Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 15:30:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: Cody mathews <codyjmathews@yahoo.com>
Subject: the Courage To Be Me 8

DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual
activities between teenage boys. If you are not over 18 years of age, or
if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is
illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read
it, then please enjoy.

Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams
I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments
from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits
from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you
are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will
try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy.

People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret.

*******************************************************************************

The Courage To Be Me!

"So where you going with him?" Angel handed me my English book back as we
packed our stuff away from the class lesson and got ready to leave the
room and go to lunch.

"Not sure, but he said he wanted to talk about something really
important. Angel, what if he's worked out I like him?"

"But that's a good thing right? If you like him and he likes you then why
don't you two get together?"

"Well, I guess you're right, it's just that, well....well, to tell you
the truth, I'm just so nervous!! What if he doesn't like me as much as I
think I like him? Or maybe he's had lots of guys, whereas, me,
well....you know." I hung my head slightly - I really was nervous - more
nervous than I'd been when I first took myself to the club, even!

I felt Angel's arm around my shoulder,"Hey, come on, you're only going to
meet a gay guy who knows you're gay too - you're not applying for a
mortgage! Just take it as it comes....oops...no pun intended!" she fell
about laughing - and I couldn't help joining in until my nervousness
seemed to have disappeared.

Angel and I exchanged hugs as we usually did and I headed off alone
towards the park where we had agreed to meet. I started off walking kind
of casually, until I was out of sight of Angel and then, curiously, my
pace began to quicken until I was half running - I slowed down when I got
close - didn't want to seem too keen - anyway, needed to get my breath
back!

I could see him leaning against the bandstand where local bands played on
Sundays in the summer. The sun was behind him and I could see his outline
against the pillar of the stand. My blood began to pound as I approached
and his figure took shape - that face, especially as his smile developed
as I approached, that long slim body that made my mouth go dry, his
thighs at an angle as he leant his back against the pillar, his legs
slightly apart, his feet firmly planted on the grass beneath them.

In my mind I wanted to touch him, to hold him, to press my lips against
his, to feel his warmth against me - in reality, I just smiled and
stopped at arm's length - too shy to get any closer without a definite
sign of encouragement.

Our eyes met again - as they had the previous day at school. There was
something electric or magnetic about it! I couldn't break away from his
gaze, my strength seemed to desert me, and my body felt pulled towards
him. In fact, I didn't actually move - I was kind of rooted to the spot.
I suppose it only lasted a couple of seconds, if that, but it seemed like
an age until I saw his hand reach out to my arm and he began to draw me
after him as he headed for the shelter under the bandstand which was out
of sight of anyone who might pass. The park was quiet, hardly anyone
about except for an old couple sitting on a bench in the shade and a few
mothers with babies in pushchairs.

In the shadows at the back of the shelter he stopped, turned around and
leaned his back against the wall again, his legs apart and at an angle to
his body. He gently pulled me into him until I was standing, stiffly I
felt, between his legs, though still not touching.

I saw his mouth move and I heard his voice half whispering my name,
"Charlie."

That was all he said at first. I thrilled to the sound of my name and the
sound of his voice pronouncing it. I was melting - if I had any
resistance, and I didn't have much to begin with, it was fading fast.

"You know I like you, don't you?" he asked, not really waiting for an
answer, but gently pulling me into his body by my arms. I responded,
stepping closer into the space between his legs until our crotches were
slightly pressed together.

Something began to take over - my nervousness was fast disappearing. When
I felt him slide his back up the wall to stand upright I moved closer; as
his face turned towards mine, instinctively mine adopted the right angle
so that our lips came together without any complication of noses, without
any clumsiness - it was just right, perfectly natural - and he was so
warm, his lips so soft.

My mouth was dry no longer. I breathed him in - and loved the smell of
him. Our lips made gentle contact at first but in moments we were both
pushing towards each other and I felt my mouth beginning to open slightly
- hoping. At the same time, I began to push my crotch into his - and
there could be no doubt from his response and from the hardness I could
feel in his pants that we both had the same idea!

Suddenly, however, I thought I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye
and I jumped back to lean alongside Loxley against the wall!

The old couple were making their way out of the park. I don't think they
had even seen us, never mind what we were doing - but it was enough to
shake me back into reality. When Loxley pulled at my arm and turned
towards me I couldn't respond this time.

"Not here!" I whispered, resisting.

My desire and my fear were making my heart pound - and I imagined that if
anyone passed they would know exactly what we were doing.

"It's okay - there's hardly anyone around," replied Loxley. But just at
that moment, as if to prove him wrong and to put an end to any chance
that I might yield to my desire, who could I see jogging towards us in
his shorts and tee? It was Alex! Oh, shit!

I stepped away from Loxley, "Come on, let's make our way back to school?"
I suggested, not wanting Alex to have any idea what was going on. It was
clear that he had seen me since he was looking straight at me - or at us!
- as he jogged past. He hardly paused but raised his hand to wave,
"Hiya!" he shouted.

"Hello, there!" I replied as he drew level and passed. I tried to look as
nonchalant as I could, in truth I felt anyone who saw me would be able to
see right through me!

We walked back to school together. I kept a discreet distance from him,
not wanting anyone to notice anything unusual about us. But I let my arms
swing by my side, as he did, and from time to time allowed my hand to
swing out a little so that it would catch against his as we walked. We
didn't say a lot and I avoided looking him in the eye. But we agreed that
maybe it would be good to get together, maybe at his house, after school
- after all, we were supposed to be working together on the project for
maths - good excuse, we thought!

We arrived back at school just in time for the first class of the
afternoon to start. I headed off in one direction and Loxley in another.
We had agreed to meet at the gates and walk home together. As I sat down
next to Angel I was bursting! I wanted to tell her everything!

"Angel!"

"Huh," she replied. We should have been doing our work in silence, but
the teacher was out of the class talking to another teacher and now was a
good time to tell Angel before I exploded with excitement.

"We kissed!" I quickly looked around to make sure no one else had heard
anything.

"What?... Who?" she stopped and looked at me.

"Me and Loxley!" again I checked to make sure no one else had heard.

"WHAT!!" Angel said in a loud shocked voice.

"Shhhhh! god Angel, don't let everyone know."

"Sorry!" she then looked around and back at me. "You kissed him?"

"No, he kissed me.... I think....yeah, he kissed me. He made the move."

"Oh my god! Charlie! So now what? Are you two dating?"

"I'm not sure, he did say he liked me. We're meeting after school, I
guess we will talk then and find out."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * *

The rest of that class went on with Angel looking at me and winking and
me making sure no one saw me winking back. I was excited about seeing him
after school but also scared that he would think it was a mistake and not
want anything else to happen.

When the school bell rang for the end of the day I was shaking but also
sweating. This was it! I was going to be finding out what he wanted and
also letting him know what I wanted.

As I walked to the gate I could see Loxley standing there waiting for me.

"Hey, you ready? We could get on with this project at mine if you want?"
he said, looking at me and smiling.

"Sure, that's fine with me," a little part of me felt sad that he didn't
say anything about what happened at lunch, but then I also remembered
that people were walking past and might hear us if he did.

The walk to his was silent, neither of us saying much, if anything. I was
hoping he would say something and let me know that things were okay. He
opened his front door and I followed him into the hallway where he
started to take off his coat. I looked at him wishing he would pull me
close and kiss me like he did in the park. He looked up and smiled and I
smiled back.

"Hey, kitty cat!" I said bending down to stroke the cat that brushed
against my leg.

"Oh, that's just Cat," Loxley said walking into the kitchen.

"Cat? you called your cat, CAT?!" I asked following him.

"Yeah! We've had Cat since I was younger," he leaned into his fridge and
I think he was looking for something to drink.

"But you called it Cat, couldn't you think of something else!?"

"Nah, I like the name Cat." He straightened up and faced me and started
to smile. He moved closer and pulled me to him. "Now that I have you all
alone...." he leaned in and kissed me.

Now that's what I had been waiting for ever since lunch! When he pulled
away he just smiled.

"So, let's get started on that project, yeah?" he grabbed my hand and
pulled me behind him.

As we got to the stairs Cat brushed against Loxley's leg and he looked
down, "Not now, Cat, I have to go and play Doctors and Doctors with
Charlie!" He turned, winked and pulled me after him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I hope you liked it and I will start on the next one very soon. Your
comments are welcome, Please address emails subject as "Charlie"

Thanks!