Date: Mon, 15 Nov 2004 09:18:48 -0800 (PST)
From: Cody mathews <codyjmathews@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Courage To Be Me 11n

DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual
activities between teenage boys. If you are not over 18 years of age, or
if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is
illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read
it, then please enjoy.

Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams
I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments
from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits
from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you
are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will
try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy.

People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret.

Please check out charlie's home site
http://www.geocities.com/charlie_anderson99/

And please feel free to email me at courage_2_b_me@yahoo.com

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The Courage To Be Me!



"Angel, it's not funny, stop laughing!" She was laughing so hard I think
she fell off her bed as it went quiet for a moment then I heard her
saying 'ouch' and then she began to laugh again.

"Char... Oh, my god, Charlie, you faked it with him! Why? Didn't you want
to cum?"

"It's not that easy! I wanted to but I was too nervous and next thing I
knew he was cumming and I wasn't and I didn't want him to make fun so I
faked it."

"But, Charlie, not everyone cums at the same time, he would have
understood."

"I know that now, but I didn't at the time, did I?"

"So, what are you going to do about it ? Do you think you'll tell
Loxley?"

"Yeah, sure, next time I see him I'll walk right up to him, kiss him and
say, 'Look Loxley, you know yesterday when you humped me? Well, I faked
it, I didn't actually cum. You're ok with that aren't you?"

"Charlie, you can't say that!"

"I know that! Well!? What else am I going to say? No matter how I put it
I'm going to come off looking like a fool."

At that point suddenly I heard my mum outside on the landing.


"Neil, what are you doing outside Charlie's door?"

"Nothing!"

Shit! had he been listening to me? "Look, Angel, I have to go, I think
Neil's been outside my door listening, I'll call you back later, ok?"

"Sure, Charlie, take care babe!" she hung up.

My door flung open and there stood Neil with this stupid look on his
face.


"I knew you were a fag and now I have the proof!"

"What are you talking about?" I walked up to Neil.

"I heard you on the phone just then, talking to your little pretend
girlfriend, you think you have everyone fooled, well, just you wait!"

"Neil, you don't know shit, now shut up and get out of my room!" I yelled
back.

"What's going on in here? why are you two fighting?" Damn! Mum must have
still been upstairs and heard us yelling.

"Oh nothing, just Charlie's been lying to you, and I found out," Neil
said with a smug grin across his face. I knew I was in for it - he loved
to get me into trouble.

"What! Charlie, what's he talking about?" mum turned her attention to me.

"Nothing, he's just trying to get me into trouble," I replied, hoping she
would just let it drop and walk away.

"Oh, really! Is that right?! Try telling mum the truth about Angel!"

"What about Angel?" said mum looking confused.

"Nothing... well... we're not dating anymore," I shot Neil a look hoping
it told him to shut up.

"Oh, right," said mum.

"Yeah, but tell her why, go on tell her why you're not dating her
anymore!"

"Neil, just stay out of it!" I said looking right at him.

"The real reason why Charlie's not dating Angel is because she's the
wrong sex, isn't that right Charlie?" His eyes closed slightly and he
just glared at me.

"What on earth are you talking about Neil?" said mum.

"Charlie doesn't like girls, do you, Charlie?" he began to smile. I knew
this was it, no turning back, even if I got him to stop, mum would soon
put together what he had just said and figure it out.

"Neil, what do you mean he doesn't like girls, he just broke up with
Angel, she's a girl."

"But they weren't dating, it was a cover up, 'cos Charlie's a
butt-fucker!" That did it, I jolted forward and shoved Neil.

"Shut up, asshole!" I shoved him hard enough that he stumbled backwards.

"Fuck off, you little homo!" he tried to move forward but mum stood in
front of him.

"Stop it, both of you!" she didn't look happy.

"The faggot started it!"

"No I didn't, and don't call me that!"

"Why not?! It's what you are!"

"Neil, you're such a fucking asshole!"

"Shut up, queer!"

"WILL YOU BOTH STOP IT!!!" mum yelled at the top of her voice. It made
both of us jump. I just stood there looking at her, she flicked her eyes
from Neil to me.

"Mum, look, I can explain."

"Charlie, what is going on here?"

"Neil's just making up stuff, just ignore him."

"If I'm making it up why did I just hear you telling Angel about you and
your new butt-fucking friend?"

"How much did you hear?" I had completely forgotten mum was standing
there - I became more interested in the fact that he had heard me.

"All of it! He fucked you yesterday and you faked it!"

"He didn't fuck me!"

"Ah, but you did fake it."

"Neil, what I do with Loxley is none for your business..." as the words
left my lips I knew I had fucked up big time. In those few words I had
confirmed that - one, I was gay and, two, I had done something with a
guy. I looked towards mum and saw the look of recognition in her eyes.
What I had said had just sunk in and she looked at me.

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"You're... are you g.... ? Charlie, tell me you're not!"

"Mum, please, let me explain!" I don't know what I was thinking I wanted
to explain, but still I didn't want her mad at me.

"Charlie, are you gay?"

"Mum... look I... well... mum, please, don't get mad!"

"Does that mean yes?"

"I think so," I whispered shyly.

"What do you mean you think so? You're either a fag or you're not, and
you're a fag!" Neil stood there smiling.


"Neil go to your room, NOW!" Neil sniggered at me as he walked to his
bedroom making sure to give me one last look as he closed the door.


"I think you and me had better have a little talk, don't you?"

"Ok." With that I followed my mum down the stairs and into the living
room, she sat down on the sofa and beckoned me to do the same. I was
shaking, I wasn't sure what she was going to say or do. All I could think
was that I wished Joe was here, he would know what to say.

"Charlie, you're just fifteen, what do you possibly know about being
gay?"

"Just as much as the next gay person."

"Are you having sex with guys?"

"Mum, you can't ask me that?"

"Oh, yes, I can, Charlie, I am your mother."

"So, you ask Neil and David if they are having sex with girls?"

"That's different."

"Why's it different?"

"Because what your brothers do with their girlfriends is normal, and what
you're doing with other guys isn't."

"Why isn't it normal? It feels normal to me!"

"Charlie, you're just fifteen, you shouldn't be getting mixed up in stuff
like this, you should be out dating girls and having fun!"

"I am having fun,... It's just not with girls!"

"So, you're telling me you have been with guys?"

"I might have."

"HAVE YOU?"

"I have had some experiences."

"With this guy at school that Neil just said?"

"Him... and others."

"What others?"

"Just guys!"

"What guys?! Where did you meet them?"

"At a club."

"What club?"

"Does it really matter?! I'm gay and I have been with guys. Mum, I'm gay
and I know it !"

"Charlie, you don't have a clue, you're just a boy!"

"I'M NOT A BOY!!" I yelled back At that point the door opened and in
walked my dad! The shit was really going to hit the fan! Suddenly I found
my stomach in my throat. I was what my dad despised and he was just about
to find out!

"What the hell is going on in here?"

"Nothing, dear, it's ok, we are just talking."

"Didn't sound like talking to me!" He turned to me, " Charlie, why are
you yelling at your mother?"

"Charlie's a fag!" yelled Neil from over my dad's shoulder, " he's got a
boyfriend and has been fucking him!" He must have heard dad come home and
followed him to the living room, waiting to start more trouble.

"Don't be stupid, Charlie's not a fag."

"Yes, I am ... only I'm not a fag ... I'm gay!"

"Don't be fucking stupid boy!"

"I'm not dad,... I'm gay,... I like guys!" Now, all the while this was
going on he sort of had this unbelieving grin across his face; now, the
minute I said I liked guys, the grin disappeared and was replaced with a
look of disgust.

I had surprised myself! Exactly where that defiance came from, I cannot
explain. Something within me had, perhaps, been preparing for this
moment, knowing that it had to come sometime. I was fully aware of what
my dad's attitude would be and from the moment that I had felt myself to
be gay I had lived in fear of his reaction if he found out.

When I look back at my first visit to the club, my friendship with Joe,
who I loved dearly, and, now, my growing feelings for Loxley - all these
were attempts to be myself, to allow myself to be who I was, and am, to
assert my right to be, even in the face of the disapproval of my dad. I
had rights!

I was not harming anyone by being myself, in fact, my sexual feelings
were good - all I wanted was to love and be loved - what could be wrong
with that? I could understand that it might be difficult for any parent
to accept their son being gay when all their expectations and hopes might
be based on different assumptions - but in the end, I couldn't live in
this world trying to please my dad or my mum or anyone else by
pretending! I had to have the courage to be me!


"You're telling me your a fag? One of my sons is a fag?"

"NO, I'M GAY, I'M NOT A FAG!" I was expecting what was to come next but
for some reason it caught me off guard as the back of his hand came in
contact with my face and I went flying to the ground

"Shut up! Don't you dare raise your voice to me, you little...!!!"

"You little fag? Is that what you were going to call me?" I could feel
that little tingle you get in your nose just as the tears form in your
eyes - but for once I was determined to stand up to my dad. I wasn't
going to cry or to let him make me cry. I brushed myself off as I got to
my feet and waited for the next comment to be made.

"Fuck off out of my sight! I don't want to look at you right now!"

"Don't worry, I'm going." He kept his gaze on me as I passed by to leave
the living room. I steeled myself in case he hit out when I had my back
turned to him again, he'd been known to do it.

I grabbed my jacket off the coat rack, grasped my keys and let the door
slam loudly as I left the house and headed off to the one place I knew
someone would understand what had just happened.

I had tried so hard to keep the tears from falling but as I knocked at
Joe's door the reality hit me. I had just been outted to my parents in
the worst way possible and they hated me so much! What was I going to do
now?!

"Hey, Charlie Bear...... Oh, my god, what's wrong?"

Those caring words from Joe were enough to make my pain unbearable and I
couldn't hold it in any longer. I fell into his arms crying.

*******************************************************************************

Please check out charlie's home site
http://www.geocities.com/charlie_anderson99/

And please feel free to email me at courage_2_b_me@yahoo.com