Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 08:17:36 -0800 (PST)
From: Joseph Smith <gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com>
Subject: Behind The Silver Screen Chapter 7  high school

The next morning I felt like a huge Mack truck had run me over. Ben was
still with me in the morning. I was glad he was there. I'm sure I would
have been a complete disaster if he hadn't been, but I guess I was anyway.

I was pleased that no one in my family was been intrusive on my
privacy. Ben and Jay had slept over before so it was no big deal that he
was there. In the morning Ben was insistent on getting me up and out of the
house.

Neither of us had to work that day and Ben had plans for us. After Ben and
I got our showers and dressed, he took me to Miller's Grove, which had a
public swimming pool next to their drive-in theatre. Apparently Ben had
grabbed the swimming trunks out of my dresser while I was in the shower.  I
had always loved the slide. It had to be twenty feet tall.

I knew what Ben was doing. He was helping keep my mind off Mike. It didn't
entirely succeed, but it helped. While Ben and I were sitting on the edge
of the pool I bumped his foot with mine.

"What?" he said.

"Thank you for staying with me. I don't know how I would have coped if I
had to be alone."

"Mike, you're my best friend. I think if I were in the same situation, you
would have been there for me. Besides, Mike and I had a long talk before he
left."

"Really," I said. "When was this and what was it about?"

"About two weeks ago. Mike didn't want you to be alone. He was really glad
I found out about you two so you wouldn't be. He asked me to watch out for
you for him because he knew you were going to take it really hard. I told
him he didn't need to ask because I would have been there anyway. That I
would watch over you for both of us."

"Thanks. Ben."

"Look, I saw how it hurt you with Jay. This was different and I knew this
one would hurt."

"It does."

Ben said he was hungry and took me to Burger Chef for a really cheap
lunch. Then we headed to the Kon-Tiki Theater on Salem Avenue and saw
"Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" which had been playing there for
nearly a year. With its Polynesian decor the theater was actually
beautiful. The restrooms replicated a garden with faucets that looked like
shells. The theater walls and curtains were yellow, orange and brown
strips, reminiscent of a tiger's skin.

The movie was good and it did take my mind off Mike and his leaving earlier
today. Ben and I had dinner. He had been paying for everything today and I
quizzed him about it. He said that today was all Mike's idea and that he
had paid for everything. I felt Mike's love, even through Ben.

I went back to work downtown the next day. I felt lonely without him
there. It was strange that I could still feel him near me the whole time
that day. The locker room seemed oddly cold. I changed quietly with Danny,
a new usher who had replaced Mike. When he left, I found Mike's tux, which
was still hanging in the locker. I took it out and put it on. It wasn't the
same as if he was wearing it, but I could imagine him holding me. His smell
was in it.

Sex was the last thing on my mind as the weeks went on without him. I never
felt the need to masturbate. I worked at both theaters and hung out with
Ben.

I got my first letter from Mike. Boot camp was at Parris Island, South
Carolina, and said it was hard. We had worked out a code before he left and
in his letter he told me he loved me. I read and re-read it. I wrote him
back telling him that Ben was keeping his promise and that I appreciated
what he had done.

Sinclair Community College was put on hold since I told Mike I would wait
for him to come back. I worked as many hours as I could to put money away
for school.

I started to get used to Mike's being gone. It wasn't a feeling I liked,
but it was there. Ben never wavered in his responsibilities towards me.

Another letter came and Mike said he was finished with boot camp after
nearly twelve weeks and was being shipped out. He said he got my letter and
wanted more of them. I wrote back and promised I would write more often. In
the next three weeks I sent him about a dozen letters, even cards I found
that he might find amusing. I had showed Ben the cards and he agreed that
they were fun.

I wondered about Ben's not having a girlfriend. But I figured if he were
gay he would've told me before now. All he did was work and hang with me. I
felt guilty for the poor guy, but I was glad he was always there for me.

The months following Mike's departure I worked as many hours as I could get
at both theaters. I dreaded the idea that the months and the years would go
ever so slowly waiting on Mike. Ben and I even talked about getting an
apartment together. I wanted a car but I needed to have Ben help me with
that one.

As usual each letter from Mike cheered me up. He said he was finally there
heading into the jungles. Though his words never expressed his fear, I felt
it anyway. He complained about the food and not getting to take many
showers. He said that the smell there was nauseating. When he felt
overwhelmed with all the tensions and worry, he would think of me and calm
down. He wanted to study business when he got back he wrote and hoped that
I had figured out what I wanted to do.

I had had a life-long desire to teach American History at the high school
level. I wasn't all that sure anymore.

It was the tenth day of October, it was usually hot and I had to work
downtown. Ben came by and picked me up to take me to work. During the
summer, he had started taking hours there too, which I was happy about. On
the way, I mailed a letter to Mike since I had gotten one yesterday. I felt
good today. The heat of the sun went through me like a comforting blanket.

Ben dropped me off so he could park the car.  Something was odd, though as
everyone glanced at me and then looked away. I went on down to the locker
room and changed. Since I was to work box office, I knocked on the door to
the check out office and Eleanor let me in. On the desk was the metal
folder with the reports in it and the cash box. I picked them up. Eleanor
had sat down at the desk. Her mood seemed somber.

"Michael."

"Yes, mam?"

"I have something to tell you and it isn't going to be easy."

"What? Am I fired or something?"

"No, nothing like that."

"Okay."

Eleanor looked away from me, at the wall actually.

"Mike's mother called me this morning."

Hmm. That seemed odd.

"She called to tell me that Mike was killed in action last week."

I stood there letting her words enter my mind. I kept playing the words
over and over again. When they finally sank in and I realized what they
meant, I vaguely remember letting go of the cash box. It crashed against
the floor throwing quarters everywhere, but I was oblivious to that as I
ran frantically out the office, down the aisle nearly knocking Ben down in
the process.

In my mind, my surroundings had changed. As I ran I saw myself in a tunnel,
round cobblestone running its distance. I saw a white light at the end. I
ran for it. I could make out a figure, dark against the light.  He raised
his right arm in salute. The light suddenly consumed the image of the
figure. The end of the tunnel was getting closer, fearing something unknown
I reached out to stop myself, but my hands couldn't reach the sides of the
walls. I ran out of the tunnel into space, falling, screaming into a dark
abyss. When I opened my eyes, I was behind the screen, hanging on to a rope
pulley, near the same spot Mike and I liked to be.

The sound of explosions from the war movie surrounded me. I could hear
screams. I thought they were mine as I rejected the knowledge that Mike was
dead. Mike was dead. "No." I screamed over and over again. I suddenly felt
someone pass next to me and stand in front of me. I could see the
projection light shower the person with flickers of light and colors. I
thought it was Mike. I balled my fists and started pounding on his chest
and shoulders.

"You promised, damn it, you promised."

I kept hitting and screaming at him. I felt his arms trying to go encircle
me. I hit him and hit him. I felt my arms crushed against his chest. He was
holding me tight and I felt myself go limp against him. Lowering himself to
his knees, he let me slump against him.

"MIKE. MIKE. MIKE. MIKE." I wailed. It was all I could think about.

I heard a voice, a soft, familiar voice that kept repeating the same
thing. My name.

"Michael. Michael. It's Ben."

Ben was with me. As I loosened my fists he let me put my arms around him. I
cried, no actually bawled harder than at any time in my life.

"Ben, he's dead. Mike's dead," I said.

"I know, Michael. I know."

Ben held me for as long as it took I guess. I had no concept of time. I
felt hands on my shoulders. It was Eleanor.

"Take him home, Ben," she said.

"NO! I don't want to go home," I said.

"Okay," Ben said, "Let's go to the locker room."

I wasn't sure about that either as Ben lifted me up and moved me towards
the stairway.

"NO! I can't go down there." I said turning away.

Ben led me to the auditorium exit and out the exit door. In the alley I sat
down on the steps. Ben was right there with me. We sat for what seemed
forever. It had gotten dark and the streetlights had illuminated the
alley. I was deaf to the sounds of the traffic just a few feet away.

"Michael. Lets go buddy."

I let Ben lead me to his car and he put me in it. With me still in my tux,
it must have looked weird. I didn't care. Ben got in the car and just sat
behind the wheel. I heard him crying, I turned to him and took him in my
arms.

"I'm sorry, Michael. I wanted to be strong for you," he said. "It hurts me
too."

"Oh Ben. I knew it. I knew he wasn't coming back."

The gearshift was poking me in the belly, but I ignored it.

"I lost him. Oh God, I've lost him," I said.

Time was no importance as we sat there together, grieving for a lost friend
and lover.


                              ***********************************************************


Sitting here in the locker room nearly five years later, I tried to
reconcile myself to that day and the days that followed. This was the first
time I had entered the theater. I never returned to work at the Loew's
Downtown Theater since the day I learned he had died. I just couldn't bring
myself to be there. Looking around the room, a room that had not changed
since those days here with Mike, I finally felt strong. I had grieved for
Mike. I grieved for a long time. As I stood before the mirror, I truly
entertained thoughts of taking it with me. I looked around for the last
time and walked out.

I climbed the stairs and walked across the stage to the empty screen frame
and placed my hand on it. I stood where I had stood so many times with
Mike. It still amazes me to this day that it was this spot and not the
locker room that I went to when I was told about Mike. I moved away and
descended the steps in front of the stage. I turned and sat down in a front
row seat and gazed at the empty stage.

I heard her approach. Taking the seat next to mine, she took my hand in
hers and kissed my cheek.

                                                                                                                                           **********************************************************************


Ben again stayed with me, never leaving my side. The funeral would take
place as soon as the body returned home. I was a complete basket case the
whole time. I told my parents that Mike was my best friend and described
what had happened to him. They were gracious about it, or at least my
mother was. Ben told his parents that he would be staying with me awhile
and since he was eighteen too, it was no big deal.

I went back to work at the Northtown. Mr. Denton was nice about letting me
stay there.

The day of the viewing having arrived, Ben took me to the funeral home. It
was at 6:00, but we arrived around seven to avoid a crowd.

"You go on, Mike. I'll be in shortly," Ben said.

"Okay."

I walked through the door. There was a changeable letter sign that spelled
out Mike's name. I entered the room containing the coffin. It was flag
covered, but I wanted to see him. I needed to see him. I moved slowly
towards the coffin. I sat down in one of the chairs immediately in front of
it. From their quiet voices and soft whispers, I could hear that people
were still around.

I knew I was in the same room as Mike, but it felt so different. I knew
that inside that box was the guy I fell in love with, the guy I needed
right here with me now. Even though I had Ben with me, I was still facing
this alone in my own way.

I felt someone sit next to me. The voices had gone so I assumed it was
Ben. A hand touched my knee and I knew it wasn't Ben. I looked up to see a
very nice looking woman wearing a black dress.

"Hello," she said.

"Hello," I said.

"Did you know my Michael?" she asked.

It was Mike's mother I assumed.

"Yes. I did."

"My Michael didn't have very many friends. You're the only ones that showed
up tonight."

"I'm sorry. Our friend Ben is here too."

"I know. He's sitting in the back."

I turned around and saw Ben was there.

"It's okay. I understand. Were you and Michael close?" she asked.

"I think so," I said, trying not to reveal too much.

"I know, Mike."

With concern and caution I asked, "You do?"

"Yes, that last night Michael was home with me we had a long talk."

"Oh?"

"Relax. It's okay."

"It is?"

"Yes. He loved you so much. He told me. You gave him love. That's what's
important to me."

Mike's mother reached up and wiped the tears off my face with a hanky.

"Then you must know what he meant to me," I said.

"I know what you meant to him. I can appreciate what he meant to you."

I lowered my head. I just couldn't stop crying. It hurt so much. Her arm
went around me and I fell against her. She held me in my grief.

"Ben. That's his name, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"He seems like a nice boy. We talked for a little bit before I came to
you. He was Mike's friend too. He's worried about you."

"I know."

"Friends like that are hard to come by," she said.

"I know."

"We have a lot to talk about young man, it seems we have some notes to
compare about Mike."

"Yes," I said.

Sitting there quietly for a few moments with her, I realized that I didn't
hear voices any longer. I glanced up at the casket.

"I want to see him."

"I do too."

"Is he in such bad shape that it had to be a closed casket?" I asked.

"I don't know. His father arranged all of this. Like some medal of honor he
needed for himself. The trophy son who died for his country, that gave him
something more for his ego. He's gone celebrating with an old Marine
buddy." She said with disgust.

She took my hand and together we went over to the coffin. We looked
around. I waived Ben to come over to us. Together we rolled the flag back
and slowly raised the lid. There he was in his military uniform. There no
physical markings to suggest that he had been killed. He looked like he was
asleep. I reached out to his hands. They were cold and stiff. His mother
placed her hand over ours.

"Never forget his love for you, Michael," she said to me.

How could I ever forget his love for me, not now, not ever.

Before we closed the lid, I took a rose stem from a vase and placed it
inside his fingers. After I placed my class ring on his left ring finger,
we closed the lid and re-draped the flag. It seemed to be too much for me
as I started crying again. Ben put his arm around and we followed Mike's
mother out of the chapel.


The end of Chapter Seven.