Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2005 17:35:03 -0700
From: tball101@hotmail.com
Subject: My Life in The Closet Part 3: Closing that chapter

This is a true story about my life and my ongoing struggle with my
sexuality. I'm writing this as part therapy and part outlet. I live a
closeted life and I have never shared any of this honestly with anyone.
There are graphic depictions of male homosexuality contained in this story
so if you don't like it, don't read it.

Everything's true, most of the names have been changed and geographical
details are murky because I don't want to be outed by this story. But if you
came from my hometown you should be able to figure it out. You might even be
able to guess who I am if you knew me. If that's the case, email me and I'll
give you a prize.

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"My Life in The Closet Part 3: Closing that chapter."

My story left off between the years when I was16 and 20 years old, the time
in my life when I had discovered the gay cruise area in my hometown and
became addicted to anonymous sex encounters, blowing men in cars by the side
of the road.

During these years I estimate that I had oral sex, mostly giving but
sometimes receiving, with around 30 different men.

At the same time in my life, I was finishing high school and went through my
first two years of college, to outside observers a perfectly normal,
straight guy.

I guess I seemed normal. I was popular and had lots of close friends and a
few girlfriends. During my first two years of college I didn't have a steady
girlfriend but did have sex with 6 different girls. Funny, for the first
time in my life, I just realized the disparity in the numbers between my gay
and straight encounters.

I think the main reason for this was that it was harder to get girls to have
sex with. When I was horny, cruising was easy. There was always some guy
waiting to have his dick sucked. Girls were hard work.

Looking back, I guess I was somewhat of a sex addict, with a strong libido
that wouldn't quit. If you knew me back then, you would laugh, because I was
exceedingly normal. Not a hot handsome stud, just an average looking teen.

These were my true bisexual years. By the time my cruising for cock became
an almost monthly activity, I had rationalized that I had the best of both
worlds and was a little proud of myself for being so bold. I had a secret.
If only people knew.

But that was the problem. Nobody could know, because it wasn't right. I
didn't want to be labeled "gay" by anyone. I definitely didn't want my
parents to find out what a pervert their son was, and I especially didn't
want my guy friends to think that I was a "fag".

And it wasn't like I had a problem having sex with women either. I would get
just as aroused with a naked chick as I would sucking a dick and once I
actually did both in the same night.

I was visiting one of my state's universities around an hour away from the
city. A lot of my friends from high school went there including Maria.

In high school, Maria was a bit of an ugly duckling and pursued me quite a
bit. We fooled around a little but I was never totally into her and had
better-looking prospects around. But in the transition between high school
and college Maria got kind of hot. She was tall and skinny but had enormous,
firm tits and her skinny smooth torso finished out with a really nice ass.

I saw her in our first year of college and suddenly I was the one doing the
pursuing. She knew it and liked it. We would fuck whenever we could, one
time on the side of the road right near a spot where I had been sucking
cock.

I went down to the college with a bunch of friends and we made the rounds.
Maria was there and quickly took me into her dorm room and practically
ripped my clothes off. She always was a horn dog.

She was really hot, I was really hot and the sex was really great. This was
probably my favorite sexual encounter with a woman up until this point in my
life. She wanted my cock the way I wanted cock and that turned me on. She
sucked my dick and enjoyed it. Most girls back then were too "nice" to be
raunchy like this. Not Maria.

Her tits were truly amazing. They were really big, at least D-size, but they
were the firmest breasts I ever felt and she loved when I played with them.
I know a lot of these stories contain these types of overblown descriptions
but this is again, simply the truth.

I ate her pussy and fucked her tits and we fucked every which way we could
like dogs in heat. We had a blast.

As all things go in life, it was suddenly over. I didn't really want to
leave, but Maria told me I had to go. Her and her roommate had a pact that
there would be no overnight guests. Maria smiled at me as I wandered out of
her room in a post sex haze.

Driving back to town, my body was still vibrating with sexual energy. I had
a slide show of images clicking in my mind; Maria with her legs spread, my
cock thrusting in and out of her pussy, Maria sucking my cock. Me sucking
cock. Cocks. Sucking.

My car drove itself to the cruise area. It was a quiet night for all the
cruisers. But sure enough, a guy in a car gave me the old "hi sign" and I
pulled over.

My dick was hard as a rock in my pants and I walked over to the driver's
side of his car. The guy inside was a little older then me. He was a white;
pasty looking type and I immediately knew he was very "gay". I said "Hi" and
he boldly reached out and felt my bulge through my pants.

His effeminate voice said, "Hmmm, that's nice." He told me to follow him.

We drove our cars to an out of the way parking lot and I got in. I had no
interest in sucking an effeminate guys cock, so I just whipped mine out. He
was on it fast and was an expert cocksucker.

Within seconds, I shot a nice stream of cum down his throat. I could feel
him swallowing it. He really loved it.

"Wow, that was fast!" he said somewhat excited and disappointed at the same
time. I said I was exceptionally horny and really needed to blow a load. My
nut was blown and as with all of these encounters, it was time get the fuck
out of there.

I quickly got out of his car. As I started to get in my car, he yelled out,
"I really think you're cute." I gave him a smile and drove away.

I felt a little sick about the whole thing. It was pathetic. I didn't like
"gay" guys like him. And I didn't want to be like him. I just wanted to be
who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be gay. I just wanted to suck cock when
I felt like it.

Besides, I was the stud of the night, wasn't I? I felt like a sexual animal
on the prowl. I could have sex with men and women. Who was as cool as me?

These are the types of contradictory feelings and rationalizations that I
was experiencing on an almost daily basis and it's these unresolved issues
that have led to my life in the closet.

I look back now and realize that most of my sexual activity with women was a
way to convince myself I wasn't gay and submerge my "unnatural"
inclinations. Back then however, I really thought I could handle this thing
and bring it under control. After all, I was just a horny teen and I would
fuck just about anything in those days, and kind of did. Wasn't that normal?

Despite my inner conflict, my cruising didn't stop and my experiences
expanded. For the first time I had sex with a man outside of an automobile
and in a bed.

The guy was older than me, in his thirties and he spotted me cruising on one
of my walks. He pulled up in a nice BMW and asked if I wanted to go with
him. I said yes, jumped in my car and followed him.

We drove through the city to the nice part of town and pulled up to a really
nice house.

We met on the street and he was very nice and affectionate. He was Indian
and had a slight accent. He said his name was "Bikaji" or something like
that.

We walked into his house. The house was really nice on the inside as well
and after I looked around for a minute, and he wasted no time in bringing me
up to his bedroom.

As I said he was affectionate and he started to kiss me. This was my first
time really kissing a guy and I found it to be a little odd, but okay. I had
no problem with a dick in my mouth, but the kissing was strange.

We fell down on his bed and he said with a cute and slightly lascivious tone
in his voice that I had thirty seconds to get both of us naked.  I quickly
complied with this reasonable request.

I pulled off his pants to find the biggest cock I had ever seen. It was
uncut, easily nine inches, perhaps ten and very thick. I think I let out
some kind of gasp, because I remember him asking me if I liked it.

I told him yes in a hushed response and he said, "Why don't you lick it
then?"

He didn't have to ask me twice. I got down there and started to explore his
huge dick. He told me to take my time and enjoy it and I did. I licked his
balls and worked my way back up to his massive head again and again. He got
up on his knees and started to fuck my face with his meat. I felt like such
a cock slut.

We got into a 69 position and he started to go to town on my cock too. I
loved this. Doing it in a bed was a lot better than a bucket seat.

He slobbered all over my dick and sac as I gnawed on his huge penis. It was
too big to get much in my mouth so I took my time and worked on his head. He
liked it because he started leaking a lot of pre-cum.

He flipped my leg up and started licking my balls. I was moaning when I felt
his tongue start to lick my asshole. I loved it. I couldn't believe this guy
was licking my hole because I certainly would never return the favor. The
idea of me doing it was pretty gross, but it felt great to have it done to
me.

He stroked my cock while he probed my asshole with his tongue. This guy knew
what he was doing.

Suddenly he stuck a finger up my ass. I didn't like that at all and snapped
to attention.

I told him I didn't like it and he stopped and apologized. We went back to
work on each other's dicks and I felt my cum boiling up and blew a much
needed load into his throat. I was in a daze and I pretty my stopped my cock
sucking on the other end.

He noticed my sudden and selfish malaise and asked me if I wanted to swallow
his load too. Actually, I didn't. As with many of these encounters, once I
came, it was like I just came out of hypnosis and was brought back to
reality. What was I doing in this strange guy's bed with a huge uncut cock
in my face?

He was fine with it. He jumped up and started to jerk off over my face. Now
this was different. Watching him pump his meat brought me back to a sexual
state of mind. It seemed hot and raunchy. He blew his load all over my face
and I was blown away when he leaned over and started to kiss my face,
licking up his own sperm. It was pretty hot.

Strangely, I didn't feel like bolting anymore. We settled down and talked in
his bed for while. I told him about my conflicted sex life and he told me
about his very un-conflicted gay lifestyle.

He told me that what I was going through was a lot more common than I would
realize and that he had plenty of "straight" boys like me looking to have
sex. He also told me it was pretty common for a guy to lose interest once he
blew his load.

We talked about his finger up my ass and to my surprise he told me that lots
of men loved it and they really loved to have his huge cock up their ass.

We hung out and I found myself sucking on his meat again. I really loved
having the time to explore. This wasn't the furtive, rushed meeting I was
used to. This time I sucked him until he came in my mouth. I was very
satisfied.

"Bikaji" was the only guy I ever saw more than once. Three times to be
exact. During those times I probably sucked his dick ten times and swallowed
his load as much as I could. I loved it when he rimmed me and he said I
should try more fingers up my ass, but I never let him do that again. He was
a really nice guy and I liked him. But he was "gay" and I wasn't. It was
just a passing phase.

After my second year of college in my hometown, I decided I wanted to move
away from home and go to school in Boston.

Strangely, in my remaining years in college, I never had any more gay
experiences. I thought about it occasionally, but I was finally successful
at closing that chapter in my life. Or so I thought.

For some reason, my desire for cock subsided. I'm sure the advent of AIDS
had a lot to do with it. The epidemic really exploded in the mid eighties
and Boston's gay community was devastated.

I lost my overwhelming urge for cock. I also got into my first serious
relationship with a woman and was having regular sex.

After that relationship crashed and burned, I fell in love with a girl from
school and we moved in together. We were best friends, lovers and soul
mates. We would be together for the next twelve years. We got married near
the end of our time together before the relationship ended in divorce.

There are many reasons why we didn't last, but in my heart, I know my deep
secret and hidden sexual desires did the most damage. Me cheating on her
with another guy didn't help either.

I'll tell that story and explain how my straight life ended and my new life
began at the age of 35.

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I hope you liked my story. If you'd like to read more about my closeted
life, email me at tball101@hotmail.com I'd love to hear what you thought.