Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 11:21:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: You'll Never Know <sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com>
Subject: Ashes to Ashes Chapter 1 (highschool)

Disclaimer: These stories are works of fiction and contain
descriptions of homosexual sex between underage teenagers
with each other and with adult men. Any resemblance to real
people or events is coincidental. If this type of material
offends you, or if you are forbidden by law from reading this,
please exit the story now. Email comments and/or feedback may
be emailed to: Sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com, and are gratefully
welcomed. Flames will be deleted without comment. The usual
copyright laws apply.

Now that the usual bull is over I'd like to tell everyone that
this is my first story ever! So be nice. :)

I'd like to thank SuperNova for editing for me but I'd like to
point out that whatever errors that occur are my fault alone.
Mr. BrightStar you rock!

I'd also like to thank my friends este, hcblue, kano, afterglow,
jmh, winstonsmith, johnF and Jason Calme. Thanks for cheering me
up, teasing me, urging me on and generally just being there.

This story is dedicated to the Ryan's of the world.

And now on with the story.

___________________________________________________________________
Chapter 1: Ashes to Ashes

	"... Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..." the priest droned on.
Funny how some words seem to get through the daze that I'd been
living in for the past few weeks.  I swept my gaze through the
gathered crowd of friends and family and again felt the overwhelming
sadness and the bitter pain.  Mostly I felt the numbing emptiness
that never seemed to pass or waver.

	"He's really gone..." someone from the crowd whispered.
With those words I immediately screwed my eyes shut as if doing
so would somehow keep the finality of his burial separate from
my reality.

	Opening my eyes I watched with morbid fascination as they
lowered his casket into the ground.  Seeing the body of your best
friend and the man you love slowly given up to the cold embrace
of the earth can do strange things to you.  Feeling my blood slowly
freeze, I broke off my stare at his coffin and heard the keening
wail of a heartbroken mother.

	I sighed and strode forward to Momma Violet, Ryan's mom,
a dear sweet woman and a force of nature that needed comfort like
no one else did right now.

	There's something infinitely disturbing about a mother
crying for her lost son, something so primal and earth shattering,
that I forgot my own pain for a while and reached out and embraced her.
Momma V, her girth notwithstanding, seemed so small in my arms,
like a shadow of her usual vibrant self.

	She snaked her arms around me and held on for dear life.
Burying her face on my shoulder, me crying silently, her sobbing
furiously, I felt for this dear sweet woman.  As I felt her scorching
hot tears I thought what the two of us have lost.  Ryan was a son,
a true friend, a first love and a hope for the future but now he
was forfeit to us by the hand of fate.

 ***

As the service ended I stared up at the sky. It was a perfect day,
the sun out in full force with wayward clouds completing the
beautiful portrait. It's a kind of day for picnics and leisurely
walks; it's not supposed to be a day for saying goodbye to someone
you love.  `It's not fair' I thought to myself. As I reminisced
of the times that the two of us had shared, I begin to prepare
myself to leave the cemetery.

"It's not fair! You promised!" I shouted.  "You promised..."
I said softy one last time.  After staring at Ryan's resting
place for what seemed like hours, I finally turned and made my
way home.


 ***

Loosening my tie, I walked through the front door of my house.
My mom, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes motioned for me
to talk to her.  I just shook my head silently and trudged up
to my room.  Passing my father and siblings, I didn't acknowledge
them.  I knew that their eyes would contain pity and sadness; I
had enough of that from myself.

Opening the door to my room, I was assaulted by sweet memories of
days spent talking and being young.  Days spent without worries
and of horsing around, memories of Ryan alive and happy in my
room.  I closed my eyes for a moment willing the tears and sadness
at bay.  I entered while removing my black suit.  Tossing the
suit over the computer chair, I walked over to my bed.  My
eyes were transfixed on an article of clothing that filled me
with such grief that I was rooted on the spot.  After an ageless
moment, I finally moved once more and picked up the jersey.
It was Ryan's favorite basketball jersey, it was well worn and faded
from repeated washing but it still held his essence.  I buried my
nose in the jersey, inhaling deeply and let out a stifled sob.
Losing the battle with my tears I launched myself onto my bed and
tried to blot out the world with the jersey I held.  Fortunately,
sleep-induced exhaustion claimed me into its sweet nothingness.

 ***

I woke up feeling disoriented as I watched the sunlight stream
through my windows, but sure enough the events of weeks past
came to me and I felt paralyzed on my bed.  I stared intently at
the ceiling trying hard not to think, not to feel.  Of course I
failed miserably at both endeavors.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way," I muttered to myself.

`Things were supposed to be different; people I cared about
aren't supposed to die.' I thought to myself.

`Yeah, you're right! And I'm Jimmy Hoffa... Oh just grow up!'
I argued back.

`Great! On top of all the things I have to go through, I'm
also going nuts.  Of course I have a right to become crazy;
I just lost my best friend and the love of my life...'

With that my internal argument stopped.

"Ryan..." I sobbed.

Curling into a tight ball, I stroked Ryan's b-ball jersey and
tried to stem back the tide of overwhelming sadness that
threatened to pull me under.

Closing my eyes, his scent enveloping me in a melancholy embrace,
I pictured him standing here in my room smiling at me and
once again I felt whole.  For that infinite second with his
lingering scent, feeling his jersey in my hands and his smiling
face in my mind, I felt alive again.

 ***

The knocking on my door and the soft voice wafting through broke
me from that sweet dream.

"James... are you up?  Mom wants to know if you want some breakfast
brought up for you." It was my sister.  I could hear the
strain in her voice and the quiver in her usually sweet tone
indicative of tears spent the night before.

I sighed, feeling thankful for the concern of my family, but I
couldn't face them, not yet.

"Tell mom I'm not hungry, but thanks anyways."

"Okay... James?  Its gonna be okay, ya know.  I don't know how,
but it will... I miss him too." With that I could hear her walk
back down towards the dining room.

I'm grateful that she didn't say his name.  To hear his name
spoken out loud by voices other than my own would've been too hard.

 ***

Hours seemed to pass and I still didn't get up, still wearing my
dress shirt and pants. I stared at my bedside table.  The simple
frame that I turned down weeks ago when the pain was too raw
was still down.  I knew that seeing the picture inside the
frame would hurt like no one can imagine, but it wouldn't be
right leaving it turned down.

Minutes ticked by and still I hadn't moved.  Mustering my courage,
I moved, surprised at my sluggishness and grabbed at the frame
and brought it back to the bed.  My eyes, having a will of their own,
immediately locked onto his grinning face.  He stood with
such an easy grace in this picture; it doesn't show the
burdens of his life that lurked behind his smiling face.
I took in the entire picture once again seeing the person that
has been forever burned in my mind and soul.

I'm in the picture as well; Ryan arms around my shoulder in a
companionable gesture.  How I took for granted those little things,
little innocent touches and his sunburst smile.  `If only I
could feel them again, his arm thrown over my shoulder...' my
thoughts going their own way without my permission.  Looking at
the picture I recognize his shirt as the one he wore when we first met...

 ***

"James, could you please come out here for a moment?" called out
Mr. Nunez, the administrative assistant of the principal, an
effeminate man who was well liked by all.

"I'm coming sir," putting the file I had on my hand back on the
pile I was encoding on the pc, I got up and went out of the records
room.

I was greeted by the sight of a tall guy talking to Mr. Nunez,
the guy nodding occasionally at the things that Mr. Nunez was saying.

Turning to me Mr. Nunez said, "Ah James! There you are! I'd
like you to meet Ryan. Ryan, my boy, I'd like you to meet
James.  Ryan here is going to be your schoolmate this coming
school year."

Walking forward to shake Ryan's outstretched hand I noticed
that my head just reached up to his chest. `Oh my, they sure
grow `em big where he comes from... and extremely cute too' I thought.

Grasping his hand, my eyes widened unconsciously as I felt
the warmth of his hand seeping into mine.  `Damn! His hands
are enormous too!'

Pumping his hand and letting it go took an inordinate amount
of will on my part.  `Why grandma, what big paws you got' I
snickered at the thought.

He was smiling at me and asked what was funny.

Flash, bang, boom! That was the sound of my brain having a
meltdown when I saw him smile.  `Is heaven missing an angel
today? Cuz there's one smiling at me right now.' I giggled.

Looking at me quizzically for a moment, Ryan suddenly said,
"You don't get out much do you?"

`Huh?' I thought, `great! Show him that you're a total spaz.'

Suddenly he laughed out loud and stage whispered, "I'll tell
you later."

At this Mr. Nunez interrupted, "Now that I know that you two
are getting along, I want you to show Ryan around the school,
James.  Show him the facilities and things like that.  Take an
early lunch today too while you're at it."

"Don't worry Ryan, James there is the most dependable student we
have.  If anyone can orient you on what you need to know,
then he's the person to ask."

`Dependable!' I groaned inside.  `I should probably kiss
goodbye any chance of having Ryan as a friend.  No one wants
to have a friend endorsed by an adult.'

Having said that he turned around and walked towards his
office but before opening his door he gave as his final
salutations and wished us a good day.

"So..." he started.

"Uh yeah, I'm gonna show you around now," I said as I
started to walk out of the admin building.

He was silent as we went around showing him things of
interest and telling him a little bit about them.

"As you can see, it's a regular school with the boring
regular stuff."

"Why do you work at the school admin?"  The non sequitur
threw me off.

"... Uh, well I, it's just something I do," I evaded

"Sure, okay," he recognized the fact that I didn't want
to talk about myself.  "I uh, I'm sorry `bout what I said
earlier. I was joking or at least trying to."

With a confused look I asked what he was talking about.

"Ah, the comment about you not going out much."

"Oh! Yeah, what did you mean?" I looked down at my feet.

"Well, you laughed at something twice in the office and well,
I just wanted to be in on the joke."

I could see that he was shifting his feet.  `He's uncomfortable
about it,' I realized `He must be thinking that I was
laughing at him.'

"Oh yeah, sorry bout that.  It can get pretty boring at
the admin office that sometimes I make these little jokes
inside my head to make the time pass by.  I'm sorry if I
sounded like I was laughing at you. I didn't mean to be rude."

"Naw, you weren't rude, but I'd love to hear what you thought
was so funny." He said smiling.

I groaned internally, `I'd tell you the secret of life,
just don't stop smiling at me!'

Instead I said, "It's lame really but maybe someday."
I grinned at him.

"Okay," he grinned back.  "But you will tell me, I have my ways."

"Why my good sir! Is that a threat?" I giggled.

"Nope," throwing his arms around my shoulder he
whispered, "It's a promise."

I stood unable to move, the physical contact plus his throaty
whisper almost gave me a heart attack.

"Dude! You okay man?"

I started, apparently he was asking me something and it
didn't register.

Chuckling he said, "I asked you if you wanna eat lunch with
a loser like me, since that Nunez guy gave you an early break
and all.  Besides I think you need food. It's twice now that
you spaced out on me."

Blushing furiously I stammered a yes, and can we please go
to McDonalds.

"You a golden arches freak?"

"Oh yeah! Totally! I love their fries and sundae."

"Okay, Mickey D's it is.'

 ***

`God! What's happening to me?' I thought to myself as we
seated ourselves after we got our food.

`I'm more composed than this!  He must think I'm a total loser
or worse that I'm fagging over him.'  Which of course was true,
but I didn't want to contemplate it.

"You got enough fries?" he laughed.

Eyeing my 3 orders of large fries, I once again blushed.

"You ain't seen nothing yet, I'm still quite full from breakfast
so I only got 3, but on a good day I could down 7."

He was looking at me like I said that I came from mars and
I immediately regretted telling him about my addiction to fries.

"Dude," Ryan began, "that's cool and all... but really sick,
ya know that right?"

Laughing at his comment gave me time to get my emotions
into some semblance of control.

In all seriousness I said, "I know, I know.  I went to a lot
of doctors to get rid of this sickness, but they said its
terminal." Picking up a fry and popping it inside my mouth
I tried hard to suppress the laugh that I know would crash
over me.

Losing the battle we both laughed hard at the same time.
`Good' I thought, `now that the ice is broken I won't feel
so off-balance around him.'

"You know that's a weird combination, fries and sundae," he
wrinkled his nose at my tray.

"Well, I'm a weird guy, you have been warned."

"You're not weird, a space cadet maybe, but not weird," he teased.

"Hey!" I said in mock anger.  "I just spaced out twice, that
doesn't mean I do it all the time."

"Sure... the important thing is you believe that."

Laughing once again, he started on his quarter pounder and I
popped more fries in my mouth.  `I haven't laughed this much
since... wait! I haven't laughed this much before. Hmmm... the way
he eats is cute too.  How can someone so tall be so cute?' I thought.

"Whatcha thinking?" Ryan suddenly asked.

"I wasn't thinking anything." I immediately defended afraid
that he'd found out about my thoughts.

He snorted, "Yes you were, c'mon tell me."

Spying the huge burger in his hands I quickly thought of something.

"I was thinking that you're a big carnivore.  How can you
eat so much meat?"

Waving the burger around he said "What? This little thing?
It ain't that much, trust me.  Besides I'm a growing boy, I
need the fuel."

"Growing boy, Ha! If you grow anymore you'll probably hit the
roof.  I have half a mind to ask you how the air is up there."

"Ooooh, I have a comedian in my hands, don't quit your day
job at the school admin though.  By the way, what are you
second year or something?"

My mouth fell open in shock.  I knew that I was smaller than
he is but I don't think I'm THAT puny.

"Close your mouth dude, I'm seriously thinking of shooting
some fries in there if you don't."

My mouth stated working but no sound came out.  Finally, "I'm
a senior just like you!" I blurted out.

Laughing hard once again he said, "Sorry, I didn't mean
to make you mad.  I seriously thought you were a sophomore."

I calmly resumed eating my fries not saying anything.  `Geez,
he thinks I'm just some kid.  Maybe I am, compared to him...'
I thought furiously.

We stay like that for a couple of minutes not saying anything.
Then something happened that would forever make me his.

Laying his large warm hand on my own, stopping me from picking
up another piece of fried potato, he softly said to me,
"Don't be mad, I didn't mean it that way.  You're not tiny;
you just look young to be 15."  I looked up and saw
sincerity in his kind brown eyes.

`If someone shot me now, I'd die happy.' was the thought
that flashed through my head before I snapped my head down
so he couldn't see the furious blush I sported on my face.
Unfortunately my gaze fell on his hand covering mine and
my blush deepened.

Squeezing my hand before letting it go he said, "So we okay?"
I could only mumble a yes and nod my head.

Grabbing some fries of my tray he popped them in his mouth.
Mumbling through the fries in his mouth "Hey, this is
pretty good.  Maybe I should try eating more of this
stuff."

Finally looking up I asked, "You haven't tried fries before?"

Smiling widely he said "Course I've tried them before,
I just thought they were greasy little things.  They
taste different now though, go figure."

"As if the meat in your burger ain't greasy," I teased.

"That's different!" he cried in mock indignation.

 I grinned smugly at him, "Yeah, yeah save it for the judge."

"Don't be too cocky, space boy, I like them now, but who's to
say I won't hate them tomorrow?  Also I won't be downing 7
large servings of these things any time soon."

"That's okay, but for now I'll count you as another convert
to my cause."

Munching another couple of fries he asked me, "You gonna
eat that?" pointing at my sundae.

"Of course I will, I ordered it, didn't I?  If you
want one go and order at the counter," I teased.

"But look at the line!  We can share your sundae, please?"

"Eww! And share your saliva? That's gross."

He sighed "Okay, I should've ordered it before hand anyways...."

I was giggling now unable to stop from laughing at the
dejected look on his face.  Hearing this he looked intently
at my face and grinned.

"Why you little shit.  You were pulling my leg."

Pushing the sundae over to him I smiled "And you
fell for it hook, line and sinker."

Picking it up he started to mix the ice cream with
the hot fudge "You sure?"

"Yeah, as I told you I'm still a bit full from breakfast
so you can have it."

Grinning like small child with sundae on his lips he
mumbled his thanks.  `I'd like to lick that sundae off your
lips though...' I smiled inwardly at that.

 ***

Walking out of McDonald's he asked me if I was going to
return to school.

"Yeah, I still have a lot of files to encode."

"That sucks."

"Eh, its okay.  The pay is good so I can't complain."

"A senior who works at the school administration on a school
break no less.  What will they think of next!" he teased.
"You should be out partying ya know.  Hey! I have an idea."

"Uh, why do I feel like scary music should playing now?"
I answered.

"Don't worry, I got plans for ya, James.  Well I should
be going now and you should be going back to the office."

"You make me sound like an old guy doing a 9 to 5."

"I'll remedy you're old guy-ness soon enough," he teased.

When I stuck my tongue out at him, he chuckled and
said goodbye.

Watching him walk down the road I called out,
"See ya `round Ryan!"

Turning back and giving me a heart-stopping grin
he called back "Count on it!" and with a wave he resumed walking.

`DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! What's going on...' I thought.
Why am I wishing he didn't leave?

In my heart of hearts I knew the answer, but I
wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet.