Date: Tue, 3 Feb 2009 22:06:16 -0700
From: Xan Edwards <xan.edwards2009@gmail.com>
Subject: the start of ryan, part 2

Disclaimer: Please don't use my writing and claim it to be yours, that is
just mean. Also, If you are from a place where reading this is illegal,
where the heck are you from?? Well if it is illegal for you then I don't
know how you made it this far into the sight but let me tell you that it
might be wise to leave...shoo... I think that I've covered that so on to
the story...

The Start of Ryan, Part 2:


"You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
When you take my breath away
Would you take me in take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this..."


This person. I had been his everything. I...had. Now I had screwed it all up.

<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

My parents had just left, my mom trying to hold back tears as she said
goodbye to me. Of course she wasn't horribly successful at it. After the
car had pulled out of the parking lot I turned and headed back inside.

The brick dorm building looked like many others. In fact, there really was
nothing entirely special about it except for the bits of moss that covered
the building. Of course there was moss; this is Bellingham, one of the
wettest places in the country no doubt. And I LOVED it. I had always loved
the rain; perpetual dampness was one of the reasons that the Pacific
Northwest was my absolute favorite place in the world.

People were everywhere in the building; parents, kids, even some younger
siblings. I could barely make it to my room as I was nearly knocked down by
at least three fellow freshmen, two moms and four dads carrying loads of
stuff. Stereos, microwaves, suitcases, even the random desktop computer or
two all posed as hazards as I bobbed and weaved my way through the maze. I
had almost made it successfully too when, as I reached for the doorknob to
my room, I was knocked right off my feet and onto my butt. Dazed, I looked
up to see a large stack of books and clothes. Somewhere in there must be a
person, I thought.

"Oh, sorry dude, I didn't see you there. You okay." The stranger set down
his pile of stuff and extended his hand to help me up. It took it and
popped up as he helped pull.

"That's...uh...fine. Are you Tom?" I asked realizing that he was reaching
to open my door.

"Yeah...you must be Ryan, right?"

"That is definitely me." I replied already feeling wary as I examined him
and his stuff. He was tall, and very muscular. He must be an athlete, I
thought to myself. Yay a jock, my favorite type of person, I thought
sarcastically. Isn't college fun? You get to room with a complete stranger
that you may have nothing in common with as, I thought, would probably be
the case with Tom whose stuff seemed to consist of athlete posters, old
Sports Illustrated issues and a bunch of track suits. This would be
interesting.

<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

My first week had been relatively easy. I didn't have any classes at all,
just orientations, club fairs, freshmen activities, etc. It seemed there
was always something to do.

The first person that I really clicked with was Megan. She lived in my dorm
building on the same floor and we managed to bump into each other at some
of the freshmen events. I don't know what it was, but we seemed to click
with each other from the very start and started hanging out a lot. We had a
lot in common. Both of us were from out of town, we were both taking the
same choir and vocal performance class, we both loved to ski, we shared the
same passion for coffee and neither of us had any clue as to what we were
majoring in. It was nice, to have someone to hang out with when it felt
like you were surrounded by strangers.

Tom was not the guy I was going to be hanging out with. That was a
fact. It's not that he wasn't nice; he was, in fact, a little too nice. He
was kind of a schmoozer; he talked well but there was no substance behind a
word he said. In fact, he had managed to talk a girl into coming back to
our room -let me emphasize OUR room- and when he got there he had the nerve
to tell me to get out. Tell me, not ask if I could leave while he had his
dirty sex, he just told me. I left, begrudgingly, and went to find Megan.

When I got to her room the door was open and I could see her struggling to
hang some posters up on her wall. I went in and helped hold them up while
she reached for the wall tack.

"Thanks for the help." She said. "It's not easy trying to hang shit up when
it keeps rolling up on you."

"No problem," I replied.

We both stepped back to see that the poster was tilted at an odd angle that
had not been intended, but Megan insisted that she didn't want to bother
and that it just added to the quirkiness of her Death Cab For Cutie poster.

"Do you wanna go do something?" I asked, "maybe go get some coffee or hang
in the Student Union?"

"I actually can't. You remember that guy that I met at the club fair, Jim
or John or something?"

"Uhh, there was a lot of Jims or Johns at the fair, which booth?" I asked.

"The guy from the Green club."

"Oh yeah, the one with the Birkenstocks and the hemp t-shirt." I remembered

"Well he actually asked me out..." If there had been water in my mouth I
would have done a spit take it was that hilarious. "Yeah, yeah, I know he
was kind of an eco-nerd," she replied, "But I just thought what the hell, I
might as well meet as many people as I can. So we're going to some burger
restaurant tonight."

"Wow," I replied. I hadn't known Megan that long but I never thought she
would be that girl that just goes out for the hell of it. But, honestly, as
a freshmen it is true, it helps to try to meet as many people as
possible. "You might want to learn his name before you go." I told her.

"Yeah, I thought I'd head out and try to find someone who knew him. But can
we hang out later tonight? I can give you the scoop on Captain
Granola. Maybe around eleven?" she asked.

"That works." I replied and we both left her room. Megan went downstairs,
but I held back, not really knowing where to go. I wish I would have
grabbed my computer before I left, but I was pissed at Tom and hadn't
thought about it. Now I was stuck with nothing to do.

I thought about heading to the Union building to hang out but decided that
it would look lame to be there by myself. Without having remembered walking
there I found myself outside of the dorm building on a path to the main
square on campus. The paths were dimly lit, but there were plenty of people
so there was no reason to feel wary in the dark. I entered the square with
its glowing fountain and found myself staring at a campus posting board,
one of those places where people could post events, or job listings or even
the random guitar lessons flyer. I didn't know why I had come there or even
remember what had possessed my feet to walk in this direction but I saw a
Starbucks across the square and made a beeline for it.

After I had got my coffee I aimlessly walked around the campus a bit until
I was sure that enough time had elapsed for Tom to be done with his fucking
(and he was the type that probably didn't take long) and then I turned back
toward my dorm building.

"WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That was all I heard as a blur went speeding past my body not only six
inches from where I was standing.

"What the HELL?!" I exclaimed as I tried to regain my composure as the
adrenaline from the sudden close encounter coursed through my veins. I
looked over to see some blur of a kid on a skateboard making a gigantic
circle back toward where I was trying to catch my breath. I was livid; was
this guy trying to kill me?!

"Are you okay?" the blur asked as it returned back to where I was though
this time considerably slower.

"Am I okay?! NO! You nearly RAN...ME...OVER! Are you trying to crash into
people or are you just completely inept?!" the rage in my voice even
surprised me and as the blur rolled over and came to a stop in front of me,
I started to feel like an ass.

It was just a kid. A young teenage boy on a skateboard, maybe thirteen or
fourteen. He was probably 8 inches shorter than me, with brown hair, and he
was thin with the soft skin of a young teen. He was actually really cute.

And it looked like my outburst was about to make him cry. His eyes had
begun to water and his chin seemed to quiver a little.

"I'm sorry," he replied, trying to sound as if he didn't care, but really
he was close to tears and the façade didn't work. "I wasn't trying to hit
you, I just didn't see you."

I was stunned. Something about him stunned me and I felt transfixed to the
spot.

"Uh..." I stammered, "Just...try to watch where you're going..." I replied
to his apology. I used all my might to turn away but he stayed at the spot
and just watched me. "And wear a helmet." I called over my shoulder as I
began to walk away. After I had walked twenty or so paces I heard the sound
of the wheels on top of the cement again and knew he was his way.

That was the first time I met Chris.

<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was not the last.

Somehow he managed to keep showing up on campus. He would come rolling by
me sporadically without any warning. At first it freaked me out, I think
skateboards are way too dangerous for riders and innocent pedestrians, but
I grew accustomed to hearing him approach and when I did I would turn back
to watch him roll towards me. I don't think that he knew it was me, though,
because he never seemed to acknowledge that I was there. Or he might have
been upset that I had yelled at him that one time. I felt bad about it, I
really did.

I wanted to call out to him whenever he came by, but I was afraid of the
fact that I couldn't get him out of my head. What was wrong with me? This
was a boy, probably four years younger than me. It seemed weird, but I was
consumed by him. I thought about him all the time, wondering why he was
always on campus, where he lived, why he always seemed to be passing by me.

Well, one day I finally met him. I was on a bench outside of the Music
building killing time in between classes when I saw him coming. I called
out to him when he got closer to me.

"Hey" I said as he came past. He looked completely caught off guard and
when he turned to see who had called him he almost lost his balance. I
watched him recover rather skillfully, but it was also funny to watch. Then
he turned around and came back to me.

"Yeah?" he asked trying to seem indifferent, but looking a little
intimidated too.

"Oh...nothing...just, you're the kid that always rides around here right?"
I asked. Geez that sounded stupid. I really had no idea what to say. What
had motivated me to get his attention?

"Yeah...and you're the guy that likes to yell at me, right?" he responded.

"Oh, uh...sorry about that. You just caught me off guard then, and I was
already having a crap day. I'm sorry I took it out on you," I apologized to
him.

"Well it's okay. Thanks for...you know...apologizing." He stammered out. "I
gotta go."

"Okay, I'll see you around then?" I asked, "What's your name?"

He pondered his answer for a bit then, deciding there was no harm in
telling me he responded.

"Chris. You?"

"I'm Ryan" I extended my hand "nice to meet you."

He reached his hand out to meet my outstretched one. We shook hands; and it
felt electric. Like some energy was coursing though us. I could tell that
he had felt it too because he paused once he took my hand and seemed
absorbed for a few, long seconds. I was absorbed, his hand was smooth and
soft, it felt god in mine, like it belonged there. I looked up at him and
once again noticed his perfect face and our eyes met. I felt like I could
lose myself in those brown eyes.

"I'm glad to meet you," I told him while still staring.

"Yeah me too," he replied and with that we let go of each other's hands and
he turned to leave. He seemed a bit struck.

"See you around," I said as he went to leave, and then added, "and get a
helmet," since I noticed that his head was still unprotected, and it would
be a shame to damage such a beautiful

<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

I saw him a couple of more times after that. He would come riding through
the campus and it seemed as if I was always there at the right time. He
would get off of his skateboard and walk over to me just to say hi and we
might talk for a little bit about nothing in general; once we even went to
get coffee at the Starbuck's on campus. I told him that coffee was one of
my great pleasures in life and that that coffee shop was always a good bet
to find me. We never really talked in depth when together, in fact, I still
had no idea how old this kid was. One thing was for sure, though. I was
really beginning to like him. In fact I liked him a lot. I tried not to let
on around him, though, since I couldn't be sure how he would react.

I got the impression that he was gay. His voice had a bit of a feminine
lilt to it and I could always catch his eyes wandering whenever a good
looking college guy would walk by. But as time passed on and I saw him
more, I noticed that the glances all seemed to be aimed my way. He would
try to hide it but I could always tell, you just know whenever you're being
watched.

I was thinking about this conclusion of his orientation as I walked from
the library, which I had made an unscheduled stop at this afternoon, back
to my dorm. As I passed through the square, I could see a group of guys
standing at the opposite end of it clearly gathered around something. I
noticed as I walked closer that there was three of them, and I could see
that Tom was one of them. I wondered what they were all standing around
until I got closer...and I could hear them.

"What's wrong you little fag, don't wanna get up? Come on and grab your
board," taunted Tom as he held a skateboard above his head. It was Chris's
skateboard. "Come on you little cock-sucker, get up and get it!"

I ran the rest of the distance between us, all the time thinking that I was
going to kill Tom for messing with this boy, my boy. When I got there I saw
Chris cut up, bleeding and cowering on the ground, his small, scared body
dwarfed by those of the bigger men, all athletes. I shoved my way into the
middle of them.

"What the Hell do you think you're doing Tom?!" I was livid and wanted to
knock him out right there. "Just what the hell are you thinking picking on
a kid?!"

"We were just messing with the little queer. Trying to show him how real
men act." He tried to laugh it off.

"Get away from him!" I barked back at him.

"Oh yeah... and what are you gonna do about it?" he tried to intimidate me
but we were so close to the same size that it didn't work, and his friends
seemed to have backed away instead of defending him.

"You wanna find out? Now leave!" Something about the look in my eyes must
have scared the shit out of him because after an inaduible snide comment he
turned and left. I was like a lion defending a cub, and it was all I could
do to keep from running him down right there. Instead I turned to Chris,
still on the ground.

<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

-Xan


Thanks for reading and a new post will follow shortly. Sorry that this one
is a little mysterious but, as always, time will reveal more. Any comments,
questions or feedback feel free to send them to xan.edwards2009@gmail.com.
I appreciate all of them, I really do, but it is hard to reply to all.