Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000 00:39:31 -0700 From: Peter Roholt <pistonpolisher@grabmail.com> Subject: the ballad of JT Chapter 10, gay male, high school The Ballad of JT Chapter Ten Copyright Notice - This story is copyright by Pete Roholt and the author retains all rights. You may distribute, copy or print this story however you like, as long as this copyright notice remains intact and you do not change the story in any way. Also you may not charge any fee to anyone to distribute or access this story. Okay you all know the routine if you ain't supposed to read this don't. If you do don't get caught. If male to male affection and or sex bothers you get lost. This story is going to deal with being outed in high school, gay bashing, suicide and other intense themes (If my writing is up to it ) This is fiction it isn't true some scenes are based on my own experiences with names changed to protect the guilty. Special thanks to Don, luv you bro. Any comments will be welcome pistonpolisher@webtv.net The Ballad Of JT Chapter Ten By Pete Roholt "JT," Mom called. "There is a letter here from New York. I think it's from Jimmy." I grabbed the letter and tore it open. As I read it I could feel the blood drain from my body. "OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!" I screamed. Dear JT, I love you always remember that. I miss you so much. I know you are wondering what happened to me, but I don't have much time or paper. That day in school I heard something in phy ed I heard people saying things and I knew I should find you, but Mr. Grant wouldn't let me so I made myself throw up which got me out of class. The nurse made me lie down and called my mom to come get me. Later dad asked me if it were true was I a fucking fag. I tried to lie, but he wouldn't believe me then he told me that you had gotten what you deserved and that he was going to do the same to me. He pulled off his belt and was hitting me with it when mom came in and made him stop. After they talked for a while they decided to send me to this ex-gay place in New York. They told me that if I really believed God would change me. They kept me locked in my room until they were able to make arrangements to get me there. I tried to get away, but I couldn't and when dad caught me trying to escape he beat me again. I hate him so much. They took me to the airport in Bismarck and a guy that said he was a minister met us there. He had some papers for my parents to fill out giving him custody of me, then he put some plastic ties around my wrists so I couldn't use my arms and put me on a plane and flew me to New York. I always wanted to fly in a big airplane but now I hope I never see one again. I had to go to the toilet while we switched planes in Chicago and he even went into the stall with me. I tried to run from him, but he caught me and told me that God would punish me when we got to New York. He was so weird praying all the time. He said I needed to talk with the Lord and maybe then God would forgive me for being a faggot. When we finally arrive in New York he took me to a church outside of the city in the suburbs I think because I could hear birds and wind in trees, but was in the back of a van without any windows so I couldn't see where I was going. As if I could find my way around New York City anyway. I want to tell you what they did to me when I got here, but it hurts too much to think about... they beat me with a big leather belt, to teach me not to run away and respect my elders they said. I was so sore afterwards that I could barely move. They gave me a room that was more like a cell there were bars on the windows and no door. They said that way they could make sure I didn't touch myself in an impure way. I guess they meant I couldn't jack off. All that was in the room was a single bed with one pillow, a sheet and a blanket. A small desk with a chair and a reading lamp. The only thing to read was a Bible. On the wall were posters of quotes from the Bible; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1:26-27 The bathroom was terrible no privacy at all when I had to go there was a staff member with me at all times. The shower was open and the toilets didn't have any stalls around them. They make us wear jumpsuits and they give them to us each morning. We change in front of the staff when they let us change. That is all done individually so we aren't "exposed to the lusts of the flesh." After our showers in the morning we eat breakfast oatmeal usually I hate oatmeal after breakfast we have church then we have two hours of religious class then two hours of regular class, but the science is weird because they don't teach evolution they say we were created as a man. They are so stupid. then we have lunch then a mandatory sport usually basket ball or soccer then we have two more hours of school our free time is spent in groups talking about how bad being gay is and all the reason's we want to be str8. Then we have dinner then more religious study and one on one with the counselors.Then church again. Before we go to sleep we shower again and brush our teeth. We have almost no time to ourselves. They keep the anti gay stuff going all the time kind of like always being in PE. They keep at us constantly with lectures and Bible teaching. They even keep track of every sheet of paper we have I guess so that we can't write to anyone. I fooled the fuckers though I tore these out of the Bible. I used to think I was a christian. I believed in Jesus and the resurrection. I learned all of the bible stories and I thought Jesus taught us to love one another, but these people say that two boys loving each other is wrong. I know that they are telling me lies JT, but I don't know how much more I can take. They even tell us what we can write to our parents in our three times a week letters. I don't know anything any more. I do know that I love you. I will never forget that valentines dance. Brad and the other idiots were roughing me up, I knew I was gonna get beat up and out of no where you showed up and saved me. You were all dressed up in that sexy cowboy tux and black stetson. Just like the lone ranger galloping in on your trusty steed to save the day only you didn't save a damsel in distress you saved me. When I told you I was gay you didn't say anything for the longest time and I knew that I had lost a friend before I even made one, then you made me come back and I thought I was gonna get beat up again. I can't tell you how shocked I was when you told me you were gay too. You are so big and strong and self confident, all the things i am not. then we went to your house and you kissed me. I didn't know what to do I was shocked at first I couldn't believe the most handsome boy in the whole school was kissing me. Then we made love, you were so gentle and loving and I felt for the first time in my life that I really fit in. We were only together for seven months. Seven months that made the rest of my life mean something. Odd isn't it how the day we were outed was our seventh month anniversary. I sit in Bible class remembering those seven months so short a time, but the best seven months that I have ever lived. I can see you in my mind every kiss and every hug is etched into the very fibers of my being. If I could just kiss you once more and feel your loving arms around my back. Have you lift me and hug me. I only have one regret my love and that is that I never let you fuck me. I sit here now and wish that I had allowed you into my most private spot. If there were any way we could go back I would want you to make love to me. I have a friend here she is one of the cooks and she will mail this for me. JT no matter what happens please please remember that I do love you and I will always love you even from the grave I will love you. I can't take what they are doing to me any more by the time you read this I will be dead. I love you. I wish I could feel you one more time to kiss and snuggle. One last time... xoxoxoxo love always jimmy PS Just like in that song I will be with you in your dreams. "Mom you have to call Mrs. O'brien right away Jimmy says he is going to kill himself." I said as as soon as I finished his letter. I watched her as she picked up the phone and dialed their number. "Hello Janice, this is Sarah Clark..." Mom held the phone away from her ear and I heard Mrs. O'brien shouting. "Sorry Janice I do remember what you said to me, but this is important..." "Janice, JT got a letter from Jimmy today and in it Jimmy said he was going to commit suicide." I could see Mom's face fall and I knew something was wrong. "I am so sorry Janice, if there is anything we can do..." "She hung up." Mom said, "JT I'm afraid I have some terrible news... uh Jimmy killed himself three days ago." "NO!!!" I screamed "He can't have, I love him he couldn't have done that to me." Mom grabbed me and pulled me tightly into her arms, "JT, he's gone. Jimmy is gone you have to accept it." I fought my way out of her embrace and said, "No I can't accept it, I won't accept it. My Jimmy, my love." I left the room and stumbled down the stairs into the sanctuary of my room. --------------------------------- "Clark Implement, may I help you?" "Is John there?" Mom asked. "Oh hi Sarah, he's in a meeting right now can I take a message?" "Jack tell him I am calling and want to talk to him right now." "Sarah you know he doesn't..." "Damn it Jack either you get him on this phone or you won't be employed there on monday." "Yes Ma'am." "Hi Sarah," Dad said. "What did you say to Jack he sounded scared?" "John you better come home right away... I just talked to Janice O'brien, Jimmy committed suicide." Mom said. "Oh shit. Does JT know?" "Yes, he got a letter from Jimmy this morning and had me call Janice. I need you here John, JT needs you here too." "Okay Sarah, I'm on my way." ----------------------------------------- I sat in my room... on the bed... in the dark... a single candle burning... in silence. Jimmy's letter lay on the desk and I was staring at it. Pulling the silver hatband he had given me though my fingers. I was in shock I knew that, but I was also more mad than I had ever been in my entire life. I was mad Jimmy's folks. I was mad at myself and I was mad at Jimmy. How could he do this, how could our love for each other mean so little to him. I knew it would be easy to kill Kirk O'Brien, he was the one who forced Jimmy in to that awful place. But for all his faults I knew that Jimmy loved his dad and there is no way I could harm something that my boy loved. If only I could have been there for him, if I could have shared his pain maybe he would still be alive... ----------------- My dad came into the house, "Sarah how is JT?" "John I think you better go down and talk to him." Mom said. I could hear my father's footsteps as he came down the stairway. "JT, can I come in?" My dad asked. "I guess." I replied. "JT I am so sorry. I don't know what to say but we, your Mom and I are here for you." I tried to stop it from happening but from way down deep in my chest I could feel the tears start to rise. I started to sob quietly at first then louder. I felt my father sit next to me and pull me into his arms and I let my head fall onto his shoulder. "Let it out, son. Cry and don't be ashamed of the tears." He said as he slowly shifted position and nearly pulled me onto his lap. "Dad," I mumbled through my tears. "I know you both are here for me, but Jimmy was my life... he was my soul." "I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better JT, but there aren't any magic words. It may take a while but trust me son you will feel better." "How could his parents do that to him Dad? I know that Jimmy loved his parents, he loved them so much and hated to disappoint them. He knew that they would be disappointed when they found out he was gay, but he loved them. Are we so evil that we should be put through that? Did his parents hate him that bad?" I asked. "I don't know what to say about them." Dad said. "That fundamentalist Christian bullshit that Kirk believes in is so hate filled. It's like they forgot that the most important message that Christ taught was to love." Then Dad pushed my out to arms length away from him while still holding me tightly by the shoulders. "JT," he said looking me straight in the eyes, "Your Mom and I love you very much. Your grandparents and aunts and uncles love you very much. Each and everyone of us are here for you if you need to talk. If you start thinking about suicide I..." "Dad I would never..." I protested. "JT, I'm not saying you would, but if the thoughts ever come to you please talk to one of us, call me at work, get me out of a meeting. I don't give a damn about the business I care about you. You in all your years have never disappointed me, please don't disappoint me on this. Promise?" "I promise Dad, I promise." I said. "Good. Now I don't want you to be alone, who do you want to have come over?" "Dad I would rather be alone." 'Sorry JT that isn't an option." He replied. "You want Jason or the twins?" "It doesn't matter." "Okay then all three of them." He smiled. After he went upstairs I went to my stereo and put on "I Will Come To You" by Hanson it was our song. After it started playing I hit the repeat button and lay down on my bed. -------- "Huh? What? Jimmy?" "Hush JT you were having a nightmare." Dallas said. "Oh it's you Dallas. They told you about..." "Yeah JT, I know." He interrupted. "If there is anything I can do? JT you know I am here for you. So is Denver but he and Dad had already left when Uncle John called." "I really apreciate your coming over, but seriously I would like to be alone." "Uncle John said you would say that, he told me if I left you alone he would tan my ass so hard that I wouldn't be able to sit until Christmas." Dallas said with a small grin. "Now Dally, I can't remember the last time my father had given any of us a spanking, but if he said it today I think he meant it." "Well since you're stuck with me is there anything I can do?" "I don't know I just feel so fucking empty. I can't believe he did this... how could he... how could he do this to me." I said as the damned tears started to fall again. I felt the bed move as Dallas shifted so that his back was against the headboard. He pulled me so that I my head was lying his chest and his arms were wrapped around me. "It's okay JT I'm here just let it out." He said as he kissed the top of my head. I fell asleep portected by his strong arms. -------------------------------------------------------- Well that is all for this chapter. Any comment are really apreciated, if any of my chapters have ellicited email this one should :-)I try and answer all of the emails I do receive. My new email address is pistonpolisher@grabmail.com Until the next time Pete