Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 23:01:25 UT
From: T O <Mountie04@breakthru.com>
Subject: Turning Point - Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

	Two days straight of crying, sleeping, and more crying. I really
felt like I was losing it. The confusion had just pent up so strongly, and
masked by the total denial, it came out quite badly. My dorm room was in
darkness for those two days, and the only time I left my bed was either to
eat or take a piss. Good thing I had some food in my room or I would of
starved. I would get calls and not answer them, even a couple worried
knocks, but I wasn't able to face anyone. I couldn't pretend that I was ok,
or even muster a fake smile. I was down, really down. It's difficult to
explain. I really didn't think about anything, but I was so emotionally
drained, that my physical being to take on some of the pain from within. If
that makes any sense at all.
	On the second night of this episode (still never understood what to
call it.), the pain was replaced by sheer anger. I was livid, I mean I
started punching my bed, throwing pillows and stuff, yelling profanities,
slamming doors until I picked up one of my plates and smashed it. Then the
crying started again.
	I then heard banging on the bog door. It was Matt. "Jared, are you
okay?." I didn't respond. "Come on Jared, let me in. I am really started to
get scared."  Again, nothing. "I will break down this door if I have to."
With that, I reached for the lock and sat on the floor, in and amongst the
shattered glass.
	"Jared are you hurt."
	I nodded a no
	"Look at the glass everywhere. Let me clean it up. Here, come on,
get back into bed buddy" Matt did what he said, he got me into bed and
cleaned the glass. 20 minutes after he finished and tried to do a little
cleaning, or at least something while he thought, he jumped into my bed and
held me. He was fully clothed, just being there for support. He just held
me. I was crying the hardest then. He just held me. I mean single dorm room
beds are so small, but the way he spooned me, it didn't matter. Whether it
was exhaustion taking over, or I had cried myself out, I stopped crying. I
didn't feel anger, or felt confused. All I felt was safe. For the first
time in a long time, I felt safe, and within minutes, I drifted asleep.

	I woke up and realised that it was the first time I had slept
through the night since the first kiss.  I was still confused and in
emotional peril, but then as I realized where I was, I felt the arm around
my waist. It was a strong arm, had me held tight and secure, and I knew who
it was. I couldn't really remember much of the events of the previous
nights (my doctor said, when the mind goes through emotional trauma,
temporary memory loss of events can take place.) but I knew it was Matt. I
could just feel it in my system.
	He must of sensed that I was up, but I think I woke him up as
well. "Hey" He replied groggily, "How are you doing Big Guy." `Big Guy?' I
thought.
	" I am a little shaky, and a little out of it." I stumbled out.
	" Are you ok, we can go to Outpatients if you're not." He said
worried
	"No, I'll be ok" "We'll you're going to the on-campus doctor
tomorrow when it opens, as it is not open today, and you're not getting rid
of me today at all." Wow, Matt was quite forceful.
	"Why Matt? Why do you care so much?"
	"Because I love you."
	"See I don't understand why? I have been pushing you away, tried to
keep our bog mates relationship quite superficial, you really don't know
that much about me, why do you love me"
	"I know more than you think. I see you volunteering your time with
the literacy campaign and the cub scouts. I know you tutor some of the
students in Calculus. I hear some of the phone conversations through the
wall to your parents. I know you may not have a lot of money, but you have
the most important part, heart. Your laugh, which doesn't happen very much
is infectious. I mean its distinct, but makes me want to giggle as
well. You are caring, very smart, well-dressed and have quite a nice butt."
as he slapped my butt. "I know you are very confused, but it still doesn't
change who you are. I am sure Mother Teresa had a bad week."
	"Matt, but why would you try to help me."
	"You don't just get it. I dated this guy for a couple years in high
school, and I thought I was in love, it felt that way. One day I caught him
sucking off another guy. I thought it was the worst day in my life. It
happened two months before I came here, and I knew that I let him do it to
me. I really didn't say much to him about it at all. I just left and never
saw him again. Anyway, when I met you that first day, there was something
about you that appealed to me. Then I felt it, day by day by day, this
bond, it was so much stronger than how I ever felt about him. I was
confident that you were straight. Not wanting to be with anyone else, I
went to hang out with the football guys. Hence the drinking and the cheap
chicks. If you ever rejected me and outted me if I would of cmae out to
you, or if any of the football guys suspected or found out I was gay, there
would be a lot of shit coming my way and I know that I would not be strong
enough to deal with it alone."
	"So what made you kiss me."
	"I saw it in your eyes. As much as you protested it in your words,
you eyes wanted it. I know you think your lost and lower than you`ve ever
felt before. I know hat`s how I felt before I came to the decision I was
gay , but let me say this to you. Jared, you are great, just the way you
are."
	"I am not sure who that is anymore."
	"I will help you find him."
	"What if you don't like me when I discover that?"
	"Perceptions change, people don't."
	"Do you know why this is so hard for me? I think I really like you
too. It may be love, I am so fucked up right now to know, but its
possible. "
	"Why is that so hard Jared."
	"Because now I have to choose. Nothing can ever be the same
anymore. IF I choose to admit to myself, my attraction to you automatically
people hate me. They haven't met me, but they hate me. Some so bad it
scares me. As much as I am close with my family, they would never approve
of me being with another dude. They are religious and are quite
anti-gay. It goes with the whole small town mentality. I really don't know
if I can give them up though. They are a piece of me." Matt started to
frown.
	" However, if I choose to not see you, I would have to transfer
schools, as it would be to hard to see you daily. I would break you're
heart, but a piece of me would die as well. I probably would have regrets
for the rest of my life, and think what if?" A smirk came across his face.
	"It's like facing a fork in the road, no matter what I decide, I
change the direction I was going. Nothing can ever be the same again, and
that's scary."
	"You don't have to face it alone though."
	For the first time, and surprising to myself I kissed him. I kissed
him like there would no tomorrow, and he returned the favour. At first, it
was sensual, but I longed for more and it was lustful. I was exploring his
chest with my hands, while he caressed my back, I then move down and kissed
the small of his neck, and he just breathed quite heavy. He was getting
into this as much as I was. My hand explored his body, like they could get
enough. They finally reached the zipper in his blue jeans, and as I started
to slowly zip down, he pulled away.
	"Wait, we've got to stop. As much as I am liking this, as you can
see ( as he pointed towards the hard bulge in his pants) this isn't right."
	"Don't you want this." I felt really rejected
	" I do, but I want you to want this as much to. I want you for more
than sex, and personally as much as your body is ready, your mind is not
there, and the first time we make love, I want it to be special." He
faintly kissed me on the nose, and I smiled.
	"Will you at least stay in bed with me and cuddle." Cuddle, did I
use just use the word cuddle.
	"Sure. I'd love to."
	I stripped down to my Tommy Boxers, and he was in his Joe Boxers
Happy Face ones, and snuggled. I felt his wood poking at my ass, and as
much as I wanted some action, this was probably the best I could of felt at
the time. I knew a decision was in my horizon, but for the moment, I let it
be, and basked in the strong arms of my newfound protector.
	We lied there for hours, just talking. He was talking about the
poor, distant, almost negligent relationship with his parents. His mom
never around his dad ran out on them when he was three, and I talked about
like in Atlantic Canada. Around supper we realized we both hadn't ate, so
we ordered a pizza, talked some more about our lives, and then went to
bed. We then fell asleep to some of the best sleep in our lives.