Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 15:58:02 EDT From: AustSwim@aol.com Subject: Where are you now - part 3 Okay, I'm re-writing the blurb up here to give y'all (can you tell I'm from Texas?) a better idea of what I'm trying to do. Like I mentioned before this story is based on events from my life. Not everything happened the way it was described here, but the general categories such as a crappy high school life, the hustling, and some of the others stuff in the other parts did really happen. I guess it's the outcome where I'll take some liberty to fabricate a more desirable ending. Also, there will be some sex as you'll see in this installment, but not like you'd expect. If you want a good jack-off story, I'd try one of the other authors on nifty. Hey, I'm not knocking it - hell, I do that on a daily basis. :) I have gotten some emails commenting on how the shifting time focus in time is a bit confusing. Well, the only thing I'm trying do there is really highlight some of the major differences in personality that came about in 8 years. You see the character in 1995 and wonder how the hell he got that way, which this story was initially about. However, it became important for me to describe what had happened to make this character within the specific environment of high school. I think it's just more powerful that way. Anyway, the usual disclaimer: if you shouldn't be reading this, don't and if you are anyway, you have been warned. I'll take any feedback at austswim@aol.com ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -1995- My lips are slick with spit and my mouth tastes like denture glue. James's mouth presses down on mine with no care for form or decorum. He's just devouring my mouth in his. "Mmmrph... ooooh...mrrphmf," he pants with his weight me pushing me into the bed. "You're so good." My legs are hooked into his arms and he pushes my knees into my chest. Clumsily his 63-year old cock hunts for my hole. I reach around my legs and grab his cock and guide it into me. This causes him to raise his face from mine leaving a long line of drool tenuously connecting our mouths. "Oh, James, fuck me! Fuck me, daddy!" I groan seductively getting into the part as I feel his dick slide into me. "Oh yes...oh my god, yes....ugh...uuuh...yes," he continues to wail. James isn't much of a talker. He mostly groans and says the usual shit most guys do when they're getting laid. You know, "oh yeah", "yes", moans, grunts, and a few fucks peppered in here and there. James figures that as his age all his energy should be focused on enjoying the sensation of his cock inside my ass while he tries to remember his lover who's been dead for the past 11 years. His rocking motion of his pelvis into mine is jerky and jarring. The arthritis in his legs and his bad back keep him from fully pushing into me. Regardless I focus and try and my make ass muscles clench tightly around it. I know that my line work hasn't left me with the tightest piece of ass, but I've learned that if you work at it, you can learn to control those muscles just like the muscles in your hand. "Oh, daddy, fuck me harder," I groan louder knowing that that's what his lover used to say. "Ahhhh, fuuuuuck," I add faking that he's getting me close to cumming. The truth is I'm far from cumming, but if I have to, I can cum on demand. "Ugggh, yesssss....yessss," croons James picking up the tempo of his spastic I'm leading him towards the edge. I start to thrash some, not too much or I might sending him flying off the bed towards another hip replacement surgery. The spittle connecting us finally breaks and lands mostly on my cheek. Gross, huh? Not really. As you can imagine I've had worse stuff on my face. "Ooooooh! Oooooh! Oooooh! Yes!" screams James. And it's not just any scream. Have you ever heard an old man scream when he's blowing his load? Let me tell you, it's not like the sex with someone who's in his 20's or 30's. The older men that I've had the privilege of servicing are just like James. They yell and carry on like it's the end of the world. The first time I did a prime-timer I treated him like he was just another regular guy. That turned out to be a mistake. By the time I had him cumming I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. Now I'm more careful. Instead of giving them 1000mg of Carlos, I give them much more manageable Shit! Here he goes. I squeeze my sphincter as tight as I can while I grip his arms and throw my head back in feigned ecstasy. I time my load to coincide with his and spray the flabby flesh of his stomach with my cum. "Oh, gawd....Oh gawd....Oh gawd...", I moan softer and softer, bringing him down from the sexual high. He goes limp against me and I take his full weight with my legs. I feel his dick plop out of my ass and I transfer his body from legs to my arms. He's completely spent - almost in a catatonic state. This is pretty normal for James, though, so there's no need to worry. I lay him down on his bed and clean him up with a wash cloth that he had already prepared by the side of the bed. He just lays there smiling and not moving. There's no cuddling or shared afterglow with James. When it's over it's over. I smirk to myself, "You may be 63, James, but you are still just like a man." I go to the bathroom, clean up, and flush the condom down the toilet. While I'm cleaning up I notice the pictures on the bathroom counter-top. They're the same ones from before but this time I decide to take a closer look. There's this one picture frame made up of 4 smaller frames. Each square contains a picture. The top two are yellowed and creased with time and wear. The top right picture depicts two good-looking guys smiling and holding each other by the waist in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I can tell the one of the right with the full head of black hair (Wow, he did have hair at one time in his life.) is James. Oh, it's James alright. There's no way mistaking that nose. The guy on the left has lighter hair and is a bit shorter than James. It must have been his lover, Tom. Man, Tom was hot: built, attractive, and even in a black and white photograph you could tell those were some intense eyes. The other 3 pictures show them at later points in their life. Age just tramped right over them with no mercy, but despite that they looked as much in love in the later pictures as the did in the one with the Eiffel Tower. Lucky for them. At least they had each other for a while. "Tom? Tom! Stop that!" I hear James giggling in his sleep from out in the bedroom. He must be dreaming about his dead lover again. The past couple of times James has gotten so into the fantasy of doing his ex-lover that when he passes out of exhaustion the fantasy carries over into his sleep. "It's not fair," I think ruefully. "Even the old guy gets a break in his dreams." I get dressed and grab my stuff and pause in front of the picture. I rip the backing off the frame and yank out the Eiffel Tower picture and stuff it in my backpack. Once in the bedroom I walk over to the nightstand take an envelope out of the drawer. I count to make sure that all the money is there before leaving James sound asleep enjoying his dream. I get home after making Harold's deposit at the bank. It turned out he wasn't mad at me about my run in at the bar with Carl, the man with the dirty cock. Harold prefers to broker the guys out for jobs himself. He doesn't like it when his clients and his hustlers go behind his back to hook up. That would leave him without making his fee. I take the old picture out of my backpack and stare at it for a long time. "If things had gone differently, could this have been me with Cal? Maybe me and anyone else?" I consider to myself. My body shakes with a small laugh as I try and imagine Cal and I at the Eiffel Tower. We'd probably would have argued about who was going to pay the photographer or something stupid before finally managing to settle down for the picture. I'd actually never really thought of me in a romantic relationship with anyone else besides Cal. There have been a couple of guys who've come along and taken me on dates and stuff, but either they've never measured up or they just ended up being assholes looking to get laid. After the first few guys and disappointments, I decided to give up trying to look for Cal's replacement. That is until the other night at the bar. Fuck! I should have known better! My reverie is broken by the alarm clock. Damn, I had been awake staring at this picture till 7 o'clock in the morning. I realize I'm dying to take a piss so I get up and walk to the bathroom with the picture still in my hand. As I piss I stare at it some more marveling how the happiness in the picture seems so tangible and alive in my hands. It must have been awesome for James and Tom. I let out a tired sigh. "There's no way this is gonna be me," I say to no one in particular and force the image of Cal and myself out of my head. I drop the picture into the toilet and don't bother to see if flush out with the water. -1987- Even under water I can still hear him "No! No! It's pull, kick, breath, and glide! Not pull, breath, kick, and glide!" shouts Cal from the side of the pool. "Come on! You were doing the breast stroke just fine last week!" "Ok, ok...pull, kick, breath, and glide," I chant over and over as I try and make it to the other side of the pool with the breast stroke. Sheesh, he can be a slave driver sometimes! "That's it! You got it now! Keep going!" he yells standing in the shallow end of the pool. "Ok, now bring it back and let's take a break. Remember: pull, kick, breath, and glide." I reach the deep end of the pool and turn around to do the last length of my workout. Cal's pool is really cool. It's totally enclosed and the water isn't like what you would find at other swimming pools. It hardly has any chlorine because of some new fangled filtration system and the temperature is a nice and cool 74 degrees all year around. "Gawd...<pant> ... fuck...ugh...<pant> you are ....ugh an....asshole," I say dragging my body out over the edge of the pool. "Give me....ugh...break." I roll over on back and stare at the ceiling while I try and catch my breath. "Hey, come on. You got the stroke technique down for the most part. Now, it's time to push you on distance and speed. We've gotta get your endurance up and work out those back muscles." I put my hand up pretending to fend off some invisible attacker, "Please, .....spare me..... the endurance spiel..... till I get my lungs back." I turn and look at him after a catching my breath and say, " I don't think I'm cut out for anything more than just a lazy swim across an inflatable pool." Cal hauls himself out of the pool laughing and sits next to me. "Give yourself some credit, dude. You just did a 500- yard workout. You've come along way since we first started with learning how to tread water. Look," he says pointing at my bare chest, "you're even starting to develop some muscles on those bones of yours." It's true. Since I've started swimming, I've begun to notice some tiny bit of bulk on my skinny frame. Not everywhere, but mostly on my arms, chest, and back. My mom has to buy me medium sized t-shirts because I can't fit into the small sized ones anymore. "So what do you want to do now?" he asks. "I dunno. You got anything going on tonight with Yvette or with your family?" I ask about his girlfriend. "Nah, Yvette is too busy with her dad being in the hospital to do anything lately. And, my folks are out at some pathology convention till Thursday, so it's just me and you if you want to do anything. What about you, do you and Anna have anything planned?" "Nope, I'm in the same boat. Anna's out doing church stuff and my parents are who knows where tonight," I say sitting up and toweling my hair. "So I guess it is just us, huh?" "Yeah," he says automatically like he wasn't even paying attention. I stop drying my hair and look at him, "Yeah? Don't sound so enthused for my sake." I start to think that maybe he was trying to get rid of me. Maybe my nickel ride with him was over for the afternoon. Catching my meaning in what I said he shook his head and responds, "Sorry.. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you feel unwelcome. It's just that you said something that reminded of something that happened today. It just caught me off guard." "Well," I probe further, "what was that?" He looks at me for a second and then pulls himself up. "Let's go inside and cook something for dinner, ok? Call your mom and tell her you'll be eating here." "That sounds good." As he was got up I notice something. Just like me he was sitting there in his swim trunks, but the main difference is that he's got a much nicer body than I do. While I'm skin and bones with a pimply face, he's got a decent build to him and a much smoother complexion. But, what I really notice is how his legs and back muscles move under his skin while getting up. It's ...sexy. And, you know what, this is the first time I really notice that. I mean REALLY notice. My face gets hot and flush and my breathing becomes a bit more strained. Oh, and guess who decides to wake up? Shit! I got excited looking at him! And his neck! Oh my god, his neck is like the perfect place for you to suck on. Right there beneath his chin and next to his adams apple. "Whoa!" I thought to myself. "What the fuck is going on? Ok, so I know I love him, but now I'm like in lust with him?" I just never thought of making that connection. I know that most of you are saying - Well what did you expect? You're gay! But the fact is that up till this point I had just wanted to be with Cal, to talk to him, to hold him, and to just spend time with him. This is the first time body and hormones decide to throw in their 2 cents worth. I guess that when you're like in love with someone you naturally want to express that love to them. Like I said, though, I just hadn't made that connection yet. "Yo, dude, hurry up. I'm hungry," he said breaking me out of my thoughts. I take the towel I'm using and wrap it around my waist. I follow him in hoping that he wouldn't notice boner outlined underneath my shorts and towel. Hoping to deflate my dick, I ask him about what he mentioned outside. "So, what do you mean when you said I reminded you of something that happened today?" "Oh, it was nothing," he says hunting through cabinets and fishing out the stuff to make spaghetti. "Uh, it didn't seem like it was nothing to you. Come on, what's up?" I ask as I tear open the spaghetti package. Sensing that I wasn't going to let up, he looks at me, "Ok, remember when Becky tripped you this morning at the wall?" "Yeah. How can I forget? It was so much fun!" I droll. Not catching the joke I made he says, "Yeah, well I was going to get up and help you, but I didn't." I stop what I'm doing and look at him. My curiosity piqued, I prompt him to go on, "Yeah, I kinda noticed that." "Well apparently you weren't the only one who noticed. Anna talked to me after lunch today and basically chewed my ass out for it," he says solemnly. I just stand there stunned and mutter, "What?" "Yeah, she came and found me at the wall when you guys came back from lunch and laid into me about what I lousy friend I've been to you recently." "Oh god, Cal, I'm sorry..." I start to say. "No, don't apologize. She's right. I have been a lousy friend to you lately. I haven't stood up for you when it mattered. Like, for instance I should have said or done something this morning to show you...to prove to you that you are my friend. That being my friend means something." "Wow, what else did she say," I ask afraid to hear what else she's said. I'm hoping that this doesn't strain my friendship with him. (God, I'm neurotic.) "She also mentioned that if I was really your friend that I wouldn't be hanging out with Claudia and company at school or anywhere else. That I should also be strong enough and man enough to stand by you even if it means I become less popular in the future." I look away from him and down at the counter. On the one hand I'm pissed at Anna for doing this and meddling with my friendship with Cal, but on the other hand, I had to give it to her. She had the balls to ask the very same questions I had been to chicken shit to ask. "So, I guess in a way she asking you to choose between me and them." "Yup, that's exactly she asking," he says quietly. I lift my head up at him and thinking that I'm going to lose this contest I say, "Cal, listen. You don't have...." "Stop it," he says cutting me off. "Look, I'm going to tell you some things about me I'm not proud of. Things that I haven't told anyone else." He pauses and closes his eyes. I realize that this is going to be some heavy shit when he adds, "Fuck, I'm so scared to tell you." "Oooooookay," I reply not really knowing what else to say. He opens his eyes and looks directly at me. "Carlos, you're so much stronger than me. And I'm not talking physically. You...you've gone through so much shit and taken so much abuse from everyone and yet you still manage to hang in there everyday. I look at you sometimes and just wonder how you do it. And that strength I see in you is something I envy. It's something I wish I had." Ok, I'm thoroughly confused now. I'm amazed to be hearing this from him but I'm not really sure where this is going. "Uh...thanks, but what does this have to do with anything?" I can tell he's getting more nervous as he closes his eyes again and continues, "Do you remember when all of a sudden I started hanging out with some of the G/T class a couple of months ago? Well, it ...it didn't just happen. It was ...arranged. One day, Yvette gets this invitation from Becky. It' an invite for Yvette and I to go to one of Saturday night G/T parties. I really didn't want to go, but Yvette insisted. I didn't want to tell you because I thought you'd be hurt. "Anyway, we get there and it's an ok party. Yvette and I are having our fun just like the other couples when Becky and Claudia pull us aside. They tell me that Yvette and I can continue to go G/T parties, sit with the rest of the popular crowd at the football games, and get to do all the cool activities if we agree to drop you as a friend stone cold." My heart drops to my feet and my paranoia goes into overdrive. "Oh," is all I manage to say but in my mind I'm screaming, "Oh my god." Everything that I had imagined about him spying on me for them is coming true. I suddenly don't want to be here thinking I'm the biggest fool that ever lived. He opens his eyes after hearing the disappointment in my voice, "Wait. I ... I need to tell you the rest. Please, I've come this far." I nod my head in approval. "At first I kept saying that I didn't want to have anything to do with that. I told them that I refused to treat anyone like that, especially you. But, then Yvette just chimed in. It turns out that she was really liking the whole scene - being at the party, talking to the popular people, blah blah blah and said that we would seriously consider it." By this point I can't look at him and I turn around and face the wall. It's amazing! We'd gone from having such an awesome time in the pool just 10 minutes ago to this. "And, what happened after that? What did you decide to do?" I ask wanting to know the whole story. Even though it isn't looking good, I deserve to know the truth. "Well, you've noticed that you and I don't go on double dates much anymore and that lately whenever you and I hang out it's always when Yvette is busy doing something else, haven't you?" "Uh not really, but now that you mention it, yes." I reply holding on to the kitchen counter for dear life. I still couldn't bear to look at him. Shit, this is where he drops me. "Well that's cause she sold out and she's been putting so much pressure on me to do the same. That's why I've been hanging out with them at the wall and doing stuff with them." Then, pausing a bit his voice then takes on shameful tone, "And, that's ...uh, oh god...that's why I didn't help you today." I don't say anything. I'm pissed, humiliated, and hurt. My breath becomes ragged and my eyes tear up. Damn! I try and order myself not to cry. I can't breakdown and cry. Damnit, I'm stronger than this! "Carlos, you have to know that Yvette and I fought about this like crazy," he adds emphatically. "She wouldn't give up and I kept on telling her that I wouldn't give YOU up!" He pauses. Then I hear him take a deep breath and let it out as a ragged sigh. He continues, "So, we... um... made a compromise: I would go with her to all the events that Claudia and Becky invited us to and I agreed to spend less time with you at school. In return I get to spend as much time with you as I can outside of school - like today." It's no use. I start crying harder as the trickle of tears turn into heaves and sobs. As much I had thought about it (Cal actually following through with some semblance of my neurotic fantasies), I never would have thought it would actually happen. Anyone! Anyone else would have been ok! Anyone else I can handle, but not Cal. He finally turned on me. I try to hold back the sobs trying to choke my voice but it's no use and through clenched teeth I say, "Don't do me any fucking favors!" And, you know, it's not just Cal. It's Yvette. Even though I've been more concerned about Cal possibly turning on me more than anyone else, her betrayal is really hitting me hard. I thought she was my friend! I mean, goddamnit, Anna and I went out on double dates with her! We've been hanging out since sophomore year and now this? Fuck, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and let me tell you - physically, it's like I can feel it. I sense Cal come closer behind me. I get the impression of his hand reaching for me, but he doesn't quite connect. He whispers, "Carlos?...Carlos?" His voice begins to crack, "Carlos, ... I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, but you have to know I've fought Yvette every single day about this. Just know that I never gave you up." "Never gave up on me, huh?" I say turning around to look at him not caring how bad I look. I'm just too pissed to care. "How about lying to me. Let's look at that. And let's see how you did with that one." Ok, I know he's anguished about this and I can tell he's close to breaking down like I have. But, fuck, he's gonna have to answer me. I have some serious questions and I'm gonna finally get the answers. "What are you talking about?" he replies. "Remember the other night? The night I got in from the dance? You'd gone on and on how your hanging out with THEM was nothing; that I had nothing to worry about. Yet, look at you now. How the fuck do you think I feel?" I say gesturing to myself. "You're supposed to my best friend and yet you're like having to make deals behind my back to be with me when THEY think it's appropriate. You say they don't dictate your actions? Bullshit. Just look at what happened this morning. You let them get to you. You just watched while I was laying on the floor being laughed at." I'm really going now. His eyes brim over with tears, " I swear I never ever wanted to hurt you, but look at it from my perspective. I was stuck between my girlfriend and my best friend. I was so confused. I...I didn't know what to do. Any which way I decided to go I ended up hurting someone I cared about. So, I tried. I mean I really, really tried to keep you both, but after I today I don't know if I can." He begins to weep openly, "I loved both of you just as much as I did the other. And I can't...I can't do this anymore. I'm not as strong as you." He crouches to the floor crying. "I don't have your strength to stand up to them or to Yvette." My eyes widen and my mouth drops. Did he just say he loved me? Yeah, I think he did. Well, wait a minute, he said he loved me as in past tense. "You loved me?" I murmur. What the fuck does that mean? I guess he didn't hear me because he tries to regain his composure and continues, "Ok, so I didn't help you today. I admit I let you down, but please, please believe me I wanted so badly to go over and pick you up. But, I was just so scared, you know? I was scared of what they might have told Yvette. I guess you're right - I'm just a pushover." I throw my head back and close my eyes. So much is going through my head: Cal's lies, Yvette stabbing me in the back, Cal's praise of me, Cal on the floor crying (something I had never seen him do), and most of all Cal's phrase: 'I loved you both.' I look back down at him and see him crying, to ashamed to look at me. I'd never seen him like this before - so weak, so vulnerable. It's funny. I've always cast him as the stronger one. I'm the one that always went to him. What do I do? What do I do with him now? What's really important here? Is my love for him still there? In an instant I know the answers. I crouch down next to him on the floor and place my hand on his arm, "Cal...Cal get up. Come on. Let's go to your room" In a daze but still crying Cal follows me to his room down the hall. I'm pretty much over crying. I'm still hurt but I realize I have to take charge right now. This time I have to take care of him. We get to his room and I lead him to sit on his bed while I take the desk chair and place directly opposite him. I take my time and let his crying die out. "I'm sorry," he finally says looking anywhere but me. Sighing I reply, "You should be." But not wanting to make this a counterproductive conversation I quickly add, "Look, let me tell what's up. I'm hurt and I'm mad. But, I'm still here. However, I'm not gonna lie to you and say everything's cool. Cause it's not. But I gotta tell you. I can't take anymore lies. I can't stand knowing that you have to make special deals behind my back to be with me." "I understand," he says. Then my stomach clenches with the question I know I have to ask. "I have to ask you something, though. What did you mean... when you said you loved us both? Are you saying you don't anymore?" "No, that's not what I meant. I just meant I couldn't go on feeling like I was forced to choose between both of you." He turns his face away from me and continues, "And to be honest, I'm not sure if I lov... er, care for Yvette much anymore. I don't like the way she's turning out - you know, grabbing the limelight at your expense. And it's not been easy seeing her change from the girl I used to live to this other person. She's become shallow and what she wants out of life isn't what I want." I lean forward and put my hand on his shoulder in sympathy, "I'm sorry." I have been so wrapped up in my emotions and my need that I hadn't realize what this situation was doing to him. Of course, I didn't know what the scoop was until now. He looks back at me and smiles apprehensively, "How'd you end up comforting me?" With a somber face I reply, "Well that's what friends are for." I regretted it as soon as I had said it. I know I want to drill that concept into his head, but I know now he's been struggling with it enough already. I don't want him to shut down and stop talking to me now that I have gotten him to open up. He hangs his head and repeats for the umpteenth time that he's sorry. Bringing him back to the subject at hand I ask, "So, let me ask you, what are you going to do about Yvette?" "I guess I'm gonna break up with her." "Now, I don't want you doing this if this not what you want. I'm not going to pressure you into still being my friend or doing something your heart's not into. I won't be like Claudia and Co." "No, you're not like them at all. After all this shit, I know who's more important in my life - you. Someone who tries to pick my friends and who has no problem stepping all over other people to get what they want is not someone I wan to be with, especially a girlfriend." "Ok," I say. My heart begins to find its way back up from my feet. I can't help but begin to smile. He stands up and adds, "I just want to let you know too that if I seem down and sad it has nothing to do with you. I'm just dealing with the fact that my relationship with Yvette is over. You see, despite the person she is now, I'm still going to miss what we had and who she was. I loved her and for a while she was the really great person," he says with some dejection. Gawd, I know what he means about people changing. Isn't this what Anna might feel when she finally gets to know that I'm in love with a guy? I think that qualifies as a major change in character. Fuck! What the hell is it gonna do to her? "Ok," I say standing up as well trying to shake off those gloomy thoughts. Now we're both standing a few feet from each other. It's one of those compelling, silent moments that refuses to pass without it making its mark in my personal history. I close the distance between us and I pull him into a hug. My actions feel so fluid and slow. It's like that one compelling moment is trying to stretch out to eternity. He's a little surprised at first (as I am), but he relaxes and allows himself to be held. Oh god, he feels so good and so right especially after what we've gone through. He holds me for a couple of more seconds and then drops his arms to his side. Not pulling all the way back he looks me in the eye for the first time since he stopped crying. His hazel eyes are red and puffy while a tentative smile plays tries to appear on his face, "Thanks." "Thanks for what?" I reply still looking in his eyes. "Thanks for the hug. Thanks for still being here especially after what I have told you. And, thanks for being my friend." He then looks down at his feet. "Um, Carlos, you have to know that you mean so much to me. I know I've never told you that before, but you have to know how important you are in my life." Ok, now my heart is going a billion miles an hour and instead of being down somewhere near my feet like it was a few minutes ago. It's now threatening to take me soaring through the roof. "Wow, I guess...you're welcome," I say in astonishment My eyes are just huge with shock. Doh! How stupid of me! He tells me something like that and all I can say is "I guess you're welcome?" Ugh, I'm an idiot. He quickly looks back at me and I can sense him tense a bit. I can tell he thinks he's freaking me out so he starts to back away. "Um, you want to go get something to eat now?" he asks. "Yeah, sure," I say, but before he starts to walk away from me I grab him by the arm. "Wait. I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me too." He turns to me. With his smile back he says, "I'm glad to know that." "Good." I respond. Oh wow! This is has been one of hell of a ride this afternoon. But, not wanting to drag this afternoon down with any more heavy shit I jokingly add, "Ok, let's get me some food! After that workout you gave me I could eat a horse!" We spend the rest of the evening making dinner, eating, talking, and watching tv. It's different this time, though, from the other times that I had been with him. I feel so much closer to him than before. I now know where I stand with him at last and he knows what he means to me. Not everything was said tonight that needed to be said but tonight was a start. It's still nerve wracking for me, though. I keep trying to remind myself not to read too much into our conversation and to be too presumptuous. Just because he told me he cares about me and that he was going to break-up with Yvette doesn't mean he's ready to have a full-blown relationship with me. You see? My paranoia has some good qualities to it. It can keep me in check and from making an ass of myself. -1995- My body is pumped and physically soaring as I'm coming down towards the shallow end of one of the university pools. I have just finished a 3,000 yard work out and doing my last length of my cool down. I love swimming. It's amazing what it can do for you. It's this total body workout with no stress on the joints and a great way to get some excellent cardiovascular exercise. This along with a steady regimen of weights and proper turned my skinny frame that used to have 8 years ago into a very attractive and toned body. An added benefit to this workout regimen is the way that it helped me get rid of my acne. I still think that my pimples were caused by all the stress I had to go through when I was younger. Now, my face is clear with just a few scars left to remind me of what I used to look like. I finish my swim and head to the locker rooms to shower. In there I have no problem taking off my clothes and showering with the other guys. I remember when it used to kill me to even think of getting naked with guys who were built like these others. Now that I'm one of them it doesn't bother me one bit. When I get back to my locker I notice the same guy who was there when I first got back from the pool to get my shower stuff. He's still here after my 15 minute shower? Hmmmm...my instincts tell me something's up. As I dry myself with my towel and get my stuff out of my locker I get a closer look at this guy. He's about 24 years old, about 5'11 inches tall with dark brown almost black hair, beautiful blue eyes, and nice frame. I can tell he's stalling; working up the guts to say something to me. You know how those awkward first impressions things go. Except I'm not really up for this. I just want to go home and relax with a good book. "Hey, how's it going," he asks as I slip on my shorts. He makes me jump slightly and I blush "Er, uh, hi," I say. "I'm Jeff," he say reaching to shake my hand. As mine hand reaches for his I knock over his bag and his stuff all falls out on the floor. "Shit," I mutter to myself in embarrassment. "Here let me help you," I say nervously picking up his stuff and handing it to him. Damn, why can't I just go home? "Don't worry. It's ok. I got it," he says. "I'm sorry about that," I say. "Listen, I know this weird, but would you like to have some coffee?" he asks me while stuffing his clothes back in his bag. "I know how this looks but I've been wanting to talk you since I first saw you this semester. I just didn't have the nerve to come up to you before." I blush again and marvel at his frankness. "Well, you're nothing but blunt, if you don't mind me saying." Grinning he adds, "Yeah that's me." He stops and freezes for a second. "Um, you don't mind do you? I mean about the coffee too?" Inwardly I sigh. Shit! Another guy, another let down. "No, not at all." "Good," he grins back. "So, you want to meet me at Starbucks in say 30 minutes?" "Sure," I say hoping he'd leave if I said yes. He exclaims excitedly, "Oh, cool. I'll be there. Let me let you get dressed and while I put my stuff in my car. Thanks!" I smile and blush; greatful that he's finally leaving, "Sure, no problem." "Ok, see you there." He says grinning from ear to ear. Jeez what's up with this one I ask myself. I finish getting dressed and head the opposite direction of Starbucks making a mental note not to swim at this pool at this time ever again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A special thanks to my editors John and Romeo! Hey, any comments? Send them on to austswim@aol.com Thanks!