Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2012 10:41:16 +0200
From: Shawn Edwards <shawnedwards92@gmail.com>
Subject: With all my heart 3
The door wooshed open and i covered myself before Joe could see.
"Dude you have no idea what happened yesterday," Joe said and my
heart began pounding. "What?" i asked. "Some chick
tried to lay me but she stopped after just unbuttoning my shirt," he
said. "Why?" my face was now beaming.
"I think i said im gay or something. Im never
drinking again" Joe said embarassed.
I laughed hard. Not because it was funny but
out of relief. I prayed he wouldnt have a flashback and see it was
actualy me. I think my laughter embarassed him because he left without
notice. It was Saturday morning and classes started on Monday. I
hadnt the slightest idea of what i would do that day. I woke up and
went to take a piss. I then went into the shower. It was then that i
realised i needed a bath to relax me. I ran hot water into the bath
and put my bubble bath. This was my remedy for relaxation. I loved
that lavender smell and the feel of hot water. It cleared my mind.
After all i had so many thoughts i didnt want to deal with. I hoped it
would work. It always did. I sat back in the bathtub and closed my
eyes to relax and let the lavender and hot water take effect.
My thoughts flashed before my eyes soon as i closed
them. Joe was straight and all hopes of having him were lost. I would
end up with nobody but my virginity which i desperately wanted to get
rid of. Damn life couldnt get any better. Joe would never be gay. If
he wasnt after so much alcohol what more when he was sober. I loved
him with all my heart. It was nolonger a stupid crush. It was
something serious now. Yet i couldnt have him and i would nolonger try
to get him. I had gotten off pretty clean and if i tried i wouldnt be
so lucky. I had to give up and let life take its course.
Joe was killing me softly. I was falling for him. Infact i was still
falling. He was the one i wanted. I wanted to always be with him.
However it would never be possible. It would never happen and though
hard to do i had to let go of him. Not that we had done anything but i
had to let go of him, let go of my feelings for him. God why was my
life revolving around this guy? He was straight and had a girlfriend
yet i was all up under him. I knew i had to get over him. It was the
right thing to do. I had to move on and accept the fact that i would
never have him in my arms. The problem however was that i couldnt. I
loved him and wanted to be with him. I had feelings for him yet he
didnt know any of this.
I didnt want to think anymore. The more i kept my eyes closed the
mose i thought. I had to open them and face a bit of reality. I had
lost touch with it and i needed it back. It would make me realise Joe
was just a fantasy and i had to move on. I opened my eyes and couldnt
believe myself. I wiped them, maybe i wasnt seeing right. Yes i was
and i liked what i saw. Joe sat opposite me in the bathtub with that
smile on his face. The smile he gave his girlfriend. He was giving
that to me. I drew closer to him and stretched my hand to touch him. I
could almost feel him, i was nearly there and then he disappeared. I
slapped myself and saw clearly it was a day dream. He had never been
there and would never be.
I got up and pulled up
the stopper then took my drying towel and wrapped it around my waist.
I dried infront of the wall mirror admiring myself. Hell i was
attractive and i was damn rich. I was supposed to have it all. I mean
i had everything i wanted and didnt want. Why couldnt i just have a
man and get it all. I finished drying then applied lotion.
I walked into my bedroom naked and covered my crotch without thinking.
"Dude we showered together." Joe said. I smiled
sheepishly and uncovered then gave him my backside. If he saw my butt
then maybe he would love me. It was jus wishful thinking.
"Get dressed im taking you out." Joe said and left.
The words he said and how he said them excited me. It was as if he was
taking me out on a date. I dressed then went to his room. He was ready
and waiting for me. We left in his car. I had no idea where we were
going but i was just as excited as he was. Maybe he had remembered it
was me who tried to bunk him and he was taking us somewhere romantic
so he could fuck the hell outta me. I knew that was impossible but i
held on to the edge of that garment.
Joe parked the car and we left. He led the
way and i followed after him like a little puppy. We entered a room.
Yeah he had taken me bawling. I looked around and nearly threw up. I
almost turned green. It was the color of jealousy and i was wearing
it. It was his girlfriend. When Joe said he was taking me out. He
should have mentioned he was taking his girl also. I wouldnt have
came. I hated this girl. I knew i wasnt supposed to but i did. She had
him and i didnt. He loved her and not me. That was reason enough.
She approached us with that smile on her
face then hugged him. It should be me hugging him not her. After him
she came to me and i stretched my hand with a fake smile plastered on
my face. We shook hands and then let go. I was officialy not in the
mood to partake in any activity but i had to pretend i was having a
good time to hide the fact that i didnt like his girlfriend. It was
official that Joe wasnt mine to have.
I had to settle for just being his friend. It was the closest i would
ever get to him. There was nothing else i was getting. I was officialy
not in the mood to partake in anything. "Dude i aint hood with
this. I think im jus gon chill." i said. "Cool
bro." he said. "Come on Sean. You cant be that bad." she
said. "Nah im jus gon chill." i said with a smile, resisting the
urge to say I dont want bitch, just get over it. They smiled and began
bowling. Joe was good. He flexed his muscles as he bowled and he hit
them all. He was so good, i hoped he was as good hitting it in the
sack, apparently i had to ask his girl that. They chased each other
around and kissed then lift each other up laughing and gigglin. I
swear i wanted to die and wake when they were done. It was making me
sick. She was having a taste of those lips and had access to things i
wouldnt.
This did nothing
but make me hate her more. After almost two hours that seemed like
years they were done and they came to get me. We left and again i
didnt know where we were going but she did. After all she was the one
being taken out. I was the gay placeholder following a straight couple
around. I sat in the back as she and her boo rode the coupe. We
stopped at McDonalds to grab a bite before continuing with the
expedition. I wasnt sure i wanted to continue. We got a table for
three and i sat opposite her. Joe was between us. How ironic. It was a
if he knew we both loved him and he had both of us sandwich him. We
all had beef burgers with chips and coke. Atleast that was the best
part of the day. They fed each other and kissed. They hadnt done it
this close to me so i hadnt realised how awkward it could get. I
nearly puked. It was some salt to the wound. They knew i was alone
with nobody to love and there they were rubbing their love in my face.
"We are now going to the mall." Joe said. "You two
lovebirds go i will take a cab back to school. Thank you for such a
good time." i said. "Dont you want to come with?"
she asked. "Nah. I will give you some time." i said then
pulled out a couple hundred from my wallet and handed them to her.
"Thank you. Get him and yourself a present" i got up and she did the
same. We hugged and Joe winked at me. I left. There was no way i was
spending a full day with them. I would get me a stomach bug.
I was lucky to get a cab as soon as i got out. I headed
straight to school. I wanted some time to myself. I had a new feeling
as i hugged her. I was surprised i didnt hate her anymore. I couldnt
believe myself. I actualy saw myself being friends with her as time
went on. There was no jealous in me nomore. It felt like i had come to
terms with the fact that he wasnt mine and i had moved on. It felt
good. There was nothing to hold me back nomore. I felt as if i was
ready to start over and nothing would stop me. It was a good feeling.