Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000 18:11:06 +0200 From: Joshua Cotey <scoteg@yahoo.com> Subject: True Love, part 5 (new version) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's the next part, hope you'll enjoy it. Keep sending the mails: scoteg@yahoo.com ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- True Love, part 5 ----------------- I never felt worse then I did right now, how could he do this to me? Last night was wonderful and there's no doubt this night will be miserable... I woke up after a lousy night; I must have slept at most 2 hours after I cried myself to sleep. Today was an important day to me, because I had a big exam coming up and all I could think of now was Matthew. I decided there was enough time later to cry about him, I wouldn't let him ruin my exams too. So I got up, trying not to think about him, it was hard but I managed to do it. I hurried myself because I was already running late and you know you cannot come late to an exam! I barely made it on time, but lucky for me, the professor was also a bit later, so there was no problem. At least I didn't have to avoid Matthew, because he had gone to Australia with his parents. He would be away for a week, so I had the time to think things over and afterwards I hoped I could face him easier. But I had to focus on the exam now! I ran into Kyle and he immediately noticed me and said hello. "Hey there," he said, "so you're gonna do well today?" "I hope so, but I'm not sure. My mind is elsewhere..." I said. "Oh, no big problems I hope. It isn't really the time for those now. I'm sure everything will be ok and you're gonna do a great exam, I just know!" he smiled. "Thanks Kyle, I hope so." I could even smile a little. The exam was difficult but I knew the most things that were asked. At least one thing that went well in my life... Kyle and me went to lunch afterwards and he asked me if I wanted to go out tonight to celebrate us doing well on the exam. I said I wasn't in the mood and he took it as a sign to change the subject. That was a good thing about Kyle; he always knew when I didn't want to talk about something. So we just got something to drink to celebrate it a bit, I couldn't ignore the one good thing that happened today. Afterwards I went home, trying to keep that little happy feeling but it quickly was replaced with the sadness of not being able to be with Matthew... I loved him so much ... and everything was over already? This couldn't be happening to me! I had to talk to someone, so once I came home I called Kathryn and she came over. I knew I always could tell her everything and it would be a relief to me being able to talk about it, I thought... "You sounded upset on the phone. Anything bad happened to you? It's not the exam today, is it?" Kathryn said. "No, no problem with my exams, it's more like love-problems..." I began to explain how things started between me and Matthew and how I had fallen in love with him. She understood the situation and said me that if he didn't want me, he surely didn't deserve me. "But I love him!" I said. "Look Josh, it's clearly a one-sided feeling. So how bad this may sound to you, it's the best that you try to forget him. You said you like him and he likes you, so the best thing for you two is just being friends." "I guess..." "Another thing, since when do you feel attracted to boys? I never saw that in you. I mean, when we were together, you..." Kathryn tried to ask. "It's something I always knew deep down inside, but when we were together... Well, you know I love you honey, I always will, but friendship will always be the relation between us. You understand." I asked. "Of course, I love you too Josh. And Matthew is a fool not wanting to get involved with you. But I know, you will find someone soon, with your looks and your great personality... Who wouldn't love you?" she joked. I really loved her, she always could make me feel better. She always knew what to say, she was perfect! We went to the video store to rent some movies, we always did that when one of us (or both) felt bad. We rented "10 thing I hate about you", a teen-romance-comedy kind of movie. The film was kinda cool, but it reminded me of my life, especially the last poem the girl wrote: ---------------------------------------------------------- I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rime. I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all... ---------------------------------------------------------- It was exactly what I was feeling, I wanted to hate him, but I just couldn't... I loved him! Kathryn and me fell asleep on the couch, being with someone I loved made the night easier, but the sad feeling wasn't so easy to disappear... We woke up around 10 o'clock that morning, Kathryn was a bit upset we slept so long, because her first class was at 8. She said that my love-life (or better, the lack of a love-life) would now get us both in trouble, but I knew it was just a joke. I gave her a big hug and she hurried to university. I was alone again, I had a break from classes for about a week now, so I didn't have anything to do. I rewinded the video and brought it back to the store. The boy at the desk asked me: "So, you liked the movie. It's really romantic, isn't it? At the end everything went ok..." he said. "Yeah, too bad real life isn't so pretty." I said a bit sarcastic. "Well, at the end everyone finds his soul-mate." he joked. "I'd like to see that happen to me one day." I laughed. "When things are bad, they only can get better, you know. That's my motto." he said. "I like that motto! Hi, I'm Josh. Nice to meet you!" "I'm Matt. So which girl has broken your heart?" he asked. "Well, actually, it's a boy..." "Don't think he's worth it. He sure isn't very smart not wanting you." he continued. "Well, thanks." I was a bit surprised he didn't find it weird me being gay. I guess some people consider it normal, luckily of course!!! I talked a bit more with Matt before leaving the video store, I learned he also got his heart broken one time. But he kept believing everything would end up ok, and it did. He was engaged with a nice girl, who loved him very much. I left the store feeling a bit better then when I entered. Maybe everything would end up all right one day... Maybe I could meet someone I loved as much as I loved Matthew... But that was far away now, I couldn't forget Matthew, such things take a while... My free week went bye very fast and I managed to accept me and Matthew would just be friends. I was ready to face him now, we had to talk things over and afterwards our friendship had to be stronger. I woke up that Monday morning, wanting to see Matthew again. It had been way too long, I missed him even though I knew friendship is the only thing I would get. I hurried myself, so I wouldn't be late. My plan was to get to class first before he did and surprise him. I hoped he'd like the surprise, otherwise I would look like a stupid fool... My train ride lasted a bit to long for me, because I couldn't wait any longer to see him. So here I was, a bit nervous how he would react to my visit. After all, we left each other with many questions left between us. I entered the class room and to my surprise there was one person sitting there, Matthew. "Hi Josh, I was waiting for you to show up." he said. "I really missed you! It has been way too long!" He surprised me with a big hug. "You did?" I said, "I thought you kinda would have forgotten me by now." "You kidding? How could I? You're my best friend, I thought you knew that." he smiled. "I missed you too, Matthew. I missed you very much..." To be continued... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope you liked it, the rest is coming up very soon. I really enjoy writing for you guys, the response I get, really gives a satisfying feeling. Keep sending those mails to scoteg@yahoo.com. Love you all, Josh -----------------------------------------------------------------------------