Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2005 07:03:53 -0700
From: tball101@hotmail.com
Subject: My Life in The Closet Part 2: The Middle Years

This is a true story about my life and my ongoing struggle with my
sexuality. I'm writing this as part therapy and part outlet. I live a
closeted life and I have never shared any of this honestly with anyone.
There are graphic depictions of male homosexuality contained in this story
so if you don't like it, don't read it.

Everything's true, most of the names have been changed and geographical
details are murky because I don't want to be outed by this story. But if you
came from my hometown you should be able to figure it out. You might even be
able to guess who I am if you knew me. If that's the case, email me and I'll
give you a prize.

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"My Life in The Closet Part 2: The Middle Years."

My story left off when I was 16 years old and I had just experienced giving
my first blow job to a stranger in a car.

My name is Josh and as I write this, I am a 41 year old closeted gay man,
still struggling with my sexuality even at this old age. I haven't
identified myself as "gay" until the last few years of my life even though
I've always been attracted to men and specifically, their cocks. I've had a
lot of relationships with women and lived with the same woman for twelve
years, eventually getting married and divorced.

That's when things changed and how I got from there to here.

Back when I was 16 and had my experience with the stranger in the car, a
totally anonymous sex act where I sucked my first cock and swallowed a lot
of cum, my life pretty much went back to "normal".

I convinced myself that my behavior was curiosity and an aberration. Sure I
liked looking at guy's cocks and went to the extreme of sucking dick and
swallowing a huge anonymous load, but I couldn't be gay, I had to be
straight. In the atmosphere of my upbringing, being gay wasn't necessarily
wrong, but it was definitely fucked up.

I chalked up my experience to normal hormonal experimentation and was even
secretly proud that I had the guts to satisfy my urges.

Life went on. My high school years were coming to a close and I was
surrounded by a great group of guy friends and fit in perfectly well. I had
a few girlfriends and what I thought, at that age anyway, to be a pretty
active sex life with women.

But late at night, when I was alone in my bed jerking off, I still thought
of cock. I wanted to see cock, love cock, worship cock. I cordoned off these
secret sexual desires and kept them neatly away from the light of day. Thus
began my double life.

The gay cruising area where I eagerly sucked my first cock beckoned me. I
found my car strangely driving itself to that location.

I'd be out with my friends partying and on the way home, I'd drive by the
cruise zone. Most of the time I would just see what kind of activity was
going on, holding myself back from acting on my urges. I denied it to
myself, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I took the plunge
again.

My second encounter was pretty much a repeat of my first. My fear of getting
caught outweighed by my need to have a cock in my mouth. I would walk
nervously up to a stranger's car, get in and suck the shit out of him.

Between the age of 16 and 20, I finished high school and did my first two
years of college going to a local university. During that time, I honestly
don't remember how many cocks I sucked, but there were a lot. I would
estimate that over that four year period, probably around 30. That would put
the average at about one every 5 weeks or so.

Believe me, I know how this makes me sound, but its simply the truth. I was
a secret cocksucking slut all the while living a separate life of a straight
young guy.

Just to clarify, these were years between 1978 and 1982. AIDS was not really
in the public's consciousness, even though we know now it was out there.
Even when it did start to hit the papers, I frankly didn't care. I just
wanted to suck cock. It is a miracle that I'm HIV negative today.

Anyway, as time went on, I expanded my repertoire. Sometimes I'd get in a
car and I could immediately tell that the other guy was going to be the
cocksucker. It was weird. I was fixated on cock and was always a bit
submissive, but if the guy was more submissive than me, I had no interest in
sucking his cock. Go figure.

There were all kinds of guys and I really can't remember them all. Old
losers who I would let suck me, young jocks who I couldn't wait to go down
on, creepy guys but most of all, scared guys.

We were all involved in illegal public sex acts. If we got caught by the
cops, we'd be arrested and summarily outed. Any arrests of that nature were
published in the paper the next day, a part of the paper my parents always
read.

None of that mattered. When I had the urge for cock, I was mesmerized by my
cravings and was blinded to the potential dangers I was exposing myself to.

As my experiences multiplied, I was getting bolder and would actually leave
my car and walk around putting myself on display for the drivers. I found
that this worked pretty well.

As I said, I can't remember all the guys who I had encounters with, but of
course, a few guys do stick out in my mind. One guy was a young latino who
saw me cruising the street and gave me the eye.

He pulled up and asked me if I felt like it. He looked pretty cute and I
jumped in.

I could tell he was nervous and not familiar with the area, because he asked
me where we should go. I told him to drive into the middle of a large
municipal parking lot in the middle of downtown.

The parking lot was a huge flat expanse in disrepair and looked like a weird
eerie moonscape. We drove to the middle of the lot, passing other cars with
fogged up windows where other anonymous partners were already doing what we
were about to. We bumped over the old lot's potholes and came to a stop. He
looked at me and I knew he was desperate to get my cock in his mouth.

I whipped out my rock hard cock and he went down on it in a flash. This guy
was an incredible cocksucker. To this day, I remember how incredible his
mouth felt on my dick. His mouth was like velvet and he loved sucking it. I
exploded in his mouth and he swallowed every drop.

Like I said, this guy was pretty cute and as he came off my dick wiping his
mouth, I was overcome with lust, which was unusual because after I blew my
load I normally wanted to get the hell out of Dodge -- fast. He had a sweet
face and a small, but trim and toned body.

I leaned in his ear and growled, "I want your cock in my mouth". I felt so
dirty saying it. He tentatively undid his pants and exposed his semi erect
pole.

I was looking at my first uncut cock. It was probably around five inches in
its half-mast state and was pretty thick. I swallowed it with reckless
abandon.

I'm circumcised and never really knew what an uncircumcised cock looked
like, but I quickly found out. Needless to say I liked it.

I sucked his dick and it did my favorite thing -- it got bigger. For a small
guy he had around eight inches and I got really hot. I licked it and lapped
it. I tongued his foreskin and slapped my face with his hot Latino cock like
the dirty cocksucking whore I had become.

He started to groan and I knew I was going to get my prize. He didn't cum a
lot, but it didn't make any difference. I would have swallowed anything this
cutie put out.

He was obviously happy and as I came off his dick we just sat there
together. I rubbed his nice chest and smooth stomach and told him that I
wanted him to be naked with me. We both took off our clothes and he laid on
top on me. His little body was so nice and his ass was perfectly round and
smooth. My hands roamed all over him and I was in my glory. I had never had
an experience like this. After all, I was blowing guys anonymously in cars.
The chance for full body contact was pretty minimal.

After a few minutes, our steamed up windows lit up with the headlights of a
car pulling into the lot. He nervously jumped and started to put his clothes
back on. I saw that it was just another car and told him to relax, it wasn't
the cops, but the spell had broken and our encounter was over.

He drove me back to my car and before I got out I asked him if I could have
his phone number. Maybe we could get together again. Just like I did to the
first guy I was with, he nervously said he didn't think so and I got out of
the car.

As he drove away I remember feeling disappointed that he didn't want to see
me again. That was the first encounter I had with a guy that made me feel
like I wanted more than a one-time anonymous romp.

It's also a great illustration of the shame and contradictions that men with
homosexual urges experience. It's a pattern that I know all too well.

In these four years of secretive and somewhat sordid cruising for sex, I
never had sex with the same man twice -- except for one guy.

I'll tell that story and explain how I went hetero for fifteen long years in
my next installment.

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I hope you liked my story. If you'd like to read more about my closeted
life, email me at tball101@hotmail.com I'd love to hear what you thought.