Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2005 05:52:09 -0800 (PST)
From: Cody mathews <codyjmathews@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Courage To Be Me Chapter 12

DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual
activities between teenage boys, as well as between a teenage boy and
girl. If you are not over 18 years of age, or if you find this type of
story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then
please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read it, then please enjoy.

Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams
I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments
from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits
from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you
are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will
try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy.

People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret.

*******************************************************************************

Chapter 12

When I woke in the morning it took me a few moments to remember where I
was - and why. I pulled the sheet over my head and wished I could turn
back time. When I had been able to compose myself after I'd arrived at
Joe's I had told him almost everything - about faking it with Loxley, the
conversation with Angel, then Neil and my mum and, then, my dad - but I
left out the bit where he hit me.

Joe had been so understanding and comforting. He'd held me till I
stopped crying and shaking and kept telling me things were going to me
ok. We both knew it would have been stupid to have gone home at that time
so I had stayed at his place.

"Morning, Bear, how do you feel this morning?" Joe said from the
door-way to his living room.

"Umm, okay, I guess. You know, your sofa's really comfy when you think
about it, you kind of just sink into it," I replied looking out over the
top of the sheet. He gave a quick smile and then crossed the room and sat
down on the bottom of the sofa, squishing my feet beneath him.

When I had wriggled my feet free I sat up and started to think about my
next move.

"Do you want to call them and see how things are?" he placed his hand
on my thigh and gave it a squeeze. I knew he was right, I didn't want to
go walking in if they were still mad at me, but I couldn't hide away
forever (though I wanted to).

My family now knew about my secret life and it could never be undone,
though I was having one of those moments where you wish you hadn't done
something. For me, this moment started with me wishing I hadn't yelled
at my dad, that I hadn't told my mum and then.... if only I hadn't talked
to Angel! I stopped my head when I started to wish I hadn't done
anything with Loxley. I was glad I had been with him and done the things
I had done so why should I wish I hadn't just because of how it was
turning out? Now that we had done those small things together things
could only get better. I was now outted and we didn't have to hide it
away so much.

"Maybe I'll call them later, give them some more time to think." I
shifted on the sofa and cuddled up to Joe.

"Okay, but no time for lying around, get up and dressed, we are off out
this morning so hurry up, you only have ten minutes to get ready." He
stood up and walked out of the room.

"Going out? Where?" I yelled after him.

"You'll see... nine minutes left!" he called back.

I grabbed my clothes from the floor and climbed Joe's stairs to his
bathroom. After dropping my clothes to the floor I stood and looked at
myself in the mirror.

So this is what I look like when I have been outted. I'm now out and
trying to be proud. But I don't look any different. My hair was still a
golden blonde, my eyes were still a deep ocean blue and my body still the
same shape and skin tone as before. My physical appearance hadn't
changed but my life had in such a dramatic way. Things at home would
never be the same. When the tears started to form in the corner of my
eyes I blinked away the sadness and splashed cold water on my face.

"Keep your head up, Charlie, you're a grown man." I laughed at the
'man' part. Me - a man! Yeah, right. I didn't feel like it.

"Hurry up, Charlie, you now have two minutes left!" I heard Joe yell
from the bottom of the stairs. I pulled on my jeans, slipped my t-shirt
on over my head and gave myself one more look in the mirror - a quick
wink and a smile and I opened the door and walked to his bedroom. I used
his deodorant and then made my way down to the kitchen where he was
sitting.

"Where are we going?" I asked, grabbing a glass of orange juice and
sitting down next to him.

"No time for questions, come on out to the car," he stood up and walked
off taking his jacket and car keys with him. I put the glass down and
followed.

After about a twenty-minute car ride we turned into a quiet street and
pulled up outside a house.

"We're here," he announced pointing at the house.

"And where is here?"

"You'll see," Joe replied stepping out of the car and gesturing for me
to do the same, so I did. He locked the car as I joined him on his side.
While I was still looking around he took my hand and walked me up the
garden path and knocked on the front door, and we waited for someone to
answer.

The door opened and there stood a woman who I would describe as in many
respects the female older version of Joe. Her hair was dark like Joe's
but shoulder-length and curly; her eyes were a deep brown like Joe's; her
build was, shall we say, that of a middle-aged woman who liked her food.
But her smile was a mirror image of Joe's!

She stepped back giving us room to walk past her and into the warm house.

"You're late!" she looked at me, " and I see you brought a date!" she
leaned in towards him. "Bit young isn't he?"

"He's not my date, mum, this is Charlie Bear, I've told you about
him." Joe squeezed past, threw his jacket at the hook on the wall and
walked down the hall.

"So, you're Charlie Bear, nice to meet you," she said holding out her
hand and taking mine in it and grasping it firmly.

"Nice to meet you too^Å." I wasn't sure what to call her, do I call
her Joe's mum or Mrs Blake (Joe's last name)?

"And I can see my son forgot to tell you my name." She walked over and
picked up Joe's jacket - his aim wasn't very good, he had missed the
hook and it was now lying crumpled up on the floor. "My name's Mira,
sweetie," she smiled and walked off down the hall as Joe had done. I
followed, not knowing what else to do.

Joe was sitting at the large table that stood in the kitchen and he was
eating something sticky out of the bowl that was resting on his lap.

"Hey, gutsy, don't eat it all!" Mira said walking up behind him and
playfully slapping the back of his head.

"Charlie Bear, do you want some?" Joe asked passing the bowl over to
me.

"What is it?" I asked looking at the sticky, gooey brown stuff.

"Mum makes the best choc chip cookie dough!" he replied looking at me,
taking the bowl back and immediately transferring another big scoopful to
his mouth.

"And the cookies aren't too bad when they are cooked," she joked,
"but that's when Joe doesn't eat it all before I get to cook it." She
took the bowl from him and started to mix it again. I leaned over and
whispered in Joe's ear.

"You told your mum about me?" I asked.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Why not what?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing," he replied.

"So what's this rough time all about, sweetie?" she asked looking at
me.

"Charlie was outted to his family last night and his dad didn't take it
too well. He stayed with me last night and I think it's best he gives
them some time to calm down so I brought him here," Joe replied while
flicking through the cook book that lay open on the table.

"Wow, sweetie! you did that without even moving your lips!" Mira said
winking at me. I just smiled back. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I know that
must be hard to deal with at your age." She stopped mixing as she said
that and placed her hand on my shoulder giving it a squeeze. I smiled and
said thank you.

She left the room for a moment and I looked at Joe.

"Why did you bring me to your mum's?" I asked.

"She'll make you feel better about what's happened."

"How will she do that?"

"Charlie, she will help you through this, she knows what it's like from
the parents' point of view; she will be able to explain to you what
feelings your parents are going through."

"Okay. But I think you might have warned me first."

"Warned you about what?"

"That I was going to be meeting your mum!"

Joe started to laugh as Mira walked back in.

Mira talked a lot that morning. Some of the time it was about Joe and
those embarrassing things you wish no one would find out about. Things
like being caught by his mum jerking off to some hot guy in a mag, or
some guy on T.V., or having boyfriends in the bedroom and her walking in
on them. Occasionally, Joe would give up trying to stop her from talking
and he would leave the room and go talk with his dad.

When he left the conversation would adopt a more serious tone. Mira would
tell me how she felt when she knew Joe was gay and of how it changed a
lot of fantasy ideas she had about his future and his wife and kids. She
finished it off by telling me she soon realised Joe was still the same
person, still the little boy she gave birth too. Okay, she wouldn't have
a daughter-in-law with him and probably wouldn't have blood grandchildren
from him. ( She has this idea, now, that he will meet a guy and fall in
love and adopt kids one day, though Joe doesn't know this yet!) But Joe
was her son, she loved him as much today as she did the day he was born,
if not more. This did make me feel a little better.

As we were leaving, my mobile phone rang - it was Angel. My mum had
called her to see if she knew what was going on with me and if she knew
where I was. My mum had talked to Angel's mum and told her about me and
they were both trying to guess who my boyfriend might be and if I was
with him.

Angel's mum wasn't mad, as my mum was, she was just worried about me.

It seems she said she did rather like me!

Angel had said she didn't know where I was or who I was seeing. But she
had promised to call me and pass on a message to me. Why my own mum
hadn't called to see how and where I was, was beyond me - but that was
typical of her.

The message from my mum was asking me to stay away for a while, at least
another night or two, to let my dad get used to this new 'phase' - which
is the word Angel said my mum had used.

When I told Joe of the message he wasn't too pleased with them, but he
said that I could stay over for another night or two. As it was Sunday I
had school the next day so the plan was that he would drive me home in
the morning to collect my school things and then he would take me on to
school.

When we got to my house early the following morning, no one was home.

I got my bag for school and filled another with things I would need if I
were going to stay at Joe's for a few nights - clothes and stuff.

I jumped into the car and we headed off for school. When we arrived I saw
Angel waiting there for me.

"Will you be okay?" Joe asked as I began to get out of the car.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll walk back with Angel and then go to yours
afterwards, okay?"

I looked about to see who was around. All I wanted to see was Loxley so
that I could tell him what had happened.

As I was closing the car door I saw him walking out of the school
building. I saw him stop as he saw me; he looked at the car and obviously
saw Joe - then he turned to me with a puzzled _expression on his face.

"Queer!!" I heard some voice yell. I looked around and it was one of
Neil's friends!

He was pointing in my direction and laughing.

Joe had opened the car window and was leaning across the car seat looking
worried.

"Charlie, are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Yes, it's okay. Loxley's here, I just want to talk to him." I looked in
Loxley's direction while Joe's gaze followed mine - Loxley was still
standing there looking at us.

"Ooh, nice! very nice! I can see why you can't stop talking about him,"
Joe chuckled.

"See ya tonight, Charlie Bear," he whispered and he began to pull away. I
grabbed my school-bag, flung it over my shoulder and walked over to
Angel, not taking my eyes off Loxley for a second.

"Was that Joe sitting in the car?" Angel asked.

"Yep, that's Joe. I'm staying with him," I replied. My gaze continued to
be fixed on Loxley.

"He's not bad! Now...why was it you never got it on with him again?" she
asked, giggling.

"Was that your butt-fuckin boyfriend, then?" I turned to see Neil looking
in the direction of Joe's car as it moved away.

"Fuck off, Neil, you've done enough to me over this week-end!"

"So - he's the guy you faked it with!" he said it at the top of his
voice, turning around so that everyone could hear, trying to get an
audience.

Loxley had been walking towards me, but when he heard Neil shouting that,
he stopped in his tracks and just stood there.

"I said 'shut up'!" I shoved Neil out of my way and headed in Loxley's
direction. I

wasn't sure what the look on his face meant, but I knew that I just had
to talk to him.

"I'm glad to see you. I really need to speak to you," I said as I stopped
in front of him.

He just looked at me. Angel had walked alongside me and was now standing
on my left.

"What do you want, fag!" The words rolled off his tongue and shocked me
to the core!

"What!?" I couldn't believe my ears!

"What did you just say?"

"I said, what do you want, fag?!" I heard giggling behind me and I knew
from the sound that it was Neil.

I walked off and away from the crowd that had started to gather.

"What was that all about?" Angel asked as we stopped at the desk for
registration.

"I don't know - you tell me!" I replied, fighting back the prickly
sensation in my eyes and wishing that Joe was with me.

I was shocked at what Loxley had said...I was shocked that Loxley could
even say that! He was gay too!! Why would he act like Neil if he was just
the same as me?!

My first lesson passed quickly and I took care not to draw attention to
myself.

It was obvious what was going on, though - the giggling, the whispers,
the pointed fingers in the corridors.

On the way to my next lesson, some guy pushed me into the lockers. It
didn't bother me too much. One night at Joe's we had talked about the
kind of things that might happen if I was outted.

I was on the way to the toilets when, suddenly, someone grabbed me from
behind and pulled me into a cubicle.

When I turned around it was Loxley! I didn't really think before I spoke.

"Hey, am I glad to see you!" I leaned in to give him a kiss but he pulled
away.

"What's going on, Charlie? How does everyone know you're gay?"

"My brother heard me talking to Angel on the phone and he told my
parents and my dad went mental!"

"Who was that guy in the car this morning?"

"That's Joe." (Though it seems I tell Joe everything about Loxley I
have forgotten to tell Loxley a thing about Joe!)

"Oh right, so is he the one you faked it with or is that me?"

"What?!"

"Did you fake it with me or with Joe?" he asked looking into my eyes.

"I've never done anything with Joe!"

"So, it's me you faked with?"

"Who told you that?!"

"Your brother yelled it out for everyone to hear!"

"Loxley, forget my brother, he's a fuckwitt."

"Look... Charlie.... we have to forget... us."

"WHAT!!!!?" I was so shocked. "WHY?!"

"You're out, I'm not - and I'm not ready to be out." He stepped back.
"If people see me talking with you or hanging out with you they will
start to talk about me and I don't want to be outted yet!"

"Okay, so, we won't let anyone know! No one will see us! We can still
meet at yours - no one would know a thing!"

"No, Charlie! I can't risk it! We are over. It's best this way." He
opened the door and stepped out.

"Loxley, come on, no one would find out !"

But he didn't stop and I was left alone not knowing what to do.

*******************************************************************************

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Thank you.