Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 07:01:15 -0800 (PST)
From: Willie Hewes <williehewes@yahoo.com>
Subject: The learning years

Hereby part 1 and 2 of "The Learning Years", my weekly
soap on Eduard Barken's first year at the Leiden
University. (Leiden is a city in Holland and is
pronounced "lighten", with a D)
   I hope you like it, I hope you'll come and read
more of my stories on my homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/willie_hewes , and I hope you
will write to me any and all comments you'd like to
make: williehewes@yahoo.com.


The learning years

"I really should warn you about one thing, though."
     "What?"
     "I'll break your heart." He looked very serious, almost sad. I asked
him what he meant.
     "I mean, if you're... if we will... I like you."
     "Yeah, we've been through that, you like me, and I like you."
     "And if it stays that way long enough, I'll break your heart. I don't
know how, It doesn't necessarily mean I'll fool around or anything, I just
know that I'll break your heart. It's like a jinx, a curse. And it's more
likely to be sooner than later."
     He put his hand up into his sleek, blonde hair and pulled it in front
of his eyes. I stared at him, dumbstruck. What could he possibly be trying
to say? Was this some lame way of saying he didn't want me after all? Just
my luck...
     "You don't have to be startled, I just thought it was fair to warn
you. I'm cursed. Everyone I ah... go out with, I end up breaking their
hearts."

I tried to think of something to say. It all sounded like some kind of
sick joke, but he sure looked very serious. Could he really believe he was
cursed? If so, he was weirder than I thought.
"It's ok," I stammered finally, "I'll, I'll take the risk." I laughed at
this stupid situation. But he brightened up immediately. With a big smile
on his face, he said: "Good! I'll see you tomorrow night then, jah?"
     "Yeah." I was completely surprised. He planted a kiss on my cheek and
turned around before I could recover. With large, swift steps he walked
down the avenue. His long leather coat waved after him like a vampire's
cape.

     For many reasons, he was the most interesting person I had met all
week. But at that moment, I just wondered if I would ever see him again.

                                   ***

We met on Thursday. The night the Venga Boys played at Quintus. The
introduction week of the Leiden University was so crammed full with
activities, that by Thursday the very idea of attending a Vega Boys
concert, packed stiff against a bouncing, beer-sprinkled crowd made me
sick to my stomach. I told my mentor I didn't feel so good, and was going
to bed early. After a short speech on social behaviour and group spirit he
let me go. Thank God. I had been waiting for a little break in the program
all week.

     The Leiden University Intro Week, which was for some reason
abbreviated to ELCID, was supposed to be a week of fun; "get to know all
the cool pubs and clubs in town, the frat houses, and of course your
fellow students!" but it sure wore me out. Our ever-happy mentor dragged
us from one end of town to the other, club life seemed hardly my cup of
tea and my fellow students were mainly annoying. At night, we were
expected to sleep on the floor in a large empty building where the lights
never went out before the sun was up. One of the girls in my group fancied
me, and she never missed an opportunity to make that known as loudly and
annoyingly as possible. I would never have to see her again once this week
was over, but for the moment I was stuck with her, and the others in my
group. You understand I was glad to get away from this for a moment. And I
knew where I wanted to go.

     Among all the useless free junk the studentlings got on Monday, there
was a leaflet from COC, the Dutch gay-rights organisation. I think I
blushed when I discovered it, and I quickly slipped it into the free issue
of Elsevier magazine. (Comparable to Time). That night, lying in my
sleeping-bag ignored by everybody, I read it from beginning to end, and
memorised their program for the ELCID week, determined to find a way to
leave my mentor-group and go there on my own. Apparently they had a little
cinema here, on Tuesday they played "Jeffrey", and "Interview with a
Vampire" on Thursday. On Thursday, when I finally got away from the group
pressure and nervously waked down to the small club. On Thursday when I
met Him.

                                ***

As I walked from the COC to the "dormitory", my head was spinning with
thoughts of Charlie. He had come to see the film as well, although he had
already seen it before, and afterwards, he talked to me. He even bought me
a drink.

     Charlie told me he was a student too, biology second year. He often
came here, and said I should see the place on a Friday or Saturday, when
everyone was there and having fun. What Charlie didn't tell me was that he
had made his coming out a while ago, and he had has his share of Fastlove,
that he was single and very much interested in tasty freshmen boys. He
didn't have to tell me. It was perfectly obvious.

     It was August, but the night was cold, and I didn't have a coat. For
the thousandth time, I wished I had my bicycle here. I wondered if Charlie
would be home yet, and what he was doing. He shared a home with four
others, he said. Would he tell them where he had been, and who he had met?
Or was our encounter business as usual for him? Would he go to bed, and
pause in front of them mirror as he was undressing? Would he smile at how
stunning he looked in his black leather coat, his thick-rimmed glasses
that made him look so intellectual? Was there a wide, muscled chest under
his NOFX T-shirt, or would he frown on a little lovehandle? I was growing
hard. Would he be thinking of me? He did say he liked me...

     I imagined him, stripping down his trousers in from of the mirror,
admiring his own strong, slightly hairy legs. There was a very obvious
bulge in his underwear, and he squeezed it... He stripped completely naked
now, and aimed his weapon smiling at his own reflection. His full lips
parted slightly as he started to stroke himself. His pink, wet tongue
darted out, and he licked his lips...

     I was now only a block away from the dormitory, and in desperate need
of some privacy. Once inside, I needn't think about finding a quiet place.
I looked around. There was no one here. Would I dare to take such a risk?
Before I had time to think about that, I had already hid myself in a dark
corner of an alley. Leaning against the brick wall, I zipped open my
trousers and started to jack nice and slow. I imagined he was here with me
in this alley, pushing me against the bricks, putting his knee between my
legs, kissing me hard. My eyes fixed on the narrow ribbon or stars
overhead; I began to come, as secretly and silently as I could. And
believe it or not, but that night I slept as soundly as ever in my own
bed.


Part 2

Friday was not such a bad day to be alive. For the first time that
week, it was actually sunny. We were served an early breakfast in the
cafeteria of the Languages Department. My group complained about my not
being at the Venga Boys concert, but I hardly paid any attention to it.
I was thinking about that night. Perhaps Charlie would invite me to his
place. Perhaps I would finally...

     I was distracted, the others were talking about the pub-crawl and
that was scheduled that night, that would end in disco IN CASA. I
decided I would just pretend I was going along, and simply lose sight
of the rest of the group somewhere. Who even cares. As of tomorrow, I
would be free from these people. Only half of them would even be
following the same courses.

In the early afternoon, we got stranded in the Van der Werf-park. On
the little improvised stage a group of students was trying to engage
the audience in some kind of experimental theatre. I was lying on my
back in the grass, and would have been perfectly happy, if Tish would
have left me alone. As I told you last week, she had an eye on me, and
now, on our "last day together", as she put it, she thought it was
necessary to have a talk. Same old story, I told her I wasn't
interested, she took it personally. Too tedious to tell, really. I
should skip to the fun bits.

                         ***

About twenty minutes after I had given my fellow introductees the slip
- in a rather inelegant way - I entered the COC bar. They had emptied
the little theatre room, and it opened up to the rest of the bar. I was
surprised to see how big the place was. There was no one here yet,
almost. Three lesbians were standing in a corner. I asked the woman
behind the bar if I was too early.
     "You're a bit early, but don't worry, there'll be more people here
soon. In an hour, the place will be crammed."

She introduced herself, and the other two people behind the bar, and
made small talk with me, for which I was grateful. I hate having no one
to talk to.

     It didn't take long before there were more people to talk to. Like
last night, they were really all sorts of people. Men, women, young and
old, some wonderful pieces of extravagance, others looking like your
typical neighbour. After a while, I thought all these people could not
have more than one thing in common.

     A Turkish or Moroccan boy came in wearing a pair of sunglasses. He
took them off once inside, and looked around if there was anyone he
knew. I smiled at his secrecy. Thinking I smiled at him, he smiled
back. Should I go and talk to him? Well, never mind.

     Later, I was talking to a boy my age, with a pierced tongue and a
ring through his eyebrow. He asked if he would buy me a drink.
     "You really shouldn't waste your drinks on me," I told him. "I'm
waiting for someone else."
     "The best ones are always taken," he sighed.
     "Well, I'm not really taken," I said hastily, ignoring the
compliment, "I just met someone here yesterday, and..."
     He asked who it was. "Maybe I know him." I told him his name was
Charlie and he smiled a bit smugly at me.
     "Oh, you're one of Charlie's, are you? Better watch yourself,
he'll break your heart." Before I could think of an answer, he had
moved away. *One of Charlie's?* What? Feeling a bit upset, I ordered
another cola.

                      ***

Finally, when it was too crowded to keep an eye on the door all the
time, Charlie came in. He saw me before I saw him, came up to me and
greeted: "Hey, closet-boy! Glad you could make it!"
      "Hey, I said I'd be here..."

     Strangely, I didn't really feel more comfortable now that he was
here. The place was crammed by now, like the bar-woman had told me. I
hate being in a crowd. Charlie was worth it, though. He was so cute...
The music was so loud we had to shout in each other's ear. I loved
being so close to him. I think he kept his voice down on purpose, so I
would pull him closer.

     Charlie dragged me away from the bar and we danced, although there
was barely any room to move. I was asthmatic as a child, and was
beginning to feel a bit stifled, but I was still doing ok. Still. But
then, when a large group of students came in the door, already drunk, I
suddenly didn't feel so good anymore. I had lost sight of Charlie, and
couldn't find him anywhere. Someone spilled beer on my shirt. I
panicked. It's hard to explain what happened, but I suddenly got warm
all over, couldn't think clearly anymore, and I just HAD to get out of
there. I made for the doors, certain that if I stayed, I would get
hysterical, or faint, or *something*. Something like that happened a
couple of times before, I remember I once got stuck on a little train
station between Leiden and The Hague, because I had to get out of the
overcrowded train. I stood on the quay for half an hour, waiting for a
train that wasn't so crowded, and in the end I took a train back home.

                                  ***

The COC is in a broad, empty lane called the Langegracht. Further down
is the police station; across the street is a bleak factory with dirty
windows and a chimney as high as a church tower. The street was
deserted. I took a deep breath and stood still, hugging myself. The
fresh air felt good in my lungs. Maybe Charlie would be angry I left
him like that, but I couldn't go back in yet. Maybe in a moment. Maybe
not at all. Maybe I should just go and forget about the whole thing.
Yeah, that's right. Run away, like you've always done. No, I would stay
here for just a moment, then I'd go back in. Cars drove by. The wind
carried a faint smell, something chemical. I would stay here, just for
a moment. Just a moment.