Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 15:18:02 -0800
From: Ryan Miller <bluedragon314@gmail.com>
Subject: Bonding Energy Ch. 6

Consider this the second edition of my story. I looked back at my early
works and saw how much I have improved as a writer and thought it only
behooved me to polish up what I had written. So, I went through and edited
the story stylistically and structurally. The story is still the same, just
shinier.

Disclaimer:
This is a homoerotic story I have written, so if you aren't
allowed legally, morally or ethically to read it, then don't. And don't
post this anywhere else without my expressed permission. Feedback is very
much encouraged, so hit me up at bluedragon314@gmail.com.

Ch. 6


I went inside and into the living room, plopped down in my recliner and
turned on the TV. We had gotten back home in time for me to catch the
last half of "Rick Steves' Europe," so I watched him tour Portugal. I
would have gone upstairs to help Brian unpack with the others, but I was
so worried about telling about my crush I couldn't look at him without
getting nervous. I kept asking myself if he would like me back, then
saying things to convince myself it wasn't worth it. But I was tired of
the internal debate. I figured it was better to know for sure if he liked
me or not than to stay up at night wondering.

I heard a loud thud upstairs followed by laughter. It was probably
another gratuitous display of martial arts from my brother and Aaron.
They were always trying to get other people into tae kwan do and were
probably giving Brian "examples" of what you could do. If it was like the
other displays, Brian probably had just been thrown on the floor.

I just kicked back and watched TV.

'You know he's going to hate you,' I said to myself.

'Shut-up! You don't know that.'

'All I know is that he is really hot and could have any guy he wanted.
Why would he want you?'

'Because I'm smart and funny and^Åkind of good-looking.'

'"Kind of?" You have the sex-appeal of Liza Minnelli.'

'Bite me! I work out. I might not look like Brian, or even James, but I'm
not scrawny. Hell, at least I'm not fat.'

'You may as well be.'

"Look, I've had about enough of you!" I shouted.

"Are^Åyou ok, Kyle?" asked James. He had just come downstairs and was
standing in the hall, looking at me weird.

"Oh, I'm fine, I guess," I lied.

"Ok then," he said and walked down the hall towards the kitchen. I got up
and went after him, looking for something to do that would get my mind
off of Brian or me telling him about my crush. I walked into the kitchen
and James was checking out the fridge.

"So, do you think Brian's dad will get out of jail?" I asked.

"Not for a while," he said. "He had several witnesses see him throw a
brick at his son's head. And Brian has the cut from the night of the
party, so there is enough evidence for two counts of domestic assault."

I heard Brian and Aaron laugh upstairs. "What are they doing up there?" I
asked.

"Just talking," said James as he pulled the milk out. "It turns out that
Brian wants to go to the same college Aaron is applying for."

"Aaron wants to go to college?" I asked in disbelief. For the longest
time I had only heard him speak ill of higher education.

"Yeah," said James while he poured a bowl of cereal. "He decided he wants
to have a cool office job like me where he can make lots of money and not
have to deal with incompetent employees all the time. I told him he could
never avoid incompetent employees , but he still wants to get out of the
bowling business."

"But I thought he loved bowling," I said.

"He does, but it's lost its appeal since he started breaking 280 on a
regular basis. A hobby just isn't fun without a hard goal to work
towards." He took his bowl of cereal and went into the living room and
sat on the couch.

I walked into the doorway and asked, "Umm^Ådoes he^Ådoes Aaron know I'm
gay?"

James looked at me and smiled. "Why? Do you want to know if he'll let you
grab his ass?"

"Knock it off. I'm serious."

"Well, if he does know, I haven't told him."

"But he knows about Brian."

"That's because Brian told him. The same rule I gave you applies to
everyone: telling people is up to you and only tell those you trust. And
I doubt Brian would say anything. He understands how it embarrasses you
and would never tell someone like Aaron, though it would be really funny
to watch you freak out!"

He laughed as I walked away. I went up the stairs and heard Brian and
Aaron talking in the room down the hall from mine. 'Cool,' I thought.
'Brian gets his own room. But wait! Does that mean I can no longer be his
teddy bear?'

I walked down the hall and listened to the conversation they were having.
It was something mundane about what majors they chose and the lame
questions on the application. I started to feel a cold, sinking feeling
in my stomach as I got closer. It was the same feeling I had after the
dream I woke up to that morning. I felt so alone, so left out even though
the one I cared about most was just in the next room. I felt a tear fall
down my cheek.

'I can't let anyone see me like this!' I thought.

I fled into my bedroom, got in bed and pulled the covers over myself. I
just layed there and silently cried, remembering the pain of being alone
and excluded.

'But that can all change,' I told myself. 'If you tell Brian you like him
and he likes you back, you'll never have to feel this bad again.'

That was the clincher. All the risk of being let down and rejected was
outweighed by the chance to never feel that way again.

But I was still feeling bad. I needed a distraction. I got my Gameboy and
went to work at defeating the Dark Druid, Nergal. I was trying to beat it
on hard mode and had my work cut out for me. It must have taken a while
because I had completed 11 chapters when all of a sudden I heard riotous
laughter coming from downstairs. I walked down the stairs to see James,
Aaron and Brian on the couch watching "Malcolm in the Middle."

"I have the keys, Dad," said Reese, who was locked in the trunk. "Now
lets go!"

All three of them busted up laughing.

"Oh man," said Brian. "I love Reese."

'Uh, oh,' I though. 'Bad idea.'

"Oooh, Brian has a crush on Reese," said James.

"And he's, like, 5 years younger than you," said Aaron.

"Shut up you guys," said Brian. This sort of treatment was something I
was more than familiar with. Only I was usually given crap about liking
Anakin Skywalker. (Hayden Christensen, not Jake Lloyd. I hate Jake
Lloyd.)

"And what if I do like him?" said Brian. "He would make a great
boyfriend."

My ears perked up. Brian was about to describe what he liked in a
boyfriend, though I was discouraged that he liked a dumb-ass.

"Why would you date Reese?" asked Aaron. "He's a dumb-ass."

'My thoughts exactly.'

"Well, sure he's not the brightest guy," said Brian, "but he's simple to
understand and honest. His motives are always plain and, when faced with
the choice, he does what is best for the ones he cares about."

'Aww, how sweet,' I thought. 'If those are the requirements to make it to
Brian's heart, I've got 'em nailed.'

"That, and he's hot!" Brian said.

'Well, I didn't quite have that one,' I conceded. 'But that can all
change. What matters is that I have the inside all worked out.'

The show got over and they started to stand up. I realized I had been
standing in the doorway and ran back upstairs. I still didn't have the
courage to look at Brian until the moment of judgment. I heard Aaron say
his goodbyes and leave. I panicked. I didn't know if I should wait in
Brian's new room or my own. I decided to wait in his and ran into it. It
looked simple: the guest bed with his suitcase on it. Some stuff on the
desk and a poster on the wall I recognized from Aaron's house . It was of
"The Two Towers" and helped the room look more lived-in than before.

I took his suitcase off the bed and put it on the floor. I sat on the bed
and waited for him to come up, going over what to say in my head. I
hadn't gotten very far in my monolog when I saw Brian's diary^×I mean,
journal^×on the desk. I was tempted to go over and flip through it when
Brian walked into the room.

"Oh, hey, Kyle" he said. "Do you like my new room?"

"I, uh, yeah. It's fine," I said. "Brian, can we talk?"

"We're talking right now," he said and took a seat on the bed next to me.

"Well^ÅI^Åuh^Å"

"If you want to know if this mean's we'll have to sleep in our own beds:
yes. I figured that the sooner I learn to deal with these feelings, the
better. And I can't do it by acting like a little kid. Besides, I don't
want you passing out again."

'What was that supposed to mean?' I thought. 'Was he referring to the
incident at the doctor's office?'

"So, what was up with you at the doctor's office yesterday?" asked Brian.
"I mean, I'm sure you've seen a guy's dick before."

Well, that made me uncomfortable as hell. "Actually, I didn't even see
anything before I passed out."

"Oh, so were you sick or something?"

'Yes, love sick,' I thought.

"Not really," I said.

"So then what was the deal?"

I came into this ready to tell him about my crush, and I had a perfect,
if not awkward, segue. I didn't know how to lead into it, so I just told
him. "For a long time I've had a really big crush on you and when the
doctor told you to take off your pants, it was more than I could take."

Brian looked at me quizzically and said, "Really? Even after I was such a
jerk to you?"

"Yeah. I mean, if you haven't noticed, you're really hot."

Brian's face went beet red at that statement. "Well^Åthanks, I guess."

This wasn't exactly the reaction I was planning on after having just
revealed my crush on him. I was hoping it would be more like, "Wow, and
I've had a huge crush on you this whole time, too. Now that we know we
like each other so much, lets make out." But then again, fate never did
like me that much.

'Come on, Brian,' I thought. 'Say something.'

"Kyle," he said.

"Yes?"

"I appreciate that you like me and all, but I just can't see myself with
a guy like you. I mean, you're attractive and all but^Åwe're just too
similar."

Now, I've never been dumped before, but I think this is what it's
supposed to feel like. And I've never been called attractive before
either, so I was pretty confused at that one, too. I felt angry, sad,
betrayed, but mostly sad. I had the feeling from the dream all over
again, that sharp, icy pain in my chest. I wasn't sure how to react.

"'Too similar?'" I said. "What do you mean? We aren't anything like each
other."

"Well, I'm a jock and you're a nerd, but it wasn't always that way. The
way you're into chemistry, I was into history. I used to be as big a geek
as you."

"What, you were skinny and all?" This was not anything like the way I had
pictured it, and I was getting frustrated. I was starting to resent his
every word as a personal attack.

"No, I was actually pretty chubby."

"Yeah, right. Have you seen yourself lately? There's not a single fat
cell in your entire body."

"Look, I wasn't always the popular, attractive jock you have a crush on,
I was once as lonely and insecure as you are."

"Lonely? Who said I'm lonely?"

"Because, I'm lonely as hell and I can see it all in you."

"Lonely, my ass!" I was just plain mad at that point. Everything he was
saying totally contradicted everything I thought I knew about him. Out of
animal instinct, I became very defensive. "You're always surrounded by
people."

"And none of them matter, none of them care who I am. All they want is to
be as popular and cool as me, and I don't want any of it."

"So, you pick on all the other kids who were 'just like you?'"

"It's all part of the show, and I feel terrible about it."

"I sure hope you do, 'cause you made me feel like shit!"

"Look, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I want you to love me! I've spent so much time helping you these last
few days. I've put aside all the anger and hate I felt for your kind^×"

"My kind? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what mean."

"You're still lumping me in with those jerks who follow me around? I've
already told you: that's not who I am."

"And I'm supposed to believe you were a fat little geek with no friends."

"Yes! That's exactly who I was! And after too many judgmental people made
my life a living Hell, I decided to stop doing well in school and joined
all sorts of sports teams. But popular or unpopular, people still judged
me. People like my parents, my 'friends,' you!"

"Me?!"

"Yes, you. All you saw in me was a cute boy in tight jeans. You never
bothered to know anything about me. You don't know my hopes, my dreams,
what I want in life. Do you even know my last name?"

"Of course I do. It's Freeman."

"It's Fleishman!"

The room was engulfed in silence, the most awkward of my life. Those last
words were branded onto my soul. They were the strongest he had ever
spoken to me. I looked into his eyes and where I expected to find anger
and rage, I saw pain and rejection.

He got up off the bed and started pacing and running his fingers through
his hair and over his face. He turned to me and said, "You're no better
than one of those slutty cheerleaders. You're just concerned about
aesthetics. You know, I can't stay here anymore. I can't stand to be
around 'your kind.'"

He grabbed his suitcase off the floor and walked towards the door, but
stopped in the doorway, turned around and said, "By the way, I did love
you. You were the first brother I ever had!"

After that, he slammed the door and stomped down the stairs. I got up and
opened the door and ran after him, determined not to let him have the
last word. I got to the top of the stairs just in time to see him close
the front door.

I was speechless. My whole justification for liking him had just come
crashing down with one simple question. I didn't know what to think, what
to say, what to do. I just stood there.

'"Just concerned about aesthetics?"' I thought. 'Was that really all that
was on my mind? Of course not! I'm not that shallow. I cared about him
even though he was a total ass to me. I cared so much I didn't even care
who he was. I-I didn't even care who he was?'

This sudden realization brought me to the breaking point 'Oh my God! I
didn't even care who he was! I'm a slut! A whore! I'm no better than some
superficial, bubbly cheerleader!'

I ran into my bedroom and threw my face in my pillow and started crying.
Not like in the morning, but hard sobs this time. I was so upset that my
relationship with Brian had just met such a tragic end. I was mad at
myself for being so shallow. I felt void of hope, for if I could judge
someone like that once, how could I ever like a guy without being too
concerned about looks? But mostly, I was sad that I'd hurt Brian. It
wasn't enough that his father had tried to kill him, twice, but now one
of the only people he trusted^×his teddy bear, and apparently is
brother^×had just really hurt his feelings. I felt like such a low-life.

Much to my surprise, I felt James' hand gently rub my back. I had
forgotten he even existed, but was very glad to have him there. I looked
over and he was sitting in the chair next to my bed and was even crying a
little himself.

"I heard you guys arguing," he said. "That was ugly. I bet you feel
terrible."

"You have no idea," I said.

"I bet he feels bad, too."

"I know, *sniff* and that's mostly why I feel bad."

"Well, it's good that you're feeling bad for him. Most people in a
situation like this sit and cry about the relationship they just lost. It
shows you have compassion."

"Then why do I feel so lousy?"

"Because he does. That's part of compassion: feeling someone else's pain
when you don't have to. And don't worry, you'll feel better in the
morning. It's amazing what sleep can cure."

"Will he come back in the morning?"

"I don't know."

"Will I see him at school?"

"I don't know."

"I just want to tell him how sorry I am," I said, and started crying
again. James kept rubbing my back, which brought a great deal of comfort
in an otherwise tense and hopeless situation. I layed there wondering how
this all could have happened. It took a mutual fear to bring us together
and a huge argument to tear us apart. One of the laws of chemistry is
that simple bonds are easy to break. Brian and I had bonded through
trauma and, as soon as that trauma had closure, the bond was broken. Our
only connection had failed and there was nothing keeping us together. Our
bonding energy had evaporated.

But I hope this isn't the last I see of him. We still have to face school
together. I promised him he wouldn't be alone tomorrow. And even if I
can't look him in the eye, I will be a man of my word and stand by his
side. It's the least I owe him.