Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2000 17:17:16 -0400
From: Sequoyah <pendor@mailcity.com>
Subject: A Special Place--Part Sixteen
A Special Place--Part Sixteen
Warning!
The usual warning applies: This story contains, or will contain,
sexually-explicit, erotic events involving alternative sexualities. Do not
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Disclaimer
This is a work of fiction, any coincidence is just that, a coincidence.
About This Story
For those of you who need a review: This story is attempting to many
things--some I suspect successfully, others not so successfully. Now seems
an appropriate time to reiterate the purpose--at least to my mind. The
story is a romance and as such, it represents a world more nearly like the
one we desire than the one that is. While some pretty terrible things have
and will happen in the story, the real world is often even less kind. The
major purposes in writing the story were three: to explore many facets of
human love--with a real emphasis upon friendship and caring--to give hope
and encouragement to some who are near the end of their rope and to
educate--the old didactic. Of profound important is a message against
suicide and prejudice.
To those who have written and commented on the grammar, syntax,
spelling, etc., your thanks should go to SAH without whom no one would
compliment these critical areas of the story. May his days become ever
brighter!
It is impossible to convey how much your e-mail means in terms of
encouragement. They make the keyboard hours seem worthwhile, especially
those which relate how ASP has had a positive impact on a life or someone's
understanding. They mean the story will go to a logical end!
I am especially interested in learning where the story is being
read. Currently know it is being read in Hong Kong, Italy, Australia as
well as several locaions in the US. I am also interested in hearing from
other women who are reading the story and how you respond to it. But most
of all, you encouragement is important. The old ego you know!
"A Special Place" is now being posted to Authors Without a Websites:
http://www.TeenBoyAuthors.org/aww/index.asp as well as to Nifty. The
website has guidelines which generally reflect the position of Sequoyah.
A Special Place--Part Sixteen--Matt
"Ouch! Holy shit," Luke exclaimed and, of course, waked me up. I knew
what had prompted the outburst at once as he was ungluing himself from
me. I had said before we were like siamese twins, but we had never been
actually joined before, but it was obvious the results of our first
attempt--successful I might add--at a new way at giving each other sexual
pleasure had dried and glued us together. Clearly we had spent the night
holding each other. After the initial shock of finding ourselves attached,
we both started laughing like mad. That made my need to get to the bathroom
on the double even more necessary. As I jumped out of bed and sprinted
across the hall, Luke was right behind me.
When we had taken care of the need to piss, we donned our sweats,
climbed down the trellis and headed for the road. Michael wasn't waiting
for us. "I wonder where Michael is?" I asked.
"If you'd get sex off your mind you might remember something," Luke
laughed. "He and Greywolf are in Lexington waiting to appear on nationwide
TV."
"Well, how do you expect me to remember something like that when you're
around," I smiled and gave Luke his first kiss of the morning. Rather I
started to when he pulled his head back.
"I don't think you want to do that, Dark Angel. Remember last night?"
"Do I ever--and I'm not talking about sore lips. But you're right. I
don't think my insisting on kissing you last night aided the lip healing
process very much." But I did give him an angel kiss. Some things are worth
the pain and kissing Luke, even an angel kiss, ranked near the top of that
list.
When we finished our run, we hit the shower. After washing each other,
Luke pulled my back to himself, reached in front of me and stroked Chili
Pepper. As he did so, he kissed my neck, tongued my ear and with his free
hand, pinched a nipple. "Luke, Babe, I ready to cu..." My climax hit me
like a tornado. I became so weak-kneed Luke had to hold me up. I mean
really. Had he not held me up, I would have collapsed in the shower. When I
had recovered enough to be able to stand without falling, I stood behind
the man I loved, wrapped my arms around him and caressed his powerful
smooth chest, rubbing his nipples in small circles with the palms of my
hands until they became quite hard. Only then did I take his manhood into
my hand and start slowly stroking it. As I moved my hand up and down his
steel-hard tool, I nuzzled his neck and nipped at his ear. Luke still had
not had his hair cut so it was long enough until no longer curled tightly
to his head. I rested my face in it, inhaling his wonderful scent as I
continued to stroke Little Luke harder and harder, faster and faster. Luke
was groaning and then started gasping in short breaths just before his
climax hit him. Suddenly I realized that he too, had grown weak in the
knees as I held him tightly. We washed away the evidence of our morning
love making, and both came out of the bathroom with a smile on our face. We
quickly dressed and went downstairs.
As we were finishing breakfast, Mom asked about our schedule. "We have
one worked out that we will just have to keep, otherwise we'll never be
able to get done what we need to do," Luke said.
"I can understand why you think you need to have and adhere to a
schedule, even a rigorous one, but take it from someone who has a bit more
experience, you also have to allow time for each other and all of that
can't be scheduled, otherwise your time together will be all scheduled
serious business. You're young and in love. You need time just to play and
be foolish, I mean relatively foolish, not reckless! And I'm not talking
about sex or even making out. I'm talking about playing and enjoying each
other's presence. I'm talking about maintaining another important
relationship--your friendship."
"I really hadn't thought about that. I guess we have been so wrapped
up in all that's going on, the only time we are just being friends is when
we run," Luke said with a very serious look on his face.
"Even then there was time for a kiss--when I was kissable," I added.
"Nothing says you can't mix being friends and lovers," Mom said, "but
you have to allow time for both. So think about your schedule and make time
to be friends and lovers, but be sure there is time just to play. So,
what's on the docket for today?"
"It's Thursday so we stay after school to meet with Mr. Mitchell. That
means we have the final period free, but there's hardly time to come home
or anything. After the tutoring session, I think we should just come home
and relax. I need to talk with Ms. Jones and maybe Mr. Allan about
transportation for the ensemble and chorus when they practice after school
and at St. Mary's. I'll have Paula and Eugene get a list of the members of
the two groups and where they live. If it works as well as it did with the
football team, two activity buses can make sweeps on opposite sides of town
and drop kids off who don't have transportation. I'm sure Dad would drive
one if we can get authorization to use them. I'll talk to Mr. Allan about
driving the other even though he has more responsibilities now."
"Matt, when the school was setting up sweep buses for the football
team, the front office was able to supply county maps and the kids marked
their houses on the map. That was a lot better than just a list. With the
marked map it is easy to plan the buses' sweeps."
"Great. I'll see if I can get maps for Eugene and Paula then we can
combine them."
"What about you Luke?"
"I need to talk with Mr. Stephenson about a couple things I have in
mind. One, at least, will require doing some work in Lexington--I hope--or
maybe even Jackson. Matt, I wanted to start working out during last period
when we have to stay for Mr. Mitchell, but I guess that will just have to
wait until next week."
"Maybe not. Maybe I can catch Ms. Jones and Mr. Allan before school,
get the maps to Paula and Eugene and we can see how things look at
lunch. If you could talk with Mr. Stephenson before school, maybe we can
meet in the workout room and do a workout. I surely need to get back to
some regular schedule and even once a week is better than nothing."
"Why don't we combine the equipment you, Michael and I have and make
our own workout room? We have enough stuff for a good workout and if we get
Michael involved as well, he will not let us slack off."
"Sounds like a good plan, Luke. And, Mom, that would give us some real
play time together."
"Ok, now for another problem. How are you going to work transportation
when you go to St. Mary's since Luke will be with you?"
"Hadn't thought of that."
"Seems you are having a real problem with remembering and thinking
this morning, Sarang Hanun Pomul," Luke grinned.
"I don't want to know," Mom laughed. "Matt, I'm sure Luke is properly
insured to drive the Larsens' cars, but I don't know about him driving
yours. I'll call today and make sure he is covered then he could drop you
off at St. Mary's and come on out so he can work in his studio."
"I bet Mom would pick Matt up and bring him home and that way there
wouldn't be an extra trip back into town."
"I think that would work. It's a pity it couldn't be you who comes
home with Gabrielle, Luke, so you'd have some time together," I said.
"That's something else that will have to be worked out," Luke said, as
tears formed in his eyes.
Mom walked over to him and hugged his face into her bosom as she
stroked his hair. "Look, we're not on the welfare rolls yet. It won't hurt
for you to come on out and if you're not engaged in something you don't
want to stop, you can drive to St. Mary's and then be dropped off at
Gabrielle's office and come home with her.
"Thanks, Mom Greywolf. I'm ok now," Luke said as he hugged her about
the waist.
Since Michael was not going to school, Mom called Gabrielle to see if
Mary Kathryn wanted to go with us. She did. Mom also told Gabrielle Luke
would come into town if he wasn't too deep into what he was doing at the
studio and come home with her. "If he's not at your place by 5:00, would
you go by St. Mary's and pick up Matt? That way Luke can drop Matt off at
St. Mary's and go to his studio the days Matt practises at the church."
As soon as we finished breakfast, Luke and I headed for school, early,
hoping to see the people we needed to talk with today. When we picked up
Mary Kathryn she told us that Gabrielle was giving Jens the "Teutonic
iceberg treatment." "She has tried to talk with him, but he just
grunts. When she got home last night she gave him your message, Luke. I saw
a little thaw, but he quickly covered it up. You know Dad."
"Yea. Well, I thought I did. Anyway, today is your Prince Charming's
time in the spotlight."
"Yea. I wanted to stay home and watch, but you know the rule--school
or the doctor. I think we got the VCR set to tape it, but you know that
dumb thing."
Before we reached the school grounds, I pulled off the road and pulled
Luke to me. "Luke, I'm going to die if this lip doesn't heal. I'm dying for
a real kiss." Mary Kathryn laughed as Luke kissed just about everything not
covered except my lips. "Now we'll have to have a slow ride the rest of the
way so we are presentable," I said.
"Haven't you heard of another use for a notebook," Mary Kathryn
laughed. "I think Michael is going to have one growing to his pants one of
these days."
When we reached school, I went immediately to Ms. Jones' office and
saw she was in.
"What's up, Matt?" she asked when I knocked on her open door.
I explained to her about the transportation problem. "That's no
problem so far as I am concerned. I certainly will authorize the use of the
buses. Unfortunately, I can't authorize pay for the drivers; there's no
money for that."
"Dad will drive one and won't expect pay. I plan to ask Mr. Allan if
he would. I know he has a lot more responsibilities now and I didn't think
about the pay."
"Ask him. He just got a big raise with the job change, for which the
Gang of Four gets much of the credit, and if he has work he can't handle,
I'll see that it gets done one way or the other. How's Luke doing?" she
asked, changing the subject abruptly.
"Pretty good. His mom is giving him wonderful support even though she
says she doesn't understand or even approve of our relationship. And of
course the family is doing all we can for him. But sometimes he just can't
quite hold back the tears. He really loves his dad and misses him."
"I'm sure he does. Do let me know if there is any way I can be of
help."
"How about being a help to all of us and let us see the Today Show
today."
"I had planned on having it piped to all the classroom monitors, but
it would be up to each teacher to decide whether or not to turn it on. Of
course, it starts during homeroom and there's no reason all the sets
couldn't be on then, but you know how Mr. Gray is about using TV, even for
instruction."
"Hey, Jonesie, have you forgotten? You are the head cheese around here
now!"
"To tell you the truth, Matt, I had forgotten for a moment. I'm
running this show now and we'll have an extended homeroom. Thanks," she
said, as she grabbed my braid and swatted me in the face with it, laughing.
"Later," I said, and went to see if Mr. Allan was in.
He was unlocking the door to what had been Ms. Jones office when I
walked up. "What's up, Chief," he asked and jumped when I answered with a
Lakota war whoop.
"We have a small problem that I believe an assistant principal--even a
new one--will be able to solve."
"Come in and tell me about it." When we were in the office, I
explained the transportation situation, including the fact that there was
no money to pay drivers. "You're right, Greywolf will do it without
expecting anything in return--money or otherwise. I am swamped trying to
learn this new job, but with Jonesi... Ms. Jones' help, I'll find a way to
help out. I really feel obligated to all of you who got this school on the
right track, including some of us faculty. When we had to do sweep buses
for the football team, we had county maps to find out where people
lived. Ms. Jones handled that so I don't know where copies of the map are."
He picked up the phone, pressed the intercom button and asked Ms. Jones
about the maps. She told him they were in his office file cabinet and he
got a couple out. "Here you go, Matt, and again thanks for what you and
your friends have done and are doing for this school." We shook hands and I
headed to the commons area.
As luck would have it, Paula, Eugene, Mary Kathryn and Larry were all
sitting together chattering away. I quickly explained the maps and that we
needed to get them done as soon as possible so we could set up schedules
for the ensemble and chorus. "We'll see how much progress we have made at
lunch," I said as Paula and Eugene grabbed the maps and started dashing
about the commons area, chasing down members of their groups.
Just before the homeroom bell rang, Luke walked up and gave the big ok
sign. "Mr. Stephenson is very excited about my idea and is making all the
necessary arrangements for me. Man, it's a go!" Just then the homeroom bell
rang, students gave the obligatory groan and started to homeroom.
As soon as roll was taken, Ms. Jones came on the intercom and
announced that the Today Show was being sent to all classroom
monitors. "And so we can enjoy seeing Independence High School in the light
we would always like to see her, I am extending homeroom until the
interview with Mr. Greywolf and Michael Andrews is complete."
The Today Show was near the end of the first hour when the host gave a
brief summary of what had happened at Independence: "Last week, the
students of a high school in a small southern town were led in a protest by
a faculty member objecting to derogatory remarks and use of pejorative
names in an announcement made by the principal, Mr. Michael Gray. The
announcement concerned the suicide of a former student at Independence. In
the studio of our affiliate are Mr. Patanka St. Michael Greywolf, the
senior faculty member who started the protest, and Mr. Michael Andrews, a
sophomore who led the protest to a remarkable conclusion. "First of all,
Mr. Greywolf, what were the events surrounding the suicide of Gregory
Burnette, the former Independence High School student?"
Dad told the whole story, including the fact that the five who had
abused, beaten and sodomized Gregory had gotten off with a slap on the
wrist. He gave an account of the reason Gregory had left Independence and
why, finally, he had taken his own life.
"And what prompted your protest last Wednesday?"
Again, Dad told about the remarks Mr. Gray had made and how Michael
had brought up the bigotry and attitude of acceptance or indifference to it
at Independence at dinner earlier.
"Mr. Andrews--may I call you Michael?" Michael nodded assent,
"Michael, what part did you take in all this? Michael explained how upset
he was because people were being denied their basic human rights and that
he had just had enough. He looked as if being interviewed on national TV
was an everyday event--cool Michael. "My producer has just given me a
word. We will cut away briefly and be back with Patanka St. Michael
Greywolf and Michael Andrews." After the commercial the host came back and
said, "During the break, our producer has been reviewing the tape fed to us
from our affiliate. She has decided to reschedule guests who were to have
appeared in the second half of this hour in order that we may show the tape
from Wednesday night's 'A Penitential Service for Independence High School
and a Memorial Service for Gregory Burnette'. Before we start--oh--my
producer has just advised me there will be no commercials during the
tape. Mr. Greywolf and Michael may be asked questions or make comments, but
those will be the only interruptions. What you are about to see, my
producer tells me, will give the lie to those who claim today's youth are
worse than ever before. A couple further notes: the organist is a senior at
Independence High School, Matthew Greywolf, son of Mr. Greywolf. The Mixed
Chorus was directed by a senior, Paula Wright, and the Symphonic Brass and
Percussion Ensemble was directed by another senior, Eugene Joyce. In order
to keep the full texts of the speeches by students and faculty, with the
exception of an opening hymn, the music has been shortened as have the
readings. The opening hymn will be heard in its entirety because, as I have
been informed, the Mixed Chorus had never seen the music before they began
putting together the service."
Fortunately Luke and I had the same homeroom because I knew the tape
would be tough for him, and for me as well--but especially for Luke. I
worried about Luke as the service started and went on. I was sure there was
no way he could hold back the tears and was afraid someone would kid him
about it. I needn't have worried, most of the students in homeroom were
weeping silently as the show progressed. When it was over and the bell for
first period rang, students started hugging each other and most, again,
walked out of the room arm in arm. Talk about a conversion experience; one
had happened at Independence.
By lunch, Paula and Eugene had contacted all the members of their
groups and had the maps. We worked while we ate and got the two maps
consolidated. Two sweeps could handle transportation very well, except for
one kid. "I don't think Jackson will prove a problem. We just asked them to
mark where they lived. Jackson got his graduation present early, a new red
Thunderbird," Paula laughed.
Well, Luke and I had gotten all the mess out of the way so when we
were freed by the bell ending next to last period, so we met in the workout
room. There were several guys working out so there was no time for anything
except sweating, which we did in great abundance. When the bell rang ending
school, we hit the showers, got dressed and met Mr. Mitchell.
"Matt, your friend here is ready to roll with the AP exam. He's a
natural at math. I think you're in good shape as well, but I know it comes
harder for you than Luke. I checked with Ms. Norman about the AP exams and
she told me you two were taking four as well as doing a recital and
exhibition," Mr. Mitchell said, shaking his head. "When are you going to
have time for high school fun?"
"Mom got on us about that this morning," I said. "I guess we're just
going to have to have fun later."
"I want you to understand that I am perfectly willing to have an
after-school session with you two until the AP calculus exam but, to be
honest with you, I think you would do much better taking that time for
yourselves and having a little fun. Luke will make a 5 on the exam, I'm
positive of that. Matt, I think you have a chance of making a 5 as well,
but I would place money on your making not less than a 4. Again, I'll be
here if you wish, otherwise, take an hour a week to enjoy being yourselves
and alive with my blessing."
"Mr. Mitchell, you will never know how much your being here for
me--us--has meant. If you think I can make a 4, then I'd say why don't you
also take an hour and enjoy being yourself and having some fun," I laughed.
Luke embraced Mr. Mitchell in a bear hug as I had done before and
said, "Not only am I very thankful that you were willing to give up your
time to help me get back into the swing of things, but even more for your
confidence in me. It's been a hard time and knowing you cared made a
difference." Mr. Mitchell--old Hard-nose himself--got tears in his eyes as
he hugged Luke back.
"Luke, Matt, students such as you two come once in a blue moon, but
they make this job worth it. If you think you need help or get stuck, ask,
I'm here to help. He then actually hugged the two of us and as we walked
out the door said, "Remember, the hour you have free because you're not
here is to be spent enjoying being who you are!"
"Thanks," Luke and I said together.
I had just started the Jeep and was backing out of my parking place
when my cell phone rang. Luke unlocked the glove box and took out my phone
(Of course he has a set of keys to the Jeep! We all carry a bundle of keys
to everything. We are family!). "Matthew's rolling love machine," he said
into the phone with an evil grin. That was followed in a split second by
"Holy shit! Matt, stop the Jeep." I immediately dropped the gear into
neutral and slammed on the brakes, throwing both of us into our seatbelts,
then bumping our heads against the head restraint. "Jesus, Mary and
Joseph!" Luke exclaimed, "what are you trying to do? Kill us? I guess you
might as well and save Mary Kathryn...."
"Holy shit is right!" I practically shouted and immediately threw the
Jeep into reverse and backed into the school parking lot at top
speed. Before I got stopped a very mad Mary Kathryn came out of the
building. "Bring on Jens," I told Luke, "but protect me from that wild
woman!"
Mary Kathryn got into the Jeep and promptly bashed Luke a good one
upside the head with a huge science textbook. "The very idea leaving your
beautiful, loving, gentle sister stranded at school." I was dying laughing
when Mary Kathryn said, "And just what are you laughing at Mr. Greywolf?
What makes you think you've escaped?" Before I could get out of the way,
the textbook landed upside my head.
"Will you get that wild woman under control so we can enjoy being
ourselves?" I managed to say to Luke while making sure the attack was over.
"You know, Mary Kathryn, I believe in early marriage, like at fifteen,
if the bride and groom are sent out of the country. I'll have to discuss
that with Michael."
"Ok, guys, you're forgiven. But what happened to the tutoring
session?"
"Mr. Mitchell thinks we are about as ready for the exam as we'll ever
be so he said he was giving us an hour a week to enjoy being ourselves."
"Hard-nose said that? Course, I don't know how you two could enjoy
being you. The very idea leaving a poor, beautiful, loving, helpless girl
stranded at school," Mary Kathryn said in a pouty kid's voice.
"Beautiful, yes; loving, maybe; helpless, never," I said.
"Matthew, you say the nicest things," she said, this time in her
magnolia-scented-helpless-southern-belle voice.
"I'll tell you one thing, Luke, Michael has more balls than I think I
could muster if he thinks he can tame this hellcat."
"Ok, guys, fun's over.
When we reached our place, we stopped and I saw there was a message on
the machine. Mom's voice said, "Dinner at Millie's Saturday night. Bit of a
celebration Millie has cooked up. I'll be home before five. Supper's at
7:30."
"Greywolf and Michael should be home by now. I wonder where they are?"
Mary Kathryn was puzzled.
"Don't know. Anyway, you want to go home?"
"Matthew, you are trying to get rid of me so you and Luke can make
out. I know what's up."
"I just wanted to know whether you wanted to go home or stay and
observe how real making out is done."
"Don't think I need any lessons, O Busted Lip. Take me home."
As Mary Kathryn started to get out of the Jeep, she turned and kissed
Luke on the cheek. "I miss having you around, brother mine."
"Miss you too, sister mine," Luke said and I saw tears forming again.
She then leaned over the seat and kissed me. "Matt, love you man, and
everything will be all right. But don't you ever leave me stranded again!"
she laughed, jumped out of the Jeep and ran inside.
"Lover, we have the house to ourselves... "
"Yea, but to the falls, Sarang Hanun Pomul."
I parked the Jeep at the river bridge and the two of us walked, arm in
arm, across the meadow to the falls, crossing the canes behind us. Luke had
snagged the blanket from the Jeep and spread it in the shade of a huge oak
at the basin's edge. He stretched out on it and raised his arms. I was on
his body immediately, wanting more than anything to kiss his lips, to taste
my Luke. Luke smiled up at me, took the bands from my hair and kissed my
eyes. "You are so beautiful my Sarang Hanun Pomul; I almost hurt just
looking at you. My heart is so full of love for you that at times I think
it will just burst wide open." He continued looking into my eyes as I used
a finger to trace patterns on his face, paying particular attention to the
lines surrounding his gentle smile. "Matt, would you mind if we just lay
here holding each other? I just want to feel you near me right now." In
answer, I looked into the depths of his ocean blue eyes. I saw pain there,
but I also saw oceans and oceans of love which bought a smile to my
face. "My beautiful Korean Lakota, you are mine and I am yours. What if
there are problems to be solved or there is work to be done? We have all we
need right here--except, damn it, I really do need a kiss!" he laughed, his
eyes shining.
After discovering the power of bringing each other off, I kinda
expected that's what we'd do until we did the REAL thing, but suddenly I
realized that just being here, looking into the eyes of the man I adored
and who adored me, being held in his arms as I held him in mine was just as
great. "Luke, Yonghon Tongmu, every day I think I couldn't possibly love
you more and every day I discover I am wrong. You are... no, there are no
words good enough. You are you and for that I am thankful beyond belief and
you are mine and... throwing caution to the wind--almost--I gave Luke the
gentlest angel kiss and nuzzled his neck as he kissed my hair.
I guess the events of the past few days--it only seemed like years--finally
caught up with us because, as we snuggled in each other's arms, we drifted
off to sleep.
A Special Place--Part 16--Jens
After everyone had left following Luke's claim that he was a queer and
in love with Matt Greywolf, Gabrielle and I talked for a couple
hours. Actually, there wasn't much talking on my part--or listening for
that matter. Gabrielle was carrying on, but I had learned long ago that
when Gabrielle was in this kind of mood just to keep quiet until she ran
down. The bottom line was that Luke thought he was a faggot and in love
with Matt Greywolf.
My conscience was clear about what I had said about Matt because I knew
that Gabrielle and I had raised Luke right. We had been firm with him, but
fair. The Greywolfs, on the other hand, had not believed in "Spare the rod
and spoil the child." Of course, I had never seen Matt do anything that
would have caused me to take a stick to him but, then again, I had not
lived with him. I'm sure there had been plenty of times when he needed his
butt busted and didn't get it.
I had to admit to myself that I lost my temper and hit Matt. I
probably shouldn't have done that, but he had made my son a faggot--I was
sure of that because I knew how we had raised Luke. I also knew that
faggots roast in hell. I was trying to snatch my son from the very jaws of
hell.
Gabrielle kept talking and I was only half listening, nodding
occasionally. I was listening enough so that when she asked, "Jens, do you
love your son?" I answered.
"Of course I love my son. I love Luke dearly. Why do you think I was
upset? Why do you think I care that he's a faggot? Gabrielle, you've talked
enough. I'm going to bed."
"I don't expect I'll sleep too soundly after tonight, Jens, so I think
you might sleep on the couch. Or you could sleep in Luke's bed; because of
you it won't be used."
I expected to sleep because my conscience was clear. I was more than a
little bit upset with Gabrielle because she seemed to be defending what
Matt had done and what Luke was doing. But I didn't go to sleep. I kept
thinking about what I needed to do to set Luke straight. The next morning
Gabrielle was a little cool, but said very little about the night
before. She did suggest I go to Immaculate Conception and talk with
Fr. O'Brian. I had already decided to call and see if I could talk with
Fr. Muller. Fr. O'Brian was too liberal and I wanted to know what the
church really said instead of some of the liberal stuff Catholics were
saying and doing these days.
Fr. Muller assured me that I was right. Luke might be gay, but he
could only remain in good standing provided he remained celibate and asked
me if he had. I confessed I didn't know and he told me Luke had been to
confession and hadn't mentioned being gay or what he was doing because he
thought he was gay. "He did take the Blessed Sacrament last Sunday so he
either was celibate or he added more to the damnation of his soul," Father
said. He suggested that I remain firm in order to save Luke's soul.
When I got home, Gabrielle informed me that we were having supper at
the Greywolfs'. "How can you act as though nothing has happened?" I
asked. "You are giving approval to Luke choosing to live the life of a
pervert."
"I'm doing no such thing. Did you talk to Fr. O'Brian today?
"I went by Immaculate Conception and talked with a priest," I
responded.
"Well, if you're not going with me to the Greywolfs', you can make do
on your own. I'm going."
When Gabrielle returned from supper, she told me I had missed a great
family celebration. "David and Margaret are getting married Easter
afternoon at the falls. Fr. Tom is officiating. Also I have a message from
Luke." I expected he would have made some smart-mouth comments and was
thunderstruck when she told me he said he really, really loved me and he
missed his dad. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.
"Jens, Luke asked me a question which has me really thinking."
"What's that?" I asked, not having any idea what to expect.
"He was talking about the fact that he was no different now or night
before last than he was a week ago or a month ago or even a year ago. He
asked why you hated him now when you had loved him before. I assured him
that you still loved him. You do, don't you?"
"Of course I do, Gabrielle. Does he, do you, think I am some kind of
monster that hates his son?"
"I know that you love him and that he loves you, but he also loves
Matt. He asked me a question which opened my eyes. He asked, 'Mom, how
would you feel if someone hit Dad because he loved you?' In an instant I
saw Luke's love for Matt in a whole new way. I'd ask the same question of
you, Jens, how would you feel if someone hit me because you loved me? How
would you feel, Jens? Maybe if you can answer that for yourself, you can
understand how Luke feels because you hit Matt." I pretended I had not
heard what Gabrielle had said, but she knew I had.
I slept on the couch again, not because Gabrielle had said anything,
but it was just the easy way out. I had little trouble going to sleep. I
had done nothing wrong. Well, I had hit Matt and I wished I had not done
that. But I was only protecting my family and especially Luke, as any real
man would have done.
Sometime in the night I had a dream. I dreamed Gabrielle and I were in
her family's home in Germany. We were young and walked in where her mother
and father were sitting. Gabrielle said, "Dad, I am in love with Jens and
were are going to be married." Her father immediately started shouting in
German so rapidly I couldn't understand him, bounded from his chair and hit
me in the face twice. Gabrielle tried to get to me, but was held back by
her mother.
I woke in a cold sweat. What kind of nightmare was this? I slept,
fitfully, for the rest of the night. The dream would not let me go. The
next morning, Gabrielle fixed breakfast and we ate, almost in total
silence. When we finished, I got ready for work without mentioning the
dream to Gabrielle.
When I got to work everything was topsy-turvy. Millie was present and,
when she is present, things always get a little crazy. Millie had ordered a
large-screen TV set up and packed all the staff from herself to the janitor
in the large conference room. "I might have to bail some of your clients
out of jail for filing some report late, but this morning we're going to
watch my kids shine."
She kept on and on talking about what happened at Independence and
with "her kids". When the announcement was made that the Today Show was
going to carry most of the service, she shouted, "Hell, yes! Now we'll
really see my kids shine!" When Luke stood up to speak she said,"'Course
you all know my son is gay--don't attempt to deny it. I know you get a
charge out of talking about it. Well, I love that boy to death and his
lover maybe more. So you see, when that bunch of kids at Independence
decided to do what they did because a gay young man was driven to kill
himself, I have never been prouder. So watch them shine."
When Luke was speaking Millie, who sat beside me, saying, "Jens, I
can't understand why you're not busting the buttons off your shirt out of
pride over that young man. You and Gabrielle must be some kind of parents
to produce someone as fine as Luke Hans Larsen." I didn't respond, but
inside I was being eaten alive. I was proud of Luke, damn proud, but at the
same time, he was defending the rights of gays to live like normal people
and, while no one knew it, he was defending his right to be treated as if
he were normal. Later Millie would tell Gabrielle, "You should have seen
poor Jens. I'll tell you Gabrielle, that man was wrestling with his soul."
By the time the program was over, there wasn't a dry eye in the
house. Even I was crying like a baby. Why? What was wrong with me? I was
still in the conference room when everyone else had left and Millie came
over to me and said, "Jens, you're taking the rest of the day off. You
might stop by that church of yours and spend some time thanking God for
giving you two of the four finest kids this old lady has ever known. I've
always claimed Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf as my own, but I'm
claiming the other three as well. I'll let you keep your two since you and
Gabrielle have done such a fine job so far, but you better remember, they
are also mine. They are the grandkids I'll never have. Only thing I regret
about Jason being gay, but that's my problem, not his. Go on and I'll see
you Saturday night because the whole family, is going to be celebrating at
my place. Tell the kids dress is casual, but I don't want those boys in
those horrible baggy pants. I've always liked a man with a nice ass and
those boys have three winners!" As I said, when Millie's around, things are
always a little crazy.
I called Immaculate Conception to see if I could talk with
Fr. O'Brian. He could see me in half an hour so I left the office and spent
fifteen or twenty minutes sitting in the church. I don't think what I was
doing was really praying. I was still trying to sort things out. Luke was
gay and in love with Matt. Ok, that was pretty clear. Why was he gay? I
surely didn't know the answer to that one. Looking back I realized that
while the approach to child rearing used by the Greywolfs was certainly
different from that of the Larsens, Luke and Matt were no mama's boys; they
played sports. They both had strong father figures--three, in fact, when I
thought about it. The women in their lives were certainly strong women, but
no one would ever mistake them for anything less than real women. It just
didn't make sense.
I also thought about what I had done. Sure I was angry, sure the
church said Luke would go to hell if he loved Matt carnally, but I had hit
Matt, who was as much my son in most ways as Luke and whom I loved as I
loved Luke--I never showed it, at least not enough, but I did love them
both. There was no doubt in my mind that both had loved me and that Luke
still did. Yet I had hit Matt and, in my heart of hearts, I knew that I
wanted to... ok, I wanted to kill Matt, to protect Luke from him.
Since Gabrielle had talked with Fr. O'Brian, I didn't have to tell him
what had happened previously, but I did talk about my reaction then and
what had been going on in my head since. He listened without speaking,
nodding occasionally to let me know he was still listening. When I had
finished he said, "Jens, my concern is with you and your actions. Luke has
not talked to me and probably won't. He knows the position of the church
and he is honest enough not to live a lie. You know and I know the church's
position on a lot of things--abortion, birth control, homosexuality, many
things. And you know and I know at every Sunday Mass there are many people
sitting in the pews and receiving the Blessed Sacrament who have violated
the rules and will violate then again. Luke is not one of those. Perhaps it
would be better on you if he were less honest, but you raised a son who is
good and who is honest. He is neither going to deny his love nor remain
celibate. The church's teaching that his actions will put him in a state of
mortal sin,but that is not your problem or mine. Luke is an adult and must
made adult decisions and face the consequences. Those consequences will not
wait until judgement day either, as Gregory Burnette's abuse and suicide
prove."
"But you are responsible for your actions." He then took out a book
and read me the statement of the American Bishops concerning the
responsibilities of parents of gay children. "It seems to me, Jens, that
since Luke is still a virgin, as he told his mother he was and I don't
think Luke would lie about that, you are more in danger of being in a state
of sin than he."
"But what am I to do, Father?" I asked. Fr. O'Brian and I continued to
talk about me and what I had done. Finally I was in tears again when he
asked if I felt contrition for what I had said and done. All I could do was
nod. I was somewhat surprised when he pronounced an absolution.
"Jens, your penance is, in so far as you are able, to reconcile
yourself to Luke, to Matt, and to the whole family. And Jens, I suspect
that you will no longer see Luke at Immaculate Conception. Even though no
one knows he is gay and has a lover, he knows and knows that his church
condemns him and his love. Much as what Luke said to Gabrielle, how would
you feel about your church if it condemned you because you loved
Gabrielle. Remember, Luke must make his own decisions. Some will be good,
some will be bad. With some you will agree, with some you will disagree,
but it's his life. Love him for the fantastic child he is."
As I drove home, I thought about that nightmare and realized that the
nightmare was exactly what Gabrielle had asked me last night. How would I
feel if someone hit her because I loved her? I certainly didn't understand
Luke loving another man, but I began to understand how he must have felt
when I hit Matt.
My thoughts drifted about until I recalled Fr. O'Brian saying he
expected Luke to leave the church. I would not have thought Luke would
even consider giving up his church. I thought about the terrible price Luke
had shown he was willing to pay for his love, but I didn't yet know the
whole story.
When I got home I noticed a note on the dining room table. Thinking it
was a note from Gabrielle, I picked it up and started reading. It was
Luke's suicide letter to Matt. I had accused Matt of making Luke a faggot
when neither of them were willing to tell the other of their love for fear
it would destroy their friendship. And Luke, literally, would rather have
died than place Matt at risk after what happened to Gregory. I knew that I
had loved Gabrielle almost from the moment I first saw her and I know I
told her I would sacrifice anything for her--and I meant it--but I don't
think my love for her was close to Luke's love for Matt revealed in his
short letter, a letter which clearly showed he would give his life for that
love.
I took the letter with me as I slowly walked upstairs into Luke's
room. It was a room empty, not just because Luke wasn't there, but because
Luke was gone out of my life. The full impact of what I had done hit me at
once. Grasping for some sense of Luke's presence, I walked around the empty
room and, with each step, the room seemed more empty. As I passed his
closet I noticed through the open door an old school jacket carefully hung
at the back. I smiled remembering how much he wanted the jacket his first
year in high school. He asked for one only once and when I told him it was
too expensive, he accepted the answer without question, but I still
remember the disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as I sat my desk, I recalled having once asked my dad
for a school jacket and he told me it was too expensive. "Besides, you have
a good jacket." Of course I did, but I didn't want the school jacket
because I needed a jacket. I told my secretary that I was going out and
wouldn't be back. I went to the shop and bought an Independence High School
jacket and waited until the clerk could get Luke's name embroidered on
it. When I got home, I put it away until we had finished supper. I went to
my room, got the package and came back to the den. "Luke, I have something
for you, Son," as I handed him the package. He looked puzzled, slowly
opened the package and became as excited as he was on Christmas morning
when he was a kid. He grabbed me, gave me a big hug and kissed my
cheek--something we never do. He put on the jacket and practically wore it
day and night thereafter. When he could no longer wear it--I would say when
he outgrew it, but he wore it long after it would have been called
"outgrown"--he placed it on a hanger and carefully hung it in the back of
his closet.
I took the jacket and, as I slipped it off the hanger, I felt as if
Luke was there. Tears started filling my eyes and soon I was crying so hard
I couldn't see. I clutched the jacket to myself and lay down on Luke's
bed. "If my Luke and, yes, his Matt don't forgive me, I would go insane," I
thought as I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness.
A Special Place--Part Sixteen--Matt
Luke and I must have a built-in alarm clock because we both woke an
hour later, still entwined in each other's arms. As I opened my eyes, Luke
opened his and we looked into the soul of the other as smiles spread across
our faces. Once again I brushed his lips ever so gently with mine--I guess
the healing was going well, but I wasn't ready for heavy action again,
yet--and he kissed me on the neck and under my chin then said, "Much as I'd
like to stay here forever, I guess we better go."
When we got to my place, Yong Jin was home.
"What's going on, Mom?"
"Well, Millie had a big-screen TV brought in this morning and had
everyone working for the firm to watch the Today Show. Apparently she put
Jens in a hard spot by bragging on you four. She called Gabrielle to tell
her we were all to be at her place Saturday night for a 'little
celebration.' She had told Jens the Gang of Four belonged to her, 'the
grandkids she would never have' and Jens better remember that. Also, she
told Gabrielle she had told Jens dress was casual, but to tell you guys no
baggy pants because she likes a man with a nice ass and you three have
winners!" All three of us started laughing. "Knowing Millie as I do, that
is the toned-down version of what happened. Kinda feel sorry for Jens
because when you hurt someone under Millie's protection, you have taken on
a she-bear." Mom concluded, "So you two better get yourselves dolled up in
something that will show Millie some ass tomorrow night!"
"Mom!" I said as I turned bright red.
"If you don't want to do it for Millie, do it for me," Luke
laughed. "Guess I'd better run. Have homework to do and may get started on
my project. Love you, Babe," he said as he kissed me on the forehead.
"Luke, do you know I kissed you like that day after day when you were
in the hospital?"
"Yea, now that you mention it, I did know that. Babe, it kept me
alive."
"Maybe it'll keep me alive until my lips heal. I'll run you home."
"Think I need the walk. Later."
I went to my room and worked on a composition. I had a rough sketch of
the two which I planned as the heart of my recital. I needed to get one of
them done so I could get Eugene to help me with the brass and percussion
parts and, while I would have the choral parts written, I did want to run
them by Paula. And, of course, the two groups needed to get them so they
could start practice.
After I had worked about an hour, the phone rang and Mom called
upstairs, "Matt, Greywolf, come quickly. Gabrielle needs us." I was so
absorbed in what I was doing, I neither knew Dad was home nor had I heard
what Mom had said at first, then my heart skipped a beat because her tone
of voice let me know something very serious was wrong.
A Special Place--Part Sixteen--Luke
I walked home, absorbed in thought about what had happened in the last
week. I had never realized just how much I really loved my dad and how much
I would miss him. I finally convinced myself that I had to stop focusing on
his rejection or I would be a puddle of tears again. When I reached David's
place, no one was home and I debated a few minutes whether I should do
homework or go to the studio. Actually it wasn't much of a debate. Given
that choice, my art always wins. I guess I had been working almost an hour,
deep in thought and sketching for two major projects I was planning as the
centerpiece of my exhibition as Matt was working on two compositions for
his, when I suddenly realized someone was pounding on the studio
door. "It's open," I yelled.
Matt rushed in and said, "Luke, Gabrielle just called and needs
us. David is not home and Michael and Greywolf just got back and went
straight to your place. I came to get you when I remembered you didn't have
a phone in the studio. I have no idea what's up."
"My God, I hope Dad hasn't done something foolish. Millie kinda laid
one on him today and he doesn't take things lightly as we all know so
well. Let's go."
It took less than three minutes for us to reach the Larsens'. When we
went inside, Mom was crying and Mary Kathryn and Yong Jin were trying to
comfort her. Michael and Greywolf were nowhere to be seen. "What's going
on?" I asked, completely bewildered.
Mom started to talk and choked up so Mary Kathryn answered, "When I
got home today I had homework and went outside to the patio to do it since
the day was so pretty--so I didn't hear anything going on. When Mom got
home she asked where Dad was and I told her I guessed he was at work. She
told me his car was in the garage, so we called him. When there was no
answer we looked the house over and didn't find him. That's when Mom called
Yong Jin."
"Where are Michael and Greywolf?"
Mary Kathryn swallowed before she answered, "They have gone to the
falls."
"Maybe he needed time to think, Luke, and you know we all go to the
falls to sort things out," Matt said.
"That's not why I went there," I said as I pictured Dad in the river.
"Luke, you know your father and his absolute devotion to the church;
you can't possibly think he'd do anything..." Matt paused and I saw
reflected in his eyes the fact that I had never questioned my church's
teaching until.... Matt embraced me and held me tight as tears started to
flow. I knew that soon I would be out of control. Trying to keep control of
my emotions, I held Matt tighter and tighter.
As I was regaining some control, the door opened and David and
Margaret came in. Yong Jin explained what was going on and both were
stunned. David asked if anyone had searched the outbuilding and when
Gabrielle shook her head, he went outside.
"Mary Kathryn," Matt said, still holding me close as I clung to him,
"you and Gabrielle have searched the house?"
"Sure, the den, Mom's and dad's room, kitchen, dining room, even the
bathroom."
"Luke, come with me," Matt said, "I know where your Dad is." How could
he know when the entire family was frantically searching and had searched
everywhere? "Mom," he continued, "get Margaret and David, please." With
those words, Matt put his arm around my waist and we walked toward the
stairs.
"Why are we going upstairs?" I asked. "I can't recall the last time
either Mom or Dad set foot upstairs.
"Because I know where your Dad is," Matt answered as we continued up
the stairs. At the top of the stairs, Matt turned toward my room and when
he reached it he very quietly pushed the door open. He was right; he knew
where my dad was. Dad was lying on my bed, hugging an old school jacket of
mine to his chest, his knees in a fetal position. We walked as quietly as
possible to the bed. As I reached the bed and looked down on Dad, I could
see the tear stains on the pillow where he had been crying. From the size
of the stain, he had cried more lying there than I had seen him cry in my
entire life.
I reached out to touch him when Matt restrained me, placed his finger
to his still swollen lip and motioned for us to leave the room. I didn't
want to, but Matt would not stop pulling at my arm. When we left the room,
Matt closed the door without a sound, again placed his finger to his lips
and led me downstairs. As soon as we were downstairs Matt said, "Luke, I
didn't want you to wake your dad because I think maybe more is involved
here than just his falling asleep. I want to check with Margaret before we
do anything."
We walked back into the living room where David and Margaret were
waiting with the others. "We found Dad, he's upstairs in my room. Someone
needs to tell Greywolf and Michael."
"We saw them walking this way when Yong Jin came to get me," David
said.
"Margaret, Matt thinks you should take a look at Dad before we do
anything."
"How does he look?" she asked. Matt and I described what we had seen
when we went into my room.
"Luke, it sounds to me as if your dad has a perfectly natural reaction
to traumatic shock--more than one shock, actually. Yong Jin and Gabrielle
have been filling me in on all that happened today, but think back to night
before last when he learns his only son is gay, something he has just
condemned. In reaction, he becomes so violent he attacks a young man he
loves as much as if he were his own son. He draws blood from a man he had
watched grow up, played with and loved for almost eighteen years. Further,
he realizes that he has driven his son from his home. Finally, he placed
himself outside the family which has always been of supreme importance to
him.
"Last night came when he knew we were together and he was here
alone. Surely he condemned himself over and over again as he sat here
utterly alone. Your mom comes home and says something like, 'Jens, you
missed a wonderful celebration. David and Margaret are getting married!'
Not only did he miss out on an important family event, but also the family
went along as always without him. Try to understand how he must have felt
inside. Think how he must have struggled with his 'I'm right, they're
wrong' position when all around him everything pointed to his being in the
wrong. Think of the guilt he was carrying, whether he was conscious of it
or not."
"I could be wrong, but I suspect Gabrielle could tell you that this
morning he put on a more 'business as usual' front than his usual one." Mom
nodded in agreement. "So he goes to the one place where everything is neat,
orderly, predictable--debits on one side, credits on the other--only to
find it is topsy-turvy. That he might have been able to handle, but his
internal conflict was also tied into what was taking place at work. Millie
had brought the whole thing right into his territory. Not only that, but he
and everyone--from the janitor up--watched as the event which started the
chain of events involving him was replayed right before his eyes,
big-screen and in living color."
"Now add to all that Millie's making it known that she thought you and
Mary Kathryn were two of the finest people she had ever met. She kept
holding the two of you up as models for all kids AND--here is the
biggie--she gave him and Gabrielle credit for being outstanding
parents. While she knew what he had done, he did not know that. Again, try
to imagine the internal conflict. To cap it off, she gave him the day off
and told him to go to church. She said to offer thanks for you and Mary
Kathryn, but I suspect she knew that if he went, he'd have to struggle with
the whole question of your being gay, loving Matt, and his reaction to
it. Yesterday, if Gabrielle was right, he had his position more or less
reinforced by Fr. Muller. If he went today, I don't think he talked with
Fr. Muller and Fr. O'Brian is going to stick to the teaching of the church
which includes telling parents they are not to disown their gay children,
but to love and support them."
"I suspect he drove home, went upstairs, looked at that empty room and
collapsed. The closest he could come to you, maybe forever, was an old
school jacket which, for whatever reason, held more of you than anything
else. He lay down and either his body just gave up and he went to sleep or,
more likely since he is in a fetal position, his mind tried to take his
body back to a place and time of peace. When he wakes up he may be,
outwardly at least, the same as before--I doubt that--or he may be, in a
real sense, a newborn Jens."
"What needs to be done, Margaret?"
"Gabrielle, one question. Did you tell Jens that Luke had asked you how
you would have felt had someone hit Jens because he loved you?" Mom was
crying softly as she nodded "Yes."
"And Jens' reaction?"
"He didn't show any reaction at first, but when I added, 'And that's
when I began to see Luke's love for Matt in a very new light,' he got a
strange look on his face, a kinda puzzled look, but said nothing."
"Then Luke, I suggest you and Matt, both, go upstairs and wait for
Jens to wake up. Don't wake him unless he sleeps for more than another
couple hours. If he continues to sleep longer than that, then come get
me. Otherwise, sit and wait."
Holding hands, Matt and I went back upstairs, opened the door quietly
and walked over to the bed. I sat at the head of the bed beside my dad and
Matt sat next to me. He put his arms around me and nuzzled my hair. I
smiled to myself thinking the hair fetish was indeed catching. We sat
perfectly still for what seems hours, but was really only fifteen or so
minutes.
I kept looking at my dad's face and the tear stains on the pillow. My
eyes became tear-filled as I thought about how much I really loved Dad and
how deeply he had hurt me and the man I loved above all else but, instead
of becoming angry, I thought about what Margaret had said and how much I
had hurt and disappointed him. I didn't feel guilty because I was who I was
and could not change that and even doubted that I would if I could.
Unconsciously, I began stroking Dad's hair. As I looked at Dad's face,
his eyes slowly opened and he smiled. Dad has a great, hearty laugh, but he
seldom smiled. I think he considered smiling unmanly. But he smiled,
reached out an arm and pulled me to himself. His other arm reached out to
Matt and Matt was also in his embrace. "Luke, Matt, I was wrong. I have
never been more wrong in my whole life. Can you ever forgive me?" he asked
as his eyes filled with tears.
"Dad, I love you and of course I forgive you. I know that who I am and
who I love has caused you great pain and disappointment, but you also
caused me deep pain and hurt and you hurt the man I love more than I love
life itself. I am who I am and Matt is who I love so, for that, I cannot
ask forgiveness because it is not wrong; it is just the way it is. I do ask
your forgiveness for the way I told you and for the pain I caused by
attempting to take my life. I love you, Dad, and I never want anything to
separate us."
"Luke, you are who you are and I am proud of the Luke who is and, Son,
I love you more than you can ever know and certainly more than I have ever
told you." Dad held me to himself in a bear hug until both of us stopped
crying."
"Matt, I cannot excuse myself for striking you. I will neither forget
nor forgive myself for that. I have loved you as a son since the day you
were born. I don't understand two men loving each other in the way you love
Luke. My church does not approve of it, but that is my problem. Can you
ever forgive me for what I have done to you and Luke, please?"
"Jens, you are the father of the man I love. I love the son who loves
you. How could I not forgive you? I know how difficult it is for you to see
that what you thought was one way is actually another. I am sorry that you
learned about my love for Luke the way you did and I am sorry that the
results caused so much pain for the whole family. I knew my face would
heal, but I was terrified that the wound to the family would never be
healed. Had that happened, I would not have been able to forgive, but I
know that forgiveness on all our parts is the only way the wound can be
healed and, other than my love for Luke, nothing is more important to me
than the love I get from and have for the family. Of course I forgive
you. Not only that, you must also forgive yourself. You're right that
you'll never forget and that's ok, but you must forgive."
Dad sat up, pulled Matt and me into a huge bear hug and held us both
until Matt said, "Jens, I can't breathe!" We all laughed and the weight of
the world was lifted from our shoulders.
***
Again, comments and anything else you care to write are welcomed by
Sequoyah. Write me at pendor@mailcity.com.