Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 23:53:57 EDT
From: Rysh1422@aol.com
Subject: Bleeding Hearts - Chapter 3

Okay, the general warnings still apply. Don't read this if its illegal in
your state or if you do don't get caught and don't blame me if you
do. Don't read this if you don't like guys who love other guys. (If you
don't know all this by chapter 3, there's a problem somewhere.) Some people
thought my chapters were too short, so now they are longer. That just means
you have to wait longer for the next installment. :o) And i've also been
asked if this is true. Nope, it all came from my fertile imagination. Keep
writing and letting me know what you think. I appreciate it. :o*

Chapter 3

I drove home as quickly as I dared without risking a speeding ticket. That
was the last thing I needed at this point.

As soon as I walked through the door, Dad was waiting.

"Thanks for the call," he said tightly, "Always nice to know to where my
only son is."

"I'm sorry, Dad," I said quickly, "It was stupid of me. I had a fight with
Asher, Jesse and Zack and I needed some time by myself so I went to the
beach. I lost track of time."

"Your mother was worried," he said in that same carefully controlled
voice. My father almost never raised his voice.

I looked over at her; she didn't look all that worried. The only thing that
ever worries her is when Dad is late for dinner.

"Well, hurry up and wash up for dinner. It's going to get cold," he
snapped.

I rushed upstairs and threw my backpack on the bed then hurriedly washed my
hands before rushing back down. My parents were already at the
table. Dinner conversation was strained as it was more often than not. But
if I thought it was bad before, it was about to get worse.

"Buck Davis called me this afternoon," he started. Buck was Asher's
father. That caught my attention. I looked up from my spaghetti. "He said
there's a homosexual at your school now." He pronounced it Ho Mo Sex You
Al, over enunciating each syllable.

Mom's eyes flickered over to me for a second before fixing back on her
object of worship. I wondered what that meant.

"You know anything about it, Son?" he continued.

"I met him, if that's what you're asking," I said softly.

"You met it?" he seemed almost incredulous, as if I had said I ate lunch
with the Pope.

"No, I met him. He's a human being. His name is Seth," I said fighting hard
to maintain my temper. It wouldn't be good to lose my temper at the dinner
table. Then again, it's never good to lose your temper with my father.

"He's not a human being," he sneered, "It's unnatural. Don't you even tell
me you're a fairy lover, boy. You stay away from him."

I stared hard at my spaghetti, "Yes, sir."

I managed to gag down the rest of my dinner somehow, although it was almost
more than I could take to even sit at the same table with him I was so
angry. He continued to expand on his theory that gays and lesbians were the
downfall of modern society. As soon as I had eaten enough to politely be
excused I headed straight for my room. I had my own phone line and I
immediately called Asher. I hope they hadn't left yet. Even though I wasn't
real close to any of the guys, I was closest to Asher.

"Hello?" Asher answered on the third ring.

"Asher," I started, "I'm sorry about today in the parking lot."

"Man, what happened?" he said.

"I don't know. I just get so tired of hearing that kind of crap from my
dad...I just didn't want to hear it from you guys I guess."

"But dude, he's gay."

"So what? Why does that make him a lesser human being?" I was starting get
angry again.

"Whoa, man, calm down. I dunno. I'm not saying he's like a lesser human
being or anything. I just don't want him to make any moves on me, you
know?"

"I spent all afternoon with him and he didn't make any moves on me," I said
surprising myself. I hadn't planned to tell him.

"You what?" Asher yelled?

"Shhh," I hissed, "I said I spent all afternoon with him."

"Is that why you didn't want to go with the guys?"

"No, I didn't plan it. I was upset after the scene in the parking lot and I
just needed some time alone so I went to the beach. I ran into Seth
there. We started talking and we ended up getting some pizza."

"Whoa. You went a on date with a fag."

"I DID NOT GO ON A DATE WITH HIM," I screeched.

"Shhhh," it was his turn to warn me, "Sorry dude. I was kidding. So what's
he like? Is he like all feminine?"

"No, not at all. He's really nice. I actually had fun."

"Man, I wouldn't talk about this in front of Zack or Jesse. You know how
they are."

"Yeah," I mumbled, "I wasn't even gonna tell you. It just kinda slipped
out."

"Well make sure it don't slip out in front of the wrong people," he warned
me.

"Yeah, I know."

"So did he say why he decided to be gay?" he asked.

"It's not like that, Ash. You don't decide to be gay, either you are or you
aren't. Trust me, after hearing what all he's been through I definitely
don't think he chose it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't want to talk about stuff he told me, you know?"

"Oh yeah, that's cool."

"It was just some really bad stuff that happened to him because he came
out."

"Came out? Now you're starting to sound like 'em" he chuckled. I laughed
too. "Look man, I'm still not comfortable with this by a long shot, but
whatever you do, don't hang out with him at school too much. I know you
like to be different and challenge the status quo, but this could get you
hurt."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, Zack just pulled up so I gotta go. We'll talk about this later,
okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Great, see ya later," and he was gone.

I laid back on the bed, more confused than ever. Everybody seemed to think
that I should avoid Seth. I thought about how I felt, always getting left
out, always being ignored. That was bad enough. How would it feel to
actively discriminated against? I didn't even want to think about it. I
made up my mind to be friendly towards Seth, but not too friendly.

* * *

The rest of the week was pretty much an average first week back to
school. Assessing your new teachers to see how much you can get away with,
figuring out homework loads, etc. I talked to Seth in class even though
almost no one else did. By now, the word was all over the school that Seth
was gay. People gave me funny looks, but for the most part no one said
anything. I didn't go out of my way to talk to him outside of class, but I
didn't avoid him either. It seemed like with each day that went by, Seth
got a little lower, a little less animated.

The weekend passed, or maybe I should say it passed away. It was a slow,
boring death and I was actually glad to see Monday roll around. I wondered
if Zack, Jesse and Asher were avoiding me. They didn't call me the whole
weekend.

It was raining hard when school let out on Tuesday. I waited for a while by
the door until it became obvious that it wasn't going to let up, then I
made a dash for my car. I jumped in, turned up the defrost and put the
windshield wipers on high. I had had to stay after to talk to one of my
teachers about a project that was due Friday (geez, the second week of
school and I had projects due already), so I was one of the last people to
leave.

As I was leaving there was one car pulling out ahead of me. While I was
pulling out I noticed someone walking on the side of the road. The car
ahead of me swerved suddenly towards the person. I yelled but they swerved
back away, splashing the person in the process, which was probably their
goal all along I realized belatedly. I stopped next to the now thoroughly
soaked person. I realized it was Seth.

"Seth," I yelled, "Are you ok?"

He turned towards my car and nodded, "Hey Killian. Yeah I think so. A
little wet, but I'm ok"

"A little wet?" I laughed, "Why are you walking?"

"My Dad forgot to pick me up," he said in a matter of fact voice.

"Well hop in, I'll drive you home."

He grinned at me then ran around to the other door and jumped in.

"You'll have to give me directions, dude," I said once he was settled and
we'd started up again. "All I know is that u live by the beach."

He gave me directions and then we talked while I drove. When I pulled up to
his apartment building he said, "My dad isn't home. His car's gone. You
wanna come up for a few minutes?"

I thought for a minute then turned the car off. I looked over at him and
smiled.

"Sure!"

We ran into the house and Seth slammed the door then slumped against it. I
looked over at him and couldn't help but start to laugh. He was completely
soaked from head to toe. Water dripped off of him, forming a puddle around
his feet. His hair was slicked down and his clothes drooped soggy with the
rain.

	"What's so funny?" he asked me.

	"You look like a drowned rat," I said in between laughing.

	"What exactly does a drowned rat look like anyway?"

	"I dunno," I gasped, "But you sure look like one."

	"Funny," he said even though he was smiling too, "I wonder where my
dad is?"

	He went off down the hall, leaving a trail of water on the hardwood
floor for me to follow. I followed it feeling a bit like Hansel and Gretel
and found myself in the kitchen. Seth was reading a note and dripping all
over the table and floor.

	"He got an emergency call from an old friend. He said he'll call
later tonight, but he probably won't get home till tomorrow."

	He opened the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of root beer,
the kind that comes in the brown glass bottles. "You like root beer?" he
asked me.

	"I love it," I said.

	"Well here ya go," he handed me the bottle and started for the
door. He called over his shoulder, "The living room is across the hall,
dude, make yourself at home. I'm gonna go change and be right back down."

	I went into the living room. It was furnished with worn, but
comfortable looking furniture, a nice entertainment system and pictures of
Seth everywhere. Books were strewn about liberally. It was a very
comfortable room.

	I walked around the room looking at the pictures and Seth seemed to
grow up before my eyes. There was a woman in some of them; I assumed his
mother, and a man in other, his father. I went over to the entertainment
center and looked over their video selection - Sleepless in Seattle,
Armageddon, Ghost, Air Force One, The Object of My Affection, Beaches,
You've Got Mail, all the Naked Gun movies - I liked their taste.

	"See anything you wanna watch?" Seth said suddenly making me
jump. He started laughing.

	"Geez, sneak up on me why don't you?" I laughed too. He had changed
into black running shorts and a plain white t-shirt. He'd dried his hair
but he apparently hadn't brushed it. It was standing up in every direction
as it usually did.

	"Sorry, I didn't put my wet shoes back on so I guess you didn't
hear me coming in just my socks."

	"Obviously, I don't usually jump and breathe heavy just because you
enter the room," I joked.

	"My loss," he said with a shy grin.

	I blinked in surprise for a minute, not sure what to say. Was he
hitting on me?

	"Killian, I was kidding," he said after an awkward pause.

	"Oh, sorry," I mumbled, "Maybe I better go."

	"No, please stay for awhile. We can play a game or something. I
have N64. Do you like Zelda?"

	"Yeah," I said slowly. I thought for a few seconds while Seth stood
there looking miserable.

	"Ok," I said finally, "But let me call my parents so they won't
freak out."

	I crossed my fingers and dialed, then waited while holding my
breath. Thankfully mom answered. She accepted the fact that I wouldn't be
home till later without any questions. They would come later from dad, but
I would think of something before then.

	"Its cool," I told him.

	"YES!" he shouted, "Killer's the man!"

We played Zelda and talked about nothing for a few hours. Then suddenly
Seth announced that he was hungry so we ended up back in the kitchen. He
made us both lunchmeat sandwiches and we sat at the table while we ate.

	"Well I don't seem to have made many friends in my first week of
school," he said as I took a huge bite.

	We sat in silence while I chewed, which gave me a chance to think
of what to say.

	"No, not many," I said, "but you made one at least - me."

	He smiled and almost looked like he was going to cry for a few
seconds. I hoped like crazy he wouldn't. I hate it when people cry. It
always makes me want to cry too. My dad always yells at me for being a
sissy and crying too much.

	"Thanks, Killian," he said with a slightly husky voice, "That means
a lot. Probably more than you know."

	"I think I have an idea."

	We ate the rest of our sandwiches in silence.

	"I don't get it," he said suddenly.

	"Get what?"

	"I don't get why you grew up in the same town as all these other
kids but you're the only one who doesn't treat me like some kind of
pariah."

	I shrugged. I didn't understand it myself. I was risking a lot just
by being Seth's friend. But for some reason, the risk seemed worth it to
me.

	"Do you know what your name means?" he asked me out of nowhere.

	"No, I think it's the name of a beer, but I don't what it
means. Why?"

	"Cuz I do," he said.

	"What? What does it mean? And how do you know?" I asked. This was
taking a very weird turn.

	"I looked it up, there a site on the internet where you can look up
names and find out what they mean. Killian means 'blind'."

	"Blind? What kind of a name is that?"

	"What's your middle name?"

	"Travers, but I still don't get blind." I was struck by the utter
weirdness of having a name that means blind.

	"Maybe it's symbolic," he said softly.

	"Symbolic? Symbolic of what? My glasses?" I scoffed.

	"No, of your inability to see yourself."

	Whoa, now we had gone from weird to bizarre. Next thing you know,
he'll be calling me grasshopper and telling me I need to have patience.

	"You're weirding me out, dude," I said, "I can see myself just
fine, thank you."

	"Not really," he said, "Not the way I see you."

	"What do you mean?"

	"I see you differently than I think you see yourself. Look, I
haven't known you for that long, but I can tell that you don't think very
much of yourself; and yet you're smart, funny, kind and not to mention drop
dead gorgeous. But you hide behind those glasses and your friends and no
one ever gets to know you. And besides all that, you don't even let
yourself see the real you. You've buried it beneath so many layers you've
forgotten its there."

	My head was reeling. I think I was on overload. My mind had heard
everything but certain phrases kept echoing through my brain. Drop dead
gorgeous. Me? Hide behind your friends. How do I hide? You don't even let
yourself see the real you. What the hell was that supposed to mean? I
latched onto the last one.

	"What the hell do you mean by I don't let myself see the real me?"
I demanded, "If I don't see the real me, then who does? You?"

	"Maybe."

	"Then why don't you introduce me? I'd like to meet myself."

	"Ok I will," he said in a strange voice. It was kind of sad, but
almost like he had known what would happen. "Killian Travers Kendall," he
started, "I'd like you to meet yourself."

	Then he stood up, came around the table, leaned over me, and
quickly pressed his lips against mine. For a second I was so shocked I
didn't move, then suddenly my reflexes kicked in and I shoved back so
violently that my chair flipped over backwards and I sprawled across the
floor.

	"What the hell was that?" I yelled.

	Seth looked like he was about to cry again but I didn't care
anymore.

	"I thought you were gay, Killian," he said so quietly that I barely
heard him. In fact, maybe I didn't hear him right.

	"What did you say?" I asked him in a deadly calm voice. I had
learned that from my father.

	"I said, I thought maybe you were gay," tears started rolling down
his cheeks, "I'm sorry, Killian, I was wrong. I'm so sorry. Please don't
hate me. You're my only friend." With that he sank down to the floor and
began to sob.

	I sat across the kitchen from him and just watched him cry. I felt
like I should do something but I had no clue as to what. It felt like my
mind had shut down. Everything just went blank. I couldn't even think
clearly enough to leave, so I just sat there. Occasionally, Seth would
choke out another "I'm sorry," in between sobs. After a few minutes I
reached up to wipe my face and I was surprised to find it was wet. I was
crying too.

	Slowly my mind began to wake up. The first question that went
through my mind was, 'Am I gay?' I wasn't so sure anymore. I really hadn't
minded the kiss so much; it was just the shock of it that I reacted
to. Even in my addled state I knew that much. I thought about the way I had
been almost obsessed with Seth from day one. Asher suddenly popped into my
mind and that really shook me up. I needed to get out of here. I needed to
think.

	I struggled to my feet and started out of the kitchen. I paused at
the door long enough to mumble, "I don't hate you. I need to think," and
then I was gone, leaving him crumpled in a heap on the kitchen floor.

	Luckily, Dad was at a meeting when I got home and I was able to go
right to my room, calling out to Mom that I was going to do my homework and
I'd already eaten.

I fell backwards onto my bed and began to cry all over again. I was so
confused. Had I been blind to the real me all this time? Was that why I
always felt so empty, so incomplete? I sat up and looked in the mirror. My
face was a little blotchy from all the crying and my eyes were red, but
other than that, I knew I wasn't bad looking. There had been lots of girls
who had asked me out persistently over the years, but I'd never been
interested. Why? Every time I wrestled with Asher I got aroused. Why? The
one and only erotic dream I'd ever had had featured none other than
Asher. The clues were pretty obvious all of a sudden. I had been blind.