Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:15:23 +0100 (BST)
From: "You'll Never Know" <sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com>
Subject: Ashes to Ashes Chapter 3

Disclaimer: These stories are works of fiction and contain
descriptions of homosexual sex between underage teenagers
with each other. Any resemblance to real people or events
is coincidental. If this type of material offends you, or
if you are forbidden by law from reading this,
please exit the story now. Email comments and/or feedback may
be emailed to: sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com, and are gratefully
welcomed. Flames will be deleted without comment. The usual
copyright laws apply.

Now that the usual bull is over I'd like to tell everyone that
this is my first story ever! So be nice. :)

I'd like to thank SuperNova for editing for me but I'd like to
point out that whatever errors that occur are my fault alone.
Mr. BrightStar you rock!

I'd also like to thank my friends este, hcblue, kano, afterglow,
jmh, winstonsmith, johnF, matt and Jason Calme. Thanks for cheering
me up, teasing me, urging me on and generally just being there.

This story is dedicated to the Ryan's of the world.

And now on with the story.

___________________________________________________________________

Chapter 3: Sparkles like a tear

Walking slowly up the paved driveway of Ryan's house, I wondered
why it felt so hard to go and visit here when it's practically
my second home.  The crunching of the dust under my shoes is
a painful reminder that the driveway hasn't been swept for weeks.
"I'll sweep it the moment I get free.' I thought.

I hadn't even come close to the front door when it opened
with a soft creak. Momma V was standing there looking haggard
and withdrawn, trying to give me a smile.

It was an obscene parody of the radiance that would've
shone from her face.

Walking steadily up to her, I hugged her fiercely, trying to
fill the gap of a son lost, if only for a moment.

"Momma V, how are you holding up?"  I know it's a stupid
question but it was one I was compelled to ask.

"As well as can be expected honey.  Come inside; I have fried
chicken, pork chops and a vegetable salad."  I winced at the
hoarseness of her voice, but a spark of hope flared inside me.
Momma V never ever asked anyone if they were hungry, she offered
food and expected you to eat it; if you know what's good for you
then never ever refuse.

"Thanks Momma," I tried to smile at her.

"Annie's been asking for you, honey.  I told her repeatedly
that she should just call you on the phone, but she said it
would've been rude.  But what do I know, I'm just her mother."

I smiled my first genuine smile at what Momma V said.  If she can
tease her children like this, then things are brighter than
it first seemed.

"I'll talk to her, Momma V."

Ushering me into a seat at her dining table, I remembered the
last time I ate with Ryan and his family.  It was a boisterous
dinner with lots of jokes and lewd comments, dedicated carnivores
all of them, I felt like a midget in the land of giants.  I
remember Ryan squeezing my elbow in silent support, knowing I was
drowning in their conversation.  Slowly he drew me into their
banter and everything was ok once again.

As I remembered this, tears unbidden rolled down my cheeks and
I angrily wiped them away with the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry, Momma V..."

"Hush child, I'll go call Annie and see if I can whip up
something extra for you."

She quickly walked away thinking that by doing so I wouldn't
see the tears that spilled down her face.

Walking to the other room where the base of the 2nd floor stairs
was located, she called up, "Annie! Dear! James is here."

Quickly trying to remove the tell tale signs of tears shed,
I heard her footsteps coming down the stairs and coming towards me.

Annie came bursting through the door, full of grace even in
the midst of her grief.

"How are you Annie-girl?"

"James..." she softly cried and then she ran to my arms.

Holding Ryan's sister as she let loose all her emotions was
heart breaking.  How fate could take away someone so important,
someone so loved was beyond me.  I took all her sobs and tears
and tried to give her comfort, something that has eluded me so far.

`How can I help these people if I don't know how to even help
myself?' I thought sadly.

Finally quieting down, Annie looked up at me.  I wondered once
again at how she closely resembled Ryan, right down to the freckles
that dusted her nose.  Seeing her tear-stricken gave my already heavy
heart another load to carry.

"Annie-girl, why didn't you call?  You know that I love you like
a sister, I would've dropped everything if you needed to talk."

"I... I didn't want to intrude; you're grieving too. You need time
for yourself and Ryan... Ryan would've been mad if he knew that
I was bugging you."

"Shh... Don't say that, I'd love to talk to you and give you time.
You don't bug me in the least bit."

Hugging her tightly to myself I whispered to her, "I know that
I will never ever be Ryan, but... if you want, I'll take his place
for you.  I'll be your brother for real, I promise to take care
of you like Ryan did."

"That's just exactly like you isn't it?  Ryan was always telling
us that you're the kindest guy he ever met and I often wonder
what he ever did to deserve a friend like you.  "Ryan said,"
She hiccupped, "Ryan said..."

"Its okay, Annie; you don't have to say anything.  Now let me
look at you." Pushing her away slightly to see her face I asked,
"Have you had something to eat yet?"

Pushing her hair back against her ears she nodded, "Momma
would've pitched a fit if I didn't eat." smiling a bit she began,
"Now you better start eating or you'll be sorry."

Smiling back I said, "I know, I know."

 ***

"Momma V, I wanna go inside Ryan's room."

The stunned silence that followed wasn't a good sign I thought.

Clearing her throat Momma V said uncertainly "Are you sure
about that honey?  I... Isn't it too soon?  I mean..."

"It's okay Momma V.  I think this is something I have to
do right now."

"Well, you don't need me to tell you where it is and you
certainly don't need my permission.  You're like a son to
me, James. God knows that you and Ryan were like twins, so
I'm sure he wouldn't mind you going inside his room," her
voice dropped to a whisper when she reached the last part.

"Oh Momma V," I said as I enveloped her into a tender hug.

 ***

Entering Ryan's room was a haunting experience; half expecting
him to walk in and give me his fantastic grin was throwing
my equilibrium off.  Seeing the things that he saw everyday,
touching the things he touched, I felt the tears welling
up from deep inside me.

Finally stopping in front of his bed I sank to my knees.
The tears finally spilt out and I lay my head on his bed.

"Ryan... Oh Ryan..." I sobbed.

 ***

"Hey kid! What are you doing?!" A rough looking man asked me.

Seeing the confused look on my face he came closer.

"I asked you a question!  What are you doing walking on this
bridge without paying?!" he snarled at me.

"The...there's a fee?" I stuttered.

"Yeah! Now pay up."

"I... I... How much?" I squeaked.

After the guy named an absurd amount I blanched,
"I don't have that much money."

Smiling cruelly he said, "Well, that means I just
havta beat it out of ya."

As the man raised his fist to strike me I closed my eyes
and prayed for the pain to be bearable.

Hearing a grunt of pain I almost fainted, and then
realizing the grunt didn't come from me, I slowly opened
my eyes.  Seeing the man doubled up in pain and Ryan towering
over him in rage almost made me cry in relief.

Turning around to me with anger-filled eyes, Ryan said,
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?  Why the hell
are you here?"

"You weren't at school and... and... I wanted to see if
you were okay."

"Oh for the love of God," he groaned out, then grabbing my
wrist firmly, he led me to his home.

When we reached his house he let go of my wrist and looked
directly at me.

"That was stupid and dangerous!" he began, "Haven't you
heard the stories about this neighborhood?"

"I have... I just wanted to see if you were okay."

Plowing on like he didn't hear me, "10 year old kids around
here eat people like you for breakfast!  Didn't you think
that you'd be in danger?"

`What the fuck? I was just concerned about him and he
tells me off?  Of all the ungrateful...' I was getting furious.

"If I wasn't walking down that bridge today you would've
been beaten to a pulp!"

His last sentence finally made me explode. "Okay! Jesus,
I know that I don't look tough or I seem like a frail
person but I'm not!  Yeah, the guy would've hurt me but
I would've fought back with everything that I had."
I took a deep breath.  "I'm not ungrateful that you saved
me but God! Don't start telling me off cuz I cared enough
to come over here and see what happened to you.  So, FINE!
I won't come over here again; you can rot in hell for
all I care!"

Breathing heavily I looked at his face and I saw
the huge grin that he was sporting.

"WHAT!" I said harshly.

His eyes widened for a moment then he broke down laughing.

"You should have... hahahaha," breathing in raggedly he began again.

"You should've seen your face! You were all furious
and if looks could kill I would be dead by now," laughing
once more, he braced himself against the wall.

Getting his laughter under control he said, "I was wondering
when that spunky side of you would come out."

Narrowing my eyes at him, I ground out, "You purposely
made me mad?"

Smiling smugly he drawled, "Yup."

With confusion clearly written on my face I asked why.

Grabbing my wrist gently he led me to the sofa and made
me sit down.  Sitting next to me he said,

"You haven't been in a fight before have you?"

After shaking my head in a silent no, he continued,

"You were shutting down.  From the moment I saw you on
the bridge, I knew that you haven't been faced with
someone who wants to hurt you."

Smiling faintly he said, "Your mom and dad did good, you
were raised in a way that violence didn't actually touch
your life."

Starting to protest he put his hand over my mouth.

"Let me finish, you know what violence is, in the abstract
point of view, but being faced with it directly is vastly
different.  At the bridge you looked... cowed..."

Noticing that I winced at his words, he wrapped his
arms around me.

"I'm sorry.  I don't mean that you're a coward.  I just
meant that your mind couldn't fully grasp the reality of
someone wanting to hurt you.  Therefore, your body reacted the
only way it knew how."

"But I... I..." I tried to choke out.

"Shh... I'm not 100% sure about this. Let's face it, I'm
not psychologist, but that's what I think.  I've been in
fistfights and brawls ever since I could fight back and
that's the theory I came up with.  Don't worry `bout it k?"

Letting out a soft sigh he said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you,
but I didn't have any other ideas to get you over the shock."

I buried my face against his neck and said, "It's okay."

After a while I looked up to him and added "But if you
do it again I'll havta hurt you."

Looking at me with an amused smile he answered, "Sure
champ, whatever you say."

 ***

Feeling my tears subside I stood up and looked around his
room.  `He is such a pig!  Looks like Momma V haven't
touched anything here since he...' I thought out.

I caught something sparkling in the dim light that
penetrated his room and I went over to his desk
to investigate.

Seeing a piece of quartz on his table made me smile,
`Oh my. He kept it."

 ***

"...It was an awesome shot, you should've have seen it.
Too bad I wasn't the one who did it..." Ryan was talking
about basketball again and being the athletic moron that
I am, I wasn't interested in the least.

The two of us were walking in the park towards the basketball
court and I stopped when something sparkling in the sun
caught my eye.  It was a piece of quartz lodged on the ground.
Squatting down I freed it and held it up so I could inspect it.
It was just a piece of regular old quartz but it looked
beautiful to me.

"Hey! Are you listening to me?" Looking at Ryan I noticed that
he was a couple of steps away.

Giggling at him I said, "You just noticed that I wasn't
listening to you?  Let me guess you haven't noticed I
wasn't beside you either right?"

"Jamie!" he whined.

"Sheesh! Okay, Okay." Walking up to him I noticed that
his attention wasn't on me anymore.

"What is that?" He asked and pointed to my hand.

"This? It's a piece of quartz that I saw on the ground."
Polishing it with the hem of my shirt I raised it up to him.

"It looks cool."

"You want it?"

Shrugging at me, he said, "maybe."

Grabbing his right hand I put the quartz on his palm
and closed his hand over it.

"It's yours!" I smiled brightly.

He looked at the quartz on his hand for a moment
then he slips it inside his pocket.

"Thanks," I heard him say, but I was a couple of
steps ahead of him now.

Motioning with my head I said, "C'mon! The basketball
court is waiting for us."

Smiling once again, he jogged up to me and together
once more we started to walk.

 ***

Picking the quartz on the table I polished it again
with the hem of my shirt, and then I whispered.

"We're separated again Ryan, but I don't know how to
go to you now."

 ***