Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 15:53:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ryan Miller <blue98custom@yahoo.com>
Subject: Bonding Energy Part 6

As with all stories I write, I love feedback. But only
feedback! I am not here to pick up guys, especially
old, hairy, married men looking to get lucky. Tell me
I'm a great writer or whatever, but stop sending gross
pictures of yourself. Unless of course you look like
Charlie Hunnam. ;) So send any comments to
blue98custom@yahoo.com.

Also, you can visit my person web page at
http://www.myspace.com/jamesnkyle. I will be posting
the stories there before I send them to Nifty, so
visit
and get a preview.

Disclaimer:
This is a homoerotic story I have written which means
two things: if you are offended by or not allowed to
read such material, then don't; and don't publish it
elsewhere without my expressed permission.


Bonding Energy Part 6


I went inside and into the living room. I plopped down
in my recliner and turned on the TV. We had gotten
back home in time for me to catch the last half of
"Rick Steve's Europe," so I watched him tour Portugal.
I would have gone upstairs to help Brian unpack with
the others, but I was so worried about telling him I
liked him I couldn't look at him without getting
nervous. I kept asking myself if he would like me back
and saying things to convince myself it wasn't worth
it, but I was tired of the internal debate. I figured
it was better to know for sure if he liked me or not
than to stay up at night wondering.

I heard a loud thud upstairs followed by laughter. It
was probably another gratuitous display of martial
arts from my brother and Aaron. They were always
trying to get other people into it and were probably
giving Brian "examples" of what you could do. If it
was like the other displays, Brian probably had just
been thrown on the floor.

I just kicked back and watched TV.

`You know he's going to hate you,' I said to myself.

`Shut-up. You don't know that.'

`All I know is that he is really hot and could have
any guy he wanted. Why would he want you?'

`Because I'm smart and funny and...kind of
good-looking.'

`"Kind of?" You have the sex-appeal of Liza Minnelli.'

`Bite me! I work out. I might not look like Brian, or
even James, but I'm not scrawny. Hell, at least I'm
not fat.'

`You may as well be.'

"I've had about enough of you!" I shouted.

"Are...you OK, Kyle?" asked James. He had just come
downstairs and was standing in the hall looking at me
weird.

"Oh, I'm fine, I guess," I lied.

"OK then," he said and walked down the hall towards
the kitchen. I got up and went after him, looking for
something to do that would get my mind off of Brian or
me telling him about my crush. I walked into the
kitchen and James was checking out the fridge.

"So, do you think Brian's dad will get out of jail?" I
asked.

"Not for a while," he said. "He had several witnesses
see him throw a brick at his son's head. And Brian has
the cut from the night of the party, so there is
enough evidence for two counts of domestic assault."

I heard Brian and Aaron laugh upstairs. "What are they
doing up there?" I asked.

"Just talking," said James as he pulled the milk out.
"It turns out that Brian wants to got to the same
college Aaron is applying for."

"Aaron wants to go to college?" I asked in disbelief.
For the longest time I had only heard him speak ill of
higher education.

"Yea," said James while he poured a bowl of cereal.
"He decided he wants to have a cool office job like me
where he can make lots of money and not have to deal
with incompetent employees all the time. I told him he
could never avoid the idiots in the workplace, but he
still wants to get out of the bowling business."

"But I thought he loved bowling."

"He does, but it's lost his edge since he started
breaking 280 on a regular basis. A hobby just isn't
fun without a hard goal to work towards." He took his
bowl of cereal and went into the living room and sat
on the couch.

I walked into the doorway and asked, "Umm...does he...does
Aaron know I'm gay?"

James looked at me and smiled. "Why? Do you want to
know if he'll let you grab his ass?"

"Knock it off. I'm serious."

"Well, if he does know, I haven't told him."

"But he knows about Brian."

"That's because Brian told him. The same rule I gave
you applies to everyone: telling people is up to you
and only tell those you trust. And I doubt Brian would
say anything. He understands how it embarrasses you
and would never tell someone like Aaron, though it
would be really funny to watch you freak out!"

He laughed as I walked away. I went up the stairs and
heard Brian and Aaron talking in the room down the
hall from mine. `Cool,' I thought. `Brian gets his own
room. But wait! Does that mean I can no longer be his
teddy bear?'

I walked down the hall and listened to the
conversation they were having. It was something
mundane about what majors they chose and the lame
questions on the application. I started to feel a
sinking feeling in my stomach as I got closer. It was
the same feeling I felt after the dream I woke up to
this morning. I felt so alone, so left out even though
the one I cared about most was just in the next room.
I felt a tear fall down my cheek. `I can't let anyone
see me like this!' I thought.

I fled into my bedroom, got in bed and pulled the
covers over me. I just laid there and silently cried,
remembering the pain of being alone and excluded. `But
that can all change,' I told myself. `If you tell
Brian you like him and he likes you back, you'll never
have to feel this bad again.' That was the clincher.
All the risk of being let down and rejected was
outweighed by the chance to never feel that way again.

But I was still feeling bad. I needed a distraction. I
got my Gameboy and went to work at defeating the Dark
Druid, Nergal. I was trying to beat it on hard mode
and had my work cut out for me. It must have been a
while because I had complete 11 chapters and all of a
sudden heard riotous laughter coming from downstairs.
I walked down the stairs to see James, Aaron and Brian
on the couch watching "Malcolm in the Middle."

"I have the keys, Dad," said Reese, who was locked in
the trunk. "Now lets go!"

All three of them busted up laughing.

"Oh man," said Brian. "I love Reese."

`Uh, oh,' I though. `Bad idea.'

"Oooh, Brian has a crush on Reese," said James.

"And he's like, 5 years younger than you," said Aaron.

"Shut up you guys," said Brian. This sort of treatment
was something I was more than familiar with. Only I
was usually given crap about liking Anakin Skywalker.
(Hayden Christensen, not Jake Lloyd. I hate Jake
Lloyd.) "And what if I do like him?" said Brian. "He
would make a great boyfriend."

My ears perked up. Brian was describing what he liked
in a boyfriend, though I was discouraged that he liked
a dumb-ass.

"Why would you date Reese?" asked Aaron. "He's a
dumb-ass." My thoughts exactly.

"Well, sure he's not the brightest guy," said Brian,
"but he's simple to understand and honest. His motives
are always plain and when faced with the choice, he
does what is best for the ones he cares about." Aww,
how sweet. If those are the requirements to make it to
Brian's heart, I've got `em nailed. "That, and he's
hot!" Well, I didn't quite have that one. But that can
all change. What matters is that I have the inside all
worked out.

The show got over and they started to stand up. I
realized I had been standing in the doorway and ran
back upstairs. I still didn't have the heart to look
at Brian until the moment of judgment. I heard Aaron
say his goodbyes and leave. I panicked. I didn't know
if I should wait in Brian's new room or my own. I
decided to wait in his and ran into it. It looked
simple: the guest bed with his suitcase on it. Some
stuff on the desk and a poster I recognized from
Aaron's house on the wall. It was of "The Two Towers"
and helped the room look more lived-in than before.

I took his suitcase off the bed and put it on the
floor. I sat on the bed and waited for him to come up,
going over in my head what to say. I hadn't gotten
very far in my monolog when I saw Brian's diary--I
mean, journal--on the desk. I was tempted to go over
and flip through it when Brian walked in the room.

"Oh," he said. "Do you like my new room?"

"I, uh, yea. It's fine," I said. "Brian, can we talk?"

"We're talking right now," he said and took a seat on
the bed next to me.

"Well...I...uh..."

"If you want to know if this mean's we'll have to
sleep in our own bed: yes. I figured that the sooner I
learn to deal with these feelings, the better. And I
can't do it by acting like a little kid. Besides, I
don't want you passing out again."

`What was that supposed to mean?' I thought. `Was he
referring to the incident at the doctor's office?'

"So, what was up with you at the doctor's office
yesterday?" asked Brian. Yep, he was. "I mean, I'm
sure you've seen a guy's dick before."

Well, that made me as uncomfortable as hell.
"Actually, I didn't even see anything before I passed
out."

"Oh, so were you sick or something?"

`Yes, love sick,' I thought. "Not really," I said.

"So then what was the deal?"

I came into this ready to tell him about my crush, and
I had a perfect, if not awkward, opportunity to break
it to him. I didn't know how to lead into it, so I
just told him. "For a long time I've had a really big
crush on you and when the doctor told you to take off
your pants, it was more than I could take."

Brian looked at me quizzically and said, "Really? Even
after I was such a jerk to you?"

"Yea. I mean, if you haven't noticed, you're really
hot."

Brian's face went beet red at that statement.
"Well...thanks, I guess."

This wasn't exactly the reaction I was planning on
after having just revealed my crush on him. I was
hoping it would be more like, "Wow, and I've had a
huge crush on you this whole time, too. Now that we
know we like each other so much, lets make out." But
then again, fate never liked me that much. `Come on,
Brian,' I thought. `Say something.'

"Kyle," he said.

"Yes."

"I appreciate that you like me and all, but I just
can't see myself with a guy like you. I mean, you're
attractive and all but...we're just too similar."

Now, I've never been dumped before, but I think this
is what it's supposed to feel like. And I've never
been called attractive before either, so I was pretty
confused at that one, too. I felt angry, sad,
betrayed, but mostly sad. I wasn't sure how to react.
"`Too similar?' What do you mean? We aren't anything
like each other."

"Well, I'm a jock and you're a nerd, but it wasn't
always that way. The way you're into chemistry, I was
into history. I used to be as big a geek as you."

"What, you were skinny and all?" This was not anything
like the way I had pictured things, and I was getting
frustrated. I was starting to resent his every word as
a personal attack.

"No, I was actually pretty chubby."

"Yea, right. Have you seen yourself lately? There's
not a single fat cell in your entire body."

"Look, I wasn't always the popular, attractive jock
you have a crush on, I was once as lonely and insecure
as you are."

"Lonely? Who said I'm lonely?"

"Because, I'm lonely as hell and I can see it all in
you."

"Lonely, my ass!" I was just plain mad at that point.
Everything he was saying totally contradicted
everything I thought I knew about him. Out of animal
instinct, I became very defensive. "You're always
surrounded by people."

"And none of them matter, none of them care who I am.
All they want is to be as popular and cool as me, and
I don't want any of it."

"So, you pick on all the other kids who were `just
like you?'"

"It's all part of the show, and I feel terrible about
it."

"I sure hope you do, `cause you made me feel like
shit!"

"Look, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I want you to love me! I've spent so much time
helping you these last few days. I've put aside all
the anger and hate I felt for your kind--"

"My kind? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what mean."

"You're still lumping me in with those jerks who
follow me around? I've already told you: that's not
who I am."

"And I'm supposed to believe you were a fat little
geek with no friends."

"Yes! That's exactly who I was! And after too many
judgmental people made my life a living Hell, I
decided to stop doing well in school and joined all
sorts of sports teams. But popular or unpopular,
people still judged me. People like my parents, my
`friends,' you!"

"Me?!"

"Yes, you. All you saw in me was a cute boy in tight
jeans. You never bothered to know anything about me.
You don't know my hopes, my dreams, what I want in
life. Do you even know my last name?"

"Of course I do. It's Freeman."

"It's Fleishman!"

There was a long silence, the most awkward of my life.
Those last words were ringing in my ears. They were
the strongest he had ever spoken to me. I looked into
his eyes and where I expected to find anger and rage,
I saw pain and rejection.

He got up off the bed and started pacing and running
his fingers through his hair and over his face. He
turned to me and said, "You're no better than one of
those slutty cheerleaders. You're just concerned about
aesthetics. You know, I can't stay here anymore. I
can't stand to be around `your kind.'" He grabbed his
suitcase off the floor and walked towards the door,
but stopped in the doorway, turned around and said,
"By the way, I did love you. You were the first
brother I ever had!" After that, he slammed the door
and stomped down the stairs. I got up and opened the
door and ran after him, determined not to let him have
the last word. I got to the top of the stairs in time
to see him close the front door.

I was shocked into silence. My whole justification for
liking him had just come crashing down with one simple
question. I didn't know what to think, what to say,
what to do. I just stood there. `"Just concerned about
aesthetics,"' I thought. `Was that really all that was
on my mind? Of course not! I'm not that shallow. I
cared about him even though he was a total ass to me.
I cared so much I didn't even care who he was. I-I
didn't even care who he was?' This sudden realization
brought me to the breaking point `Oh my God! I didn't
even care who he was! I'm a slut! A whore! I'm no
better than some superficial, bubbly cheerleader!'

I ran into my bedroom and threw my face in my pillow
and started crying. Not like in the morning, but hard
sobs this time. I was so upset that my relationship
with Brian had just met such a tragic end. I was mad
at myself for being so shallow. I felt void of hope,
for if I could judge someone like that once, how could
I ever like a guy without being too concerned about
looks? But mostly, I was sad that I'd hurt Brian. It
wasn't enough that his father had tried to kill him
twice, but now one of the only people he trusted--his
teddy bear, and apparently is brother--had just really
hurt his feelings. I felt like such a low-life.

Much to my surprise, I felt James' hand gently rub my
back. I had forgotten he even existed, but was very
glad to have him there. I looked over and he was
sitting in the chair next to my bed and was even
crying a little himself.

"I heard you guys arguing," he said. "That was ugly. I
bet you feel terrible."

"You have no idea," I said.

"I bet he feels bad, too."

"I know, *sniff* and that's mostly why I feel bad."

"Well, it's good that you're feeling bad for him. Most
people in a situation like this sit and cry about the
relationship they just lost. It shows you have
compassion."

"Then why do I feel so lousy?"

"Because he does. That's part of compassion: feeling
someone else's pain when you don't have to. And don't
worry, you'll feel better in the morning. It's amazing
what sleep can cure."

"Will he come back in the morning?"

"I don't know."

"Will I see him at school?"

"I don't know."

"I just want to tell him how sorry I am," I said, and
started crying again. James kept rubbing my back,
which brought a great deal of comfort in an otherwise
tense and hopeless situation. I laid there wondering
how this all could have happened. It took a mutual
fear to bring us together and a huge argument to tear
us apart. One of the laws of chemistry is that simple
bonds are easy to break. Brian and I had bonded
through trauma and, as soon as that trauma had
closure, the bond was broken. Our only connection had
failed and there was nothing keeping us together. Our
bonding energy had evaporated.

But I hope this isn't the last I see of him. We still
have to face school together. I promised him he
wouldn't be alone tomorrow. And even if I can't look
him in the eye, I will be a man of my word and stand
by his side. It's the least I owe him.

To be continued...maybe...I mean, it could just end
right here...what do you think?

That's all for now. Be on the lookout for the next
installment. Remember to tell me what you though at
blue98custom@yahoo.com.