Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 18:38:43 -0400
From: Brawlin <brawlinauthor@gmail.com>
Subject: Brawlin Chapter 6 Revised.txt

Rob awoke to the smell of breakfast wafting its way into his room. His head
ached, informing him before he'd even moved that he was hungover. He gazed
at the clock adjacent his bed realizing that it was barely even 7:30.

"Fuck" was all he could muster as he rose from the bed and stumbled toward
the bathroom to piss. The room was barely aglow, faint light peeking in
from behind the heavy drapes covering the rooms windows. It was chilly,
especially so because he hadn't bothered putting clothes on before crashing
into bed. His bare feet sent chills through him as they connected with the
cool tile of the bathroom floor. As he entered the bathroom a feeling of
nausea fell upon him as he realized he hadn't washed his face or brushed
his teeth the night before.

"This is why this is bad" he thought to himself as he approached the
toilet. His routines were ritual, habits bordering upon obsessive, which he
felt his very life depended on. Yet, he'd abandoned them last night,
without a second thought. Why? It was a question he seemed to be asking a
lot recently. He'd given in last night to something he knew he should have
done without. None of this would end well for either of them. He'd end up
hurting Josh and Josh would end up making him wish for things that could
never be. But it had felt right. That was the weirdest part. Had he wanted
Josh to follow him in the room? Yes. Was he glad he'd stopped him? Yes, but
not because he'd have felt disgusted with himself if he had allowed it. And
that was the oddest part. Every other time he'd messed around with a girl
he'd got off and been done. There was no desire to take it further, nothing
emotional about it, but with this it was different. He'd had to resist
taking it further.

He began pacing his room, taking in the soft indentations of the patterned
wallpaper, the urge to count them creeping in. Josh was in his kitchen,
cooking breakfast, what would Rob say to him? What would he do? It suddenly
dawned on him that the fact that Josh was downstairs should freak him
out. He'd brought someone home, done things he never thought he'd do, and
awoken for the first time in his life without a pang of regret. For the
first time he wished he was waking up next to the person he'd hooked up
with. And it was a guy.

The feelings of nasuea he'd felt when walking into the bathroom returned as
he began to freak out. This wasn't his plan. It didn't fit into his
framework. Rob had a plan: Duke the next fall, law school after, meet a
sweet girl and marry her. He wanted normalcy, a life that could be
controlled. He didn't want love or lust or anything of the sort because
those just ended with a broken heart. He began breathing slowly in through
the nose and exhaling from the mouth. He had obligations and family status
to uphold, why risk giving up those things for someone that would leave?
Maybe someone who doesn't even want to stay. Why would someone ever stay
for a basket case?

He breathed out slowly, resolving to slip on a pair of sweat pants and a
t-shirt and pop a painkiller from his stash before heading down to the
kitchen. As he rounded the bottom of the stair and came through to the
doorway of the kitchen he paused for a moment to watch Josh. Josh was
searching for something in the fridge, shirtless, and Rob couldn't help but
stare at his broad back. It annoyed him that he found him so
fascinating. Even after he'd had him.

"Hey" Josh said, turning to meet Rob's gaze, a gallon of orange juice in
hand.

"Hey" Rob replied.

"Sorry, I was basically about to starve. Like I'm pretty sure I was dying
of hunger" He giggled, his left hand levitating to the back of his head "I
figured if I made enough that you'd forgive me for raiding your kitchen."

"No problem" Rob said, moving to the kitchen counter to prep the single cup
coffee maker. He noticed Josh's eyes on him as he moved. Why did Rob like
that so much?

"So uh... are your parents ever home?" Josh said, obviously trying to cut
through the awkwardness of the moment.

"Mom's out of town a lot for work. My dad passed away about four years
ago." Rob said steadily, despite his shaking hands, as he watched the
coffee drip into the cup below. Even if he had become used to talking about
it by now he still hated the way that people looked when they first found
out.

"I'm sorry man, I didn't know."

"No big deal, like you said, you didn't know. Dad started the company but
when he got sick mom took over."

"You drink it black?"

"What?" Rob said, slightly suprised at the sudden subject change.

"Your coffee, that's nasty dude."

"Oh, yeah I don't like cream or sugar" Rob lied, it wasn't that he didn't
like the taste, rather, he didn't like the excess calories.

"Are you really not even gonna look at me?" Josh said, prompting Rob to
turn around for the first time since they had said hey. Rob said nothing at
first. He just stared at him unsure of what to do. "I get it ok... I'm
sorry I pushed you. It's my fault. I..."

"What do you want me to say?" Rob said abruptly. Anger pulsed through him
as he began to approach Josh. Rob could tell his sudden outburst startled
Josh but Rob couldn't help it. He'd been bottling everything in all morning
and for some reason the apology was the lever to the floodgates. "What do
you want me to say Josh?" Rob repeated as he moved closer towards
him. "That I enjoyed it? I did. That I think you're beautiful? I do. That I
still want to touch you? Every time I'm around you. I don't think you'd be
fooled if I said any differently." He was inches from Josh's face now,
taking in every aspect of what he saw, rounded cheekbones, blurry eyes, he
had to resist the urge to kiss him. "So don't feign some fucking appology
for my sake. I didn't do anything I didn't want to do and that's the
fucking problem!"

Rob began to step away to make his retreat until he felt a hand at his
elbow keeping him from spinning around. "Why?" Josh said, his eyes full of
unrelenting determination as he demanded an answer from Rob.

"Why what?" Rob spat.

"Why is it a problem?"

Rob felt himself deflate as he answered, "because it's not who I'm supposed
to be Josh..." he paused to look up at the cieling, breathing in deeply
before speaking again, "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. I, do... do you
want some coffee?"

"You're not giving me an answer Rob. I don't know what you mean." Josh
said, folding his arms about his chest. Rob could only stare in the face of
his question, retreating to his icy defenses. "Don't look at me like that
dude, what do you mean?"

"What do you think?" Rob said matter-of-factly, "you're a guy Josh."

"So thats it? That didn't seem to matter too much last night man."

"It mattered, I just was too drunk to care."

"Well that just makes perfect sense. You didn't do anything you didn't want
to do but yet you're basically saying you only did it cuz you were drunk?"

"More or less." Rob said, knowing he sounded like a complete asshole, but
he'd failed at keeping Josh away once before, this time he needed to seal
the deal.

"So you're just going to live a lie?" Josh asked.

"A lie?" Josh's words confused Rob.

"You're ashamed of the fact that you're gay." Josh said plainly.

"Who said I'm gay?"

"Well I don't exactly have tits so..."

"I'm not sure what I am" Rob said sadly. He couldn't hide this, couldn't
continue to be angry about Josh's words. Was Josh right? Was he living a
lie? He'd never thought of it that way before. It had always been simply
doing what he needed to do.

"You were pretty sure last night"

"Well you're not exactly jumping from the closet either." Rob said, his
will to dominate the conversation returning, slowly but steadily. He saw
the affect his words had on Josh, as if Josh were retreating somewhere
inside himself. Rob regretted the words immediately. He hated this struggle
within himself. One moment he wanted Josh to hate him the next he wanted to
take words back? "Pull it together Rob" he thought to himself.

"I guess... I guess I'm just not ready to be an outcast yet." Josh said,
staring down at his feet.

"And you think I am? Forgive me for also thinking that I have a bit more to
be outcast from than you." Rob said, unspitefully, yet he knew his words
cut Josh deep. He had only meant that Josh didn't have the societal
connections and expectations that he himself did, something which Rob
envied Josh for, yet he knew Josh didn't see it that way. Suddenly that
internal struggle within him was resolved, he wished he could start this
whole conversation over, because he was pretty sure he'd succeeded in
getting Josh to hate him and it killed him.

"Fuck you Rob" Josh said, making his way to head out of the kitchen.

"I just meant..."

"I don't give a shit what you meant" Rob heard Josh's voice echo down the
hall.

And just like that Rob was alone staring at bacon sizzling in a pan and
beaten eggs mellowing in a mixing bowl on the counter. Again, Rob was left
experiencing brand new feelings. No one had ever walked away from him like
that. No one had ever made him feel as if he should take his words
back. He'd never had a filter before and now all of a sudden he found
himself stumbling over words and essentially hating himself for letting
them be spoken unchecked. His head ached as he wondered just how long it
would be before the pain pill he'd taken would kick in. He decided to give
it a little boost as he went to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a
morning scotch and then finished the breakfast in silence.


Josh-

He drifted aloft in the almost bath like water as he stared up into the
crystal clear sky above. He had always done this, for as long as he could
remember - escape to the water. It calmed him somehow, whether it be a
pool, the ocean or even a shower it always seemed to serve as his
escape. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. Why had he come here?
Why had he given in to Rob's advances.

He saw him approach before he could speak. A plate in one hand and a rocks
glass in the other. Josh couldn't believe Rob was already drinking. The kid
definitely had a problem but Josh would be damned before he'd say anything
about it. Rob could drink himself to death for all he cared.

"Aren't you going to eat? I thought you were on the brink of starvation."
Josh heard the muffled sounds of Rob's voice as they penetrated the water.

"You finished breakfast? I would have thought that would be beneath you."
Josh said, rising up from the water. He'd made sure to leave his underwear
on this time.

"Fine I guess I'll feed it to the dogs." Rob said, turning on his heels to
head back towards the house. Josh let him go, letting him make it all the
way to the door. He'd called his mom, she was on her way to get him after
she ran some errands, he could hold out until she got her. He had wanted to
tell her to come straight away but that would raise a red flag if he seemed
too anxious to get away. A few moments after Rob had gone inside his head
was peeking out the door again.

"God dammit Josh please come and eat." Rob yelled.

"Go to hell." Josh said prompting Rob to slam the door so loudly that it
startled the birds leisurely singing from the porch roof.

The action pissed Josh off to no end. So much so that he was marching
toward the back porch, stripping off his wet underwear and slipping on
jeans, before he even realized where his feet were taking him. He went
inside to find Rob sprawled out in a chair by the breakfast table, two
plates filled with eggs, bacon and biscuits atop it, wearing a harsh scowl
across his face.

"Admit that you're ashamed." Josh said, crossing his arms about his chest.

"So what if I am? You are too aren't you?" Rob said, his jaw tightening as
he spoke.

"No, no I'm not. I'm going to love someone, some man, with all my heart one
day. It's just not today. I'm not gonna lie about it. I'm not gonna live a
lie."

"And you think I am?" Rob said.

"Do you even like girls?"

"I'm done with this conversation." Rob said, standing up from the table.

"Well I'm not. Answer the question!" Josh said, triggering Rob to
suprisingly sit back down. He faced away from Josh staring at the brightly
colored wall for a few moments.

"I... I thought I did." Rob finally said. He didn't know why but Josh felt
his chest swell up. 'He thought he did until he met me' Josh
thought. Strangely Josh felt satisfied with that answer. So much so in fact
that he sat down across from Rob.

"Two creams, Two sugars" Josh said, picking up the fork laying on the table
as he dug into the plate.

"Huh?" Rob said looking at him utterly confused.

"You offered to make me coffee earlier, remember? I like two creams and two
sugars." Rob just stared at him blankly for a few moments before he began
laughing hysterically.

"I don't think I'm ever going to figure you out Josh Holt."

"Yeah, yeah." Josh said, waving his fork around, "now be a good host and
fix me my coffee" he smiled.

"You little shit" Rob grinned, as he got up to walk to the coffee maker.

"So why do you think the cops showed last night?" Josh said, attempting to
change the subject as quickly as possible to something less serious. It was
awkward, but hell the whole morning had been awkward.

"They must have got a call" Rob replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Who would do that though?"

"I'm not sure, but the property sits too far back from the road for a cop
to have spotted the bonfire as they were driving by. Maybe someone's
parents found out?" Rob said as Josh watched him stir the cream into the
coffee.

"Has that ever happened?"

"Kind of, we've had a few close calls but we always catch wind of it and
either postpone the match or move locations. Sam's got a whole team of
people, Jenn included, that are good about damage control. We haven't had
to shut down since I've been in it. But it's getting too big, too many
people come to watch, it's not like it used to be and something is bound to
happen." Josh felt like Rob was similiar to Jenn in the fact that he could
talk endlessly about the brawls. They were obviously special to him somehow
and Josh delved in deeper to understand why.

"so how long have you been in it?" Josh asked, hoping to find out a little
more about Rob Tilton.

"Since I was a freshman. I was picked up by the gold roster that first year
and I've been with them ever since."

"So thats what you all call your roster? The gold roster?" Josh asked, as
it was the first time he'd ever heard rosters refered to by any sort of
name other than so-and-so's roster.

"All of the rosters have colors. It's how the ring leaders keep up with
everything. We're gold, ya'll are black. Luke never told you any of this?"

"Luke only cares about beating me into shape." Josh said with a cringe as
he remembered he'd be training again tomorrow night. He became aware of the
soreness still present in his arms and legs from all of the intense body
weight exercises they had been focusing on. Luke was a devil of a trainer,
forcing each of the guys on the roster to do circuits of pushups, pullups,
box jumps, jumping jacks and an array of other mundane activites till they
were literally on the verge of colapse.

Rob let out a slight hmmm as he studied Josh's face. Josh could tell Rob
was starting to feel very relaxed and guessed that whatever booze was in
his glass was not his first round. "You and Luke were on the same roster
weren't you?" Josh said, hoping to keep Rob talking.

"Once upon a time." Rob replied, his eyes begining to sink slightly.

"Why did he leave?"

"I don't even remember..." Rob said after a lengthy pause, "ask him."

"Luke and me... We're... not really friends."

"Are we?" Rob said, very seriously.

"Ok asshole." Josh said, grabbing his plate and making his way to stand. He
felt a hand on his wrist as his butt lifted off the seat.

"I'd like to be" Rob said, "This might have been a mistake but I don't
regret it. I felt... well I had a good time. I think you did too. Can
we... can we just pretend that you came over, we went for a swim, made up
for all the stupid shit that happened at the first of the semester and then
went to bed?" Josh couldn't believe what he was hearing. But what else did
he expect? 'I don't want to be your buddy' echoed in his ear. Had he really
believed those words last night? How could he have been so stupid?

"And about you wanting to touch me every time you see me?" Josh said,
unable to catch himself before the words left his lips.

"I'll.. I'll deal with it." Rob said, removing his hand from Josh's wrist.

"Looks like I'll have an advantage then."

"When?"

"When we brawl..."

Rob snorted slightly, "I don't ever want to fight you again." Again Josh's
chest swelled as he sat back down.

"So... your freshman year. That would have been around..." Josh trailed
off, hoping Rob would pick up for him, but he didn't. "Around the same time
your dad passed?" Josh continued, hoping he wasn't entering into too
guarded territory.

He hesistated for a long time before responding, so much so that Josh was
beginning to regret bringing it up, but after a while he spoke up. "It was
a few months after he died. I was really angry, not at anything in
particular, just angry at everything. I felt like there was this hole
inside me and I cried over everything. The things that had meant so much to
me like football, wrestling, swimming, even hunting and fishing - they were
all things he and I had done together. He was gone a lot, stuff came up all
the time, but he never missed a match or a trip we planned." Rob looked
away and stared at the barely touched food on his plate as he
continued. "Everything just got reduced to an empty seat. One he was
supposed to be sitting in."

Josh just looked at him unsure of what to say. Rob was so difficult to
read, his expression blank as he seemed lost in thought. Josh wanted to
reach out and touch him, tell him it would be alright, but he knew Rob
would only recoil at such an action. He didn't let people in, even Josh
knew that much despite only knowing him a short while.

"So I went to recruitment night." Rob went on, "it was just a few cars
parked in a circle behind the Walmart back then. I don't even know why I
was drawn to it. No one from Rockshire was even involved back then except
for a few of the rough kids. I guess... I guess I just wanted to feel
something other than empty. Even if that something was just my face against
pavement. Which happened, it was more real back then than it is today" he
chuckled. "It was the first thing I found that didn't remind me of him
because I know he wouldn't approve of it. Which I guess is pretty fucked
up... like I'm rebelling against him or something when he's not even here."
He finally looked up from the plate to look at Josh. His eyes were almost
glazed which Josh thought strange since he hadn't taken a sip of his drink
in quite a while yet he seemed to be getting more drunk.

"You said its fucked up but I get it." Josh said, unsure of where he was
going with his train of thought. "The rebelling against someone not there
part." He struggled with what to say next. He didn't want to tell the
truth. He hated it too much and saying it made it real. So he stuck with
his regular story. His regular tale caught somewhere between the truth and
a lie. "My father walked out on us when I was really young. I always felt
like there was something missing and that eventually gave way to me hating
his guts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I don't think its
fucked up to have feelings about someone not there."

They sat in silence. Neither of them exaclty sure what to say next.

"Well... it looks like we've both got a lot of baggage." Rob finally said.

"Looks that way." Josh replied.

"Where do we go from here Josh?" Rob almost whispered.

Josh had no idea how to answer. He was tempted to give Rob a dose of his
own medicine by saying 'what do you want me to say?' But just before he
could his phone began ringing.

"Hey mom." Josh said as he picked up the phone.

"Hey sweetheart, I'm outside. This place is gorgeous! Oh my god it's
incredible." She said in a bewildered tone.

"I'll be out in two shakes just need to get my stuff together." And by
stuff he meant that he still hadn't asked Rob if he could borrow a t-shirt
since he had abandoned his shirt the night before when the brawl got
raided.

"Alright baby, take your time!" She said hanging up.

"Well I guess this is bye Rob" Josh said, rising from the table, "I hate to
eat and leave you with the dishes but I'm sure you'll manage" He continued
with a smile.

"You still never answered me about being friends" Rob said, catching Josh's
arm as he made his way to pass him. Josh stood still, rigid as he processed
the question, he had avoided it for a reason.

"The answer is no..." Josh said with a sigh, "I don't want to be just
friends with you Rob. Like you said this shouldn't have happened. We'll
pretend it didn't. I think that would be best."

"So you're back to hating me." Rob said with his usual defenses.

"I never hated you... we're just on different sides I guess." Josh said,
shrugging his shoulder.

"Different sides? So it's just a game."

"Jesus, are you always so serious?" Josh said laughing, "just promise me
something... no matter what happens, just, smile more. ok?"

Rob shot him a confused look before nodding bringing a huge grin to Josh's
face. "Now give me your shirt unless you'd like for me to explain to mom
why I'm shirtless." He said.

"Let me run and go get you one" Rob said, standing from the table almost
losing his balance.

"No time just give me that one" Josh said, pointing at Rob's chest.

Rob looked skeptical at first but eventually shrugged his shoulders and
removed the shirt. The act had Josh feeling short of breath but he quickly
brushed it off as he slipped the shirt on over his head. It was a snug fit
but not uncomfortable, incredibly soft and still very warm from Rob's body
heat. It made Josh feel extremely sexy wearing it.

"See you Monday I guess?" Josh said, feeling the awkwardness creep in, his
hands reaching to the back of his head.

"See you then." Rob said, picking up the plates and moving towards the
sink. He knew that Rob was upset with his answer but he couldn't lie to
him. He really had no desire to be friends. But it was strange, Josh
thought, as he made his way through the front door. A night like he just
had, a deep conversation that bordered on a heart to heart, ending with a
'see you then' as if all they'd done had just been hanging out for the
morning. What if he had said yes... could they be friends? Could it turn
into more?

He shrugged off the thought as he entered his mothers car.

"You have a good time sweetheart?" His mothers bright eyes met his own,
calming him immediately.

"Yeah mom I did"

"I'm so glad you are making friends! I was so worried about you when we
moved here." She said, putting the car in drive as the spun around toward
the gate to make their exit.

"Yeah mom..." he wrapped his arms about his chest soaking in the t-shirt,
its warmth, its smell and the way it was just a tad bit too small for him.
"That Robert Tilton is an odd one though."