Date: Mon, 7 Sep 2015 09:14:28 -0500
From: Hector Adame <austswim@aol.com>
Subject: Where-Are-You-Now Chapter 9

This is an ongoing story that has been placed in the high school and
college section of nifty.  Please include from below this line in the
story.  Thanks again for your support.

Yeah, it's been a while.  I had a few weeks off from work where I could do
things I had put off for a while - laundry, cleaning out the garage,
donating clothes to goodwill, and now this story.  I'm still here.  I'm
still alive.  No, this story is nowhere near over.  I can be reached still
at austswim@aol.com

Let me know what you think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it the sun?

Is it the moon?

I don't give a fuck.  My head hurts and my neck feels like it's in a vice
grip.  I just want to keep my eyes closed to keep that fucking light out.
Fuck!

"Come on.  Open your eyes, buddy...," says the light.  "Come on, guy, wake
up."

Who the fuck is that?  Am I at home?  Am I late for my first period?  Dad,
Is that you?

"That's it, buddy, wake up.  I know it hurts but you gotta open your eyes
for me," the voice says.  It sounds like my dad.  Deep voice but for once
he doesn't sound pissed.

My ass is wet.  No.  Wait.  It's sticky.  I start to freak out.  Did I shit
the bed?  Then I start to realize that my back, legs, and arms are all
sticky as well.  What the hell is going on?  Now I want to wake up cause
all I want to do is make sure that I didn't mess the bed, and to go take a
shower.

"There you go, dude.  Come on.  Wake up..." says the hunky voice.

The light keep flashing side to side making me want to puke.  "Stop that,"
I said or it at least that's what it was supposed to sound like.  I thought
he would laugh me talking to a light but I quickly realized it was a pen
light.

"How you feeling?  Headache?  Any place else hurt," he asked while holding
my wrist.

Why is he holding my hand.

"Pulse is good.  Strong.  Steady.  Pupils are reacting," he said
mechanically.

"Is he making sense?  Can he talk?," a somewhat familiar voice spoke.

"Yeah, but we're going to want to take him in and check him out.  He'll
need a CT Scan and maybe an MRI just to make sure he doesn't have a
concussion or a bleed," responded the sexy voice that was paired to the
hand holding my wrist.

"What's going on," I said finally being able to focus on the guy in front
of me.  He is wearing a uniform.  EMT.

From above the other familiar voice, "Mr. Garza.  We keep running into each
other.  Though it shouldn't come a surprise to find you here in this place
knowing what you do.  Though, at least dancing for dollars isn't something
I can haul you in for."

"What's going on," I respond while trying to get up.

The EMT hand quickly comes to my chest firmly, "Easy guy.  Let me help you
up."

The skin on my back, legs, and arms start to crack.  It feels like I have
been dipped in honey and left out to dry in the sun.  I look down to my
body and realize that I'm in a thong and that's it.

Then it call comes back.  The bar.  Dancing.  Ian.  Then Jeff showing up.
Running upstairs...  It all just hits at once.

I peek around the detective and that's when the switch in my head gets
flipped.  My memory comes back and I realize that there's more than just a
detective and an EMT in the upstairs office with me.

"Welcome back, Garza," says the detective.  It was more of a way to get my
attention than anything else.

Behind him people were working around the body I found hanging when I ran
upstairs to get changed so that I could go run after Jeff.  One person was
taking pictures while another was marking spots around the office with
little orange plastic tape.

"Who was your friend," asked the detective.  Straight to the point.

"I.. I don't know," I said

"Don't fuck with me, Garza.  Who was your friend?!"

"I don't know!  Ok!?  It was dark when I came up here to change and I
slipped and fell!  I haven't even seen who this is!," I said in a rush.

The detective yanked me by the shoulders over to where the body was still
hanging from the ceiling.  "Sanders, get us some light," he said to the guy
taking pictures.  "Munoz, will someone go see if there's a light bulb you
can screw in to the socket.  It looks like someone smashed the one in the
fixture.  I can't see a fucking thing in this place."

The photographer, Sanders, points his camera's light at the body.  It was
the black guy from before.  He had gone first when we were getting ready to
dance.  His eyes were open but not like normal.  They were bulging like
they were marbles about to fall out of gumball machine.

It got worse from there.  Everything from his neck down was... open.
Things that should have been tucked away inside were now outside.  I
started to retch and I managed to pull my arm free from the detective's
grip and take a few steps back.

"He was one of the dancers that was dancing tonight, but I honestly do not
know who he is," I say heaving gulps of air which only made things worse.

"He's hyperventilating," says the EMT.

"I don't give a fuck!" said the detective.

"Well he can't be of much help talking if he's gasping for air," snapped
back the EMT.  "We may be used to these things, but he's not."

The detective glared back but relented, "Maybe this," he says gesturing
behind to the body behind him, "but he is used to 'other kinds' of things
we aren't.  I'd have thought he would have the stomach for this."

"Whatever, man!" spat back the EMT.  "Have a fucking clue.  And, before you
go thinking he had anything to do with this I doubt he would be able to
give himself a concussion like this on purpose."

"Just make sure he's gonna live.  Leave the rest to me, ok" he shouted back
to the EMT.

"Garza, where were you an hour ago...," the detective started to say before
turning back to a man who had been studying the dead dancer's corpse,
"What's the time of death, Pritchard?"

Pritchard must be the ME.  "The liver temped out showing that he's been
dead for a little over an hour," he responded not stopping the rest of his
examination.

"So where were you an hour ago, Garza?" asked the detective.

"I was downstairs dancing," I said.  "On the far bar.  Ask anyone," I
added.

The detective looked up at some other police officers who had managed to
get up the stairs into the cramped room.  His look must have been a silent
question to them.

"That checks out, sir.  The bartender and other patrons we have questioned
all said the same thing.  He danced at least until 11:30pm," said one of
them.

The ME piped up, "He was dead way before that, detective."

I hadn't realized what was happening until the ME spoke up.  He actually
thought it was me that did this.  What an asshole.

The detective looked back at me and sighed, "I don't know what kind of shit
follows you Garza, but if you're not careful, you're gonna land right in
it."

"What do you want me to do," I said not knowing what else he wanted from
me.

"Believe it or not - not end up dead.  I don't like what you do.  I don't
like what you are, but that's your shit.  I'd just assume you stay alive
and save me the paperwork.  Now get out of here," he said before turning to
the EMT, "unless you think he needs to go to the hospital."

The EMT looked at me and not at the detective, "You should go get checked
out.  I'm not kidding when I said I think you got a concussion.  You should
have get a CT Scan."

"I'm... I'm fine," I whispered back.

"Come on, man.  You really should get checked out."

The detective had moved on from me and was now talking to the police
officers that had just come up from downstairs.  So, it was just me and the
EMT for the moment in our little corner of this hell.

"I can't... I don't have insurance and there's no way I could pay for any
of that.  I'll be fine," I added.

"Is there anyone you can go home with?  Anyone that can make sure to check
on you for the next 24 to 36 hours and make sure that you wake up," asked
the EMT?

Ian!  Oh my god, I had forgotten about Ian.  He was here tonight as
well. Fuck!  What if something happened to him!?

"Yes.  I came with someone tonight.  He was another one of the dancers.  I
have to find him," I said panicked and starting to look for my things.  I
was still only wearing my thong and the blanket I had been given by the
EMT.  "Where's my stuff?"

I looked around and couldn't find my backpack where I had left it.  I
turned back and found that it had been placed in a clear plastic bag along
with other things from the room in their own plastic bags.

I went over to the back started reaching for it, "Can I have my stuff?"

"Sorry kid," said the other officer.  "It's been tagged as evidence."

"Evidence?!"  I yelled frustrated that I wasn't able to get to finding Ian.
"They just told you I had nothing to do with this.  I just found him up
here like that," I said gesturing back to the body and not bothering to
look back.  I didn't want to risk actually puking this time.

"Yes, we heard, but the person who did do this could have touched your
stuff, left some prints, or left any kind of DNA evidence that could help
catch him.  We'll do the best to get your wallet and money back to you
tomorrow," responded the officer.

"Including my clothes?!" I stood there with the police officer realizing
that I'm covered only my thong and some other guy's blood

"Sorry, guy." he shrugs and goes back to reviewing notes with his partner.

As I moved past the officers who were standing near the top the stairs the
detective hollered back, "Garza, take care of yourself and don't leave
town."  He gestured to the officer that said I couldn't take my clothes,
"Take him down and let the others know he is good to go."

I bounded down the stairs and found the club mostly empty and weird.  It
was all lit up.  The darkness that masked the ugly, dirty walls and floors
were was gone.  The beefy bartenders and bouncers looked normal and human.
They no longer held the sway over the gay men who came in here to get away.
They were all hanging by the main bar off the main dance floor along with
the bar manager.  There were about 15 guys all being questioned by a police
officer or waiting to be questioned before being released.

"Jimenez," the officer behind me yelled out in the nearly empty dance
floor, "this guy here is good to go."

One of the uniformed guys turned and took one look at me and gave a look
questioning whether or not the requesting officer had taken a leave of his
senses.

Before Officer Jimenez could speak his thoughts the officer behind me
added, "If you guys are done searching the bar area you can let him clean
himself some with a bar rag and some water.  And, see if they don't have
any lost and found or some other shirts he could wear."

Jimenez nodded and motioned me to join him with the rest of the group.
"Come on, guy, let's see what they got here."

I walked over and joined the rest of the group of bar employees and they
all just stared at me open mouthed.

"Carlos, right?" asked one of the bartenders.  He was actually the
bartender on whose bar I danced on tonight.

"Yeah." I said.

"What the fuck happened, man?  No one is telling us anything!" he said
grabbing my upper arm and then quickly releasing it realizing he'd grabbed
onto a crusty, bloody arm.  "Shit, dude, what happened to you?"

I quickly recounted what I knew and he led me around behind the bar station
so that I could clean myself up with the water from the bar sink and some
bar rags.  The gaze of the other employees watched as I cleaned up while I
told the rest of what I knew.

"Aww shit," said one of the barbacks.  "I really liked Jerome."

Some of the other guys started to huddle around him while I finished
getting cleaned up.

"Here, Carlos," the bartender said as he tossed me a large t-shirt that had
the bar logo and name on it.  "You can have this shirt.  It's extra large
so that you can get some coverage.  We don't have any pants or shorts or
even an extra coat."

"What happened to the patrons and the other dancers," I asked while putting
on the t-shirt.

"I think they're outside.  Street's blocked off and they aren't letting
people go right away.," he responded.  The rest of the employees had gone
back to just talking to themselves.

"What about Ian?  Do you know where he is?," I asked pointedly.

"I dunno.  I guess he's outside.  I really didn't see anything once the
cops stopped the music and turned on the lights," he said.  "I sent one of
the bar-backs to get some more $1's from the safe upstairs and he was still
dancing on the other bar.... I think... I dunno, dude, this is all so
fucked up."

"The bar-back?" I asked.

"Yeah, he's the one that I guess called the cops or something.  He never
came back with my change.  The safe is where you guys go change for your
shows." he added.

"And you think Ian was still dancing then..." I started to ask again.

"Dude!  I don't know!  I told you... it's just a fucking blur!" he said
exasperated.

I paused for a second.  My words hung there for a bit between my brain and
my mouth wanting to come out.  They didn't.  "Thanks for the t-shirt."

I went for the entrance and left the rest of the employees back at the bar
to be questioned.  I had to find Ian.  I had to make sure he was ok.

Outside was a mess.  Police cars, barricades, people in different pockets
and groups surrounded by at least 2 uniformed policemen.  Giant floodlights
lit up the street.  Some were from TV news vans that had sidled up to the
barricades.  The rest of the bright lights were either from the police cars
and the interview lights.  Two white tents had been setup for what looked
like a command center or some interviewing.

One of the uniformed police officers came towards me and started to tell me
to fall in line with his group of people.  I then realized that they must
have been the bar patrons that were being detained and questioned.

"He's good to go, Charlie," said a voice from behind.  "He's been cleared."
It was Jimenez.  He must have followed me out.

The other officer nodded and stepped back to let me pass.  "Don't catch a
cold," he smirked.

I start walking away from him.  I wasn't sure where I was going to go.  I
didn't have my keys or my wallet.  These asshole police officers could have
at least given me a ride home.  I'm sure if I had been some girl stripper,
I would have gotten the royal treatment.  Instead - I look down realizing
I'm still barefoot - I'm walking home half naked in the cold.

The bar patrons still being questioned and held who before were eager to
give me money so that they could catch a flash of my cock or grab my ass
were now looking at me with pity and suspicion.  I could hear them
whispering - well not so much whispering as just out right talking about me
like I wasn't there.

"Do you think he did it... nah, that wouldn't let him go... He's not all
that in the light... he's hot... I'd like to have him barefoot and
bare-chested... "  I heard all of these comments.  It's not like they were
trying to not let me hear them.  I just slowly kept walking gingerly
through the wet, cold slush to cross the street.  I just didn't want to
look at anybody.  I just want to get home as fast I could which in this
case would be at least an hour's walk.

The wind didn't help especially with the flimsy t-shirt.  It swirled up my
legs and shriveled my cock in the thong i was wearing.  You wouldn't have
believed looking me now that I was a dancer making money by waving my junk
in guy's faces.

I was almost to the other side of the street from the bar so I could start
walking home when someone grabbed my arm.

"Hey!"

Startled I snapped my head up and found myself looking directly into Jeff's
eyes.

"Jeff..." I stammered

"Are you alright," he said loosening his grip but still hanging to my
forearm.

"I'm ok considering," I responded looking indicating the way I was dressed.

He glanced down and sighed.  I wasn't sure if he was still angry.  "Listen,
Carlos, I don't know what's going on, ok?  This whole night's been all
sorts of fucked up.  You and me.  The dancing.  The cops.  You standing out
here like this in the cold.  Part of me says to just run as far away as I
can from this - from you."

I held his gaze not because I was hurt or angry but because I was going to
look him in the eye as he let me go.  "Fine.  I understand..."

"No, you don't understand," he cut me off sternly.  "I'm not even sure I
understand," he said less harshly.

"Just let me go," I said trying to send both meanings - my arm and me.

"No."

I stood there and just looked him in the eye.  Wondering if he meant it.  A
shiver overtook my body.  The wind and the temperature finally overtook my
lessening adrenaline and I started to feel the cold.

"Here," Jeff said shrugging himself out of his jacket.  "Take it.  I've got
layers on more than you to keep me warm, but don't go anywhere.  Let me get
through here.  I'm not sure what the cops want but I don't think it will
take much longer."

I grabbed the jacket and kept his gaze with as much pride as I could
muster.  I hated taking it from him.  I don't need him but I still put the
thing on.

"Carlos, don't be that way," he said catching my look.  "Just wait for me.
As a matter of fact," he said reaching into his pants pocket, "take my car
keys.  I'm parked two blocks down that way," he said pointing down the
street.  "Wait for me in the car and in the trunk is my gym bag and you can
put on my track pants."

"Ok."  I said grabbing his keys.  I was grateful and at the same time
hating that I really needed his help.

I started to walk away, "Carlos, please be there when I get done here."  I
guess he could tell what was going through my head.

"Ok," I said and then turned and to walk in the direction of the car.

I managed to make it to the car without paying attention to the people
looking my way and ducking past the media that had been circling around the
barricades.  I looked down and my feet were shriveled and turning blue from
standing and walking in the snow.  The grime and dirt was starting to get
under my toenails by the time I got to the car.

I clicked open the trunk with the keyless remote and found Jeff's bag.
Thank god he had has shower sandals and towel from training at the college
pool.  I put on his track pants and that's when I realized how cold my ass
and legs were.  The lining in his pants felt silky smooth and started to
warm my skin.  Except for the shower sandals I now looked like a normal
human being.

I was about to get in the car resigning myself to finally sit down with
Jeff about tonight. How much more I would say or how I would say it was
something I was contemplating when I heard my name called.

"Carlos!"

I turned around and looked in the direction I had come and saw Ian running
towards me.

"Dude!  Thank the fuck gawd," he said as he grabbed me in a bear hug.  "Oh
thank god you're alright."  He smelled sweaty and musky - probably from the
dancing.  His hand ran up my back to my neck to cup my head in his hand and
he turned to bury his face in my neck and sobbed, "I was so scared you were
gone."

"I'm ok. You?  How'd you get out?  How'd you get your clothes?" I asked as
he held on tightly.

"I'm good now that I found you," he said taking a step back and giving me a
once over.  "And, you look like you just stepped out of the Goodwill."

"Yeah, the cops wouldn't let me get my clothes.  I'm borrowing these from
someone who was at the bar tonight.  This is his car," I said gesturing to
Jeff's car.  "How'd you get yours?"

"I got mine earlier in the night after my first dance and moved them to
behind the first bar.  Lee is a friend of mine and one of the bartenders.
When the lights came up and the cops showed up I hopped down and grabbed my
backpack and got dressed."

"Lucky you," I said.  "The cops got my stuff and won't let me have them
until tomorrow.  Keys, wallet, money, clothes, even shoes," I said lifting
my foot to show him my bare foot in Jeff's shower sandals.

"That sucks," he said.  "Hey, if you need a place to stay you can come home
with me and we can go by..."

"He's with me."

Ian and I jumped and looked over to see Jeff walking towards us.

"Jeff," I said somewhat startled.  "You're done," It came out more like a
statement of surprise rather than a question.

"Yeah," he said cautiously eyeing Ian.  "I see you found my workout gear,"
he said turning to me.

"Uh, yeah..." I flipped my hand to the back of my head and slid it down my
neck nervously, "thanks."

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend here?" he responded
pointedly.

Ian stiffened noticeably at that and gave me a look as if to ask me how to
respond.  I guess he wasn't sure if Jeff was one of my regulars.

We all stood still for a second not saying anything.  Ian looking unsure
ready to pounce or run with whatever story I came up with.  Jeff arms
crossed with all if any patience he had left gone.  And, me there with my
mouth hanging open.

"Well, are you going to tell me what's going on..."

~~~~~~ 1987~~~~~~~

"Hey, what's going on!?

"Oh my gawd!  You look so cute, Andrea!" squeals Anna as she hugs this girl
that had tapped her on the shoulder from behind.  She would have to have
done that to get Anna's attention.  The dance decorations and the food and
the music and anything else to do with the dance was completely taking all
of her attention.

"Thanks!" squeals Andrea in return.  "You look super cute too."  Andrea
spins around to look at the room, "Wow, look at this place!  You did a
really good job making this place look awesome!"

"Well it wasn't all just me," says Anna grabbing me by the arm.  "I had
some help and of course my Carlitos here helped as well.  Speaking of -
Carlos this is Andrea.  She is a friend of mine from elementary school."

"Very nice to meet you," says Andrea reaching to shake my hand.  She turns
to Anna and adds, "He's so handsome!"

"Nice to meet you too," I respond while Anna giggles.

"Now this boy is mine," Anna laughs back.  "Your guy will be coming soon,
right Carlos?"  she says looking at me expectantly.

Andrea really seems nice.  She's light skinned and with shoulder length
raven colored hair and doe colored eyes.  Politeness and class exuded from
her like a perfume complimenting her stylish yet simple dress.  Despite all
this I hated her.  I am jealous as hell and it's going to be a shitty night
trying to hide it.

"He said he was coming," I stated flatly.  I had called Cal after I talked
with Anna the night she told me about this plan of setting him up with
someone - Andrea it appears.

"What's he like," asks Andrea.  "Is he cute?  What does he like?"

"Well he's..." starts Anna before I cut her off.

"His name is Cal and he just broke up with someone.  He's really trying to
take things easy after the breakup and really isn't looking for anything or
anyone for awhile." I blurt out a little too tersely.

Anna and Andrea look a little taken aback.  Anna quickly recovers and gives
me this look like I'm going to hear about this in a bit.  She turns back to
Andrea, "Don't listen to him.  Yes, he just broke up with this horrible
girl, but all we're trying to do is get him out and cheer him up."

"Ok," says Andrea but she's giving me this look that makes me nervous.
"That's what I thought you said.  I'm not going to do anything, Carlos,"
she says smiling and I could tell that she meant it.  Now I feel like an
asshole.  "I just want to know who I'm meeting tonight."

"Sorry, I didn't mean..." I start to say.

Reaching out to gently touch my arm, "Yes.  I know.  You're a good friend."

I look down embarrassed yet still thinking to myself this girl would be
some serious competition for my Cal.  I'd lose.

"Why don't I go see if they have set out some punch and I'll bring us
some," I say trying to get out of this... whatever it is I'm feeling -
jealousy, fear - anxiousness.  "Would you like some?

"That's so nice of you," says Anna giving me a kiss on the cheek.  "Go do
that while I talk with Andrea."

I smile as I get away and looking back I still seem to be getting a look
for Andrea.  It's not mean or malicious.  It's something I can't put my
finger on just yet.

The punch is all the way across the room.  It's still early on in the night
and not many kids have made it down to the church basement to dance the
night away under the main part of the church.  A few adults are scattered
about acting as chaperones but they are too busy talking to each other this
early on.

I pour out a few glasses of punch with the ladle while making small talk
one of the lady chaperones who was guarding the punch bowl.  This may be a
church dance but I don't think the adults were taking any chances something
alcoholic made it into the punch bowl.

"Hey."

I jump and turn around to see Cal standing behind me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump," he says.  Gawd he looks so
handsome in his jeans and blue polo shirt.  I'm standing there a moment
still holding the ladle in my hand marveling at how this boy is mine.

"Hey, hey, hey..." snaps the lady behind me.  "Don't spill that on the
floor or you're going to spend tonight cleaning it up."

"Oh!  Oops.  Sorry about that" I say returning the ladle to the punch bowl.
I smile at the lady as if to add how sorry I was.

"When did you get here?" I say turning back to Cal.  I so want to reach
over and hug him and bury my face in his shirt just to smell him and feel
him fill me up with love.

I can tell Cal senses I want to do but quickly looks around and over my to
shoulder to the punch lady," I got here about 20 minutes ago."

"Twenty minutes ago??  Where have you been?  Anna I have been here for an
hour so she can finish up on the decorations." I say.

"I know.  I saw you when I walked in."

"Why didn't you come by and say hello," I frown while walking away from the
table to a more secluded place on the dance floor.

Cal follows, "Don't be mad."

"Don't be mad?" I repeat a bit confused.  "Why would I be mad."

Struggling to say something Cal sputters, "I well... I invited someone..."

"Who'd you invite?" my chest tightens.

"Yvette," he says looking down to the floor.

"What?  Why!?  Why would you do that?  I'm already on edge having to
introduce you to Andrea while being here with Anna.  You're my boyfriend
for fucks sake!"  I heatedly whisper trying to get myself under control.
"And now you're telling me you invited her?!"

"I had no choice, ok? She called me this morning to talk about everything
and it just came out that I was coming here tonight," he said shrugging his
shoulders.  "She got pissed and said she was coming whether I invited her
or not, ok?  What was I supposed to do?"

I close my eyes and grimace, "When is she going to be here and does she
know that you're hear to meet someone new?"

He doesn't answer me right away.  He just stares at me and I can see the
angst written all over his face.  "I do love you, Carlos.  I know this
sucks.  Trust me.  I know how much this fucking sucks."

I soften a bit and open my eyes to look at him.  I'm still holding two
paper cups full of red punch.  "I love you too."

"Hey, we're thirsty over here!" says Anna walking over with Andrea to join
us.  "Hey, Cal, when did you get here?  Oh, Cal, this is Andrea.  Andrea
this is Cal."

I hand over the punch to Anna and Andrea.  Anna puts her arm in mine while
Andrea shakes hands with Cal.

"I've heard so much about you, Cal," she says.

Cal smiles back, "Wow... uhm ok.  Well it's nice to meet you."

Anna laughs, "Don't worry, Cal, it's all been good."

"Well now that's not entirely true," adds Andrea looking back at Cal.  "I
know about your recent breakup and don't worry.  I'm not here to be
anything else than to hang out with friends and have a good time."

"Well that's good to know.  I wouldn't want my baby to think its father had
abandoned us for someone else before it was even born."

We all turn around and see Yvette standing behind us hands on hip looking
like she's ready for a fight.  She's staring right at Andrea.

"Baby?" says Anna looking at Cal and then at me.  "What's she talking
about?"

"Oh?  Didn't your boyfriend tell you Anna?  I thought you two were so
committed to each other that he told you everything," smirks Yvette.  "I'm
pregnant with Cal's baby.  And, no one," she says looking at Andrea and
then at me, "is going to take my baby's father away."

Andrea and Anna are just stunned.  I'm speechless.  Cal looks... gawd... he
looks defeated.  Done.

"Now, how about a dance," she says to Cal grabbing his hand.  "I may be
pregnant but I can still work to some music."

----1995----

"So where'd you learn to dance like that?  I thought you said you hated
dancing," says Jeff while sipping coffee at my kitchen table.

I am standing in my living room towel drying my hair while in my boxers.
Jeff had driven me and Ian to my apartment so that I could shower.  Even
though I didn't have my keys I was able to get into my apartment by asking
the apartment manager on the property to give me her spare key.  She was
freaked out at first when I told her what happened and somewhat skeptical.
She probably thought I had gone out and done something stupid like most 20
somethings do, but then she turned on the news and saw the early morning
local news show and she gladly gave me the key.  She said to keep it until
I got my stuff back from the police.

"I do... but..." I said dropping the towel over the chair in the living
room.

"Don't but me, Carlos.  Just tell me what's going on," he says gesturing
with hands like he's had enough.  "Please," he adds a little more
soothingly.

I take the chair opposite him and straddle it; hugging the back of the
chair to my bare chest.  Ian is picking at the chipped coffee mug that I
gave him to drink his coffee.  I guess he doesn't know what to do or say.
He's leaving it up to me.

I turn my face into my arm and sigh into my skin.  I'm tired of lying.
It's just too much work.  And, I'm beginning to remember how much of a
bitch it was to keep things straight - who knows what and what version of
the truth.

"Take your time.  I've got all night... well morning now," says Jeff
looking out the window to the grey morning light.

I turn back to look him squarely in the eye, "I'm an escort.  That's what I
do to make money to put myself through school."  I shoot Ian a quick look.
He looks somewhat relieved.  At least he now knows the rules of the game.

"An escort," repeats Jeff.

"Yeah, an escort," I answer.  "A guy who has sex for money," I add to put a
fine point on it.

"I know what an escort is, Carlos," he says sitting up and rubbing his hand
down over his face.  "What I don't understand is why are you an escort.
What does your family think about this?  What about your future? Aren't you
worried what could happen?  Shit look at what happened tonight!"

"My family doesn't know, ok?  They don't even know where I am.  And, that's
they way they want it," I say looking at him pointedly.  "It was their
decision.  And my future, you better believe I worry about my future.  I'm
trying to get an education the best way I can."

"But, escorting?  Maybe if your parents knew, they'd understand," responds
Jeff.

"No.  They wouldn't, Jeff.  Listen.  You're lucky - blessed even.  Your
parents accept you and love you for who you are.  No questions asked.  Not
everyone is so lucky, ok?" I add glancing over at Ian.

"Yeah, not everyone has it so easy, dude," adds Ian.  "Some of us were
kicked out when our parents found out we're gay."

Jeff looks quickly at Ian a bit annoyed but thinks twice for sniping back.
"Ok. I get it.  I'm sorry, but escorting?  Do you know how dangerous that
is?  Never mind the wacko out there killing guys like you two, but what
would happen if the cops caught you.  Your teaching career would be over
before it ever started," he says pleadingly.  "A police record is going to
be hard to explain on a job application."

"I know this, Jeff," I respond getting up to pad barefoot over to get more
coffee.  At this point I'm beyond being mad trying to explain my situation
to anyone.  It is what it is.  It feels so good not pretending anymore that
I'm not mad at these questions.

"Well, if you know this why are you still doing this," Jeff asks standing
up to stand next to me while I pour my coffee.

"To get ahead in life.  To get an education.  To keep a roof over my head.
To have food to eat," I start to list out all the bare necessities anyone
would need to have and pay for with a regular job.

"Yeah I get that, but, couldn't you work at a coffee shop or a grocery
store?  Hell why not just be a bartender at the bar?"

"Jeff, do you know how much I would have to work at one of those jobs to
pay for tuition, books, food, and this tiny, shitty apartment?  I would
never be able to finish school or even afford it.  Besides, I don't do it
everyday.  It's just enough to make ends meet," I say walking back to the
table to sit.

Jeff turns and leans back against the kitchen counter, "I just don't
understand..."

"And you won't.  And, I hope you never do," says Ian jumping in.  "Look.  I
know this is between you and Carlos.  It was his choice to tell you about
himself, but you don't know what it's like and you're right.  You won't
understand."

Jeff drops his arms and rolls his eyes in exasperation, "Not to be mean,
but I'm not really concerned about you."

"That's not very..." I start say now having something to be pissed about.

"No no no... Carlos, he's right and he's being honest," he says raising his
hand motioning me to sit back down.  "I can handle this," he adds.  He
turns back to look at Jeff, "I get it.  You're concerned about Carlos.  I
am too.  I'm his friend."

"You're concerned?" Jeff asks skeptically.  "If you're so concerned why are
you letting him do this?  He's gonna get arrested or even worse - killed.
You see what the hell is going on out there," he adds gesturing to the
outside.

"Jeff!" I say losing my patience.  "He doesn't make my decisions for me.  I
don't ask Ian for his opinion about my decisions.  And, he nor anyone else
pays my bills or is responsible for me.  Got it?!  So, if you want to talk
about what I do for a living or question any other decision, then you talk
to me."

Ian and Jeff stay quiet for a second letting my message sink in.  Jeff
kicks at the floor with his shoe still leaning back against my kitchen
counter while Ian cradles his coffee.

With a heavy sigh Jeff pushes off from the counter and comes back to sit
down at the table.  "Carlos, I like you.  I like you a lot.  All this - the
dancing, the escort business, the shit that went down at the bar - that's a
lot for anyone to take in.  You gotta admit that.  I'm trying here.  I'm
trying to understand.  Why you?"

He reaches to grab my wrist gently and rubs his thumb on the top of my
hand.  He really is sincere.  He's just a little out of his element.  I
steal a quick glance over at Ian.  He's still silent after my outburst, but
I know he cares too.  Yet, I realize again that they couldn't be any more
different.

With Ian I remember the sex we had and how nice and right that felt.  There
were no questions.  There were no judgement.  Jeff, though, he's the normal
world.  The world that could be or that should have been.  Family.
Acceptance of another kind.  I just don't know if I could ever find a path
to that now.

"It's my lot in life.  It is what it is.  I don't enjoy what I do, but it's
what I have to do," I say to Jeff grasping his hand.  "I was mess tonight.
I'm going to be a mess probably for while.  I still haven't really
processed what happened tonight and all the things I saw."

"What did you see," asks Ian still holding his coffee cup.

I recounted everything to Ian and Jeff - from the moment I got back up the
stairs to walking outside half naked.  Ian went white upon hearing what had
happened to his friend while Jeff's face grew hot and determined.  I think
up until now I had been so focused on how I was going to get home and get
warm and then dealing with Jeff that I had suppressed slipping in a puddle
of someone else's blood and seeing their mutilated body.  Suddenly I felt
really cold and I started to shake.

"You ok?" they both ask in unison.

"Yeah I just think I'm beginning to feel how tired I am," I say.  "I'm
going to have to go lie down in a bit."

"You're shaking," says Jeff.  "Do you want me to stay with you.?"  All the
heat had dropped from his face.

"I.. I'll be ok," I stammer.

"No more lies, Carlos," Jeff responds.  "I may not understand any of this
and by no means are we done talking, but I still care about you.  I don't
think that you should be alone tonight."

"I agree," adds Ian.  "I'm pretty wiped myself so I can stay here too if
you want."  Glancing quickly at Jeff he adds, "On the couch of course.  I
can... we can help you get your stuff from the police later today if they
are done with it."

"Fine," I say.  Truth be told I'd rather be with people rather than alone
thinking about tonight.

"Let me go get my gym bag from the car," says Jeff getting up from the
table with this keys.

"Ok,"

Walking out the door Jeff gives me a few minutes with Ian.  I had gotten up
to lock the door.  All of sudden I'm beginning to feel a little less safe
than a few minutes.  Ian walks up behind and pulls me into him.

"Hey," he says into my hair.  "I know you're scared.  I'm scared too."

A shudder a little in his arms.

"Shhh... hey, it's ok.  We're here.  I'm here," he spins me around to face
him.  Our faces are inches apart.  He takes a quick gulp.  "I know you are
seeing Jeff and I know what you told him tonight took guts, but I want you
to know that I like you too.  I like you a lot.  And, yeah, that way." he
adds to make sure that I get what he's saying.

I look in his eyes and I think back to that time when things were
different.  When I was the one fighting for someone trying to hold everyone
back.  Cal, where did you go?