sad, "No."

"WHY???!! YOU LOVED IT THE FIRST TIME!!!"

A muscle in his cheek twitched. I hit a nerve.

SCORE ONE FOR GALEN!

"Galen, I said sorry for that last night. Stop this. What the hell are you
doing??"

I was tired and out of breath, and having him hovering over me was not
helping me. My body was betraying me. I felt so pathetic. I tried to squirm
out of his steadfast grip, but couldn't. "Let me go, Kenny. Just let me
go."

For a second, I thought I saw an emotion flicker over his face, but it was
too fleeting. He nodded his head slowly, "Ok."

His eyes searched my face, for a hidden agenda. When he finally figured
that I wouldn't attack him again, he got off of me and moved out of the bed
and stood by his window, his back to me.

I lay on his bed, looking up at the ceiling, panting for breath, wanting to
dissapear from there...be anywhere but there.

I lifted my t-shirt and wiped the spit from my face. I had no more will to
fight.

Now, I was just sad. Sad for me, but, more importantly, sad for the mistake
Kenny was making. All those string of girls with no names, barely
recognizable faces.  The asshole that he was, he was still my best
friend. I still hurt for him, especially since he was so oblivious to his
problems, unlike me.

My voice croaked, "Kenny, I feel sorry for you. Don't do this. Don't always
push people away. If not with me, let someone into your heart. Or else, you
will be a very lonely man." As an afterthought, I continued, "You really
don't give a flying fuck, do you?"

He still didn't turn around as he looked out his window, no doubt to our
tree-house. His back was still to me. "Flying, running, swimming...it
doesn't matter...no. I don't give a fuck. You should know that about me by
now. I have enough choice pussies to last me for quite a long time. Don't
worry your little head about me being lonely.  Now, I hear Thane blowing
his whistle. Shooo...Galen, run."

"But the kiss..."

I saw his shoulders move up and down in a shrug, "Call it scratching a
curiosity itch.  Nothing more."

"I thought you changed. That...with me..."

He whirled around to face me. His face hardened and his eyes turned cold -
ice blue. I shivered unintentionally. He brought the chill of winter into
the room with his stare, "That what, Galen? That I would give up everything
for you?? Really, Galen...what makes you think you could change ME?"

Each word of his was like a knife digging into my exposed heart. I couldn't
help keep the lone tear that escaped my treacherous eye as I sat up on his
bed, "I don't want to change you, Kenny. I don't, really. Please believe
me. I don't." By this point, I reached desperation, some may even call it -
pathetic. I called it optimism at the time. "I thought this was what you
wanted. The kiss. Last night. I felt it. Kenny, don't ...you want this. I
know you do."

He massaged his temples, showing his annoyance with me, "Or maybe it's you
wishing that I do. Listen, Galen, go back to Thane." When he looked at me,
his face was one of exasperation, "Oh, crap me. You seriously are not gonna
burst into tears, are you?"

My spine hardened.

I tried, I really did try.

It just seemed Kenny was intent on being the biggest asshole possible. He
had these moods every so often...well...I wasn't gonna stay around and be
his punching bag. Not this time.

I even swallowed my pride and opened myself to Kenny today. He just hurt
me.  "You really are a bastard."

"Well, it takes every kind to make the world go around. You're doing your
part. I'll gladly do mine."

Thoughts raced around in my head:

I know what you want, Kenny. You want me to stay. I hope you want me to
stay. I cannot always keep doing this. Giving you the benefit of the
doubt. Just one time, one time I want you to say it, be vulnerable, let
down your fort of defense. Let the words hang out in the open, for me to
take. Just say you are bothered, that you want me to stay! Show me that you
are human, that you care!!!!!

He didn't utter a sound, bopped his head back and forth and pretended to
drum his fingers in the air.

He didn't care.

I spoke, "Aight. I guess you made it pretty clear what you want...check you
later, bro."

I practically tore the hinges off the door as I stormed off, and I thought
I heard him whisper "Sorry" but it was probably me once again desperately
wishing it so.  I couldn't do this any more. I was hurt beyond words. I
wanted to shake Kenny, demand that he let down his defense for once in his
life and let people in. Let me in. Tell me how he really feels. I know he
wanted me. It was in his eyes. It was in the kiss. No, I was not being a
romantic...I know it like I know my blood is Irish. Kenny had wanted me.

Something changed for him last night after he left me in the tree-house. I
know the kiss was real. I don't doubt that.

But I was tired of always running to him, pleading with him to let me in,
pretending that it was ok when it bothered me that he shut me out. No
more. If he wanted me, he would have to come to me first. I was tired of
waiting around for Kenny. I've waited too long...

I just hoped he realized his mistakes before it was too late. Yeah
right...and pigs fly...

Actually, it doesn't matter now. Thane was waiting for me...

                                      ***