Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2011 11:41:53 -0400
From: Ty McConkey <messenger_of_memory@hotmail.com>
Subject: Broken ch 4

He stood over the lifeless grave, he had lost him. Allen was gone. Tears
flowed down Matt's face. He had waited too long; he had lost his one and
only chance to express how he felt to Allen.

"Allen I never got the chance to tell you ..." he started really sobbing.
"I love you" he finally managed to get out between sobs.

"What ?! What did you just say!" a voice yelled behind him.

"You're a no good faggot aren't you. A pathetic waste." the voice said.

Matt spun around to identify the voice of pure hate. He stood there
completely shocked. Standing before him, was a lie. It couldn't be true, it
was impossible.

"You're not real, you're dead" Matt said.

A vile smile grew across Allen's face. He took a step closer to Matt.

"You killed me Matt, it's your fault I'm dead. Now I've come for you. You
let me die, how could you?" Allen asked.

Allen took another step towards him. Matt couldn't move. His body
refused. He looked around trying to see if there was someone who could
help.

Slowly as he turned his head, people were appearing out of the
shadows. They formed a complete ring around Allen and Matt.

He recognized each and every person, all of them were family and
friends. They started chanting something. Listening closely, Matt realized
what they were saying.

"It's your fault Matt. You killed him."

He was quickly snapped out of his daze. Standing right in front of him was
Allen.

***    ***    ***    ***

It had been over a week now and Allen still hadn't shown up for school and
every time Matt popped over to his place, he was asleep. He was becoming
worried, something was wrong. He continued to have that nightmare. Waking
up screaming each time, his parents were really worried.

He didn't know what to do, things were changing and he wasn't sure if it
was for the good or the bad. He wished he could help Allen but he couldn't
even help himself.

Allen wasn't the only one changing, so was he. He had gotten tired of
fighting it. He had realized that there was nothing he could do to fix
it. He was actually accepting it. It wasn't his fault.

What worried him was if he was the cause of the pain Allen was
experiencing. Had he found out about Matt? Did he hate him now? Only Allen
had the answers to those questions but he didn't know how to ask them. What
if he was wrong and Allen didn't know he'd be revealing something that
potentially kills their friendship. But by not telling Allen he wasn't
helping the situation either.

He felt like hitting his head off a wall, he didn't know what to do. On one
hand he could tell Allen and potentially lose him as a friend or he could
not tell him and lose him. Either way he would potentially lose Allen as a
friend but the difference was one way he was being honest or on the other
he was allowing Allen to harm himself.

He would have to do what was right not just for himself but for Allen. He
got up from where he had been sitting. He had locked himself away in his
room away from everyone, every prying eye.  He couldn't take the look his
brother had been giving him lately. He knew, Matt could see it in his eyes.

He still needed to talk to his brother about it but he was afraid, Eric
hadn't said anything yet but that didn't mean he wouldn't. He didn't know
what to say, that he was sorry? He had as much control over it as his
brother, hell even Allen.

He walked toward his bedroom door and unlocked it; he walked out into the
hall. Down the stairs to the front door, he hadn't run into one person at
all which surprised him.

Opened the door and walked out, heading for Allen's house. It was past
time.

***    ***    ***   ***    ***

Eric watched his brother walk down the street in the direction of Allen's
house. Eric sat looking out his bedroom window. he was worried for Matt, he
was going through something really hard and was afraid to ask for help,
Eric was kind of hurt that Matt couldn't trust him enough to let him help,
but understood it was a hard path to follow even in today's society.

But he could understand somewhat. as close as they were to one another,
this situation, this problem was being blown out of proportion. Most people
wouldn't understand, they like being ignorant to the world around them. he
didn't understand why he understood so well, he just did and he was
thankful for it.

His mother and father always reminded them growing up that friends may come
and go, but family was always there to stay. Blood was thicker than
water. Eric took that to heart, nothing would ever make him hate his
brother and he hoped it was the same for Matt. Matt was and always would be
his pillar of strength, Matt may not see it but he looked up to him and for
many years wanted to be exactly like him.

When Matt and Allen first met, at the beginning he had been jealous, that
Matt liked to spend more time with Allen even more than spending time with
him. but he soon learned that he had to share, Allen deserved a friend too
and who better than his older brother. they got along great, Matt would
still set aside time for him and then time for Allen but it was the best
when all three were together.

Growing up they did all kinds of funny and crazy things, pranks on the
neighbours like pretending that Eric had fell off his bike too hard or
putting a pound of butter on a chair and watching someone sit in and be
chased by Star, the family dog.

Those times were over now, people grew up and family pets passed away. Only
memories remained, things like that don't change because of one little
detail. Just people's opinions changed, a big difference. who someone is
and what someone wants them to be were like the sun and the moon.

***   ***   ***    ***   ***    ***

He had thought about it often but he could never find the courage to just
do it, he could get the cold steel to kiss his skin but willpower would
fail after the touch, he wanted it to end. All it took was just one quick
slice, Allen knew that but he just couldn't do it.

He hadn't been to school since .... since ... that night. He couldn't face
him or anyone for that Matter. Their eyes could dig deeper than any
blade. All wanting answers, answers he couldn't give.  some of them, Matt
for sure, would be able to see right through him. He didn't want anyone
seeing him in a different light, too painful.

He was back in the shower again, just staring at the blade and how close it
was to his skin. wouldn't even take a second and it could be over, all of
it but every time he'd see Matt's face and tears would surely follow. This
time though it was different, he was staring so hard at the blade he didn't
notice the shadow in the doorway of the bathroom. He could do it this time
he knew it.

Just one slice that's all he needed to make. He prepared himself for the
pain, he was ready. Pain shot through his arm but it was the wrong one, for
about a second or two he was confused. He hadn't cut himself rather a
strong arm held his arm, or for that Matter the razor away from his body.

God had finally granted him enough courage to finally go through with it
why would God guide someone to intervene? Was this some cruel and funny
joke to God? Was God standing above watching this? Was there a God in this
insane bubble he lived in. If there was he was having a hard time
believing.

He finally looked at the intruder, saying he was shocked was an
understatement. He didn't want anyone to witness this let alone HIM. Seeing
him with that look on his face really tugged at his heart. Now was when the
regret set in, he had tried numerous times but this was the first time that
he really regretted even thinking of harming himself. He never thought how
it'd affect the people around him.

He didn't fully realize that he had caring people around him. It was sad
but he had forgotten love and that he was loved by others. Looking into
Matt's eyes reminded him all too well. He had succeeded cutting himself far
deeper than he could have imagined with a knife.

He couldn't find the words to change the look that was frozen on Matt's
face. it was burned into his eyes forever. He had mixed feelings, partly
angry that Matt would intrude on him, another part of himself was ashamed
to be caught but the strongest feeling was of deep sadness. He had hurt the
one person that meant the most to him. There might not be a way to fix what
he had done now.

He hadn't noticed what was going on, being wrapped in the thoughts that
were swirling around in his head. Matt had taken the blade out of his hand,
wrapped a towel around his naked body and placed his arms around Allen to
try to comfort him. For once he felt safe, for the first time in ages he
felt himself relax, letting all his worries melt away. There was time later
for worries, as for right now he had to face Matt.

****

He had waited up all night waiting for his brother to come home, only in
the middle of the early morning did he finally give up. Matt had worried
not just him but their parents also. They probably thought it was drugs or
something worse.

Matt didn't know that he knew but a fool could notice if they looked hard
enough. The fire burning in their eyes for one another. he was tempted to
bang their heads together. he wanted them to be happy, nothing wrong with
that.

He woke from a knock on his bedroom door. it felt like he'd just fell
asleep. he shot a quick glance at his alarm clock. there in red, six
am. 'as in the morning, GOD!'

"Yes" he called.

The door opened, and his mother came in.

"Hun do you know where your brother is?" she asked

'Shit he really didn't come home last night' he thought "he went over to
Allen's last night to talk probably ended up sleeping over" he told her.

"Oh ok thanks, go back to sleep Hun I'm off to work. Don't forget to do
your chores. Love you"

He gave a quick love you back and was quickly in a comfortable spot. Sleep
came soon enough again.

******  	******		******

 He sat across the room watching the sleeping form. Allen was asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow. Matt was worried for him, he didn't think,
more like couldn't think of what would have happened if he'd been even a
few seconds later than he was or what if he'd changed his mind instead of
coming in.

He didn't want to, wished he could forget all about it but the image was
burned forever into his mind. he didn't know what to do, he was scared of
doing the wrong thing. He didn't want to lose him, he was nothing without
him.

The sunlight was streaming through the bedroom window.

'Morning already, time flies when you worry' he thought.

Allen needed his help and knew that but first he had to convince Allen that
he needed it. he got out of the chair and walked over and sat on the edge
of the bed closest to Allen. He placed his hand softly on Allen's shoulder
and shook lightly, trying to wake him.

The peaceful look that Allen had been wearing while he slept, disappeared
as soon as his eyes started opening. It was replaced with a sad and painful
look.

"I think it's time to talk buddy, I can't help if you don't let me" Matt
said.

"I don't know if it's something you can fix, I'm broken and I'm scared I
don't know if I can be fixed." Allen replied.

Seeing the pain in Allen's eyes, hearing the doubt in his voice, feeling
how rigid his body was, was like having an dagger plunged into his
heart. it seemed with each word or look that an invisible hand was twisting
the imaginary blade.

"Please Allen let me try, let me help you. Please." Matt asked.

Allen sat up and slid his legs over the edge of the bed so that he and Matt
were shoulder to shoulder.

"You wouldn't understand even if I did tell you, which I'm not. I don't
want to lose you." Allen stood up "So forget all about last night" Allen
said

Allen started to walk away but Matt grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

"Try me" Matt demanded. "If you consider me your friend you will. Please
Allen, I'm not going to for-"

 The next thing he knew Allen's lips were pressed against his, shocked but
without giving it another thought he started to kiss him back. A few
breathless seconds passed, finally Allen ended the kiss.

"I'm so-"Allen tried to say but Matt never gave him a chance. Matt attacked
Allen's lips for a second helping of those delicious heavenly pieces of
flesh. they finally came up for air.

"Don't, everything will be fine. I promise" Matt said.

Even if Allen wanted to say something, he couldn't, his brain stopped
working after that last kiss. he couldn't believe what was happening. He
really wanted to believe Matt, but he was scared and he was really afraid
that this was just a dream. Even if this wasn't a dream he still was the
broken person from last night. It wouldn`t be long before this came
crashing down.

"Stop" Matt said.

He pulled Allen into his arms and just held him, afraid to let go. he could
see the pain and worry that was painted on Allen's face.

"We're in this together" Matt said. "I love you Allen"

"Matt, that means a lot to me. I love you too, I am truly so-"

"-- shhh it's in the past, forget it Allen."

*** **** *** ****

He didn't really know what to feel, he was actually happy beyond belief but
there was just a nagging feeling in the back of his mind something was
going to destroy this newfound happiness. He had him where he wanted him,
scared and pitiful.

There was only one person that could ruin everything he'd had accomplished
so far. He'd have to deal with him sooner than he had thought. He wanted
Allen all to himself, there was no room to share. Especially with someone
like Matthew Breton. He`d kill Allen before he`d share his toy.

Soon everything would be his, soon.

*** *** ***

  Her son was going through something she wished she could help him with
but knew she was the last person he'd look for help from.

She suspected back in elementary school that Matt was gay, but she never
discussed it with anyone. it had overwhelmed her then but by researching
it, she had come to understand it more. One did not wake up one morning and
say to themselves I'm going to be gay, I need the harassment and hate
because I get too much love already. It was genetic, like being left
handed.

It scared her, not knowing what she would have done if she hadn't been
directed to pflag. She was still worried about Roger, her husband and his
reaction. She was afraid to even bring up the subject to him. It wasn't
like he was homophobic, they both had a few gay friends but a friend was a
little different than having a gay son.

The last week had been painful, listening to her little Matthew wake up
screaming throughout the night. There was nothing she could do but lay
there and listen. It was hard to watch her son lock himself away, afraid to
be himself. But he had to come to her, he'd be like a rabbit caught in a
trap if she approached him.

She knew he'd come out in his own time but that thought didn't make what
happening any easier to digest. She just wanted to take him into her arms
and whisper that everything would okay, but that was a promise she couldn't
make. Especially Matt, he was on a rough path, one she could only support
the best she could. As long as her Matt was happy she would be happy. She
would try her best to accept whomever that came into her son's life.

She hoped that when Allen found out, he too would grow to accept Matt. Matt
needed Allen, he had become a support for Matt. Maybe the current problem
with Matt was to do with Allen, maybe her hopes hadn't come true.

She couldn't interfere even if she had wanted to, it was Matt's life to
live not hers. She could only be the support he needed. A mother's job was
to worry for her children but it was also their job to realize when to cut
the apron strings and give them the space they deserved, painful but worth
it in the end.

I t was a long day at work, worrying about Matt and even Allen. Allen was
like another son to her. His parents were never around, she tried to ask
them why once when they were back on one of their rare visits. They
informed her that it was none of her concern, she should be more worried
about what their son may do to hers.

She made it home and was greeted by Roger. She seemed to be the only one
worried about Matt, Roger sure didn't seem to be. He kissed her on the
cheek and welcomed her home.

"Thanks hunny, I needed that" she told him.

She left him in the living room and went into the kitchen to prepare
supper. She needed something to do to get her mind off Matt. Before she
knew it everything was cooked and ready to serve, only one thing was
missing, Matt.