Date: Thu, 10 Oct 2002 10:30:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ron <alreadychosen06460@yahoo.com>
Subject: Who Would Have Thought chapter 4

This is a story about two college guys who fall for one another.  If you
are offended by two guys being in a relationship, having sex etc don't read
it.  If you are under 18 don't read it.  If it is illegal to read this in
your state, don't read it.

For those of you who can read this enjoy!
Who Would Have Thought
Chapter 4
By Already Chosen

From that point on, my friendship with Phoenix grew very, strong very fast.
We spent every free second we had with one another.  He became a part of my
family.  He spent every night of the week at my house and lived there all
weekend long.  My parents loved him, my brother loved him, and everyone
thought he was the most wonderful person they had ever met.  Most
importantly though, I loved him.  Every day I looked forward to his arrival
at the house.  It was nice.  We didn't even have to talk; it was like we
always knew what the other one was thinking.  We were no longer two I's, we
had become a we.

There was a problem with this though, we weren't together, we were just
best friends.  It was really hard for me.  Every night I sat there just
wanting to jump up and kiss him, hoping that he would want to kiss me back.
But, I knew how Phoenix was when it came to guys; if he wanted someone he
would go for it.  I knew that if he hadn't made a move on me yet, chances
were he wasn't interested.  So, there I sat frustrated as usual, but at the
same time somehow comforted at the fact that he was there with me.

Throughout those months I also got to know a lot more about what was going
on in Phoenix's head.  He had been a very troubled guy in the past.  From
outward appearances, he was very self-confident; I learned quickly that it
was all false bravado.  He was probably one of the most insecure people I
had ever met in my life.  He didn't grow up in what you would call a
perfect family.  From what he told me at the time, there was no love in his
house.  He was one of five children, his mother had a lot to deal with
taking care of all of them, and his father was never there.  He worked two
jobs to support the family.  Phoenix's parents were divorced a few years
before I met him.  He always said that there was no love between them,
which caused him in turn to not know how to love or be loved.  The strange
part about that was he loved his friends wholly, easily, and with no
strings attached.  When it came to having a "real" relationship though, he
was clueless and scared to death.

I think I was such a comfort to him because of the fact that I acted as a
pseudo-boyfriend, but he didn't have to worry about loving me back in that
way.  He was my protector in a lot of ways and I in turn protected him from
his feelings.  I got to know that he didn't like to deal with them.  He
would always bottle it up inside of him.  He never wanted to talk about it.
It got to the point where I could tell by the look on his face or the CD he
would put in while we were in the car that he was in a bad mood.  I always
had to ask him what was wrong.  Usually, he opened up, but he was always
guarded about it.  Needless to say, I was determined to completely scale
the wall around him and allow him to open up.  I was of the opinion that
was what he needed.  To this day, I don't know if I was right or wrong, but
at the time I went with it.

Eventually, our little "arrangement" started to take its toll on me.  I
found myself waking up every morning absolutely miserable.  I was
constantly worried about Phoenix and I was forgetting about my own
problems.  Mainly, the only thing I was really dealing with was the fact
that my parents didn't know I was gay.  I felt I needed to tell them, but
pushed my problems to the back of my mind because I had to worry about
Phoenix, or at least I thought I had to worry about Phoenix.  By this time,
Zoë and Phoenix had gotten really close as well.  Naturally she knew
what was going on in my head and she knew that the relationship dynamic
Phoenix and I had achieved was starting to drive me insane.  It got to the
point where the three of us were hanging out every night and after Phoenix
left; we would talk for hours about what I was going to do about him.  The
conversations never really focused on him or me; it was more about "us."  I
think that was the biggest problem.  I had lost myself in my newfound
friend.

After months of this going on Zoë got completely fed up.  We were in the
car and we decided once and for all that I had to fix what was going on.
The only way I was going to be able to do that was to verbalize everything
that was going on in my head.  We drove around for hours just talking about
it all.  We came to the realization that I needed to tell Phoenix that I
had feelings for him.  I was a nervous wreck about the idea of telling him
anything.  I didn't want to scare him off.  Eventually, the conversation
evolved into the idea that it would be a better idea if I tackled telling
my parents that I was gay before I told him I was in love with him.
Somehow I thought that I would have a better chance with Phoenix if he knew
that there would be no hiding.  So, it was decided the next day I would
tell my parents I was gay.

The morning came.  I had promised myself I was going to tell them a million
times before, but somehow this morning felt different.  I knew it was
actually going to happen that day.  I went through the motions of the day
trying as best I could not to think about it, but my mind wandered to
coming out all day long.  I was nervous, excited, nauseous; every possible
reaction my body could have had it did.  Finally the time came.  Phoenix
was going to be over late that night, he had something to do and I don't
remember what it was.  I sat down with my parents.  I must have had a look
of terror in my eyes because immediately they both looked totally concerned
for me.

"Adam what's wrong?" my Mom asked.

"Well," I started "I have been having some serious mental problems lately
and I know what I have to do to rid myself of them and it requires me
telling you and Dad something."

"What is it son?" my Dad interjected "You know you can tell us anything."

"Well, I'm gay."

They both looked at me in disbelief.  I was completely freaked.  I didn't
know whether to run and hide or just cry.  I opted for staying where I was
and letting them say something.  Slowly they both snapped out of their
daze.  They both began to speak at once, neither really sure of the words
they wanted to use.  Finally my mother spoke for both of them.  She told me
that they would always love me and that it didn't matter.  I was still
their son and nothing would change that.  My Dad on the other hand didn't
look too sure of himself.  He just kind of sat there silently taking in the
scene.  The conversation kept up for about 2 hours.  Eventually my father
relaxed a little bit and started to talk some.  He wasn't happy, which I
expected, but nonetheless he was pretty much okay with it.  They proceeded
to ask me about Phoenix wanting to know if he was gay and if we were
together.  I told them yes he was gay and no we weren't together but that I
would like us to be.  The conversation slowly ended itself with a few tears
shed but nothing major.  Eventually Phoenix arrived.

I brought him into the family room and told him what had happened.  He was
a mixture of emotions, part of him was so happy for me, he knew that a huge
weight had been lifted off of me, but I could tell he was definitely
freaked out about the whole situation.  He knew how much my parents loved
him and he was afraid they were going to stop loving him.  I tried to
reassure him, but he didn't seem too convinced.  He suggested that we go
out.  I knew he didn't want to be there because he was afraid they were
going to freak out on the both of us.  We decided to go to a local diner
and just talk and celebrate my coming out.  The rest of my friends joined
us eventually, but before they got there we had some time to ourselves to
talk.  He was trying his best to keep his emotions guarded but he wasn't
doing a good job at all.  He kept telling me how proud he was of me but I
could tell he had feelings of resentment for the fact that I risked losing
his newfound family for him, without even consulting him first.  The last
thing I wanted to do was lose that for him, I thought it would make it
better for the both of us.  There was no more hiding.

Instead of things getting better between Phoenix and me it just got worse.
He seemed constantly on edge.  He didn't seem as comfortable as he once was
at my house.  Granted, things weren't exactly perfect at first, but it
wasn't the most awful place on earth to be either.  He seemed like he was
always mad at me for something.  We didn't talk the way we once had.
Before this, we didn't talk about stupid shit, but usually had some sort of
"important" conversation at least once a week.  The conversations were
becoming less and less frequent.  We went from being best friends to more
like brothers.

It was really hard for me.  I was so torn between the fact that I had
thought I loved him and the fact that it was like walking on eggshells with
him.  I got myself into another on of my wonderful depressions.  I didn't
know what to do with myself.  Actually, I take that back.  I knew exactly
what I had to do; I just didn't want to do it.  I thought we definitely
needed to spend less time together.  As much as I didn't want to admit it
to myself, I knew it was the best thing for both of us; otherwise we were
going to end up hating each other.

There could be no more of me protecting him and making him feel all warm
and fuzzy inside.  He was starting to resent it.  I felt like everything I
said and did was wrong.  It was like being in a marriage gone bad.  Neither
one of us wanted to face it but both of us knew what was happening.  We
were growing apart and I didn't know how to change it.  All I wanted was
for him and I to be happy, not necessarily happy "together," but happy as
friends and brothers.

I felt like my life was spiraling out of control.  I didn't know how to
remedy the situation.  He was beginning to snap at me more and more and I
was snapping back.  I felt like the only thing I could do was try and meet
someone new, someone to focus my affections on.  I didn't want Phoenix to
feel like I was smothering him and I thought the only way to do that was to
find a boyfriend.  The only problem with that was we hadn't been going out
at all.  It seemed like Phoenix was hiding out in my house all the time.
He was scared of something.  I did nothing to help it.  I yessed him to
death and continued to stay home all the time as well.  I realized I was
sacrificing my happiness and his by enabling him to not deal with the
problems he was having in his head.

I decided it was time to take action.  I didn't know if my plan would work,
and it probably wouldn't, but I did the unthinkable; something I vowed I
would never get desperate enough to do.  I placed a personal ad on the
computer.  I didn't think I would actually meet anyone, but it was worth a
try.  A couple of weeks went by and I got no responses to my personal.  I
just chalked it up to the fact that the computer was just like a club or a
bar.  People were still afraid to talk to one another even with the level
of anonymity present.

Then, one day I checked my e-mail and there it was; probably the longest
e-mail I had ever gotten in my life.  It was from a guy that lived close
by.  He told me all about himself, what he wanted out of life, and what he
wanted out of a guy.  I immediately wrote back to him.  We started instant
messaging every night.  It seemed like we had so much in common.  At this
point, I was keeping it all a secret from Phoenix.  I didn't want him to
know what was going on.  For some reason, I felt like he would be hurt by
it, although I don't know why.  He was probably my closest friend; I would
hope he would have been happy for me.

Eventually, the mystery computer man and I decided that we should meet at a
local coffee house and talk.  We had so much in common on the computer it
was time to see if there was any chemistry in real life.  The night we were
supposed to meet, I called Phoenix and told him I wasn't feeling well and
that I just needed some time by myself.  He didn't seem to mind too much.
He told me to feel better and that he would call me the next day.  After I
hung up, I got showered and dressed and headed out to meet the boy.
Mystery man told me he would be wearing a blue sweater and jeans.  He had
described what he looked like so I figured I would find him without a
problem.

I got to the coffee shop with a little extra time to spare.  I went in and
placed my order.  I got my coffee and headed outside to have a cigarette.
Just as I sat down and lit my cigarette I noticed a car drive up that
looked a lot like Phoenix's.  "Oh shit," I thought to myself, "this is just
fucking great.  I lied to Phoenix and now here he is getting a cup of
coffee."

As he got out of his car I knew I was screwed.  He walked over to me
looking a little bit hurt.

"What the hell are you doing here?  I thought you were sick."

"Yeah, well, I was feeling a little better so I decided to get a cup of
coffee.  What are you doing here?"

"Same."

"Oh, okay."  I was really freaking out at that point.  I didn't know what
to do.  My "date" would be there any minute and here I was with Phoenix not
know what to do or say.

Then I took a closer look at Phoenix.  I had noticed that his hair was done
when he pulled up, which he never bothered to do if he was just hanging
out, and he was dressed up.  In a blue sweater and jeans.  I thought back
to the description my computer man had given me.  He fit it perfectly.  Now
I really didn't know what to do.  Phoenix was my date.  Should I tell him
and face the most awkward situation of my life, or should I just say I have
to go and let him feel like he was stood up.

It's amazing how much information can float through your head in such a
short period of time.  These thoughts and a million others popped up in a
matter of seconds.  I made a command decision.

"Phoenix, I'm gonna head home.  I'm starting to get a headache and I don't
want to push it too much.  I'll see you in class tomorrow."

"Alright, go get some rest.  Love ya."

"Love you too."

He had no idea how much I really did love him.

	I had no idea what to do and I didn't know how to feel.  On the one
hand, I should have been excited.  This little date proved my point.
Phoenix and I were perfect for each other.  On the other hand, he was my
best friend and all the time that we had been spending together should have
sparked the interest that we had in each other on the computer.  How was it
possible that I could hook-up with my best friend over the fucking
Internet.  It just didn't seem fair.  I knew what I had to do.

	I called Zoë.

	"Zo, what are you doin?"

	"Nuthin' honey, what's up?"

	"Oh, you're not gonna fucking believe this one."

	I proceeded to tell her the whole story.  She listened quietly
until the end.

	"Uh-huh" was the only response she gave.

	"Uh-huh, uh-huh?  That's all you're gonna say?  HELLO, I need some
help here.  What the hell am I supposed to do?"

	"Okay, do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you what you
want to hear?"

	"I guess I want the truth," I said as I lit my hundredth cigarette
of the evening.

	"Alright, well this is going to have to be a face to face
conversation.  Come get me.  We'll go for one of our infamous little
drives."

	"I'll be right there."  We hung up, I ran to my car, and I raced
over to her house.

	When she got in the car the conversation immediately began.  I
whined, she yelled, and told me what I knew I had to do but didn't
necessarily want to hear.  It took us 5 hours to get it all hashed out, but
it basically came down to the last comment she made:

	"Life is all about risks.  How are you going to know what can be if
you don't take a risk once in a while.  For all you know, you might
actually get something you want."

	So that was it, I knew what I had to do.  I had to tell Phoenix
everything, the crush, the botched date, all of it.  I went to bed that
night completely and utterly nervous and afraid of the outcome, but dammit
I was going to tell this boy how I felt.  And hopefully, after it was all
over, we'd fuck our brains out :).  A boy can dream can't he?


Well, its been a really long time since I've posted anything.  I hope those
of you who were interested before will rekindle some interest.  I love to
hear what you have to say about my writing so please send me feedback good
or bad alreadychosen06460@yahoo.com.