Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 14:16:28 -0400
From: -- -- <piornet@hotmail.com>
Subject: "What Was Missing..."

Story is copyright Anthony D. Roberts, all rights reserved, can't be copied
without written consent, blahblahblah.  Any questions or comments (comments
very welcome), please email me at piornet@hotmail.com.  Enjoy!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


What Was Missing...
-------------------

I glanced back at the TV nervously.  It was "teen night" on Jeopardy there
were two older boys and a young woman, all very unattractive competing for
some scholarship.  I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.  I
looked back outside, the snow fell a little harder now, lit up by the
forty-year old Christmas lights my landlord insists on putting up.  I
checked the clock on the wall, it was a quarter to eight.  I chewed on my
tongue.  I got up and paced around the room a bit more, checking to make
sure I had everything straightened up and looking good enough to impress
Mike.

I walked over the simulated-woodgrain shelf that held a cheaply framed
photograph of Mike and I, arm-in-arm.  My mind drifted back to high school
once again.  We had gone to school in a small town, and had become friends
halfway through our freshman year.  Our friendship grew steadily, leading
to a phase in our lives where we told everyone we were brothers, even
though we looked nothing alike.  We did a good job of convincing people
too, those who didn't know us that is.  We had a few arguments, a few bouts
of mutual silent treatment -- but for the most part we were closer than
closer can be.  When he left for college in August, we made simple goodbyes
with a few "Take care's, "I'll write's, and a long hug...but nothing that
really gave our true friendship the respect it deserved.  I had since taken
up a full time job and tried to force the relationship with my girlfriend,
Julie, to get closer than was really possible, and we broke up because of
it.  Looking back on it now, I realize it was to try and fill the gap that
Mike had created when he left.  He was such an integral part of my life for
so long, then suddenly he wasn't there anymore.  I didn't have anyone to
hang around with, I didn't have anyone to share my feelings with, I didn't
have anyone period after he went away.

I was snapped out of my daze by the long-awaited knock at the door.  I
immediately replaced the photo and stepped over to the door.  I didn't
bother to glance through the peephole, I just unchained and unbolted the
door and opened it to see the large figure of Mike standing there in front
of me, smiling at me with obvious love and gratitude to be seeing me.  He
stepped through the doorway, dropped his bags, and immediately wrapped his
arms around me to give me a tight hug.  Through his padded black parka, it
was hard to actually feel his body but I squeezed tight enough to do so.
Being taller than me, his shoulders reached up to my mouth, and the aroma
of his cologne -- whatever it was -- filled my nose.  We broke our embrace
and stood smiling at one another.  "Pete!  It's great to see ya buddy, how
the hell ya been?", he said in his normal New York accent.  "Great Mike,
how've you been?"  I lied.  I always lie when people ask me how I am.
Because if you tell them that you're not okay, then they always show mock
concern and ask what's wrong...which prompts you to give them a short
version and you feel like you're whining.  No, "Great" is the response I
give, no matter what.

"Oh, I've been alright I guess.  Finals and all, they fuckin' suck man."
"I wouldn't know", I chuckled as I shut the door, then turned to give him a
smile.  While our friends went off to college, I decided to stay out for a
year.  I barely made it through high school, and I wasn't about to spend
loan money on a school that I knew I'd fuck up at.  So instead I got a full
time job as an assistant manager at a local pancake house.  $12 an hour,
enough to pay for rent, gas, and food (combined with the check my father
sends me, that is).

He laughed.  "No, I guess you wouldn't." he said with a grin.  "You're not
missin' anything, let me tell ya."  I grinned back at him.  "Hey, take your
coat off.  Get comfortable."  I started to help him with his coat.  He slid
out of it and handed it to me with a "thanks".  I placed it on the hook
which hung from the back of the door, on top of my own jacket.  The few
flakes of snow from it got my hand wet, I rubbed my hands together to dry
them.

He turned to look around my living room.  "Hey, nice place bud.  I like it.
How much do you pay a month?"  "$450.  Yeah, it's not bad...it gets a
little drafty, and it's hot as a bitch in the summer time...but it's okay I
guess.  It's home."  He nodded.  "Yeah.  You should see my dorm room, it
makes this place look like the fuckin' grand hotel.  Fuckin' cockroaches
the size of your fist, man.  I swear, I got in a goddamn fistfight with one
on my way out today.  I think he wanted the shirt I was packin'."  We both
laughed.  Mike's sense of exaggeration always made me laugh.  He had the
ability to take bad situations, no matter what they were, and make them
funny.

"You got somewhere I can put this?"  He picked up his bag.  It was new,
black, and nylon.  It looked like it was designed more for books than
clothes -- but clothes is what it held.  "Yeah, lemme put it in the
bedroom."  "Okay," and he handed it to me.  I walked down the hallway,
entered my dark room, and placed the bag next to my dresser.  As I walked
back in to the main room, I asked "Want a drink, Mike?"  He was standing in
the middle of the room where I had left him, looking almost uneasy,
glancing at the TV (which had now moved into Final Jeopardy).  He turned
and looked at me "Oh!  Yeah, that'd be nice.  I haven't had anything to
drink since I left school."  I nodded and went to the kitchen (more like a
partially-sectioned off part of the living room).  "How was your trip?"  He
turned back from the TV to me again, and sat down on the couch.  "Oh
fuckin' freakazoids as usual.  I hate the damn bus.  I sat beside some guy
who kept touching my arm and talking to himself.  Weirdos as usual.  There
was also some guy up near the front who was trying to convert the entire
bus to Jehovah's Witnesses.  I hated it."  I giggled and handed him his
drink.  Mountain Dew, one cube of ice -- his favorite.  "But it's good to
see you again."  "Yeah" I responded, and smiled at him.  "You hungry?"  "No
man, I had some chips on the bus."

We sat on the couch, he kicked his shoes off.  I turned the television down
and we talked about life.  He told me about college, about his classes,
about the girl he met.  Her name was Ilene, and she was from some foreign
country that he forgot.  She had black eyes, dark hair, and long straight
jet-black hair according to his description of her.  They had apparently
dated twice, made out on the first date -- oral sex on the second.  He must
have liked her, if he went out on a second date.

Classes were going well for him, he was having a little bit of problems in
some math class he was taking.  Didn't surprise me, math was our worst
subject.  Always had been.  He asked me about my life, and how Julie was.
I told him that we broke up.  He expressed mock condolences.  Mock because
I knew he never liked her.  She wasn't very intelligent, and never treated
him well.  She always got pissed off because I spent more time with Mike
than with her.  He asked about work.  I told him work was fine, a little
hectic and that I had an asshole boss who was impossible to please, but
other than that it was okay.  He nodded.  "Any girls you interested in?",
he asked.  "Yeah, there's a girl at work who's kinda nice."  "What's she
like?"  I thought about it for a moment.  I hadn't much considered her, but
out of all the girls at work she was the only one who actually caught my
attention.  "Well, her name is Sarah."  "Oooh, Sarah.  I dated a girl named
Sarah once, remember her?"  "...Oh yeah!  I do!  God, whatever happened to
her?"  "Hell if I know, last I heard she was in New York City.  Anyway,
what else?"  "Oh, well, she's about 5'6" I guess, medium build, short
bobbed hair -- a little lighter than yours.  Uh, she's about 17 I guess."
He raised an eyebrow and gave me an evil little smile. "Oooooh...going for
fresh meat, huh?" he chuckled a bit.  I grinned, "Yeah, I guess so."

We continued talking for a long while, when our conversation was
interrupted by an uncontrollable yawn from an obviously very tired Mike.  I
smiled, it was a sweet sight to see him yawn -- a large tanned muscular
young man being so boyish and vulnerable.  "Tired dude?"  "Yeah, I've been
on the road all day, and I had to get up early to pack.  I nodded.  "Okay,
lemme get your stuff.  He yawned an acknowledgement, and I got up to go to
the closet.  I returned with a pillow, a sheet, and a blanket.  He got up
and pulled off his shirt -- a nice fashionable gift he got from his mom
last Christmas.  He stripped down to his boxers as I made up his bed on the
couch.  I turned and looked at him.  My heart skipped a beat.  He was 20, a
year older than me, and stood about 6'2", three inches taller than me.  His
hair was a beautiful sandy blond, cut in a shorter bobbed style.  His
chest, arms, and legs all had lightly tanned well defined muscles.  He was
mostly hairless, save for some light brown hair on his calves.  His eyes, a
beautiful shade of blue, glinted when he gave his gorgeous dumb-looking
toothy grin.  He sat down on the couch.

"What time do you hafta be at work tomorrow?" he asked.  "Nine."  He
nodded.  "Just go ahead and sleep in, knowing you you probably won't be up
until I get home anyway."  We both grinned.  "What time do you get off?"
"Around 5, I'm usually home around 5:15."  "9 to 5, huh?" he said with a
grin, obviously remembering the song.  "Yeah yeah yeah, fuck off," I
giggled.  "Anyway, when you get up you can just relax around here and do
whatever.  There's some pizza in the fridge if you want."  "Okay dude,
night.  Love ya".  I smiled, it'd been a long time since I heard him say
that.  It warmed me inside.  "Love ya too", I beamed.  On my way through
the hallway I flicked off the lights to the living room, shrouding
everything in darkness.  I stumbled into my room, undressed, checked my
alarm, and climbed into my cold bed.  I thought of him in the next room, I
fantasized about going in there and taking him into my arms, holding him
close to me and never letting go.  My mind reviewed an assortment of
memories of Mike and I, and I finally drifted off to sleep thinking of him.

I woke up to the loud buzzing of my alarm clock the next morning, I
negotiated with the SNOOZE bar a few times, eventually lost and got up to
face the day.  I stumbled naked into the shower as I always do, climbed in,
and bathed myself off for work.  I dressed in my cheap dress clothes.  The
boss wants us to try and look like we're a class business, rather than the
cheap dirty restaurant that we really are.  I went to the kitchen to fix
myself some breakfast.  As I stood eating, I stared at Mike lying on my
couch.  He had a muscular arm lying on the armrest above his head, and his
hair was ruffled -- making him look even more appealing.  His face held a
blank expression, and a bit of his chest could be seen under the blanket.
I finished my meal and went off to work.

Work was as hectic and as boring as usual.  Around one o'clock I had the
chef make me a chicken sandwich, and ate it over my break while looking at
last week's Sunday newspaper -- again.  I got off work at the regular time,
clocked out, and drove home through the dark and drizzly night as usual.
When I got home Mike was sitting on the couch eating some Cheez-it's and
watching TV.  He looked up and gave me a big smile as I walked through the
door.  "Hey Pete, how's work?"  "Ugh, dull as fuck.", I tiredly replied as
I started to take off my coat.  "No, let's go out and get some dinner, I'm
starved.", he interrupted.  I thought for a minute, I was too actually.
"Okay."  I pulled my coat back over my shoulders.  He stood up and got his
coat from the hook, and put it on.  I turned off the TV and opened the door
for him.  We went to a Friendly's, which was everything but.  We chatted
more about things, this time over spaghetti.  "It sucks you can't come home
with me." he said with a slight frown.  "Yeah, but everyone's either going
to take off for Christmas or call in sick -- so I gotta be there.  The boss
won't let me go."  He nodded.  "Dickhead."  "What time is your bus back to
Alexandria?"  "Leaves at ten."  I nodded and checked my watch.  6:38.  "I
wish we had more time, I've really missed you."  He smiled at me, "I've
missed you too man, I think about you all the time."  "Really?", I asked.
I smiled broadly.  It feels good to hear that you're thought of.  "Yeah,
like at night when I'm studying, or just lying in bed...I really think a
lot, about all the fun we had."  I nodded.  "Me too."  He smiled.  We
finished our meal and sat and talked for awhile, debating dessert.  We
decided against it, and finally left at almost eight.  We got back to my
apartment, and chatted some more.  At nine fifteen, Mike decided he better
pack up.  "I'm sorry you can't stay more Mike."  "Me too, but my mom wants
me home right away, she misses me I guess.  If I had the money I'd stop
back on the way to see you."  He frowned.  I nodded.  "Maybe we can get
together over spring break or something, maybe go to the beach if I get
some time off and money."  "Okay", he grinned.

He packed up his things, and at 9:30 he put on his coat to walk to the bus
station that was on the corner of my block.  "Dude, would you let me walk
you down to the station please?", I asked.  "Nope.  You know how I feel
about that."  I nodded.  "Still, I wish you'd let me.  I hate for you to
walk down there by yourself.  "Pete!  Sheez man, it's just down to the
corner, just about seventy feet down the sidewalk.  It's no biggy."  "I
know" I said sadly.  Mike had some funny quarks.  He didn't like to have
anyone wait for him or go in with him to airports or bus stations.  He felt
it was a hassle for the person and an insult to his pride to have anyone
wait on him like that.  I never understood it.

We went outside, I walked him down the steps to the sidewalk.  "Call me
man, let me hear how you're doin'.", he said, stumbling for words.  "Okay,
I'll call sometime when you get back to school."  We hugged, but didn't let
go.  As we had each other in our arms, he said through tears "You take care
of yourself now, don't let anything happen to you."  The sound of him
crying made me do the same.  My eyes welled up with tears.  I paused to try
and regain my composure.  It didn't work.  "Okay, I will.  You too."

My throat hurt.

     We broke our embrace, yet held on to each other's shoulders.  We
stared into each other's eyes.  His beautiful blue eyes glinted with the
reflection of the Christmas lights, and the rims of them were pink and damp
with the tears.  I looked deeply into them, they seemed to go right into
his soul.  He looked deeply into mine.  He started in closer towards me, I
did the same to him.  Our faces met where our noses were almost touching.
He slowly tilted his head and placed his soft lips over mine.  My heart
seemed to melt, and I wrapped my arms around me.  He kissed me...the words
don't even give it credit.  We held each other, eyes closed, and we just
fell into this kiss.  His tongue softly explored my mouth, mine softly
explored his...we were wrapped into one, one being.  Years of love flowing
through to each other purely and unconditionally.  I felt his warmth,
breathed his breath, held him tightly in my arms as we connected in honest,
true, love.

We reluctantly separated.  His face was pink and blushed, and his lips were
now a damp ruby red.  He gave me a warm smile, and we stared into each
other's eyes for a long moment.  All he said was "Be good Pete, I love
you."

All I could say was "You too Mike, I love you too."  He nodded and picked
up his bag, and turned to walk down the street.

I watched him walk away, I was floating.  It hit me, all of a sudden, from
no where I realized: I love him, he's been the only person in my life that
I was in love with.  And I loved him with everything that I was.  Without
him there really was no me, I wasn't complete without him in my life.  All
this time I'd been searching for love, when it was right in front of me
this whole time.

As he continued down the sidewalk, it started snowing again.