Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2011 17:32:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: Gene Hemings <lv2sc@yahoo.com>
Subject: Am I Straight Or Gay

  This is a true story.  The year was 1996. I was fifty three years old and
had never had sex with a guy except goofing around with one really close
school buddy, one month younger than me. He was my best friend when we were
12. We never separated until he joined the Army at 18, yet when he came
home we carried on as before. He and his older brother, introduced me to
jerking off in 5Th. grade. Jerking off was mostly what we did. We jacked
off together until we were 20 years old. We did try sucking each others
dicks, when we were about 14 but never really did the true suck. We each
did not trust the other to not tell our friends we had sucked the others
dick. We put our lips only, on each others cock but went no further. Oh how
I wish I could go back on this part of my life, I would suck him to
completion anyway. I now believe we would have sucked each other to
completion if only one of us lead the way. Our dicks looked like twins,
everything exactly the same, size and girth.

  Eventually our jobs and other interests started to separate us, but we
are still friends and talk once in a while as we both live in different
states.  Back in the mid 70s we both worked about 6 years for the same
company.  This was when we both were around 35 years old. We were both
married by this time with kids. His kids were a few years older. We never
talked about our younger days. Looking back I wonder why. If I get the
opportunity to discuss things, I'm going to lead our conversation to those
old days. Perhaps we could finish what we both had started.

  But I thought about cocks and nothing else almost all day long every day
of my youth and adult life. I was infatuated by a dick wherever or whenever
I saw one. Why are we like that? Who knows why it takes so long to admit we
are gay and really want a guy instead of covering up our lives with trying
to be married and raise kids to keep everyone fooled and off our ass. I
too, got married to prove I was not gay. So much for that! It proved
nothing!

  Over 40 years of marriage so far, I'm almost 68 now, and it seems our
marriage WILL withstand my encounters. My wife is the greatest person in my
life, we still love each other. Still there is no sex between us, she just
does not turn me on sexually anymore.

  But still yet, I need a cock to satisfy my sexual desires. Why are some
wives willing to accept our infidelities as mine does.  Still she don't let
me play around anymore, afraid I'll get AIDs or something else.  Still
other wives want a divorce?  Thank goodness there are choices made by each
of us, that resolve things in ways that only a husband and wife can, so
they can go on with their lives. I think my situation is the
exception. Whatever gets us through the night, I'm told!

  Of course through the years I was accused of being gay many times by some
of my co workers and some recently met acquaintances, but I always denied
being BI or Gay. Which seemed to me to stop the talk. I'm sure they thought
otherwise, that I was gay, and was only waiting for someone to tell them
they knew the truth and had caught me red handed. That could never happen
because it had not yet happened for me either.

  Looking back I know that some how I gave off that gay look or
mannerisms. But I for the life of me could not figure what I was doing to
out myself in some way. Mostly through the years, I doubt most people knew
or cared I was BI or Gay. Or perhaps they liked me well enough to look past
what might be on the other side of door number three. Perhaps those that
asked me had their own Gay-Dar working and were BI themselves. Yet I was
not smart enough to challenge them and see where it could or would
lead. Although if these conversations were in the accompaniment of other
guys, I would clam up and feign gays were bad. That kind of conversation
alone could not happen without divulging I might be gay.  Hence I would
have been OUTED as they say.  And I would try not to engage in talk about
gays for fear of being branded as gay myself.

  I was known by so many people, as a sports star throughout our area, I
had to protect myself from them thinking I was gay. I must say this, I
never was a gay basher.  I tried to mind my own business always. I did
dislike the real feminine types. I see no reason for a guy to act so
feminine and dainty. I can not stand to be near that type.

  I became an A.S.M.E. Certified Mechanic, and felt that was proof I was
not gay. I thought all mechanics were straight. We use all excuses to keep
ourselves free of guilt. Little did I know at that time, at over 50 years
of age there are gays in every walk of life. Dumb me! I then finally
realized this after 50 years of age, and even after I had male to male sex
for my first time. Slow learner I guess.

  At about this fifty years of age, I found the computer and the Internet.
Looking at Internet pictures of cocks seemed to turn me on a lot. That lead
to more searching for many kinds of gay things. Thanks to finding the gay
chats, I found behind my wife's back, I was introduced to a whole new world
and culture.  I did not want my wife to know I was BI or leaning towards
gay. Yet I somehow think she suspected it all along, even before she caught
me, and finally confronting me.  She questioned me about was I gay, which I
denied, and after she had seen where I had been on the Internet, but I
denied it and thought the subject was moot. I found out she was just
getting things in order for our showdown at a later date. Wives are like
that!

  On those gay chat sites, I was able to chat honestly about my desire to
suck a cock, but was afraid to talk one on one with guys I had met in
person that I suspected of being gay. I had no balls to chat one on one in
person with a known gay guy for fear someone would see us talking and
suspect me of leaning towards gay. I was a true homophobic.

  I just could not get discovered.  Anywhere I went I knew someone
there. People seemed to know me, yet I did not know them.  I found out by
asking them how they knew me. They admitted they had never met me, just
knew who I was. That was very scary in my mind. I knew, just one little
slip up and my whole world would shatter!  I had to keep my secret at all
costs! To this day I have not been found out that I know of.

  I did still like pussy until I sucked my first cock at 53 years old, yet
now I don't want anything to do with a pussy.  Again, why is that? I had
always hoped when I was young to meet someone that was BI like myself, if
only he would admit he was bi or gay when we were alone.  Oh how much
easier my life would have been earlier in my life if I had met another bi
or gay guy when I was a teenager. But I was never lucky until the Internet
came along. The Internet has changed a lot of lives in this short time it
has been around.

  I finally found a 38 year old, totally gay guy.  We were on a gay chat
line, and he lived alone about 15 miles away. I hoped the distance would
keep anyone from finding out I was gay, as I now knew in my heart I was gay
or BI. After meeting my new chat friend it was obvious my new chat friend
was gay, just one sentence and his mannerisms told you like a
billboard. Still it was not safe going into or out of his home, yet I did.
Still I was afraid someone might see me and know me and knew he was gay.
Even where he lived I had friends or people that knew me in that area.

  We agreed that I'd go to his house and see if I really was interested in
sucking cock.  He knew I was a newbie and had never sucked a dick. After
meeting him I was thrilled by his handsome looks and body. He was my height
and a lot thinner, great kisser, dark hair, 6in cut cock. We chatted on his
downstairs sofa for a while talking about guy sex and of course I was hard
right away, which he could see. He asked could we kiss? I said of
course. We started kissing and fondling for a few minutes and then he said
lets get comfortable upstairs in his bedroom. I was nervous yet ready for
this. I was amazed it was so lay-ed back and comfortable to be with him.  I
was surprised by these feelings of ease. Nothing like I had been dreading.

  Upstairs we got undressed and lay side by side kissing and feeling each
others cocks and then he started kissing my neck and moved to my tits
sucking each tit making me horny and excited. He then went down my stomach
slowly to my navel as he stuck his tongue in it, it was an awesome
feeling. He moved slowly down my abdomen licking and kissing a trail down
to my cock. Gently taking my cock in his lips and licking the huge amounts
of Pre cum from the head of my dick saying to me it tasted very sweet and
good and I make plenty when I'm excited. He put his mouth so gently over my
dick it was as if he were afraid of hurting me, but the feelings were so
good for a guy to suck my cock. I was in total shock how much better a guy
could suck my dick than my wife and a few other girls when I was a young
man before marriage. After getting married I never had another woman.

  He sold me on cock sucking right then and there! I was ready to try this
out for myself. I now had to asked him if I could suck his cock. I had no
idea how this was going to change my life or if it would. I knew the time
was here before me, and that really, this was the true reason I was here,
with him, to suck his dick before I died. It did not matter who he was
really, as long as he had a swinging dick. I had to try it!

  He then had this to say to me, look if your not comfortable doing this,
he would not mind at all, as most gay guys love to give head whether they
get it in return is not important. I said no I came here to try it and I'd
like to get started. Why was he trying to hold me back I wondered to
myself. Please let me suck your dick was all my mind could think at this
time.

  Again he said, look if you end up liking this. You will probably be in
divorce court within 2 years, as this lifestyle is hard on marriages,
professing he knew of others this had happened to. I guess being gay and
meeting a lot of older guys like myself for his sex partners, he must have
had some insight to what he thought he now knew. Now, I'm not so sure he
was right about this.

  Thinking to myself I had seldom been getting any sex from my wife for
quite a few years anyhow. Why would I stop now? I DO blame her for actually
driving me to explore this gay side of life. Had she been co operative in
the bedroom I doubt I would have pursued looking for a guy for sex or had
the time for the Internet.  As I've said I was very scared of someone
finding I was gay.

  Looking at dicks on the Internet had now gotten me pretty horny and
longing to try sucking a cock.  For one reason, I thought guy sex was
easier to manage. Because who suspects guys hanging out together. Getting
involved with another woman for sex, can and will eventually get us caught
by our wives or girl friends. I was not into getting laid by another woman
as I felt that was adultery.  Yet I had been propositioned quite a few
times over the years by women, somewhat because of my stature in the area,
which I still refused their offers. That went against my religion as I felt
that was adultery.

  As we all know that slipping around gets found out quickly by our wives
anyway and she knew some of these women. Somehow I felt guy sex was safe
and easier to cope with if I liked it. I thought it was not adultery like
sex with a woman was.

  I told him I was ready to face whatever came about and he offered his
cock to me. I looked at it kissed it gently on the head and then licked it
up and down the shaft and was amazed at the firm yet soft great taste a
dick can be. I swallowed it as far as I could before gagging a little and
when I came up I worked my tongue around the head to taste the best pre-cum
taste I had ever knew existed. Swallowing his dick over and over, as it
seemed I could not get enough of this soft yet hard cock, the feelings and
tastes were so good. Licking his balls and putting each one in my mouth was
such a new turn on to my new adventure. Everything he had done to me before
was now my turn, and I was trying to repeat this on his body. The touching
and pressure points on our bodies was exciting for my first time. Oh what I
had missed over the previous years of my life. I was now getting pissed off
at myself for what I had missed. I had not known about pre cum
 tastes even at this older age. Never thought of tasting my own pre
cum. Was I or am I a prude?  Maybe! I guess I had not been part of a
conversation about cum tastes or pre cum with the guys.

  I was new to this for sure as I started really enjoying another mans dick
and the sweet, soft yet hard feel of a cock in my mouth. With this, I now
knew I was totally a confirmed cock sucker for life. We exchanged blow jobs
for quite a while before I let him cum in my mouth as I sucked him hard and
fast wanting him to cum to completion in my mouth. I had to taste cum for
my first time too. He warned me it was coming, as he came quite a load, and
he said not to swallow it, but too late, I already had swallowed his
load. I loved the taste of his pure white cum. Now to me nothing is better
than pre-cum and good white cum, except rimming, which I only did that many
years later with only one guy so far.

 Another story for later.

  We met many times after this and eventually we fucked each other but for
some reason, it hurt me, more than made me feel good.

  I love to get fucked now so it must have been something between him and I
that just didn't go right.  The taste and feel of another mans body next to
you is so different from the tender feelings we get with a woman, yet I now
prefer a man. The feelings I get making love to a cock is the best sex I
have ever had.  Why is this, who really understands and knows that answer.

  Of course a shrink can tell us. He can tell us lots of things, but I
believe we "GAYS" were all born this way, and that our brains can never be
re-wired to suit some dick of a doctor that thinks he can change us! Money
talks and bullshit walks! Yes most of us are born normal and are
heterosexual, but even a lot of those would like to try the gay side at
least once before they die, but just do not have the balls to go forward
and put it in their bucket list. Any and almost everything in life is worth
a try one time before we die! I allways believed that.

  When I was 5 years old I somehow knew I liked looking at and feeling of
my younger by a year, brothers dick. We, my brother and my 2 cousins same
ages, one boy one girl played doctor in our bedroom a few times just to see
and understand what it looked like up close and smelled like too. My girl
cousin 5 also, enlightened me quite a bit about girl anatomy.  At 5 I had
not seen a pussy yet, but now I had first hand knowledge there must be a
reason for girls and boys and to be built differently. I tried putting my
finger in her pussy but it was so dry it needed lube which I knew nothing
about. Still we enjoyed our little tryst of playing doctor.

  A few days later after finding out about my cousins pussy, I talked my
next door neighbor girl, my age and same classroom at school, to let us
play doctor too. I needed to see if she had a pussy or was my cousin the
odd one.  We did this on my front porch which had a 3 foot wall around it
giving us privacy. Somehow I knew a dick was supposed to go in that
pussy. There again she was very dry and tight, so still to early for my
first snatch encounter. But I give myself credit for trying and thinking it
to that point.

  How did I deduce this idea of dick in pussy, I don't know to this
day. Perhaps I had seen my parents screwing on the bed but could not
remember. Seems most logical today. I tried so hard to put my soft little
dick in her pussy but no luck. Wonder why? Too young for arousal and
woodies at 5 years old I guess.

  She went home and told her mother what we were doing and her mother came
over and read my mother a new asshole. My mom never brought it up ever
again. I guess she figured kids will be kids. The girls parents said I was
never allowed to be near their girl unless we were in school. This pretty
much ended my really young sexual encounters.

  I decided I needed to be or look to be heterosexual and persue girls. I
loved looking at beautiful girls.  I had many girl friends and loved pussy
enough to want to get married. I loved to eat pussy when I was young. The
tastes and smell turned me on, even when it smelled like fish. My wife
loved it when I ate her pussy.

  After all the time that had elapsed over the years, my thirty eight year
old guy was my first blow job at 53 years old. He was my next real sex with
someone other than my young buddy and my wife and girl friends in my
teens. We enjoyed many encounters over a few of years until I found out on
our last trist that he was getting into drugs and that scared me, so I
stopped seeing him when I found out about the drugs and a few guys living
with him that had not been there in the past when I visited him. His looks
and demeanor had changed quite drastically. Drugs seem to do that to
people. I guess drugs seem to age them faster and looks to be harder on
their body.

  I feel sorry for guys that need drugs to put the real world out of their
lives. It never works but they think otherwise until it hits them on the
head and they start thinking straight. Although some never learn how it
effects them in bad ways, and continue on that path. I just feel less safe
having sex with them thinking who they may have slept with just to get
money for drugs. He had lost his good job too. That never helps any
situation.

  I'm not a prude about drugs as I know a lot of guys into the drugs, I do
not judge them nor care they do it, as I feel it is their right to do
whatever they want to themselves. I told them just don't expect me to join
them nor include me when they are doing them either. We get along very well
still to this day. They respect me for never talking about it with them or
telling others about their use of it.