Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 10:57:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Freddy Jackson <quoted_byme@yahoo.com>
Subject: Velvet Hope: Chapter 1

Author's note:

This story is partly fictional and partly real. I left the locations of my
story blank, as to assist reader's comprehension (well, I don't really know
much of the places in US or UK...) Feel free to conjure up whatever places
you have in mind while reading the story. But there's one thing you should
know before reading, what you read in regards of the homophobic society I'm
living in, is true. I'm from an Asian country but will not reveal where
until requested through email. I hope you enjoy my first ever story on
nifty... please direct all your comments and criticism to
quoted_byme@yahoo.com. Cheers!

Copyright 2004 quoted_byme@yahoo.com.  All Rights Reserved.
Please do not redistribute this story or display it on other sites without
permission.


Brennan. That's the only name that hammered my thoughts on my journey back
home. I recalled soberly the meeting I had before with him at the college
cafeteria;

	"Hi Jackson!" Brennan called from behind the water cooler where I
was quenching my mooring thirst. I blurted a drenched vocal with drops of
waters adhered on my lips, "Owh, hiyah Behrennan..." My heart pounds its
usual rapid rhythm, dancing alongside the tempo of pelting rain, heavily
pouring outside the campus.  "What's up buddy?" he said, cheerful and
smiley as always... ah... the beauty of it... Out of habit, I placed a hand
nonchalantly on my hair to straighten it. I wished dreadfully time would
freeze so I could peruse my unattractive face on the mirror. "Nothing much
really... just finished my research in the library. Waiting for the bloody
rain to stop so I could walk back," I replied, my hand still attempting to
straighten my messy hair.
	"Ah... I could give you a ride home you know?" said Brennan in his
husky, dreamy voice. "Really? Erm... I wouldn't want to trouble you... I'm
pretty sure the rain will stop sooner." I replied nervously, delighted by
the offer. "Nah its fine. The rain will definitely stop; the question is
when will it stop. Come on." He pulled me closer and placed an arm around
my shoulder, a friendly gesture he does with most of his friends. The only
difference is, my heart never fail to skip a beat whenever he does that. We
walked to the college's parking lot, shoulder on shoulder, like best bud or
brothers-in-arm. I could hear him breathing while he chatted away, his face
so clearly imprinted in a precious reservoir of my memory. I wonder if
there's any chance...

	"Yo, we're here. Get in this baby. What are you waiting for?"
	I startled momentarily. Brennan is already seated on drivers seat
of his sleek gray Honda car, engine purring and patient. I released myself
from my brief fantasy and got in,
	flashing a nervous smile. I hate my nerve. Totally.

	"You're pretty quiet today. Got a lot of chicks on your mind?"
Brennan question cheekily. I sighed deeply in my heart. "Nah, just worried
about college assignments... You know, with our term coming to an end
soon. Lecturers spamming us with excessive projects and papers," I replied,
staring fixedly on the windshield's wiper monotonously bobbing right and
left. "Aw... come on, relax. Give yourself some time off once in a while.
It's not like you have to score 4.0 GPA for this semester. Nobody really
cares anyway."

	I do, I said quietly.
	I am not exactly conceived from a well-off family. In fact, I would
consider my family to have slightly below average income. However, college
fees come as hefty with another sister for my parents to support as
well. With fusion of perspirations, relentless oil lamps, hard works and
moral support from parents, I managed to obtain a full scholarship for my
college diploma with my A-LVL examination result. Needless to say, good
result is expected every term in order to maintain the funding.  I have
successfully sustained good result for the past years by sacrificing the
joy ride most college students possessed. But hey, no pain, no gain rite?

	Silence ensued. I listened to the rhythm of the falling raindrops,
beating merrily on his windshield. Brennan switched on the radio. "Hey your
favourite song is on!" he remarked to the guitar riff of Red Hot Chili
Pepper's 'Can't Stop' I smiled, genuinely happy. He remembered my favourite
song after all, I thought happily.
	Then he dropped a bombshell.

	"Ya know, I would be really grateful if you could help me with a
tiny itsie-bitsy favour," he said. My temporary joy vanished into thin
air. "There's this really annoying research that my lecturer hand down to
our class. I think it's pretty much related to whatever research you guys
are doing. About some kind of dead artists who were into abstract
arts... ya know, like that Picasso guy. He's one of them."
	"Uh-huh," I replied, my voice tone showing no sign of consent or
decline.
	"Well I had to do a paper on Renaissance's effect on mankind..." I
continued.  "Hey, that's great then! I guess it must be pretty closely
related since both of them are art movements in the past. Why the hell do
we need to learn art history anyway?  Useless bullshits. So I assume that's
a yes from you, yeah?"  Brennan said.
	Closely related? And you call yourself an art student? The uncanny
irony... I pondered quietly.
	"Well yeah, assuming if I have enough time on my hand to spare some
on your research..." Before I could finish my sentence, he thrust his free
hand towards my arm and grabbed it tightly. "Gee, thanks a lot
buddy. You're a totally cool. I'll treat you a cup of coffee next time. I
knew you wouldn't let me down." He flashed a striking smile that melts away
my heart every time I view such spectacular creation... "Yeah, I guess," I
replied.

	The rain stopped soon enough, and Brennan dropped me off at a bus
station close to my house. As I walked slowly back home, my sneakers
splashing puddles of rainwater on the pavement, the solitude in the air
formed a sparkle of tear, bedimmed on my eye.
	Well I should be glad I'm his buddy at least. A good friend. I
persuaded myself pervasively, not wanting to accept the fact that I'm being
used, by that one guy that I couldn't stop falling in love with. Why? Why
him...? Someone straight to begin with...  Someone who's probably
homophobic as most male straight guys are... Why...?  The questions played
repetitively like a looping music in my mind, searching for an answer that
will never surface. Love is blind, they say. It truly is.

	"Ma, I'm home," I yelled.
	"Oh welcome home, dear," Ma said, glancing at me from kitchen.
	"Ma I'm skipping dinner tonight, got plenty of work to do, so don't
bother calling me out, I'll be stuck in my room all night long," I said
quickly, afraid that my mom will start singing the nagging song, which she
did promptly. "Are you out of your mind? You can skip your tea time, your
supper, but never ever skip the 3 important meals daily. You see, that's
why you're shorter than most college kid, weaker too. You ought to eat more
and work out more, that's why you couldn't get any girlfriends up till
now. And now you're telling me that you're gonna skip meal for some
assignments that you probably procrastinate..."

	Yeah, rub it in Ma, I said silently in my heart and walk up the
stairs with fatigue steps accompanied by my Ma's condescending nagging
orchestra. I locked my room's door and heavily slumped on my bed. My Ma's
orchestra finished abruptly as I heard footsteps in the
kitchen. Finally. Some much needed solitude.

	"You see, that's why you're shorter than most college kid, weaker
too. You ought to eat more and work out more, that's why you couldn't get
any girlfriends up till now..."  Ma's voice echoed, prodding my depress
heart. Shit. I hate life.
	My parents are clueless that I'm queer. And they're expecting me to
get a girlfriend.  I overheard them couple of times planning about my life
in the future with a wife and having my own family. Right, like that's
going to happen in a million years.

	I glanced at the mirror placed beside the bed, above my study
table.
	I'm not much of a looker really. Glasses are part of my body
already as contact lenses will exposed my heavy black eye bags that I
acquired over the past years studying all night long. Even now sleep is
scarce. My friends constantly mention about how I always look tired, as if
I was screwing some one all night long. (I'd rather someone screwing me but
they naturally thought I'm straight so...) That shows how much these people
know about me. Not to mention my dwarf height. At 5 foots 3 inches, I'm
probably one of the shortest guy in college. To top it all up, at the age
20, I'm still a virgin. A gay virgin. Not much luck with gay guys
anyway. Most of the guys I know are either straight or in the closet. In
this homophobic country, chances are nobody will tell you they're gay. Gay
people go to jail for being gay. Well even if there are gay guys they
probably wont fall for me at first glance. I'd figured if I don't have the
look, then I should at least have knowledge. But heck, for guys, straight
or male, it's all about sex. (Did I forget that I'm a guy too?)
	Stop with the whining already. It's not like it's the end of the
world.

	With gloomy heart, I walked heavily to the bathroom, turned on the
shower and succumbed to the intimate touch of water. The cool water
drenched my body as well as my heart. I stood there, stagnant, wishing time
would stop.

	I woke up late the next morning. I stayed up whole night
researching for information and jotting them down. Pathetic bastard, I
swore at Brennan. My paper is due in few days time and now my hands are
full of his shit... No wonder he was nice to me last night... well... he
has always been nice... always smiling and thanking. Yeah, he better thank
me after all the helps he requested from me. I couldn't even count how many
times I helped him out with his own works. He'll probably fail if I don't
exist...

	"Hey, Jack!!!"
	I jumped. "Paula! Shit you scared me shitless! Next time sneak on
me and yell at my ear will you?"
	"Oh, gladly dear." Paula remarked, her usual sarcastic smirk
plastered on her pretty face. "You know, I bumped into a cute guy just now,
and even got his name! He's call Sean, so totally hot. Black jet hair, fair
skinned, smooth face..."
	"Yeah almost everyone here has natural black jet hair unless they
dyed it. I thought you have a boyfriend already. What are you doing
flirting around?"
	"Boyfriend? He's just my toy!" Paula giggled.
	I rolled my eyes. "Hey it's time already lets get to class," I
said, wearily, evidently sleepy and jaded. "Did you jerk off the whole
night yesterday? Gee, you look awfully tired," said Paula with a
mischievous twinkle, illuminated in her eyes. "Yeah yeah, I jerked off on
gay porn whole night. Happy?" I retorted. "Very, dear. You know, you gotta
make yourself happy at times. I don't blame you for that," she said.  I
rolled my eyes again, almost rolling it over 180 degrees.

	Paula was among the few friends that I come out to. Ever since the
cruel realization hit me that I'm fully gay, I began searching for comfort
from within close friends. Confide in them and lessen the burden on my
shoulder. Well, there's no way the burden is going to go away, the least I
can do is trust my very friends and wished they would not betray me.
Another important communication medium for my sanity is the internet. It is
where I read information on gay issues, on sexuality, on coming out... It
is also the place where I encountered and obtained great online friendship
with people, straight and gay (mostly), from all over the world, where I
confide in them as well... In this new age of information technology, those
who still reckon online friendship is superficial and unreal, hey, it got
me out of my depression couple of times before. Real or not, internet has
changed my life.  Without it, I'll be a depressed, glum, disheartened,
suppressed, unsocial-able child who is stuck between society's expectation
and personal inclination. Hell. Destiny sucks. Stupid caustic homophobic
society.

	As the sky darkens from blue to hellish orange and finally pitch
black, I found myself staring stupidly in front of the computer, typing out
Brennan's research. My paper is due in 3 days time and I'm only halfway
through with Brennan's... Well a promise is a promise; I can't let my dear
friend down... Fuck Brennan, since when do I act as your slave... The word
"slave" suddenly catalyzed a vision of his naked flesh and leather, candles
and belts...

	A loud ring crashed my fantasy back to cold hard reality.
	My cell phone, vibrating like a dildo that vibrates (what's that
call again? A vibrator?) Asshole, who the hell is this? I pondered aloud.
	"Hey, buddy! Brennan here!"
	My heart missed a beat.
	"He... Hey!" I stammered. Shit. My nerves again.
	"I was just wondering, have you completed my papers yet? I made a
mistake about what I'm supposed to do..." I listened in
disbelieve. Silence.
	"Er... well you see, apparently my lecturer wanted research on
impressionism not abstract..." His voice trailing off, like a broken tape
recorder.  "So since it's gonna be due soon, I thought to make up for my
mistake, I could come over to your place... and hopefully you can help me a
little... well cause I dunno how to do proper paper and references and all
those shit ya know... Just help your desperate friend here will you?
Please..."
	The nerve... So my nightly vigil proves unworthy after all this
while... My adrenaline rushed with anger, my blood boiling, my heart
racing.
 "Next time, read your brief properly before asking for any help you
asshole, I spent 2 nights already doing your fucking papers and shamelessly
you asked for more help. Put yourself in my position bastard!" Shaking, I
inhaled and exhaled deeply, attempting to hold my anger before I yelled
more profanities on the phone.
	I could almost hear Brennan's shock in the silence that ensued few
seconds after.
	"I'm sorry," he muttered slowly, indisputably apologetic.
	Just like that, my anger evaporates, replaced by sympathy for a guy
that I
	relentlessly love, no matter how ignorant he is.
	"Well what are you waiting for? Get your ass here and lets work on
this together."
	"Right on, captain." Brennan replied, relieved. I could hear his
smile.

	It was midnight when he arrived on the front porch. My parents and
sister are fast asleep. I led him in the house through the back door and
into my messy room. Great, I thought. In my haste to groom myself, I
conveniently forgot to clean my room. Brennan stared around and jumped on
my bed. "Hey, now this feels like home," he remarked, subtly bouncing on my
bed. My trying-not-to-be-perverted brain couldn't help fantasizing him on
my bed, stark naked...
	"
	You know, I imagined your room to be like a doctor's clinic,
sterilized and clean, no dust, no germ, neat and straight to the point," he
said. I chuckled at his judgmental joke.  "Well it's pretty obvious how
stereotype comes into play when it comes into judging people's room, huh?"
He shrugged. "I guess." A slight anger seeped into my feeling.

	Yeah, people see me as a nerd. And with that comes other
stereotyping that nerds are boring, they read all the time, they study all
the time, they're clean, they have no life...  Fuck. The one thing I hate
about stereotyping, it's never accurate on individual levels. I like being
a nerd; a nerd who cares about his grades in order to maintain his funding
for college, a nerd who has excellent friends who cares for each other, a
nerd who has passion for what he's studying, a nerd who enjoys a wild night
out just like any other rich kid who pays college fees and never attend a
single lecture, a nerd who cares about others just as much as he cares
about himself... well at times.

	"Hey, whaddya say we get a couple of beers while we work? Since I'm
clueless shit on how to do my work, bunking here for the night will be a
good idea. We can help each other out ya know?" Brennan said. I shook my
head. Thank god he didn't asked me if I would like some weed, I'd kick him
out right away. He told me before about his experiences with drugs, getting
wasted and even distributing it in clubs. He even threw in a nice brotherly
advice to me; not to go near those rubbish. Uh-huh, good job on
demonstrating your point.

	"Right, do as you please, Mister Brennan, my hands are full with my
work and YOUR work, so just fuck the beers and get to work," I said
coolly. "Whoa, relax there buddy, a little relaxation couldn't hurt,"
Brennan said, smirking as he fumbled inside his brown sling bag with a Nike
'Just do it' logo imprinted on the front. His hands emerged from the depths
of the sling bag, grasping a pack of canned beers. He stripped 2 cans of
its handle and threw one over to me. "Come on! Haven't you heard? Beer
helps stimulate your brain," he said, grinning ear to ear. I rolled my
eyes. Helped myself with the beer, nonetheless.

	We finally got down to work a few minutes after, I was lucky I
printed out part of my research on paper and could run through it without
the help of the computer. Brennan ran a couple of search at Yahoo.com but
to no avail. I helped him later and for a few moments we're really working
like a team.

	The night dug deeper into darkness, waiting for the dawn to come
nigh.

	I was still jotting some notes down, when I realized Brennan was
asleep on my bed, face blushing red from the excessive beers he downed. I
stopped and stared at him.  The yellow table lamb illuminates his smooth
muscular face, lavished beautifully with his perfect sharp nose and strong
jaw, his breath calm and endearing. His moist lips, wet from the booze,
spells luscious and sexy. I forgotten how much trouble he had put me
through and continue to gaze intently at the beautiful creature lying
asleep peacefully on my bed. It's evident why so many girls have fallen for
him. Mister Good-looking who is never too cocky, friendly with everyone,
charming, funny... his current girlfriend must have immensely enjoyed his
companionship.
	Gradually, subconsciously, I inched closer to him. My logic and
common sense vanished into thin air, mesmerized by an angel, lying asleep
on my very bed. Before I came out from the trance, my lips were at the same
level as his. I gulped. Slowly, my lips edged closer to his until I could
feel his wet lips caressing mine. Closing my eyes, I kissed him softly and
subtly, my only witness that night was the full moon, pouring soothing
cream coloured light into the bedroom, painting Brennan's face.

	Then he opened his eyes.
	I froze.
	He stared a moment into my eyes, bewildered. Neither of us spoke
for a minute or two. Then he broke the silence, "What the fuck are you
doing?" he screamed, reasonably loud. Perspirations broke. I stood up and
walked back towards my computer, terribly shaken. I dare not think of what
will come next...
	A little bit drunk, but still sane, he grabbed his sling bag and
hopped out of my bed so quickly as though it's contaminated with virus. He
stared at me for another couple of minutes, shock and probably in
fear..."I... I... Brennan... I'm sorry..." I stammered, trying to look into
his fearful or shock eyes, I couldn't tell. "I've been wanting to tell
you... that I'm a..."

	"A perverted faggot that's what you are," he shouted.
	"Brennan, please don't scream... my parents are asleep, I don't
want to wake them..." I tried to reason with him, sweat drenching my
shirt. Letting my parents know I'm gay prematurely before I'm ready is
equivalent to a death sentence to me.
	"Yeah, fuck that! The whole college will know what you are
tomorrow. Fuck you!  That's why you wanted to help me all this while. You
have dirty perverted reasons! Stupid homo!" with that he barged out of my
room, slammed my door so hard that it shook my room and out into the porch
within second. He sped away into the dawning morn, leaving my shattered
self behind.

	I heard doors unlocked and footsteps heading to my room. Oh great!
That's what I need! Both my father and mother stood by my room's door. My
sister was still asleep, thankfully. "What the hell is that?" my mom
inquired, louder than necessary. Shit, they must've heard Brennan
screaming. I was about to explain sorry that I'm gay shit, but was stopped
by my father's question, "I heard a loud bang coming from your room? Are
you all right?" I've never been so relieved in my life before. So they
haven't heard the commotion between Brennan and I. So they didn't know I'm
gay. "Nothing Dad, must be the wind, I'm pretty sleepy, if you'll excuse
me, I'll like to sleep," I answered, trying to sound as normal as possible
despite my mooring anguish.
	"But we heard a car sped away..."
	"Please, Ma, I'm trying to get some sleep, must be some drunk peeps
outside driving recklessly. Just GO out! I need to sleep!" I almost
screamed.
	My parents knew something was up. They didn't ask anymore. They
closed my door and left me, alone. I waited a few minutes before letting my
guard down. Tears flowed down in a strong current, my nose wet and my
sobbing muffled by the pillow I pressed on my face. That's it. Game over. I
screwed up big time. For the first time in my life, I know how it felt like
wanting to attempt a suicide.

	God... help me...


END of chapter 1.