Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 11:17:44 -0700 (PDT)
From: Cody mathews <codyjmathews@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Courage To Be Me - 4

Written by : Cody Mathews - codyjmathews@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual
activities between teenage boys. If you are not over 18 years of age, or
if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is
illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read
it, then please enjoy.

Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams
I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments
from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits
from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you
are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will
try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy.

People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Courage To Be Me!

"Bye mum!" I yelled walking out the front door.

"Charlie! try not to be late tonight it's about time you got in early for
once!" she yelled back.

Mind you, I am not surprised she said that, with the amount of late
nights I'd have been having over the last few weeks. Ever since I had met
Joe - (I quit calling him Joseph after he asked me to just call him Joe,
however much to my annoyance he now refers to me as Charlie Bear
everytime he sees me)- but ever since I had met him, I had spent less
time at home and more time at his; we watched movies and just hung out
and, despite Joe's reluctance, I had talked him into taking me back to
the night club.

I was learning how to handle my self. Many times now guys had shown an
interest in me. I'd been happy to dance, talk or even have a drink with
them, but the moment one would ask me to leave and go home with him I
would back off.

The longer I spent time with Joe the more relaxed our friendship became.
I was no longer concerned that he might want me, no longer thinking -
will he change his mind and want something from me.

When I look back, it makes me laugh. I remember jerking off thinking of
Joe and then being so excited about going over to his and what might
happen. But nothing did. And I soon realized that he didn't want that
from me, he just wanted to be friends, and in the end that's what I
wanted too.

In some way I preferred it that way, the brotherly friendship that was
now growing seemed stronger and better then anything that could come from
us hooking up.

I felt closer to him than I did to my real brothers, I never really had
any sort of rapport with them, and finally I had someone in my life who
understood and accepted me for who I was.

I stood at Joe's door knocking.

"Hey, hey, Charlie Bear!"

"I have to be in early tonight - mum's orders," I laughed mockingly as I
walked past and into Joe's house.

"Yes, mum, I promise not to keep him out too late, he needs his beauty
sleep." Joe stood to attention and put his hand up to his forehead in a
mock salute.

"If only she knew what i was up to, huh, she would have a fit!" I said,
opening the fridge and taking out a can of coke.

"Well, are you ever going to tell her?" Joe walked to the sink and
continued with the washing up.

"Not yet I'm not, you have to be kidding! My dad would go mental!" I
hopped up onto the work surface next to the draining board.

"Oh!"

"So, are you going to the club Friday?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Might - and don't change the subject," Joe said, throwing a tea-towel at
me."Get your ass off there and help with the drying up."

"Can i come with you? I'll tell mum I'm going to a club with Angel, they
won't care," I took a cup from Joe and began to dry it.

Joe always roped me into helping with the housework when I was there,
washing up, hoovering, changing the sheets on his bed. Don't get me
wrong, I'm not complaining. I never minded helping him out, sometimes
when doing it I imagined that I actually lived there rather than that I
was just visiting.

"If you want and if you're sure they wont find out. But why would your
dad go mental?" Joe replied, handing me a plate.

"You really wanna know? He can't even stand the word 'gay'!"

"Oh, shit, really?" Joe pulled the plug in the sink and let the water
drain out.

"Yep put it this way, if it is even mentioned on TV the telly is turned
off for about an hour just to make sure they have missed anything to do
with the subject, in whatever program it was we were watching."

"It's gonna be hard to come out to him." Joe just stood there with his
arms folded looking at me.

"Well, that is one thing I am not looking forward to." I picked a dry
plate up off the worktop and handed it to Joe. "Well, don't just stand
there with your arms folded, put this stuff away! So, what time are we
going to meet tomorrow?"

Joe smiled and took the plate from me and began to put the things I had
dried away. "I dont know, come round here about 8, we'll see from then."

"Well, I guess I had better be going, don't want to be late and piss mum
off." I folded the tea-towel up and laid it on the worktop.

"But you just got here?!"

"Kinda not in the mood for anything. I'll see you tomorrow at 8 - if any
different I'll call."

"Alright, Charlie Bear, see you tomorrow."

I left Joe's feeling a little sad. I had been looking forward to spending
the night just hanging out but the mention of coming out to my dad had
really but a damper on my mood - that was one thing i was really not
looking forward to doing. My mum I could handle, Neil and David didn't
bother me, but my dad - shit! - now that scared me so much that the
thought made me tremble.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Wow, it's packed in here!"

"Aww, Charlie Bear, you're not scared of all these men are you?"

"Don't be stupid."

It was Friday night, my mum hadn't taken much persuasion to let me out,
she thought I was out with Angel, but in fact I was at the club with Joe.
They were renaming it so there was a big opening do. I loved going to the
club with Joe, I always made a point of saying that's where we met and he
would just smile and laugh.

"So, did they settle on a name then?!" I yelled to Joe over the music.

"Yep, they called it NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR!"

"Oh, I like that name!"

"Good isn't it!?"

"Yeah, it's got a sort of ring to it!" Joe spotted a guy just to my left
and he called to him.

"Hey, Alex, haven't seen you in a while!"

The guy turned and looked at Joe. He was wearing blue jeans and a white
t-shirt and trainers; his dark brown hair was jelled and spikey, his face
wore a confident smile and his eyes lit up when he spoke.


'Hi, Joe, long time no see." He turned his attention to me; he looked me
up and down but his eyes didn't linger, " And this is...?" he turned back
to Joe waiting for an answer.

"This is my good man Charlie Bear. Charlie Bear, meet Alex - Alex, meet
Charlie Bear."

"Joe would you quit it with the god damn Bear!" I glared at Joe then
turned to Alex and held out my hand, " It's just Charlie."

"Well, just Charlie, it's nice to meet you," his hand took mine and shook
it firmly. " So, you two dating?" Alex asked, looking back to the bar and
ordering a drink.

"Nah, just friends. So, where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages!"
Joe turned his gaze to this guy standing behind Alex.

"You know - just busy."

Before anyone could say anything else the guy that Joe had been checking
out had walked up and whispered something in Joe's ear. Joe smiled and
walked off to the dance floor with the guy.

I stood watching the dance floor while chatting with Alex too. Alex
offered me a drink - I told him I didn't really drink much - he seemed to
approve of that and easily suggested drinks that were non-alcholic but
cool. We found a place at the bar where we could lean and watch the
activity on the dance floor, chatting from time to time. He was easy to
be with. Apparently he had a job in a local supermarket - a mangement
trainee no less! - though from the way he talked it didn't sound much
like the kind of job I would want to spend my life doing. I told him
about how I loved to dance and it was something I wanted to do for a
living.

We had a couple of dances together - he moved pretty confidently so we
were well-matched and I enjoyed myself and he seemed to do so too. It was
cool, catchy stuff - no groping or anything like that - just sharing the
floor and moving to the music.

At one point I got the feeling he was waiting for someone - his eyes went
to the door every time new people entered. It turned out that he had had
a sort of boyfriend, he said, and he had said he might be in that night -
though he never showed up and Alex didn't appear to be that bothered.

I was busy dancing with Alex, when Joe walked up and pulled me aside.

"Hey, Charlie Bear, can we leave?"

"What's wrong, Joe?"

"Nothing, it's just that guy wants to leave and I have to give you a ride
home, so I'll drop you off on the way to mine."

"I could give Charlie a lift if you want?" It was Alex, he had walked
over and heard what Joe said.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I haven't had a drink. That's fine if Charlie is okay with it?"

"Um, sure, yeah, that's fine with me."

Joe left the club with the guy - he seemed really interested in Joe.


Alex and I hung out for a while, dancing and chatting. As soon as I said
that maybe it was time for me to go, he readily emptied his glass and we
headed for the car park.

************************** ********************** **************************

I hope you liked it and I will start on the next one very soon. Your
comments are welcome, Please address emails subject as "Charlie"

Thanks!