Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2003 01:22:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: You'll Never Know <sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com>
Subject: Ashes to Ashes Chapter 2 (highschool)

Disclaimer: These stories are works of fiction and contain
descriptions of homosexual sex between underage teenagers
with each other and with adult men. Any resemblance to real
people or events is coincidental. If this type of material
offends you, or if you are forbidden by law from reading this,
please exit the story now. Email comments and/or feedback may
be emailed to: sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com, and are gratefully
welcomed. Flames will be deleted without comment. The usual
copyright laws apply.

Now that the usual bull is over I'd like to tell everyone that
this is my first story ever! So be nice. :)

I'd like to thank SuperNova for editing for me but I'd like to
point out that whatever errors that occur are my fault alone.
Mr. BrightStar you rock!

I'd also like to thank my friends este, hcblue, kano, afterglow,
jmh, winstonsmith, johnF and Jason Calme. Thanks for cheering me
up, teasing me, urging me on and generally just being there.

This story is dedicated to the Ryan's of the world.

And now on with the story.

___________________________________________________________________

Chapter 2: Ghosts, shadows, nightmares and dreams

My eyes hurt...

They burned and stung, why do they hurt?

I realized that I had been staring at Ryan's picture
for hours already, caught in the timeless void of
remembering.  In this state, my body seemed to have
forgotten to blink and my eyes paid the price.
Closing them to the light of the world that is my
room, I once again saw the darkness inside me that
only Ryan's presence could flood with brilliance.

Resting the picture frame on my chest, I asked the
question that has been echoing in my mind since that
fateful day so many weeks ago.  `Why?'  That one word
seemed to carry so many questions and the answers I
seek for them are no clearer to me now than when I
asked them for the first time.

Feeling my chest constrict, I tried to steer my mind
to better days because I knew that if I let myself
drown in despair, there would be no one to pull me
back.  Forcing my eyes to open, I struggled to sit
up.  Surveying the chaos that filled my usually
immaculate room, I remember Ryan's reaction when
he saw my room for the first time.

 ***

"Dude! You have a maid or something?" He asked.

"Do we look that well off?" I shrugged.  "We don't,
what makes you ask that?"

"Look at your room! I can see the damn floor.
Don't tell me you clean up after yourself."

"Yeah I clean up, not everyone in the world is pig
like you, Ry."

"Ugh.  Why do you keep calling me that, my name
is R-Y-A-N, not Ry."

I grinned at him, "I call you that `cuz I can, it
annoys you and you can't do anything about it."

With an evil twinkle in his eye he shrugged,
"Sure, fine, if ya wanna call me that be my
guest, JAMIE."

Letting loose a horrified gasp, I tackled him to
the floor, "What did you call me?!"

Looking at me with a big smile he said, "For a
quiet kid you sure are spunky... JAMIE."

I don't know what came over me, but one thing
was certain- `HE WILL PAY!'

With that thought in mind, I dug my fingers into
Ryan's side and tickled him mercilessly.  His rich
and deep laughter filled my senses and I tickled
him some more.  Like a drug that I can't get
enough of, his laughter brought my world to a
standstill.

"Okay! Okay! I give! I'll call you James! The
venerable James if you want!  James? James?
Yoo hoo, you there man?"

Scrambling off of him I realized with horror
that I'd been staring at him up close and I was
lost in a dream world.  Worse still, little James
seems very happy that I tackled Ryan.

Blushing furiously, I stammered an apology to Ryan.

Sitting up and cocking his head he said, "What for?"

"For tackling you and Oh my gosh! Are you hurt?"

Laughing once again he said, "Don't worry James,
I'm fine.  What you did didn't hurt a bit.  I'm
used to a little bit of rough housing."

With a dubious look on my face I said, "Okay... Uh,
so? What do you want to have?  I promised you I'd
cook for you and all."

"You'd really cook for me? Wow, I was kidding at
the time, but I've never refused food and I won't
start now.  I don't know what to ask..." he was
blushing at this.

"Okay, how bout this, there's still some fettuccine
left, I'll make some carbonara for our lunch today
and I'll bake some brownies that we can munch
on tonight. I'll even make extras so you can
take some when you go home.  Is that okay?"

He nodded slightly and I could see the blush all
the way down his neck.  Realizing that this was
embarrassing him, I stood up and pulled at his arm.

"C'mon, you're gonna help me cook."

"Me? I'll probably mess things up."

"No you won't, I won't let you, besides what will
you do while I'm cooking?"

Smiling at that, he stood up from the floor and
we went down towards the kitchen.

 ***

Getting up from my bed, I began to pick up
the mess that surrounded me. I imagined the
mess as the pieces of my life that I'm trying
to put back together, but as I start to create
a semblance of order in my room, I'm still eons
away from making any headway on the mess that
is my life.  It seems without Ryan I am lost,
like a floundering man in the open sea with
nothing to hold on to.  I wonder how I ever
managed before I met him; it seems the time
before Ryan never happened and everything I did
led up to the moment I met him.  The prospect of
living without him filled me with such dread
that I had to take a deep breath.

Pushing the dark thoughts from my head, I bundled
up the clothes that needed washing and brought
them down to the laundry room.  After putting the
laundry in the washer, I went back up to my room.
The only remaining wayward piece of clothing is his
jersey; I don't have the heart to wash it, I'll
probably never wash it again.

Removing my dress shirt and pants, I let the cool
air pass over my boxer clad body and stretched my
hands up to the sky.  Picking up his jersey I put
it on and climbed into my bed.  Thoughts of food
never occurred to me as I wrapped my arms around
myself and pretend that it's Ryan's instead of mine.

I came to the conclusion that emotional exhaustion
is a great sleeping aid as I closed my eyes and
let myself be carried of to slumber.

 ***

Ring... Ring...

I'm in a great mood today, Ryan has just gone
home a couple of hours ago after we had spent a
great day of talking and making plans for the future.

Ring... Ring...

I picked up the phone and answer with a jaunty hello.

"Is this the Newhouse residence?" A pleasant
woman's voice asked.

"Yes it is. How can I help you?"

"Is Mr. James Newhouse there."

"Speaking..."

"Mr. James Newhouse, we deeply regret that
we have to make this call.  Your name was written
as one of Mr. Ryan Salviejo's contact persons in
case of emergencies."

I clutched the phone tighter in my hand as I heard
the word `emergency' and thoughts of Ryan hurt
flashed like a bitter flood through my brain.

"We're sorry to inform you that Mr. Salviejo
had been in a serious incident, he's currently
in critical condition ..."

I didn't hear her finish her words as the phone
I held fell away from my grasp.  Feeling dizzy at
the images that my head conjured up, I ran towards
the bathroom to lose the dinner that Ryan and I shared.

 ***

With a shuddering breath I snapped awake with beads
of cold sweat covering my body as I struggled with
the dream memory of that day.  Wracking sobs filled
my body as I buried my face into my pillow.
Waves of pure anguish rolled into me stealing away
my breath and burning my chest with bands of steel
that constricted with each heartbeat.

"Why, God damn it? Fucking why????" I screamed into
the pillow.  Pounding my fists into the softness of
the bed, my sadness is replaced with burning rage.

"You promised!  You made me believe that you'd be
there forever!  How dare you leave me alone after you
promised me you wouldn't?  How do you expect me to
continue living without you?"

A suppressed sob came to my ears and I turned to see
my mom, tears streaming down her face, a hand pressed
over her mouth.

`She heard me' I thought. `Now she's gonna ask about
me and Ryan and she'll kick me out.'

Limping towards my bed, she sat down and opened her
arms.  Her face was so full of understanding and
love that I came undone.  Burying myself in her
soft embrace, I wailed out all the grief, sorrow,
bitterness and pain that I had been carrying.

"Mama, he promised me!  We made plans and he gave
me his word.  I feel so alone Mama!  I love him so much.
How do I go on?"

"Is this punishment from God?  Don't I have a right
to be happy?  Ryan's my world. Mama, he can't be gone!"

Rocking me gently and smoothing my hair she gently
said, "God doesn't hate you baby, we may not understand
His plans, but you got to believe that there is a plan."

Kissing my forehead she continued, "I'll help you,
right now you might feel like the world has stopped
turning, but it won't always be this way.  We'll get
through this together.  You'll see, one day you'll be
able to smile and laugh.  Ryan will always be with you,
as long as you stay true to his memory and never forget
him, he'll always be in your heart and mind."

"But it hurts Mama, it hurts so bad.  Make it stop Mama,
I can't take it," I cried.

With renewed tears she held me tighter, "I know baby,
shh... I know.  Cry it out baby.  That's it."

Wailing in her bosom, my soul found a measure of
peace in the arms of unconditional love that only
mothers know how to give and I slipped into dreamless
sleep.

 ***

"What's this?" Ryan, sitting on my bed, held up the
medallion that I gave him and looked at it intently.

"It's a medallion dum dum," I teased. "You wear it
around your neck for aesthetic purposes."

Sticking his tongue at me he said, "You know what I
mean.  What's the occasion?  And what does the symbol
mean?"

Taking the medallion from his hands, I went around to
his back and fastened it around his neck.  "Well, the
symbol is a Japanese character for the word, Tomoyo,
it means friend.  As for the occasion there isn't any.
I saw it at the mall and thought of you so I bought it.
It looks good on you by the way."

Looking down on the medallion and feeling the silver
disc in his fingers, he turned his head and smiled his
earth-shaking smile at me.  "Thanks..."

Then his face fell "I don't have anything to give to
you!" he cried.

"It's not a requirement ya know.  I just wanted to
give it to you.  Don't even think of buying something
to give to me," I warned.

Sighing, he completely turned around and looked me
straight in the eye.  "I don't have anything to give
you but maybe this would suffice.  I promise no matter
what happens I'll never leave your side, we'll be
friends till the end of time and even beyond that.
You'll never be alone cuz I plan to stay with you
for the rest of our lives.  Got it?"

My eyes watering at his words, I lowered my
head and mumbled a yes.

"I didn't hear that, c'mon say it.  Say you believe
my promise."

Looking up I cleared my throat and said,

"Yeah I believe you... I believe in you."

"Good now raise your pinky."

"Huh?"

"Just do it."

Raising my pinky, he wrapped his own around it
and said, "I pinky swear that we'll be the best
of friends till the stars die out."

With all seriousness I answered, "I pinky swear
that we'll be the best of friends till the sun
stops shining."

Grinning at me, he wrapped his arms around me
in a hug that completed my existence.  The hug was
all encompassing and my world fell away leaving me
content in the warmth of his arms.

"James..."

"Yeah?" I croaked.

"I'm hungry."

Laughing I said, "So what's new? You're always hungry."

"I gotta eat Jamie."

"I know Ry."

But it was a long time before we let go of each other.