Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 08:50:21 +0000 (GMT)
From: Alex Douglas <alex_d0uglas@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Sins and Lovers Part Two

Sins and Lovers Part 2

(c)2002 Alex D


Robert wasn't at reception when I got back. Casim was there instead,
checking in a group of Scandinavian-looking blonde girls, a beaming
smile on his face. He waved me away impatiently, so I assumed my
services were not required. I sighed and went to my bed, flopping down
in a heap. Judging by the new backpacks sitting about, the room had
been filled. I wondered glumly what kind of loonies Robert had put in
here to get his revenge.

Enter the biggest crusty I had ever seen. Dreadlocks, ridiculous tufty
beard, piercings everywhere imaginable. A rainbow woolly hat, Che
Guevara t-shirt, brightly coloured baggy trousers. Ankle bracelets with
bells and Moses sandals. I stifled a groan.

"G'day mate" he said, peering down at me and grinning, his blue eyes
startling against the tan. "Name's Ben."

"Alex" I grunted, feeling antisocial.

Ben took no notice of my mood. "We were up in Tel Aviv last week for a
week or so. Freaky stuff."

I wondered what he was walking about. "Freaky...?"

"Mate, me and Rhianna, that's the girlfriend, we were on this bus going
along the sea front and we were absolutely bushed, y'know, we'd been
planning on going shopping and Rhianna says, spur of the moment like,
let's get off here and sit on the beach for a bit. So we get off,
right, and about 200 meters down the road, the bus blows up. Twenty or
so people killed. Suicide bomber. We must've been sitting right next to
the bloke." He shook his head and fished a fat joint out of his pocket.
"Freaky stuff. Makes you think."

"My god" I was shocked. "That would make you think, right enough." I had
heard about the bombing, of course, but growing up where I did, I
rarely gave bombings a second thought.

"Yeah" Ben said, lighting up. "there but for the grace of god, and all
that. Want some?"

I didn't need to be asked twice. About an hour later we were best mates.
We were stoned out of our skulls and giggling like a couple of
schoolgirls when a crusty-looking  girl came in, dressed in similar
regalia to Ben. "Alex!" he roared, slapping me on the back. "This
here's Rhianna. Love, this is Alex. Another fucking pot head." He burst
out laughing.

"G'day Alex" she smiled pleasantly. "Hey, Ben, guess what I got for only
5 shekels!"

I saw the shape of the bag and groaned. "Jerusalem's finest gin?" I
said, rolling onto my back.

"You've had it before then" she said, laughing. "Nasty stuff?"

"The nastiest" I nodded, noticing Rhianna's tongue stud and smiling
faintly.

There was a silence.

"I'll get the glasses then" Ben said, standing up. "You up for it?" I
shrugged. "Sure" I said. Abusing my body was second nature to me now. I
was sure the gin wouldn't be as bad second time round.

We sat there for a couple of hours, and the gin slowly disappeared. Jens
joined us and helped us finish the bottle. I said nothing about his
indiscretions, blaming myself for trusting himself in the first place.
Nothing mattered anymore, now that my head was swimming and my teeth
were numb. Amazingly, I was feeling pretty lively. Ben and Rhianna had
been entertaining me for hours with their stories of their 3 months in
Egypt: groping men, dodgy hotels and frisky camels mostly. My sides
were sore from laughing when Robert entered the room, closely followed
by Suzanne. I was beyond thinking, and gestured to the two of them to
sit down beside me, which surprisingly they did.

"Ben, tell these two about what happened in Tel Aviv" I said, suddenly
worried that Robert was going to say something embarrassing. Ben
started his story again, with interjections from Rhianna, and by the
end of it Suzanne and Robert were as open-mouthed as I had been.

"You only live once" Rhianna slurred, in that wise tone that only comes
with being completely plastered.

"You do indeed" Ben nodded. She hugged him, and some kind of unspoken
communication happened between them. There was a brief silence.

"Used to be a smack head, mate" Ben said, draining his glass. "Gave it
up when my best mate died of an overdose." He refilled his glass and
waved it in the air. "To Stevo."

"Stevo" murmured Rhianna. I took a drink and pondered what Ben had said.


"My best friend also took an overdose" Robert said suddenly.

I was horrified. Was this the Tim he had been talking about?

No one else seemed to mind the drink-fuelled Oprah Winfreyish turn the
conversation was taking. I squirmed, praying for a lighter moment,
suddenly starting to sober up. None came.

"What happened?" asked Rhianna, her eyes bloodshot and full of concern.

"Yeah" Robert said. "We were studying divinity, you know, to become
priests, and he had...well, a crisis of faith. There was so much
pressure on him from his family, well, they were really religious and
he and I...anyway, to cut a long story short his parents blamed me for
turning him away from God, and next thing I hear he was in hospital.
They said he didn't want to see me."

My mouth fell open and I gaped at him. Robert had been training to be a
priest?

It was clear that was all he was going to say. Suzanne patted him on the
arm. "That's terrible" she said softly.

"You were going to be a priest? Wow." Rhianna raised her glass. "That
takes some commitment, no shagging and all that."

"Yeah." Robert smiled at her and I felt my stomach do a flip. "Celibacy
is a killer. I could have done it though, only...never mind." He looked
at the floor.

I so desperately regretted asking Ben to tell his story again. I
couldn't bear all this serious talk. My euphoria had deserted me and I
had an ominous feeling of dread as the topic turned to suicide.
Jens started talking about one of his friends who had tried to kill herself after being raped.
There was a buzzing in my ears. I got up. "I'm away for a piss" I said and
staggered out of the room. Somehow I made it to the toilets just before
I threw up. I knelt there, gasping, trying to compose myself. Robert
was waiting for me outside, leaning against the wall.

"You OK?" he asked.

I meant to laugh it off and nod, but my face crumpled and to my horror I
started crying. I just could not hold it in. It was like a dam had
burst and my face was flooding. He enveloped me in his arms as I soaked
his shoulder. "I'm sorry" I whispered over and over. Apologising to
whom. For what.

"It's OK" he whispered in my ear as the torrent subsided, and I was
quiet, red eyed and chest hitching.

"Right" he said eventually, in that lets-cheer-up voice people put on
when confronted with a bawling child. "We'll say you were sick. That's
all. Then we'll go out up to the Arizona or the Underground for some
dancing. How does that sound?"

"OK" I hiccupped, embarrassed at my display.

He kissed me, and I was seized with the urge to shag him there and then,
but I remembered I'd just barfed and broke the kiss hurriedly. "I
stink" I said glumly, but he laughed. "I don't care" he chuckled,
kissing me again. "C'mon."

*	*	*

Now I'm usually a tolerant person, but if there's one thing that drives
me mad, it's being deprived of sleep.

Ben was a great guy, but he was a heavy sleeper and with good reason.
His snoring could have woken the dead. For nights I lay there, staring
at the ceiling in sticky-eyed frustration, hallucinating the presence
of potential murder weapons all around me.I was becoming a twitching
psycho. Suzanne left for Jordan, which didn't improve my mood. All the
private rooms were taken, so there was no chance of slipping into one
of them unnoticed. I was getting desperate. I needed to take action. So
I scored some weed, wrapped up in my warmest winter clothes and headed
up to the roof. Casim's mattress would be useful after all.

The night sky was dark and brightly lit by a full moon. My breath rose
in clouds, and I shivered. I felt alone, but not lonely. It was nice,
some solitude in a crowd. Ben and Rhianna were going on the Masada trip
the next day, so they had gone to bed early. Jens and the guys were out
at the Underground. And Robert...well, he had disappeared, apparently.
The other people in his dorm said he hadn't been back for two nights. I
was faintly worried, but he was a grown man, and I tried not to feel
responsible for his increasing mental instability.

I didn't mean to smoke it all but gradually it disappeared and I felt my
limbs become like lead weights. The stars were so bright, I could not
stop staring at them. How beautiful they were, how vast the universe.
Infinite sparkling spots before my eyes. The mattress was like velvet
beneath me.

My eyes were almost dry from not blinking when I felt someone shaking
me.

Dumbly, I tried to focus. Was it Robert? A dark haired person. No, it
was a girl. "Are you Alex?" she was saying.

My mouth emitted some kind of grunt. I could smell beer. "Someone said
you had some grass."

I fumbled for the bag and held it up. Maybe enough for a small one. I
smiled, hoping she would take it and piss off. "Thanks mate." She
started skinning up right beside me. Not the most attractive girl I'd
ever seen, a bit on the porky side but at least she was clean looking.

I expected the usual conversation openers (Where are you from? How long
have you been here?) and was preparing to be bored when she said, out
of the blue, "Fancy a shag?"

It took a few minutes for the implications of her question to make their
way into my brain, and I was about to refuse when she winked at me and
said "I have a private room."

The prospect of a quiet night's sleep seemed so good I was prepared to
do anything. I was so completely stoned that I had no worries about my
performance at all, and no moral doubts. Little did I know how bad it
was going to be. It was like something out of Fatal Attraction. She
flung me on the bed and practically leapt on. I kept thinking, this
isn't real, this can't be happening. Somehow I got a hard on and I kind
of came to my senses as she was riding me. My cock was getting more and
more numb with every second. Increasingly desperate for it to be over,
I tried to think about Suzanne to help me through the posts, so to
speak. But  the image that kept coming into my mind was that of Robert,
sleeping on the roof on that warm afternoon. Thinking about him, I blew
my load inside her, almost thanking god aloud that I had managed to
finish at all.

Then I got what I had really come for, if you'll excuse the pun:  a good
night's sleep. Ah, but it was ecstasy.

*	*	*

I woke up at around 5pm the following night. The room was empty and she
had checked out. I wondered if she had ever existed, but the tied up
condom was still in the bin, providing concrete evidence that it had
not been some drug-fuelled fantasy. Puzzled, smelly and blinking
stupidly, I stumbled out into reception.

"What a sight for sore eyes you are" Robert's voice. He was sprawled on
the sofa. I was dismayed to see he was sporting the pyjama style
trousers I had noticed all the Dutch guys wearing. I flopped down
beside him. "Where have you been?" I asked, before being seized by the
mother of all yawns.

"Suzanne's just left and already you're hopping into bed with every
chick that comes along. Nice."

I felt a blush creeping up my face. "Hey now," I protested. "That
was...one fucking weird night."

He laughed and hit me with a cushion. "You really have no morals
whatsoever, do you." It was a statement accompanied by an earnest stare
right into my eyes, and I felt uneasy. "Are you working tomorrow?" he
asked.

"Just in the morning."

"Come somewhere with me. Please. I'll meet you after your shift?"

"Er...ok, then." Where was all this going? I felt like I had stepped
into some alternate universe where nothing made any sense. Had I really
spent the night between the thighs of a girl who suspiciously resembled
Miss Piggy? What was this mysterious place Robert was wanting to take
me to? I started to worry. He ruffled my hair and stood up. "Gotta go"
he said, smiling. My heart soared and I melted into the sofa, smiling
back. I watched as he disappeared out the door, wondering where
everyone was. I sneaked a look at the reception register and saw that
there was no one in the private rooms that night either. Happy days, I
thought, another snore-free night.

I wondered about the girl from the night before, who she was, where she
was from. What did these people see in me? I've never considered myself
a sex object and yet four people had wanted into my pants in the space
of a few weeks. Why? I haven't been on the right side of a gym door for
as long as I can remember. Wee Alex, they used to call me at school
until I shot up by five inches in the year before my final exams,
reaching the lofty height of 5"9. Wiry, my mother says. (She always
knows how to compliment a guy.) Alone in the room, I stared at myself
in the cracked mirror, wondering if I had just turned gorgeous
overnight and not noticed. No, just the same. Mr Average, green eyes,
black mop that needed cut. I pulled off my t-shirt and noticed scratch
marks on my sides where my mystery shag had dug her nails in. Great.
Suzanne was sure to see.

I went to bed early, in case any other randy women tried to take
advantage of me.

*	*	*

Wherever it was Robert was taking me to, it was some walk. I was feeling
quite mellow (after some more of Casim's excellent grass) and the cold
air wasn't bothering me. I tagged along behind him, not feeling much
like talking, just watching him striding along. People moved to avoid
him, whereas I got jostled and stood on. There was something about him
that made people notice him. I could imagine him as a priest, funny
enough. He had an indefinable quality that gave him presence.

His arse looked so amazing in his jeans that I barely noticed where we
were going.

We left the old city through the Zion gate and continued walking. He
stopped several times to berate me about my slow pace, but I wasn't
listening. The Mount of Olives was ahead, the garden of Gethsemane. How
removed those places had seemed to me, long ago when I went to church.
I felt excited that I was finally going to see something, although I
was sure Robert had some kind of agenda. He always did. I knew him well
enough to realise that nothing was ever superficial with him. He really
thought about things, felt passionately about different issues, and I
admired him for it.

Our destination turned out to be the Church of All Nations. A lofty
building, impressive but not so old. I squinted up at the mural above
the three huge archways at the entrance, trying to see what it was of
and fleetingly wishing I had packed my glasses. I wondered out of all
the historical places we could have gone, why Robert wanted to go here.
It was dark inside, but as my eyes adjusted I could see that the walls
were made out of mosaics of different flags. Ireland, China, France...
they were all there. The atmosphere was hushed and peaceful, and at the
front, illuminated by the glow of candles, was a great stone slab
surrounded by a metal crown of thorns. Robert gestured for me to sit
down on one of the upright wooden seats and he squeezed in beside me.

"That's the slab where Jesus prayed before the Passion" he whispered,
pointing. I nodded, privately doubting the authenticity of the stone.
My leg muscles were starting to twitch from all the walking. Craning my
neck to look all around, I stifled a yawn. It was a beautiful church,
all right. Having spent so much of my childhood in churches, I felt
that I was conditioned to be bored. At least no minister was there,
waffling on.

Robert nudged me. "Isn't this beautiful" he whispered. "I come here a
lot. To think."

"What about?" I asked.

He shrugged. "God." he said finally, keeping his voice low. "Whether or
not I'm going back to college. Tim. You."

I smiled. "You think about me?"

He turned to me with a look of mock-disgust ."I can't think why" he
whispered, a big smile spreading across his face. "Imagine going to
check into a hostel and finding a lazy hog sleeping at the reception
desk who actually has the gall to laugh at my passport photo AND
check me out at the same time. "

"That photo's no good" I said, shrugging. "You look much better in real
life."

Some tourists were standing at the barrier, taking pictures on the stone
slab. The flash danced before my eyes. I remembered the first day I saw
Suzanne, how the sun had caught her glasses, how dazzled I was by her.
I sighed.

Robert leaned forward, his hands clasped. "Do you believe in God?" he
whispered.

I was embarrassed. "Not any more."

"Why did you stop believing?"

I thought about it. "Same reason I don't believe in Santa any more" I
said, conscious that a priestly looking figure was walking past. "Be
good, Santa will come. Be good, you go to heaven. It's a form of
control." Only in our house, I added privately, there was no Santa. My
parents believed he was evil, a pagan symbol of a festival that had
lost all connection to Jesus. It was more like "Be good, or you will
burn in hell. Suffer, and you will be rewarded." I had taken the last
part a bit too literally. Not any more.

He looked at me, with a ghost of a smile. "You do think, then. You
aren't as shallow as you seem."

"You think I'm shallow?"

"Come on man, you're in the Holy City and all you do is sit around
getting stoned."

I shrugged. "I'd rather do that than go on some soul-seeking quest," I
said. "There are no answers to those kind of things, the things you
were talking about."

He smiled. "There are answers. You just aren't looking hard enough."
Suddenly bored, I stood up. "I'm going outside for a smoke."

Sighing, he remarked "Yeah, run away from me again. You need to grow up,
Alex. Avoiding everything is not a solution ."

Angrily, I thrust my hands into my pockets. I opened my mouth to speak
but he got there before me. "Hide them" he said, looking at my wrists.
"Or hide behind them. Whatever, man."

"Fuck off" I said, forgetting to keep my voice down. The priest and the
tourists gave me dirty looks . "I'll be waiting outside when you've finished asking Santa for career guidance." I continued in an angry whisper. "  And don't give me any lectures about running away. Seems you're doing plenty of it yourself."

Who did he think he was? I fumed to myself as I stood outside, fumbling
in my pockets for my cigarettes. Why did my conversations with Robert
always end up about me? He was such a manipulator. I could imagine him,
all in black in some sheltered booth, wringing confessions out of
people. Bastard.

Ten minutes passed, and three cigarettes. What was he doing in there? My
anger was slipping away, and I was cold and bored. I went inside again
to tell him I was leaving.

He was still sitting in the same seat, his head in his hands. "You're
still here?" he said, and I could see he'd been crying.

I looked at him, torn between my irritation and an overwhelming urge to
give him a hug. He looked pathetic all of a sudden, and I regretted my
harshness. I sat down beside him and put my hand on his knee. "I'm
sorry" I said. "Let's go."

He followed me outside. It was a welcome relief to hear the sounds of
rush hour traffic after the awed silence of the church. "Are you OK?" I
asked. He looked pretty down, and I felt guilty. "Not really." He smiled, and my stomach did its usual somersault. "Let's get a taxi."

That night, there was another party in our dorm. More nasty gin, more of
the same. I declined the offer of more joints and drink. Jens sensed my
mood and gave me the nod to grab my stuff and go and sleep in the
unoccupied private room again. I suddenly needed to be sober, for a
while at least. I lay on the bed in the silence, the noise of people
chatting in the reception area seemed a million miles away. It was
coming up to Christmas and they were taking bookings for a bus trip to
Bethlehem on Christmas Eve. I had already paid. They said it was going
to be a big party, since Bethlehem was being handed over to the
Palestinian Authority, and they were even saying Yasser Arafat was
going to make an appearance. I could hardly miss that. My mother would
love the idea of Christmas in Bethlehem, although she would be
horrified to learn that drinking was planned. I realised it had been
months since I had contacted her. She would be sick with worry.
Probably wondering if I'd finally succeeded in topping myself, when if
I was honest with myself, the guilt I felt for what I'd put her through
was so overwhelming that I couldn't bear to talk to her anymore.

There was a tap at the door. "Alex?" It was Robert. I thought about
pretending not to be there but I realised I hadn't shut the door and he
could see my feet. Sighing, I got up and flung the door open.

"Come in" I said sullenly, flopping down on the bed.

He clicked the door behind him and sat down. "I guess I owe you an
apology" he said finally. "You were right to be mad. I shouldn't be
prying into your business like that."

I felt wretched. "I've pried into yours often enough" I admitted,
despite myself.

He lay down beside me, and was quiet. "I thought I had it all sorted" he
said eventually, staring at the ceiling. "I was so sure God wanted me
to be a priest. I was so sure! But...how can I be his servant if I'm an
abomination?"

"You aren't an abomination."

"Homosexuality is an abomination."

I turned over, facing him. I forced him to look at me, my heart melting
as I gazed into his eyes. "That's not the issue" I said, stroking his
arm. " As a priest, you shouldn't be fucking anyone, men or women."

He laughed. "You put it so pleasantly" he said. "I guess what you're
saying is, do I have what it takes to do the celibacy thing." I shifted
so I was lying on my side, facing him. My hand, as if it had a life of
its own, moved from his arm and slid under his sweater. The skin of his
stomach was smooth and soft. "Yeah, that's what I'm saying" I muttered,
as my cock began to stir. He looked at me, his eyes black in the
semi-gloom of the small room. "And what are you, the serpent?"

I stifled a double entendre and sighed. I knew I shouldn't take
advantage of him in his turmoil. I tried to withdraw my hand but
he stopped me. "Don't" he whispered, catching my forearm, his dark eyes
searching my face. "I think the answer to your question is 'no'". His
breath was warm on my face as his lips found mine, and fully sober for
the first time I found the sensation incredibly erotic, the feeling of
his stubble contrasting with the softness of his mouth. Our tongues met
and for minutes, we kissed, long, hot and slow. I rolled on top of him,
breathing heavily. "Is this what you really want" I whispered, but the
answer was in his trousers, hot and hard. He replied by pushing my
sweater up and over my shoulders and I did the same for him, lying back
down and relishing the warmth of his skin against mine.  I kissed him
again, the hunger starting in my belly, in my groin. His fingers were
fumbling at my flies and I rolled off him to give him better access. He
forcefully yanked off my jeans and pants and stared at me for a second.
"You're beautiful" he said softly, stroking my face. "Flattery will get
you everywhere" I replied, grinning, following suit and soon we were
both starkers, lying side by side on the bed.

Now I had him where I wanted him, I was in no hurry to get things
underway. I wanted to explore his body completely, to possess him
entirely. It was my first time with a man and I was determined to get
it right. Women's bodies were still a mystery, although I was learning
about them ...this body was not. I thought if I did to him all the
things I wanted him to do to me, it would be fine. Grabbing his wrists,
I  splayed his arms out above his head and feasted on his mouth again
for a second before heading down to his pits. I loved the smell of him,
the feel of the soft hair on my face. I breathed it in, that amazing
musky smell, and began to lick him there, tentatively at first, but as
his breathing quickened, I felt encouraged and moved on to his nipples.
They were hard and I tugged and sucked on one, then the other. He
sighed and his back arched slightly: I released his wrists as I
concentrated on my task. His hands settled on the back of my head and I
felt him push me gently down. I obediently followed the trail south.
His cock was lying flat on his stomach, pointing at his navel,
springing up from a dark froth of pubes. Gingerly I lifted it into my
mouth, worried about how it would taste, but it was amazing. Velvet
soft skin, yet hard as steel. I swallowed it as much as I could without
gagging, and he let out a small gasp. His fingers raked through my hair
as he squirmed beneath me. I released his cock and took his balls
gently in my hand, inhaling the smell of sweat and soap as I began to
bathe the crinkly skin with my tongue, sucking one into my mouth, then
the other. His legs parted and I slid my hand up between his arse
cheeks, my other hand massaging his cock. My finger found his hole and
I pushed it inside. His cock jumped a little and he gasped again,
louder this time. Thank you, Suzanne, I thought as I wiggled my finger
around inside him, taking his cock into my mouth again. I was terribly
ignorant of my own anatomy and I didn't really know what I was doing
but I found that secret spot inside him and he grunted in pleasure. I
worked another finger inside him, loving the way his cock twitched in
my mouth as he squirmed, holding his breath, trying to be quiet and
succeeding much more than I had under Suzanne's ministrations.

I slid my fingers in and out of his arse, watching the look of ecstasy
on his face as he spread his legs wider and wider, licking and sucking
his cock like it was my favourite lollipop and thinking god, I really
am not bad at this. He opened his eyes and pulled my face up to his. He
devoured my mouth as our cocks rubbed against each other, his legs
wrapped around me. We lay like that for minutes, grinding against each
other until he pushed me away, gasping urgently "Have you got a
rubber?"

I rolled off, fishing in my toiletry bag, knocking my stuff allo over
the floor, my habds were shaking so much. I found what I was looking
for, gratefully waving the condom in his face. "But of course,
monsieur" I laughed. "Some coq au vin for your main course?"

He groaned. "You aren't funny" he said, pushing me onto my back as he
reached over and rummaged in my bag fishing out a tub of Vaseline. He
saw my look of puzzlement. "Virgins..." He rolled his eyes and smiled.
"My turn" he whispered and kissed me again. He worked the condom over
my cock as it throbbed  almost painfully. I lay there, breathless with
anticipation as he dipped his fingers into the Vaseline and went to
work on his arse as I watched, trying to pick up tips for next time.
"Right" he said when he had finished. "Come here."

We continued where we had left off, he pulled me on top of him and
filled my mouth with his tongue. His legs opened and I slid down
between his thighs again, my cock bulging in the rubber as it
approached its destination. He wiggled a bit and pushing his legs up as
far as they would go, I was almost dizzy  as I placed the tip of my
cock against his hole and began to push it in. It slipped in easily,
thanks to the Vaseline I guessed, although I imagined this was not his
first time. God, it was so hot and tight, I went in slowly, savouring
every second as he swallowed me up, watching as his eyes closed slowly
and a ghost of a smile flitted across his face.

I placed my hands on either side of his torso, leaning forward so my
forehead rested against his, sweating. I thought I was going to shoot
my load there and then, such were the feelings shooting through me, my
burning cock planted deep inside that hot tunnel. Closing my eyes, I
tried to think of something boring so I wouldn't disgrace myself.
Images of middle aged women sitting in our living room examining
Tupperware containers sprang to mind: my mother's church friends having
a Tupperware party. How many times I'd had to endure the "oh look at
wee Alex! Aren't you a big boy now!" pinchy-cheeky routine. That did
the trick. I began to move inside him, out, in, out, in, slowly at
first and then building up a rhythm. As my thrusts became harder,
Robert reached his arms up and braced himself against the wall, his
breath coming in harsh gasps. His cock was swollen and red but he
didn't touch it. Looking down at it nearly sent me over the edge again.
Tupperware, Tupperware I thought again but the demands of my body took
over and I speeded up, thrusting harder, faster, trying to change the
angle a little so I could get in deeper. Suddenly his eyes flew open,
he arched his back and cum started shooting out of his dick, ropey
white threads slash-painting his stomach as he stuffed a hand inside
his mouth, trying to be quiet. In the midst of my red lust I was
surprised he had come without touching himself.As his spunk pumped out
in lessening bursts, his arse muscled clamped round my cock and my
brain switched off again. I pumped frantically for a few seconds as my
balls tightened and I felt myself deliciously poised on the edge...I
cried out as my cock spasmed  inside him, my body frozen like a statue
then shaking as I shot my load into the condom. I collapsed on top of
him, chest heaving: my cock slipped out of his arse and he enveloped me
in his arms, kissing my forehead. I yanked the condom off and chucked
it on the floor, gasping. I felt as if I I was truly alive for the first time.
It took a few seconds for me to take in what had just happened,
that I 'd had the most amazing sex ever. Because I loved him, I knew
suddenly, I loved him with all my heart. I raised my head, about to
tell him so when I noticed a tear gathering at the corner of his eye.
Alarmed, I raised a weary hand and stroked his cheek tenderly.

"What's wrong?" I asked, suddenly fearful. "Did I hurt you? Did
you...think it was crap?"

"Not crap" he whispered, but the tears continued, so I lay there,
bewildered and exhausted as his chest hitched beneath me, then quieted,
until the inevitable happened and I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up, that feeling of being watched again. Robert
was lying on his side, propped up on one elbow, staring at me. I smiled
and stretched, my body glowing. "Morning" I said. "You OK?" His
expression was unreadable, so intense and distant, and I was faintly
worried. He was going to weird out on me, I knew it. "What?" I
repeated, shivering suddenly.

He looked down at my outstretched right arm and traced my scar lightly
with his fingertip. "This one's worse."

I looked. "Yeah, I'm left handed."

"Must have hurt to do the other one."

"I was so drunk I barely felt it."

There was a silence. I looked into his beautiful dark eyes and knew that
if he asked me, there, at that moment, I would tell him everything.

"I have to go out" he said, starting to pull on his clothes. "I'll see
you later."

I cleared my throat nervously. "Why were you so upset last night?" I
asked the question, but I was dreading the answer. But he just smiled
and tapped the side of his nose. "You have your secrets, I have mine."
He winked. "See you later."

And out he walked, out of the door and out of my life.


*	*	*

I had to go out myself, to do the infernal laundry. It was raining and I
had no umbrella. Walking down the slippery streets, I was lost in
thought. I felt elated, yet puzzled. I longed to talk to Robert, to
find out what was in his mind. I deposited my clothes and thought about
going to look for him in the Church of All Nations again, but I
couldn't be bothered to walk so I went back to the hostel to wait for
him. They were playing Life of Brian, one of my favourite films,
thought it felt eternally long as I glanced at my watch time after
time. When it was over, I went into my dorm. Ben and Rhianna were
there, looking at some photographs. They motioned for me to join them
and I politely looked at each photo, nodding in all the right places,
although my mind was a million miles away.

Ben reached under his bed and fished out another bottle of the nasty
gin. "Want some mate?" he said, winking. "You look like you could do
with it!"

Why not, I thought, looking around for my plastic cup. I blew the dust
out of it and cleaned it with my finger. "Fill her up." Rhianna lit up
a cigarette. "Suzanne should  be back tonight" she said, looking at her
watch. I was suddenly excited, and yet kind of dismayed.The strange
things Robert had said still left me uneasy, as things had been left in
limbo. Incomplete. I remembered how he couldn't wait to get out of the
door and I wondered dismally how things could have been so fantastic
and then so shit in the space of twelve hours.

I shook my head, trying to focus on the moment. Robert would be back
soon, we'd talk and everything would be sorted out. I flung back the
gin, almost retching as it scorched my oesophagus. They were funny
people, especially Ben, and I was soon laughing and reasonably merry.
Ben was telling a story about a psycho Jordanian waiter when Jens poked
his head round the door. "Alex?"

I stood up, stiffly. He led me into the kitchen where no one ever
cooked, it was so grotty. "I have this for you." He handed me an
envelope with my name printed on the front in neat capitals. I began to
get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Where is he" I asked dully.

"Checked out, man. He's gone. Didn't say where he was going to."

 "Why didn't you..." Come and get me, I was going to finish, but I couldn't
bear for Jens to start taking the piss.

He cut me off. "He told me not to." Jens was surprisingly serious. "I'm
sorry, man." Slapping me on the back, he wandered back to his desk.

I stood there like a dummy, turning the envelope over and over in my
hand. I wanted to remember things as they were just at that moment, to
take a photo with my mind, the hope I felt, the happiness, the
nervousness and the anxiety. I knew once I opened the envelope, things
would be different and there would be no going back. I already  knew
what I was going to read, felt it in my belly and my balls, like a lead
weight.

Robert was gone. He had left me.

My hands shaking, I made my way to the toilets and locked myself into a
cubicle. I sat down, breathing deeply. My hands shook as I carefully
opened the letter and started to read.

"Alex" it began. "I don't know where to start to stop you feeling bad
about this, so I guess I'll start with the truth.

Tim and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember, becoming
lovers only a few months before he tried to kill himself. Once we
realised what was happening between us, we talked about it endlessly,
about how we were committing a terrible sin but we couldn't stop, at
least I couldn't. I loved him so much. I guess he couldn't bear to
leave me so he stopped it by stuffing his stomach full of pills and
telling everything to his parents in a letter . Thank God he was
spared, but when he had recovered he called me and told me he never
wanted to see me again, how it was all my fault for leading him astray
and destroying his faith. My own faith had started to slip too, I was
left wondering why God had done this to me, why he had made me like
this. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. I knew what that
really meant, as my life was unravelling before my eyes.

I came to Jerusalem to find God, but instead I went completely off the
rails. You saw how many times I came back drunk. I was up in the New
City, wandering from bar to bar, trying to get the courage to go to
that park, you know, where all the gays go at night. I figured if I
could make it seem sordid and disgusting that I would find the strength
to turn my back on it. I never made it to the park, thankfully. And
then there was you.

After getting to know you, it was like a ray of sunshine had come into
my life, at my darkest moment. It was after that first night I kissed
you that I knew I would never become a priest. You were right when you
asked if all I needed was the strength to commit myself to celibacy. I
don't have that strength, purely because loving Tim, and you, has shown
me how beautiful it can be, and I can't make myself believe it is
wrong. I ran away from Tim and I found you instead. I think if God is
sending me any kind of message, then this is it. But we're different
you and I. You aren't like me.You have Suzanne. You
don't feel the same way about me, you never can. That's why I can't
allow this to go any further, but I want you to know that as long as I
live, I will never forget you .As I'm writing this, I can hear Ben
laughing down in your dorm and I know you're in there, probably
drinking and having a laugh. I am longing to go down and say goodbye,
but I know the minute I step into the room, I'll see you and crumble.
My heart will start pounding and I'll never be able to go. I need to
rebuild some bridges, with my family, with Tim. My mother says he's
fine, he's teaching ceramics at the local college. He always was good
with his hands (don't laugh.) So don't feel down, say hi to Suzanne for
me and I hope you guys can be happy. Take care, Robert xx."

I leaned my forehead against the cool metal door, closing my eyes. I sat
there for what seemed to be an eternity, not moving a muscle, afraid I
would cry, or scream. No, no, no. I banged my forehead gently against
the door in time to the repetition of the word, trying not to think of
him, last night, anything.

There was no address, or contact number.

I would never see him again.

*	*	*

It was a while before I realised dimly that someone was calling my name,
several people actually. I was still sitting in the cramped toilet
cubicle, forehead against the door, the letter clutched in my hand.

"Alex!" two voices called simultaneously. I was startled and stood up,
rapidly stuffing the letter into my pocket.

It was Jens and Suzanne. "Alex?" she called. "You've been in there over
an hour, are you all right?"

"Alex, man, you'd better not be doing anything stupid in there." Jens
was starting to pound his fist against the door. Irritably I pulled
back the lock and walked out. "Can't a man have a crap in peace?" I
said, trying to sound casual, as Suzanne flung her arms round me. Jens
looked sheepish and muttered something about a card game on the roof.

"You are a sight for sore eyes" I said, burying my face in her hair,
inhaling the apple aroma of her shampoo.

"Jens told me Robert left" she whispered.

I looked into her eyes. "I'm OK" I lied, my voice soothing. "That's how
things are. People move on. I know that." I pulled a strand of hair out
of her mouth and tucked it behind her ear, trying to smile. "I missed
you" she said, kissing my cheek. "I won't move on. Not without you."

I smiled. "Show me your sketches from Jordan"  I said, and followed her
out into the teeming reception area hoping no one would notice that my
heart was breaking.

*	*	*

Jerusalem wasn't the same any more after Robert left. Days went by, and
I was starting to feel déjà vu. I was bored of working, I was starting
to crave some privacy. Things like that I hadn't missed at first. I
couldn't sit at the Western Wall any more without remembering the times
Robert and I had gone there together. Everywhere I went I saw him, or
ghosts of him. I took to sitting in the Church of all Nations, in the
same seat he had used. I thought about god for the first time in ages,
but try as I might I couldn't feel anything in that church except
emptiness and a terrible sense of loss.

Rebuilding bridges, he had said. I knew I needed to do some of that
myself and finally called my mother. She was overjoyed to hear from me
and begged me to come home. "Maybe soon" I said, and I meant it. When
Suzanne finally said she was ready to leave, her portfolio bulging with
incredible paintings and sketches, I didn't argue.

We bought a bus ticket to Eilat. I still had a decent amount of money
left and I felt like a holiday. From Eilat we crossed the border into
Sinai and shared a taxi to Dahab, a sleepy little backpackers' resort.
I barely spoke for the whole journey there. Saying goodbye to Jerusalem
was the hardest thing, I began to understand how Robert felt, needing
to leave and yet not wanting to go. For the first few days in Dahab, we
lay together on the colourful cushions of the outdoor restaurants that
fringe the Red Sea, ordering coffees and banana pancakes in the winter
sunshine, neither of us regretting too much the fact that we were going
to miss Yasser Arafat in Bethlehem. After all, I had spent months in
Jerusalem and hadn't managed to visit the Mount of Olives. Bethlehem
would always be there. Good reasons to return.

"There'll always be a next time" Suzanne said, sketching the pink-tinged
mountains of Saudi Arabia as I tried to slurp a coke lying on my back,
my head in her lap. "Mind my skirt."

"Will you come home with me?" I asked suddenly, surprised at my own boldness.
"I need to...get stuff sorted out." Rebuild some bridges. Robert was always
much more eloquent than me, I thought ruefully.

She kissed me on the forehead and smiled. "I've always wanted to visit
the north" she said happily. Was I was seriously contemplating bringing
a catholic girl home to my parents? Oh yes indeed. Well, it was better
than a catholic man, I reasoned, laughing to myself, barely able to
imagine the ruckus that would cause...Maybe they would try another
exorcism. Their only son, beguiled by a catholic devil.They were nuts,
but they were the only parents I had. I would have to accept them and
stop hoping they would change.

They would just have to accept Suzanne, to accept me and the way things
were.

I had a feeling they would, this time.