Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 01:40:02 -0500
From: Sequoyah Pendor <pendor@mailcity.com>
Subject: A Special Place--Part Five
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Disclaimer
This is a work of fiction, any coincidence is just that, a coincidence.
About This Story
If you haven't read "About This Story" before A Special Place--Part One,
please do so. It explains what this story is attempting to do.
The encouragement and comments concerning the story thus far have been
overwhelming, deeply moving, and humbling. Many have identified with Luke
and Matt or have seen in Matt's and Luke's situation reflections of the
situations of friends, especially the attempted suicide of Luke.
Unfortunately, far too many recount stories of friends who were successful
in ending their life. If even one person reads the story and rejects
suicide as a solution, the effort will be worth it.
An extra special thank you to SAH. Pam, alive or with the angels, this part
is for you thanks to a devoted nephew.
A Special Place--Part Five--Matt
A week after Luke's attempted suicide, I was near total
exhaustion. I hated myself because I wasn't superhuman. When I went to the
hospital for the night, I noticed Dr. Bailey was in her office and knocked
on her open door.
"Matt, come in. How are you doing?"
"That's what I wanted to talk with you about, Dr. Bailey. I'd
never want anyone else to know, but I am just about completely exhausted. I
don't know what to do. I haven't been working on my music, my grades are
approaching the failing mark, and every time I stop for a minute, I fall
asleep. Yet, I am convinced that you and Dr. Walker are right, my being
with Luke does make a difference. I feel very guilty that I am thinking
about myself, but at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can hold
out. I have thought about dropping out of school and doing summer school to
finish even though it would mean I'd have to drop my independent study in
music. So long as there is the least possibility that my being with him
makes even the slightest difference between Luke's recovering or not, I'll
be here. He is more important to me than anything else."
"Matt, if you collapse and end up in the hospital yourself, you
are not going to be able to help Luke. That's reality. And never doubt that
Luke is alive because you have given him hope and a reason to live. I am
convinced Luke would have been dead days ago had you not spent night after
night at his bedside. I have been worried about you, but knew it would do
no good to suggest you spend less time here. Besides, we all know that the
young believe they are invincible and immortal until it is proven
otherwise."
"You are right about that, all of it, but I have had my mortality
and limits rubbed in my face. Isn't there something you can give me which
will keep me going?"
"You mean speed? No way. There has to be some better
way. Dr. Walker is still here. Would you like to have him join us to
discuss the situation?"
"Of course. Anything or anyone you think might help."
Dr. Bailey picked up her phone and had Dr. Walker paged. Minutes
later he appeared at her door. "Paul, would you close the door. We need to
talk with Matt."
"Sure. Good to see you, Matt, but you don't look too good."
"That's what we need to talk about. Matt is close to the point of
complete exhaustion. He's considering dropping out of school and doing
summer school to finish, but that would mean losing some credits which are
important to his future, especially his future in music because he will
have to drop his independent study and the recital which determines his
grade. He has dropped off the baseball and tennis teams, but still has a
very full plate in addition to being here for Luke. He asked about
something to keep him going--speed--but I said no way."
"I have been worried about you, Matt. When I have been here late
and gone to ICU, I have seen you sleeping, exhausted, your head resting on
Luke's bed. You have saved his life--yes, I am confident he will make
it--but he still has a long way to go. However, he is almost completely off
the drugs which have been keeping him in a coma and we started weaning him
from the ventilator. While I can't predict when he might regain
consciousness, or what his condition will be when he does, I have a
suggestion to make. Why don't you go up, talk to him for awhile--not more
than an hour--and then go home. Chelsea, who has decided she is mother to
you two--I have never seen her be such a mother hen--will call you
immediately if she thinks you are needed. By the way, she told me a few
days ago that she knew you two were more than friends. 'Those two beautiful
young men are in love with each other and I hope they have a long, rich
life together. I have seldom seen such love as Matt has shown and I know
that has something to do with why Luke is here.' Hope you don't mind, but I
thought the best way to have her keep her observations to herself was to
tell her the whole story. When I finished, she said, 'You didn't have to
tell me all that. I had figured it out long ago!' By the way, I am
hopelessly heterosexual, but I agree that the scar is sexy!"
I laughed and said, "Honestly, I have been so busy I hadn't even
noticed. David came to the house and checked it and I forgot to look in the
mirror after he left the butterflies off. Obviously I don't have to stare
at a face shaving and I do my hair by feel, but I'm glad its sexy!. . . . I
don't know about your suggestion. By the time Chelsea called, I got up, got
dressed and got here, it would take twenty minutes or so, that is if I
could get awake enough to drive. I think maybe I better just keep up the
usual as long as I can."
"What's going to happen when you collapse from exhaustion and
have to be hospitalized?" Dr. Bailey asked again.
"I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it."
"How about a compromise? Margaret, you'll be leaving soon, won't
you?"
"I should have been gone hours ago. Why?"
"Assuming all goes as well, as I am sure it will, this will be
Luke's last night in ICU. If we can get him completely off the ventilator,
which I believe we can, he can be moved into a semi-private room
tomorrow. That way, Matt, there will be another bed in his room and you can
sleep there if Luke doesn't come around. I'll make sure Luke is the only
one in the room. For tonight, Matt, why don't you go up, spend a hour with
Luke and then come down to Margaret's office. She can have an orderly make
up the bed on the sofa where I know she has spent a lot of nights. Then, if
Chelsea thinks Luke needs you, you can be at his bedside in a few minutes."
"I'm glad someone is thinking straight, Paul, because I knew we'd
never get Matt home tonight. That's an excellent idea. What do you think,
Matt?"
"I agree on one condition. If Chelsea will call me every two
hours so I can spend time with Luke."
"How about every three hours and you spend not more than twenty
minutes when you go up unless there is some unforeseen change for the
worse?"
"OK. I'll agree to that.
"Good," Dr. Bailey and Dr. Walker said together."Matt, you go on
up and I'll have the bed fixed. I'll also get you something to sleep if you
like because sleeping in your clothes is never very comfortable."
I blushed and said, "If you are sure no one will barge in, I'll
just sleep as I usually do, the way my mother birthed me."
"That would be a pretty sight and I'm not kidding," Dr. Bailey
said, then blushed."I'll see that you are not disturbed. Chelsea can call
directly here if she needs to do so or to wake you in three hours. Also,
I'm not going to give you speed, but I will leave something on the desk
which will help you get to sleep quickly and rest. It won't dope you up so
you can't get awake when Chelsea calls."
"Good idea, Margaret. Matt, before I go, I want to say again, the
man you love is alive today because of your love. Don't ever forget that. I
have always known that love could work miracles, but I never thought even a
miracle could pull off what you have done. Do get some rest. Good night and
good night, Margaret.
"Good night," Dr. Bailey and I said together. Dr. Bailey walked
over to me and gave me a big hug. "Matt, when this is over, we are going to
have to have a long talk about how wonderful you are!" Needless to say, I
blushed.
I went up to ICU, leaving Dr. Bailey to make arrangements for my
night. Chelsea greeted me with a huge smile and gave me a good hug. "I'm
glad you are going to get some rest tonight and I promise if there is the
slightest reason to have you come up, I will call. And I promise to call
you every three hours as well. Our boy is having a struggle getting off the
ventilator, as do most people who have been on it as long as he has. It's
almost like your body forgets how to breathe. It must be like those dreams
where you need to breathe and can't. We take him off for short periods,
each time for a little longer, but he just won't give it up. Maybe you can
talk some sense into him! Also, he should be coming out from under the
drugs soon, then we can begin to find out how he really is. Now you get on
in there and convince him he can breathe!" With those words she gave me a
slap on the butt--Chelsea the ogre gave me a slap on the butt! What had
happened to the wicked witch of the ICU I had first heard about?
When I went into Luke's room, he looked more alive than I had
ever seen him since his dive into the river. The ventilator was running so
I decided to have a little talk with him about that and about what would be
going on tonight. "Luke, Babe, you finally look like a human
being--almost--if you just weren't hooked up to all these machines. For the
first time, your lips really look like you and they look like I could kiss
them forever, but you are still on that fucking ventilator! How am I ever
going to get the kisses I deserve for being here with you night after night
if you don't get your ass in gear and start breathing like a normal human
being? Man, I need a kiss now and all I can do is kiss you on the forehead
and that sucks when your beautiful lips are just inches away." I continued
to talk in that mock serious vein for awhile and then realized that what I
wanted more than rest or anything else right now was to kiss those perfect
lips. "Luke, I love you so much it really does hurt not to be able to kiss
you, to hold you, to let you know how very, very much I love you. Please,
Luke, breathe for me!"
Suddenly, Luke gasped. I didn't know whether that was good or bad
so I ran for Chelsea, forgetting the call button at hand. "Chelsea," I said
as soon as I reached the nurses' station, remembering not to call out,
"Luke is gasping!" The two of us ran back to the room and Luke was gasping
frantically, the ventilator still pumping away. Chelsea quickly
disconnected the hose to the ventilator and turned it off. As Luke
continued to gasp, I became frightened. What did this mean? "What's going
on, Chelsea?" I asked anxiously.
"Looks like someone has decided to breathe on his own. I wonder
why? Have you made any threats or promises?" Since I knew the jig was up
with Chelsea after the conversation in Dr. Bailey's office, I said, "Not
really. I just told him I was tired of kissing him on the forehead and not
on his beautiful lips and that his insisting on the ventilator sucked
because I couldn't have the kisses I deserved for being here night after
night and asked him why he didn't get his ass in gear and start breathing
like a normal human being. That's all."
"Well, it seems that was enough. We can't be sure he will continue
to breathe on his own for awhile, but since he got you pissed off, I
suspect he knows he better," she said with a laugh. "We'll have to leave
the tubes in place until Dr. Walker sees him in the morning, but I suspect
when you come back tomorrow night, you can give him at least one great
smack on the lips. You've done it again, Matt, My Man!"
Do I need to say I blushed? I think I have taken to having hot
flashes I am blushing so much these days.
"I'm going to leave the ventilator disconnected. We're able to
monitor Luke's breathing from the nurses' station and should he stop
breathing, we can reconnect it in seconds. But I don't think that will
happen. Should anyone decide to nominate you for sainthood, I'll be the
first to testify to your performing miracles! But even saints have to have
their rest and, Young Man, your twenty minutes are up. Go get some rest."
"OK, but you promise to call me if anything happens?"
"Of course I will. Don't you doubt it."
"Then I'll see you in a couple hours."
"You'll see me in three hours, not two!"
I kissed Luke on the forehead as I had done so many times, told
him I would be back in three hours and, this time, left him with real joy
in my heart as I went downstairs to Dr. Bailey's office. Ordinarily I think
that I would have immediately collapsed in bed, but I was so excited that
when I was undressed, I took the medicine Dr. Bailey had left for me and
slipped between the cool sheets. As I felt my body relax, I mentally sang a
song of thanksgiving to my God for bringing Luke back to me, for Chelsea,
Dr. Bailey and Dr. Walker, and for everyone who had made it possible for me
to be with the man I loved and promptly fell asleep.
When I left Luke the next morning, he appeared to be simply
asleep. For the first time, he looked natural and real. With the exception
of the connector for the ventilator and a single IV, only the sensors for
the monitors were attached to his body. He had been breathing on his own
since he had gasped earlier and Chelsea, and then Gladys, assured me that
when I saw him next he would be in his own room with nothing attached
except an IV "just in case." I, too, felt like a different person. Not only
was Luke doing well, but the rest Dr. Bailey had insisted upon for me had a
remarkable effect. I felt rejuvenated and really alive for the first time
since Luke's dive into the river.
I got home, took a shower and got dressed for school much earlier
than I had since Luke had been in the hospital. I had been grabbing a nap
before school, skipping breakfast, which my parents had early so we could
have some time together before we all had to leave for school. Today I was
ready when I heard them in the kitchen. When I went downstairs I was
actually feeling great and it obviously showed. "Well, you are all
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning," Dad said in greeting, a smile
on his face.
"I feel the same," I said. "Luke is breathing completely on his
own and he will be moved into his own room today. When I left this morning,
he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. They have stopped the drugs which kept
him in a coma. No one knows when he will come around, but it may be soon. I
would love to be there when that happens.
"It would be great if you could be," Mom said,"but since no one
knows when that will happen and, besides, until he is in his own room, you
can't be there when the Larsens are there. There's really no way to make
that happen, is there?"
"No, I guess not."
"Matt, Jens told me the doctors expected Luke to be coming around
today or tomorrow if all goes as it should and I knew you'd like to be
there, if not when he comes 'round, as soon as possible. I picked up a
pager for you. You know school rules and I'll not defend you if you get
caught. Keep it in those baggy pants of yours set on vibrator rather than
bell."
I hugged Dad tightly. I had always known I had great parents, but
even I have been surprised by how supportive they had been. "Well, I've got
to run. I have some things to do before school. Also, I am talking to all
my teachers today about any work I need to make up or redo. I guess I'll
have to speak to my physics and English teachers tonight. And thanks, Dad,
for taking care of the Jeep. I don't know when I could have gotten that
done." Dad had seen to getting my Jeep repaired and I had it for several
days, but hadn't remembered to thank him. "By the way, are the Larsens
still spending all day at the hospital?"
"I don't think so. Jens said since there was little or nothing
they could do except wait. They were checking on Luke before and after work
and one or the other or both were going by during lunch hour. Since David
is having to go in to the hospital early this month, they take Mary Kathryn
and Michael to school then go by the hospital."
"Well, I've gotta run," I said as I gave my Mom a kiss on the
cheek and Dad another hug. As I drove out of the driveway, I made a hasty
decision. I was going to go to the hospital to see Luke before I went to
school. By this time, I knew my way around the hospital and knew that I
could get to ICU and make sure the Larsens were not there before I went in
to see my beloved. I went up the stairs to ICU, walked toward the nurses'
station, making sure I was not seen. Gladys was coming out of Luke's room
as I reached the nurses' station. When she got near enough, I whispered,
"Gladys! Gladys!"
She looked toward me and motioned me to come on in. "Our
boy. . . ."
"My Man," I corrected her.
"So you're finally going to say what I have known from the
beginning. He's your man."
"I would shout it to the world except it would probably get the
shit beat out of both of us."
"Or worse. Matt, promise me you'll be very careful who you tell
and what you do. I love both of you and if he loves you half as much as you
obviously love him, you two deserve a whole long life of loving each other,
but there are those. . . ."
"How well I know. But how is he?"
"I think he is doing just great. All his vitals are good and he
appears to be sleeping normally. He hasn't had a moment's trouble breathing
on his own. Chelsea told me that was because you gave him an ass chewing
about being too lazy to breathe for you."
"Well. . . ." Then I did it again. I blushed.
"Dr. Walker will be in before long, probably in less than an
hour, and unless I miss my guess, when you see Luke again, he'll be in his
own room."
"Do me a favor, Gladys?"
"You know I will if I can."
"Do you think you'll have any indication when he might wake up?"
"Maybe, maybe not. Why? What did you have in mind?"
"You already have my cell phone number. I can't have that at
school and even if I did, there'd be no way I could have it ring. Dad got
me a pager which I will put on vibrate because I'm not supposed to have it
at school either, but I will keep it in my cargo pants. . . ."
"Yea, and the way you kids wear'em these days, you could hide a
car in the pockets."
"If you have any hint that Luke might wake up, will you page me?"
"Give me the number, Lover Boy."
With that bit of business taken care of, I went into Luke's
room. Sure enough, he looked very little different from the way I had seen
him countless times when we slept over at one another's house, except for
the fact that he had lost a tremendous amount of weight and the days in bed
had taken its toll on his sculptured body. I knew the Larsens could show up
any minute, so I leaned over Luke and kissed him on the forehead. In my
rush, I hadn't done anything to my hair so it spilled over him, enclosing
the two of us. "Today you get kissed for real, Luke, Babe. Just hang in
there until I get back."
As I turned to leave, I saw Gladys motioning for me to hurry. As
the door to the stairs closed I heard her say, "Mr. and Mrs. Larsen, I am
sure you will be pleased to see how you son looks this morning."
A Special Place--Part
Five--Luke
I felt as though a steel band had been placed around my chest. I
couldn't breathe! Some demon had been torturing me with the belief that I
was going to live; now I was dying! All my dreams, all my struggles were
just that--dreams, foolish dreams.
I fell to the ground, tears streaming, but not weeping since I
couldn't breathe. As hard as I tried, I could not pull air into my lungs. I
summoned all the strength I could muster and focused on one
thing--breathing. I felt I was in a vacuum and my chest simply would not
expand. Had I come this far only to die now? Had I heard Matt's words of
love and encouragement only to fade into nothingness? NO! Most emphatically
NO! I would breathe! Suddenly, I found myself gasping, sucking welcome air
into my lungs. I was breathing!
But soon, too soon, I found I could no longer continue. When I
thought I would once again die from lack of air, something took over and
air was being pumped to my lungs. As I was able to breathe or something was
breathing for me, I became aware of a change in my surroundings. I was no
longer in the fog. I was lying on the ground, surrounded by light. I was no
longer in that place of no time. I could feel my body. I no longer felt
like a suspended ghost. Not conscious, but more than I had been since I had
dived into the river, I began to recall the events which had led up to that
moment, but even more importantly, I began to realize that wherever I was,
Matt had been with me. Not all the time, but the times when I needed him
and his strength to fight against death.
Matt had said he loved me. Matt had kissed me, time and again on
the forehead. Matt had held my hand. How I knew this, I did not know, but I
knew it; I was in a dreamlike state. I was almost aware of people moving
around me from time to time, but not fully aware. Once again I drifted into
a state of being unaware and once again was shocked into awareness when I
couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was going on, but this time I did not
panic. I just called upon all my strength again and prayed to God to give
me more until I was able to gasp for air. I was now conscious of time and
realized that I was able to breathe for awhile longer than previously
before it became too much. Several times I was shocked into awareness by
suddenly not breathing and each time I struggled harder to breathe longer
once I started. Each time I found myself struggling for breath, I realized
that once I started breathing, I could go on my own longer and
longer. Then, exhausted, I would collapse into unawareness again.
I became conscious that Matt was near me. I don't know how I knew,
but I did. As he bent over to kiss my forehead as he had done so many times
before, his loose hair fell over my face and I could smell the scent of
Matt, the most wonderful smell in the world--far better that anything
anyone had ever been able to put in a bottle. A deep happiness stirred my
being. When Matt had kissed me, he stayed near--again, I don't know how I
knew--and started talking to me. His tone was mock serious, but serious, as
he told me to get to breathing on my own. I didn't know I had not been, but
I did know that when I stopped breathing, something took over. Drawing
every ounce of strength I had and all I could get from Matt's presence, I
was determined to breathe on my own even though whatever breathed for me
was doing so. Finally I was able to take a great gasp of air into my
lungs--on my own! Once I started, I continued. I realized that what had
been pumping air into my lungs stopped and I was on my own--for Matt. I was
as excited as someone who is not really conscious, but aware, could be.
I continued breathing without help. Matt left and returned after
what seemed an eternity. Once again my face was covered by his magnificent
hair and the perfume of him. For the first time since I had dived into the
river, I settled into real sleep.
I awoke because I knew that Matt was near. Not since I had
plunged beneath the waters of the river had I been so near real
consciousness. I was breathing on my own and knew it. Aside from not being
fully conscious, I felt nearly normal. I was puzzled as to how I knew Matt
was near when I knew he wasn't in the room with me. Almost from the
beginning of my being in this place, where even it was, I could sense
Matt's presence, even when I knew he wasn't beside me. Of course, I knew
when he was beside me, holding my hand, talking to me, kissing me on the
forehead. I wondered why he only kiss my forehead. Then I remembered he
said something about not being able to kiss me because of a machine or
something. I didn't understand, but the fact that he wanted to really kiss
me made my heart skip a beat.
As I lay waiting for Matt to come to me, I realized my throat was
very sore. Sometimes it made breathing uncomfortable, but I was and would
be breathing on my own. Suddenly I knew that Matt had entered my room and
was bending over me. I could feel his hair as it covered my face. After he
kissed me on the forehead, he whispered, "Today you get kissed for real,
Luke, Babe. Just hang in there until I get back." That was enough to keep
me doing whatever I needed to do to "hang in there." With those words, Matt
left and I could feel his presence moving further and further from me. When
I was no longer aware of his presence, I heard someone say, "Mr. and
Mrs. Larsen, I am sure you will be pleased to see how you son looks this
morning." For the first time I was knew my parents had come to see me and I
was frightened.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope you are enjoying the story. A Special Place--Part Six is well on the
way. Write Sequoyah if you wish at pendor@mailcity.com.