Date: Tue, 5 Jul 2016 19:59:29 -0500
From: Jonothan Wolf <jwolf24450@gmail.com>
Subject: English Year Chapter 6
**Standard disclaimer applies. This is based on actual events, although
names, places, and descriptions have changed to protect the identities of
the living. Don't read if you shouldn't because you're under 18 or live in
a backwards area. I appreciate any and all feedback, so please email me at
jwolf24450@gmail.com. Enjoy the story!
I woke up the next morning with a sense of guilt about what I had
done to Pete the night before. I kept replaying what I'd said to him over
and over in my head, trying to figure out how I'd become that kind of
guy. What had drawn me to make that sort of decision?
"Actually, Corb, that sounds about right up your alley," Hutch said
after I told them what I'd done, breaking the silence. The guys were
gathered in my room, messing with a healthier looking Mister. I could tell
all of them, including Mister, were judging me.
"It isn't," I countered.
"No, really, it is! You're a bitch," Roberto said, his
accent laden with judgment.
"Y'all don't get it, it was a reflex," I tried to
explain. "I thought he was going to go home with her last night, so I told
him what I knew."
"Wait, wait... does McKenzie really have an STD or did you
make that up?" Austin asked as Mister clawed at his hair.
"I didn't make it up," I said quickly. "Chris G. really was
treated at the health center for something venereal, and those two cheated
on each other like every other day. Come on. She has to have
something. That's not the point."
"What's the point?" Hutch asked.
"That you're an asshole," Roberto said to me, taking Mister
from Austin. My cat meowed in his face, and I was proud of her.
"The point being, I shouldn't have done that, right?"
"Of course you shouldn't have," Austin replied.
"You're an asshole," Roberto repeated. I rolled my eyes.
"I get it. I'm going to burn in hell forever. Thank you,
`Berto!"
"He probably shouldn't have done it," Hutch said even
headedly. "But we can't really blame him for liking the guy and not wanting
to see him go home with someone else. Now the real issue here, Corb, is
that he was going home with a girl. You can't stop that forever..."
"And I get that," I cut him off. "I really do. I'm just not
emotionally ready to let him do that... with her... right now."
"What do you have against McKenzie besides her being a
Chi-O?"
The truth was nothing. I was merely angry that he liked
her. It could have been any name besides hers and I would have felt the
same way... and done the same thing.
"Nothing," I answered honestly.
I knew that what I was telling them was complete
bullshit. I'd fucked up. I'd broken code. I'd cock blocked and that was a
terrible offense. I wasn't proud of my actions, but they were done, and
there was nothing I could do about it.
And as if my actions were bad relationship karma, I didn't
even get to spend any quality time with Pete once we got back to the house
last night. He passed out on my bed immediately, while I lay there and
thought about what McKenzie Sutton must have thought went wrong. I prayed
she'd never know that I had sabotaged her in the worst way possible... with
an STD rumor.
"You have to tell him you were lying," Roberto advised.
"Fuck that," I countered. "Hell no! Not an option. And I
wasn't lying... technically."
"You lied," Austin added.
"I would go with fudged the truth," I said. My head pounded
as I watched Mister play between where Austin and Roberto sat. The guys
continued to talk as I zoned out, half listening to them repeatedly call me
an asshole. Eventually, the conversation shifted to Hutch and the
stage-five clinger that Haley had become over the course of one week.
With classes set to start the next day, she had everyone
she'd ever met convinced that she was the future girlfriend of Chad
Hutchinson.
"I almost told her that I was gay last night, just so she'd
leave me alone," he told the group. "I was like, get off me woman."
"But you still fucked her?" It was amazing how judgmental
everything could sound with an Argentinian accent.
"What else was I gonna do?" Hutch defended. "She wasn't
going to let me fuck anyone else."
"I'm ashamed of both of you." Austin shook his head.
"I'm ashamed of myself," I said slowly and quietly. I
wanted them to leave so I could go back to sleep. "I just need to get over
him."
And it was true. I did need to get over him. Liking a
foreign exchange student was fine for O-Week, or until someone got
hurt. Well, O-Week was over, and someone had just gotten hurt. It was time
to cut my losses and move on.
And I was reminded just how over O-Week was as I prepared
for classes to start the next morning. As hungover as I was, there was no
rest. It was like everyone had saved their last minute meetings for
Wednesday and because of that, I was screwed. After the guys cleared out,
and I had a chance to shower, I met Alexandria for lunch to go over details
of the first issue. My head was pounding as she ran through her list of
writers, contributors, and editors. I listened as best I could while
nursing a black coffee from Ground Zero.
"We have Mary Alice and Todd on board to copy edit."
"We also have my roommate's girlfriend if we need her," I
said, trying to be helpful.
"Doesn't she edit for The Colonial?" Al's face was utter
disgust.
"It's an option in case Mary Alice and Todd need help."
"We'll file that under not an option," Al snapped. I could
tell the weight of the magazine was stressing her out, so I let it
go. "Now, who do we have taking over the Music Mix? Everyone else has
already gotten back to me."
"Someone in Sig Ep, I thought."
"Ugh... I fucking hate those indy assholes. We get
it... Bon Iver sold out. Get over it."
That's how the rest of the meeting continued until we had
names for each section of the magazine, and each person was contacted. Al
said she'd see me at the freshman activities fair from four to six, where
we'd try to drum up interest in working for the magazine and getting mommy
and daddy to subscribe.
At one, I went back to the house, ate a quick sandwich, and
walked in late to chapter. What had changed over the course of two days
since our last meeting, I couldn't tell you. I royally zoned out while
Dominic was talking, and actually think I might have achieved the rare feat
of falling asleep with my eyes open.
I took a very short nap after chapter, and woke up at
two-twenty to meet with my advisor. Even after three teeth brushings, I
could still taste gin on my breath every time I burped into my mouth.
"Are you going to apply for my intensive next semester?"
"Of course," I said. "Any idea what the timeline looks
like?"
"I'm announcing applications at the end of September, and
they'll be due by mid-October, I'm thinking. I want us to have our first
meeting right after the Thanksgiving holiday so that everyone is ready to
go come January."
The fact that I was already planning ahead to January
scared the shit out of me. It wasn't even after Labor Day yet, and I was
already stressing out. Still, it felt good to have a pretty much guaranteed
spot in the marketing intensive.
"Do you know anyone outside of the business school who'd be
good? That maybe I should start talking to?"
"You know my friend Helen, right?" I said. "She's a senior,
but she'd be awesome. Broadcast major. Really smart. Really pretty. She has
theater experience if we decide to film a commercial or something."
"I'll keep her in mind."
"And there's an exchange student that was asking me about
details," I said. "Keep him in mind too. Peter Davis. From England. He'd be
a good planner or creative, I feel."
She made a quick note. Brown and I shot the shit for a
little longer, set my four semester plan for the next two years, and then I
left.
After meeting with Brown, I went straight to the freshmen
activities fair, where impressionable youth signed their lives away to
whatever extracurricular activity had the cutest table. I hated having to
man The Founder table because the magazine had two functions that
afternoon: attracting writers and signing readers. It wasn't enough that we
had to convince every freshman to swipe home a year's subscription on their
parent's account... we also had to assess which ones looked like they had a
point of view they could jot down on paper.
I also spent time at The Fancy Ball Committee table, an
organization that got a heap of money from the school every year to put on
a glorified prom. I was all but guaranteed a committee chair seat, so I
swung by to assess the freshman talent pool with the other senior members.
My hangover boiled over in the afternoon heat as I tried to
keep it together between swigs of water which, for the first time since
stepping on campus, wasn't laced with vodka.
I went home at six and ate a quick dinner before going
upstairs and enjoying some alone time for the first time that day. I was
surprised I hadn't heard from Pete at all that day. I was getting used to
at least texting with him throughout the day, but for some reason he was
silent.
In my paranoia, I thought maybe he'd found out that what I
told him the night before was bullshit. Maybe he'd asked McKenzie and she'd
denied having an STD, or knowing Chris G. at all. It was a tall tale,
accusing someone of carrying a venereal disease, and I wasn't sure how I'd
get away with it.
I got home around seven and fought the urge to go to
bed. Instead, I got my laptop out to start on the column piece that
Alexandria expected in her inbox in less than twenty-four hours.
Deciding what to write about in my column each week was
more difficult than anyone imagined. I stared at a blank word document for
ten minutes, putting my fingers on my keypad every few seconds before
taking them off and reaching another blank.
What could I write about? What sage relationship advice did
I have to give? I was sitting there, a week into a love affair with a guy
that I couldn't have. Who was I to dole out an opinion? I was at a loss for
myself, and at a bigger loss for all of my readers.
After fifteen minutes of mulling it over, I finally went
with a simple question.
What do you do when you're into someone you can't have?
I spent the next two hours and three hundred words breaking
down the different kinds of impossible relationships. I talked about the
friend zone. I talked about being in love with a friend's ex. The article
was focused in that it dealt with forbidden loves. Impossible crushes. Guys
like Pete and Mike that were around... but were never really there. It was
broad, but it was a perfect reflection of my first week back.
I finished and sent it to Alexandria, Mary Alice, and Todd
for them to clean up. I was glad to have that over with, and even if it was
a little pedestrian for the first issue, it was done, and I was over it.
I had been invited to a couple of last minute kick-backs
that night. My friends at River Four were hosting a keg finishing party
before classes started. Instead of going out, I decided to stay in and hang
out with my pledge class. I wasn't in the best of moods, and I felt like no
one besides the guys that had to would want to deal with me.
It started off as a routine night. Austin and Roberto
dominated the Beirut table early on. I hopped on with Brian as my partner,
who wasn't with Catherine for the first time in a few days, and broke their
streak. For a while, it was just my class and a couple of the sophomores
hanging out.
At about eleven, Hutch had the bright idea to call over
some freshmen, even though the consensus had been that tonight was going to
be a brother bonding night.
"Fuck that," I spoke out, rinsing cups for my next game
with Brian. "If freshmen are coming over, I'm going out. I thought we were
all bonding tonight."
"We are bonding," Brian said. "Think of it as bonding with
current brothers as well as future brothers."
"Or leeches that are going to drink us out of house and
home and end up pledging Lambda anyway," I retorted. I shook off a solo cup
and huffed back into the game room.
By the time we got the next game set up, Hutch's work had
been accomplished. I watched as David Marcossi, Lee, and Brandon all filed
into the game room and cracked open obligatory beers.
I wasn't opposed to having freshmen there hanging out. The
reason I was pissy was because I knew our lives would revolve around
freshmen for the rest of the term. And after that semester, freshmen would
be the center of our lives during pledgeship. It wouldn't be until next
March that a day wouldn't go by that a frosh didn't come up. I just wanted
one night of peace before the semester really started.
If I'm being completely honest, I was also apprehensive
about seeing Lee. I hadn't seen him since our walk home from Amanda's the
day before. It wasn't as if I was uncomfortable around him or didn't want
to see him for any specific reason. I just wasn't sure where we stood, and
I wasn't in the mood to spend that night figuring it out. Until I was sure
what either of us wanted, I thought it might be best to keep our distance.
I managed to play it cool for most of the night. Brian and
I ran the table for a couple of hours, until he excused himself just before
midnight to go to Catherine's.
"I guess I'll head to bed too," I said as the other team
stood up to take their place. I was tired, I had class in the morning, and
it was the perfect time to hang up the ping pong balls.
"You can't dip out now," Austin chastised. "You're on a
roll. Just find another partner."
I've never been one to need much convincing to continue
drinking.
"Fine. Who doesn't have a partner?" I asked the room. I
regretted it as soon as I said it.
"Hutch went to bed, so I'm free," Lee said behind me. He
stood up before I had any time to object. Of course Hutch went to bed. It
was just my luck. I couldn't say anything once he was standing next to me,
so I reluctantly scooted over and started arranging cups.
Lee must have picked up on my snippy mood because just as
we were about to shoot the first ball, he put his hand on the small of my
back and whispered in my ear, "Are you mad at me?"
"Of course not," I replied. I wasn't pissed off at him by
any means. I wasn't pissed off at all. I was just reluctant to flirt with a
guy I knew would be walking home to one of my friends afterwards. What was
the point of engaging? And when I wasn't engaged, some would describe my
demeanor as bitchy.
"Okay, good," he whispered, leaning into me and sending his
ball shooting across the table.
By that point in the night, I'd played almost ten games of
pong, and therefore was feeling very very drunk. Austin and Roberto were
tipsy as well, but Lee seemed to be standing fine on his two feet. I air
balled my first attempt, bricked my second, and finally made a cup after
the fourth outing. By then, it was already almost over.
Austin sank a cup, putting them at three cups to go. Lee
and I still had seven.
"We're gonna lose this," I slurred.
"We can rally," Lee said. He looked down at me and gave me
an encouraging smile. I blinked slowly, turned, and shot my ball straight
into one of the other guy's cups.
"Fuck yea!" Lee shouted. Out of reflex I'm assuming, he
side hugged me and gave me a slap on the ass. I awkwardly stepped away from
him and calmed down the excitement.
"Balls back, bitches," I said to Austin.
"Oh, I'm sure they are," he said, rolling the balls back
with an unmistakable look on his face. I turned away quickly, but not
before I saw him smile to himself. He enjoyed making me squirm, I could
tell.
We both made the next two cups, pulling us within one of
the other guys.
"Okay, Corbs," Lee said encouraging me as I raised my arm
to shoot. "You've got this."
I looked at him.
"You go first." I stepped away from the table to
regroup. He shot the ball and it whizzed right in. The game was tied.
"If you make this buddy..." he cocked his eyes at me. His
voice was low and sexy, and I knew the others across the table wondered
what he'd whispered. I smiled at him beside myself, amused at how into this
game he was. I knew what he was implying, but I didn't let it phase me. It
took two to tango, and I was over his tango.
I shot the ball. It bounced off one cup and dropped into
another. We celebrated. We jumped. He hugged me.
And then we lost. Austin and Roberto both made their
cups. On balls back, they shot and made the last cup. I was too drunk to
focus during redemption, and after we both missed, Lee and I were forced to
pack.
I was really tired, still extremely hungover from the day
before, and not looking forward to dragging my ass out of bed for class the
next morning.
"Alright, assholes, goodnight," I slurred. I walked out
into the hallway, and as I closed the door behind me, it was stopped by a
large hand.
"Mind if I join you out here?" Lee asked.
"It's a free country," I replied, determined not to flirt
back with him and give him the wrong idea. Until I figured out what was
happening with him and Steph, I wasn't going to be a part of it. And until
I figured out what was going on with me and Pete, I didn't need him inside
my head.
"I'm tired, but I'm not ready to go to bed," he said. "I
thought maybe you wanted to hang out."
He cocked his head to the side and bit his bottom lip at
me. This kid couldn't be subtle if you paid him.
"I'm really sleepy," I said. "And I have class tomorrow. I
should really..."
Before I could finish saying anything, Lee reached down and
put his hands just inside of my pants. Right there, in the hallway.
"Come on... just for a little while."
It was then, after the skin to skin contact, that my male
dominance surfaced. Who could say no to that? No matter what the
circumstance, a guy willingly throws himself at you, and it's hard to
resist.
"For a little while," I slurred.
He followed me into my bedroom and as soon as the door was
closed, he pinned me to my wall and laid in a kiss. I'm usually a very
passionate guy. When it comes to making out, I can tongue wrestle with the
best of them.
But for whatever reason, that night, I wasn't totally into
it. Lee was a good kisser, if not overly enthusiastic. And he didn't waste
any time in squeezing my cock firmly through my shorts. And even though I
reacted in kind, I didn't reciprocate the way that Lee deserved me to. My
mind was in a different place, specifically on someone else, and I kept
getting flashes of Steph Doleman's disapproving face.
I pushed him back.
"I'm sorry dude. Let's call it a night," I whispered.
"Is everything okay?" he asked.
"No, everything is fine. I'm just... I dunno. I'm not
feeling it tonight," I explained. I didn't want to say anything definite
that would shut us off forever. There was a chance I'd want to hangout down
the line, when things weren't so cloudy for both of us. But that night, I
couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't feeling it at all.
"Is it `cause of that British guy that you were talking to
the other night?"
The question hit me like a slap to the face. How'd he even
remember that? How did Pete fit into this equation at all? The British guy
was the guy, if I remembered correctly. Lee was the backup guy. The backup
guy wasn't allowed to be jealous of the guy.
"No, it has nothing to do with that... him. I just... I'm
tired. I have class, and I dunno... I just..."
"Is it `cause of what I said about Steph?"
"Dude, I'm sorry. Just... next time, okay?"
"Yeah," he said, looking somewhat down. I felt sort of bad,
but if I wasn't into him like that, there was no use stringing him along
just for a blowjob. It would have been worse to hook up with him that night
and then given him the cold shoulder. He's the one that wanted to explore
his options. I was making those options fairly easy for him.
"Corbin, I don't know what I want," he turned and said to
me as I was getting ready to close my door. His face was serious and his
eyes were intense.
"Huh?" my head was blurry and I wanted to be
horizontal. The next day was going to be super long and I wasn't interested
in playing Oprah Winfrey to a guy with too many feelings.
"I just... I want to go hang out with Steph. But I want to
stay here and hang out with you. I'm just... I'm confused."
"They call that confusion bisexuality," I said, emphasizing
the last word. "It's the last stop before Gaytown. Hang out at that stop
for a while. Goodnight."
I tried to close my door again, but Lee put his strong hand
on the wood and kept it open.
"What if I never make a decision?" he asked. I was getting
annoyed by Lee and this situation. Part of me felt bad for him, sure. It
must have been tough going through what he was going through. But the other
part of me didn't want to shoulder the responsibility of stringing him
through it.
"Lee, buddy, I'm really sorry. But you can't stay here
tonight, okay? If you did, you'd wake up even more confused, and that
wouldn't be fair to you. Go home and sleep on it. You have your whole life
to make this decision, and no one is rushing you. Steph Doleman, me, some
other girl or guy... no one is rushing you, okay?"
He nodded. I was proud of myself for doing what I believed
to be the adult thing. I didn't give in to any sexual impulse. I gave the
freshman strong, solid advice, and I was pretty sure I'd opened my door for
him to trust me as a friend, even if we weren't going to be fuck buddies.
"Goodnight," he said, sounding down but not dejected.
"Goodnight," I replied. I closed the door and went to
sleep.
When Old Dominion was founded, certain traditions were
established and upheld. One of those traditions was a Chapel ceremony to
start every academic year. Although the university itself had no religious
affiliation, as a symbol of the Christian ideals that framed our nation, OD
upholds that tradition still today.
As such, the first day of school was on a ceremony
schedule, meaning morning classes started earlier to accommodate Chapel at
11.
I breezed through syllabus and policy talks in my morning
accounting and ethics courses, and then met up with Hutch, Austin, and
Roberto to walk to chapel. By the time we got there at a quarter till, the
cornerstone of campus was packed with students and faculty, all dressed in
chapel attire which forbade denim and required a jacket for men and the
equivalent for ladies.
"I don't know why we have to fucking come to this every
year," Hutch complained on our way down the hill. I felt my stomach
vibrate, as I'd skipped breakfast in order to iron my shirt instead. "The
president says the same damn thing each time."
"It's a tradition, asshole. And you don't have to come."
Austin was the first to defend the tradition. Attendance may not have been
mandatory, but most students thought it was bad luck to skip. I knew one
guy that didn't go our sophomore year, and he ended up transferring out
midway through second semester due to a `mental breakdown'.
"I'm not ending up like Andy Bittinger," Hutch countered
sulkily. We found enough seats for the four of us on the balcony level. The
floorboards creaked as we climbed the stairs to the ancient chapel. A few
minutes later, a special quartet sang `Oh, Shenandoah' to kick off the
ceremony.
As President Price made his address, declaring this year
the best of any year he's seen, I scanned the room for the who's who of Old
Dominion. Several Kappas, all dressed in Lily Pulitzer held down most of
the first few rows. It was part of their southern charm to show off their
designer dresses at church functions.
I scanned the room for Pete, but didn't catch a glimpse of
him anywhere. Instead, my eye fell on the second row across from us, on the
other side of the balcony. I spotted Amanda sitting next to Steph, and on
Steph's other side, holding her hand, was Lee.
Roberto must have caught me staring, because a minute later
he whispered: "What are you looking at, Maricon?"
He followed my eyes.
"Huh?"
"Is that your boy with Steph?"
I nodded.
"Are you okay?"
I was fine. I nodded again, convincingly. I didn't care who
Lee sat with or held closely. I was just surprised to see him there with
her, especially after last night. This is not what I had meant by `take
your time'.
"I'm just surprised, that's all," I whispered to
Roberto. "He wanted to hook up last night, and now he's super cozy with
her."
"I told you not to mess with freshmen."
"You're the one who told me to mess with him!" I snapped
under my breath. The people in our vicinity clearly heard me. I shuffled in
my seat, and focused on the ceremony.
As it ended, and the student body filed out onto the long
expansive lawn that led from the chapel to the colonnade, I tried to make a
quick getaway back to the house as to avoid running into anyone I didn't
want to see who might be holding hands with a freshman. I was still in a
foul mood, and it was only growing worse. I wasn't sure what I might say if
I was forced to stop and talk to anyone.
My luck, of course, couldn't be that good.
"Hello Mr. Crowley," Dean Watson said behind me as I turned
left onto the walkway that led back to Chi Beta.
"Hello, Dean," I turned and smiled. I offered her a hand.
"It's good to see you back this year," she said
warmly. "Can we expect some big things out of you and The Founder
Magazine?"
"Of course you can," I said.
"And everything at Chi Beta going well?"
"We're coming off a slow start because of last year, but we
plan to bounce back responsibly," I answered diplomatically. Now was not
the time to schmooze it up with the Dean. Now was the time to get out of
dodge. "In fact, I was going to try and set up a meeting with the new Dean
of Greek Life, if maybe you can assist me with that."
"Of course. I'll give his office a call this
afternoon. It's good to see you, Corbin, and I look forward to maybe
catching some tennis with you this year. My husband is looking forward to
it as well."
"Good to see you too, Dean," I said. I shook her hand
again, and turned. I hoped to get far enough away from Chapel before anyone
else stopped and recognized me.
"Hey Corb," the voice was familiar. I turned slowly and
came face to face with Steph, Amanda, and Lee. I smiled warmly.
"Hey guys, didn't see you there," I said. "How was the
first day?"
"We're only halfway through," Steph answered. "I have back
to back English classes this afternoon."
"I hate that for you," I said, trying not to be
awkward. "But I really have to get back to the house. I have a meeting for
the Founder in an hour and I haven't napped or eaten yet, so..."
I turned to make my escape. I heard Lee say something to
the girls about having a question about rush. A second later, his hand
landed on my shoulder.
"Can we talk?" he asked. I stopped walking, turned to him,
and raised my eyebrows.
"Sure," I said evenly.
"I talked to Steph last night," he said nonchalantly.
"Of course you did," I squinted. I marveled at how quickly
this kid moved. Classic freshman behavior... there was no such thing as a
tomorrow in their world.
"I just want to make sure that you and I are cool, you
know? Put everything from O-week behind us."
"Okay," I forced a smile.
"Okay," he said. "Are we cool?"
"We're cool," I assured with wide eyes, trying my best to,
in fact, be cool.
"You sound a little upset."
"I'm not upset at all-"
"Look, last night, you're the one who..."
"-But I am a little surprised in light of last night that
you already have a girlfriend," I continued, not giving him a chance
edgewise. "This is not what I meant when I told you to sleep it over."
"You gave me that little speech yesterday, and I think
you're right," he said. "I just want to make sure I give all of my options
a proper chance."
"And that's totally fine, Lee, it really is," I said
earnestly.
"Okay, perfect," he replied. "So I can count on you not to
say anything about us this past week?" I suddenly saw red. That's the
moment I snapped on the freshman Lee. Who the fuck did he think I was? Some
blabber mouth that would go broadcasting to one of my good friends that I'd
sucked her boyfriend's cock. For the love of God, every time we'd talked
about it, it was him who had brought it up.
I had grown extremely annoyed. Whereas, I would have walked
away and let it all go, filed Lee under O-Week mistakes, at that point, I
was verging on upset.
"Lee, what exactly do you think I plan on doing?"
"Nothing," he replied quickly. "It's just, I dunno... I
don't want anything negative about me to get around."
"Listen here, kiddo," I said, taking a step towards
him. "Hooking up with me isn't something negative, so get over yourself. If
you want to date Steph, then do it. You'll have no problems from me. But
trust me when I say that things like this tend to get out, especially when
you drunkenly try to push your way into my bedroom at night. And when they
do inevitably get out, I tend to look out for yours truly. So your secret
is as safe with me as it can be, but the second your new girlfriend finds
out that you're a dirty cocksucker, you're on your own. Capiche?"
"Corbin, I-"
"No, no... that's it. Now give me a handshake and get back
to your girlfriend."
Lee shook my hand. I could tell he was nervous. He should
have been. If he was so worried about Steph finding out about us, why was
he making such a big deal about it. I was annoyed at him for following me
out anyway, for forcing my hand, and for goading me into getting
aggressive. This could have been buried and gone with no one getting hurt,
but he insisted on drawing it out.
As I walked home, I weighed whether or not hooking up with
Lee had been worth it. I'd done it to get Pete off my mind, but he was
clearly still very much in there. I couldn't shake Pete no matter how I
tried, and now I had a freshman psychopath to deal with as retribution.
Looking back, part of me wished I could take that hookup
with Lee back altogether. It wasn't worth it, I decided. And it was
starting to seem like more trouble than it was worth.
I went through the motions for the rest of the day,
purposefully avoiding any conversations with people. Over the course of two
years, I had mastered the Bitch Face that repelled most level headed people
from approaching.
By the time I was done with class at four, I was beat. I
took a long nap and woke up to the guys sitting around, tossing a ball in
the great hall.
"Hey there, sleepy," Hutch said as I groggily made my way
down the stairs.
"Hey dopey," I answered. I sat down on the ground between
the four of them, and got ready to hear the shots.
"So you peaced out of the Chapel today. What was the deal?"
`Roberto asked, holding an apple and taking obnoxious bites.
"Nothing, I just didn't feel like seeing anyone."
"You ran out of there like you owed someone money," Brian
chimed in with his two cents.
I shrugged.
"It's `cause the frosh is dating Steph Dole," Roberto said.
"Ohh..." came from Austin.
"That makes total sense now," Hutch said.
"That's not why I left so quickly."
"Really? It isn't?" Roberto said. I forgot that he'd been
sitting next to me when I noticed Steph and Lee together to begin with.
"No it isn't."
"Wait," Hutch asked. "Are you jealous?"
"Hell no, I'm not jealous," I croaked.
"It sort of seems like you're jealous," Austin chimed in.
"It's okay to be jealous," Roberto chewed.
"I'm not jealous," I said. "I could care less who he
dates. It's just, he came into my room last night and wanted to smash, and
then all of a sudden, twelve hours later, he's dating Steph Doleman? It
doesn't add up."
"Classic jealous," Hutch said, throwing the ball across the
room at Brian.
"I'm not jealous. I just don't get it. And when I don't get
things, it aggravates me."
"Why are you even still hooking up with him?" Roberto
asked. "I thought you really liked the Brit."
"I do like the Brit," I started. I stopped
short. "Wait. Wait a second. Aren't you the one who told me to hook up with
Lee in the first place? I think your exact words were `you can't chase a
British guy forever.'"
"Those were my words. But that's before I realized how much
you liked the Brit. I thought he was another crush of the week, but
apparently he's not."
"Oh? So that changes things?"
"It changes everything," Brian said reasonably.
"Explain. Please."
"If you were merely crushing on the Brit, then a palette
cleanse could work. You hook up with someone else and those crushing
feelings don't seem so intense anymore. But since you actually like the
Brit, as we've come to discover, a palette cleanse will only make you feel
like shit."
It sounded reasonable, and as I digested what he was saying
it, I took it down and bought it. Maybe I was acting sour towards Lee
because I was pissed off my plan to forget about Pete hadn't worked. Maybe
I was upset that I'd lowered myself to sleep with Lee and to no avail.
I shook my head. It wasn't just that.
"That doesn't explain why Lee is suddenly dating Steph."
"I don't have the answer to that one," Brian said, tossing
the ball to Roberto.
"Y'all are useless," I said, standing up. I was tired,
cranky, and hungry, and I headed downstairs to the kitchen to fix one of
those ailments. "I'm glad my lack of a love life is so amusing to you
assholes."
I went through the same routine the next day, waking up and
going to class, half listening to each professor's grading rubric and
expectations, and mulling through the day. I wasn't until Friday afternoon,
when I poured myself a five o'clock somewhere that I got to sit back and
reflect on a long week.
So much had happened, and yet I had very little to show for
it. I'd fallen for a British exchange student, and I'd fallen hard. I
wanted him. And I'd lowered myself so low because I couldn't have him. I
had lied about poor innocent slutty McKenzie Sutton. I had slept with a
frosh. I had stopped eating carbs.
And yet he wasn't any bit closer to liking me as more than
just a friend. I decided while I nursed my cocktail through a shower and
getting dressed that I needed to hang out with him as friends, and really
just be his friend. I needed to be his wingman, his support system, a guy
he could trust. I could do the friend thing with him, now that I was fully
aware that he would never want me.
And so I called him.
"Hey, killer, what are you up to?"
"Just lazing around," he answered. "And yourself?"
"Feeding my cat. Just showered."
"Oh yeah?" he asked. I could almost picture him with his
eyebrows raised, wondering if I was still in a towel.
"Yessir. Are you going out tonight?"
"Yeah," he answered. "There's a party at Amanda's, I
thought I'd go hang out."
"Oh, that'll be fun," I said, leaving the door open for an
invitation.
"Yeah, I think so. She's pretty adamant about me going." I
narrowed my eyes and wondered why.
"Did she say why?" I asked.
"I don't know. Probably to show me off to some of her
friends," he joked. I didn't laugh. He was probably right. It was right up
Amanda's ally to parade a guy she liked around her friends. Better yet, if
she didn't like him, she was probably trying to set him up with a stupid
fucking Pi Beta Phi. I felt myself verge towards the angry Corbin I'd been
the other night, and I checked myself before I got there.
"Well you should go and be paraded," I said,
matter-of-factly. I could have won a fucking Oscar at how cool I was
playing it.
"What are you going to do?" Play it cool, play it cool. I
could tell him I was going to Amanda's too, even though I had no such
intension. I could make up some fantastic plan of action to make my night
sound glam and fun. Or I could play it cool.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" I asked instead of answering
his question. It was the best I could do.
"As in..."
"To tailgate? For the football game?"
"Oh... um. I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to be going to
a cocktail party at halftime. I didn't know we were drinking before the
game as well."
"Yeah," I said. "It's tradition to go to a tailgate before
the game, and then to a cocktail party at one of the sororities during half
time. If you make it through the game sober, you've lost. We should
tailgate tomorrow morning."
"Alright then. If I don't see you tonight, I'll see you
then."
I hung up with a sigh. I lay back on my bed and stroked
Mister as I thought about what to do that night. I didn't want to go to
Amanda's because I knew he'd be there and it would look like I just went to
see him... Plus Lee and Steph would be there, canoodling and holding hands,
and I wasn't prepared to vomit.
I didn't want to stay home because I knew, eventually, everyone at
Amanda's would come to Chi Beta. I would face the same issue, plus they
would all think I was lame for staying in.
I wasn't really in the mood to go out, as there was no one I was
interested in seeing much. I could have gotten lost at a party in town or
out in the country, but that would have required a ton of energy and even
more alcohol.
I was over everyone at OD and so I did what I always did
when I was over Old Dominion.
"Hey Mikey," I said into my phone. "What are you doing
tonight?"
"Nothing, man. Just chilling at my friend John's
house. Playing my guitar."
"Sounds hot," I said as flirtatiously as possible.
"It is hot," he said. "That's why I'm just in my boxers."
"Woof," I replied. "Your friend John doesn't mind you
running around in just your boxers?"
"Naw, John's cool. And John has watch duty today anyway."
"When are you going back to the barracks?"
"I move in Sunday," he replied. He paused, waiting for me
to answer. I didn't say anything. Instead, I was waiting for the
invitation. When it didn't come, I pressed on.
"I want to see you."
"Oh yeah," he said. Was he determined to make me beg him to
see me? He was my only hope of having a somewhat enjoyable night, so I
wasn't afraid to look pushy.
"Yeah," I offered shortly. I sprawled out on my bed,
already getting turned on just from talking to him.
"You want to hang out at your place?"
"I'd prefer not to. You said your friend John is on watch,
right?"
"Yeah."
"Until when?"
"Five a.m. It's a twelve hour shift."
"Well then there we go," I said. "There's a lot we can
accomplish before five a.m."
I heard a discordant note play on the guitar.
"I can come pick you up, I guess," he said. "But then I'd
have to bring you back."
I sighed. "Okay. If you don't want to, that's fine."
"I want to, Corbin, trust me. I haven't seen you in
forever."
"Alright then, get in your little Jeep and come get me," I
said. There wasn't another option laid out there. If he wanted to see me,
he would. I'd put my cards out on the table, and now it was time for Mike
the Cadet to play his hand.
"Okay. I'll leave Lexington after a quick shower. I'll be
there in thirty," he said.
Half an hour and one shower later, I crept down our fire
escape, and hopped into Mike's Grand Cherokee without telling anyone where
I was going.
"So what do I owe this pleasure to?" he asked as he sped
down the freeway towards the little town on the Appalachian Trail.
"What do you do mean?"
"I mean, you're just calling me out of nowhere," he
said. "You usually get really pissed when I don't call you first."
"I don't get pissed," I defended.
"You do."
"If you know I get pissed, then why don't you call me?" I
asked, intending it to be a joke. I could tell by his face that he felt
somewhat guilty. I knew our relationship was complicated, and the last
thing either of us needed was to feel bad about it.
"How was your summer?" I asked quickly, changing the
subject.
"It was good. I told you about my dad and the Porsche,
right?"
"Yeah. That's pretty cool."
"Yeah. If I graduate, it's mine."
"Are you set to graduate this year?"
"Hopefully," he said. "Although, I've been talking to my
wrestling coach. He thinks if I stay on another year and use my last year
of eligibility, I could go really far in the NCAA tournament."
"You'd go to school for a fifth year just so you can
compete?"
"Yeah," he said, as if I was being totally ridiculous. I
wasn't. He couldn't wrestle somewhere else? And since when was rolling
around an actual NCAA sport? I was baffled.
We small talked the rest of the way to John's apartment
just outside of Lexington proper. It was in a subdivision I didn't remember
being there last time I'd come down to see Mike.
"This is a nice place," I said, looking around the
efficiency. It was sparsely decorated, but impeccably neat. I guess the
habits of living in the barracks died hard for guys like Mike and John. "Is
he gonna care that we..."
"That we what?" Mike asked. I always waited until it was
painfully obvious what he wanted before I did anything. There were times
when Mike and I would go into it seamlessly. We'd do whatever. He'd try
different things on me. He'd push his boundaries. Then there were times
when all he wanted to do was talk and anytime I tried to touch him, he'd
shift aside.
I stood there just inside his friend's doorway and put a
hand on his stomach.
"Hard isn't it?" he smiled.
"Very. Sexy," I whispered. I lifted his shirt up, and as my
hand made contact with his abs, I felt him gasp in for breath. I slowly
lowered myself onto my knees and kissed his stomach. I looked up at him to
gauge his reaction. He closed his eyes, and I went a bit lower.
I traced my way to the top ridge of his running shorts and
lowered them slowly. I felt Mike tense up, but not in a skittish way like
he did sometimes. It was in a sexy way.
"I've missed you, Corb," he whispered. As soon as he said
it, I pulled his shorts down aggressively, and dove in.
Mike's body was to die for, I can't lie. It made up for his
pedestrian face, and his very normal endowment. I wasn't a size queen by
any measure, and so I happily took what Mike had to offer and sucked it
down.
For a guy like Mike, dominance is everything. He enjoyed
making me feel like sucking his dick was a favor to me. I enjoyed it, don't
get me wrong, but having to suck someone who barely reacted wasn't my
favorite.
And so I worked hard to elicit a reaction. Kneeling there,
as Mike stood above me, I sucked him in deeply, going to town on the knob
at the top of his cock. I counted two involuntary moans before Mike really
took to my mouth, and started fucking my face like a pro.
I was ready for him to come long before he actually did. I
pulled on his balls, and sucked in deep and hard on his cock. Every time I
felt him near the edge, I'd redouble my efforts, but Mike would pull back,
breath in, and bring himself back down.
On the fourth time, I decided I wouldn't let him do
that. With Mike sitting now, holding onto my ears and pounding up and down
like my face was an American pie, I pushed all the way down on his cock and
kept my head there. I sucked in as hard as my sore jaw would allow. I felt
Mike try to pull me off, but I didn't let him. My mouth was a hoover
fucking dam, and I stayed on to catch all of the spillage.
It was an unspoken rule that had been there between us
since the first time Mike loosened up and let me suck his cock. The sight
of cum was unacceptable. If you sucked Mike the Cadet, you swallowed Mike
the Cadet. And so I did. And I didn't mind it.
I rinsed my mouth out and joined Mike on his friend John's
couch, lying behind him and stroking his shoulders. He'd already pulled his
guitar out and was plucking away at chords I was sure didn't exist.
"So what's new with you, kiddo?" Mike asked, sounding
genuinely interested. I wasn't sure if Mike knew how close I felt to him in
those moments, but if he didn't he was an idiot.
"Not much," I replied. "Just O-Week. Getting ready for
school."
"Another busy year for you?" he asked. It was a real
question, because Mike was a real guy. He knew how involved I was, and how
overwhelming things became, mostly because I only contacted him when things
were particularly overwhelming.
"It looks like it might be," I replied. "But we'll see."
"You're ready for it," he said. He flexed, and relaxed into
me. I felt my pelvis rub up against his back as he stretched, and for a
second, my cock got harder than it already was.
"Any catches on the love pipeline?" he asked.
"Why are you asking me that?"
"I dunno. Just curious. Are there any guys that deserve
your attention?"
I knew it wasn't a malicious question. Mike didn't have a
jealous bone in his body, probably because he knew that he had me whenever
he wanted me.
"I don't know," I answered.
"That means there is someone."
"Not really. I mean, there's someone that I like, I guess."
"Oh yeah? Is he cute?" he didn't sound threatened at all.
"He's English. And cute. Really cute."
"Ouch."
"You wanted to know," I answered, not taking his jealousy
seriously. A guy like Mike didn't get jealous, and that was one of his
charms. He knew I'd be back eventually, so he never chased me. He never had
to. "He's not as cute as you."
"Liar," Mike said flippantly. "If he's so cute, why are you
here with me instead of with him?"
"Because... he doesn't realize he likes me yet," I joked.
"Oh, confident."
"It worked with you, buddy. It took you a year and a half
to realize you liked me."
"Who said I do?"
"Rude," I said, hitting him across the shoulder.
"If he doesn't like you, he's an idiot. I've told you a
million times I would never be like this with anyone else." And it was
true. I'd heard it out of Mike's mouth more times than I could count. He
constantly reminded me that I was an exception to a very straight rule. The
only thing was, I couldn't figure out why. Was it because I had liked Mike
enough to wear him down? Had my persistence been a turn on? Or did my
confidence make him curious? If I could figure out what it was that drew in
the Cadet, I might be able to use that skill to finagle the Brit.
"Either he's the idiot, or I am," I said softly. Mike
leaned back and rested his head on my lap. He looked up at me with big
eyes.
"He's the idiot, Killer. Trust me."
A second later, he sprang up, pulled his shorts back on and
grabbed his ball cap and keys.
"You ready to go back to campus?" he asked as if the taste
of his semen wasn't still on my mouth.
It was like that with Mike. There was a complete contrast
with him sometimes. He was either really sensitive, supportive, and
tender. Or he was distant, as if we weren't really that close at all. It
confused the daylights out of me, and it was why I was starting to keep him
at arm's length.
Still, Mike was the perfect release when I needed to get
off the cobblestone steps of Old Dominion. He was a good break for me, if
nothing more. I had to physically remind myself, however, that that was all
he was and nothing more. I couldn't let myself dip too far into a guy like
Mike because I knew what was waiting for me at the bottom...
"Mike, are you gonna get married one day? To a chick?" I
asked as we rounded the big hills of the Appalachian Trail.
"What do you mean?"
"Like, even after doing all of this with me and what you
know about yourself... do you still think you'll marry a girl?"
"Yeah," he replied without hesitation.
"Why is that?"
He took a second to look at me before he answered.
"Not everyone is like you, Corbin. Some of us are... we
aren't... we didn't grow up sure, okay? Just because I let myself go for
you doesn't mean that's what I want for my life."
"I get that, but won't you always find something lacking?"
"What do you mean?"
"Missing. Won't something always be missing?"
"I don't think so. I've always imagined myself settling
down with a beautiful wife with blonde hair and huge tits. Kids. A yard in
the suburbs with a fence that gets painted every year and grass that gets
mowed every Sunday. I want pool parties and a big TV to watch the Superbowl
with my buddies. I just... I don't see that all happening if I end up with
a dude, you know?"
I didn't answer. I didn't know how to. It made perfect
sense. Just because I liked Mike, or Pete for that matter, didn't mean I
could force them to choose a life I'd chosen. I didn't for one second
believe that that being gay was a choice. That would be absurd. But what
was a choice was choosing what to do with it. I didn't agree with what Mike
had chosen, but I had to respect it. I had no choice.
And when I got back to campus, safely tucked away in my bed
with my cat, I couldn't help but wonder if that was Pete's dilemma as
well. Was he afraid to act on his instincts, simply because he dreamed of a
big TV and picket fence?
Fuck picket fences, I thought as I fell asleep. A picket
fence can't keep me warm at night.
As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated. Email me at
jwolf24450@gmail.com. Thanks!