Date: Sun, 15 Sep 2002 08:14:58 EDT
From: SrChadWick@aol.com
Subject: Ashamed Chapter 2

If you are reading this illegally don't get caught cause only you are
responsible for your actions.  I hope you enjoy!


Ashamed
Written by Rene
Edited by Dave


Chapter 2

Instant regret is all that I felt the very moment those words slipped off
the tip of my tongue.  I kept repeating them in my head "Andy, I'm gay",
"Andy, I'm gay".  I think I was more shocked by the fact that I had
actually said it than Andy was.  He sat there, motionless.  When he found
out that Skyler was gay he was supportive of him.  Things change when
they hit a little closer to home.  I sat there, staring at him, hoping he
would accept and at the same time fearing he wouldn't.  I was so close to
saying 'Psych!  Just kidding', wanting to forget this moment had just
taken place, but the reality of what happened slowly set in and the
tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.  I broke down,
crying so hard that I had to gasp uncontrollably just to breathe.  I
couldn't raise my head to look at my little brother.  My heart soon broke
as I heard the door to my small dorm room close and I was alone.

*~*~*

I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have experienced in this
last week.  Anger, sadness, regret, shame, and the worst of all, I have
felt completely alone.  I would never have thought that I could, not only
lose Wes, but my best friend and my brother.  And all in less than a
week!  Kyle and I have still kept our friendship but its not the same.
Its like he has drifted away from all of us.  I think that he was also
upset at Sky when he first 'came out'.  Wes has not spoken to me since he
moved out of our dorm room.  I do see him around because we share a
couple of classes, but unfortunately assigned seating separates us.  He
also makes sure that he is the last one to come into class and the first
one to leave, just so he can avoid me.  Andy has done everything in his
power not to run into me for the past week.  He didn't even go home for
the weekend.  He spent it with a friend of his.  He hasn't come by to see
me and I have yet to see him walking around at school.  Kyle tells me
that Skyler still hates me.  Apparently Sky is getting a lot of bullshit
from Andrew and his friends and he blames every torturous moment on me.
I can't say I don't blame him though, if I could I would go back to the
night he came out to me and do it all over again, but this time
completely different.  I have actually contemplated apologizing to him
but I'm scared that he might punch me again.  His anger towards me seems
to be growing as the days go by, and I fear I'll lose him forever if I
don't fix this soon.  But the more he hates me the less I want to
approach him.  Sky, unlike the others, is not avoiding me.  He makes sure
to see me in the quad and to give me cold stares.  The last words he said
to me were 'I hate you' and I'll never forget them.  I also remember Wes
telling me that Sky loved me and that he couldn't understand why.  I
can't help but wonder if any of the love Sky once felt for me remains in
his heart.

In the week that has passed, I can't help to feel like I have fallen into
a hole of self-pity and self-hatred.  The hardest part of my day is
waking up in the morning.  It doesn't help that I go to and all boys
school.  I walk around campus and see nothing but boys and I have to
force myself to turn around and walk away or stare in another direction.
Every thought that runs through my mind makes my eyes well up with tears
and I lower my head in shame.  I constantly feel guilty about being gay.
In my mind it is not normal and I am sad because I cannot accept who I
am.  I have to give myself a pep talk each morning to get myself out of
bed.  That simple task gets harder and harder because I know that from
the very moment I step outside of my dorm room all of the guilt, the
shame, and the sadness take over my head.  I would give anything to be
happy, if only for 5 minutes.  I just want to feel 'normal' again.

Usually on the weekends, Andy and I go home and spend time with our Mom.
This time, though, she would be out of town visiting our sick grandma and
we will have to stay at school. Since its Friday I decided that I would
go to the library instead of class because I did not want to see anybody
and to also get a head start on some schoolwork.  I made sure to sit at
an empty table and spread out my books and papers to let others know I
needed my space.  About halfway through one of my outlines I felt a
presence of someone around me.  I glanced up to see a kid about my age
standing next to the table.

"Can I sit here?"  He asked me.  I was slightly annoyed because I had
planned to sit alone.  I took a moment to glance around the room and
noticed that out of the five tables three were empty and this guy wants
to sit at mine.  Before I could give him an answer he moved my books over
and sat in the seat directly across from me.  I ignored him and went back
to my work.  No more then a few seconds later this guy starts tapping his
pen on the table.  I tried to pay no attention to it at first but my
patience grew thin and I snapped.  I reached over, grabbed the pen out of
his hand, and placed it on the table in front of us.

"Do you mind?"  I asked.  He looked at me and our eyes met for the first
time.  My mind flustered and I quickly forgot my annoyance when I saw his
hazel eyes.  His hair hung loose around his face.  It was about ear
length and dark brown.  His skin was smooth and flawless.  He held his
head at a slight tilt with a huge grin plastered to his face.  I think he
enjoyed irritating me.  It didn't take long for my head to swarm with
guilt and shame for admiring him.  I lowered my head to hide my eyes and
forced my tears away.  I gathered my things and stood up to leave.

"I'm sorry" I said before I turned to leave.

"It's a nervous habit."  He said before I could walk away.  I turned
around and faced him giving him a questioning look.  "The tapping of my
pen" he explained, "I do it when I am nervous."  All I could think was
'can I leave now' but I couldn't pull my eyes away from his face.  "You
can sit back down, I promise not to interrupt anymore."  I debated on
whether or not I should stay but I gave in and sat back down.  I went
back to my books and started doing the work from where I had left off.

"I'm new here."  I tried to hide my annoyance at being interrupted
again.  "I just started this semester" he continued.  I really didn't
want to be rude but if I would have tried to talk I would have sounded
like and idiot so I just continued writing.  "My name is Bryce."  He
said, and then he stayed quiet.  I guess he was waiting for me to respond
and when I didn't he got annoyed and stood up.  "Sorry I bothered you" he
muttered as he gathered his things.

"Hey, wait! I'm really sorry."  I said before he could walk away.  "I
have a lot on my mind.  I was rude, I'm really sorry."  I explained.  He
looked me over and now it was his turn to debate whether to stay or not.
He too gave in and sat down. "I'm Ash" I said extending my hand.

"Nice to meet you."  He said as we shook.  "Sorry I bothered you.  I just
wanted to meet new people."

"It's okay. I had planned to be alone today but I guess some company wont
hurt."  He smiled.

We ended up talking for about an hour and half about school and his past
schools.  It was great to talk to someone new and being gay wasn't an
issue for once.  For the first time in two weeks I had no problems or
worries.  Eventually he had to leave and we parted.  I wanted to take a
nap so I gathered my things and left also.

I was rounding a corner on my way to my dorm room when I noticed Andy
sitting at one of the phone booths ahead of me.  This was the first time
I had seen him since that unforgettable night.  He did not seem to be too
happy and looked as if he was in a heated conversation.  He wasn't able
to see me from the direction he was facing and I was able to watch him
for a second.  I missed him a lot.  Someone called out 'Hey Ash' from the
other side of the hallway and interrupted my thoughts. It was a guy from
a couple of my classes just saying 'hi' but happened to get the attention
of everyone in the hallway, including Andy.  I turned back to Andy and
saw him staring at me.  I could tell when our eyes met that he wasn't
angry with me.  He was sad.  He quickly looked away and slammed the
receiver of the phone into the cradle and walked off not even giving me a
second look.  Not wanting to go another day without my little bro., I ran
to catch up to him.

"Andy, wait up!"  I yelled out to him.  I broke out into a trot to close
the distance between us.

"Leave me alone" He said as I fell into step beside him.  He didn't even
look at me he just started walking faster.

"Please Andy!"  I begged grabbing his arm and spinning him around to face
me. He shrugged my hand off his arm and looked me in the face.

"I said, leave me alone!"  He turned to walk off again.  I couldn't hold
back the tears any longer and I felt them burn down my cheeks.

"Why won't you talk to me?  Why do you hate me!"  I yelled after him.  My
knees gave in and I fell down sobbing.  It took me a moment to realize
where I was and that people were watching.  I regained my composure and
quietly looked around me.  Andy was gone, nowhere in sight.  He left me
again.  I lowered my head in shame and walked back to my room.

Kyle was lying on his bed, starring at the ceiling, when I walked in.
Kyle has never gone home for the weekends, not once since he started at
Cathedral.  His parents sent him to this school when he reached 6th grade
and never once came back to see him.  At first he would lie and tell
everyone that his parents died in car accident but he eventually told us
the awful truth. Kyle's parents didn't want him.  They felt boarding
school was too harsh so they sent him to this private catholic school.
Kyle used to cry at night knowing that his parents didn't want him.  Sky
would tell Wes and I, how he would sleep in Kyle's bed while he cried.
Kyle never talks about his parents anymore.  It's like they don't exist.
His friends are the only family he has.  I think with all the shit that
was happening with the guys, Kyle felt not only torn but also alone.  He
looked at me as I moved around the room picking up some of my mess.  I
glanced over and for the first time in 4 years I really looked at Kyle.
He was one of the cutest boys in our school and I had never noticed until
that moment.  He had dyed bleach blonde hair that he spiked and had the
best dark green eyes you would ever see.  He has the style and the build
of a surfer boy from California.  His lips were fleshy pink and pouty. I
pulled my eyes from his face and continued my cleaning, hoping he didn't
notice me staring.  I hate when I lose focus like that.  It's like I
can't control my own mind.

"Your staying this weekend right?"  He asked me.

"Yeah, I am staying."  I answered back melancholy.

"What's wrong Ash?"

"It's Andy.  I think he hates me" I responded.

"He is your brother, Ash.  He could never hate you.  I've seen the how
close you to are.  He could never hate you."  I looked over at him and he
had a sad look on his face.  "I wish I had a brother."  He seemed lost in
his thoughts and then snapped out of it and smiled at me.  Talk about
suppressing your feelings, but then again Kyle has never been one to open
up.  "Why would he hate you?"

"Umm.. uh... I don't know why, he just won't talk to me."  I said wanting
very badly to get away from the subject.

"Oh, well he will come around.  He always does."  He said confidently.
Maybe he was right.  Andy always comes around.  I nodded as a response
and glanced around the room to make sure everything was in place.  My
eyes locked on his and for a split second I was totally in awe of him.
He smiled and walked over to me and gently placed a kiss on my lips. I
didn't know what to do.  I just stood there shocked.

"Ash.  Ash!  Earth to ASH!"  I heard Kyle call out and I shook the
daydream from of my head.

My mind was playing tricks on me.  I closed my eyes and took a deep
breath and tried my hardest not to cry at the single most 'gayest'
thought I've had since I was 14 years old.  Not able to look at Kyle any
more I grabbed my jacket and left the room as quickly as possible.  I ran
down the stairs as my eyes clouded with tears.  All I wanted to do was
get away from everything.  I ran out the back entrance and into the quad
of the school.  I stopped at a bench to catch my breath and clear my
head.  I can't even express the amount of pain and guilt that I felt at
that moment.  I sat down on the bench and scanned the people around me.
The bench just happen to be facing the parking lot and I spotted Skyler
sitting on the curb waiting for his mother.

Skyler's dad died of a heart attack when we were in seventh grade.  He
took it really hard and even missed two months of school.  His Mom
struggled for a really long time without the help of Mr. Stone.  Sky
makes sure that he goes home every weekend so that his mother isn't alone
more then she has to be.  Finally Ms. Stone pulled up in her blue Volvo.
I saw Sky wave her over and climb into the passenger seat.  He buckled
his seat belt and as she pulled out, he turned to look out at the window
and our eyes met.  I didn't get the cold stare I usually get from Skyler,
instead I saw the pain and sadness I have caused him.  That pang of
regret came crawling back and I had to look away first.  Then he was
gone.  Another weekend without my best friend.

"Hey.." I heard someone say from beside me.  I turned to see who it was.

"Hey Bryce" I said avoiding eye contact with him.  I didn't want him to
see my red eyes.

"Are you okay?"  He asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine.  You're not going home for the weekend?"  I asked.

"Umm... No.  My Mom called and said that she had plans.  I'm stuck here
for the weekend."  He said lowering his head.

"Oh sorry, were you looking forward to going?"  I asked

"Not really" He responded, shrugging his shoulders.  I could tell that he
was hiding his true feelings.  "What about you?  You are not going home
this weekend?"

"No, I usually do but my Mom is out of town.  My grandmother is ill."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."  He responded.  I looked up at him and I
could tell that he genuinely cared and I felt comfortable with him.  I
managed to avoid eye contact the entire time we sat down and talked.  I
also forced myself to pay attention to other things so that I wasn't so
focused on him.  The last thing I wanted or needed was to have another
horrible daydream like the one I had with Kyle.  He ended up sitting with
me for about thirty minutes and we talked the entire time.  After the sun
started to set he asked me if I wanted to go to the lobby and watch some
television, so I agreed.

We entered the lobby that had two big couches and a love seat.  It had a
big screen TV in the center against the wall.  There were coffee tables
and sofa chairs scattered around the room and soda/snack machines lined
up against the wall.  It was like a little cafe.  The residency staff
turn everything off at 9 o'clock during the weekdays but on the weekend
they give us the lobby till about 11 p.m.  Bryce went to the TV and
started flipping the channels.  He stopped on MTV and we went to sit down
on the sofa that was centered to the television.  He sat on one far
corner and I sat on the other.  For about 30 minutes neither of said
anything as we watched a stream of videos.  I was sort of drifting off to
sleep when he finally spoke.

"Hey Ash, it's 7 o'clock.  Want to go get dinner from the dining hall?"
He asked me.

"I'm not really hungry but if you want to go, I'll go." I offered.

"Nah, I'm not hungry either."  One of the residency staff members came
into the lobby.  They usually do rounds to make sure everything is in
order and that everyone was accounted for.

"You boys eat dinner yet?"  Mrs. Weller asked.  Both Bryce and I nodded
in response and she quickly left.  I let out a contagious yawn and rubbed
my eyes.

"You sleepy?"  He asked me.

"Yes, I had a long day, but I don't want to see my roommate right now."
I explained.  It was true seeing Kyle right now wasn't a good idea if I
wanted to keep from breaking down one of these days.

"Well, I don't have a roommate yet so you can use that extra bed if you
want."  Bryce offered.  At first I wanted to say 'no' because sleeping
that close to Bryce was mentally unhealthy for me but seeing Kyle is
worse so I gave in to my objections and agreed.  As we were leaving the
lobby, Andrew, and a friend of his named Shawn, were walking in.  I held
my breath and hoped he wouldn't say anything to me, especially in front
of my new friend, but Andrew couldn't hold in any comments.

"You know Ash, I hear your faggot friend gives great head.  I think I'll
give him a try."  For that split second that it took to turn around I
thought of Sky giving head to Andrew and grimaced.  I looked at Bryce,
who raised his eyebrows, and we turned to face Andrew.  Of course he had
a shit eating grin on his face.

"Sky wouldn't suck your dick if you paid him."  I retorted.  The smile
left his face as he thought of a response.

"Fuck you Ashley...Your a pussy faggot just like him."  At this point I
was to scared to turn to Bryce.  I was scared he may be disgusted with me
after what Andrew had said, but he stood beside me not saying a word.
"Is this your new cock sucker?"  He asked referring to Bryce.  Furious
and embarrassed, I clenched my fist and swung at Andrew.  I surprised
myself on the amount of force I used.  He fell to the ground and I was
quickly on top of him throwing blows to his face.  The impact of my fists
to his face drew blood, and all the fury and rage I held inside for the
past two weeks was suddenly being taken out on Andrew.  I could feel him
struggling to punch me back but I was too blinded with madness to care.
All I wanted was for Andrew to endure all the pain and suffering I have
put myself through.  I wanted to release the guilt and the shame of his
nasty comments out on his already beaten face.  As I raised another hand
to hit his face I was suddenly ripped off of him by my shirt and thrown
to the side, landing on my ass.  I scrambled to my feet to see Andrew
also standing up.  I looked around the room and for the first time
noticed the crowd that had gathered because of the commotion.  Mr.
Scottsdale, who pulled me off of Andrew, stood in between us with his
hands on his hip and a furious look on his face.

"I want both of you in my office first thing in the morning!  DO NOT make
me come and get you!  EVERYBODY to your dorms, NOW!" Mr. Scottsdale
yelled.  The crowd quickly scattered and Andrew walked by me on his way
out.  He made sure to bump his shoulder against mine and mumble some
words I couldn't make out.  I turned to Mr. Scottsdale as he spoke to
me.  "I expect this from Mr. Steven's, but you are smarter then that, Mr.
Hunter."  With that said he turned and stomped out of the room.  I
glanced around the room and locked eye contact with Bryce.  We were once
again the only ones in the lobby.

"Well, now I know never to piss you off."  He said calmly.  I couldn't
help but smile at his comment and he smiled back.  We walked out of the
lobby and Bryce started telling me exactly what happened after I was
blinded by my rage.  I had never lost my temper like that before and was
still a little shocked at my actions.  I raised my hand to run through my
hair but was restrained by a horrible pain the shot though my palm.  I
looked at my hand and grimaced at the pain.  Bryce noticed and handed me
a key to his dorm room.

"Its number 2k, go sit down. I'm going to go get you an ice pack for your
hand."  I found his dorm room and entered.  I sat down on the bed that
was on the empty side of the room.  I closed my eyes and relaxed, going
over all the events of the day.  I opened my eyes when Bryce turned the
knob and stepped into the room.  He handed me an ice pack and went to sit
on his bed.

"So what was that all about?"  He asked.

"My friend is gay and he found out.  He is just trying to get a rise out
of me."  I explained.

"Well, it looks like he did."  He commented. Up until that moment I had
not felt bad about my actions but his comment made me realize that I had
given Andrew exactly what he wanted.

"Bryce, He deserved that!"  I said trying to justify my actions.

"Maybe so, but are you prepared for when he retaliates?"  He asked me.
He was right.  I caught Andrew off guard but now he will come back with a
vengeance and beating him will not be so easy.  I lowered my head again
ashamed of myself.  I heard Bryce step of his bed and walk over to me.

"Ash, You're right!  He did deserve that but it isn't worth all the shit
he is going to put you through after today.  Guys like him do not give up
till they are satisfied, and unfortunately he will never be satisfied."
He said.  I tried really hard to fight back my tears but gave in and let
them flow down my cheeks.  Bryce quickly put his arm around my shoulder
and sat down next to me.  I knew that he knew there was more to this than
I had explained but thankfully he didn't pester me for details.  I felt
stupid for crying in front of him because I had barely met him that day.
He didn't seem to mind but in my head I was beating myself up.  I finally
wiped my tears off my face and looked at my new friend.  His hazel eyes
full of concern.  I was then caught of guard when he leaned in and kissed
me.  At first I thought it was my imagination playing tricks on me again
but the reality set in and I closed my eyes.  He let his lips linger on
my mine before he broke the kiss.  I opened my eyes and new tears came to
my eyes.  He leaned in again this time kissing me with a little more
force.  The kiss was sensual and sweet.  He gently parted my lips with
his tongue allowing entrance into my mouth.  Our tongue's met and swirled
around each other.  My body betrayed me and I leaned back allowing him to
climb on top of me.  Our kiss became a little more rapid and his hands
started to roam over my body.  My body was in submission to his touch but
it didn't last long as guilt slowly seeped its way into my head.  I
opened my eyes and a pushed Bryce of me.  I jumped to my feet but was to
scared to look at him. Disgusted with myself I ran out of his room and
back to my dorm.

Thankful that Kyle wasn't around I went into the bathroom and turned on
the shower.  I stripped off my clothes and slowly moved myself under the
hot water.  The tears were still flowing down my face but soon
disappeared when the water hit my face.  Through out the shower I kept
replaying in my mind, Andy walking away from me, me running away from
Kyle, Andrew's bloody face, and Bryce's kiss.  All of which made me
horribly sad and angry with myself.  My actions made me furious and I
wanted nothing more then to give up and end all my petty problems.  I
don't know how long I was in the shower but when I got out Kyle was
asleep in his bed.  I looked over at the clock and saw that it was still
early.  Only 9:30.  The tears still came to my eyes as I walked around
the room in search of something to wear.  I couldn't hold back the
sniffles and wanted to leave the room before I woke Kyle.  I put on some
sweat pants, socks, an Adidas T-shirt, and left the room gently closing
the door behind me.  I made my way to the stairwell and climbed up to the
third floor of the building.  I found the room I was looking for and
knocked.  There was no answer so I grabbed the knob and checked to see if
it was unlocked and it was.  The room was dark when I entered but I
noticed right away that one bed was empty and one bed was occupied.  I
knew who owned the empty bed and also knew that he was gone for the
weekend.  My body started to shake as I closed the door behind me.  I
slowly made my way to the occupied bed making sure to hold back my
tears.  When I reached the side of the bed I saw his angelic face.  He
was so peaceful when he slept.  I started to choke back on my tears as I
lowered my self to my knees beside his bed.  I was about two-seconds away
from a total break down.

"Andy" I whispered.  No response. "Andy" I whispered again this time
leaning closer to his ear.  "Andy, please wake up ... " I started
sobbing, " I need you ..."  I lowered my head onto his bed and sobbed.  I
felt his hand on the back of my head and I looked up to see him looking
back at me through sleepy eyes.  "I don't want to be gay" was all I
managed to say before he pulled me into a hug.  That night I slept in the
safest arms.  My little brother's.

________________________________________________________________________

I was really excited to write this chapter after the enormous amount of
positive emails I received for the first chapter.  Unfortunately, I was
so worried about impressing my readers that I couldn't focus.  That's is
why I took so long to write this chapter.  The chapters after this should
come a lot sooner and I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter as much as
the first one.  I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to write
me.  I appreciate it.  I would love to hear feed back on this chapter as
well.  Please e-mail me comments at Srchadwick@aol.com.  Thanks Again!!