Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 19:13:20 -0500
From: Rob "The Rubster" Workman <r_workman@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Ultimate Truth

The Ultimate Truth

*   *   *

This little story is part fiction, part truth, but all me. The Characters
are real, the events are part fiction and the emotions are all truth.
Please send any comments to r_workman@hotmail.com

For "Matthew"

*   *   *

	You know, sometimes I wonder if I am the only one out there who
feels the way I do. I wonder if anyone else feels so lonely and so
different, so unneeded and unwanted, and so incredibly sad. I sit back
sometimes and I wonder why exactly things are the way they are. I wonder
why exactly no matter how hard I try, I cannot be happy. It seems as though
no matter how happy I may be, that happiness gets taken away so quickly to
be replaced once again by complete misery. Why am I like this? Why do I
have to be different? Why am I so alone?

	I've often wondered how it is exactly that one simple thing that I
want so badly, but which I will never achieve, can hurt so much for so
long. It's been God knows how many years now since I first realized that I
am Gay, but why do I still feel like a worthless piece of shit? I mean,
I'll admit, I am not all that attractive in the first place. Hell, I'm
about 180 pounds with a bit more fat than muscle. I don't have the
obligatory washboard abs nor the various other well developed muscular
qualities that so many men desire, but I like to think that I do have at
least a few good qualities somewhere within me. Don't get me wrong, I may
not be very attractive but I'm definitely not ugly. I do have some muscle
on me despite my heavy set structure and I'm in shape enough to walk across
a very large university campus for classes not to mention a demanding
summer job as a technician for the local phone company. Aside from that, my
best friend Matthew describes me as a "cute, furry and cuddly teddy bear".
All my friends tell me that I have a "heart of gold" and that I couldn't be
a better friend to those I care about. So if I give out so much love and so
many teddy bear hugs, why then do I feel as if nothing I say or do makes
any difference in the lives of anyone else? Why do I feel as if I could
dissappear and no one would be affected at all?

	For years now, I've had this huge crush on Matthew, my best friend
of over six years. We've been through everything together and he is
everything that I could ever aspire to be. Although we're the same height,
he has a much slimmer build. He's into sports and bodybuilding and in a lot
of ways we're exact opposites, but in other ways, we connect on a level
that defies any sort of analysis or description. I can honestly say that he
is my very first true love because it was my feelings for him that made me
realize that I'm Gay. I truly couldn't ask for a better friend, but at the
same time, it hurts so much to be with him. As you've probably guessed, he
has absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever. Sure, I get the odd hug and
the occasional "thank you" for doing a favour, but I always want more. I
hold onto the dream that one day, a hug will turn into a kiss and a kiss
will turn into the ultimate expression of how much I love him.

	Now I've also heard and read the word "love" misused so many times
that it just isn't funny anymore. Love is a sacred thing that has to be
nurtured and cared for and doesn't just occur after a fuck-fest with some
hot guy that somebody met in the school library and has fantasized about
for a month. Love is when you cannot stand to be without that one special
person. Love is when your heart yearns so much for so long for even the
slightest amount of affection that will last for more than a few
seconds. When you lie awake almost every night for the past five years
crying yourself to sleep in hopes that you'll one day understand why your
feelings cannot come to fruition, that is the purest of all love. That is
when you know where the other half of your soul is located but simply have
no means of joining with it.

	

Now as I've said, Matthew is one of the greatest if not the greatest friend
that I could ever hope to have in my lifetime. I'm not at all jealous of
him in anyway, but I can't help but wonder if just maybe I had the body
that he has worked so hard to sculpt, that things might be different
between us. I wonder if maybe he really does have feelings for me but
simply finds me completely revolting enough to dismiss the inner "me"
completely. The thought of that hurts me so much that I don't dare explore
the possibility further. I don't even dare ask "what if" for fear that the
"what if" may actually be true. What I do instead is dream.

	My dreams are the only place in which I have total control. They
defy all rules and expectations and all constraints of life. I must admit
that Matthew has not been the only object of my fantasy, but definitely the
most prominent. In fact, just the other night, I had the most incredible
dream that I can recall to date...

* * *

My doorbell rang and I knew exactly who it was. I had invited Matthew over
to spend the weekend while my parents were out of town so that we could get
plastered and watch a couple of movies. I have always enjoyed spending as
much time as possible with Matthew and I'll though neither of us is the
most pleasant at times, I miss him when we're apart and I wish that our
time together would last forever.

In my usual attire of jeans and a T-shirt, I answered the door to a hot and
sweaty Matthew exhausted after a bike ride through the trails of the city
park. He stood there in his bike shorts and tight fitting T-shirt while
strands of sweat soaked hair peeked out from under his helmet.

"So where do we put my baby?" he asked.

"Your baby? Just follow me."

After putting his bike in my garage and securing the building to put Fort
Knox to shame, we went back into my house. I offered him a cold drink but
instead he asked if he could grab a shower. I was surprised he even
bothered asking to use the shower let alone ring the doorbell! The standing
rule is that he is never a guest in my house but a part of the family
instead. I told him to make himself at home and to help himself to my
toiletries upstairs. After getting partway up the staircase, he turned to
look at me.

"Hey," he said with a smile, "Aren't you going to come and make sure I wash
behind my ears?"

"Oh for crying out loud Matthew would you please stop teasing me!" I was
just about yelling. "I've told you how much I hate it when you taunt me
like that!"

He looked almost hurt as he came back downstairs and stood in front of me.

"I'm sorry," he said, "You can spank me later."

Before what he said had even clicked in, he had planted a toying kiss on my
cheek, grabbed his overnight bag and bolted upstairs into the washroom.
Strangely enough though, I didn't hear the door lock. After about a
half-hour, he came back down looking quite refreshed. His hair was still a
bit wet and mussed, but he had switched to jeans and T-shirt mode similar
to myself. No socks though. Matthew never wore socks when he didn't have to
and to be honest, neither did I.

He came and sat right beside me on the rather large couch, which was odd
since he usually occupied the recliner or loveseat. I leaned back into the
soft cushions and he stretched out beside me putting his head on my lap. At
this point, I really had no idea what the hell was going on.

"Well," he said, "we have the whole house to ourselves. What d'ya wanna
do?"

What I really wanted to do was to strip him naked and pleasure him in ways
that he never thought possible, but of course, I restrained myself (even in
my dreams I'm at least somewhat realistic). I prayed that I wouldn't start
to get hard with his head laying on my lap... a definite challenge.

"I dunno," I replied, "however I did just buy a new bottle of Disaronno
Amaretto."

"Oh you are a God! Crack it open!"

	I rose from my rather comfortable spot on the couch and headed for
my room to grab the bottle of my favourite drink next to scotch and
Drambuie. I returned moments later with two tumblers with three ice cubes
in each and the bottle of the greatest Amaretto in the entire world. I
poured two glasses and returned to my place on the couch while handing
Matthew his glass.

"Cheers." He said, and we clinked our glasses together, which we each
followed with a big long savouring sip of the sweet almond liqueur.

I fell back into the soft couch once more and Matthew decided to sit up
against me. As comfortable as this was, I was still apprehensive. Strange
things have happened before when Mathew and I drink together. He tends to
become a little more frisky and teasing when buzzed and as much as it hurts
to not be able to reciprocate the affection, a large part of me still
enjoys the things that he does to me.

	It wasn't long before we were finishing our second glass of the
stuff and although I wasn't feeling much, I could tell that Matthew was
becoming quite relaxed.

"Nick," he said, "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" I was shocked.
These were the last words I had expected to hear from him.

"Not since the last time you got plastered with me" I replied. He shifted
his body to face me.

"I mean it Nick. Alcohol blocks inhibitions not feelings and desires so
even if I am buzzed, I'm simply relaxed enough to talk openly with you. You
have no idea what you mean to me Nickie and I want to make sure that you
know that. If it weren't for you and the love you showed me, I know I
wouldn't be here right now. You helped me through so much and I am sorry
that I can't be everything that you wish I could be."

I took his glass and set our drinks down onto the coffee table in front of
us. He looked at me as if he were ready to cry and I couldn't help but wrap
my arms around him. I just held him there for what seemed like eternity and
I didn't want to let go. Finally, we mutually broke away from each other.
What happened next, I will never forget. Matthew leaned over and he kissed
me. It wasn't just a peck on the cheek, but a full-fledged and passionate
kiss on the lips. My God! What was I doing? What was I feeling?  What the
fuck do I do now?!? As we broke our kiss, Matthew and I locked our eyes
together. I seemed like eternity before he broke the silence.

"Tonight my friend, you won't have to wish anymore."

As he stood, he held out his hand which I took in mine. With my best friend
and first love leading the way, I followed him downstairs to my bedroom.
Once inside, he closed the door locking it and then moved towards me. He
took my hands again and led me to the bed where he sat down.

"Tonight," he said, "I am going to give you the best think that I can think
of to mark and seal our friendship. After tonight there will be no
mistaking what we mean to each other and you will not have to wish
anymore."

	While almost crying, I kissed him again and he wrapped his arms
around me to pull me closer. As he laid himself down on my double-size
waterbed, our passionate embrace and kiss continued while I climbed on top
of him. As I pulled away, I sat up straddling him and began rubbing my
hands across his chest. I traced little circles around the outlines of his
muscular build and slowly massaged through his T-shirt. I pulled the shirt
out from under his belt and pulled it up over his head. What a gorgeous
sight he was to behold. It wasn't his body that I saw there in front of me;
I saw his soul. I saw my best friend giving me the greatest gift any one
could ever receive - the opportunity to celebrate and illustrate true
love. I leaned over and planted a small kiss on his lips while my left and
continued to massage his chest and my right ran through his gorgeous light
brown hair.

"I love you" he said while closing his eyes.

"I know," I replied "I love you too and right now there is no mistaking the
way I feel about you."

	I planted little kisses down his neck and on his chest. I kissed
his hard nipples and my tongue traced tiny circles around each of them. As
I descended lower, I could feel his fingers running through my hair and
down under my shirt onto my back. I was at his belly button, licking and
kissing a path to my ultimate goal. I moved my hand up his leg and started
to fumble with his belt buckle. I knew the anticipation was killing us
both. I undid the zipper and spread apart the flaps of his jeans as I began
to massage the outside of his sports briefs with my tongue. I could see his
manly package straining against the fabric of his underwear for freedom and
I could also see the small wet spot starting to form. I deeply inhaled his
musky smell and I knew that I was in heaven. Not being able to wait any
longer, I pulled his jeans and briefs down to his knees in one swift
move. In front of me now was something that I have wanted for so long and
can't wait to have, yet I want this night to last as long as it possibly
can.

	With my tongue, I start to lick one of the two treasures hanging
there in a neat bundle. Matthew inhaled deeply as I took one wholly into my
mouth, gently sucking and fondling the other with my finger. Deciding to
give the other the same bath, I slowly begin to lick both at the same time,
gently caressing with one hand and the other feeling as much as I can of
his semi naked body. I slowly begin to pleasure him even more by licking
the base of his thick shaft, my hand starting to caress his swollen and
hard member. Gently, I started to pull up and down, watching his entire
body twitch in excitement. He opened his eyes just enough to look at me.

"Oh my God Nickie... how can this feel so good?!?!"

Without saying a word, I continued my work, vowing to make this night one
for us both to remember forever.

	I ran a flick of my tongue across the head of his stiff treasure
while my hand kept pumping up and down. I wasn't sure who exactly was
experiencing more pleasure, myself or Matthew. I felt him grab onto my
shirt and try to pull it up over my head so I decided I'd give him a little
bit of assistance. Once my shirt was off, I returned to my work of
pleasuring my best friend who had already brought just as much if not more
joy and happiness into my life. I could tell that it wasn't long before he
was ready to explode and therefore I sucked and licked and pumped harder,
faster and more passionately than before. I felt his body tense and he shot
gushes of his sweet nectar down my throat. I swallowed as much as I could
not wanting to waste a single drop of something that I had waited so long
to achieve.

	After ensuring that my work was done, I adjusted my position so
that I could lie next to him. After he kicked off his clothes, he proceeded
to remove the rest of mine. Naked, pure and satisfied, we crawled under the
covers, shut off the lights and after exchanging yet another passionate
kiss, we fell asleep in each other's arms with me hoping that we could stay
like this forever and a day.

* * *

	Of course though, I do awaken. It is only a dream. My only wish is
that I could not wake up from this dream. I wish that once my ultimate
expression of love for Matthew is achieved, I will never have to live with
being away from him or having to separate from a passionate embrace with my
best friend again. How long will it be before I either achieve this goal
which has driven me for so many years or before the goal itself consumes me
and ends my life as I know it? I want to say again, when you lie awake at
night as I usually do, crying yourself to sleep in hopes that you'll one
day understand why your feelings cannot come to fruition, that is the
purest of all love. That is when you know where the other half of your soul
is located but will never understand why the two halve can't make a whole.