Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002 14:47:44 -0400
From: W. E. <wereallmadhere@hotmail.com>
Subject: that's life (Chapter 2) Section: college

It's me again. Hope you liked the first chapter. Write to me:
wereallmadhere@hotmail.com

First off, to save my ass, if you are under age or it is illegal for you to
be reading such "filth", please leave. This material contains crude
language (gosh!), and homosexuality (oh my!), so if you are offended, then,
yes....goodbye!

I hope I don't offend anyone with this story. It is purely fiction, all
from my own imagination as well as being inspired by many a great writers
on this site.  I do use politically incorrect terms for certain subject
matters, but I am trying to portray the thought process of the protagonist.
I do not use refined story-telling language, because I want to say it in
the voice of the protagonist.

This is not a stroke piece. (Half my readers...GONE!) It is a story of
self-discovery and the trials and tribulations of a young man dealing with
life, with the added worry about being gay. I use crude terms, not to
offend the gay population, but to mock society and how they view
homosexuals...and even how twisted it is, that the ones who feel the hate
the most, are the gay men themselves. So, I dedicate it to you all. Cheers.


CHAPTER 2

"Yo! Mofo!"

My thoughts were interrupted as I soon felt myself being punched in the
arm.  It was Kenny. "What's with the disappearing act man? Why'd you leave
like that?"

"You were busy with you fan club, didn't wanna interrupt, plus I's gotta
get to class, bro," I laughed. It didn't bother me, and I wanted to make
sure that he knew that.

"So, you just up and leave? What the hell is the matter with you lately?"
He was calm, but there was anger in his voice. I was shocked. I turned to
him. This was new, where was this coming from?

"Wha..?" I was totally confused.

"Are you having PMS or sumethin? Every time, you just throw a bitch fit and
leave. It's like you're trying to avoid me ever since we came to
University. Fuck Galen.  Tell me what's wrong, what's with you?" He looked
concerned. I didn't know what to do. I was on the brink of tears and I
didn't know why.

"I gotta get to class....bye," and I walked away. I could tell Kenny was
standing there. His stare burnt a hole right into my back. I couldn't turn
around. If I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to turn back. So, I kept on
walking, cursing myself for letting the tears slip through my
eyes. Sissy. I was a fucking sissy. My dad was right.

                                   ***

Kenny wasn't the "touchy, feely" type of person, you know, nothing was ever
a problem to him. Everything, he laughed off. He didn't talk about
"problems". Hell, he didn't have any problems. He was rich, good-looking,
had a stable home, was an only child who was the star athlete and the math
genius of our high school. Why should he have problems? I, on the other
hand, came from a family with six kids, my dad was middle class, but with
six kids to look after, my budget was tight.

I definitely had the middle-child syndrome, always lonely, deprived of
attention. Oh and support from the family? Forget it: "The fruit cake" as
my dad joked...but he didn't know the pain those jokes brought me, hitting
me like a ton of bricks, cuz I knew they were true. I didn't act swishy or
anything. But, I guess the be a "man", one has to play sports. Despite all
my dad's pursuing, I just never got into sports, the paintbrush was my only
tool. My dad couldn't understand and things have been tense in the house
ever since.  He adored Kenny as his son more than me. My three other
brothers all played sport, even the little one was in little leauge, so why
not me? I wished I could have answered that for my dad.

I prayed to every and all God when I got accepted and was finally able to
move out of the house, on student loan of course. Kenny sympathized with
me, he could have gone to a better University that offered Engineering but
he chose the one I got into.  Although he didn't tell me this, I knew, cuz
his mother told me the day we were leaving that he got accepted to the
other University while he lied to me and told me that he didn't. The
bastard! Ya, he cared....and showed it in his own subtle ways. That's what
made it so hard to let him go.

	                            ***

As I entered the class, I did a quick scan and saw him sitting in front of
his easel. Thane.  He was so beautiful. I know, that's a faggedy ass
description, but seriously, I can't find a better word. I think he inspired
the characters in Greek epics. Oookk. I think I should quit while I'm
ahead. I'm not sure, but I think I was staring at him for a bit longer than
necessary in the straight world, because all of a sudden, he turned and
held my gaze. I was so fucking embarrassed. I lowered my gaze and I know I
turned ten shades of red. I was guilty. Fuck my pale skin. I dared not to
look up and took my position in front of my easel. Lady Luck obviously felt
like having fun today because I forgot that he was directly opposite to me,
and still looking at me with a puzzled expression on his face!  Fuck! Great
Galen. Score one for LOSER! If I kept at it, maybe, just maybe, I might be
able to win the rainbow tutu and really declare myself gay to the world,
why just stop at Thane?! What the hell was I thinking? Staring at a guy
like that was not cool. Ah well.  Class began and I was soon immersed in my
drawing, until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around.

There he was: Thane. Fuck ya. He looked even better close up. His hair was
so black, it was blue, and his eyes, they were not really green. They had
specks of yellow in them: surreal. Shit! Again. I was staring! I pinched
myself under my thigh and cursed under my breath.

"Excuse me?" His voice was so deep. Hell ya!

"Wha..?" I am a scholar. Can't you tell?

"Did you say something?" He was smirking with a twinkle in his eyes. Where
do I meet all these playboys from? First Kenny, now Thane. Someone up there
was having a grand ol' time at my expense. I was sick of it.

"No, I didn't say something..why should I? You came over here. Do you need
to say something?" I was worse than a bitch on PMS. Sue me.

The twinkle vanished. The smirk vanished.

"Nah, sorry man. Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Thane. I got a lot of
respect for you. Your work is amazing. Sorry to have bothered you." Then he
was gone.

Fuck! Great Galen. Score two for LOSER! Even when things fall into my lap,
I still find a way to fuck it up. I need to change myself. Seriously. I
need to stop swearing. Fuck! I need to get the chip off my shoulder. Fuck!
I need to buck a dude...and SOON! Fuck!  Hell ya! Fuck! And I needed to
piss like a racehorse.

With that thought and only five more minutes left in the class, I gathered
my things and left, glancing one last time at Thane. A red haired chick was
talking to him and I think she was definitely invading his PERSONAL
SPACE. This was great. I bet he was straight too.

Today was too stressful. After my piss, I lit up a smoke and just walked
around campus.  It was October. The weather was cool but not too cold. The
stars were out and so was the moon. It was nice. Gave me time to just
think. I walked by a bench under a tree and decided to sit for a while, and
lit up another smoke. I wasn't usually a chain smoker, but I don't know
why, everything came to a boil today. I needed to get my shit together.
Without knowing why, I started to cry again. I didn't stop the tears now. I
couldn't. I didn't know how. I don't know how long I sat there but once my
cigarette pack was done, I headed back to Rez.

I could see from the crack underneath the door that most of the lights were
off. Kenny was probably asleep. Damn, I had been out late. My Still Life
class was a night course. It finished at 10pm but I couldn't have been out
that late. Plus, Kenny was the typical University student. Stay up and do
all nighters and sleep in. Then I remembered. Last night Kenny had been
drunk out of his mind and he probably wanted to get his strength back to be
somewhat sober for tomorrow's class. I don't know how the guy lived like
this.

As quietly as I could, I turned the door and opened it. My lamp on the
study table was on and it cast a shadow on the sleeping figure of my best
friend. He looked so peaceful. I couldn't help but stand still, hoping I
could keep time like this forever.  He must have sensed me, his eyes slowly
opened.

"At least you're alive," His voice was groggy from sleep and it was just so
fucking sexy.  "Sorry dude."  "No need to apologize, I'm not your
keeper. G'night" Well then, with that he was back asleep. Ok. I may not be
a genius, but I think he was upset. Fuck! I couldn't deal with this. First
my own personal problems and now Kenny.  And I was on PMS? Right.

I looked over at my clock. It was 1:18 am. Damn. I must have done a lot of
soul searching then. But, I didn't feel any better. If anything I was more
confused and the worst part was I didn't know what I was confused about. If
I knew the problems that I was dealing with, I could try to solve it, but I
didn't even know what was bothering me...just that SOMETHING was not
right. Sudden bursts of tears for no reason. Turning into an asshole. I
seriously don't know where all this was coming from. I took a deep breath
and just sat down at my table, wishing for a sign, something, anything to
happen.

Kenny was in la-la land. His naked chest rose and fell with each breath. He
had a smile on his face. So innocent. He reminded me of how he was before,
in our childhood. Out of whimsy, I took out my sketchbook and decided to
draw him. The starched white sheet was striking against his tanned skin and
it was barely concealing the lower part of his body. He definitely was a
sight to be seen. So, I began to draw, daring myself to not lose this
moment. I drew him as I would have liked to remember him: naked,
vulnerable, beautiful.

I drew for more than an hour and as I drew I remembered.

{Kenny dude, I miss you}

                                         ***

	I remembered when we were about 11 years old. Him always being the
first in everything, had just come back from his first "date" with a
girl. He had taken her to get ice cream and then they walked in the park. I
remembered that day so well. A red faced Kenny rushing up to my door,
dragging me by the hand so that we were in his tree-house.  Our only
sanctuary.

"Galen, she tried to kiss me!"

"What?"

"Lisa tried to kiss me and I ...I couldn't..."

"Why couldn't you?"

"I don't know how...Galen, I'm scared. What if I do it wrong and she
laughs?"

"Kenny, trust me, my brother says that kissing a girl is the best feeling,
other than fucking, and when I asked him how, he said, you just
know....when you're with that someone, dude, you just know..."

"Thanks." I saw the anxiety, worry and concern on his face. He was a child
then. He was real then. He came to me with problems then. I was a
friend. He needed me then.

                                      ***

I looked over at Kenny now, he was on his side, facing me. So angelic. So
innocent.

"Kenny, along the way, I lost you," I thought.

I now knew why I cried. I was mourning for a friendship that was dying.

I put my sketchbook away in my bottom drawer. It would NOT be cool if Kenny
found the drawing. I shuddered to think what might happen if he knew I was
drawing him, naked at that, while he slept. With that unsettling thought, I
hit the pillows, and with one last look at my best friend, I slept, and
dreamt.

Somewhere along the way my dreams turned to nightmares...nightmares where I
was alone. Thane hated me, Kenny hated me, my family hated me and someone
was shaking me...what the hell?

"Dude, wake up!"

"Wha..?" I think that should be my slogan.

"I need the stapler, where's yours?"

"Wha..?" Come on, I was still in sleep mode. I tried to open my eyes, to
see a very unfocused Kenny looking back at me. Morning stubble growing on
his handsome face.  Blue piercing eyes. Fuck! If only I could get up each
morning like this.

"Galen!"

"What?"

"S-T-A-P-L-E-R! Where the fuck is it?"

"Bottom drawer, jeez...and good morning to you too."

"Sorry bro, I just realized my assignment is due in like fucking ten
minutes and I need to hurry." I turned to see the perfect backside of Kenny
as he rummaged through my bottom drawer to find the stapler. Oh FUCK!
Bottom drawer! I was awake.

"Kenny...no, wait, it's not there...wait..." I stumbled out of my bed, but
fell. The sheets were tangled around my legs, damn uncoordinated asshole
that I am. As I tried to extract myself from the dilemma, I heard it.

"Galen, what's this?"

I stopped everything I was doing. I couldn't look up at Kenny. Time stopped
for me. My throat went dry. I knew it. With God knows what strength, I
looked up and there was Kenny, my handsome Kenny, confusion etched on his
perfect face. Holding up my sketchbook, open to the page of my drawing from
last night.

Oh fuck!