Date: Sat, 30 Nov 2002 11:47:37 -0500
From: John Windham <vindskinke@hotmail.com>
Subject: ch 5 thats with an e john windham

That's with an "E", John Windham: vindskinke@hotmail.com

Chapter Five

If this makes it to posting I have David from Nifty to
thank.  His patience and gentle tutelage is so very
appreciated.

"Lars I hate to interrupt, but what is going on?  You seemed
to slam the door and walk away. Then you return to Brandon
who is now defenseless and seemingly at your mercy.  How do
you expect us to react?  He has spent hours searching for
you, worried sick that something was wrong.  I cannot
control his life or decisions but your conduct has left a
lot to be desired and it is quite troubling.  Why should I
accept that you would be any different?"

"You over step your role I think.  My relationship with
Brandon is not something that should be your concern.  It is
between Brandon and me."

"Oh, God, Lars it's so good to see you but you are wrong.
Any friendship I might have will by definition involve John.
I would, rather could not have a relationship without him.
I thought and had assumed you understood that this man's
importance in my life is vital to me.  You mention
`meddlesome' but you do not realize that he is a vital
component of my life not some busy body intruding."

"Lars, I think that we need to come to terms with our
definitions.  You speak of my overstepping my role.  That I
am out of bounds with my concern for Brandon, I hope you
will realize that is like saying to a parent you should not
be connected to your child.  I am beginning to appreciate
the gulf that exists between our two cultures.  When I
experience the misunderstandings between you and myself it
makes it all the more painful.  Brandon is for me a gift
that was not expected at this stage in my life. Yet here he
is bringing me joy as well as comfort how can you say it is
not my concern.  You must realize that as reserved as you
Danes are we Americans are approachable.  I do not presume
to say our way is better it's just that it is different. "

"I wish you could `unbend' enough to gain some perspective
into this situation. I am frankly at a loss as to how to
ameliorate your misgivings.  Is this a cultural
misunderstanding?  I think not. It is your problem and one
that acculturation will never mitigate.  This war of
competing impulses is something that is part and parcel of
Lars Jacobsen.  Your embracing then denial of Brandon's
attention is just the latest example."

Lars's unblinking stare and neutral affect did nothing to
allay Brandon or John's doubts.  Instead the tableaux seemed
frozen with the participants unable or unwilling to make the
first move.  Looking past John, Brandon became aware of the
reflection.  This time it seemed not only to scrutinize him
but to assay the three other participants as well.  Blinking
and rubbing his eyes in no way diminished the reflection as
it had before.  He was sure that if the others would just
turn they could see it as well.  He thought to alert the
others but as in the worst of dreams he could not move,
could not talk but could only stare as it looked now
directly at him.  Tony seemed to shed invisible restraints
as he shivered from a chill that seemed to contradict the
spirited dance from the fireplace.  He steadied himself with
his hand on the chair.  Now that Brandon was released from
immobility the reflection had disappeared.  John never
altered his gaze but Lars dropped his eyes unwilling to face
a confrontation.  John accepted this unspoken submission
without the acknowledgement that might humiliate Lars.
Everyone was stiff with embarrassment unwilling to admit its
cause.

"My mother, god rest her soul, would have considered our
conduct tonight the height of unforgivable impropriety.  As
much as it goes against the grain I must agree with her.
Lars, you are a guest and my conduct has been unforgivable.
Brandon, everything I have done in the past day has not only
made your life more complicated but may actually have
damaged it as well.  Tony, you must shake yourself awake you
have mistaken concern and sympathy for something else.  Look
at me; I am decades older than you, certainly something you
do not have to settle for.  You are in your prime not only
physically beautiful but of remarkable integrity.  You will
make someone a wonderful mate. Tom would be chagrined at how
abysmally I have handled this day.  I hope you will forgive
me but I must retire to my room.  Please make yourselves
comfortable."

The three were stunned by John's departure.  They looked at
each other.  Lars stood there mute as he processed all that
had been said.  Brandon sank down onto the couch his head in
his hands.  Tony was the only one that reacted with
decision.  He slammed his fist into his palm as he angrily
paced in front of the fireplace.

"John is so damn stubborn.  I have been in love with him
since I was eleven years old.  I used to drive my folks
crazy wanting to come out here to see him. The only one that
seemed to understand and give me encouragement was Tom.
Ironic isn't it?  He would listen to my childish stories
about John and me with compassion that only now can I
appreciate. Never once as I grew older did he make me feel
guilty or discourage me.  When he was homebound by his
illness I would spend hours with him.  It was the only time
that both Papa and Mama actually allowed me to miss work
with their blessing.  Never once did they complain or
criticize me for being away.  During those wonderful hours
with Tom we discussed everything.  Nothing was off limits,
not even my love for John.  He said that my feelings were
not wrong but a blessing meant to help John after he was
gone.  Brandon you gave me quite a start when I saw you
tonite in his clothes.  It's not just the clothes but you as
well.  Hasn't John told you how much you resemble Tom?  It's
almost spooky that you look so much alike."

"He has never really talked about Tom until this weekend.
He not only has given me these wonderful clothes but let me
drive Tom's car.  I have never even seen a picture of Tom.
John certainly has not mentioned our resemblance.  He has
only shown solicitude and support in my concern about you,
Lars."

"This whole weekend has been not only extraordinary but
bizarre as well.  I really am not equipped to deal with
situations like this.  I think that John might be correct in
that it is more my problem than anyone else's.  Brandon I am
at a loss about what to say to you.  I realize I may seem
duplicitous but it is not intentional.  I have been both
wonderfully happy and utterly devastated by my reactions to
you.  I want to be close to you but I am frightened by the
consequences.  I just do not know."

"Tony, has anyone ever mentioned seeing someone that looks
like me around the house.  I mean.. oh shit, I must be
cracking up.  I have seen a figure that almost looks like my
reflection but then it seems to move on its own.  I would
almost swear it was looking at me in place of my reflection.
I have not said anything because it's all so absurd."

"Brandon look at this would you recognize this reflection if
you saw a picture of it?  The reason that I ask is obvious,
your resemblance to Tom cannot be denied and this reflection
fits a description of a younger Tom.  Here, this is a
picture Papa took years ago of them both holding me.  I
always carry it in my wallet."

Lars looked up from the picture, "it is you Brandon.  The
resemblance is breath taking, are you sure John has never
mentioned it to you?"

Brandon started trembling as he realized that the reflection
that had been watching him this weekend was Tom. Tony and
Lars watched him carefully realizing that his precarious
hold on reality was starting to disintegrate. It was obvious
that he was trying to talk but could not form the words.
They both jumped to catch him as he slowly just melted
unconsciously to the floor.  It was Tony that took over,
stretching him out on the carpet in front of the fire.  He
grabbed the afghans from the couch and chair to keep him
warm as he put pillows under his feet and legs.  All the
while he was whispering soothing phrases of encouragement.
He gently caressed his forehead to comfort and reassure
Brandon that everything was ok and would be fine.  Lars was
kneeling beside them both at a loss as to what to do but
wanting to help none-the-less.  An almost indiscernible
whimpering alerted them that he was gradually resurfacing.
Lars looked imploringly into Tony's eyes with such an
earnest plea that he grudgingly relinquished his place at
Brandon's head.  Lars gently lifted his head and cradled it
in his lap, all the while murmuring his affection and
concern.  It was this that Brandon heard and felt as he
slowly regained sentience.  This warmth was short lived as
he remembered where he was and what had just happened.  He
started shaking again when he realized that the reflection,
that Tom was bending down behind Lars watching him.  The
solicitude in those eyes could not be denied but its
presence was too much for him as he slowly succumbed to
unconsciousness going entirely limp in Lars arms.  This was
more than Lars had bargained for as he pulled him against
his chest heaving in muffled sobs.  He started to rock back
and forth holding him ever tighter in his arms.

Tony stood up trying not to sound like he was not giving
orders, "Here, you help me with him.  We will get him into
the bed under some warm covers and maybe that will help him
to relax.  Come on Lars, shape up and help me.  I can do it
by myself if I have to but it would be a lot easier if you
would at least try to be of assistance."  Tony grimly
grimaced when he heard the tone of voice he was using.

Between them they were able to get Brandon undressed and
into the bed.  They covered him carefully with the down
comforter.  Lars spoke quietly not looking at Tony, "he
should not be left alone.  I will stay with him. If you
would be so kind as to tell John what has happened and that
I am staying in here with him.  If he objects I will of
course leave.  I hope he will allow me the chance to redeem
myself.  I don't want him to be alone but the whole truth is
that I want to be with him.  I want to hold him.  I want to
protect and comfort him.  Please Tony do this for me,
please."

Without saying anything more Tony leaned over taking Lars
chin in his hand.  He tilted his face up so that he was
looking at him.  With a smile he kissed Lars on his forehead
and nodded.  Leaving the room quietly he gave Lars one last
reassuring half smile as he closed the door.  Lars squeezed
both eyes tightly shut in an attempt to slow things down and
regain some semblance of control.  He turned the radio on
and was reassured to here the shimmering optimism of
Sibelius' second symphony.  As always he meticulously folded
his clothes as he undressed, this time without any thought
of pajamas he slides under the covers.  He gently pulled
Brandon into his arms laying his head in the crook of his
arms and neck.  He continued to whisper as he tenderly
stroked his face and hair.  It was into this nest of blurry
warmth and comfort that Brandon slowly, timidly reached for
awareness.

"Lars it is you.  I was dreaming that you were holding me
and you are.  Or is this some dream within an evil dream
just to make my awakening more painful and vacant. You seem
so warm and real.  Lars is it really you?"

Without replying Lars brought their lips together in a kiss
so full of compassion and love that no words were needed.
Brandon almost seemed to be fighting as he pulled Lars into
his fierce grip.  Their bodies melded with a harmony that
left both breathless as well as seared by the intensity of
the moment.  The quartz like hardness of both seemed now to
be just another natural recognition of and for each other.
There was no doubt nor a moment's hesitation as their bodies
erupted in a simultaneous explosion of love and commitment.
Their bodies' concretion was only a symbol of the profoundly
deeper union of what some call souls and others their
spirits.  All that mattered was that for these two the
testing at least was finished.  They now belonged to each
other. Opening their eyes only long enough to smile they
kissed and quietly fell asleep in the security of their
embrace.

John was startled when his door opened but despite himself
he relaxed with a wistful smile when he recognized Tony
silhouetted in the door.  Without a word Tony closed the
door behind himself and sat in the familiar chair next to
the bed.  As he had done those many nights during and after
Tom's funeral he quietly took off his clothes the difference
being this time he took all of them off.  His young body
glistened in the moon's cool glow.  John watched captivated
not only by Tony's beauty but also his audacious
determination.  Tenderly but firmly Tony held John's face as
he slowly lowered his lips in a kiss that belied his
inexperience and youth.  Neither noticed the figure
seemingly reflected in the dormer windows.  Tom smiled in
happiness as tears of relief slipped down his cheeks.  His
image dissolved in what could only be described a blessing
as he waved in fare well. Tony knew now in his heart that
John was his.  That his patience was now being rewarded as
Tom had predicted it would be.  He smiled to himself
debating how much to tell John.  It all seemed so natural
the way they settled into each other under the cover. No
need to rush, now he was home and finally where he belonged.
He mused to himself in a silent giggle thinking of his
parent's reaction.

"John, Lars is with Brandon but said he would leave if you
did not approve.  But before you say anything please let me
tell you how natural they seemed to be when I left them
tonite.  Please, let's give him the benefit of a doubt."

"Young man you seem to be making an inordinate number of
assumptions tonight.  Tony, my sweet gentle Tony thank you.
I am so lucky to have you.  You are a most determined person
and I may be classed as a silly old fool but I am from now
on your silly old fool."

Tom was humming as well as anyone could hope to the melody
which ran thru the last act trio.  He stood by one of his
most prized treasures that was securely zippered and
protected.  He slowly tugged at the zipper as it fell from
his beloved car.  He smiled as he gently caressed its
gleaming beauty, "well old girl, I don't have to worry about
you or the boys any longer.  You will be carefully tended
with the same love and devotion that we shared."  His image
slowly dissolved as he seemed to touch the windshield one
last time.

John was returning from the road where he picked up the
morning paper and was startled when he walked thru the
garage noticing the cover off of Tom's car.  He distinctly
remembered that Brandon had carefully zippered it up as
securely as Tom always had.  He walked over checking with a
puzzled frown until he saw on the windshield outlined by the
glistening condensation "T+J=LT+J' His breath caught and his
eyes refused to focus as he stood there with a smile unable
to stop the tears.  How like his beloved Tom to bless him
with "Little Tony".


I know its saccharin; ok sickeningly sweet, but thank you
for making it to the end. If you have any suggestions or
comments please contact me: vindskinke@hotmail.com   When
David decides to post it I will have a short story "Yes,
Love is possible!" for your evaluation.  Many thanks, John
Windham