Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 23:37:02 EDT
From: ZLATAZOBO@aol.com
Subject: Anything to Turn You On... Part XXVI
Welcome, or should I say 'welcome back'? Here's the legal section.
After reading it, please read the section below.
All Legal disclaimers apply and are in effect. If for any reason it is
illegal where you live to view material of an 'Adult' nature of if you are
under the legal age limit, please leave this site now. The Author reserves
all rights. Copyright 2000. The Author is Terrence Allessandro Julian with
added input by Andrew Simon van Ryan.
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Hello to all. When I finished 'Anything to Turn You On..', I stated that
if you were interested in having the story continue to e-mail me. I have
been overwhelmed with and by your messages. I had no idea!
So, I've decided to continue and pick up a little ways along from where I
left off.
Here comes a warning. Parts twenty-six and twenty-seven deal with a
tragic time in our lives. The subject matter is pivotal and is included here
as such.
My own conduct leading to these events should in no way be considered as
an approval of or as an encouragement of such behavior. It should in fact be
a statement of my disapproval and serve as a warning to others. I do not
condone this type of behavior in any way whatsoever.
That said, I invite you to join Andrew and I again in the continuation of
'Anything to Turn You On....'
Anything to Turn You On...
BOOK TWO / Part XXVI
by Terrence 'TJ' Julian
Forward by Andrew van Ryan
Copyright 2000. All Rights Reserved
Forward
There are two sayings that describe a situation that arose in our
relationship. One is 'Into every life a little rain must fall'. The other
one is 'The Turkey is the dumbest creature on earth. It has to be led in
out of the rain'.
When the rain began, neither Terry or myself paid any
attention. Not until we were nearly drowning in the resultant flood did
either one take any action. So much for the Turkey being the dumbest
creature.
Here are the brief facts, as unpleasant as they are, that lead to
where Terry is resuming his account of our life together.
We stayed out of England for six months. While Terry lazed about
vacationing in the sun, Steven and I wrote songs, working up to eight hours
on some days.
Wills was arrested in Cannes on drug charges a month before we
returned to London.. Peter broke up with him. These two events sent him
into deep depression.
Steven and I began to produce the acts we wrote for. This meant I
spent weeks, sometimes months working until three or four in the morning at
the recording studio, seven days a week. It kept Terry and I apart for all
but a few hours each night. I soon wished I had never started working.
Terry was getting invited to party after party. Growing lonely,
what with me spending so much time on music, he began taking Wills
along. They spent most of their time in the company of one another, since
Wills had moved in with us. They were friends, but never really
close. Wills soon introduced Terry to cocaine and within three and a half
years, Terry was sinking into the sunset. The sun had set for Wills, dying
of an overdose at the age of 24 years. Far too young. I miss my cousin
terribly.
Even with the tragedy of Wills death, Terry continued on taking
drugs. I realized a demon had entered our home and taken up residence
within my boyfriend. I had lost Jesse, I'd lost my cousin and now it
appeared I was losing TJ. Here begins the continuation of 'Anything to Turn
You On...'
...Andrew van Ryan
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I lay on the sofa, watching an old movie with the TV's sound turned
off. The light from the dial showed the stereo was on, but it too was
turned down. I took a gulp from my tequila and orange juice then returned
my glazed stare to the TV screen. A few minutes later I leaned toward the
glass topped coffee table. My fingers searched for the stub of plastic
straw while my eyes remained glued to the TV. Locating it, I glanced down
just long enough to snort some more from the pile I'd dumped there hours
ago. I flopped back on the sofa, adjusting my scrawny figure to fit the sag
I'd worn into it.
'Where are you?' I asked to myself for the ten thousandth time that
night. I would have gone to peek out the window, but was far too
paranoid. So I just laid there, jangled from the coke and dulled by the
tequila.
The light snapped on and I jumped with fright. Andrew stared at
me. "Terry" he asked softly "What are you doing?" I felt the moment of
panic pass and I replied "Waiting for you. What took so long?" He sighed
and said "The guitarist was being a prima donna" He walked over and sat
down across from me. Gazing at me sadly, he said "Terry, I thought you said
you weren't going to do this tonight". I shrugged my shouldered and said "I
didn't have anything else to do". Andrew put his hand to his brow and
looked down. I heard him sniffling.
"Terry, please. You have to quit. You promised me. Didn't you learn
anything when Wills died?" He was repeating the same words he'd used not
more than three days before and three days before that.
"I know, but I get lonely when you're not here" I replied, using
Andy to justify my actions. "Well I'm going to be here all day and all
night tomorrow" he sniffled. "I'm terribly tired, lets just go to bed for
now OK?" Andrew said and got up. He headed for the stairwell and I followed
behind him.
Andy was right. I knew I had to stop and I knew why. That very
night I felt the angel of death following me as I followed Andy up the
stairs.
Entering our bedroom, he began to undress. Before he noticed and
could stop me I opened the dresser, grabbed some sleeping pills and dry
swallowed them.
"Terry!" he shouted as they clung in my throat "Jesus!"
"What?" I cried "I don't want to lie awake all night!" He glared at
me and explained "I'd rather have you lay awake than wake up next to your
corpse!". "I didn't take that many" I claimed, trying to reassure him. He
sank to the edge of the bed and began crying. "This isn't supposed to
happen to us!" he sobbed "It isn't supposed to happen". I stepped to the
bed and sat down "It's OK, Andy" I said, beginning the false assurances.
He turned his tear stained face to me and said "But it's not
OK. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? I mean REALLY
looked at yourself?" he questioned. I shrugged my shoulders. "I thought
not" Andrew sighed and got up. Taking my hand, he pulled me up and to the
full length mirror. "Look at yourself" he said and thrust me in front of
it. I stared at the gaunt, hollow scarecrow reflected before me.
"You're not OK, TJ" he said "A demon has a vise grip on your mind
and you've got to fight him. He's squeezing you tighter everyday. It's
becoming a death grip, Terry and I can't watch it anymore. Oh, Terry! I
can't believe it's going to end this way!" he howled and lost all control.
Andrew sobbed heavily as he stumbled to the bed. I stared as he
went. I wanted to run to his side the way I had so many times in the past,
but the demon who'd taken control of my body wouldn't move. The demon
didn't care. I struggled with him to regain the use of my arms, legs, even
my own mind. Winning the moment I gained an upper hand and I slowly walked
to Andrew. Sitting next to him I uttered "I'm sorry".
He didn't look up, but replied "I know, TJ. You tell me that and I
believe you, but being sorry doesn't make it right. If this happens again
I'm not sure what I'll do".
He believed I was going to die. He'd lost Jesse and now I was
going to die and leave him alone. He was afraid and I was, too.
I eventually got up and went to my side of our bed. I removed my
clothes and slid under the covers. Andrew was getting into bed, so I
reached out and turned off the light. I lay back thinking useless things.
I hungered for him to hold me in his arms, curled up like a
child. So I lay my head on his shoulder. Andrew sighed and asked "What am I
going to do with you, Terry?" I searched for the answer to give him. Not
finding it, I replied "I don't know".
I was awakened by him shaking me. "Come on, it's after 4:00 PM. The
sun's beginning to set already" he said "You need to get up and eat. I
brought you some soup". I rolled over, saying "I'm not hungry".
He stared at me and stated "I didn't ask you if you were hungry. I
said you need to eat. I swear Terry, if I have to pour it down your throat,
you are going to eat this".
I knew he meant it. I could see his face and he was angry. "Andrew"
I began whining. "You're going to eat this, TJ!" he insisted. "I'll try" I
said weakly. "You Will" he repeated loudly. "If it takes you two hours or
two days, you will eat it".
I took almost the two hours Andy had suggested, but I did finish
it. By now it was dark outside. He prodded me out of bed to the shower. I
went in the bathroom and locked the door as quietly as I could. I reached
up under the sink where I had stashed the little box. I opened it and took
out the cocaine. I poured some onto the counter top and began scraping it
into a line. The knock on the door nearly scared the remaining life out of
me.
"Terry?" he called out. "Just a minute!" I shouted, scrambling to
hide the coke and the box. I'm sure he heard me.
"Never mind" he called out. I heard his footsteps walk away. I
listened carefully. Satisfied he had left I scraped the coke out from under
the deodorant can and drew it into a long line. Using the straw I'd hidden
behind the toilet I snorted it up.
Leaning back on the toilet seat, I felt the demons grip seizing
hold of me. Standing, I reached and started the shower. Stepping in I let
the water flow over my head.
'OK, TJ' I thought 'You need to fight. Now HOW are you going to do
it?' Then I heard the bedroom door slam. I listened. Nothing. I shut the
water off and listened again. Nothing. I got out and dried myself. Exiting
the bathroom I saw no one there. I dragged some clothes from the dresser
and had nearly finished putting them on when Polly knocked at the door.
Stepping into the room she said "TJ. Andrew just left and said to give you
this". She held out a folded piece of paper. When I took it from her and
opened it my heart nearly stopped:
'My dearest Terry - I can't watch this any longer. You're killing
yourself and in doing so, you're killing me. I love you with all my heart
and every fiber of my soul, TJ. Perhaps by leaving you I can say more than
by staying. Please Terry, stop now before it's too late. I love you, but I
won't stay to watch you kill yourself. - Andrew'.
"He's leaving!" I shrieked and ran barefoot to the stairs. I
sprinted down them, raced across the room and flung open the front
door. "TJ!" Polly shouted from somewhere up behind me.
I ran out into the cold, damp London night trying to find
him. Frantically surveying the street I recognized his figure walking up
towards the Underground in the distance. I ran, trying to catch him before
he reached the top of the hill.
"ANDY!" I wailed through my tears. He kept walking away. "Please
Andy!" I cried out "Stop! Don't leave me!" I wept "Please!...".
The tall thin figure abruptly stopped, standing perfectly straight
and still. His breath turned to fog and hung in the air. My tears streaked
downward from my swollen eyes. "Please?" I said softly.
He slowly rotated on his heels to face me. His eyes stared down
with his face showing no expression. "Andy" I begged softly "If you leave
me now, where will I find you?" He stared silent for a moment then tersely
commanded "Look up!"
"Wh.. What?..." I stuttered as my tears fell. "Look up!" he
demanded bitterly.
I slowly lifted my eyes heavenward, gazing into the night time sky
above. The Prince of Main Street snarled "Second star to the right and
straight on 'till morning".
When I lowered my eyes again, I saw that he was gone......
.............Continued