Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2013 13:01:18 -0500
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: Choices Chapter 2-A

CHOICES

CHAPTER 2, Version A
(You chose: Steve will remain a virgin)

By the middle of Steve's sophomore year he had become
accustomed to the culture that was alien to that of his formative
years living on a farm in Utah.   His comfort level allowed his
basic nature to re-emerge and the fantasies of intimate contact
with a man to gradually return—usually as he showered or
wearily fell into bed for a night's sleep.  Circumstances
permitting, the fantasies led to masturbation.   Because of the
values that had been ingrained into him—not the least of which
was the depravity of what was euphemistically called self-
abuse—the thrill of his climax was followed by regret and self-
castigation.

Still, the fantasies returned regularly.  In spite of recurrent
promises to himself to refrain from what he still believed to be
an immoral act, he routinely broke the promise when the urge to
masturbate overcame his resolve.  He tried to console himself
with the rationale that masturbation was not nearly as sinful as
homosexual contact with another man.  He compared the
situations to the difference between privately hating someone
and maliciously slandering him; it was the difference between a
victimless transgression and harming another person.  In
moments of mental clarity he recognized that he was deluding
himself and that a sin is a sin.  But, he ruefully acknowledged,
the sensual rewards of masturbation were worth the risk of mild
(he hoped) punishment for a trivial transgression.  That process
of rationalization freed him to more fully enjoy the electric
sensations of orgasm.  Significantly, his thinking evolved into
considering yielding to his desire to share pleasures of the flesh
with another man.  But he promptly dismissed the idea because
it seemed impossible to find another student with similar
cravings.  Therefore, he concluded, the road he had chosen
offered no chance for the pleasures he yearned for.  Moreover,
the other road was sure to be full of malevolent people sneering
epithets like Queer! Fag! Homo! Sinner!  In addition to the
persecution, yielding to his abnormal desires would lead him far
from family and his faith.

But his faith was increasingly fragile.  While attending college in
New York City Steve was exposed to a wide variety of value
systems, life styles, and religious beliefs.  He tried to reconcile
what he had been taught by his family and his church with the
astonishing diversity in religious principles and practices.  Was
there but one "true" religion?  Was the one he followed any
better than others?  Was there one God or several as the
ancient Egyptians, Romans, and Norse believed?  It would take
a long time but Steve gradually migrated from devout Christian
toward agnosticism when he couldn't answer the question: Did
God create man or did man create God(s)?  The growing doubt
about a Creator and suspicion about the validity of religious
dogma—including that of his own church—was a source of
considerable distress.  While his doubts seemed to undermine
the legitimacy of a prohibition on homosexuality, there remained
the overwhelming condemnation of the practice in current,
secular society.  The inescapable conclusion was that his
homosexual thoughts must never be acted upon or he would
pay a terrible price: estrangement from his family and jeopardy
to his career.

<><><><><>

It was Christmas in 1958.  Steve took a Greyhound bus across
country to visit his family between semesters of his junior year.
To pay for the trip, he worked in a department store in a small
town ten miles from his parents' farm.  There he met Linda, an
attractive, vivacious high school senior and immediately liked
her.  As well as liking Steve, she was awed by meeting a
college frat boy from back east.  Although he had dated only
twice in high school and once in college (not enjoying the dates
but hoping to burnish his image as a "normal" young man), he
asked Linda out for New Year's Eve.  He was surprised that she
didn't already have a date and accepted.  If nothing else, Steve
thought, going out on a date would reassure his parents and
friends that he was "normal."  Chances were that he would not
see Linda again.

He was wrong.  Occasional letters—all very "newsy"—over the
next few months seemed to deepen the bond of friendship.  It
was inevitable, therefore, that the two young friends would see
each other frequently through the following summer.

A second life-changing decision confronted Steve that summer
but he failed to recognize its significance at the time.  Driven by
dual forces of hormones and a compelling need to extinguish
his shameful homosexuality, he made a choice.   The result was
a pregnancy and, because abortion was abhorrent in the
community, marriage.

Steve was one of only three in the entire college student body of
two thousand who was married and in April became the only
father.  Although it was difficult to support a family while paying
school expenses, Steve consoled himself that he had finally
overcome his "unnatural" yearnings.  But the road was an
arduous one.  His parents' distress over his premarital sex
combined pain and anger.  It was not as devastating to them as
it would have been if they learned he was homosexual but it
was nevertheless traumatic.  He had alienated his family and
violated his religion's standards.

The road he had inadvisably taken by having unprotected sex
was not without its pleasures.  Heterosexual intercourse was
surprisingly gratifying.  He achieved his goal of a college
degree.  He enjoyed his roles of husband and father.  Also on
the plus side of the ledger was a growing conviction that he had
conquered his "deviant" homosexuality.

<><><><><>

Five years and two more children later, Steve was a casualty of
another's decision: divorce.

He lived alone for a year and a half except on weekends when
he delighted in the company of his three young children.

Often during the lonely weekdays, Steve's thoughts reverted to
his attraction to men.  He reasoned that during the week he had
an opportunity to satisfy his need.  But a trio of forces kept him
on the road of total abstinence and concealing his reawakened
urges.  Foremost was the potent need to retain the respect and
love of his still impressionable children.  Respect of his
colleagues at work was also influential.  Finally, there was the
massive problem of finding another man with similar interests.
No doubt they were out there but they were all concealing their
sexuality for similar reasons.  He couldn't know who they were
any more than they could know what he wanted.

Reconciliation with and re-marriage to Linda united the family.  It
was Linda who persuaded Steve to agree to the marriage.  He
agreed in spite of speculating, without convincing evidence, that
the divorce was due to her infatuation with another man but the
new relationship soon soured.  The compelling reason was that
he welcomed the chance to be a full-time father and provide his
children with a more stable home life.  In addition, he would be
able to have sexual partner other than his fist.  For a long time
in a loveless but cordial marriage, the frequent gratification of
his carnal needs reduced his homoerotic fantasies.  But they still
haunted him from time to time.

<><><><><>

His children grew up and moved out.  The empty nest could
have been a welcome relief and it was ... except for the gradual
diminishing of conjugal coupling that led to separate bedrooms.
Sex became no more than a memory and the homoerotic
fantasies resurfaced.  Still, for family and career reasons, he
maintained the façade of a straight, respectable citizen.  Many
years later, public opinion would become more accepting of
gays but Steve was living in an environment that was
exceptionally toxic for homosexuals.

Frequent business trips left Steve in a hotel room evenings and
overnight for prolonged periods.  Alone with the television in his
room was not enjoyable.  He was never one to easily meet
strangers and socialize in a bar.  But the solitude of a hotel
room seemed to fuel his fantasies and he found relief by
masturbating.  Unlike when he was younger and controlled by
his religion's teaching, however, he never felt regret, guilt, or
shame in the erotic pleasure of masturbation.

On one trip to a foreign country, his client asked if he would like
company in the evenings.  Steve asked for clarification.  "You
know.  A beautiful young lady who knows how to entertain a
man," the executive said with a sly grin and a wink.  Steve
declined but later wondered whether he might have dared to ask
for a male companion.  No!  The risks of that would have been
much too great.

End of Chapter 2, Version A

___________________________________

Will Steve's fidelity to his marriage vows continue?
Or will he seek and find what he has always yearned for?
Now you, the reader, must make a choice.
How do you want the story to end?

If you think Steve will remain in the closet
and take comfort in his family and a successful career
read Chapter 3-A-1

If you think Steve will find the opportunity
and courage to engage in sex with a man
read Chapter 3-A-2
___________________________________