Date: Sat, 2 Jul 2005 11:31:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ryan Miller <blue98custom@yahoo.com>
Subject: Bonding Energy part 9

I have received numerous comments on how my "opening statement" is
arrogant and rude, and it is. But there's a reason. I have no problem
with old, hairy, married men. I welcome comments and insight from that
demographic as much as the others. What I do not welcome are the naked
pictures old, hairy, married men keep sending me after they read my
stories. I don't know why they do it. I think it's gross and rude and
it pisses me off just a little. So, send me feedback (nice, mean,
uplifting, condemning--whatever you want to say) to
blue98custom@yahoo.com, but nothing more. If I wanted to see a bunch of
old, hairy dicks, I'd buy an issue of Playcrone.

Disclaimer:
This is a homoerotic story I have written which means
two things: if you are offended by or not allowed to
read such material, then don't; and don't publish it
elsewhere without my expressed permission.

You can also see the rest of my stories at
http://groups.myspace.com/jamesnkyle. I usually post them earlier there
than on Nifty, so check it out for a "free preview" (the kind you don't
have to pay for).

Bonding Energy Part 9

As we stepped off the elevator, I saw Nick sitting out in the hallway
with his arm around Aaron. Aaron looked terrible, like he had been up all
night crying. James went over and hugged Aaron and I went to check on
Brian. But the room was locked and the shutters were closed around his
window. "What's going on?" I asked. "I thought you said he was
awake."

"He is," said Nick. "That's why the doctor and nurses are in there.
They want to check him out and see if anything happened to his brain and
they don't want anyone else in there."

James released Aaron from his embrace and took a seat next to him. I sat
down next to James and stared at Aaron. He looked pathetic. `Serves him
right,' I thought. `He thinks he can just come out of nowhere and steal
Brian? Not without a price!'

`You know, you do have a point. That was a sneaky and underhanded thing
to do. I mean, he knew you liked Brian.'

`Wait. Did he? No one told him I was gay. But apparently I had been
making it rather obvious. Chances are he took a hint. But even if he knew
I was gay, that doesn't mean he knew I liked Brian. I mean, Brian
didn't even know I liked Brian.'

`This is true. And who could blame Aaron for falling for him? You've
been doing it for the last two years.'

`Yeah. He is pretty hot. But even still, James didn't tell me. That rat
bastard! What's his problem?'

`You know what his rule is about telling people you're gay. He applies
it the same way to you, Brian and Aaron. He couldn't just tell you
because it would break the rule.'

`He could have at least told me so I could avoid so much heartache.'

`And you would have reacted differently at home?'

`Of course! I would have had time to get ready.'

`For what?'

`Competition! It would have been me and Aaron going head to head in
mortal combat for Brian's heart!'

`And you'd lose that competition for two reasons: One, Aaron could kick
your ass in his sleep. Two, Brian doesn't want you as a boyfriend. He
loves you as his brother. Why do you keep trying to change that?'

`I don't know. Brian's just so cute and everything and we've been
through a lot together. But the same could be said for Aaron...I guess old
habits are hard to break.'

`Well, you'd better start breaking them because if you don't, you'll
keep breaking your heart.'

`Yeah, I guess you're right. So...what should I do now?'

`Hell if I know. I'm just part of your psyche. If I had the answers,
you wouldn't be asking the questions. My advice: wing it.'

I looked back at Aaron. I had never seen him like this before. His eyes
were filled with sadness and I started to feel really sorry for him. I
had tried hating him, but he was such a nice guy and seemed so concerned
about Brian that I couldn't feel that way any more. I was having trouble
looking him in the eye and he seemed to have the same problem with me.
With all the courage I could gather and in a shaky voice, I said,
"I-I'm sorry."

All three of them looked over at me with confusion and Aaron asked,
"What for?"

"For getting all upset and yelling at you guys last night," I said. "I
was really mean and I feel bad about it and I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be," he said.

"Yes, I do," I said. "And I really am. I should have never acted that
way and shouldn't have gotten mad that you liked him and--"

"Kyle, stop," said Aaron. "You don't have to be sorry. You reacted
the same way anyone would have. Besides, I understand what you feel. I
felt the same way when James told me he was straight."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I looked over at James and he was just
staring at the floor. "How could James break your heart like that?" I
asked.

"Very easily," said Aaron. "You see, when I met James in tae kwan do,
my life really sucked. I was a huge loner. I didn't have any friends and
didn't really do much outside of school. The year before, I had gotten
in a really bad fight. One of the guys in the locker room caught me
staring at him while he was changing and beat me up for it. He ended up
breaking my jaw and I became the laughing stock of the whole school.
Everyone knew me as the queer that got his ass beat down.

"After a year of feeling bad for myself and having suicidal thoughts, I
decided I would never be humiliated like that again. I started working
out and taking taw kwan do. That's when I met James. He was different
from anyone else I knew. He was so easy-going and yet so confident in who
he was. And best of all, he became my friend without caring that I was
the biggest loser in my school. The more I thought about it, the more I
figured that he must be gay or something because that was the only reason
I could figure he would be so nice to me.

"After a while, I had a huge crush on him. I was always thinking about
how we would be boyfriends and do everything together and be madly in
love. One day we were in my room goofing off and I came on to him. I was
doing a really bad job and he wasn't really getting the message. So I
told him I was gay and really liked him. He just said, `Well, that
explains a lot. Sorry man, but I'm straight.'

"I was really confused at that point. I figured that if he wasn't gay
he would beat the crap out of me for coming on to him like that. But he
acted like it was no big deal. And I was really upset that the boy I had
been dating in my mind for so long didn't want me. When he left that
night, I went up into my room and cried like my life had just ended. I
never wanted to fall in love again. I stopped going to tae kwan do, I got
rid of all the e-mails he ever sent me and almost broke my phone when I
saw his number on speed-dial. I felt so terrible and I never wanted to
see him again.

"But I kept wondering why he was so cool about it. Ever since I got beat
up my freshman year, being gay was a huge deal for me and I expected
everyone else to freak out about it. But when he didn't react at all, it
really confused me. The only thing that kept me from killing myself over
him was curiosity. I wanted to know why he didn't care and how he really
felt about me.

"A week later, he showed up at my house with tickets to go see
`Fellowship of the Ring.' I had really been looking forward to it, but
I did my best to try and get out of it. After I told him to leave, he
said, `This is about your gay crush on me, isn't it?'"

"He always had a knack for that kind of stuff," I said.

"Hey, life's too short to beat around the bush," said James.

"With you James," said Nick, "there is no bush to beat around."

"Anyway," said Aaron. "James hit the nail on the head, as usual. I
told him that I really liked him and had been imagining for a while what
it would be like to go out with him and that when he told me he was
straight he broke my heart. Then he did the most unexpected thing I had
ever imagined. He gave me a big hug and said he was sorry we could only
be friends, but that he would make sure he was the best friend I ever
had. And he has been. No one had ever been that accepting of me before
and to this day I still don't understand how he can do it."

"I've told you before," said James. "I'm your best friend and
that's all you need to know. If you start analyzing why, it loses it's
meaning."

"Thanks, man," said Aaron and they leaned over and hugged each other
again. Now this was weird. I had never seen them act this...sappy! The
most physical contact they ever had was when they were kicking and
punching each other. This was a side I had never seen in either of them.
But it definitely did explain a lot. I looked over at Nick and he was
looking at me and shrugged as if to ask, "What now?"

"So, why did you like James?" I asked.

They sat back up and Aaron said, "Because he had always been my friend
when no one else was and he always seemed to know what was going on
underneath the surface. I really admired him for his honesty and depth.
That, and I think he has the cutest smile in the whole world." When
Aaron said that, he looked over at James like a kindergarten girl would
look at her first crush, and James beamed a huge smile back at him.

"Uh, James," I said. "I thought you said you were straight."

James looked over at me like I had just impugned his manhood, which I
kind of had. "Of course I am," he said. "But that doesn't mean I
can't be flattered by another guy."

Aaron chuckled and said, "That was one of the great parts about being
friends with James. He would let me hit on him and stuff and he was
totally cool with it. It really helped me get used to all my gay
feelings."

"I even let him kiss me," said James. "But just once."

"What?" said Nick. "You let him kiss you?"

"Just once," said James. "It was right after his graduation. He was
feeling bad that he had gone all through high school without ever kissing
a boy, so I planted one right on his lips there in the gymnasium parking
lot. A few people saw, but we were never going to see them again, so we
didn't care. And it was great because he walked around like he was in a
drunken stupor the rest of the night." James started laughing and Aaron
blushed. And it made me think about what my relationship with Brian would
be like. There were boundaries of course, but it seemed now like there
was certain potential.

"Well, I'm glad you got that out of your system," said Nick.

"Well, it's not completely out," said Aaron as he reached over and
felt up Nick's leg. Nick slapped his hand away and Aaron and James
started laughing at him.

But I didn't laugh. I was too busy thinking about Aaron. I was starting
to gain a new respect for him. He had been through a lot more for being
gay than I could imagine, just like Brian. I guess that's one reason
they could relate so well. And now I was really starting to feel bad for
being so mean to them. "Hey Aaron," I said. "Just know that I'm
really sorry. I never should have--"

"Seriously, Kyle," said Aaron, "you don't have to apologize. One
thing I have learned from being friends with James is that saying you're
sorry only makes you feel sorry. It's good for when you need to feel
that way, but it doesn't help you move on. I don't feel bad or anything
that you got mad at me, so you don't have to feel bad. I'm not jealous
that Brian loves to talk about you all the time, so you don't need to be
jealous of me. If anything, I feel bad because I remember what it was
like to be where you are. I feel--oh! Can we help you?"

I looked up and saw a woman in a lab coat standing across from us,
watching. "My name is Dr. Olsen," she said. "I'm the doctor who is
taking care of Brian. The nurse told me you were his brothers, but his
medical chart says he is an only child. But don't worry," she said as
she saw James preparing a statement. "I admire such devotion among
friends. But I'd really like to see a blood relative if that's
possible."

"That's going to be a little tough," said James. "His father is in
jail for attacking him and his mother is in the hospital as well,
incidentally enough for trauma to the head."

"I know about Mrs. Fleishman," she said. "I treated her myself. She's
actually in a coma now."

"Really?" Aaron gasped.

"Yes," said Dr. Olsen. "That brick didn't hit her hard, but it seems
to have hit the right spot to send her into a coma. Anyway, are there any
extended relatives in the area that you know about?"

We all said some form of "no" and shook our heads.

"Then I guess I'll just have to give you the bad news," she said.
"Brian does have a concussion, but you already knew that. We tested him
thoroughly and there doesn't seem to be much neurological damage. No
numbness, no loss of strength and his reflexes are fine. But he does
appear to have some loss of memory."

"How much?" I blurted out.

"I was getting to that," said Dr. Olsen. "He remembers who he is, but
he doesn't know how he got here. He doesn't remember a fight or
anything before Friday it would seem. The last thing he remembers is
getting ready for his dad's party and feeling really nervous. He
wouldn't say why he was nervous, though."

`Wow,' I thought `That really is bad news. Everything we went through,
the most tumultuous days of my life, and probably his, gone.'

"Is there any way we could jog his memory or something?" asked Aaron.
He was starting to tear up, probably thinking the same thing I was.

"There could be, but it's not going to be like turning on a light. He
might remember a little, he might remember a lot, he might remember
nothing at all. The brain doesn't like psychological trauma any more
than it likes physical trauma. The first chance it has, it gets rid of
any painful memories or experiences. Don't count on him remembering
those things. Just try and remind him of the happy things he went through
in the last few days."

`Irony never stung so bad,' I thought.

"So...he doesn't remember anything?" asked Aaron.

"That's what he told us," said the doctor.

"What did he say?" pleaded Aaron.

"Just that he doesn't know how he got here. We asked him what the last
thing he remembered was and he said getting ready for his father's
party. But he did keep asking to see Kyle. Is that one of you?"

"Uh, that's me," I said.

"Then I suggest you go and talk to him when you're ready. My advice is
to not try and interrogate or debrief him. He'll remember when his mind
wants to. Right now it's just trying to piece together what it has left
and you can't expect to put together a puzzle that doesn't have all the
pieces. Just be yourself. Familiar faces and personalities will help a
lot. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see my other patients."

She walked off and left us all thinking about what to do next. Aaron was
trying hard not to cry, but it wasn't working. "He doesn't even
remember me," he said. "When we talked, when we came out to each other,
nothing. It's like none of it never happened. I-I'm nothing to him!"

"Don't say that, Aaron," said James.

"But it's true!" cried Aaron. "It's like I never existed to him. He
knows nothing about me!"

"Calm down, Aaron, and think about this," said James. "When you first
met him he knew nothing about you. It was like you never existed. Now you
get to meet him all over again. Isn't that romantic?"

As stupid and cheesy as James sounded, he managed to calm Aaron down.
"I...I guess you're right," he said. "And it gives me a chance to not
look stupid in front of him this time."

"Well, there's not much you can do about that," said James. The two of
them laughed, but it was nervous laughter.

"Hey guys," said Nick. "What are we going to tell Brian? More
importantly, what is Kyle going to tell him?"

"Yeah, why does he want to see Kyle and not the rest of us?" asked
Aaron.

"Well, he said he remembers back to getting ready for the party and I
knew him before then," I said.

"But it's probably more than that," said Nick. "He was always hanging
out with you and talking about you. And he's not asking for his parents
or anyone else. Whatever you did had a very strong impact on him and has
been preserved in his mind. He's trying to figure out what happened and
you're all he can remember."

"But why not anyone else?" asked Aaron.

"I don't know," said Nick.

"So, what am I supposed to do to make him remember?" I asked.

"You heard what the doctor said," said James. "We can't make him
remember anything. He has to do it on his own."

"You know, smell is the strongest sense linked to memory," said Nick.

"Not now, Nick," said James.

"No, James," he said. "This time it's important."

"What are you talking about?" said James.

"It's like this," said Nick. "The first time Brian met Aaron was when
he was making pancakes at your house."

"So?" said Aaron.

"So, if you go in there holding pancakes, it would probably help him
remember some parts of the weekend."

"Oh, sorry," said Aaron. "I forgot my pan and batter at home."

"You can use the hospital pancakes," said Nick. "It's breakfast time
and you can snag a plate from one of the food carts in the hall." I
looked around and there were carts in some parts of the hall and the
faint aroma of cheap hospital food in the air.

"So you think Aaron can just walk in there with a plate of pancakes and
Brian will remember everything?" asked James.

"Not everything, but in theory yes," said Nick.

"In theory that sounds stupid," said James.

"Hey!" said Aaron. "I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas.
I for one am more than willing to try it. If it doesn't work, I just get
a free meal."

"OK, give it a shot," said James.

"And Kyle," said Nick. "If he does remember, he'll really want you to
be there. So go ahead and go in and see how he's doing."

"OK," I said.

I got out of my chair and Aaron got up and went to scavenge for some
pancakes. I walked towards Brian's room and my heart was pounding. I
didn't know what to say or do. Nothing had prepared me for this. I
stepped inside and Brian weakly looked over at me and said, "Oh, it's
you, Kyle."

"Hey, Brian," I said. "How's it going?"

`What the hell?' I thought. `He just came to and you ask him how it's
going?'

"Fine for being in the hospital, I guess," he said. "Here, sit down."
He scooted over and made room for me to sit next to him on his bed. I sat
in the space he made, trying not to take up too much room.

"So," I said. "How do you feel?"

"Not too good," said Brian. "My head feels terrible. The doctor said
that I was in a fight at school and had a concussion, but she wouldn't
tell me anything else. She said it's not good to try and remember
anything right now and that I need to rest. But do you know what
happened?"

"Well, kind of," I said. I was trying really hard not to tell him
absolutely everything that had happened. Aaron walked into the room
holding a plate of pancakes. He stood at the foot of the bed staring at
Brian and had a really dumb smile on his face.

"Who are you?" asked Brian.

"Uh, m-my name's Aaron," he said. "Do you remember me?"

"No," said Brian matter-of-factly. "Are you one of the nurses?"

"Uh, well, no, not really," said Aaron. "I'm just...just..." He looked
ready to cry again and set the plate on the table by Brian's bed and sat
in the closest chair he could find, looking very dejected.

"Well, um, yeah," said Brian. "So Kyle, do you know what happened to
me?"

`What should I say?' I thought. `I know everything that happened, so
telling him "no" would be a lie. But he will have to find out
eventually. Should I just tell him now? What do I--'

"Hey," said Aaron. "I heard the first few seasons of `Malcolm in the
Middle' are out on DVD."

"Really?" said Brian. "I love that show! Reese is my favorite
character."

"Mine too," said Aaron. "He may be dumb as hell, but he's really
funny. And he has some admirable qualities."

"I know," said Brian. "Most people don't usually think of him that
way."

"Yeah," said Aaron. "Most people can't tell how he's so simple to
understand and honest. His motives are always plain and when faced with
the choice, he does what is best for the ones he cares about. That, and
he's hot!"

Aaron sat in his chair smiling a very nervous smile at Brian while Brian
stared back at him quizzically. "W-what did you say?" asked Brian.
There was a deafening silence in the room. Brian and Aaron just stared at
each other.

Then Brian's eyes brightened and he said, "I do remember you. I
remember seeing you at Kyle's house. We were watching TV together.
And...you made pancakes that morning. And I had gone to the doctor's
office that day. But...what for?" He reached up and felt his head. The
cut still wasn't fully healed and he winced when he touched it. And then
Brian went very pale and his eyes very wide.

"No!" he said. "NO! NOOOOOOO!" He started crying and shouting
hysterically.

James, Nick and the nurse all ran in at the same time, the nurse pushing
them out of her way to get to Brian. "What's happening?" she shouted
over Brian's screams.

"I think he just got his memory back," said Nick. "He had a really
rough weekend."

The nurse looked back at him and said, "No kidding." She went over and
checked the monitors and said, "I think we need to call in some
orderlies to sedate him."

"No, don't do that," said Aaron. He turned to Brian and said,
"Please, Brian. Calm down."

"How can I calm down?!" he cried. "Do you know what's happened to
me?! Do you know how my life's just been ruined?!"

"Yes, I do," said Aaron. "We all do. We were there when it all
happened. And your life hasn't been ruined"

"Yes it has!" screamed Brian. "Everyone at school thinks I'm a fag!
My own parents don't even love me anymore! I can't play sports! I
don't have a home! My life is over! I don't want to live any more!"
Brian started sobbing heavily between screams of terror.

"Brian, please calm down," said Aaron, desperately.

"I don't want to calm down!" said Brian, viciously. "I want to die! I
want to die!" He lurched forward and grabbed a glass cup from the table
at the end of his bed and smashed it on one of the monitors. The glass
broke onto his bed and he fished out a large shard.

"Brian, no!" screamed Aaron. He grabbed the hand that held the glass,
but Brian just moved his other arm over, exposing his wrist. James jumped
in and grabbed Brian's wrist and tried pulling it away. Orderlies
appeared outside of the door and Nick did his best to keep him at bay.
This whole time I was still next to Brian in his bed and watched as these
horrible events transpired. I wanted to help Brian calm down, but I had
no clue what to do, so I just helped James try and pull Brian's arm
away.

"Stop!" yelled Brian, hoarsely. "Let me go! I want to die!"

"No, Brian, please don't die!" pleaded Aaron. "I don't want to lose
you!"

"Lose me?!" said Brian. "What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"Don't you remember?" asked Aaron.

"Remember what?!" spat Brian.

"This," said Aaron. He leaned over and softly kissed Brian on the
cheek. As soon as Aaron's lips touched him, Brain stopped struggling. He
let go of the glass and it went clattering to the floor. His eyes filled
with wonder, his mouth gaped open. Aaron stood up and said, "Remember?
That's what happened after we came out to each other. You said you had
never been kissed by a boy before, so I kissed you." Brian stared up at
Aaron and a small smile crept across his face.

"Sorry to interrupt this moment," said the nurse, "but you need to get
out of the way." Aaron stepped aside and she moved over and stuck a
syringe in Brian's IV. At merely the sight of the needle, James passed
out onto the floor.

"What are you doing?" asked Aaron.

"I'm giving him morphine to knock him out," she said.

"But why?" he demanded. "He just woke up. We just got to see him."

"Yeah, and he just tried to kill himself," she said. "Hospital policy
says we need to knock him out."

"Aaron," said Brian. Aaron ran over to my side of the bed and grabbed
Brian's hand as he was being sedated. "Don't worry," Brian said.
"I'll be fine. I remember now that life isn't so terrible. I
remem-remember that I have the...the two things I've always
wanted...boyfriend, and a...a little brother." Still holding Aaron's
hand, he reached his arm around me and held be to him and kissed me on
the head. A few moments later he fell asleep.

That last part touched my heart. I'm not one to get all sentimental, but
I shed a tear when I heard I'd made the same list as Aaron did, Brian's
list of what he always wanted. That was the end of any resentment I felt
towards Aaron or Brian.

The orderlies picked James up off the floor and cleaned the glass off of
Brian's bed. We had to leave and let Dr. Olsen give Brian a psych
evaluation when he woke up. But I would have had to leave anyway because
I had to go to school. People were still talking about Brian at school,
but now it was about how he had wasted Shawn and his friends out by the
dumpsters. Some were even questioning the rumors about him being gay, but
it didn't matter now. The damage was done.

After school, I went straight to the hospital to check on Brian. When I
got there, he was picking at some lame hospital food and Aaron was
sleeping in a chair. Brian was glad to see me and I took my place by him
on his bed. I told him about my day and how he was now the hero of the
school for taking out Shawn. He was quite pleased to hear that. After
some organic chemistry homework and a movie (Blade II), James came over
to pick up Aaron.

"Bye Aaron," said Brian.

"Goodbye, Brian," said Aaron. "I'll see you in the morning."

I was glad his "shift" was over, because now mine could begin. It was
late and Brian was notably tired. I leaned over and hugged him and he put
his arms around me and I snuggled in for bed. Brian fell asleep much
faster than I did and I stayed awake feeling him breathe and simply
enjoying his arms around me. I was once again his human teddy bear. And I
have come to realize that that is exactly what a brother is: a human
teddy bear. A brother is someone you can play with, talk to about
anything, hold on to when you're lonely, and cling to when you're
scared. And I was able to hug him right back. And if that's what it
takes to fulfill my job as Brian's brother, then I'm perfectly fine
with that. And it didn't matter that sex wasn't involved because I
didn't really want him that way anymore. I mean, he's my brother, and
I'm not into that.

Shawn never did do any time for his attack on Brian because Brian didn't
press charges. He figured it would be worse for Shawn to return to school
as the guy who got beat up by a queer, and it was.

But Brian's father did do time for assault and attempted assault. He got
out on parole after a few months, but not before he was given syphilis.
He and Brian have not seen each other since the trial, and neither
regrets that.

Brian's mother came out of her coma after a few weeks, but experienced
severe amnesia. She is living with her sister now. Brian goes and sees
her every once in a while, but she has no memory of ever having a son.

Nick lost a bet over the summer and we made him apply to MIT. When he was
accepted, we found out why he didn't want to go in the first place. He
got all emotional when he got his acceptance letter and cried because he
didn't want to leave us. We threw him a huge going away party and I
really think that helped him let go.

Aaron and Brian began dating over the summer and are now madly in love.
They do practically everything together and I am very happy for them.
They are going to the same college that is just a few hours away from
here. Brian is majoring in physical education and Aaron in
entrepreneurship. They became roommates, of course, but I can tell you
that not much studying goes on in that dorm room. But I am welcome to
visit any time and have not lost my place in Brian's arms.

James is still the same fun-loving, needle-hating insightful and caring
son-of-a-bitch he always has been. He's tried dating a few times, but no
relationship seems to stick. They always complain that he is too involved
in his job, but he doesn't care. He loves getting paid a lot for
something he could do in his sleep. And the interns still get mad that he
only has a GED, and his boss is more than happy to set them straight.

As for me, my life has changed considerably since the fateful night that
Brian Fleishman showed up on my doorstep, dripping wet and bleeding. I
have taken to not analyzing life so much. I have found that trying to
explain people and relationships is useless because they often make no
sense at all. Don't believe me? Then you try and explain how a huge jock
and an even bigger geek became fast friends. And I have taken steps to
not be so obvious about my gayness. No one at school knows I'm gay, even
after all that has happened, and I'd kind of like to keep it that way.
But I am thinking about telling my friends. Yes, I actually have friends
now, and I am also in the market for a boyfriend. But that's another
story entirely.

Fin

_____________________________________________________________________________
That's all for now. Remember to tell me what you thought at
blue98custom@yahoo.com.