Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:51:07 +0100 (BST)
From: "You'll Never Know" <sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com>
Subject: Ashes to Ashes Chapter 4

Disclaimer: These stories are works of fiction and contain
descriptions of homosexual sex between underage teenagers
with each other. Any resemblance to real people or events
is coincidental. If this type of material offends you, or
if you are forbidden by law from reading this,
please exit the story now. Email comments and/or feedback may
be emailed to: sicilian_tragedy@yahoo.com, and are gratefully
welcomed. Flames will be deleted without comment. The usual
copyright laws apply.

Now that the usual bull is over I'd like to tell everyone that
this is my first story ever! So be nice. :)

I'd like to thank SuperNova for editing for me but I'd like to
point out that whatever errors that occur are my fault alone.
Mr. BrightStar you rock!

I'd also like to thank my friends este, hcblue, kano, afterglow,
jmh, winstonsmith, johnF, matt and Jason Calme. Thanks for cheering
me up, teasing me, urging me on and generally just being there.

This story is dedicated to the Ryan's of the world.

And now on with the story.

___________________________________________________________________

Chapter 4: Different kinds of pain

"James! Hey James! Wait up."

It was Vinzon, a friend of mine from school; it felt weird
to see him here at the cemetery.  `I wonder what he's doing
here' I asked myself idly.

"Hey Vinzon, what's up?"

"Uh... Nothing's up these past few weeks."

Knowing that Ryan's death and burial were the reason,
I just nodded my head.

"You visiting R... his grave again?"

`Again?'  Warning signs flashed through my head but I
ignored them.

"What do you mean again?" I asked.

"Uh well... You see..." he looked uncomfortable.

"Whenever we call your place your mom always says you're
here or at his house," A female voice said.

"Aimee???"

`Oh no! Aimee's here.' Spit fire Aimee, with her sharp tongue
and even sharper wit.  A fierce enemy to have and an even
better friend, but her insightfulness was worrying me.

"We're just worried about you that's all.  You've been
acting strangely since Ryan died." The comment was trademark
Aimee, straight to the point and without apologies.

"Aimee!" Vinzon hissed. "Some tact please? James' best
friend just died."

"Its okay Vinzon," I interrupted before Aimee could
retort. "Don't worry bout me guys.  I just need time
to... to sort things out."

"James, you're our friend and we'd like to help," Aimee
said again. "Talk to us, heck talk to Vinzon too if you
want, not that it'll help or anything."

Laughing weakly I said, "Thanks Aimee, Vinzon, but I
just need time. Seriously guys, I'll be okay."

"Okay..." Aimee sounded dubious but Vinzon was looking
happier.  I knew that Vinzon would be easy to convince;
Aimee on the other hand...

"Look guys, if you don't mind, I havta go."

"Okay," Aimee said. "You'll enroll next semester,
right?" It sounded like an order not a question.

Forcing a smile on my face I answered, "Of course! I've
missed enough classes as it is.  I don't want to put
my studies on hold."

Putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing Vinzon
said, "That's good James.  You know where Aimee and
I are if you wanna talk."

"Yeah, sure. Bye guys," I said quickly before turning
around.  Vinzon's thoughtful gesture reminded me of
how Ryan used to do the same and it brought fresh
tears to my eyes.

 ***

"Hey Ry..." I said, greeting Ryan's grave as if he
was there himself.

"I saw Aimee and Vinzon on the way here.  They're
worried about me," I laughed bitterly.

Slowly going to my knees, unmindful of the grass
stains, I began to tell him about my day.

"I heard mom and dad talking; they want me to talk
to some shrink.  Like that's gonna help!  My brothers
are treating me like I'm some goddamned china plate.
They're afraid that I'll cry at the drop of the hat.
My sister's doing all the stuff I used to do.  Cooking,
cleaning... it's a good deal actually."

I sniffled and looked down to my hands.

"Actually it isn't.  I want you back Ry, I don't know
what to do anymore. Besides, you promised me, remember?"

Pressing my fist down onto the newly transplanted grass
I continued, "It isn't the same without you.  Who'd fight
for me now?  Who'd play basketball with me?  Who'd hug me
like the way you did?"

Breaking down in tears I cried, "Please God! I want him back,
I want him back!  I don't care what I have to do, just
bring him back to me.  God if you can hear me, please bring
him back to me!"

Quieting down to broken sobs I said, "Come back to me Ry...
... ... please?"

 ***

"Hey! I have bad news," Ryan said apologetically.
Ushering me in to his bedroom he sat on his bed and I sat
across from him.

"What is it?" I asked looking up to his face.

"My grandma died and I havta go with my family to the
province," he said while he fidgeted.

"Oh..."

"Yeah, I don't even know her since I grew up without
seeing her, but it's turning out that all of our family
is going so they want me to come too."

"Okay, it's family. That's important.  How long will
you be gone?" I tried to remove the sadness from my tone.

"A week max.  I just hope that being with mom's
brothers and sisters would grate on dad's nerves so
much that he'll want to bring us home early."

Fixing a fake smile on my face I said, "Okay, try
to enjoy the trip.  Maybe you can find some cousins
to play with.  Tell me everything when you come back k?"

Looking at me intently he suddenly said, "Don't be
like that... I'll come back, I promise, I'll even
pester dad so we'll come back earlier."

"I'm not being anything! I'll call you on your
cell and we can send text messages, right?  I mean
it's just a week, right?  I can still talk to you
while you're away so it won't be a problem." I don't
know whom I was trying to convince with my cheerful act.

Ryan was still looking at me intently and not saying
anything, finally I said softly, "I'm not being anything Ry."

Wrapping me in his arms he whispered, "Shut up Jamie,
just don't play ball with anyone else while I'm away."

"I won't... just promise me you'll come back."

"I will... I promise."

 ***

Blinking back the leftover tears in my eyes I started
to stand up.  "I'll be by tomorrow Ry.  I'm glad you
kept the quartz I gave you."

Caressing the tombstone, the coldness of the stone
a sharp contrast to Ryan's warmth, I said goodbye
once more and walked away.

 ***

Walking through the door of our house, I was planning
on lying down on the soft warmth of the bed when mom intercepted me.

"James, I'd like you to meet someone."

"Meet someone?" I said slowly.

Nodding slightly mom began to lead me towards the
living room.  "Yes, a good friend of mine, I know
the two of you would enjoy getting to know each other."

"Ooookay," I mumble.

`I'm gonna humor mom and her guest for a little
bit then I'd complain of a headache. Perfect!' I thought.

"James, I'd like you to meet Mr. Edgar DuMont.
Mr. DuMont this is my son James."

Looking at the 40-ish something man in front of me,
with his somber attire and kind smile, I can't shake
the feeling that I've seen him before.

"Nice to meet you sir," I said while shaking his hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too James," His
kind voice registered and then it clicked.

My face turned to stone as I looked at my mom.
"How much are you paying him mom?"

Mom's face whitened a bit at my words.
"Wha... what do you mean dear?"

"You know what I mean mom, how much are you
paying this psychiatrist?"  My voice was flat.
"I've seen him before.  When Ryan and I..." My voice
caught in my throat but I continued.  "When Ryan
and I went around town I saw him give one of his free
talks at the university mom."

"Okay..." mom began.

"No mom!  I don't need a shrink.  I just need time,
just let me be for a while."

"But, James, honey..."

"No mom," I said quietly "I'm sure you just want the
best for me but I don't need professional help."

Turning to Mr. DuMont I said, "Sir, you must be very
good at what you do, but I'm sorry, I don't need your
help.  I can get through this.  Excuse me."

Walking away I heard them talk but I didn't pay
any attention to their conversation.

Closing the door to my room I leaned my back
against it.  `A shrink!' I snorted at the thought.
`I don't need a shrink; he can't bring back Ryan.
What I need is a miracle.'

Removing my clothes and tossing them aside I
thought wryly `Ryan would've loved seeing me
toss my clothes about.'

Climbing into my bed I took a pillow and hugged
it closely to me and prayed that I would not dream tonight.

 ***

Waking up suddenly from deep sleep I sat up, my mind
a blank as I asked myself `What the fuck?'

Chucking to myself `How eloquent good sir!'

`Oh shut up! You try waking up suddenly at' looking
at my bedside clock `2 in the morning and still be
able to say poetry then I'll kiss your butt.'

Laughing to myself I said, "I'm you, how can
you kiss your own butt?"

`Oh my, did I just say that out loud?  Maybe I
do need a shrink.'

Suddenly realizing how silly I was being I
stopped myself and looked around for the reason
of my sudden wakefulness.

Nothing was amiss.  Everything was okay. Settling
back down I wonder once again then I remembered
one other occasion when I awoke at 2 in the morning.

 ***
Tap! Tap! Tap!

"HUH?" I groaned.  I was having a satisfying
dream about Justin Timberlake and someone or
something woke me up. I swore death to whoever
interrupted my dream.

TAP! TAP! TAP!

`There it is again' I thought.  Zeroing in on the
sound, I realized it came from my window.

Looking out from the window I saw Ryan, in the dim
light of the streetlamp, holding a handful of pebbles
on one hand and his other ready to throw another at my window.

Motioning for him to meet me at the front door I
put on an oversized shirt and went there myself.

Opening the door and seeing Ryan I let out a gasp.
He had bruises on his face and his clothes were torn
in a couple of places.  Putting a finger on my lips he
motioned me to be quiet and closed the door behind him.
Grabbing my wrist gently he led the way to my room.
Closing the door behind me I saw him sitting on my bed.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Trying to think of a way to lighten the situation
I said, "Seriously Ryan, throwing pebbles against my
window?  How `Hallmark movie of the month' of you."

Grinning at me he said, "I know, it's too cliché, but
I didn't know how to get you with out waking your family."

Looking at him for a moment then realizing he was
serious I said "Hello? We both have cellular phones Ry,
you could've called me up on that."

He mumbled an apology then I realized he was tearing up.
Still looking at his feet he said, "I'm sorry I didn't
think. I'm so stupid sometimes!"

Rushing to him and grabbing him in a hug I
whispered, "You're not stupid Ry."

Squeezing him I thought of only comforting him but
he let out a loud gasp.

"Oh Shit! Are you okay Ry?" Looking at his face
scrunched up in pain I thought `Stupid question!
Of course he's not okay!'

"Ry, I'm sorry... c'mon talk to me," I pleaded.

"Its okay.  You just squeezed me on the wrong
place. DANG! You're getting stronger champ."

Smiling lightly I stood up. "I'm getting some
supplies from the medicine cabinet and some munchies."

"Don't go anywhere," I joked.

Running towards the second floor bathroom I
rummaged for the first aid kit.  After getting the
green package I raced downstairs and got a bag chips
and 2 cans of Coke.

Juggling my load, I opened the door to my room to
be greeted by a sight that melted my heart.  Ryan had
lain down and seemed to be sleeping.  The soft rise and
fall of his chest and the utter beauty of his reclining
form held me in sway for a couple of minutes.  Looking
at him from head to toe I realized something.  He
belonged in my bed.

Snapping out of my daze I softly walked towards him,
depositing the food on the bedside table and putting
the first aid kit on the bed. I looked at him up close.

`Damn! Even wounded he still looks like an angel'
I smiled at that.

Gently brushing his hair away from his forehead I
softly call out.  "Ry, I'm back, c'mon wake up."

Opening one eye he smiled and said throatily, "Hey..."

That one word rocked my world and his smile devastated
my already slipping self-control.

Gently without my realizing it I raised my hand and
ran my hands through his hair, its soft thickness
entrancing me and giving me joy like no other.

Hearing him sigh, I realized what I was doing.
I carefully removed my hands so that it would seem
like it meant nothing but in truth my heart was pounding.

Clearing my throat I said, "Let's see to your cuts and
scrapes ok?  We don't want them to get infected."

Pushing himself to a sitting position and resting
his back on the headboard he said while grinning,
"You got it doc."

Giggling at what he said, I opened the kit I took
out some cotton balls and the hydrogen peroxide.
As I began to shake it I thought I heard him groan.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Nothing," he quickly answered.

Looking at him suddenly it dawned on me.  "Sorry,
we don't have betadine.  I know this will sting
but you just havta bear it."

Nodding his head in okay, I began to pour some hydrogen
peroxide on the cotton ball.

"Be still," I warned before I began to sweep the
cotton ball across his wounds.  He clenched his teeth
at my words and I began to clean his wound.

Amazingly enough he didn't make a sound as I clean
all the cuts and scrapes on his face.  Finishing my
ministrations on his face he let out the breath that
he'd been holding.

"You did great Ry." I praised him like a child.

Lifting his hand I could see that they had bigger
damage on them.  I looked up to him enquiringly.

"I hit one of the guys I was fighting with on the
teeth.  My knuckles must've caught on them," he
said his tone apologetic.

"Its okay," I assured him.

Using a new cotton ball I started to clean his
knuckles.  Coming across a large gash I hear him hiss.

Immediately raising his hand close to my lips
I blew across his knuckles to relieve the stinging.
"That okay?" I asked.

"Yeah..." he croaked out.

Resuming my efforts I could see the muscles across
his arm bunch up in silent protest.  Seeing this
I tried to clean his wounds quicker and blew
across the wounds repeatedly.

Finishing my task I looked up to him to find
his eyes closed and his breathing light.

"Ry?  You still with me?"

"Hmm?" He answered without opening his eyes.

Smiling at him I put the first aid kit away,
feeling that the food was a lost cause I put them
back too.  When I returned he had slouched further.
Feeling my heart skip a beat, I went to his side to
see if he was still conscious enough to get
himself ready for bed.

"Ry? Ry?"

Opening a bleary eye he asked me what I wanted.

`I want to kiss you till you forget your name,
but I don't think you'd appreciate that.' I
silently giggled to myself.

"You need to get ready for bed, you still
have you're shoes on..." I said.

"Oh... that, okay," he said sleepily.  Swinging
his feet to the side of the bed he tried to
reach down and take them off without success.

Looking at me like a lost child he said, "Help me Jamie."

Smiling lopsidedly to hide the intense feeling
I was experiencing as he looked at me with that
child like helplessness, I kneeled down and removed
his shoes and socks.  By the time I finished he had
already removed his shirt and had unbuttoned his jeans.

The sight of his body starting to show the bruises
that he was surely feeling right now quelled any desire
that I might've felt.  Telling him to lie down and raise
his hips I grab hold of the legs of his pants and pulled
them off.

The sight of him wearing only boxers made my blood boil.
`Bruises or no bruises this boy is damn fine' I thought.

Scanning my eyes over his body I committed every sinew,
every muscle to my mind.  The sight of his six-pack and
defined chest will definitely be the star of my fantasies
for a long time.

Tearing my eyes of his body I urged him off the bed and
had him under comforter in a couple of seconds.  Removing
my oversized shirt I climbed in after him.

He was lying on right side and his right hand was palm up.
I was lying on my left side, facing him.  As I watched him
I was filled with contentment I couldn't define.

`He really does belong here with me... in my bed.' I happily thought

His even breathing made me believe that he was already
asleep so I slowly placed my right hand in his.

"I'm glad you came here Ry." I said softy.

The feeling of his fingers intertwining with mine almost
made me jump of the bed but his words took away all my fears.

"I'm glad too, Jamie."

 ***

I'm going through some stuff so bear with me guys! thanks
to Mr. Nice Glasses for a LOT of things. You know who you
are! I love your lower lip, can i kiss you silly now? :p